(Originally published October 21, 2020 at BJBSJournal.com)
Luscious Juicy Sandwiches
Sounds anecdotal.
I’ve always wanted to fondle a pitching rubber and get John Tudor’s autograph, not to mention, put in writing how I feel about the trio of fartknockers that run this organization.
Voting at Fenway? Joe Moody must be quite busy today!
Sorry, folks. Never in my life heard of Twix. And many of you probably never heard of the Clark Bar. Anyway, everyone knows that if we were constitutionally restricted to one (1) candy, it would have to be Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. All you Twix freaks now have a moral obligation to go out and buy a month’s supply to keep your beloved candy in business.
Did you know the Red Sox traded Mookie? Zoinks!
Josh Allen? Not elite.
Cakes are cooking for Manfred Mann, Judith Sheindlin, Charlotte Caffey, Joey Harrington, and Kim Kardashian.
How many shares in the Red Sox do I have to buy to steal Linda from John? Would.
Steve Buckley coming out, and the fraud Ordway trying to come across as an advocate for sexual choice. He sat by silent while the revolving door of WEEI dickwads spewed anti-gay sentiment. Just recall when the gay marriage bill was in debate and how Glenn’s big ex-jock buddies ripped on that ad nauseum. They knew Buck was gay, and did this crap in his presence. Shame on Buck for his willingness to take a check at the expense of his own dignity, and shame on the gaggles of douchebags that put him in that dilemma. Don’t reinvent history and try to come off as supportive. All parties involved at WEEI are frauds and I’d expect nothing less at this point.
“Mother’s basement” is really a pre-WiFi insult. Now you can troll from anywhere in the house!
Also, I was today years old when I found out that Joe Buck is the son of Marv Albert. Gonna need a moment here.
Swishy. Sackface. And the Milkman’s Son. That’s it. That’s the post.
Last week, Dak Prescott gets hurt. This week, Dak Emrick announces his retirement. Some coincidence.
If Twix sponsored the ’67 Impossible Dream Red Sox Bobert would have crispy cookie and caramel smothered all over his mouth and down his chin every day.
You’re not changing my mind. In a way, never liking Kirk Minihane is an ADVANTAGE.
I wonder if there is a Boston Media Home for Little Wanderers? Butch Stearns and Pete Sheppard having morning coffee together. Doug Meehan cleaning the kitchen and complaining that Bob Lobel is a slob. Ted Sarandis coming home angry every night after yet another unsuccessful attempt to find a five dollar hooker.
Plain Black Hat is due to discover Midsommar next Summer.
Cool fall weather means it’s that time of year to stay inside, sit in a recliner in a dark room, and scratch your arms.
Tom Caron has always been a huge Liverpool FC. Yup, for sure, always.
If the day ends with a -y, then you can bet Trenni is on the hunt for men on Plenty of Fish.
He Got Game is retroactively bad because Ray Allen is a cunt.
Howdy, Taggers, Invisoneers, WordPressers and Slackers! This weeks Phrase that Pays is ‘Value-Pak Slap Mags!’ Honkies!
Does anyone know the fall hours at Whalom Park?
Can’t wait for the Red Sox Ownership Group to introduce Wally’s latest relative, ‘Financial Flexibility!’
Zoomy Zubes!
Mouse-wife to Mom-shell in the time it took to get that new tattoo, tattoo, tattoo!
Well actually, the building is no longer structurally sound and a family of 6 squirrels is now homeless. In this economy? How will they survive? This is what happens in Trumps America.
“Behind the Scenes at WCVB” That’s a book I’d buy… -Amalia Barretta…was she the reason for the breakup of Chet and Nat? -Frank Avruch…was he really a legendary swordsman? -Derm Keohane…most knew him as the ugly guy in the small box doing sign language on the morning news before closed captioning was invented…what you don’t know is what a prick he was!!! -Clark Booth…did he really have a larger porn stash than Bin Laden? -Captain Bob…his scandalous secret life and X-Rated etchings!!! -Jim Boyd…the shocking items he hid in his afro!
UMass football probably needed more practice time, too.
When are we finally going to cancel Pete Blackburn for misappropriation of gay culture?
Honk if you remember Mr. Magoo.
You can’t WFH an RPO!
Merloni, with his dyed facial hair and mop is resembling “the Great Svengarlic”, the fraudulent hypnotist that walked the Three Stooges out onto a flagpole.
It’s Wape Wice, for the good times.
Best bet for the weekend: Joe Buck overload.
If anyone needs me I will be out walking my pet rat, ‘Ronald.’
material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, other writers, league and team sources, and#the15 wereused in this column.Fare thee well, Robert LJ ‘HotDog’ “Bob from NH” Sandwich. You are missed.
Cakes are cooking for Neil Diamond, Michael Ontkean, Jumbo Ozaki, Yakov Smirnoff, William F. Readdy, Jools Holland, Nastassja Kinski, Rob Dibble, Mary Lou Retton, Tatyana M. Ali, Scott Speed, Scott Kazmir, Sean McVey, and Luis Suárez.
The nerds don’t understand football and the coaches don’t understand math.
Is the clam hockey team good?
Bill Barnwell looks like a credible suspect in the Zodiac Killer investigation.
GLX Reminder: Shuttle Buses replace service between North Station and Medford/Tufts this weekend, Jan 27-28, due to track work. Union Square riders can use Bus Routes 86, 87, or 91 to connect to shuttles or the Orange Line
MA Senator Ed Markey thinks Lukey Russert’s alleged ties to Buffalo are tenuous.
News Item: Rams’ defensive coordinator Raheem Morris is scheduling second in-person head-coaching interviews with the Falcons, Panthers, Commanders and Seahawks. He gets one more punch on his card and he gets a Dan Rooney-autographed football!
Tim Wakefield also endorsed the season ticket price increase from heaven.
At what point does some media member other than Dondero say that it’s fucked up that Jonathan and some PR lady are running football operations?
Doc is the Bucks coach? Doc is not the Bucks coach. Tommy is here? Tommy is not here?
Imagine saying a man looked “phenomenal.”
Just keep running Josh Allen like he’s Mike Alstott. That’s a sustainable plan for success.
Is Larry Brown coaching anybody now?
Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “STOP AND DIVE IF YOU’VE DONE THE MACARENA!”
I don’t know how official it is to be rated New England’s most versatile DJ.
Kyle Lowry is gonna get so fucking fat in Charlotte since he won’t have Jimmy Butler threatening to kill him if he eats another chicken wing.
I don’t trust people who use percentages arbitrarily.
Congratulations to Northeastern Woman’s Hockey on the Inaugural Woman’s Beanpot Championship! What? No, if there had been a Woman’s Beanpot before this year I think I would have heard about it.
Arthur Blank looks like the bad guy in every Three Stooges short.
I just learned like two days ago that Stanley drink tumbler isn’t the same Stanley that makes my box cutter and tape measure.
Nice mock draft, cumrag.
I had read every book from Michael Connelly but recently caught on to the TV series. Now having binge watched all nine seasons let me just say Titus Welliver IS Harry Bosch, and I can’t wait for season ten.
Tanner Houck looks 45 years old.
The opening seconds of that Shields MRI ad from 2019 featuring a member of the Patriots End Zone Militia has the same visual cadence as a presidential spot.
Is Bert Breer just gonna keep pretending that someone is paying him?
Honk if you remember Airwolf.
