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Football Cat’s Week 3 NFL Picks

Posted on September 21, 2023 by TheIntern15 Leave a comment

It’s late September, can you believe it? My cat birthday is next month, buy me food. Although, I have no concept of time, we’re already here at Week 3. It’s still too early to predict how things are shaping up for the Kitten Bowl.

Giants at 49ers (-10)
Brock Richard Purdy throws for 400 yards. If you take the approximate height of cans of delicious cat food served by my slave humans, that’s around almost a stack of 5,800 cans. Food food food. Give me food now.

Colts at Ravens (-2)
I don’t like anything about the Baltimore bird team, but they get the win. I feel like I’m rooting for a mouse getting into my bag of dry food. Still, give me my wet food now or I’ll destroy the couch!

Titans (-1) at Browns
Dogs are big dumb animals and they belong in a pound. Go bark at the wind.

Falcons at Lions (-7.5)
Coach Campbell wanted to have a big cat on the sideline. If I played for the highly intelligent Lions, he’d want me to punch the competition, but my claws of death will have to do.

Saints (-10) at Packers
If you adopt a cat, you’re a saint. Come on Dennis Allen, go to a shelter today.

Feed me, pet me, leave me alone.

Texans (-2) at Jaguars
I don’t want to pick against a cat, but it can happen sometimes. Florida isn’t a good environment for outdoor cats due to snakes, alligators, and hillbillies.

Broncos at Dolphins (-8.5)
Coach Genius and Tua lead the fish to victory. Can we have some dolphin meat for me to eat?

Chargers at Vikings (-2.5)
Yawn, who cares. Time for a nap in my pile of blankets or buy me a new toy that I’ll refuse to play with for 5 months. Remember the Metrodome? I would love to claw that roof.

Patriots (-1) at Jets
The Patriots O Line comes together like Thunder Cats and protects Mac Jones to let him cook his kitty food. Zach Wilson will throw 5 interceptions. He’s like a dumb dog.

Bills at Commanders (-2.5)
Cats run the world and will someday take command of all humans.

Panthers (-1) at Seahawks
Going with Team Panthers in this matchup of a vastly superior cat vs. more dumb birds that eat dead fish.

Cowboys (-8.5) at Cardinals
Sorry birds are dumb and I want to attack them. Predicting a breakout game from Dorance Armstrong.

Bears at Chiefs (-3.5)
Kelce returns and brags to his teammates about dating Taylor Swift. What’s her view on kitty cats?

Steelers at Raiders (-1)
I don’t like all those water fountains in Vegas but they get the win.

MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL
Are you ready for a kitty food party? Actually I hate all other animals and don’t want a party. Where’s my favorite green blanket?

Eagles (-8.5) at Buccaneers
Philadelphia Freedom. Sorry pirate team, but no treasure for you this week. Speaking of being out to sea, I could go for some salmon pate right about now. If it’s chopped salmon, I’ll only look at my bowl of food and refuse to eat it.

Rams (-3.5) at Bengals
I feel like a traitor picking against big kitty cats.

Cleaning out the Litter Box
Restaurant pick of the week: The Weathervane. Exciting, hip atmosphere and seafood.

Love the peace and quiet of riding in an electric car. Kitty cat approved.

Nice time of year to visit Biddeford, Maine.

The sitcom Wings could have used an airport kitty cat to kill stuff.

Jo. Anne. Fabrics.

Hey Wonder Bread Store, how about a Meow Mix section?

Need a cat nap? Listen to WZID.

Did you know that Japan has a Cat Island?

Halloween is coming. Brake for black cats, it could save your life.

Inject hyperlocal Hood Milk into my veins.

Cap space? More like cat space. (Insert Jerry Thornton pic)

Is the Lion King still in theaters? Never been to a movie theater.

Hey Boston.com, how does Mindy Kaling feel about cats?

Happy birthday to American playwright Marsha Norman.

Top skiing pick for the Winter, Wildcat Mountain.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 2 NFL Picks

Posted on September 15, 2023 by TheIntern15 Leave a comment

Football Cat isn’t here to talk about the past.

