(Please disregard the previous post. Football Cat did not submit that post. Football Cat was hacked, and the culprit when found will face the Claws of Death.)
THURRSDAY NIGHT
Broncos at Chiefs (-10.5) The Swifties roll on, capping off the greatest three weeks of movie promotion ever.
Yay Tay Tay!
SUNDAY SUNRISE
Ravens at Titans (+4) The evil birds win and automatically advance to the fourth round of the FA Cup.
SUNDAY FAMILY FUNTIME
Commanders at Falcons (-2.5) Another win for a bird team, but the real choice here is apple picking.
Fun!
Vikings at Bears (+2.5) If you’re anti-fun go with Da Bears, otherwise head to a corn maze for three hours.
More fun!
Seahawks at Bengals (-2.5) Cats over birds, always and forever.
49ers at Browns (+7) Purrrrdy drops the Browns in the litterbox
Saints at Texans (+1.5) The Texans shut out the Saints just to rile up the Patriots pregamers.
Colts at Jaguars (-4) The Jags spent too much getting reacquainted with their loved ones this week. Colts take advantage of the weak-legged cats.
Mickey knows what Football Cat is saying.
Panthers at Dolphins (-13.5) Tua and the Tunas hit the over before halftime.
SUNDAY SUNDOWN
Patriots at Raiders (-3) The Patriots win and their fanz immediately start complaining about it harming their 2024 draft position.
Lions at Buccaneers (+3) The big cats feast on zesty pirate kneecaps.
Cardinals at Rams (-7) The loser has to move back to St. Louis, and I’m not sure who is more upset about that, the people in Missouri or Arizona.
Eagles at Jets (+7) Jets retake their rightful place in the basement of the AFC East.
SUNDAY NIGHT
Giants at Bills (-14) I thought the teams playing in London didn’t automatically get a bye the following week?
MONDAY NIGHT
Cowboys at Chargers (+2.5) The Plugs zap the Pokes.
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Football Cat likes Amazon for sending food, cat toys, and boxes. Send Football Cat all the boxes.
It’s Thurrsday again! Gonna pick the one game tonight. Hope you big dumb humans can figure out meow to watch the game! Right, Zo?
Bears at (-6) Commanders
If I remember my Jungle Book correctly, cats and bears don’t get along very well. Plus the Bears stink and have to travel on a short week. So the Commandos win.
I’ll get to the rest of the picks later. Miao for now!
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
I’ve had a long week of eating and napping, so let’s get these contractually obligated picks out of the way so I can get back to eating and napping…
While you were sleeping:
Lions (-1.5) at Packers
It was so obvious I was going to pick the big cats last night that it wasn’t worth my precious time to let you know.
Sunday brunch time:
Falcons at Jaguars(-3)
Always go with cats over birds.
Sunday lunch time:
Dolphins at Bills(-2.5)
Did you know that Tua’s full name is Tuanigamanuolepola Donny Tagovailoa? Someone in that family was really hoping he’d go by Donny. Donny wins again.
Vikings (-4.5) at Panthers
Always go with winless cats over winless marauding Norsemen.
Broncos (-3.5) at Bears
The Broncos lose again but hold the Bears to under 70. Baby steps.
Ravens at Browns (-3)
Always go with a predator (even a sexual predator) over birds.
Steelers (-2.5) at Texans
After the Texans win, have a drink every time someone from the Steelers reminds you that they aren’t using their team plane’s emergency landing as an excuse.
Rams (-1)at Colts
I took 3 naps just thinking about this game. Go horszzzzzz!
Buccaneers at Saints(-3)
Fun fact: Much like Atlantis, Tampa Bay doesn’t exist as a physical location on land. The mermen win.
Commanders at Eagles(-8)
I hate picking a bird team, but I refuse to root for commies.
Bengals (-2.5) at Titans
Cats over tits, but I do love looking at tits. (Tits the bird, you perverts).
Great tits.
Sunday dinner time:
Raiders at Chargers(-5.5)
Sounds like Chandler Jones got some bad catnip – thoughts and prayers. Chargers beat a distracted Raiders team.
Patriots at Cowboys(-6.5)
Mac Jones has such a penchant for crotch shots that he must be part cat. Pats over Pokes.
Cardinals at 49ers(-14)
Always go with Brock Purrrdy over birds.
Sunday nighttime snack:
Chiefs (-9.5)at Jets
Taylor Swift loves cats, and nobody likes the Jets.
Taylor and one of her cats, who I think is named ‘Ralph Wiggum.’
Monday:
Seahawks at Giants(-1)
Take the men with overactive pituitary glands.