There really is no good way of teaching someone how to properly load a dishwasher without sounding like a condescending prick.
The REAL Damar Hamlin (Rest In Power) woulda had the first down.
Female stalkers are never hot.
You idiot, this isn’t a modern offense, it’s a contemporary offense!
They do it down on Camber Sands They do it at Waikiki Lazing about the beach all day At night the crickets creepy.
Squinting faces at the sky A Harold Robbins paperback Surfers drop their boards and dry And everybody wants a hat.
But behind the Chalet My holiday’s complete And I feel like William Tell Maid Marian on her tiptoe feet.
Pulling Mussels From The Shell. Pulling Mussels From The Shell.
Warning: If you find a bread clip on your tire, you are conflating your clickbait articles!
Ichiro deserves to be a unanimous selection for the HOF next year. Just as Griffey, Jr., Jeter, Beltre, etc. deserved it. Hopefully, that happens.
Doc’s first order of business: deport Thanasis Antetokounmpo.
Isn’t it bad to burn cash?
Every time you RT Thomas Carrieri he gets another zit and a nickel.
Shake the almond tree.
I hope The Sports Hub didn’t pick Jim Murray to express the station’s condolences to the Kyed family.
Who knew Abbottabad abutted Orchard Park?
We see you running ‘The Commisar Vanishes’ playbook, Jonathan.
Best bet for the weekend: mobile QB’s!!
“Buenos noches, amigos! Sam wanted me to say a few words about the upcoming season, but I have a better idear: let’s break my son out of prison!” [crowd boos]
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Take me I’m yours because dreams are made of this. Forever there’ll be a heaven in your kiss.
Dominic ‘Dom’ DeSantis was selected out of Miami Dade College in the 23rd round of the 1989 MLB draft by the Boston Red Sox. He did not sign with the club. He then attended the University of New Orleans and was selected in the 28th round of the 1990 draft by Baltimore. Opting to again remain in school, he was finally signed following the 1991 draft, having been picked in the 20th round by the Phillies. The right hander pitched 4 minor league seasons, accumulating a 2.92 ERA and topping out at the High A level. He retired after a poor showing for the Duluth-Superior Dukes of the Independent League. Currently a sales manager in the Tampa Bay area, he has not held public office.
Print your own card and play along at home during the intro presser! (stick tap @SportyRMcKenzie)
Before they bought the team the Krafts were probably shitty fans too. ‘Celebrity caller’ level knee-jerk dinks.
Those half Patriots half Cowboys hoodies are gonna go crazy.
The Good Kid is now in sole possession of 10th place in all time Bruins scoring list.
When Tom Werner said, ‘full throttle’, he meant, ‘due to a scheduling conflict, John W. Henry will be unable to attend the Winter Weekend event.’
WembyamaMania comes to TDGarden!
I don’t like NFL playoff games on Mondays (the originally scheduled one). They could have had 3 games Saturday, 3 games Sunday, and not stuck anyone with a short week in the postseason. It doesn’t seem fair.
Not sure why these players don’t copy Brady and go with a 1-millimeter full body wetsuit. Wouldn’t even know its cold and 1mm is not restrictive at all.
If you’re not Norwegian, you’re Mexican.
Cakes are cooking for James Earl Jones, Todd Susman, Steve Earle, Mick Taylor, Katalin Kariko, Steve Harvey, Chili Davis, Jim Carrey, Shabba Ranks, Jeremy Roenick, Derrick Mason, Zooey Deschanel, Dwyane Wade, Calvin Harris, and Jake Paul.
That is what the Eagles get for putting an offensive coordinator in charge of the defense.
The wrong local team is going full throttle.
I don’t think we appreciate enough how the centers know to snap the ball at a time it won’t bounce off the guy in motion.
Green Line Reminder: No train service between North Station and Babcock St (B), Kenmore (C+D), and Heath St (E) due to track work. Use buses to Copley/Back Bay. Use Orange Line between Back Bay and North Station. Regular service will resume Jan. 29.
Imagine being such a lazy piece of shit that you have to sniff chocolate instead of eating it.
This made me smiggle (that’s a word I made up, it’s smile + giggle)
I have been cancelled he screamed on ESPN while wearing a wifebeater.
Boston: hold my iced Dunkies.
So when is the town hall portion of this year’s Red Sox Winter Weekend?
A major offensive shakeup: The Saints are moving on from OC Pete Carmichael, per me and Tom Pelissero, changing their offense for the first time since 2009.
Hey gang of fabulous fabulists, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I’m strong, athletic, and savvy.”
Has there ever been a major league baseball player who was older than the sitting President?
I enjoyed The Holdovers. My wife found it depressing. I thought it was uplifting. Maybe it was both. Either way, amazing actors.
The carousel is still churning.
Jonathan watching Succession and taking notes like it’s a documentary.
Did Football Cat go 5 for 6 over Super Wild Card Weekend?
Update: Brandon Carlo, Derek Forbort, Matt Poitras, and Linus Ullmark are practicing.
Hear me out here. I would respect the Kyed and Wojak expose from last week a lot more if they actually had to work for it, and weren’t just running PR for Mayo et al.
I think that’s the Snapchat logo above the Rams nameplates. Every. Single. Time.
Help me, baby, ain’t no stranger. Help me, baby, ain’t no stranger. Help me, baby, ain’t no stranger.
Can’t you hear me knockin’? Ahh, are you safe asleep? Can’t you hear me knockin’? Yeah, down the gas light street, now. Can’t you hear me knockin’? Yeah, throw me down the keys, Alright now.
Hear me ringin’ big bell tolls. Hear me singin’ soft and low. I’ve been beggin’ on my knees. I’ve been kickin’, help me, please.
The Marcus Stroman return home to New York has its potentil story if his 2d half hip issue(24 IP, after 112.2 in 1st is cured):father Earl a New York policeman, HS Jr. Jayden Duke-bound SS w/R.Cano comp Height Doesn’t Measure Heat Foundation msgical. Cape 2010-11? 34 IP, 0 R
Better Call Saul and Cat Detective, both shut out in Emmy voting. Like equals!
That’s terrible dirt.
Honk if you remember ‘Goodnight Beantown.’
Breakfast lasagna!
Green Bay QB Jordan Love’s girlfriend’s father is Boston College alum Ron Stone.
Feel better, cupcake. You sound like Gina Gershon.
Tom Caron must stare out the window all winter waiting for spring training to start.
Jon Bon Jovi is lucky he got to ring the lighthouse bell when he did.
Welcome back, Anita.
To me, the essence of Bill Belichick is a visor, a whistle wrapped around his finger and teaching moments in late July. Checking on punt protection in a near corner of one practice field. Pulling an undrafted rookie aside for a pointer or two in a far corner of another field…
I’m sure eventually Dak will have more playoff wins than Ryan Tannehill.
Get up, Jim Irsay.
Happy trails, Coach Murphy.
Best bet for the weekend: a spirited fake QB slide competition in Buffalo.
This is a good billboard; no puzzling owl references.
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Stop what’s goin’ on, stop what’s goin’ wrong. You better listen from now on.
And Happy Birthday to singer, songwriter, guitarist, author, and actress Susanna Hoffs.
I personally trust the judgment of the 82-year-old who got caught getting dirty oriental handjobs to do the best thing.
Bruins need to be less committed to not repeating as the Presidents’ Trophy winners, and also not getting any more upper or lower body injuries.
