The 15

Did the NFL bring the 2022 Lombardi trophy to Los Angeles in case Buffalo leads at halftime?

I demand Gallinari go get a third opinion!!

The Patriots leaving early for Miami is proof they are desperate, caller.

You can’t buy the kind of good publicity you get by scheduling a secret basketball game to entertain inmates which then leaks to the public, as it would.

Xander Bogaerts. Fakest good season ever (non-Benintendi division).

Imagine being the greatest athlete in the history of professional sports and you still have a cvnt wife.

I don’t call LIV Golf ‘Liv; I call it ’54’. Thanks for visiting Boston, Our Friends The Saudis.

Lucy Burdge is doubtless sad about the news of Queen’s Elizabeth II’s health but will still tell you to bet the over on her making it through the weekend.

Cakes are cooking for Rogie Vachon, Aimee Mann, Greg Minor, P!nk, Alexandre Bilodeau, Arrelious Benn, Bruno Fernandes, and Shane Dylan.

By the way, “Magic Number Time” is also known as “football season.”

Probably a good thing dragons were extinct before insurance agencies started. The premiums for riding then would be outrageous.

Always when I’m in the car. Death, taxes and big NBA news when I’m driving!

Oh God, not another hacky Timothée Chalamet impression!

Every football player in the 1940’s was a Polack with a 3-letter first name.

There’s significance to Kenny Pickett being second, and not third, on the depth chart with the Steelers. Means he’ll dress on game day, and that the coaches feel comfortable with him as the guy they put in in a pinch.

If I’m living in Middle Earth I’m not going anywhere near a body of water.

How can Cam work in the produce department, yet be so unfamiliar with green salads?

So the Super Bowl winning teams gets to host the Kickoff Thursday Game? What a great tradition. It must date all the way back to 2020!

Hey gang of diva WR’s, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “silly cap dollars.”

News Item: Patriots traded Mason for a fifth-round pick earlier this offseason.

I can’t log on to my Instagram so I think it’s time to be dramatic and start planning funeral arrangements.

I wonder if Glenn Ordway has enough $ to buy WEEI from Audacy?

The EuroBasket ball looks like one that’s been on the playground for a year, but has that perfectly worn-in feel and comes off your hand just right.

Blue Line Update: Trains are returning to regularly scheduled service.

So the other fake stat creators also hate Tyler “Warren Sharp” Brickner? Good to know.

It always delights me when the Lone Gunmen show up in X-Files episodes.

Explaining to people all the clues that the Queen is actually dying – the kids are all going to Scotland! the BBC is in mourning dress! it’s actually Operation Unicorn because she’s at Balmoral! — like I’m breaking down an episode of House of the Dragon for my mom over here.

Is it called Mount Rainier because of all the rain over there?

I fall to pieces
Each time I see you again
I fall to pieces
How can I be just your friend?

You want me to act like we’ve never kissed
You want me to forget (to forget)
Pretend we’ve never met (never met)

And I’ve tried and I’ve tried, but I haven’t yet
You walk by, and I fall to pieces.

There is a reason why Matthew Stafford described himself as 100% heading into tonight. Following a PRP injection and a non-surgical procedure aimed at healing the elbow, Stafford has completed his 6-month rehab. He’s ready.

I too wish to remain comfortable and at Balmoral.

Yahoo says my fantasy draft grade is a C-?! Well I grade your grading ability a D- then!!

He is just a cornered animal fighting back.

Today is Star Trek Day. So honk if you remember Doctor Spock.

Using the same logic the mediots apply to who’s truly responsible for the Patriots’ success, I think I can safely conclude that Bill Belichick was the only thing keeping Tom and Gisele together.

Hot dogs and French fries are bad for your health? Naw you don’t say?

The final KJ and Dondero Show was broadcast on WEEI Sunday. Also, WEEI had broadcast something called the ‘KJ and Dondero Show’ prior to Sunday, apparently.

Stacey Dash is going to be heartbroken when she finds out about Bernard Shaw and David Arnold. In February. Of 2024. RIP.

So glad Eck was in the booth for Casas’ debut.

Did you ever want to, when in the canned vegetable aisle of the supermarket, just shout out ‘NIBLETS!!” at the top of your lungs? Well don’t; after that they will kindly but firmly ask you to leave.

The Florida humidity turned Jalen Mills’ hair green!

Congratulations on an enviably successful career Serena. Don’t screw it up by un-retiring, like some people do.

Best bet for the weekend: Prince Charles measuring the rooms for new drapes at Buckingham Palace.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, Buckingham Palace, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Bannerman General Ser Reisner, Audacy employees who choose to remain anonymous, BSMW poster Blinded by the Lombardis, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. God Save the Queen.

I. Declare. AUDACYRUPTCY!!

Or perhaps not. Someone should ask that blogger if ‘David Field’ sounded suspiciously like ‘Don Yee.’