Just a reminder that Week 4 of the NFL season kickoffs off my birthday month. How about some gratitude for all this free gambling advice? Look for me on CashApp.
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
It’s late September, can you believe it? My cat birthday is next month, buy me food. Although, I have no concept of time, we’re already here at Week 3. It’s still too early to predict how things are shaping up for the Kitten Bowl.
Giants at 49ers (-10) Brock Richard Purdy throws for 400 yards. If you take the approximate height of cans of delicious cat food served by my slave humans, that’s around almost a stack of 5,800 cans. Food food food. Give me food now.
Colts at Ravens (-2) I don’t like anything about the Baltimore bird team, but they get the win. I feel like I’m rooting for a mouse getting into my bag of dry food. Still, give me my wet food now or I’ll destroy the couch!
Titans (-1) at Browns Dogs are big dumb animals and they belong in a pound. Go bark at the wind.
Falcons at Lions (-7.5) Coach Campbell wanted to have a big cat on the sideline. If I played for the highly intelligent Lions, he’d want me to punch the competition, but my claws of death will have to do.
Saints (-10) at Packers If you adopt a cat, you’re a saint. Come on Dennis Allen, go to a shelter today.
Feed me, pet me, leave me alone.
Texans (-2) at Jaguars I don’t want to pick against a cat, but it can happen sometimes. Florida isn’t a good environment for outdoor cats due to snakes, alligators, and hillbillies.
Broncos at Dolphins (-8.5) Coach Genius and Tua lead the fish to victory. Can we have some dolphin meat for me to eat?
Chargers at Vikings (-2.5) Yawn, who cares. Time for a nap in my pile of blankets or buy me a new toy that I’ll refuse to play with for 5 months. Remember the Metrodome? I would love to claw that roof.
Patriots (-1) at Jets The Patriots O Line comes together like Thunder Cats and protects Mac Jones to let him cook his kitty food. Zach Wilson will throw 5 interceptions. He’s like a dumb dog.
Bills at Commanders (-2.5) Cats run the world and will someday take command of all humans.
Panthers (-1) at Seahawks Going with Team Panthers in this matchup of a vastly superior cat vs. more dumb birds that eat dead fish.
Cowboys (-8.5) at Cardinals Sorry birds are dumb and I want to attack them. Predicting a breakout game from Dorance Armstrong.
Bears at Chiefs (-3.5) Kelce returns and brags to his teammates about dating Taylor Swift. What’s her view on kitty cats?
Steelers at Raiders (-1) I don’t like all those water fountains in Vegas but they get the win.
MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL Are you ready for a kitty food party? Actually I hate all other animals and don’t want a party. Where’s my favorite green blanket?
Eagles (-8.5) at Buccaneers Philadelphia Freedom. Sorry pirate team, but no treasure for you this week. Speaking of being out to sea, I could go for some salmon pate right about now. If it’s chopped salmon, I’ll only look at my bowl of food and refuse to eat it.
Rams (-3.5) at Bengals I feel like a traitor picking against big kitty cats.
Cleaning out the Litter Box Restaurant pick of the week: The Weathervane. Exciting, hip atmosphere and seafood.
Love the peace and quiet of riding in an electric car. Kitty cat approved.
Nice time of year to visit Biddeford, Maine.
The sitcom Wings could have used an airport kitty cat to kill stuff.
Jo. Anne. Fabrics.
Hey Wonder Bread Store, how about a Meow Mix section?
Need a cat nap? Listen to WZID.
Did you know that Japan has a Cat Island?
Halloween is coming. Brake for black cats, it could save your life.
Inject hyperlocal Hood Milk into my veins.
Cap space? More like cat space. (Insert Jerry Thornton pic)
Is the Lion King still in theaters? Never been to a movie theater.
Hey Boston.com, how does Mindy Kaling feel about cats?
Happy birthday to American playwright Marsha Norman.
Top skiing pick for the Winter, Wildcat Mountain.
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
These Thurrsday Night games are tough on a cat, and let’s be honest here, these games are tough on everyone except maybe the players. If the NFL cared about the fans they’d put these games on a real streaming service like Pluto TV. I would have picked the Eagles to win 31-28, who could have foreseen a 61 yard FG. Certainly not me, I’m just a cat.
On to Sunday..
Raiders at Bills (-8.5)
The sky was definitely falling on Buffalo sportz radio this week. Apparently Josh Allen likes to spray the ball around like me when I’m marking my territory. With their first win of the season Bills fans’ litterboxes should be fresher next week.
Packers (-1) at Falcons
As a cat I am drawn to the irresistible taste of cheese, despite it being bad for me. I pick the Packers, and I feel shame.