Every football game should be shown on SkyCam with no announcers.
Where the fuck did Nick Cattles get tens of thousands of dollars? Well, if he ever gets a job in radio, he can make that money back in 3 or 4 years.
Good job, good effort, Last Two Minute Report.
If NE needed to kick more FG’s Sunday they should have brought out Zolak to clear the ground.
Does anybody actually enjoy Pat McAfee?
Some feel that Michigan winning the NC will take Harbaugh to the NFL. I can’t believe that he’d leave his Alma Mater after winning a Natty. I’m sure we’ll know shortly.
I ain’t dying shoveling snow.
Cakes are cooking for William Sanderson, Edward ‘Colonel DeBeers’ Wiskoski, Rod Stewart, Donald Fagan, George Foreman, Pat Benatar, Shawn Colvin, Janet Jones, Jim Lindeman, Sarah Josephson, Glenn Robinson, Jake Delhomme, Shannon Kavanaugh, and Adam Kennedy
Dan Orlovsky wouldn’t wash those wet jackets after the Steelers-Ravens game; He’d just let them air dry and wear them again.
Just make Trent Brown the GM. All fix!
Women are constitutionally incapable of taking criticism.
Gallant Vrabes is a defensive guru; Goofus Bill saw the game pass him by.
If this Celtics lose to the Heat again than take a fucking bomb to this thing. That team has zero business on the same floor as them it’s embarrassing, they’re one Jimmy Butler three away from being 0-3 vs that team in the ECF. Nut up and beat their asses.
Red Line Braintree Branch Update: Southbound delays of about 20 minutes due to flooding near Braintree have cleared.
I don’t think 100,000 Dominican pesos are very many dollars.
Oh no, Hali. Hope he’s alright.
Belichick should stroll in wearing an Orchids of Asia sweatshirt and put his feet up on the old man’s desk.
If you are covering three NHL teams you are covering none.
The Mt. Calvary Crew team should not be eligible for the Division 1 Finals! Parochials should play their own kind!
Hey gang of wokesters, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Mark Cuban is from Cuba you SPEDs.”
Only one feline team left for Football Cat to root for in the playoffs.
Nick Wright looks like a mashup of every weird friend in every teen comedy film from 1980-2010.
If I don’t have Will Flemming in my life anymore I’ll be livid.
The Progressive ads protecting people from becoming their parents never miss.
I’m definitely at the point in my life where heated seats are more for back pain than staying warm.
Brush your teeth, cumrag.
The greatest mistake the city of Boston made in terms of this was not figuring out a way to connect both North and South Stations especially during the Big Dig.
The Michigan win is definitely tempered by a Harbro being happy. Bleh.
Do people from Houston really care about the program that’s employed thousands, brought humanity into outer space, and exponentially accelerated technological developments including many of the things in our daily lives we take for granted? Yes, Albert, they do.
I always love it when someone says a car has a “yolk steering wheel.”
Introduce me to that big blonde. She’s got a touch of Tuesday Weld. She’s wearing Ambush and a French twist. She’s got us wild and she can tell. She loves to limbo, that much is clear; She’s got the right dynamic for the new frontier.
Well I can’t wait till I move to the city. Till I finally make up my mind To learn design and study overseas.
If you’re going to hire Vrabel you might as well just keep Belichick. Eh, Artie Blank finna give Vrabes the bag anyway.
Honk if you remember Spider Sabich.
I was rooting for Katie Nolan on ‘Celebrity Jeopardy.’ Sorrey!
Centrist Libertarians aren’t real and cannot hurt you.
Congratulations Theresa Schafzahl on scoring Team Boston’s first WPHL goal. Here’s to many more.
I’m sorrey but if you leave 4,000 cash out in plain sight you deserve to have your dog eat it once it’s unattended.
Understanding and anger are the deadliest of enemies. Understanding kills anger in most cases. Anger kills understanding in all cases.
Josh Allen’s gonna play for fifteen more years?
No TJ Watt against the Bills on Sunday. (Or against the Chiefs on Saturday, as Watt does not play for the Dolphins)
The song from the new IHOP commercial slaps hard.
If TurtleChode had hired Smaven instead of this other nutsack Bradl he’d be having a scorpion bowl at the Dragon 88 RN planning his next move, proly.
A: $1,702.00
Drew Carter is like if you gave a wetnap a really obnoxious radio voice.
I don’t talk to dead people.
Probably shouldn’t have let a criminal have your washable check, huh?
The league needs more drunk Irish GMs.
Best bet for the weekend: The Dolphins freezing up against KC in icy Arrowhead.
Not an officially sanctioned Immaculate Squids. Is there a solution?
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Old Friend jforb, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Clean this mess up, else we’ll all end up in jail. Those test tubes and the scale, just get it all out of here. Is there gas in the car? Yes, there’s gas in the caaar. I think the people down the hall know who you are.
(Originally published October 4, 2019 at BJBSJournal.com)
Excerpts from the unpublished manuscript by Ms. Beatrice Kerr, which to date has been rejected for publication by; Esquire Magazine, LIFE, Sport, The Boston Phoenix, The Atlantic, Reader’s Digest, The Boston Globe Magazine, TALKERS Magazine, The Improper Bostonian, The Christian Science Monitor, Playboy, Vibe, The Lawrence Eagle Tribune, Art Monthly, Boston Magazine, The Wellsley Townsman, Yankee Magazine, Jet, digboston, Street & Smith’s Pro Football Draft Preview, EXPO Magazine, The Somerville Times, Radio Ink, Southwest: The Magazine, The New England Journal of Medicine, and Parrot World.
18 April 2008 – 11:39 AM Larry Johnson is excited. It’s a big sports time in Boston. All the local teams are active. The Celtics are about to start the playoffs. The Red Sox are off to a decent start and will always be the number one story. The Bruins are in the playoffs and winning. Even though Larry is enjoying the Bruins, he misses the old NHL and the fighting. No, really. Larry’s just being honest. He could lie and say he likes the finesse game, but that wouldn’t be Christian. So he admits that he enjoys seeing God’s creatures beating the bejesus out of one another. Except Larry pronounces that “be-hay-soos” because he doesn’t like to take the Lord’s name in vain. That’s a sure ticket to eternal damnation where Larry has heard the buffet is a big disappointment.
And the NFL Draft is coming up. Larry likes to think of himself as a bit of a self-styled NFL draftnik. He doesn’t really care much for college football (except for BC, where Jon Meterparel does a great job) and doesn’t really know any of the players but he finds the discussion fascinating and what’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with having a diversion from the vicissitudes of life? A welcome respite from things like plagiarism, lack of self respect and annoyingly persistent weight gain. Larry’s partner, Craig Mustard, doesn’t like the draft and tells Larry not to talk about it. Even though Craig and Larry kid around a lot on the air, Larry thinks Craig is a great guy and he does a great job. Just as all the guys at the station do. And the callers too. Great guys.
And the Boston Marathon is coming up. Larry’s hoping he gets the call to sit in on one of Monday’s shows. He has a hilarious riff on running that he uses every year that really breaks the guys up. “I can’t even drive 26 miles!!” and “hey, Pete, are you sweaty from running the Marathon or walking up the stairs??” and “I run to Shaw’s every weekend!!” and “I have congenital heart failure. Please help me. Guys, I’m serious.” He has a lot of fun with it and the guys at the station really seem to enjoy Larry’s humor. It’s a great place to work.
