Here are the Region N and Region T matches for today, polls will remain open until 12:30 AM EDT Friday the 15th. Vote your heart.
(Ahem) If you have been enjoying opening round of this year’s Mediot Tournament, or the ones previous, or the Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer columns, or the articles investigating out local sports media, or the Twitter hijinks of the local collaborative, please consider making a one-time donation. Site registration isn’t free. The Crowdsignal plug-in that tabulates the votes costs money as well. Or in the alternative visit our The15 Genuine Merchandise page and buy a shirt or a mug? Up to you. Thanks for reading.
2024 March Sadness, Day Two! You’re about to see more zeroes than a binary code. Here’s a preview of Day 2 as we work our way to the worst of the worst:
REGION C :
(5) Gary Washburn v. (WC) Shukri Wrights: Washburn is a typical haughty Globe dipshit and a sneakily despicable mediot that’s managed to fly under the radar. Bonus points for Gary in this matchup due to Joe Mazzulla’s open and undisguised contempt for him.
Shukri is a grifting carpetbagger with a Charlie Card, an iPhone, and multiple concussions after trips and falls during his walk-and-talks. THE PICK: Print media is dead, Shukri advances. All abroad!
You gotta Bleav.
(6) Kevin L Paul Dupont* v. (11) Sean McAdam: Elderly haughty Globe dipshit takes on journeyman self-important Boston baseball dipshit. THE PICK: Either one is cannon fodder in the round of 32, but we’ll take McAdam and hope Greg Bedard finally reimbursed him.
(2) Chris Gasper v. (15) Jared Weiss: Tyson/McNeely had more drama. THE PICK: The effete, foppish, and spinsterish Gasper’s mendacity overwhelms The Athletic’s Weiss.
* (KLPD won Michael Hurley’s middle initial during last year’s Tournament)
REGION V:
(4) James Stewart v. (WC) Henry McKenna: McKenna’s claim to fame: Playing Larry Bird in Winning Time (*citation needed).
“I’m in your head, Catfucker!”
Jimmy Stewart is dishonest, fucks cats, has a disgusting hunchback, and kicks field goals like a less athletic Governor Greg Abbott (R-TX). Other than that, he’s the tops. THE PICK: The Catfucker in a rout.
(3) Fred Toucher v. (14) Kendra Middleton: What can you say about Fred Toucher that his ex-wife hasn’t said post-coitus to her personal trainer?
As for Kendra – Take one part NYC hack Nick Stevens, mix with one part Jacksonville Kendra, top off with a few simps, and voila: Titzy! Quick suggestion for Titzy: If you’re going into the 98.5 studios in person, bring pepper spray and a taser. You’re going to need it. THE PICK: Freddie T. squeaks by.
(7) Pete Abraham v. (10) Matt McCarthy: This is the Back To The Future match-up: Rabid Anti-Dentite McCarthy gets a look at his future self, Pete Abe. Spoiler: he’s an asshole in the future, too. THE PICK: McCarthy and gingivitis.
REGION N:
(8) Mark Dondero v. (9) Michael Hurley: With the possible exception of flailing North Carolinian Cerrone Battle, no one wants to win this tournament more than Dondy. Dondero’s work at WPRI-12 in Providence producing video essays celebrating Patriots success didn’t capture Felger’s attention, nor did his cringe-worthy spoken word videos. Shit on the Celtics and Jayson Tatum? You had the Milwaukee Cuck at hello – here’s a 98.5 fill-in gig! (Not a Lavanchy style fill-in.) Poor Dondy thinks he’s Dennis Quaid as Jim Morris in The Rookie when he’s really Rick Lancellotti getting ready for another year at McCoy Stadium.
“You ever wonder why the ‘Wood is so happy? Didn’t think so.”
Michael Hurley tweets room temperature Dad jokes. Michael Hurley is a digital sports producer at WBZ.com. He’s worked at WBZ for more than 10 years. Previously, he covered Boston sports for NESN.com. With a bio this unremarkable, Michael Hurley might be in the Witness Protection Program. THE PICK: Dondero, easily.