Ravens at Bengals (-3.5)
Whenever you get a cat vs bird match-up you’ve got to go with the cat every time.
Seahawks at Lions (-5.5)
I’m sure you’ll agree that Seattle is a one of those cities that intrigues you, but you’ll still probably never visit. My fellow felines will easily brush aside those soggy Starbucks-swilling Seahawks.
Colts (-1) at Texans
AFC South fever, catch it! I predict a scoreless tie.
Chiefs (-3.5) at Jaguars
FACT: Andy Reid stinks without Eric Bieniemy. Enjoy that 0-2 start KC.
Bears at Buccaneers (-2.5)
Hey all turncoat former Patriots fans, where are your Buccaneers this week? Still under your bucking hat! Ha ha ha! Classic cat joke. Da Bucs beat da Bears.
Chargers (-3) at Titans
Justin Herbert is the greatest QB who has never won anything since Philip Rivers. Go Tits!
Sunday 4 PMish:
Giants (-5.5) at Cardinals
The football Giants win and Daniel Jones starts to earn some of that guaranteed $82 million. <Let’s all take a break for a laugh!>
49ers (-7.5) at Rams
Am I going to pick against Brock Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrdy? No chance.
Jets at Cowboys (-9.5)
Look for Zach Wilson to return to form and pee his pants. Pokes over Planes.
Commanders at Broncos (-3.5)
I hear the new owners of the Washington football team are thinking about yet another name change. I believe “Cats” may be available, thank me later. Washington Cats pull off the road win!
Sunday Night/Monday Night:
Dolphins (-3) at Patriots
Good ol’ Pat Patriot devours Tuna Tagovailoa. Dolphin safe my ass, his brain is scrambled.
Looks like we’ve got two overlapping Monday Night games! You’ve outdone yourself this time Roger Goodell, you marketing genius.
Saints (-3) at Panthers
If there wasn’t a cat team playing in this game I wouldn’t even bother to make a pick. Much like Jimmy Taylor, I’ve got Carolina in my mind.
Browns (-2) at Steelers
Is there a secret NFL bylaw that the requires at least one AFC North team to start a sexual deviant at QB? I enjoy a good poop (like you don’t!), and poop is brown, so go Browns.
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Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Please welcome our newest pigskin prognosticator here at The15, Football Cat.
Recap:
Thurrsday – Lions 21 Chiefs 20 (-4.5)
The Lions won because Coach Campbell went for in on 4th and 2, and because Andy Reid is an oafish walrus and Mahomes is an overconfident damn Fraggle. Punt on 4th and 25 with three timeouts and the two-minute warning, stupid.
One o’ clock games:
Panthers at Falcons (-3.5)
Carolina wins to avenge the time a falcon swooped down and poached a bunny I had been stalking. Might have been a red-tailed hawk. Whatever, you some kind of bird expert?
Jaguars (-5) at Colts
Jaguars win by two scores. Why? Because Trev Lawrence looks like Kenni Middleton who likes cats. Obvi.
Bengals (-2.5) at Browns
Does anyone know if Cincinnati QB Joe Burrow is the highest paid player in NFL history? Stripey cats win and cover.
Texans at Ravens (-10)
Still shook from losing in the preseason the Ravens win but fail to cover.
Buccaneers at Vikings (-6)
Pirates of the 9th century defeat the 18th century pirates by nine. Arrrr.
Titans at Saints (-3)
Coach Vrabes versus Dennis Allen? Please. Tennessee wins. Go tits!
49ers (-2) at Steelers
Pittsburgh as the underdog at home? What is the world coming to? Niners by one.
Cardinals at Commanders (-7)
Surprised the Washington Team isn’t a double-digit favorite. Commanders win, covering the spread.
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More later, right now I’m late for my nap.
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I’m back, bright eyed and bushy tailed! Not really, though.
Not one o’ clock games, the later ones:
Eagles (-4) at Patriots
Philly doesn’t get to ruin Tom Brady’s day this time. Mac owns. Pats win.
Packers at Bears (-1)
I like the Big Cat. Seems to like sports, pretends he’s from Chicago, keeps the show moving. So Bears win.
Raiders at Broncos (-3.5)
That Chandler Jones seems well adjusted, huh? Raiders don’t need him to win. And will. Josh & Jimmy!
Dolphins at Chargers (-3)
That Tua, he’s got more lives than a cat. And also concussions. But the porps prevail.
Rams at Seahawks
I can’t root for a large, imaginary bird. Rams get the dub, as the kittens say.
Cowboys (-3.5) at Giants
Any NFC East team can beat any other NFC East team. In this case, the Giants beat Dallas.