16 May 2008 – 4:32 PM Larry Johnson is torn. It’s the Friday before his Saturday morning radio show at WEEI. It’s a great place to work with a great bunch of guys. He and Craig Mustard argue a lot on the air, but it’s all in good fun. Larry prays for Craig, just as he does all of the guys at the station. Craig’s a great guy. He’s settled down and become a family man and Larry couldn’t be happier. Despite the fact that Craig once refused to donate his kidney to Larry when Larry lay near death even though Craig was a perfect match, Larry still thinks Craig is a great guy and he long ago put that ugly business behind him.
The reason Larry is torn about tomorrow’s show is that he doesn’t know how he will handle one of the hot button issues of the Boston sports week. He knows fans will want to talk about the Herald and John Tomase. Larry knows that fans will want to engage in personal attacks on John, who Larry thinks does a great job. Just as all the guys at the Herald do. Larry secretly hopes that the Celtics clinch their series tonight so he can talk about positive things. That’s what Larry likes to do. He thinks there’s far too much negativity in this town. He loves that Rick Pitino quote. He liked Pitino’s press conferences. He likes all press conferences. He finds it fascinating when the media questions people with microphones and cameras around. There’s always the possibility that someone will say something fascinating.
Larry likes to put a lot of issues on the table for the Saturday show. Craig jokes that Larry should be used to a full table. Larry laughs and then sometimes chokes because of his congestive heart failure, which is not funny but the pictures of his heart the doctor showed him are fascinating.
Larry hopes John Tomase can find spiritual guidance to carry him through these dark times. Larry likes to act as a sort of shepherd to his fellow man. But not like Pete Sheppard. That’s one of Larry’s favorite lines and he laughs a lot after it, sometimes without passing out.
In fact, Larry decides he’s going to call John after the show and offer to take him over to Lively Stones church. Not for a sermon, but for some fun. There are a great bunch of guys there who get together in the spirit of fellowship, faith and trans fats. He thinks John will fit right in. John’s a great guy and Larry would like to introduce him to Jesus, the greatest of great guys.
06 Jun 2008 – 2:10 PM Larry Johnson is depressed. It’s the day before his regular Saturday shift at WEEI with his old partner, Craig Mustard. Craig’s a great guy and a great high school teacher in an exclusive Boston suburb. Larry’s not a teacher but he spends his days drawing Glenn Ordway. The guys at the station have a lot of respect for Larry’s art. They kid him about the fact that he traces everything, but Larry just laughs and winces to hide the pain when they’re not looking. The fact that his life’s work has become a punchline makes Larry sometimes wish he’d followed his first calling: to be an aviator. Sometimes he still pretends he’s a pilot while he’s sitting on the toilet. But his large frame, flat feet, nearsightedness, high blood pressure, uncontrollable sweating, explosive flatulence, high glucose levels, webbed toes, compressed vertebrae, trouble swallowing, vertigo, respiratory problems and irritable bowel syndrome left him just shy of the physical requirements. So he put down his wings and picked up a pencil.
Larry likes who he is and he knows that the other guys at the station like him too. They call him “LJ”, which Larry knows is not a name you would call someone that you did not like. Sometimes Larry likes to drive over to the station just to be around the guys, even if he isn’t working. He sits on the other side of the glass with headphones on and watches Glenn and the guys work their magic. He mouths what he would say if he was on the air. He touches his hand to the glass. His heart flutters but not in a way that he recognizes he needs to hit his Medic Alert button. He sketches another cartoon of Glenn. This time he gives him purple pants. That’s a good one. Glenn will like that. He thinks about how much he wants to be a regular on the station. It hurts sometimes, but then the free food arrives. Larry is right where he wants to be.
02 Sept 2008 – 3:07 PM Larry Johnson is frightened. When Jason Wolfe asked to meet with him several days ago at TGI Friday’s, Larry figured something was up. He knew that heavenly appetizers and reasonably priced, cheese-covered entrees might not be the only thing on the menu. Before they could get through the third bucket of boneless wings, Wolfe got right to the point. He was relieving Larry and Craig Mustard of their weekend hosting duties. Larry tried to make a joke about the Red Sox and their relievers, and then about Pete relieving himself in the studio, but Wolfe sat stone faced across the family-sized vinyl booth, leaning back in his booster seat and folding his arms. Suddenly, the fancy lighting and welcoming décor that Larry always loved about the Friday’s chain started to spin. Larry felt his heart running faster than normal, his head growing light and his torso starting to sweat. And he hadn’t been near a flight of three stairs in weeks. Larry’s mind raced as he thought about how he might illustrate this moment. How can one trace the death of a dream? Just before he passed out, he saw a Rolling Stone tongue logo on the wall. He never knew Friday’s to be so edgy. And for the 12th time that day, Larry Johnson lost consciousness.
Larry awoke to find all the guys from the station standing over him. He was in the hospital. It turns out the boneless wings…weren’t. No one from the station had ever come to visit him before during his 372 recent stays. He was overcome with emotion. What a great bunch of guys! Who wouldn’t want Chronic Obstructed Pulmonary Disorder if it means the guys are going to come see you?
After that, how could he hold a grudge about getting fired? Just because a short man and great guy named Wolfe has taken away his only connection to humans, his access card to all the great guys at the station and free food, his purpose in life…why should he be upset? God only gives us as much as we can handle, a proverb Larry put to the test repeatedly at the Old Country Buffet. They do a great job over there. Really. Who would have thought you could put cheese right in the meatloaf? Not Larry. But they do. And it’s great.
Later that night, as he lay awake in his hospital bed, the ventilator working overtime hooked up to an auxiliary industrial strength turbine engine, Larry looked out at the night sky. And then it came to him…satellite radio! He picked up the hospital phone and quickly called Craig, who asked how he got his home number. Craig was always kidding. Larry told him about his idea. Craig said “Sirius?” Larry replied, “I’ve nevah been more serious in my whole life!” And the dream was born anew.
We at The Journal are glad to provide an outlet for Ms. Kerr, and hope she can find a publisher due to this publicity. She is welcome to publish other works, if any, here as well. @firegoodell3
Shorter Boston sports media: “Robert Kraft don’t you DARE keep Bill after we all worked so hard convincing you he had to be fired!!”
C’s getting themselves out of trouble like their dad is a detective had to end sometime.
I’ll say it every time he’s on: Sean McDonough is the best multi-sport broadcaster in the business. #SugarBowl
PWHL Boston. Simple and to the point. Best of luck.
For someone who calls for so many reviews Scal seldom knows what they are looking at.
A four-game win streak pretty well and good evens out the damage of a four-game losing skid. Keep the momentum up for the new year, Bruins.
Fire Sale? No; they traded him to Atlanta.
Does anybody know if Belichick is focused on getting ready for the Jets?
Coach Hardo got too cute by half and bit his own kneecap.
Aaron Rodgers is such an asshole, he makes you root for Jimmy Kimmel.
Cakes are cooking for Thelma Schoonmaker, Stephen Stills, John Paul Jones, Jim Ross, Mel Gibson, Willy T, Ribbs, Jim Everett, Cheryl Miller, Michael Schumacher, Danica McKellar, A.J. Burnett, Kōhei Uchimura, Jisoo, and Florence Pugh.
David Tyree and Eli Manning also have birthdays. But no cake for them.
Jim Harbaugh could win a national championship. John Harbaugh could win a Super Bowl. It’s a good time to be a Harbaugh.
