The 15

I’m surprised Shohei Ohtani wasn’t aware that Asians love gambling.

The Celtics would have won by more if either or both of the Antetokounmpo brothers played last night.

Pastrnak has 19 career hat tricks? What a Good Kid he turned out to be.

You can tell by how the guy dribbles before taking the shot if random college basketball player X will drain the free throw.

Why wouldn’t a guy with a history of beard girlfriends also believe in ‘crisis actors?’

Put the Swifties in charge of finding out the truth about Kate Middleton. They’ll have the entire thing sorted and a song written about William inheriting the lying-n-cheating gene from his father before the Eras Tour streams.

What kind of maniac puts peanut M&Ms in cookies?

Aloha means ‘goodbye’. Aloha, Trent Brown.

Cakes are cooking for Tom Flores, Timothy Dalton, Gary Oldman, Lynn Mabry, Slim Jim Phantom, Matthew Broderick, Al Iafrate, Kenny Bräck, Large Professor, Vitaly Potapenko, Marit Bjørgen, Ronaldinho, Franck Perera, and Adrian Peterson.

Love the info. Did a freshman year speech class…speech on that stuff. Very complex. (may have worn IRA sweatshirt as kid)

Red Line Update: Delays of about 25 minutes due to an earlier disabled train at Alewife.

Turtleboy out there saying you shouldn’t harass strangers on the internet because it’s a miserable way to go through life. Okay.

Mike Williams is signing a one-year deal worth up to $15 million with the Jets, per source.

Sweet potatoes are so yummy.

Former Red Sox catcher Oscar Hernandez signed with the Staten Island Ferry Hawks of the Atlantic League today.

A lot of LLCs file in Delaware because of their corporate laws.

That new Husky dog mascot UConn has looks psychotic. Maybe the pup needs to grow into his face a bit.

311 makes Sublime looks like N.W.A.

Hey gang of good listeners! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “He could give aspirin a headache.”

I was the first person in my school (and possibly a much wider geographical area) who had Pogs. My cousin from Hawaii brought them on a visit like a year before they hit the States in full.

The Big East is 0-3 in the NIT after day one.

Since the MLB season stated last night, should I assume that the President was there to throw out the first pitch?

Fun Fact: Kirk Herbstreit’s dog hates him.

Please make a note that the Toucher & Hardy ‘March Flatness’ bit about small-breasted celebrities has been stealth-edited into ‘March Plainness’. Evidently multiple of the contestants are breast cancer survivors. I’m sure 98 point Finn is halfway thru his expose.

Did you know Pat Spencer played lacrosse?

I do enjoy a Fanta Orange on a hot summer day occasionally.

We’re coming up to Greg Hill’s seasonal best ratings period, the ‘My car radio was tuned to WEEI because I was listening to the Red Sox game the night before.’

Tapas, yum.

Read, Karen-ST, S 5’5″, 130 – limited athletically due to stiff hips which hinder her backpedal and driving ability. Wood Hauler’s ass not conducive to defensive backfield play. Big hitter who will kill you if she catches you in open road but tackling ability isn’t strong enough for in the box play. Too slow in coverage to have impact at next level.

Could we have kippers for breakfast?
Mummy dear, Mummy dear?
They got to have ’em in Texas,
‘Cos everyone’s a millionaire.

I’m a winner, I’m a sinner;
Do you want my autograph?
I’m a loser, what a joker,
I’m playing my jokes upon you,
While there’s nothin’ better to do…
Hey!

My cousin and her boyfriend just went to Brazil. He shows up to Sunday dinner, plunks down on the couch next to me and asks if I wanna look at his vacay pics. I point to the tv and said “no.” It’s Selection Sunday. Please. What’s with these people?

Vermont 4 Lexington 3. It’s a Cupset!

Bill Simmons reportedly producing Boston Celtics docuseries for Max.

Aaron Rodgers quitting the Jets to run for VP for the crackpot independent candidate married to Cheryl Hines is by far the best way to conclude CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM, kudos to Larry David for drawing this up.

Honk if you remember Hason Graham.

My two favorite Red Sox pitchers working in split squad games, both on TV. Bello is such a pleasure to watch pitch; always has been, from his first major league start. Tanner Houck is the guy I most root for, although sometimes it’s like rooting for a turtle to cross the road.

Why was Dart Adams excluded from the We Are the World documentary?

College basketball superfans are so weird. You’ve got 100 TV’s; one can be spared for golf and the group of people actually tipping their bartenders.

Real ones know to get the Kielbasa Reuben at Richard’s Grinders in West Springfield.

A five run first inning? Not the worst thing to ever happen to a Yamamoto.

We see it every year: a March Sadness competitor upping their game after they lose their matchup.

I heard Zach Edey just had another growth spurt and he’s 7’10” now.

Curt can’t make it for the Opening Day Ceremony, he’s getting his Luftwaffe uniforms let out that day.

Best bet for the weekend: Brackets. Ruined.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. One Two Three Five!!