The 15

The path to 5-5 for New England is right there, caller.

Boston Sports Journal is like a graveyard for once-overpaid scribes who don’t know they’re dead yet.

Which vacant position gets filled first, Sporting Director for the Revolution, or Red Sox General Manager?

How dare you take joy in the struggles of brash dickhead Deion Sanders!

Bruins aren’t playing until tomorrow night? Did they catch the old Boston & Albany train to Chicago, where they switched to the Union Pacific’s Overland Route to the Bay Area as a Centennial tribute?

I hope the money Katie won on Celebrity Jeopardy goes to help poor put-upon woman in sports Kayce.

If Velma from Scooby Doo played bass for the Ramones, she’d look like Karen Guregian.

What does a senior consultant do?

Suzanne Somers died? That can’t be. This must be some kind of wacky misunderstanding! RIP.

Cakes are cooking for Mike Ditka, Russ Giguere, Pam Dawber, Martina Navratilova, Thomas Hearns, Wynton Marsalis, Alex Cora, Yoenis Cespedes, Zac Efron, and Brittany Griner.

Kept undefeated Penn State under 70, UMass. That’s not bad.

Baseball needs another prominent knuckleballer again. Nothing like adding to the nerves of October baseball like wondering if the knuckler is gonna cooperate that night.

Four-cylinder Honda’s are going to get very pricey again.

The Dolphins released 2019 Patriots third-rounder Chase Winovich from the practice squad with an injury settlement.

Mail-order bagels?

The new Frasier is worth a watch. It is free to watch on YouTube for now.

Nothing better than being at a restaurant with a long wait and seeing people done with their meals just sitting at their tables talking.

Are there any pictures of Mike Giardi where he doesn’t look like a disinterested gay flight attendant?

Play the kids when they get back, whoever the Revs coach guy is!

Hey Hillside gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “The restless dead try to return to Twitter in October.”

Some news: The SF Giants formally interviewed assistant coach Alyssa Nakken for their managerial role, according to sources. She’s believed to be the first woman to become an official candidate for an MLB club’s top uniformed job.

Chipotle please get better people to roll the burritos. Start a college for it or something lol kidding. But this one hurt my soul.

The snow and the throwbacks made for a really beautiful combination in that Pats win over the Titans fourteen years ago on this date.

Who’s trippin’ down the streets of the city
Smilin’ at everybody she sees?
Who’s reachin’ out to capture a moment?
Everyone knows it’s Windy.

And Windy has stormy eyes.
That flash at the sound of lies.
And Windy has wings to fly,
Above the clouds (above the clouds)
Above the clouds (above the clouds.)

Honk if you know what to do when you get to the Slauson Cutoff.

Mahomes and Kelce are mesmerizing.

Who do you think is going to play Aidan in the movie? Chris Evans? Chris Pine? Rhys Ifans? Tilda Swinton?? Let us know in the comments!

What do you mean, “what movie, you demented psychopath?”

Alex Verdugo is Boston’s lone Gold Glove nominee.

I hope the Newscenter 5 Eyeopener Team all know they are still beautiful inside and out.

Mac is going to get every Pats offensive skill player injured.

I’m not a Texas fan or rooting for them, but I’m just thrilled with the post-season success of Jordan Montgomery. People are SO convinced that you have to throw 100 in order to get people out now. You can’t overstate the value of one pitcher who proves that that isn’t true.

I think the football did brush up against Devante Parker’s fingertips. After it bounced off his palms.

Sharon Alfonsi’s teeth look very real.

Abby has multiple jobs. Dickerson has no job.

No TB12 store?

Haha, yes. Bob Lobel’s funny little catchphrase. Haha.

Diamondbacks vs Rangers should bring the ratings bonanza.

Best bet for the weekend: for a few hours, we will all be Nittany Lions.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. When you started off with nothing and you’re proud that you’re a self-made man. And your friends they all come crawling, slap you on the back and say, please. Please.