Green Line Reminder: No train service between North Station and Babcock St (B), Kenmore (C+D), and Heath St (E), through Jan. 12 & Jan. 16-28, due to track work. Use buses for service to Copley/Back Bay. Use Orange Line between Back Bay and North Station.
Hey gang of tipplers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Those are nice ducks.”
Life is about little, surprising, pleasures. Ate at the Corrib Pub in Brighton, MA prior to BC-Wake Forest. Excellent “Irish” BLT (a club you can actually eat), great fries, great music mix and a friendly Irish bartender. Someone should take notes.
News Item: After more than 40 years, Improv Boston closing down. Yes, and…?
Can we stop it with this? Ja didn’t dunk on Wembanyama. He attacked Wemby and got by him. This was no Vince on Fred Weiss situation.
It’s DeMario not DeMario idiot.
I’d pay extra if League Pass had an option for just crowd and ambient noise.
I met you several years ago The times, they were so strange but I had it figured out You looked into my eyes just once An instant flashing by that we were stealing
Another time you felt so bad And I wasn’t any help at all as I recall We didn’t know quite what to do, so we left the wanting Be still there for me and you.
Dark star, I see you in the morning. Dark star, a-sleeping next to me, Dark star, let the memory of the evening, Be the first thing that you think of When you open up your smile and see me, dark star.
Almost all professional writers are paranoid about accidentally borrowing some other writer’s words. It’s a professional hazard, a writer’s equivalent to falling asleep at the wheel if you are a truck driver or accidentally insulting your boss if you’re a mafioso.
Whitlock needs to update his macOS; looks like he hasn’t since at least 2019.
I am not a uniform guy. just win, baby!
The Chargers needed to run the wedding defense. It’s the only thing that can stop Stidham.
Local Collaborative queueing up for the Penix Bandwagon?
I hope Aidan enjoyed the inmate traditional celebration of the new year when everyone bangs on their cell doors for 15 or 20 minutes at the stroke of midnight.
Honk if you remember the Paul Anka Integrity Kick.
McAvoy looks good so far playing without his ACL and MCL.
Every good thing in this world started with a dream.
Now two elite AFC quarterbacks are confirmed to be resting in Week 18: Patrick Mahomes and Joe Flacco.
Peter May was a consummate pro. The Globe was lucky to have him.
Go Peabsy! He’s on the ropes!
I’ve seen what I needed to see, 2024 is the year of women in sports.
Naysayah please.
If you have two Corrib Pubs, you have no Corrib Pubs.
Weep, Bert Breer.
Drew Carter’s Radio Voice affectation is at a 9. We need him at a 2.
A hardy bunch, those L Street Brownies.
Jermaine Wiggins and Fred Smoot are wondering why they weren’t invited on the Lolita Express.
The Pot Tart mascot was edible!
If you have six fewer TGIFridays, you have six fewer TGIFridays.
Gene Steratore thought the refs did a great job.
Welcome aboard, Mr. Vinny Jace.
Remembering those with local ties we lost in 2023: Tim Wakefield, Chris Snow, Russ Francis, Bill Campbell, Lee Tinsley, Billy Evans, Chris Ford, Tim McCarver, Don Blackburn, Roman Mejias, Jim O’Connor, Heather Walker, Rick Hoyt, Bill McGovern, Bob Bolin, Ryan Mallett, Mario Guerrero, Eddie Bressoud, Gilles Gilbert, Ed Sandford, Dick Drago, Judy Slamin, Tom Larson, Mo Maloney and Eric Montross.
Best bet for the weekend: South Dakota State Jackrabbits repeat as FCS Champs.
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Merry New Year!
And happy birthday to actress and fitness enthusiast Victoria Principal.
Red Sox outfielder Alex Verdugo felt snubbed after not being selected to the American League All-Star team.
Your New England Free Jacks won the Major League Rugby Championship.
The first thing they teach you in rehab is to attempt to reverse any accountability you’ve taken. Well played, Huggins.
“Rusty Sullivan” sounds like something DJ Bean pays for in the bathroom of a Southie bar.
Dan Orlovsky is the worst person UConn Athletics has foisted onto society including Tate George being in the clink and Johnny McEntee spearheading January 6.
Very few can make a fire boom bap beat with no samples.
“Bob Huggins” is the name DJ Bean uses when he gives out Rusty Sullivans.
Jeff Passan is really odd-looking. He’s like a ventriloquist’s dummy from the 1950’s.
We officially have a surplus of pitchbots.
It’s possible to take the dick and not tweet about it.
It’s almost as if Dug Kyed was lying when he said he had a bunch of job offers and loved being at A to Z Sports.
If you like athletic blondes with ponytails then that Norway – New Zealand Women’s World Cup game was for you. Hope you caught it live.
People are ready to blow their fucking brains out when Belichick brings Patricia and Judge back but cream their shorts when the same lazy media blowhards take turns hiring each other at their fake publications.
The sheer magnitude of the landscape bewildering to the league is beyond the pale of comprehensive.
It’s apparently very hard for players to understand the NFL’s “don’t bet on football games” rule.
Kendra is bussin’.
Bruce Arena said Doris Burke isn’t very good at her job. He’s done.
Creating a false W-2 is a crime.
If Alex Morgan’s exasperated looks were goals the US would have comfortably been atop Group E.
Bluesky is still in beta.
Jayson Tatum lets Deuce go out in the direct sunlight? I figured he was like the children in that Nicole Kidman haunted house movie.
Had no idea Paxton had a knuckle curve.
A summer party without a cake…is like a rainy day.
The Sox stumbling out of the gate post trade deadline after winning just enough to cancel the fire sale was the most predictable result ever.
Lipless coffee pots! Million-dollar idea.
Crows are the only birds that attack eagles then eagles fly high and the crows fall off and die.
If you put native corn on the grill that is a complete waste.
Megan Rapinoe was voted ‘Most Likely to become one of Immortan Joe’s Imperators’ by the Aussie locals.
Every NBA player have a fucking podcast.
How are we supposed to know you are trying to get to Fenway Park for work if you don’t mention that’s where you’re going.
Penn Entertainment got the reach and cachet of ESPN, Portnoy got to keep all the great big fat persons, the overage interchangeable frat bros, and Jerry Thornton. What a win! #GoPresGo
Dugie thinks being lazy makes him more authentically Mexican.
Alexi Lalas is why they hate us.
I was growing concerned Trev Story was going to barricade himself in the Table Talk Pies building rather than report to Fenway.
The Governor of Hawaii is named Josh Green. Any state can have a ‘Josh Green’. Hawaii should have a guy named like, ‘Governor Haunapukamana’lei’lei.’
Tom Brady becomes part owner of Birmingham City FC. Related, Boston Globe reporter Bob Hohler is on a plane en route to Birmingham Airport.
You’re supposed to recycle the cardboard box the trash bags are packaged in you vapid bint.
Wander Franco is going to be so vindicated when it’s revealed the gal had a Dominican birth certificate and she’s actually six months older than he is.
A cat is only itself, representative of the strong forces of life that won’t let go.
All the worst people were emotionally invested in the Ravens meaningless ‘streak’.
Bucko Kilroy has a grandson named Gavin.
Our President is older than the American League MVP in 1968, or the NL MVP from 1970.
There are no cool people that take ketamine.
‘Has the persona of an Anti-Zionist Muhammad Ali’ was on all of Len Bias’s scouting reports.
