The 15

_{From February 16th, 2019. Article originally written by @MRAGS316, with contributions from @SalPetrino}

For those of you not familiar with Dan, he is an angry debt collector/glorified secretary for the Felcher and Mazz show on 98.5 The Sports Hub. His duties mostly include answering the phone, finding the warmest napkins for the Felgy, and washing Big Gym’s sick beamer in exchange for where to find best restaurants for protein on the north shore.

Dan also moonlights a wanna be Twitter sports betting sharp, dishing out the hottest daily pickzz you can find. Amazingly, he was able to spin this into his own podcast on the Sports Hub along side Joe Murphy called The Bankrupt Boys. Zoinks!! [Side note: If you’re getting your sports betting tips from the guy who answers the phone for the sports radio show, it’s time to reassess.]

Recently it has come to the attention of #The15 that Dan, on multiple occasions, has claimed he played tennis while in college at the University of Hartford. Noted #The15 adjacent Polar Bear lover @SalPetrino provided the receipts.

Wow! That’s pretty impressive. Playing any sport at major American University is a big deal. Just for fun we decided to see if we could locate any of Dan’s stats since he emphatically declared he played tennis in college. According to his LinkedIn profile, Dan attended the University of Hartford from 2010-2013 and luckily the UofH sports website had the rosters of the men’s tennis team going back many years. Surely, we would find some info of Dan’s career as a D1 tennis player. Here are the rosters of the teams the years Dan was enrolled:

Hmm… weird. No sign of Dan on any of the teams. In fact there was no trace of a Dan Lifshatz anywhere on the University sports websites. The only connection between Lifshatz and the University’s men’s tennis team was an article he wrote after a tough loss for the Hawks in The Informer, the school newspaper.

Maybe Dan just thinks covering the team is the same as playing for team or he just completely made it up. Either way I look forward to hearing the explanation.

[Editor’s note: We still await clarification from Dan on this apparent mix up. If we got the story wrong, please put us in our place.]

(Inspired by @BigSpiderBack )

Just give him the Walter Payton NFL Man of the Year Award now.

The real robbery in the Selke was the fact that Brad Marchand wasnt even nominated.

Saint Peter only had to deny knowing Jesus three times, Doug.

No Spida?

Sometimes, the Red Sox win when they score last.

Jim Nantz can’t believe he didn’t get a Father’s Day line after that Rahm finish.

No Nets, Lakers or Sixers. Best case scenario after a Celtics first round exit.

I guess @FanSided is cool with plagiarism?

Udoka? Maybe.

Cakes are cooking for Colin Montgomerie, Barbara Jordan, Mike Bartrum, Selma Blair, and Zinedine Zidane.

I don’t believe in omens, but stomp on Lucky at your own peril, Kyrie Irving!

“Regina” is Latin for Queen. Live your best life, Regina!

First Smaven, now the Smonitor.

A turkey hen visiting the bird feeder? Technically allowable.

Chris Paul’s leadership wins again.

Now we can’t mouth racial slurs as a lip-synching teenager without having to issue an apology? Says who? Those Belgian drits, probably.

Blehhhh! Prime Day! Blehhhh!!

This is real. No one tries harder than Trey Hendrickson in practice. He goes 100% in non-padded practices when no one blocks. Doesn’t matter.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “Are you okay?”

my sex and dating life would be so much more exciting if I was actually dating all the hot people that some people seem to think I am dating? I’m glad people think I have that much game, though!

Being on the field for a walk off home run is deff one of the most exhilarating experiences 10/10 would recommend.

It’s Girardi not Girardi, idiots.

Using Talkbox/Electro Harmonix & Vocoder effect on songs of the 80’s ≠ AutoTune usage in songs after Cher’s “Believe” in 1998 through the early 00’s in urban music.

Autocrat syrup!

Parker Posey was great in WANDER, FRANCO (1994)

Remember to proofread, tweeting out ‘Your (sic) a fucking pig!’ fatally undermines whatever point you tried to make.

Maybe the Red Hat should have charged 11¢ per chicken wing? Just sayin’,

In 2021 they’d never be able to keep Randall Gay’s #21 in stock at the Patriots Pro Shop.

Honk if you remember the Maine Lumberjacks.

Doug probably wasn’t going to get appointed Minister of the Exchequer in the false pretender Spike Kingdom.

You can always find me down at Smokey Joe’s. That’s where all the hip and groovy people go.

Rich Hill is the new Jamie Moyer.

Carling Black Label. Used to be brewed with the clean Ice Cold waters of Lake Cochituate. Simpler Fucking times, Danny.

Who needs Benadryl when you’ve got 5 lbs of Xanax?