Just a meniscus tear for Danilo Gallinari. Celtics fans dodged a bullet, unlike Brian Robinson Jr. Get well both of you.

4 PM Saturday games in the summer are elite. Go to a game, go out for drinks/dinner on a rooftop or in the North End, grab some gelato (shop staffing permitting), watch the sunset, thrive.

Karrie Archibald notifies me her dad is alive and well… And thanks everybody for their concern…

Andrew Callahan looks like an extra from a Nugenix commercial.

Revs are currently in the wrong bunch of seven squads. Could use a W or three in their upcoming September matches.

Sun versus Sky? Sounds like a fable, or native lore.

Scott Zolak could stand in the middle of a North Attleboro industrial park and shoot someone and he wouldn’t lose any of his fans. It’s incredible.

Cakes are cooking for Richard Gere, Gina Schock, Jeff Frye, Jennifer Azzi, Debbie Gibson, Pádraig Harrington, Jeff Hardy, Ted Ligety, Mohammad bin Salman, and Chuck the Tuxedo Cat.

Just turned on the U.S. Open. What happened to Tsitsipas?

Carolina has been in the market for offensive weapons. Jax was open to dealing Laviska Shenault. A perfect match.

When folks say Michael Jordan is their favorite athlete, it’s such a boring and lazy answer. Gimme something different man.

Just watch the Luke Bryan documentary like your wife is forcing you to do like a normal person.

Out: Cry. In: Cope.

Tom Brady was definitely healing a new face during his 11-day absence from Bucs camp.

Paul Perillo’s career now consists of appearing on TV three times a year in front of a dancing claymation Bob’s Discount Furniture guy.

Ciao, gang! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I saw bones come out I hope nothing serious but I fear the worst.”

Peter Vescey is an asshole.

It occurred to me that “hippie” and “hipster” are similar words, yet hippies and hipsters are different – I think about things like this – and now I’ll go back to thinking about the circumference of the earth and the depth of the Mariana Trench, also things I think about.

MBTA Red Line Update: Your train is stopped one stop away.

I don’t know about this Saudi golf business, but were we still all mad at the Krauts and Japs in 1962?

Pro tip: Sackface Andelman is the one that looks like a ballsack.

Out of all the chips in the world, BBQ chips are my favorite. Cool Ranch Doritos probably 2nd tho.

Death by misadventure usually ends in a retired number.

I’ll take Tom Curran seriously when he stops using his middle initial unnecessarily.

Can’t wait to count the empty seats at Vito Stellino’s funeral.

News Item: Juliette Binoche: ‘I loved two men at once’. (Diedrich Bader as Lawrence in Office Space GIF)

I follow the Moskva
Down to Gorky Park
Listening to the wind of change.

An August summer night
Soldiers passing by
Listening to the wind of change.

The world is closing in
Did you ever think
That we could be so close, like brothers.

The future’s in the air
Can feel it everywhere
I’m blowing with the wind of change.

If there are curmudgeons, why aren’t there catmudgeons and birdmudgeons and goatmudgeons?  Just imudgeon it. . . Honk if you remember Danny Almonte.

Like Kellen Mond more. You can’t!

Cats get so much happier after you feed them.

First Len Dawson now Ernie Zampese, the tobacco industry can’t survive that kind of hit! Watch your back, Jim Leyland, is all I’m sayin’.

Think that Rory McIlroy is a little bit good at golf?

I want to do stuff to Katie.

It might not be the Red Sox’s year.

The music of Yung Gravy is very helpful in these trying times.

Halloween candy in supermarket displays in August? I’ll retire to Bedlam.

It’s a low bar, but Chad Graff is already better than Matt Fairburn.

Best bet for the weekend: people thinking aloud that Monday feels like a Sunday.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Audacy employees who choose to remain anonymous, BSMW posters Hacksaw, Laszlo Panaflex, and Lebron, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. In the still of the night I hear the wolf howl, honey, sniffing around your door. In the still of the night I feel my heart beating heavy, telling me I gotta have more.

So of course, the thing most likely to result in horrid shit takes happens. Twice. Going great!

Yes, that could be either the Pats or the Sox.

Skinny bones should heal quicker, right?

I would love to go to an oceanfront resort that put a big living room on the beach.

Devers: he’s the same age as the Little Leaguers! Get it? Get it??

If a rap show happens in New England and you don’t see Dart, did it really happen?

Two cheers for WEEI for the Jimmy Fund Radiothon thing.

Cakes are cooking for Vince McMahon, Mike Shanahan, Cal Ripkin Jr, Dana Gould, Marlee Matlin, Dave Chappelle, and Arian Foster.

Is Kayce going to wear white for the wedding? What, it’s a valid question!

I am really, really, extra really glad that Bill Lee is OK, but, Jesus, having a heart attack in the bullpen while warming up to enter a professional baseball game at age 75 would have been the most poetic exit of all time.