So far, so good goes the Bruins’ defense of the Presidents Cup!

Good job, good effort in the playoffs, AL East squadrons.

A heady mix of shooters and defenders on this Celtics team. Should be a fun one.

I know how Patriots fandom works, you complain during their 20 years of dominance that they should have been even more dominant, and when they finally come back down to Earth you get to crow about being right all along. Fuck these fanz.

Since China is recalling all the Panda Bears, do we have to send them Pablo Sandoval?

Salk had better ratings than Jones and Mego.

And the team built by former Red Sox took a big early lead against the team built out of former Red Sox. Hub of the universe.

Anyone see Mrs. Doubtfire the musical? If so, how was it?

Cakes are cooking for Sid Fernandez, Chris Chandler, Hugh Jackman, Terry Ray, Tanyon Sturtze, Miroslav Šatan, Bode Miller, Tom Guiry, and Mike Green.

My gratitude to a man whose career maybe most typifies the gloriously brutal early days of the NFL. Godspeed Mr. Butkus, I hope for St. Peter’s sake he’s not on offense when you get there.

Bruins fans just like yelling Loooooch!

Fall Out Boy covering Billy Joel is why they hate us.

Kale Bort DFA’d?

Hey gang of college football fans, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I think I love Smacker Miles.”

Cleveland Browns QB Deshaun Watson (shoulder) did not practice yesterday, and PJ Walker would start if he can’t go.

The Dodgers are cursed for what they did to card carrying Alpha Male, Trevor Bauer.

We don’t talk enough about how cool it is that so many different personalities can succeed as NFL coaches. Like I’m inviting Dan Campbell to my kegger and I want to wander around an art museum with Mike McDaniel and if I want to talk shit about the other two I’m calling Belichick.

Blue Line experiencing delays of about 10 minutes due to signal problem at Beachmont.

All weed is gay now.

Mac will be all fixed once they get Jeudy. PTT!

I am so sick of Pat McAfee being shoved down my throat. But our Vern Dozier has a different opinion! Heyooooo!

Nick Perbix is the league’s new “Dolores” (stick taps to pioneers Jake Bean & Grant Clitsome).

You all right?

She had hair like Jeannie Shrimpton back in 1965.
She had legs that never ended,
I was halfway paralyzed.
She was tall and cool and pretty and she dressed as black as coal.
If she asked me to I’d murder, I would gladly lose my soul.

Now I lie in bed and think of her,
Sometimes I even weep.
Then I dream of her behind the wall of sleep.

I admit I have not been a huge fan of Lions head coach Dan Campbell’s approach of biting knee-caps motivation—it was too high schoolish for me. I prefer the more intellectual approach of reaching the players. But I was wrong.

Honk if you remember Fred Villari.

Everyone knows your crazy conspiracy theory being true is an absolute defense to witness intimidation!

Connor Bedard. Talented, and not hateable. Weird!

Call it ‘brotherly shove’ more.

Cats will make you feel like a kaiju in your own home.

Frankly offended the VGK Stanley Cup banner doesn’t have neon on it.

A shame Charles Napier wasn’t in Stop Making Sense. Nevertheless, it is worth seeing the remastered film in theaters while you can.

Wouldn’t “pink hat” Bruins fans be the least likely to know who Lucic is?

The Raiders game. That’s the real test.

Best bet for the weekend: the Revs start their playoff run.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Published today and not Wednesday due to the Columbus Day Holiday.

Chris Snow. Tim Wakefield. Russ Francis. Tough week.

Be more obviously checked out, Red Sox Ownership Group.

Play the kids, Jim Montgomery!

Get well soon Christian Gonzalez and Matt Judon.

Does Jrue have a nice dump shot?

There being no Wild Card Game threes today is proof you can’t script October.

Mike Lombardi is the Vince Lombardi of spam tweets.

Yes, worry about Kristaps getting injured because you lost the ironman Rob Williams.