Good thing this Carl Nassib news hit and kept Steve Buckley from writing about the time Boog Powell guested on an episode of The Courtship of Eddies Father.

Dating show idea: Sox-y Beasts.

Las Vegas is an adult summer camp. That seems so true. Especially if you like to get wild.

“You’re sticking with that motherf—er?” Do you kiss your kids a second too long with that mouth, Tom?

To be fair, sometimes you can’t detect any tuna DNA after the proteins are damaged by cooking. Or after having been blasted with sweet onion sauce.

Not all who Wander are Franco.

Mattapan Trolley Update: Regularly scheduled service has resumed.

‘Eat shit, Doug.’ Well said, counselor.

New rule: Easter Island Mo’ai statues don’t get a vote for the Selke Award.

Best bet for the weekend: Suns in four guy embarks on his 2nd fifteen minutes of fame.

material from interviews, wire services, Facebook, Substack, Subway, other writers, league and team sources, BSMW, and #the15, were used in this column. Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.

Did we win last night? No? Ugh, I can’t believe they lost! This is because you didn’t will them to victory in Game Five!

That was some stretch of cabbage in the hat weather we had there.

Bob Kraft’s lawyers should have petitioned the court to have the Bentley birthday present video destroyed, too.

Anyone but the Islanders. And Montreal, naturally. And not Tampa either because fuck them. And I’m not rooting for a team based in Denver so the Avalanche are right out. And Las Vegas has to wait their damn turn. So…

Out: Spider Tack. In: Spida attack.

N’Keal Harry will make you not care about Julio playing for the Titans instead, you honks and bobos.

So what are we supposed to do, drape the house in black and gold crepe? Lower the Fan Banner to half mast? Grow up.

Hey Red Sox; stop stinking up the diamond.

Cakes are cooking for Kim Deal, Kelley Deal, Brent Sutter, Bill Burr, Pokey Reese, and Tara Lipinski.

And also for Gina Gershon, Jeanne Tripplehorn, Elizbeth Hurley, and Leelee Sobieski.

Boar’s Head Deli Dressing makes a great marinade. #ad

The host chair over at the @EntitledTown podcast is beginning to resemble Spinal Tap drummers.

So that junkie horse skipped the Belmont?

With injuries limiting him to only 278 at bats on the season, old Al Kaline finished the 1972 season with 16 hits in his last 28 at bats, raising his season’s average 30 points in his last 7 games.

Coah K retired. Well, bye!

Well I for one am rightly chuffed by that outrage at the footie match in Denver!

College softball? C’mon.

News Item: Fields of Watermelons Found on Mars, Police Say.

Apparently Mike has never had Cooper Sharp American Cheese.

No use the portable one for now it works for me.

#tcot

Make boringer lists, Nana Gary.

For now should I have lain still and been quiet, I should have slept: then had I been at rest, With false spike kings and counsellers of the turf, which built desolate places for themselves.

Whatever happened to the LeBron Lakers Dynasty?

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “The bloom is off the rose.”

McKayla Maroney? Y.

Congratulations to Prince* Harry and Meghan Markle on the birth of their second child. 8th in line for the throne.

What fucking skank has no kleenex?

In jail, in jail, without no bail
In jail, we’re in jail because we failed
In jail, in jail, without no bail
In jail, we’re in jail because we failed.

Red Line: Delays of up to 10 minutes due to a signal problem at Alewife. Trains may be asked to stand by at stations.

Jaboukie?

At least the red Sox win a series vs the yankees in new York..beggars can’t be choosers..pillow time.

Honk if you remember multicolor pens.

Boomtower. Back.

A partial solar eclipse? That’s almost as disappointing as only wining two games in a playoff series.

The NFL docked the #49ers the last week of their rookie development program for a violation of offseason work rules, per sources. The infraction took place during rookie minicamp.

Best bet for the weekend: lawn care. Do it.

material from interviews, wire services, Facebook, other writers, league and team sources, and #the15, were used in this column. Better late than never, amirite?

Trader Danny only GM’ed the team to one TITAL because he doesn’t respect YOU, caller.

The Red Sox lost, despite having scored first.

Steve Roenicke could use another shot, Celtics. Just sayin’.

Why didn’t the TDGarden crown will the B’s to a W?

Congratulations to Helio Castroneves for winning the Indianapolis 500 for the 4th time. I guess all the good Brazilian drivers are in motorsports. What?

Draft the kids, Brad!

Well, if you’re gonna throw a water bottle at an athlete, make sure it’s a Patriots player. Absent that, at least don’t do it to a Black player during a year-long nationwide moral racial panic.