Mike McDaniel has proven noted genealogist Chuck D’s “Fear of a Black Planet” thesis to be incorrect.

Never had too much Crown Royal. Not a big fan. Just give me a Budweiser and I’m happy.

What color stripe on the American flag do tow truck drivers get?

Fitchburg Line Train 416 (12:25 pm from Wachusett) is operating 5-15 minutes behind schedule between Shirley and North Station.

Hey gang of Brooklynite hoopster hipsters, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “we have agreed to move forward with our partnership.”

Beyonce loves making spaghetti and sandwiches. She could feed me virtually anything and I’d be happy.

I’m travelin’ down that lonesome road
Feel like I’m draggin’ a heavy load
Yeah, I’ve tried to turn my head away
Feel ’bout the same most every day

(You know what I’m talkin’ about, baby)

You’re in a car, what’s the worst that can happen if you try to drive through that flooded underpass? Go for it.

Do you have a tan plan?

All the farmers and ranchers are selling their herds! Tomatoes won’t be grown anymore! California will have a megadrought AND a megaflood! The UN warns of nuclear annihilation! Covid! Monkeypox! Polio!

We lost Lul Pab?

I love when Laura Rutledge is covering football no matter what. I don’t care if it’s just a preseason game. Keep shining Laura- people notice.

MBTA Orange Line Update: Nope.

Why is raw bacon always cut longer than the width of your largest frying pan?

Let me translate: “He won 17 games 3 years in a row for the Sox. Awful person. Sucks. No moment of silence. Go Orioles.”

Late August at noontime is perfect sweatshirt weather.

Another lost practice for YOUR Patriots. Sad.

Best part of the season, where Dave O’Brien awkwardly chats with people who are dying.

Honk if you remember the Hellenic Flu.

I called someone a psychopath for a minimally weird thing yesterday and my wife was like “do they sit on the deck and look up where every plane that passes overhead is going?” and I thought maybe she had a point.

Jim? Jimbo? Jimmy? Jom?

Using hot dogs as straws? This is why the terrorists and Peter King hate us.

On subject, do you think Doug Kyed has a thigh tattoo of that ‘we’re all trying to find out who did this’ guy in the hot dog suit?

It started out in neon lights and then all got dark.

I’ve seen more Josh McDaniels praise this week than I did during all his time in new England.

Historically, some starting pitchers with less than 200 wins HAVE made the Hall of Fame, including Jack Chesbro (198), Dazzy Vance (197), Ed Walsh (195), Rube Waddell (193), Lefty Gomez (189), Sandy Koufax (165), Addie Joss (160) and Dizzy Dean (150).

Christian Kirk caught 5 passes from Trevor Lawrence in the Jaguars’ last preseason game and is a value play later in your drafts.

Don’t think we didn’t notice the Jujyfruits are now smaller, Heide Candy Company.

PGA Tour Championship starts Thursday. Who do you like?

Best bet for the weekend: having a tan plan.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Old Friend howzie, Josh Marion (stick tap to TapeGrindah for convincing me Josh was on the level, babe), Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. One Step Beyond!!

Yeah, I’m sure Bill fucking Belichick is a couple weeks into training camp and has no plan for his offense. Just making it up as he goes. Planning every detail meticulously for the last 50 years must have been exhausting. He deserves to go out there and just sling it for a change.

Your last-place (for now) Boston Red Sox finally won a series against an AL East Division foe!

Zolak shouldn’t use binoculars, they should give him a telescope.

NESN has a ‘Sun in 2’ WNBA rebroadcast?

Have all the Twitter injury docs deleted their accounts after the Zach Wilson misdiagnosis fiasco? And if no; why not?

No city loves its sports talk like Boston, and no city tunes it out like Los Angeles. Advantage: LA.

They also don’t drive Chevy Caprices or Dodge Polaras anymore Jill.

Good luck Middleborough Little Leaguers.

Cakes are cooking for Robert De Niro, Guillermo Villas, Robin Cousins, Jon Gruden, Dottie Pepper, Don Sweeney, Ed McCaffrey, Christian Laettner, Donnie Wahlberg, Thierry Henry, Dustin Pedroia, Dee Brown (the other one), and Lil Pump.

Lil’Jordan is not lil’. I think his parents made a dubious assumption.

Dondero is probably wondering when Sir Elton will write a song memorializing his sister, Olivia Newton.

Revs maneuvering to move up in the standings with a match tonight after a 1-0 win on Saturday.

From no weapons to WR7, WR8, and WR9 having to sit on milk crates in the WR Room!

Shukri is going to beat Dondy to a full time gig. Sad.

NBA twitter doesn’t know what “grandfathered” means. More’s the pity.

Sharing shellfish is essentially an adoption ceremony.

Jimmy G wasn’t ghosting you. He was fucking fat porn stars.