All I did was listen on my earbuds most of the morning and still feel like I ran a marathon. Nothing like the Ryder Cup.

Cakes are cooking for Steve Miller, Brian Johnson, Bill James, Bob Geldof, Imran Khan, Careca, Michael Andretti, Laura Davies, Patrick Roy, Mario Lemieux, Guy Pierce, Karyn Parsons, Kate Winslet, and Travis Kelce.

It is also Rex Chapman’s birthday, but no cake for him. Loser.

We’re in New England. Stop saying y’all.

Did Wakey get Fawcett’d by the 2023 Patriots?

I’ve noticed that a lot of popular “Celtics twitter” accounts take my takes and flip them into their own. It’s funny because they think I don’t notice.

You do dirt, you get dirt.

Worcester Line Train 512 (9:05 am from Worcester) is operating 5-10 minutes behind schedule between Boston Landing and South Station.

NFL crowds are the worst. So many donkeys.

Hey gang of otherwise unemployable Stoolies, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Break one her for me.”

I’m always in a debate with myself on who’s better: Tim Brady or Matt Jones.

The play of #NHLBruins Matt Poitras (age 19) this preseason is too eerily similar in terms of really making an impact offensively the way a former 2nd round draft pick at age 18 pretty much was an impact player almost from get go. Patrice Bergeron. The similarities are there IMO.

Why wouldn’t you want a refrigerator with an icemaker?

Curt Schilling is like Pete Rose, in that every time you feel like you’re ready to start defending him again, he goes back to his looney room and comes out with another treasure.

We all share this planet – we are all connected by our oceans.

John Wallach will die before being anything but a footnote. God is real.

Am not going out on a limb by now projecting Jonathan Jones will not earn his NLTBE $250K 90% playing-time incentive this season.

Shabazz Napier is from Roxbury…

Terry Francona’s scooter was stolen again. And it was beaten up pretty badly. And, well… “The worst part was they defecated on it.”

Whenever I look at Benjamin St-Juste I think that Juste must be the patron saint of hyphens.

The 2010 and 2011 Red Sox should have played harder to get Wakey the wins to tie or pass Cy and Roger. There; I said it.

Our house it has a crowd.
There’s always something happening,
and it’s usually quite loud.
Our mum, she’s so house-proud.
Nothing ever slows her down,
and a mess is not allowed.

Our house, in the middle of our street.

Lombardi forgot to turn off his automatic book pitch when sending his thoughts and prayers to a kid with cancer.

Whither Jared Grasso?

25 years ago today Britney Spears’ “Baby, One More Time” was serviced to radio as a promo. Entered Hot 100 Airplay at #59 on November 7th, 1998, Sales on the 21st, Hot 100 at #18 on December 5th, 1998 but the video didn’t debut on TRL until December 18th, 1998. Hit MTV early Dec.

Honk if you remember the uniform 22-foot NBA 3-point arc.

The people who mocked Belichick as being a “genius” for 20 years are also the same people who think he should be able to completely rebuild the team in four. In other words, fucking idiots.

Good job, good effort US Ryder Cup team.

If there is a heaven, I hope Jerry Remy gets to announce Wake’s arrival to the Pearly Mound.

Revs. Flailing.

Can someone string together all of Christian Gonzalez’s All-22 reps so I can re-watch them for the next 4 months while weeping and eating Cheetos?

‘The Pearly Mound’ sounds like a low-rent Tampa area gentleman’s club.

Artificial Intelligence program’s inability to correctly render human hands must give Larry Johnson some comfort.

Mike Gorman’s replacement Drew Carter? Decent pipes, terrible picture of him in the NBCSN group photo.

Best bet for the weekend: rain.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I apologize for the delay. It was too nice out yesterday to work on the column.

I ain’t calling a grown man “Sauce.”

Lee Corso doesn’t seem healthy. Probably in his best interest for him not to be on GameDay regularly anymore.

Wrap the remaining Bruins in bubble wrap!