Pascoag has a microbrewery.
If you have no backup quarterbacks, you really don’t have any backup quarterbacks.
Morey Hershgordon isn’t real and he cannot hurt you.
Publix says it will no longer make hurricane themed cakes due to sensitivity concerns.
Houck unraveled quickly.
The Galactic Empire apparently had a dress code Moff that forbade women to wear tight pants.
Mac knows he has to be better.
The Dodgers fix dudes left and right with grips while the Sox can’t even manage a bullpen correctly.
Bill Lee is too old for baseball. He should run for the Senate.
I hate the ‘Coach Prime’ nickname more than the ‘Shady’, ‘Hollywood’, and ‘Wink’ ones put together.
Terry Pegula and Jerry Jones seem nice.
There’s nothing like riding an electric bicycle to a game of pickleball.
Jeff Passan should make a baseball bat and a ventriloquist dummy using the tree branch that fell on him.
Thankfully Tom Caron pronounced “Negro Leagues Museum” flawlessly.
Now that Gil Brandt’s dead, just imagine all the players we’ll learn he called Upton Bell about.
It must have been a short discussion about the IR between JuJu and the team.
WWE wrestler Test died in 2009? Cross him off, then.
You don’t need and most likely cannot handle a Belgian Malinois. don’t do it.
‘Sale and Paxton need eight days of inaction’ could be the Hub’s ‘Spahn and Sain and pray for rain’ of the 21st century.
The Red Sox decided to play G-d and made Chaim Bloom their Moses: You can lead us through the desert, but you won’t be the one to take us to the Promised Land.
Bob Lobel’s legs look like they should be hanging in a Chinese meat shop.
Lauren Boebert is no Alanis Morissette.
The Bruins Centennial Jersey needed more stripes on the sleeves.
Zo doesn’t like the play calls on third down. He doesn’t have a better play in mind, he just thinks they should always pick up the first.
This pizza thing is going to be huge. give it time.
Artie T is the biggest needle mover in the world of banana boxes.
Tony Massarotti has more suspensions than Marchand in the past year, but yeah, he shouldn’t have been named captain.
Mike Lombardi is the Vince Lombardi of spam tweets.
We’re in New England. Stop saying y’all.
Curt Schilling is like Pete Rose, in that every time you feel like you’re ready to start defending him again, he goes back to his looney room and comes out with another treasure.
The people who mocked Belichick as being a “genius” for 20 years are also the same people who think he should be able to completely rebuild the team in four. In other words, fucking idiots.
Fall Out Boy covering Billy Joel is why they hate us.
Artificial Intelligence program’s inability to correctly render human hands must give Larry Johnson some small comfort.
All weed is gay now.
Everyone knows your crazy conspiracy theory being true is an absolute defense to witness intimidation.
Four-cylinder Honda’s are going to get very pricey again.
Boston Sports Journal is like a graveyard for once-overpaid scribes who don’t know they’re dead yet.
Abby has multiple jobs. Dickerson has no job.
Jon Smoltz called Game Seven a “must win” for the Astros. Okay.
That stupid Mike McDaniel watch story couldn’t be more tailored to impress the credulous NFL media had it been created in a lab.
Yarmouth Massachusetts is a noted hot spot for comedy in October.
The Sara Civian fan club is strong and we stan.
Being a fired NFL head coach is the best job in the world. Josh McDaniels? He lasted longer in Vegas than than Greg Bedard and he’s still getting paid.
We play hard around here.
During the 1980’s Bert Breer had a General Motors Starter jacket.
Add ‘plastered’ to the football lingo.
You know you’ve crushed branding your podcast network when you need to include a parenthetical on how to pronounce it.
Fox has Stink and Pink on the same NFL broadcast crew.
Megan Rapinoe is committed to Achilles tendon injury equity.
Will Smith’s career has been going great since he faked that Chris Rock slap.
Charissa Thompson isn’t the first to spill too much personal information in an effort to impress Big Cat.
WEEI seems at peace with never coming close to respectable ratings.
Bench guys need to bring the psycho energy.
Jack Edwards speaks like he’s hitting the middle button on predictive text.
I’m hearing the Red Sox are in on everyone.
It took a 7’3″ blindingly white guy for Jaylen to finally be able to see an open teammate.
We live for the fray.
“Fat Lunatic Tells Mayor to ‘Go Back to China’” probably would have made the news.
Sports Illustrated probably should have known Olivia0917693516 didn’t actually write those articles.
Nothing says “moving on to the 21st century” quite like getting fired by NFL Network and then writing for Bedard’s shitty website.
Something that never existed cannot recur.
Cris Collinsworth owns PFF and every time he appears on national television, he devalues his investment.
The Steve McNair murder ottoman claimed another one.
If Shohei Ohtani had a sense of humor, he would have made his surprise announcement on December 7th.
Max Strus looks like he sells MDMA.
If you combine this IST championship with the Lakers bubble championship, that’s almost like one whole championship.
Dan Orlovsky is the NFL’s Myrna Carter of advice giving.
We all fit the profile.
Hardy goes from being the third guy on the midday to being the solo host next time Toucher has a relapse of (cough) “throat issues”.
Everybody has a price. Cerrone Battle’s is just really low.
Dart Adams’ nephew is 6’6″.
I never realized how many loser fans Ted Johnson has.
CeeDee Lamb is a Top 1000 NFL WR.
Wacky Mahomes and Kelce commercials just hit different when they suck.
Chris Sale was somebody’s favorite player.
Thanks to all our regular readers, our irregular readers, and the bots. See you in 2024.
‘Blunt force trauma to the chest can’t induce a heart attack’ was the new “fire can’t melt steel.”
That Cohasset fella should’ve Google searched “how not to kill and dismember anyone including my sweet wife.”
Wickersham was ready to crown McVay the greatest ever.
It’ll never not be funny that a group of nominal adults with journalism degrees came up with “Media Good Guy” as a name for an award.
Massachusetts has 16 municipalities that end in -ham, and 4 that end in -mouth.
Twitter made the world better by giving people a forum to proudly advertise that they think you can win a game 1.49 times.
Jac Collinsworth wears more eye makeup than Derek Carr and Peter Schrager combined.
It’s expensive to have baseball players.
Eddie Andelman calls that Oriental film that was nominated for Best Picture, ‘Everything All Over the Place.’
The Clover Cabal runs The Association.
If a “Rules Analyst’ is a key component of your sport’s broadcast team and people still don’t understand what the rules are, guess what? Your sport sucks.
A Northeastern/Harvard Beanpot Final can and did happen.
Adam Jones had an opportunity to reinvent himself as something more than cut-rate Felger impressionist and decided against doing so.
The Daisy Sour Cream song has no business going that hard.
The Panthers did what so many others had tried: They hired Jim Caldwell as a senior assistant.
All Tony Mazz did was say that two black people looked like car thieves based solely on immutable physical characteristics after making sure they couldn’t hear him say that.
If you don’t know then why ask?
The Chicago Bulls shut down Lonzo Ball for a second consecutive season Tuesday as the point guard continued to struggle with discomfort and pain in his left knee.
Reporter Jonny Miller stays in the exact same motel room every Spring Training.
Edmonton fans are awfully yappy for a city that doesn’t have an airport.
There’s nothing more pleasant than the smell of eggs, meat and cheese on a crowded train. It’s very Boston.