These Thurrsday Night games are tough on a cat, and let’s be honest here, these games are tough on everyone except maybe the players. If the NFL cared about the fans they’d put these games on a real streaming service like Pluto TV. I would have picked the Eagles to win 31-28, who could have foreseen a 61 yard FG. Certainly not me, I’m just a cat.

On to Sunday..

Raiders at Bills (-8.5)

The sky was definitely falling on Buffalo sportz radio this week. Apparently Josh Allen likes to spray the ball around like me when I’m marking my territory. With their first win of the season Bills fans’ litterboxes should be fresher next week.

Packers (-1) at Falcons

As a cat I am drawn to the irresistible taste of cheese, despite it being bad for me. I pick the Packers, and I feel shame.

Ravens at Bengals (-3.5)

Whenever you get a cat vs bird match-up you’ve got to go with the cat every time.

Seahawks at Lions (-5.5)

I’m sure you’ll agree that Seattle is a one of those cities that intrigues you, but you’ll still probably never visit. My fellow felines will easily brush aside those soggy Starbucks-swilling Seahawks.

Colts (-1) at Texans

AFC South fever, catch it! I predict a scoreless tie.

Chiefs (-3.5) at Jaguars

FACT: Andy Reid stinks without Eric Bieniemy. Enjoy that 0-2 start KC.

Bears at Buccaneers (-2.5)

Hey all turncoat former Patriots fans, where are your Buccaneers this week? Still under your bucking hat! Ha ha ha! Classic cat joke. Da Bucs beat da Bears.

Chargers (-3) at Titans

Justin Herbert is the greatest QB who has never won anything since Philip Rivers. Go Tits!

Sunday 4 PMish:

Giants (-5.5) at Cardinals

The football Giants win and Daniel Jones starts to earn some of that guaranteed $82 million. <Let’s all take a break for a laugh!>

49ers (-7.5) at Rams

Am I going to pick against Brock Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrdy? No chance.

Jets at Cowboys (-9.5)

Look for Zach Wilson to return to form and pee his pants. Pokes over Planes.

Commanders at Broncos (-3.5)

I hear the new owners of the Washington football team are thinking about yet another name change. I believe “Cats” may be available, thank me later. Washington Cats pull off the road win!

Sunday Night/Monday Night:

Dolphins (-3) at Patriots

Good ol’ Pat Patriot devours Tuna Tagovailoa. Dolphin safe my ass, his brain is scrambled.

Looks like we’ve got two overlapping Monday Night games! You’ve outdone yourself this time Roger Goodell, you marketing genius.

Saints (-3) at Panthers

If there wasn’t a cat team playing in this game I wouldn’t even bother to make a pick. Much like Jimmy Taylor, I’ve got Carolina in my mind.

Browns (-2) at Steelers

Is there a secret NFL bylaw that the requires at least one AFC North team to start a sexual deviant at QB? I enjoy a good poop (like you don’t!), and poop is brown, so go Browns.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s NFL Picks

Posted on September 9, 2023 by TheIntern15 Leave a comment

Please welcome our newest pigskin prognosticator here at The15, Football Cat.

Recap:

Thurrsday – Lions 21 Chiefs 20 (-4.5)

The Lions won because Coach Campbell went for in on 4th and 2, and because Andy Reid is an oafish walrus and Mahomes is an overconfident damn Fraggle. Punt on 4th and 25 with three timeouts and the two-minute warning, stupid.

One o’ clock games:

Panthers at Falcons (-3.5)

Carolina wins to avenge the time a falcon swooped down and poached a bunny I had been stalking. Might have been a red-tailed hawk. Whatever, you some kind of bird expert?

Jaguars (-5) at Colts

Jaguars win by two scores. Why? Because Trev Lawrence looks like Kenni Middleton who likes cats. Obvi.

Bengals (-2.5) at Browns

Does anyone know if Cincinnati QB Joe Burrow is the highest paid player in NFL history? Stripey cats win and cover.

Texans at Ravens (-10)

Still shook from losing in the preseason the Ravens win but fail to cover.

Buccaneers at Vikings (-6)

Pirates of the 9th century defeat the 18th century pirates by nine. Arrrr.

Titans at Saints (-3)

Coach Vrabes versus Dennis Allen? Please. Tennessee wins. Go tits!

49ers (-2) at Steelers

Pittsburgh as the underdog at home? What is the world coming to? Niners by one.