It’s like King Pyrrhus said, “another such victory and I will have two wins so far this season.”

Remember; you’re the jerk for noticing that Deion Sanders has always been an asshole. Plus he played for the Yankees, the 90’s Braves, and the Dallas Cowboys. He’s a bandwagon kid’s wet dream.

In baseball rather than the first and second Wild Card, the slots should be referred to as the Wild Card and the Even Wilder Card.

Zo doesn’t like the play calls on third down. He doesn’t have a better play in mind, he just thinks they should always pick up the first.

Cakes are cooking for Randy Bachman, Denis Lawson, Mike Schmidt, Shaun Cassidy, Steve Kerr, Alonzo Spellman, Gwyneth Paltrow, Brad Arnold, Anna Camp, Lil Wayne, Avril Lavigne, and Jenna Ortega.

It’s a crime that Dunkin’s raspberry watermelon refresher is only a summer flavor.

Maybe I’m an idiot but I could actually see Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce being together awhile. Everyone expects it to fizzle out so watch them zag. They’re gonna sense how much power there is for them in how annoying it will be for us.

This pizza thing is going to be huge. give it time.

I think there are like three people I follow whose retweets have led me to block about 2/3 of Congressional twitter accounts. (Any politicians whose tweets cross my timeline, agree or not, I immediately block)

There’s no way there’s a real thing called ‘wet AMD.’

Al Michaels will continue the longest streak in television history. His tie knot will be perfect. He needs to teach a class on Instagram how to tie the perfect knot. Like Stanley Tucci does drinks Al could do knots.

Dougie Meehan couldn’t have kicked in five bucks for half a pack?

Final, King Philip 28, Norwood 0. Brian Lee did not coach tonight in lieu of investigation into training camp hazing incident.

The MBTA Commuter Rail Fairmount Line will be free during the Red Line Ashmont Branch & Mattapan Line 16-day diversion. From October 14-29, free shuttle buses & Fairmount Line service will be available to riders as we perform track work.

Frank Langella was a pretty good Skeletor but the film overall was trash so does it still count?

Hey gang of carmine hose dead-enders, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, ” Houck unraveled quickly.”

Day after day it reappears.
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear.
Ghosts appear and fade away.

Alone between the sheets.
Only brings exasperation.
It’s time to walk the streets.
Smell the desperation.

At least there’s pretty lights.
And though there’s little variations.
It nullifies the night.
From overkill.

A lot of hugs in the dugout for Zack Kelly after his scoreless inning of work.

Why is this random Getty Images meme of Kevin James suddenly resurfacing? What did I miss?

Artie T is the biggest needle mover in the world of banana boxes.

What kind of pizza place isn’t open on Sunday?

As a result of Taylor Swift eating a piece of chicken with ketchup and ranch in Kansas City, Chiefs stadium food provider Levy Restaurants says they have increased their supply of ranch in the suites.

Things are gonna turn around for Aidan any day now.

Honk if you remember Montecore.

Go ahead Mr. big mouth tell us how’s the game is going you four-eyed rat.

Sad to hear The Human Vacuum Cleaner died. What? No! Not Debi Diamond! Brooks Robinson! From the Orioles! What’s wrong with you!?

Tony Massarotti has more suspensions than Marchand in the past year, but yeah, he shouldn’t have been named captain.

Did Taylor Swift do the tomahawk chop?

Fun NBA roster nerd thing: The Clippers re-signed all four of their own free agents: Moussa Diabate – 1 year, two-way Xaiver Moon – 1 year, Exhibit 10 Mason Plumlee – 1 year, $5M Russell Westbrook – 2 years, $8M. No other team has re-signed all of their own FAs this offseason.

It’s nice to live in Massachusetts where lesbian gym teachers were allowed to marry each other 30 years ago.

A: $3.46.

Jack Edwards is already in midseason form. Unfortunately.

David McCallum has died. Dosvedanya, Agent Kuryakin. Close channel D.