(6) Mike Giardi v. (11) Taylor Kyles: Giardi, who moonlights as Jimmy Garoppolo’s fluffer, went from the NFL Network to mopping the bathrooms at BSJ HQ. Impressive career arc, stupid.
Taylor Kyles has Twitter rabbit ears, is younger than Mac Jones, earnestly grinds tape and somehow, to paraphrase Paul Mooney, makes Steve Burton look like Malcolm X. The blow-dried BSJ prick is THE PICK: Giardi.
(3) Chad Finn v. (WC) Gethin Coolbaugh: Chad Finn is real and unspectacular. Chad Finn is a cuck for a cuck, managing PR for Michael Felger’s show and will get around to finally excoriating Tony Massarotti’s for his overt racist comments on African Americans being car thieves once the technology to send a fax to the Globe reaches Mid-Coast Maine.
I’m not convinced “Gethin Coolbaugh” is real, but here’s a brief bio: He works for the Associated Press (that’s still a thing?) and the Boston Sports Jourinal (AKA unpaid internship). I’ll leave it up to you to decide if this is AI or not, but he sounds like Judge Smails narrating small font without wearing his reading glasses:
🏈 Steelers sign former Super Bowl champion QB Wilson 🏈 Eagles sign former Giants star RB Barkley, LB Huff 🏀 Brother of LSU guard arrested after SEC title game brawl
Region T is stacked with matchups almost too good for the first round.
(6) Andy Hart v. (11) Nick Cattles: This matchup is the ’27 Yankees vs. the ’86 Celtics of unearned arrogance, ignorance, and entitlement.
In the words of Junior Soprano, Andy Hart is so far behind in the race he thinks he’s ahead. His combination of belligerence and stupidity is rivaled only by Greg Bedard. (Nice job disproving Little Man’s Syndrome, Dumbo.) Hart was born in the on-deck circle and life immediately DFA’d him.
Nick Cattles can’t get a job in Boston radio because the sense inside the building is he’s a argumentative dick. He can’t sniff a fill-in shift because no one can stand him. Nick Cattles solicited people on Twitter to unload his moving truck for no pay. Nick Cattles lost a significant sum of money to a Nigerian Prince and tweeted about it. In possibly related news, Nick Cattles now has a Patreon teasing even MORE shitty takez than already spews on The Nick Cattles Podcast, Cattles on Causeway, The Greg Bedard Podcast, or at his spot near Mass and Cass. THE PICK: A tradition as old as time: Dumbo gets passed over. Nickelless wins.
(7) Brian Scalabrine v. (10) Meghan Ottolini: Scalabrine is unlistenable on Celtics broadcasts and makes you thankful MUTE exists, particularly when he starts with uncomfortable voice affectations. MegO is awful on WEEI, but that’s not Olive Oyl’s from Maryland’s fault – that’s management’s fault for batting her in the clean-up slot of failure. If failure is anorexia, then call failure ‘Adam Jones’. THE PICK: Per usual: Jonezy wins at losing. By association, MegO moves on.
(2) Andrew Callahan v. (WC) Cerrone Battle: No one has benefited more from Thunder and Mayo’s Happy Hour Summit than Andrew Callahan of the Wingo Square Shitrag. Did anyone think Callahan would be a 2 seed this time last year? As far as I can tell, the only difference between Andrew Callahan and a writer for the Duxbury Clipper is that a writer for the Clipper can afford to live in Duxbury. If the print-edition of the Herald shrinks any further, Andy Hart will use it as bedding. Callahan is a walking Herald stereotype: he works cheap and will soon be replaced by AI.
Wildcard winner Cerrone Battle is an interesting case: he’s lives in North Carolina, but is OFD: Originally From Dorchester. He was once on the right side of history regarding the racist assholes manning the afternoon show on 98.5 The SportsKlan. I wonder what happened?