Ironically, the fan missed Kyrie because he forgot to correct for the Coriolis Effect.

Puck luck. Amirite?

Cakes are cooking for Doro Pesch, Mike Gordon, Carl Everett, Al Horford, and Lalaine.

Chris Gasper pronounces Roger Taney’s name the way it’s spelled.

Sports media are really showing their true colors with this Naomi Osaka business.

This is 6A ball.

Wagyu Teppanyaki would be in the HOF if they counted his Japanese home runs.

WEEI is denying us a Larry Johnson traced cartoon of Danny with an exploding cigar motif.

Every hotel room should have a Bible in it. The Good Book shouldn’t be lost on anyone. I don’t read it but I should.

Watching the Garden full made my heart dance. A win made it almost give out.

Pierce Brosnan will bring the kids.

Winner of the Veiled Prophet Pageant also gets a job at the Boston Sports Journal.

Ok, that’s enough chicken sandwiches.

Media invents reports Celtics should hire a woman. Celtics don’t. Media kills the Celtics to sell auto glass.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is: “Horse mouthed hussy.”

Buying bagels off QVC?

What’s your guilty pleasure? Mine is room temperature skim milk.

Spida wants smoke.

You keep Bill Belichick’s name out of your mouth, Mike Lynch.

Cruz Azul, motherfuckers.

Know less about Regulation 204 CMR 4.03(1), restaurant owner lady.

Lions HC Dan Campbell on RB Todd Gurley: “We have interest in Todd, we do. And we’re talking with his agent.” He added that if a deal can be agreed to, they’d like it to get done sooner than later.

MSG. An overrated food additive and arena.

You have to figure Bob Ryan would approve of the Celtics bringing in Jason Kidd as coach.

I saw Bob Lobel drinking and hanging out at a restaurant in NH. Seemed friendly and in great spirits. That was 1990 or so.

Hello Rangoon!

Honk if you remember TWIB Notes.

Good work, Boston College Lady Women Lacrosse Eagles defeating the Syracuse Women Lady Oranges. Champs!

To atone for the bottle thrower, the Celtics need to hire Leslie Jones as coach.

Hug your li’l rappers a li’l tighter today.

I sometimes confuse Claudine Longet with Claudine Auger, and vice versa.

I’m not exactly sure what a Marquess is.

Glad to hear that Jon Secada is back after seventeen years.

One name to keep an eye on in the Celtics’ coaching search: Sophie “Swish” Pryce, who coaches the Portland Littlenecks in the WNBA G League.

You just knock that off, Rays.

Lie around all day
Have a drink to chase
“Yourself and tourists, yeah
That’s what I hate”
He said we’re going wrong
We’ve all become the same
We dress the same ways
Only our accents change

So have a nice day

Old gout ankles wants you to know how tough he is.

Why stop at Ainge. Clean house. Go get Juwan Howard and hire him as your coach.

Orange Line Update: Regularly scheduled service has resumed.

This is my motto: You have to keep your friends’ secrets unless there’s any reason not to.

Sunburnt angular features? Pass.

Best bet for the weekend: the old barn on Causeway to be rockin’.

material from interviews, wire services, Facebook, other writers, league and team sources, BSMW, Twitter users who prefer to remain anonymous and #the15, were used in this column.

(h/t @FetzerValves)

Why is the headline yelling when formatted for desktop view? WordPress!

Tooker needs tah stand on his head and steal us a 1-0 game!

Write more Spygate articles.

The Red Sox are now a half game behing the go-go Tampa Bay Rays? Wait, what?

Happy for Lefty.

Chris Gasper is not a real person. He’s a walking aggregation of old school takes.

I can’t believe a Kirk relationship ended in this way.

Stupid no-heart having Celtics missing their second-best player and with a nominal bench can’t keep up on the road against a higher-seeded hand-picked SuperTeam. I HATE them!

Use more hyphens.

Cakes are cooking for Hank Williams Jr, Philip Michael Thomas, Masaharu Morimoto, Helena Bonham Carter, and Rachael Sporn.

Where were you for the Great SZN Twitter Schism of 2021?

Nick Wright is a poor man’s Rob Parker. And both are trying to be Max Kellerman. Just a trifecta of gross.

That lobster HATES that basketball.

What other sports writer girls do you follow?

I have forty unimpeachable anonymous sources that tell me that the only way Don Van Natta, Jr and Seth Wickersham can maintan an erection is to write a hatchet piece about the Patriots.

Orange Line: Delays of up to 15 minutes due to a signal problem at Oak Grove. Trains may be asked to stand by at stations.

No one took a picture like Chi Modu.