Best bet for the weekend: A hard-fought Eagles win against Virginia on Family Weekend in Chestnut Hill.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, @GStill45 and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Working Overtime.

I’m not even over Barbaro yet and now I’ve got to deal with Nick Chubb?

I’m always in a better mood on days that the National Football League plays game

Boston College visits 3-0 Louisville Saturday in ACC gridiron action!

Last week the Red Sox decided to play God and made Chaim Bloom their Moses: You can lead us through the desert, but you won’t be the one to take us to the Promised Land.

So Sergio Brown wasn’t found dead in a creek? That’s good, right?

Nothing is as reliably cringey as the NE Revolution social media posts.

Cakes are cooking for George R.R. Martin, John W. Henry, Gary Cole, Lesley Thompson, Nuno Bettencourt, Asia Argento, and John Tavares.

Would it be in poor taste to point out Chubb’s NFL career only lasted 1 game more than Sony Michel’s?

Bob Lobel’s legs look like they should be hanging in a Chinese meat shop.

Well I think it’s weird that the broadcast calls Deion Sanders “Coach Prime” and not Deion Sanders.

Robert Vernon Dalbec is still the Fruith.

Man, of all the awful ways to move off of the Patriots season ticket waitlist.

Red Line Reminder: Shuttle buses replace service between JFK/UMass and Braintree beginning at 8:45 PM on Friday, 9/22, through the end of service Sunday, 9/24, due to track and tie replacement work. Regular Commuter Rail service will run Friday night with shuttles over the weekend.

Winning Time deserves its cancellation after omitting Ray Flynn out of the Celtics locker room.

Still laughing at Lombardi saying please get up. Like asking if Kennedy was ok after seeing the Zapruder film.

Legitimately flabbergasted by the Chaim Bloom era. It’s like he got access to one of hottest clubs in the city and never got on the dance floor, never ordered a drink.

Washburn speculates that Brogdon is upset, now it’s fact. What an industry

Maybe the Patriots will play better without the distraction of the tallest lighthouse in North America.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “You’ve barely touched your beet tablets, son.”

Bruins Centennial Jersey needs more stripes on the sleeves.

The Browns are signing their own former RB Kareem Hunt, agreeing to terms with him on a 1-year deal worth up to $4M. After a multi-stop journey, he lands back home.

Somebody was collecting names for “just fun” players the other day. Rowdy Tellez is in that camp. Rowdy is the 2020’s version of Boog Powell. Boog had a better career, obviously, but you dye his hair orange and Rowdy could play Boog in a movie.

So is that Stapleton version of ‘In the Air Tonight’ available as a full song or what?

How can we always have last week’s supermarket flyer, and next week’s, but never this week’s? How is that possible?

Congrats on the employment!

Do Glen “Big Baby” Davis’ attorneys believe that Paul Pierce would have no need to be sworn in, as he is definitionally, ‘The Truth?’

Deshaun Watson isn’t cooked. He’s still in his refractory period.

Was the Pour House not a gay enough name?

Lunatic fringe.
I know you’re out there.
You’re in hiding, and you hold your meetings.
I can hear you coming.
I know what you’re after.
We’re wise to you this time, (wise to you this time)
We won’t let you kill the laughter,

Sorry, can’t call in to the hot take troll show. It’s raining.

Lit Filling the void in the Eastern States Exposition concert calendar caused by Puddle of Mudd abruptly cancelling their shows. Bravo, Lit.

Honk if you remember The Ship Restaurant in Lynnfield.

The best thing about replay in the NFL is how often it gets calls wrong.

Nothing positive can come from treating celebrity callers like regular people making arguments in good faith.

That’s right: I say autumnal.

Marchy with the C.

I wish Rip Taylor were still around so he could ring the Gillette Stadium lighthouse bell.

Lauren Boebert is no Alanis Morissette.

Why do bad things keep happening to Big Papi? Oh. Right.