Red Line Ashmont Branch Update: Going Great!

I’m sure I am not the first one to notice this, but. . . with Springer out, the Blue Jays have picked up Jackie Bradley Jr. and Whit Merrifield to play center. Those two are best friends. They were teammates at South Carolina, have stayed close. It reminds me of that time in the 1930s when some team, I think it was the Tigers, platooned Gee Walker–with his brother, Hub Walker.

Is ‘Chip’ from My Three Sons calling in to the Rich Kimball show this week?

Hey gang of spotty potatoes, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, ” And in the end, should Michelle game take a backseat to being able to execute well?”

Nobody pays for Peacock, babe.

Is it really surprising that the people who are sure to put SENIOR writer in their Twitter bio are preoccupied with titles?

Chargers S Derwin James, who had been holding in and now will practice, gets a massive deal. 4 years, $76.532M in new money as the highest paid safety. The $29M in year 1 is also a record. The two sides had been close for a few days, just closed the gap.

On the night of The Undertaker’s debut we also bore witness one of wrestling’s worst moments..the Gobbledy Gooker.

They eat innings! They do!

“Mac” is one more character than ‘10’.

Of course “Honky Tonk Part II” belongs on the Sirius XM 50s channel, not 60s Gold. But it remains my fave all-time Rock ‘n Roll instrumental, regardless.

It’s definitely everybody else’s fault but Ronaldo’s.

There are more Joneses in the Pats secondary than in a gentrified Chinatown phone book!

Here I am
And you’re a Rocket Queen
I might be a little young
But honey I ain’t naive.

Hey @MBTA you what would be great? In the middle of summer having working A/C on the Red Line train instead of having passengers sweating profusely.

Tom Brady is never going to win Buccaneers Practice Player of the Week at this pace.

“Seek Asylum” lmao ..

Honk if you remember Rubby De La Rosa.

It’s incredible what they were able to do with Tomase’s hair for the viewing.

I’m old enough to remember Todd Collins not hitting Kordell Stewart on the sidelines costing the Pats a playoff game in PIT. So don’t be a puss, Chris McCaffrey.

Best bet for the weekend: A German not winning the BMW Open down at the Wilmington CC.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Vacation, all I ever wanted. Vacation, had to get away. Vacation, meant to be spent alone.

‘If you didn’t know better, you’d think the Jets sent Bill Belichick north to destroy the Patriots from within. On a day when they could have had impact players David Terrell or Koren Robinson or the second-best tackle in the draft in Kenyatta Walker, they took Georgia defensive tackle Richard Seymour, who had 1 sack last season in the pass-happy SEC and is too tall to play tackle at 6-6 and too slow to play defensive end. This genius move was followed by trading out of a spot where they could have gotten the last decent receiver in Robert Ferguson and settled for tackle Matt Light, who will not help any time soon unless last year’s draftees Adrian Klemm and Greg Robinson-Randle are busts.’

Looks like Britney Griner has a new 10 year-zero rubles deal with Russia.

Pleased to see the Revs scoring goals once again.

It’s a good thing Chris Sale is getting 145 million dollars from the Red Sox because he should not ever buy a lottery ticket.

DMT is produced naturally in your body. You can do breathing exercises to have it released.

Bergy. Krejci. Back. Now let’s get Middleton and Park signed and win some games!

Cakes are cooking for Tugboat (Fred Ottman), Rosanna Arquette, Jon Farriss, Riddick Bowe, Michael Bivins, Sal Fasano, and Kylie Jenner.

Who in 2022 is shocked to discover Pete Rose is still a sociopath?

790 The Score? It’s back.

Hearing whispers Serena Williams plans to join Coach Scar in retirement.

Eck and his lunatic patois to go bridge at end of season.

Hightown needs more extraneous lesbian sex scenes. That advance the plot.

Orange Line Update: It’s going to be chaos.

Paige Bueckers. Not owning. Limping. Get well soon, see you next year.

That’s right. CABOT cheese. From Vermont.

Roush Fenway Keselowski Racing is still looking for its first Cup Series win this season.

Is PBU this season’s EDGE?

Celebrities. Buying soy sauce? They’re just like us!

Jerry’s son is a Marine. Kevin.

What the hell are the Pats doing at training camp!? Oh, right.

Good for you, Joe Murray.

Russian prison tattoos > Normal WNBA player tattoos

‘The first time I wacked off was to Olivia Newton-John’ is not the tribute you think it is. RIP.

Hey gang of Jeeples, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “No one has a bigger sugar high than the Chatham bros today ..”

Even in 1897 they hated bicyclists.

Schmoopy is married to George Stephanopoulos???

Diana Taurasi to miss remainder of WNBA regular season with a quad strain. May not be the Mercury’s year.

There are so many hot Asians in Atlantic City.