Keeping your Energy Star Rating yellow tag on your television is the new leaving your sizing sticker on your flat-brim baseball cap.

That. That is why no one likes you, Kyrie.

Hey babe, this week’s Phrase the Pays is “Tom Brady just dominating the social media game!”

Is it just me, or is every TV commercial terrible?

Baseball needs an unwritten rule about home run laundry cart celebration etiquette when trailing. Obvi.

You could be my silver springs
Blue-green colors flashin’
I would be your only dream
Your shining autumn, ocean crashing
And did you say she was pretty?
And did you say that she loves you?
Baby, I don’t wanna know.

Is Brady skipping Patriots OTAs again?

I’m counting on a thunderstorm to wash all the pollen off my car. Cmon!

Sagamore Beach is the poor man’s Cape Cod.

The #Jets have hired former #Dolphins DC Matt Burke for a game-management role, source says. Burke, who most recently served as #Eagles run game coordinator and DL coach, brings 15 NFL seasons’ experience as a defensive coach but will help on both sides of the ball.

Honk if you remember buying a pair of Keds at Thom McAn.

Have you tried to navigate all the various apps you have to download to attend a major league game this year? They would have saved time by just making a rule that old people are not allowed to attend a game unless accompanied by someone under 40.

Don’t look now, but the CT Sun are off to an undefeated start at the top of the WNBA standings.

It’s worth noting that Arlen Specter, bless his heart, was a demonstrably terrible person.

Like Jack Hynes always said; ‘Follow the money.’

Take a less flattering photo of America’s most beloved ballpark. You can’t!

Best bet for the long weekend: traffic tieups on Route 3.

material from interviews, wire services, Facebook, Substack, other writers, league and team sources, BSMW, @ThatJohnIrons and #the15, were used in this column. Do not point at face. Use only as directed.

The Red Sox, they do a lot better when they score first.

Greg Dickerson only following 56 people on Twitter is legitimately nuts.

Stidhsy has been saying in a loud stage whisper that Tyrod Taylor or Ryan Finley aren’t the short-term solution for the Texans.

Sure, trading Mookie Betts was less than ideal. But John Henry’s biggest personnel sin? Not retaining Heidi Watney. Unforgivable.

Why can’t Tom Wilson bodycheck Evan Lazar?

“I hope you all enjoy life, except that cvnt Abby Chin who took my job.” – Dickerson, most likely.

Vasco has some great unis, storied franchise founded as a rowing club in Rio by Portuguese immigrants.

An Ice Cream truck just went by. Symbol of a bygone time, Danny.

Cakes are cooking for Rick Cerone, John Friesz, Turk Wendell, London Fletcher, and Kevin Garnett.

The old barn is gonna be rocking tonight, eh Brick?

Forget ‘Friends’, what we all want is a “Mustard & Johnson” reunion special.

Hi Kent. Have you been touching yourself?

Detroit’s Spencer Turnbull just no-hit Seattle. Fifth nine-inning no-hitter in MLB this year. The record in the Modern Era is seven in one season. Second time the Mariners have been no-hit this season. It’s May 18, and they are hitting .199 as a team. That is a real statistic.

Buy more fireworks why don’t you?

That La Russa thing reminds me of Grady against the Marlins.

News Item: Pasta is a good kid.

Turtleboy shopping at Marshall’s is terrific.

Matty? He’ll be back. Just you see.

How long was Bert Breer at the Dallas Morning News and however long that was why does he think that made him a honorary member of the Cowboys organization?

Hey golden boy gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “Belichick Binkies.”

Mile 22 on the Maine Turnpike is Cat Mousam Road, en route to Portland.

Please excuse my ignorance but what is a cishet man?

Honk if you remember Reddy Kilowatt.

A lot of people think Connecticut is part of new England.

Who is Rio Gomez?

TV dinners, I’m feelin’ kinda rough
TV dinners, this one’s kinda tough
I like the enchiladas, and the teriyaki too
I even like the chicken, if the sauce is not too blue.
And they’re mine, all mine,
Oh, yeah!

Red Line Braintree Branch Update: Trains are returning to regularly scheduled service.

Demi’s new pronouns aren’t ‘Dese, Dem, and Dose?’

Chuck Grodin. OOTG’s. Rest in Peace.

The #Lions and OT Penei Sewell have agreed to terms on his 4-year, $24.1M fully guaranteed contract. He gets a $14.88M signing bonus.

Surf’s up!

Best bet for the weekend: a straight trouncing of the Red Bulls by the Revolution.

Standard disclaimers apply.

The first summer blockbuster from Plenipotentiary Productions. Cry.