Best bet for the weekend: For three hours, we are all Oregon Ducks fans.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I have a picture pinned to my wall. An image of you and of me and we’re laughing, we’re loving it all.

Great day for baseball! Let’s play two!

The New England Revolution has entered its Reign of Terror phase, unfortunately.

It must have been a short discussion about the IR between JuJu and the team.

Was Aaron Rodgers injury on 9/11 an inside job?

The Rams were carried by Tutu and Puka on Sunday. Wide receivers or a new animated series on Disney+?

100 Years. 100 Bruins greats.

Get well soon Kenley Jansen. And that’s for your next ailment too.

Tom Brady: A Patriot for life.

Cakes are cooking for Sam Neill, Melissa Leo, Nas, Frostee Rucker, Jimmy Butler, and Deshaun Watson.

BTW, Travolta’s early career run doesn’t get talked about nearly enough. From ‘75-‘81: “Welcome Back, Kotter”, Carrie, Saturday Night Fever, Grease, Urban Cowboy, Blow Out. Goofy sitcom, horror, gritty urban drama, musical, faux shitkicker, and thriller right outta the gate.

If a no-look pass is thrown and not completed, did it even happen?

Hey! What up gang of numrods that understand life is more important than sports? This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I’m donating to his face.”

Terry Pegula and Jerry Jones seem nice.

Green Line Reminder: Service will be suspended between Lechmere and Union Square, September 18 – October 12, due to MassDOT work on Squires Bridge. Use local bus routes for service to the Green Line E Branch or Orange Line.

God bless Freddy Lynn. Living his best life without scorn.

Eventually the ‘Big-time throw’ advanced metric will just be called a “MAHOMES,” kinda like there’s an NBA advanced stat called “LEBRON.”

I’ll be stunned if the Yankees don’t severely overpay for Blake Snell.

WWE wrestler Test died in 2009? Cross him off, then!

The head coaches are such a vital part of the NFL TV show. Mike McCarthy has been in the cast for nearly 20 years and Brian Daboll has a real chance to be.

Here’s your mind-blowing fact of the day. In road games, Juan Soto has a higher OPS this year than either Ronald Acuna or Mookie Betts.

Stefon Diggs hates white women. There; I said it.

Tottenham Hotspur and NFL announced an expansion of their partnership through the 2029 – 2030 NFL season. Tottenham Hotspur Stadium will officially be the home of the NFL in the UK. A minimum of two NFL games a year will continue to be played there.

There she goes.
There she goes again.
She calls my name, pulls my train.
No one else could heal my pain.
But I just can’t contain.
This feelin’ that remains.

There she goes.
There she goes again.
Chasing down my lane.
And I just can’t contain.
This feelin’ that remains.

You could be making crispy fried soft shell crabs at home.

Mahomes. So filthy.

DJ Bean played his music? I’d have rather been at Great White’s last show.

BALL!

Honk if you remember Hurricane Gloria.

Bill Devane lied to me?

PSA: you don’t need and most likely cannot handle a Belgian Malinois. don’t do it.

Patriots. Football. Now.

McDermott wearing an NYPD hat is fitting. Looks like one of the dudes who shot Serpico.

Do you have a tow spindle?

Don’t you lie to me like I’m Montel Williams that you’re Autosaving, WordPress. We both know better.

Of course the Miami Hurricanes cheerleaders are hot.

‘Sale and Paxton need eight days of inaction’ could be the Hub’s ‘Spahn and Sain and pray for rain’ of the 21st century.

Tony Masserotti still hasn’t unlocked his Twitter account? Loser.

Best bet for the weekend: beach erosion on the Outer Cape.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Our love leads to madness.

The nigh-worthless Boston Globe should have been writing wall-to-wall columns about how Jared Remy needed to do a 30-year stretch to learn his lesson before he murdered Jennifer Martel.

Last Wednesday Warren Buffett turned 93, Last Friday Jimmy Buffett drops dead. Makes you think.

Kyle Teel has already been promoted to Double A. Is he using a disguised metal bat?