Those tweets – guess what? He’s deleted them.
Battle’s fealty to Felger and Mazz was bought and paid for with the promise of fill-in shifts and some weekend hours. You can argue that’s more offensive than anything Tony Massarotti has said about car thieves.
THE PICK: Callahan wins. Battle loses his soul.
Cerrone Battle? More like Cerrone Pushover, right Mike?
Mike Irons lives in the Blade Runner/Dark Angel-esk rain-drenched dystopian Pacific Northwest.
(Clears throat) If you have been enjoying the run up to this year’s Mediot Tournament, or the ones previous, or the Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer columns, or the articles investigating out local sports media, or the Twitter hijinks of the local collaborative, please consider making a one-time donation. Site registration isn’t free. The Crowdsignal plug-in that tabulates the votes costs money as well. Or in the alternative visit our The15 Genuine Merchandise page and buy a shirt or a mug? Up to you. Thanks for reading.
The Wild Card participants all move on into The Big Sads! They’ve earned an off day. Ten contests today, an off day for everyone Wednesday, 12 more on Thursday, with last 10 of Round One on Friday. Let’s Go!!
The bones of the previous regime will be roasted at the gates of Hell!
Sent to us from Patrick in Andover del Norte:
Wild Card Monday really lived up to its name, as each of the four winners are first time participants. Apparently, everyone loves to hate an underdog. Are there more upsets on the horizon? That’s for YOU to decide!
Region C – Michael Felger (1) vs Chris Cotillo (16) Let’s face it, Cotillo has no chance against Felger. To help ease his pain please consider signing up to his Zoom workshop for aspiring sportswriters. Come learn what it takes to break into a tough industry. All are welcome, no experience required. Maybe next year YOU can go from March Sadness voter to March Sadness participant. Chris can be reached by email at bychriscotillo@gmail.com for pricing and more info. Make sure to use the code “THE15” at checkout.
Phil Perry (4) vs Rob Bradford (13) What the hell is going on with the brim on all of Bradford’s hats? A 50+ year old man in a flat-brimmed hat is bad enough, but to have a brim with a convex curve! It’s quite the zany affect. I guess it distracts from the perpetually wrinkled boring t-shirts. Perry advances.
We’re on the way to the full Jesper Parnevik brim.
Greg Hill (3) vs Rich Keefe (14) UPSET ALERT! The last time I heard Greg Hill on the radio was during one of Howard Stern’s 20-minute-long commercial breaks. Greg actually pulls the highest ratings at WEEI, which is akin to being the tallest midget (Hello Andy Hart!). If you follow the ratings as they plummet throughout the day, you will eventually arrive at Rich Keefe. Keefer sadness for the win!
Region V – Andy Gresh (5) vs Adam Jones (12) Yet another intra-EEI match up. Imagine being at such an awful radio station that Andy Gresh is your lead in. Now imagine being such an awful radio host that you can’t even retain Andy Gresh’s audience. It must be killing Adam Jones that if he had just hung in there for six more months he could have slithered right into co-host seat at the 98.5 Morning Zoo. The Sports Vulva ffffreaking earholes Gresh.
Dan Shaughnessy (6) vs Jermaine Wiggins (11) Can Shank be the Willis Reed of this tournament? More likely the 2023 version of Reed rather than his 1970 performance. Even without a pulse Dan will beat Wiggy.
Region N – Ted Johnson (1) vs Mike Kadlick (16) And now a few words from Ted Johnson: Bread, good. Fire, BAD!
Ted smash!!
Marc Bertrand (4) vs Gabby Starr (13) Gabby was the belle of last year’s ball, but now that she’s covering the unrest in the Middle East instead of the Red Sox, I fear she may not make it out of round one. The Far Side Kid should roll to a victory.
Jim Murray (2) vs Christian Arcand (15) Arcand is a dingleberry, but Murray is a piece of shit.