If Las Vegas was like 75 percent more walkable it would be close to perfect.
NESN’s spring training camera had a dead pixel.
Three losses in a row can never just be three losses; they have to be due to an overarching systemic malaise that will doom the team if it happens come playoff time.
Charlie Baker wouldn’t let Merrimack play in the Tourney.
Andy Wong just likes having his picture taken.
NY Football Giants Daniel Jones with a guaranteed 820,000,000 dimes! Crazy!
UConn was poised for a March Madness run.
Nicaragua had a tough World Baseball Classic. Lordy!
Purdue Men’s Basketball should try and get some of those notoriously permissive Big Ten refs to work the Tournament one of these years.
You’re not a real sports fan unless you enjoy Division 3 women’s basketball.
There’s a Harvard Extension Medical School now, apparently?
It’s definitely organic that every person who has ever commented on Kara Lawson uses the exact same superlative to describe her basketball mind.
Boston as a sneaker mecca is a tough sell for folks who don’t know. It was wild to live in a place where Adidas, Nike & Reebok were all at war with each other at one point in time, but you’d enter Jamaica Plain via the Orange Line and suddenly everyone’s rocking Fila there?
Chris Curtis doubtless spent his week’s suspension in quiet contemplation of his many mistakes.
What a delightful trollop that Paige Spirinac is.
Always make sure you know who the stepparents are, Harvard Women’s Hockey Coach Lady.
Alex Verdugo was the first Red Sox player to lead off the first inning of the team’s first game with a triple since Rabbit Warstler in 1931.
Eggs, black coffee, sunshine. All we need.
Asante Samuel loves getting reminders of the worst moment of his career every few months.
There’s a 1 in 555 chance to catch a foul ball.
Kim Mulkey goes through a carton of Misty’s a day.
Once the Boston media united behind the “Brogdon never starts games, which means he’s better” narrative, it was over. The Boston Sports Media machine is too powerful, too disciplined. Always has been.
Kutter Crawford is the new Rac Slider.
Quinnipiac winning the Frozen Four makes that part of Connecticut New England again.
Pete Blackburn gets his clothes at Build-A-Bear.
It took only 12 games into the season for a Red Sox pitcher to openly weep on the mound.
I bet money on a Revs game. I won, sure, but still.
NYC’s population of single ladies was queueing up to be squired about town by confirmed bachelor Aaron Rodgers.
Sox in 2 had to pad things out for that one game!
Looking for a cat friendly place to host your next event? Elks Lodge #720 in Nashua is our top choice.
Trae Young looks like a doll they found in the rubble after a tornado.
The nice thing about the Bruins series loss is you find out who all the better sports fans than you are.
Baseball is occasionally boring.
Sic transit gloria mundi, Matignon hockey.
Area sports fans refuse to induct coach with a .500 winning percentage into team hall of fame, local media members hardest hit.
Lukey Russert wrote a book. Supply your own punchline.
Every guy at watching the Heat play at Miami’s American Airlines Arena looks like Andrew Cunanan.
Sanna Marin is officially a free agent.
Nikola Jokić. Good fundamentals. Gritty. Plays the game the right way.
The billboard? Great idea. No possible downside.
Chris Paul has won everywhere he’s been except Phoenix and Oklahoma City and Houston and Los Angeles and New Orleans and Wake Forest.
It’s amazing that Dan Lifshatz is able to have all this action when he’s been shut off by every book.
A great gesture by Jeff Howe to raise money to help people who actually do have cancer.
All that ridiculous free throw disparity and the NBA still couldn’t drag Los Angeles into the Finals.
You know someone’s made a poor vocational choice when they thank Evan Lazar and Alex Barth on their way out.
Maybe the real Eastern Conference Championship is the friends we made along the way.
Guidance counselors funnel people with psychotic levels of self-confidence but no aptitude for law, medicine, or engineering into sports writing.
The Las Vegas Golden Knights matriculated their way to winning a Stanley Cup for Coach Cassidy because we can’t have nice things.
Floramo’s moved to Wakefield and Malden.
Every single time you saw Kenley Jansen, either on TV or around the ballpark, he’s mentoring some young pitcher on the staff.
NASCAR used to be guys named Matt and Jimmie. And now its guys named Ryan and Ross.
When you want a deep, thoughtful reflection on the perils of doing business with an autocratic government who funds terrorism, I go to the guy who plays golf for a living and fucks Wayne Gretzky’s daughter.
Instead of saying “a non-Power Five coach told me” Russillo should say “Trent Dilfer told me.”
Nothing has been the same after the USGA turtled post Shinnecock.
Bob Huggins needed to get home.
UFC expertly blends violence with homoeroticism so it naturally plays well in America right now.
The secret is the Merritt Parkway instead of 95.
Never trust a guy with Air Monarchs. It’s right up there with don’t play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city.
Table Boston has the best Rosemary Scapicchio in town.
There’s a time to compliment someone on their Throw Power rating in Madden, but it’s not in the immediate aftermath of their tragic untimely death.
Keith says it hard caps at the 2nd apron. There was no second apron before.
January – Gabby Starr of the Boston Herald is a Woman in Sports
The Boston Herald hired Gabrielle Starr as a Red Sox reporter, over our strong objections, and dispatched her on her first assignment to cover the Red Sox Winter Weekend in Springfield. Hilarity ensued:
What? You might ask, why not drive the five minutes to your hotel, and write your story ahead of the deadline, you know, for your job in a warm room using the hotel’s wifi? Because you won’t get any Margaret Bourke-White stolen valor doing that.
Adam Jones Moves from 98.5 to WEEI Afternoon Drive Time Cohost
Jones was reunited with Christian Arcand on the new show, which also boasted Meghan Ottolini as a cohost. Jones’s addition was part of a recent deck chair rearraigning at WEEI, which included saying aloha to afternoon host Lou Merloni, moving Christian Fauria from afternoon drive to middays, and banishing Rich Keefe from middays to evenings.
Oddly, in a head-to-head matchup the listeners preferred the actual Michael Felger to the Great Value version of him, leading to ratings low enough to implode a poorly constructed submersible with the loss of all hands. Figuratively.
February –Evil Tony Did a Racism
Tomy Masserotti thinks all Black people steal cars!
This admission against interest led to a short suspension for Mazz, and sensitivity training for the entire Beasley Boston group.
However, the promotion of Cerrone ‘Dark Bertrand’ Battle who previously was involved in sports podcasts and Celtics playoff postgame shows to nighttime and weekend programming contributor in June was purely coincidental.
Midcoast Maine Needs Starlink
Ostensible Boston Globe media columnist Chad ’98 point’ Finn would have liked to have covered the Racist Mazz story, he really would, but Midcoast Maine, where he was, had no internet. Sad. Fix it, Elno!
March – Chris Curtis Nip-Gate
‘Nip’ is both New England regional slang for 50 ml miniature liquor bottles, and a historic racial slur for those from Japan (Nippon) in particular and can be extended to include all Asians in general. Keep that in mind when Chris Curtis lists ‘Mina Kimes’ as one of his top Nips:
Curtis would later claim he meant to say Mila Kunis and not Mina Kimes. Right. This led to a week-long suspension for Curtis. All fix!
Just look at him. He said what he meant to say.
The League isn’t about Mike Giardi anymore
6 weeks ago, I was covering the Super Bowl for @nflnetwork. This week, I was informed that I'm being bought out as part of the long rumored budget cuts. I gave them my very best. I'll give the same going forward. Greatly appreciate those who believed in me. On to the next.