News Item: Paul Brown Stadium is now Harvey Pekar Stadium. Apparently.

Madawaska > Ayahuasca

The Packers tried out a large group of specialists plus a group of running backs: Dexter Williams, Kallen Ballage, Jaylen Samuels, Stevie Scott and Calvin Turner.

When the moon hung soft and low,
Catchin’ stardust in the light
You held me closer and closer
There was magic in the night

A sweet love song, a melody
That I still can recall
Two young hearts filled with dreams
To walk away with it all

Whoa, whoa tender years
Won’t you wash away my tears
How I wish you were here

Andy Hart can’t even get on a rollercoaster, and I’m supposed to trust his football analysis?

Honk if you remember The Book of Lists.

Even after yesterday’s thunderstorm, my poor lawn is still crunchy.

How are things in Glocca Morra?

LA traffic police needs to add the Strike Team to their division.

Tell us more about your gag reflex, Lucy.

A medallion of dust from the Gillette Stadium lighthouse is the second-dumbest thing I’ve ever received in the mail.

Bike lanes. Just not worth the risk.

Cool Hand Luke thinks that’s too many eggs.

Fun fact: This is first time Braves are in Boston as defending WS champs since October 7, 1915.

We’re still doing the Jac Collinsworth thing?

The Chatham Anglers is the name of Cape League squad, not the bros.

Be more fooled by hardo Dan Campbell.

As we emerge from this heat wave it’s nice to be reminded throwing snowballs is one of the few timeless things there is.

Kirk is running off another coworker!? What an upset!

Marshawn Lynch. He had to get home.

Best bet for the weekend: Howie Carr is armed and ready for civil war with his fucking cane.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, BSMW posters Hacksaw, Bedford Dad, Lebron, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. It’s gonna take you over A new sensation, (a new sensation).

Red Sox were both buyers AND sellers at the trade deadline. Like being an importer/exporter.

I wish I was smart enough to discern the commonality between Mopey Tom Brady illicitly negotiating to leave New England and Mopey Tom Brady illicitly negotiating to leave Tampa Bay. 

Vin Scully. I feel like a part of my grandparents childhood died along with him. RIP.

Welcome to Boston Eric Hosmer, and welcome back Kacie. They’re probably not going to celebrate at Table.

Pray to Creator/God
Smudge/Light Incense and Candles
Feed the Sacred Alter dedicated to the Ancestors and Loved ones
Set intentions
Sit still
Meditate and Free your Mind
Invite other aligned Souls
Live out life beautifully and Manifest 
Help as many families as you can

I bet Tuukka is excited to finally do the sex now that he’s married.

Tell the wife to keep her head on a swivel and your kid to have faster reflexes, Seth.

Hashtag more names.

How are we as a society not making Aaron Judge pee into a cup every game?

Cakes are cooking for Martha Stewart, John Landis, Tim Mayotte, James Hetfield, Óscar Pereiro, Tom Brady, and Ryan Lochte.

So long Vazqy. We’ll see you later, when the Sox re-acquire you next season.

If you aren’t making Vin Scully’s death about yourself are you even nominally “in sports”?

Orange Line Update: To accelerate #BuildingABetterT efforts & address critical @FTA_DOT directives, the Orange Line will be fully diverted from 9pm on August 19 – September 18. Shuttle buses & the @MBTA_CR will be available for alternate service downtown & across the line.

Hey gang. This week’s Phrase that Pays is “a fundamental lack of understanding”

ENGLAND WON THE EUROS AND MY CAT WHO’S BEEN MISSING FOR NINE MONTHS WHO WE ALL THOUGHT WAS DEAD JUST CAME BACK. SHE JUST SAUNTERED IN AND WENT TO HER FOOD BOWL LIKE NOTHING HAD HAPPENED. WHAT A WEEKEND FOR ICONIC LADIES BRINGING IT HOME

I’ll say it. I miss having Marv’s warm body to kick around.

There will be verification of said names.

My father, Bert Bell, invented the meaningless death.

Reply more to the same tweet. You can’t.

The first rule of being a ‘media personality’ should be that you have one. That Shukes guy has nothing to offer. Blank as a fart.

Mother in law owes you 80 bucks you never hear from her. You borrow her crock pot for 2 days? Hoo child.

It’s Red….. Auerbach. HOUR-BACK.

Don’t Google ‘docking’.

My content will be different moving forward.

Is Joe Biden addicted to COVID-19?

I think your baseball-reference is different than mine.

Low rider don’t use no gas now
Low rider don’t drive too fast

Take a little trip, take a little trip
Take a little trip and see
Take a little trip, take a little trip
Take a little trip with me.

I wonder if the cricket hiding and chirping behind the break room refrigerator knows the cricket hiding and chirping behind the water heater in my basement.

The Yankees this year are so good, a few people are even starting to compare them to the 2018 Red Sox.