Region T – Christian Fauria (8) vs Chris Curtis (9) Fauria may have been part of two Super Bowl wins, yet it is Curtis who has the more amazing accomplishment. What was Lucy thinking?
Gratuitous? Yes, and?
Mark Daniels (5) vs Joe Murray (12) Poor Joey Beefs doesn’t stand a chance against YOUR New England Patriots Minister of Information. I’m hearing whispers than Daniels is primed for a deep run.
I was hoping we could get Lucy Burdge to make these picks whilst sashaying through a parking garage, but apparently the budget was blown on AI Trump. Alas, there’s nothing left to splash out on Lucy and her Flex Seal pants. To the match-ups…
Gratuitous? Perhaps.
Region C: Steve Buckley vs Shukri Wright(s) Steve Buckley? Now, that’s a name I’ve not heard in a long time You may remember him from his many stints on WEEI in the late 90s or for his often-recycled columns in the Herald. Now apparently he works as the caretaker for the estate of Donnie Beardsley. Buck is up against a relative newcomer to the Boston sports scene, Shukri Wrights (it maybe Wright, nobody is sure – especially Shukri). Shukri, a NYC native who moved to Boston in 2017, is a lifelong diehard Boston sports fan, that is if you believe life starts at 30. Shukri’s greatest success has come by cosplaying a Bruins fan, which he has been able to parlay into many non-paying jobs at numerous faux media outlets. Does Shukri have what it takes to advance to the round of 64? Do you Bleav in miracles? Buck vs Shuk, should be an old fashioned Pierre Nightmare!
Adama Sanogo!
Region V: Dan Greenberg vs Henry McKenna For all the pants pissing he does during each and every Celtics game, Dan’s Twitter handle should be changed to SoilieYellowStain. I guess Dan just cares more, and he’s not afraid to show it! Performative fanning at its finest. Henry McKenna is a milquetoast nobody. Went from http://Boston.com to Fox Sports where he now covers the AFC East and not just the Patriots. He grew a mustache to cover up the fact that he has no upper lip. Punch Greenberg’s ticket to the big dance.
Okay
Region N: John Karalis vs Gethin Coolbaugh There was a real danger of the Boston Sports Journal being over-represented in the tournament given their extremely low subscriber to “people who give a shit” ratio. So it’s glad to see that these two bald losers have to battle it out for inclusion. Karalis, he of the scrubbed Twitter timeline, has been barely hanging on to the periphery of the Boston sports scene for years. Still pretending to cover the Celtics, and still no one noticing. Coolbaugh is a complete unknown. Nobody heard of him before Bedard hired him, and nobody has heard of him since Bedard hired him. His Twitter profile picture is himself next to a giant oversized prop microphone, insinuating that he is on the radio. It’s most likely a Rupert Pupkin situation, with Gethin “broadcasting” from his mother’s basement to her weekly bridge group. Based on reviewing their Twitter interactions, Karalis should win this by a total vote count of 1 to 0.
Gethin will shave his facial hair into a ‘G’ if he wins today.
Region T: Courtney Cox vs Cerrone Battle How often do you think Courtney Cox is greeted by disappointed faces when they find out she’s not THE Courtney Cox? 99% or is it actually 100%? I’m told that she’s part of Greg Hill’s Morning Zoo on WEEI, and to be honest I’ve never heard her. All I know if that she is not THE Courtney Cox, and for that I am disappointed. Ten years ago Cerrone Battle’s Twitter timeline was awash with Tweets rightfully calling out Felger and Mazz for their borderline racist comments. After Mazz crossed the border last year, the 98.5 higher ups were desperately scrambling to find “a couple of guys like that” to provide cover for their hosts more colorful comments. Welcome to the 98.5 family Cerrone, just stay away from Felger’s car. Is Cerrone Battle a sellout? Will he advance? That’s for you the voting public to decide.
The 15 