Giardi would later be picked up by Greg Bedard’s CLNS-underwritten vanity website BSJ in July.
May – Fred Toucher Misses Time at Work Due to Throat Issues, Quickie Little Stint in Detox.
Having lost his voice earlier that month due to ‘throat issues’, Toucher checked himself into the facility on Sunday for a 72-hour treatment. With Sunday and the holiday Monday not counting toward those hours, was released from the facility on Thursday morning, allowing him to return to work on Friday.
Going Great!
Shukri Wrights Place Wright Time
2023 was the year of Shukri Wrights. And Shukri Wright. And Shukri White. All Shukris everywhere really. And Shukri Wright(s) really was everywhere. The podcaster, early-30s college radio host, TikTok video maker, and Bleaver – finally got his big break, calling women’s college hockey on ESPN+ (they got his name correct in time for his last game). Then, in late spring, Shukri finally got his big break and booked several national radio call-ins that some people almost listened to on SportsMap Radio. The record-setting Bruins may have flamed out, but Shukri didn’t, finally getting his big break as the inaugural editor and beat reporter for the Boston Bruins page on The Hockey News. Shukri provided his unique coverage during the Bruins busy period after the free agent signing period but before training camp began, but got his big break covering the retirement of Bruins legend Patrice Bergeron. In true Shukri form, he didn’t write an article for his new media outlet, instead crossposting a TikTok video reaching dozens of younger fans via algorithm. His time at THN was short-lived though, as the New York native and lifelong-Beantownian left Boston before the season started for his hometown of Philadelphia in the Commonweath of Pennsylvania, It was there in the City of Brotherly Love that Shukri finally got his big break, becoming a contributor to Fox Sports PHL Gambler. In his spare time, Shukri likes to check out many great restaurant.
June – All Hat Nick Cattles Plumb Ain’t Rustled Up No Local Radio Job
Journeyman Nick Cattles, late of stints with 98.5, WEEI, and ESPN Radio departed his radio gig in the Golden State’s Capitol City, at the 50,000-Watt blowtorch Sactown Sports 1140 AM in order to spend more time with his family on the East Coast. Really. Nick had been there since 2021, also wearing the program director hat for a time.
Cattles could not have chosen a worse time, as it happened soon after another round of layoffs in sports media, particularly effecting ESPN and The Athletic. However, he still has his family and his podcast.
November – Toucher & Rich Done For Good
Sports Hub stalwarts since Day 1 back in 2009, Fred ‘Toucher’ Toettcher and Richard ‘Rich’ Shertenlieb’s slow-motion conscious uncoupling became official late in November with the announcement that Fred signed a contract extension, while Rich chose not to do the same. One Rob ‘Hardy’ Poole will replace Rich in 2024.
Thanks go out to the entire Local Collaborative, and especially to Officer Santos, Rex Dart, andthe unaffiliated (Sideshow Bob groan) ‘Cully’ for their contributions to this post.
It’s never bad to beat the Broncos in Denver. Way to bounce back, Ryland.
Nice west coast road trip, Green Team.
It’d be a pleasant way to end that losing skid with a W against a Buffalo squad, Bruins.
I thought Tatum would have a nicer house, tbh.
Wonder if Red Sox told Yamamoto their ballpark is most beloved.
Jack Edwards is doing totally fine. Stop asking about him.
Congratulations to ‘Hardy’ for finally making above minimum wage after 25 years in radio.
Fun fact: The wild turkey was designated the state game bird of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts thirty-two years ago today.
Turtleboy goes before A Judge more than Gleyber Torres.
Cakes are cooking for John Amos, Mike Pinder, Terry Bozzio, Andre Tippett, Bill Self, Jim Leyritz, Bill Goldberg, Jean-Christophe Boullion, James Stewart, Carson Palmer, Emilie de Ravin, Paul Stastny, Hayley Williams, Rick Porcello, and Timothée Chalamet.
Started spur-of-the-moment (and way overdue) re-watch of one of HBO’s best, “Six Feet Under”. On 2nd viewing, you pick up on so much shit you missed the first time (& spot future stars). Such a unique premise with fantastic writing/acting, as well as perhaps the best finale ever. My only complaint: the show needed more Percocet.
The New Year is really right around the corner. I’m very excited.
Teams fuck themselves up attacking Hauser like he’s some traffic cone and turns out he isn’t. It’s like when the Celtics mismatch hunt and then struggle scoring because they aren’t playing within their offense.
Hi Upton, I just wondered if you had a personal anecdote about any famous event that happened in America in the 20th century?
Just thought of a random dark Curb Your Enthusiasm-esk bit … Larry wins a fantasy football league where one of his friends died during the season, tries to collect from the widow.
Red Line Update: This delay has cleared.
Hey gang of deceptively athletic types, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Do I have to draw you a picture? Fine. Hand me the peach crayon.”
I didn’t need my bank wishing me a Merry Christmas via email. I need them to just be quiet and hold onto my money.
Emile Coué + Oswald Bates = FCHWPO
I had a pair of the K-Mart fake Adidas with the five stripes when I was little. I would like to be in the documentary.
Holiday traffic really kills the holiday spirit.
There’s a coinflip’s chance Robert does something stupid because he’s miffed no one ever called him a genius or The GOAT.
Random thought/question: Anyone remember Pizzarias chips from Keebler? Those things were so good. They should bring them back!
Why do we never get an answer when we’re knocking at the door? Because the truth, it’s hard to swallow, that’s what the war of love is for
It’s not the way that you say it, When you do those things to me. It’s more the way that you mean it, When you tell me what will be.
And when you stop and think about it, You won’t believe it’s true. That all the love you’ve been giving, Has all been meant for you.
I’m looking for someone to change my life. I’m looking for a miracle in my life. And if you could see what it’s done to me To lose the the love I knew could safely lead me through.
Add Paxton, and Giolito, and a few more pieces, and we’ll be all ready for 2024!
“My sister was molested and all I got was this lousy excuse to drink” is a tee shirt you can find at Hampton Beach.
To the good, Aidan has a hairstyle that can be trimmed competently using only electric clippers.
Did the Lakers get that stupid IST champion banner from a company in Indianapolis?
You see, because..
The NFL let the Chiefs play too many games over the last five seasons on purpose to make them tired!
Wander Franco is now Evade Franco. Sad.
Honk if you remember when almost everything you wanted but didn’t get for Christmas was on sale now at Sears!
Hearing whispers everyone employed by that CONSONANTS vanity site have applied for the vacancy at 98.5.
Nemesis follows hubris, chudmuffins.
Go out and get that Washington Football Team a pair of wins, embedded Patriot Jacoby Brissett!
The comparison between Mike Trout and Mookie Betts is in several ways a replay of the competition between Mantle and Mays. Mantle won in the short run; Mays won in the long run–and it kind of looks like this one is going to go the same way.
Why is Servpro the sponsor of the First Responder Bowl?
Celibate Midget benched, Old Friend Stihdsy to get the first team reps the final two games for the Broncos.
Have a safe, happy, and at worst, mildly tipsy New Year’s Eve.
Best bet for the weekend: an entertaining Orange Bowl.
Nice shirt, stupid.
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. What are words for, when no one listens anymore?
And a happy birthday to actress & model Eva LaRue. Wonder if she had a nickname?