ALERT: The City of Boston has declared a heat emergency beginning beginning tomorrow, August 4 through Sunday, August 7. Cooling centers will be open at 16 Boston Centers for Youth & Families community centers through Sunday from 9AM to 5PM

Hold on, ‘spaz’, is considered an ‘ableist slur’ in England? That’s just retarded.

Brady asked to be released in the summer of 2018, then actively colluded with a division opponent the following year. Bill managing that loon for 20 years is the greatest accomplishment in sports history.

Vin Scully called 21 no-hitters. The NBA equivalent would be calling 5 60-point games.

Honk if you remember Sihugo Green.

Tiger Woods reportedly turned down a 700-800 million dollar offer to join the new controversial LIV Golf tour. I say good for him. He can still make that and more in the United States.

Wait, Shula died?!!!

If you think about it, what Deshaun Watson did was also kind of an ‘equipment violation’. What?

Twitter must employ a disproportionate number of only children. Someone with older siblings would know the obvious difference between brotherly tough love and ‘targeted abuse.’

Quote tweet the same tweet more. You can’t.

Between Breer’s idiotic ‘the Patriots used Tom Brady’s draft position as leverage’ take, and Zawahiri getting killed in his Kabul Airbnb by a Hellfire missile with the Ginsu attachments, it’s been a bad week for Al’s.

I also wake up before 6 am to read stories about 94 year-olds.

I would have lost money had the Commonweath of Massachusetts allowed me to bet on whether the state legislature would allow legalized sports betting this session.

Best bet for the weekend: Birthday boy Tom loses another lineman to injury. Oh no!

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Love is in the water. Love is in the air. Show me where to look. Tell me, will love be there? Will love be there?

Bill Russell…the only important statistic…is the final score…R.I.P. to a champion.

I hope for his dear wife Jeannine’s sake Bill Russell finished signing those last 250 basketballs while she selflessly & thoughtfully curated his Twitter account.

It’s like my pops used to say, “Bill Russell loved playing with white cooz on and off the court.” What?

Dale would call him William. Felton. Russell. Bill didn’t know who Dale was.

Bill, as the Celtics player-coach, was the first Black head coach in North American professional sports.

Given the choice between winning or going home, Bill Russell always chose Win.

Russ supposedly lived in Mercer Island, Washington and there’s a lot of performative mourning going on there.

The Celtics loss to the Warriors in the Finals stings even a little more now that it was Bill Russell’s last time watching his old team.

Many people, maybe the best people said the Russell draft-day trade from St. Louis for Macauley and Hagen was one of the most important trades in the history of North American sports.

Bill liked dogs and disliked the media.

If you’re using Bill Russell’s death as a vehicle to increase your social media presence/influence, well, you really shouldn’t do that.

Bill’s listed height during his playing career was 6’10”, not like that liar Larry Bird.

I wonder if the late Nichelle Nichols had a dubious story of Russ telling her to please stay on Star Trek like her oft-told MLK Jr. tale.

Climbing up on Bill’s deathbed to point at local sports fans and call them racist for also rooting for Tom Brady is a bad look, Renee, you ghoulish Globie.

Russ understood the rationale behind the NBA pretending Wilt once scored 100 points in a game.

Bob Ryan’s watch has stopped.

Bill Russell died peacefully. Jeannine gave him a blanket and a pillow. He was well-treated. He hoped to see his old teammates soon.

Kinda sad Bill didn’t live long enough to see Brittany Griner get set free.

Everyone forgets this, but Bill Russell was also a civil rights icon.

Bill won two high school championships, an Olympic Gold medal, two national titles in college, 11 NBA Championship rings, and oddly enough, a NY Yankees pocket watch.

How was Bill Russell like Dexter Manley? Back in the day neither could get into Reading! Bwahahahaha!

Bill was arguable one of the Top Ten Best Celtics players ever.

Fun Fact: Russ hosted Saturday Night Live in 1979, the same year that Harry Shearer, Don Novello, and Paul Shaffer joined the cast.

Bill Russell could be prickly. And cackle-y. But he earned the right to be both.

Russ was friends with Kobe, but we won’t hold that error in judgement against him right now.

Bill Russell finally Lost a Game Seven. The opponent was Time. Kevin.

Best bet for the weekend: Shukri trying to climb inside the casket.

The standard Sports Junk Drawer disclaimer goes here. A normal(?) Sports Junk Drawer will be published mid-week, as usual.

Red Sox lost to Toronto by a Peter King football score prediction!

What happens first? LeBron James retires or Avengers: Secret Wars (scheduled for November 7, 2025)?

Looking at Big Papi’s Cooperstown plaque: Was his Arias removed along with his gallbladder after the shooting?

Mac. He’s gonna own. You’ll see.

Don’t be such a tulip, Jaylen.

Tim Kurkjian? Not really in the Baseball Hall of Fame. Sorrey!