I hate the ‘Coach Prime’ nickname more than the ‘Shady’, ‘Hollywood’, and ‘Wink’ ones put together.

Bill Lee is too old for baseball. He should run for the Senate.

Well I think it’s great that Mike Reiss once a week provides a sports component to Touch & Rich’s Morning Zoo.

There’s nothing like riding an electric bicycle to a game of pickleball.

Cakes are cooking for Chrissie Hynde, Mark McCumber, Benmont Tench, Bruce Armstrong, Uta Pippig, Darren Bragg, Tom Everett Scott, Shannon Elizabeth, Mark Prior, Vera Zvonareva, Rafinha, and Evan Rachel Wood.

Florida played at Utah. Are they in the same conference now?

Why is some clothing marketed now as sleepwear? I think I’ll decide when & where I wear it, thank you.

When is someone, Chris Nolan I’m looking at you, going to make an FDR trilogy? 1st movie starts w/run for VP, getting polio, relationship w/Eleanor, governor of NY and ends w/his election as POTUS, 2nd: New Deal until the start of WW2 in Europe, 3rd: WW2 up to his death. Yalta could be its own movie.

Hey gang of blondies, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “New Englanders call water fountains bubblers.”

We lost Ken Powers over the summer? Shame.

The watch party up in heaven with Mike Leach and Jimmy Buffett is going to be a banger.

Kudos on a job…done, Chris Mortensen, you stooge. Oh, and Matthew 22:36-40 doesn’t mean it’s okay to ignore the Ninth Commandment, the one about bearing false witness against your neighbor.

Heat bugs!

There’s lots of questions about how Chris Godwin and Mike Evans will fare this season with a new QB, but they draw a great Week 1 matchup.

Red Sox pissing and shitting all over themselves and the biggest story in town is the local backup quarterback being moved to the practice squad.

Thankfully Tom Caron pronounced “Negro Leagues Museum” flawlessly.

I had this vivid dream that a phenom pitcher named Gil Thielen — I remember specifically spelling the name in the dream — was called up by the Mariners and was leading them to the World Series when I got an exclusive interview. I might be thinking too much about baseball.

Now that Gil Brandt’s dead, just imagine all the players we’ll learn he called Upton Bell about.

Best of luck to Americans Coco Gauff, Madison Keys, and Ben Shelton in the US Open Semifinals today and tomorrow.

Deuce Tatum is darker than Chris Gasper.

When I was single, I’d sleep on the comforter and put blankets over me. I never had to clean the sheets. Although not sure that is why I did it. I think I simply didn’t feel the need to pull down the comforter if I had blankets to cover me. That changed when I met my wife.

Is Sam Shaughnessy’s dad bemoaning someone receiving preferential treatment from the justice system?

It’s such a drag to want something sometime.
One thing leads to another, I know.
Was a time I wanted you for mine,
Nobody knew.
You arrived like a day and passed like a cloud.
I made a wish, I said it out loud.
Out loud in a crowd.
Everybody heard.
‘Twas the talk of the town.

Made some Gold Bark chicken thighs with a little sprinkle of Sriracha, absolutely delicious.

Honk if you remember Good Time Emporium of Somerville.

Deion Sanders? He self identifies as black which is convenient given he’s a black.

I know there is white asparagus, but are there white collard greens?

If Kelce doesn’t play, no quarterback in the history of the game will have had a worse group of offensive skill players surrounding him tonight that poor Patrick Mahomes.

Jimmy Buffett was one thing but not the Smash Mouth guy too.

Good Luck Team USA in the FIBA semifinals thingie.

Best bet for the weekend: Patriots offense getting the best of newly re-anointed super-defensive genius rocket scientist Matt Patricia.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Gonna use my arms, gonna use my legs. Gonna use my style, gonna use my sidestep. Gonna use my fingers, gonna use my, my, my Imagination.

If you have no backup quarterbacks, you really don’t have any backup quarterbacks.