Cardinals at Commanders (-7)

Surprised the Washington Team isn’t a double-digit favorite. Commanders win, covering the spread.

More later, right now I’m late for my nap.

I’m back, bright eyed and bushy tailed! Not really, though.

Not one o’ clock games, the later ones:

Eagles (-4) at Patriots

Philly doesn’t get to ruin Tom Brady’s day this time. Mac owns. Pats win.

Packers at Bears (-1)

I like the Big Cat. Seems to like sports, pretends he’s from Chicago, keeps the show moving. So Bears win.

Raiders at Broncos (-3.5)

That Chandler Jones seems well adjusted, huh? Raiders don’t need him to win. And will. Josh & Jimmy!

Dolphins at Chargers (-3)

That Tua, he’s got more lives than a cat. And also concussions. But the porps prevail.

Rams at Seahawks

I can’t root for a large, imaginary bird. Rams get the dub, as the kittens say.

Cowboys (-3.5) at Giants

Any NFC East team can beat any other NFC East team. In this case, the Giants beat Dallas.

Bills (-2.5) at Jets

Jets fans find out signing Ayahuasca Nick Foles isn’t the cheat code hyperloop directly to the Super Bowl they thought it would be. Bills win Monday night. Downside? Happy Buffalonians. Ack!

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

An Interview with a Plover

Posted on May 31, 2023 by TheIntern15 Leave a comment

(Duxbury, MA)

Area perpetual child felt his life wasn’t quite good enough and took to Twitter to complain.:

A year later and these menacing little flying rats have cut drive-on beach capacity in half. And it’s not even June yet. https://t.co/CIdzm5JvU5
— Albert Breer (@AlbertBreer) May 29, 2023

Enjoy your ratio, loser.

The15net dot com wanted to know what the reaction was from the local plover community to Mr. Breer’s tweet. Fortunately, one of our interns is in a pre-veterinary program with an emphasis on exotic animals and was happy to visit the coast and conduct and interview with the aggrieved avian:

The15: Good afternoon, what should I call you; your banding number?

Good afternoon to you. No need for such formality, you can call me Ed.

The15: Your name is Ed Plover?

Is that a problem?

The15: No. So then Ed; what was your reaction to this inflammatory tweet?

First off, I resent being compared to rats. They are one of our natural predators. And everyone knows that pigeons are the real flying rats, although a case can be made to extend that slur to herring gulls. If anything, we are like chipmunks, tiny, cryptically colored, and adorable. Secondly: how on earth can a tiny sparrow-sized shorebird be menacing? All we do is patrol the shoreline, foraging for crustaceans, insects, and marine worms to eat. Haven’t you seen us running comically back and forth avoiding the waves? Hours of entertainment! We get menaced by crows, racoons, foxes, and wild and domestic cats! And big, stupid humans like Breer. Furthermore, how can someone who get this, was arrested and charged with the actual crime of ‘Menacing‘, have the complete lack of self-introspection to then call me, a little piping plover, a menace? Talk about irony deficiency!

*In the 20+ years since this mugshot, Bert has lost the freshman fifteen and learned nothing.*

The15 – It does boggle the mind.

And as for when he was lugged for “answering an urgent call of nature”; he’s not a bird, he doesn’t have a cloaca, as far as I know. He’s a higher form of animal life, allegedly, and yet he was caught whipping his thingie out and whizzing all over Chittendon Avenue like a pigeon messing on a statue! The important thing to remember about him is that he’s a spoiled little rich boy. A literal heir to the Redenbacher popcorn fortune! Why I hear tell Bert’s great grandfather was at Fenway on a popcorn sales call for Jackie Robinson’s infamous workout and uttered some variation of “get that plover off the dune.” And he used his daddy’s money to fight that public indecency charge all the way to the Ohio Supreme Court. Compared himself to a disabled veteran too. Can you believe this guy? “Oh Noes! I can’t drive right onto the beach!” He hasn’t been this disappointed since he didn’t get accepted to Michigan! He hasn’t been this sad since Jack Tatum croaked! You wanna know what really ruins a summer? Getting squished under two tons of conspicuous consumerism. Does he get off of seeing marine life killed? There was that ghastly picture of that poor dead sea turtle he posted that one time, remember that? I don’t get it; a Kraut like him should have a natural disinclination to seeing big American vehicles driving up onto beaches.