Doesn’t seem like Tom Brady’s Buccaneers had to break the bank to sign Julio Jones.

Wear longer shorts.

Congrats to Evan Lazar for his four years working at a fake company. Must be nice. I wouldn’t know anything about that kind of thing.

Cakes are cooking for Peggy Fleming, Yahoo Serous, Bill Engvall, Ed Orgeron, Juliana Hatfield, Triple H, and Jill Arrigton.

Don’t forget, these guys are human.

A couple days ago my phone’s autocorrect changed something common into “Peabs.” Less than ideal, or perhaps #Owning.

Orange Line Update: Regularly scheduled service has resumed. For reals.

Hey gangers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is” ” Supreme Jort Hobbyist.”

Yes, America’s Favorite Gameday Operations team plays ‘Sweet Caroline’ regardless of the score.

We’ve just learned about the passing of Jim Rebhorn in 2014. RIP.

In Victorian slang, MUFFIN-WALLOPERS were old women who would meet up to gossip over tea and cakes.

You borrow a man’s boat, you tank up to replace the fuel you used. What are we doing here?

Come and be with me
Live my twisted dream
Pro devoted pledge
Time for primal concrete sledge

The man of a thousand retirements
Will always be the one to tell you when to quit
I won’t take stock in a withered man
I’m reaching into you, I’ll make you understand

One of the worst parts of going through a breakup is having to go into your phone and delete all of the photos & videos of you and your former partner.

Tony Dow getting the Pat Burns/Tanya Roberts treatment. Sad.

If Fantasy Football is AIDS, then Madden Scores are Monkeypox.

Listen. Here’s the thing; if you can’t spot the Waingro in the first half hour you’re at the meet-up planning the heist, then you are the Waingro.

Honk if you remember the Choco Taco.

Who tracks their precipitation measurements to the hundredth of an inch? Psychopaths, that’s who.

Q:  What do Terry Pendleton, George Bell, Zoilo Versalles and Thurman Munson have in common? A.  None of them has anything remotely like Hall of Fame credentials.

Free Britney (forgot her last name)

Fun Fact: The Rolling Stones released their album ‘Voodoo Lounge’ 28 years ago on July 11, 1994!

Bill Belichick said more nice things about Raekwon McMillan today than he said about Tom Brady in 20 years.

My pet coelacanth Died, and it got stuck in the toilet, Kevin.

The Tampa Bay Heardahims, everybody!

Best bet for the weekend: Upton Bell remaining alive.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Management reserves the right to include additional items to this column, if needed.

Hot enough for ya?

Well that was certainly the most x All-Star Game out of the last y years. Magical.

The company needs to grow or it becomes stagnic.

Did Chris Sale get bitten by Matt Clement?

LeBron is the same guy who was pretending to read ‘The Hunger Games’. Has no credibility.

Poor luckless Rory.

The Derek Jeter thing on ESPN, is that sponsored by Valtrex?

Have more boats.

Cakes are cooking for Larry Craig, Carlos Santana, Sandra Oh, Omar Epps, Gisele Bundchen, Julianne Hough, and Ben Simmons.

Josina is going to have to carry even more water now. Or some other fluid.

I thought the FOX Sports graphic during the Sox/Yankees series claiming ‘Jet fuel can’t melt this rivalry1’ was in poor taste.

I’m definitely in my late 40’s because I go shopping at 6 AM to avoid crowds. I’m presently in my living room/office eating fruit, practicing a TV show pitch & watching golf…

Tafka? What is that, Hungarian?

I hope Kirk doesn’t have his usual post-live show ‘negative thoughts’ forcing him to ‘have to take a step back’, like happens every time, always.

Lucy’s video Friday said yesterday was a “Cutter Day”. So she limits herself to certain days? Good for her!

I have four Letters to Cleo: C-U-N-T.

Lou Merloni’s hair is dyed so black, a Kardashian tried to fuck it.

I know that I’m getting older because sometimes now I confuse Terry Pendleton and Garry Templeton.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “God Bless.”

SIDEBAR: I created the #MediasRojasPorVida hashtag on Instagram. ME. I did that shit.

Can’t believe Heath is gone.

It’s interesting the Red Sox have basically eliminated high school pitchers from their draft classes the last few years. Since Paul Toboni took over as Director of Amateur Scouting in 2020, the only one they have selected is Elmer Rodriguez-Cruz in the 4th round last year.

Bergy? Krejci? Hello?

Blue Line: Delays of up to 15 minutes due to a maintenance train inspecting the overhead wires. Trains may be asked to stand by at stations.

Someone should write a scholarly monograph on Reduced Sugar Intake Leading to Acute Humorlessness.

Chris Berman offered to buy my wife a beer and take her home at a Red Sox game once when I ran to the restroom. True story.

If Boston is racist, why does it tolerate Shukri?