Bills (-2.5) at Jets
Jets fans find out signing Ayahuasca Nick Foles isn’t the cheat code hyperloop directly to the Super Bowl they thought it would be. Bills win Monday night. Downside? Happy Buffalonians. Ack!
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Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
The15net dot com wanted to know what the reaction was from the local plover community to Mr. Breer’s tweet. Fortunately, one of our interns is in a pre-veterinary program with an emphasis on exotic animals and was happy to visit the coast and conduct and interview with the aggrieved avian:
The15: Good afternoon, what should I call you; your banding number?
Good afternoon to you. No need for such formality, you can call me Ed.
The15: Your name is Ed Plover?
Is that a problem?
The15: No. So then Ed; what was your reaction to this inflammatory tweet?
First off, I resent being compared to rats. They are one of our natural predators. And everyone knows that pigeons are the real flying rats, although a case can be made to extend that slur to herring gulls. If anything, we are like chipmunks, tiny, cryptically colored, and adorable. Secondly: how on earth can a tiny sparrow-sized shorebird be menacing? All we do is patrol the shoreline, foraging for crustaceans, insects, and marine worms to eat. Haven’t you seen us running comically back and forth avoiding the waves? Hours of entertainment! We get menaced by crows, racoons, foxes, and wild and domestic cats! And big, stupid humans like Breer. Furthermore, how can someone who get this, was arrested and charged with the actual crime of ‘Menacing‘, have the complete lack of self-introspection to then call me, a little piping plover, a menace? Talk about irony deficiency!
In the 20+ years since this mugshot, Bert has lost the freshman fifteen and learned nothing.
The15 – It does boggle the mind.
And as for when he was lugged for “answering an urgent call of nature”; he’s not a bird, he doesn’t have a cloaca, as far as I know. He’s a higher form of animal life, allegedly, and yet he was caught whipping his thingie out and whizzing all over Chittendon Avenue like a pigeon messing on a statue! The important thing to remember about him is that he’s a spoiled little rich boy. A literal heir to the Redenbacher popcorn fortune! Why I hear tell Bert’s great grandfather was at Fenway on a popcorn sales call for Jackie Robinson’s infamous workout and uttered some variation of “get that plover off the dune.” And he used his daddy’s money to fight that public indecency charge all the way to the Ohio Supreme Court. Compared himself to a disabled veteran too. Can you believe this guy? “Oh Noes! I can’t drive right onto the beach!” He hasn’t been this disappointed since he didn’t get accepted to Michigan! He hasn’t been this sad since Jack Tatum croaked! You wanna know what really ruins a summer? Getting squished under two tons of conspicuous consumerism. Does he get off of seeing marine life killed? There was that ghastly picture of that poor dead sea turtle he posted that one time, remember that? I don’t get it; a Kraut like him should have a natural disinclination to seeing big American vehicles driving up onto beaches.
I believe his family is Austrian, not German.
Well, schnitzel, spaetzle; all the same to me. Surprised he didn’t try a panzerfaust attack on the Patriots duckboats during their parades. The only thing this Boys From Brazil Hitler clone-looking nullity has ever earned are arrests and suspensions. Hey, I got one for you: what’s the difference between a seagull and Bert Breer?
The Boys From Brazil – 1978 – 20th Century Fox
The15 – I don’t know.
A seagull can get into Gillette Stadium! Ha ha! It’s funny because Breer is banned from there. He got suspended at the NFL Network, and somehow gets the MMQB job at Sports Illustrated, although people still think Peter King is still there. Bert’s really hasnt put his mark on the place. Unlike a fence in C-Bus! And yet he keeps failing upward! I mean, it’s like the saying, ‘He found a fried clam and now he thinks he’s Chubby Woodman.’
The15- That’s a saying?
It is among the shorebird community. And just a reminder to you bipeds, we descended from dinosaurs. We have lived on the coastal dunes for centuries; you are the arrivistes. And some of you people could use the extra few steps getting from a parking lot to a beach. Blubbery like a harbor seal. Just sayin’. Live and let live. We just want to scrape out a nest, brood our young, and then maybe migrate to the Bahamas for the winter. I don’t quite know why we’re here, I guess Duxbury worms just hit different. But you don’t see us trying to take over Bertie’s natural habitat, his couch during football season, do you? As you know, we’re endangered. (WA: Threatened in MA) In fact, the only thing rarer than a plover’s nest is an Albert Breer scoop!
The15- Food for thought. Any last words?
I think he just might hate us because we plovers have a longer mating season than Mrs. Breer. Heyoooo!
Emily Olivia Anderson is an intern for The15net dot com. Edward Moore Plover resides on the dunes in Duxbury.
The 15 