I believe his family is Austrian, not German.

Well, schnitzel, spaetzle; all the same to me. Surprised he didn’t try a panzerfaust attack on the Patriots duckboats during their parades. The only thing this Boys From Brazil Hitler clone-looking nullity has ever earned are arrests and suspensions. Hey, I got one for you: what’s the difference between a seagull and Bert Breer?

*The Boys From Brazil – 1978 – 20th Century Fox*

The15 – I don’t know.

A seagull can get into Gillette Stadium! Ha ha! It’s funny because Breer is banned from there. He got suspended at the NFL Network, and somehow gets the MMQB job at Sports Illustrated, although people still think Peter King is still there. Bert’s really hasnt put his mark on the place. Unlike a fence in C-Bus! And yet he keeps failing upward! I mean, it’s like the saying, ‘He found a fried clam and now he thinks he’s Chubby Woodman.’

The15- That’s a saying?

It is among the shorebird community. And just a reminder to you bipeds, we descended from dinosaurs. We have lived on the coastal dunes for centuries; you are the arrivistes. And some of you people could use the extra few steps getting from a parking lot to a beach. Blubbery like a harbor seal. Just sayin’. Live and let live. We just want to scrape out a nest, brood our young, and then maybe migrate to the Bahamas for the winter. I don’t quite know why we’re here, I guess Duxbury worms just hit different. But you don’t see us trying to take over Bertie’s natural habitat, his couch during football season, do you? As you know, we’re endangered. (WA: Threatened in MA) In fact, the only thing rarer than a plover’s nest is an Albert Breer scoop!

The15- Food for thought. Any last words?

I think he just might hate us because we plovers have a longer mating season than Mrs. Breer. Heyoooo!

Emily Olivia Anderson is an intern for The15net dot com. Edward Moore Plover resides on the dunes in Duxbury.

2023 March Sadness – The Hateable Eight

Posted on March 31, 2023 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Time to decide who the worst in each Region is. Voting open until Noon EDT Saturday, April 1. Accompanying graphics courtesy of Midjourney AI image generation.

Prompt: Tony Massarotti 98.5 sports hub laughing from inside a schoolhouse as he locks Ruby Bridges out of the building.

Prompt: Albert Breer mugshot from college.
AI response: *this appears to be Buzz McCallister from ‘Home Alone.’ To help us improve performance click Y if this is accurate.*

Prompt: Boston Glove Chris Gasper and his amazing beard.

Prompt: a painting by Dali called “The Persistence of Murray” only the clocks are ketchup bottles.

Prompt: Ben Volin of the Boston Globe reaches across the event horizon of a black hole to reach a pair of floating mittens

Prompt: Dan Shaughnessy drives across the California state line trying to remember if he packed his rubbers

Prompt: Michael Felger sits in a chair. There are napkins covering his body. Gene Lavanchy the host of Fox 25 is standing next to a bed. Gene is hugging Sara Underwood. Gene is smiling. Michael is sad.

Prompt: former New England Patriot Ted Johnson is chased by townsfolk

(Stick tap to Don Konopka & John for the AI prompts & images)

2023 March Sadness Bracket Update:

Posted on March 29, 2023 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

More chalk than the old NECCO Factory output.

Voting day and time coming soon!

Sour Sixteen Scouting Synopsis!

Posted on March 27, 2023 by TheIntern15 Leave a comment

(Again done by the redoubtable Patrick from Andover del Norte:)

Welcome to the Sour Sixteen preview! The two higher seeds in Region C should easily advance to the Hateful Eight(TM pending). After his suspension Mazz locked his twitter account, and then after Chris Curtis’s suspension Mazz deleted his twitter account! (Update: Tone’s account is back, but still locked. Like Felgie’s car should have been.) He’s obviously living in fear of winning this tournament. Things are so bad now that you have to buy a Cameo if you’d like to hear Tony’s “Amos ‘n’ Andy” impression. In other news, did you know that an autographed photo of Bert Breer is available for $25 on Ebay? Imagine how much that could be worth in a week! (Disclaimer: the capital value of Bertie’s autograph can fluctuate and the price can go down as well as up and is not guaranteed).