You use a fire distinguisher to determine whether it is a type A, B, or C conflagration. Then you commence to extinguishing the flames, dummy. We mock what we don’t understand.

Honk if you remember Hale Irwin.

The Iron Sheik is 80 years old and tweets stuff like “EVERYBODY WANG CHUNG TONIGHT, JABRONI!” and we’re supposed to believe it’s really him?

Michelle Wu is such a cutie.

Bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my bike
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride it where I like

You say “black”, I say “white”
You say “bark”, I say “bite”
You say “shark”, I say “Hey man,
Jaws was never my scene
And I don’t like Star Wars…

Patriots rookie OL Chasen Hines (sixth round, LSU) and Andrew Stueber (seventh round, Michigan) have been placed on the active/non-football injury list. This means they aren’t yet ready to practice. They can come off at any time. They didn’t practice this spring either.

You have to figure Charles Leclerc finishes top 3 in the upcoming Grand Prix de France.

X Games! Hell yeah! #Grindah

Keep reflexively looking at the new cable box to see what time it is, despite that not being a feature!

Willis. Haviland. Carrier.

It breaks my heart everyday that Tiger Woods’ ex-wife ruined his life and career.

‘Thanasis Antetokounmpo’ is Greek-Nigerian for ‘Jeremy Giambi’.

Hey, Memba the 1999 All Star Game at Fenway? Memba that?

Now everyone has to be on their bestest behavior at the TD Garden else LeBron is proven right.

Best bet for the weekend: no hard questions for Big Papi David Ortiz.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Easy come, easy go, will you let me go? Bismillah!

“Stidham to Harry” is still real to me, damnit.

It’s a good thing the Red Sox aren’t trying to win the AL East, seeing as they have so much trouble beating the other teams that play in that division.

Of course I’ve heard of Pavel Zacha! He got Emerson to the Beanpot semi-finals a few semesters back!

And speaking of Boston colleges and universities, that AOC is one spicy breakfast taco, as it were.

Media Mike From Route One has diversified into NFT’s!

Women that play soccer are typically cuties.

Cakes are cooking for Jane Lynch, Reina Olea, Tanya Donelly, Robin Ventura, Tim Hudson, Adam Johnson, and Connor McGregor.

Why isn’t Keith Smith at the Summer League games? Has he been sent to Fat Camp?

Someone didn’t read the standard disclaimer.

DB DeJuan Neal out of Shepherd University, who has traveled a windy road from the XFL to the USFL, has now agreed to terms with the Washington Commanders.

My lawn all scorched and turning brown during this #FakeDrought? Psychosomatic.

News Item: Missing cat Rowdy found safe after weeks roaming Logan Airport.

The Bible helps when your fiancée is catching pipe.

Red Sox fans should desist with the “Yankees suck” chant. So far in this series, the only suckage has been from the Red Sox. Act like you’ve been there before, people.

Jangly guitars!

Harry’s foot was inbounds.

Hey gang of high school reunion goers, this week’s Phrase that Pays, narrowly edging out, “hope you’re having fun jerking off to someone way less hotter than me.” is, “The message the world news to hear.”

Can we stfu about Rhea Seehorn now?

Red Line Update: Delays of up to 15 minutes due to an earlier sick passenger.

Way to compete, Kyrgios.

Is there only one restaurant owner in the North End?

I went to a bunch of summer league games when they were in Boston in the early 2000s.

Honk if you remember the WHAM-O Water Wiggle.

Bobby Dalbec should participate in the Home Run Derby. 

Does every dog have a look that means “You are not properly taking care of my needs, Mr. Human”? Whether it is potty, need water, feeding time, bedtime, I get the same look.

Herschel Walker’s multiple personalities all have CTE.

I thought you were going to call each other Maverick and Goose and I wanted to fucking puke!

So Bertie Breer was on with Rotillo, and Ryen started their conversation with “hey, looks like you’re on vacation in New Bedford, huh?” Children of privilege trying to out-douche each other for half an hour.

Just a young gun with a quick fuse
I was uptight, wanna let loose
I was dreaming of bigger things and
Wanna leave my own life behind
Not a “Yes sir”, not a follower
Fit the box, fit the mold
Have a seat in the foyer, take a number
I was lightning before the thunder,

You know that one Yankee fan friend of yours who isn’t an asshole? What? No? Exactly.

Never name your boy Kriss.

Keal will be back playing for NE someday. Just you wait.

Queen size beds are for the poors.

When do the “The NBA is so much more fun when the Knicks are good!” takes start? (It isn’t and they won’t be)

In Great Britain, they call The British Open just, ‘The Open.’

Update: NYCFC has been given another penalty kick opportunity versus the Revs.

Best bet for the weekend: Cannoli at Mike’s Pastry, a hidden gem in Boston’s North End.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Spitting in a wishing well. Blown to hell, crash; on the last splash.