Anyone that booed Mookie Betts at Fenway should get the bum’s rush out the door and be told never to return.

Is all Bradford does now is guilt people into uncomfortably posing with his wrinkled shirts?

The US Navy has had an air element since 1911. The Naval Acadamy football squadron should follow suit.

Oh great, we’ve reached the night where Dave O’Brien awkwardly congratulates kids on having cancer.

Cakes are cooking for Robert Crumb, Peggy Lipton, Lewis Black, Robert Parish, Butch Johnson, Michael Chiklis, Cameron Diaz, Shaun Alexander, Andy Roddick, and Bebe Rexha.

News Item: Publix says it will no longer make hurricane themed cakes due to sensitivity concerns. Sad.

Bengals QB Joe Burrow is back for practice.

It’s OK, guys—Chris Sale is gonna take full responsibility and promise to do better next time!

Mookie Betts was the Dodgers’ last chance on Saturday, Alex Verdugo was Boston’s on Sunday. Fitting.

Does the Ashoka theme feature a mournful fiddle? Asking for Kenny Burns.

I wonder if Hank Gathers would’ve taken advantage of the gather step. Back when he played, that was a travel.

I’m forever a #TeamPhysicalMedia guy. But there’s a lotta quality flicks for just a fin* on the ‘book store outta fucking control’ streamer. [*- (urban) denotes $5 ]

Hey gang of baseball poets, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Pouring in Boston / sky is crying because Mookie is here as a Dodger.”

Bob Barker. 99 years. Amazing longevity. Did he die yodeling off a cliff?

I’m not looking forward to the discourse on Patriots Twitter when Tyquan Thornton gets traded to the Steelers for a conditional 5th rounder in a few days.

Jarren Duran, out for the remainder of the season due to false hustle.

The Brattle Street entrance to Harvard Station is temporarily closed due to ongoing Fire Department activity in the area.

Morey Hershgordon isn’t real and he cannot hurt you.

I wonder if any ex-pro athlete has ever turned down a gambling app or Subway sponsorship opportunity.

I’m always in the mood for crab rangoons.

A long time between season-opening road wins, UMass football. Nice job.

Windham Rotunda? That’s a hotel name. Rest in peace.

‘Has the persona of an Anti-Zionist Muhammad Ali’ was on all of Len Bias’s scouting reports.

Super. Blue. Moon.

Last week’s debate was like a D&D dungeon party where everyone rolled a 3 charisma.

John and Mitchy were gettin’ kind of itchy
Just to leave the folk music behind.
Zal and Denny workin’ for a penny
Tryin’ to get a fish on the line.
In a coffee house Sebastian sat
And after every number
They’d pass the hat.
McGuinn and McGuire just a-gettin’ higher
In L.A., you know where that’s at.
And no one’s gettin’ fat except Mama Cass.

Red Sox fans’ overwhelming (and justified) nastiness towards management for trading Mookie Betts makes me wish Twitter existed in 1919 when they got rid of The Babe.

Fun Fact: Ted Williams, whose birthday is today, could fly high-performance fighter jets, clout improbably long home runs, see the rotation of a baseball, and detect an ounce difference in the weight of a baseball bat, but nonetheless could not tell you whether the singer in a song by The Cars was Ric Ocasek, or Benjamin Orr!

All accomplishment comes with a side helping of harsh criticism.

The Galactic Empire apparently had a dress code Moff that forbade women to wear tight pants.

The Dodgers fix dudes left and right with grips while the Sox can’t even manage a bullpen correctly.

Honk if you remember ENIAC.

Three hours after the deadline, the Ravens, Bucs, Broncos and Raiders still have not announced their roster moves. It’s beyond ridiculous.

Me Winning Time isn’t. You do.

Hummus is delicious!

Don’t all you feel a little bit like a silly goose over the whole Patriots players released thing now?

best bet for the weekend: Auburn. Sorry, MinuteCats.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I saw her again last night.