Kid Gas should trounce the Far Side Kid to open Region V action. Things get a little more interesting from there on out. You may think it’s odd that Boston’s paper of record employs a sports media ombudsman who lives outside the Boston DMA, but if the weather is perfectly clear, and the moon is full, Chad can more often than not pick up the Boston stations on his Nana’s Philco radio in Downeast Maine. You may have missed it on Friday when Chad postulated on Nip-gate: “I’m not calling for a firing here, but the apparent going rate at the station of a one-week hiatus for making a racist or sexist comment is rather low. It’s not like the show, which oscillates between a chore and a bore on most days, would suffer without his overbearing presence.” Chad had no such reservations, or comments, when his good friend Tomy Masserotti was suspended earlier this month for making racist comments. Obviously Mazz’s overbearing presence is key in the chore vs bore calculation, which is why his one-week suspension was deemed to be sufficient punishment. It’s also understandable for Chad to come down harder on a nobody like Curtis because, unlike those two random African-American gentlemen that Mazz slurred, Mina Kimes was nice enough to “like” one of Chad’s tweets. Finn sucks. However Large Gynamsium Murray is a bald-denying asshole, which makes this match-up too close to call.

Region N is “interesting!”, to quote its moronic #1 seed. Ben Volin may feel entitled to a 10-point advantage, or at least choice of uniforms, since he is the #1 seed in the region, but that won’t be necessary for him to easily dispatch Greg Bedard’s lapdog Nick Cattles. The other match-up is a battle of the ages. Dan Shaughnessy is far removed from relevancy, and from his 2011 Father of the Year award. Christian Arcand is desperately clinging to Adam Jones’ coattails, having been fired from 98.5 and soon to be fired from WEEI. More shockingly, Arcand is also apparently trying to appropriate Gabby Starr’s (#14 in Region T) culture – do a “Christian (from: @gfstarr1)” Twitter search for more enlightenment. Shank is a dinosaur, but Arcand is the voice of a new generation. YOUR generation. Vote accordingly.

Does anyone know what the hell is going on in Region T? The two plucky underdogs have been the story of this year’s tournament. Can Nick “Fitzy” Stevens continue drive the snakes out of the region and take down Michael Felger? Can Gabby Starr pass over Ted “the veg” Johnson? Do you believe in miracles of Old Testament proportions? Yes! No? You make the call. Remember, for a limited time, the the15netdotcomsportsbook is offering $200 in site credits for every $5 wagered on the March Sadness tournament! Time is running out, so Register Now!

(Problem gambling is an urge to gamble continuously despite negative consequences or a desire to stop. Problem gambling is often defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others, rather than by the gambler’s behaviour. Referring to your gambling unfailingly as ‘gaming’ may also be a sign. Severe problem gambling may be diagnosed as clinical pathological gambling if the gambler meets certain criteria. If you feel you or a loved one need help, of if you are considering a 4-leg parlay on how both of you need help, you can contact The Commonwealth’s Office of Problem Gambling Services Problem Gambling Helpline at (800) 327-5050 or go to https://www.mass.gov/orgs/office-of-problem-gambling-services.)

Patrick is from Andover del Norte.

2023 March Sadness – The Sour Sixteen – Day One

Posted on March 27, 2023 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

We now will take who remains and cut them in half. No, not literally. Regions C and T lead off. Polls will remain open for 24 hours, until 10:30 AM EDT Tuesday, March 28th.

Tournament Sour Sixteen Set!

Posted on March 23, 2023 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

The Sour Sixteen are set. Favorites and plucky underdogs. All worthy competitors. Should be fun. Voting will resume Monday, March 27th.

And just a brief flashback as to who were the 16 mediots left at this point in the Tournament in 2022 and 2019:

If you have been enjoying this year’s Mediot Tournament, or the one previous, or the Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer columns, or the articles investigating out local sports media, or finding out who Jake in Boston was, please consider making a one-time donation. Site registration isn’t free. The Crowdsignal plug-in that tabulates the votes costs money as well. Or in the alternative visit our The15 Genuine Merchandise page and buy a shirt or a mug? Up to you.