Robert and Jonathan Kraft are fully committed to easing the tensions and atoning for the inhuman working conditions at Gillette Stadium under the Previous Regime That Shall Not Be Named.
The Kraft Family pulled out all the stops for Coach Mayo’s Patriots Media Happy Hour this week, bringing in one of the great singer/songwriters of all time to entertain their esteemed media guests: The Piano Man, Billy Joel.
William. Martin. Joel.
It’s nine o’clock at Media Day
The regular slobs shuffle in
Krafty Bob’s seated next to me
Makin’ love to his tonic and gin
Here’s to metal benches and custodians!
He says, “Son, can you play me a memory?
I’m not really sure how it goes
But it’s sad and it’s sweet and I knew it complete
When I was paying Bledsoe through the nose.”
Oh, la, la-la, di-di-da
La-la di-di-da, da-dum
“Remember when is the lowest form of conversation.”
Sing us a song, Mr. Charlatan
Sing us a song tonight
Well we’re all in the mood for some tummy rubs
And you’ve got us feelin’ all right
Now,Tom E. at the bar is a friend of mine
He gets me my drinks for free
And he’s quick with a joke or to light up your smoke
But there’s someplace that he’d rather be
He said, “Phil, I believe this is killing me,”
As the smile ran away from his face
“Well, I’m sure I could nab Ian Rapoport’s job
If I could get out of this place.”
Think again, Joyboy.
Oh, la, la-la, di-di-da
La-la di-di-da, da-dum
Simple Ben is an idiot columnist
With a mail-order bride for a wife
And he’s talking with Dumb Andy
Who’s still on the JV
And probably will be for life
Actual size.
And Coach Mayo is practicing politics
While the mediots slowly get stoned
Yes, they’re sharing a drink called incompetence
But it’s better than drinking alone
Suck up to us, Mr. Charlatan
Suck up to us tonight
Well, we don’t really care if you win a game
As long as you serve us Bud Light
Stacey James, not #OOTG.
It’s a pretty good crowd for media day And Stacey James gives me a smile ‘Cause he knows that it’s me they’ve been coming to see To forget about Bill for a while
Ben McAdoo thinks it’s a carnival And Van Pelt, he drinks all the beer And they sit at the bar and put bread in my jar And say, “Man, thank god that you’re here.”
The Immaculate Grid, Boston sports media edition will return with new grids after the Christmas and New Year’s Day holidays. Until then, enjoy the winners from weeks nine thru sixteen!
January – Gabby Starr of the Boston Herald is a Woman in Sports
The Boston Herald hired Gabrielle Starr as a Red Sox reporter, over our strong objections, and dispatched her on her first assignment to cover the Red Sox Winter Weekend in Springfield. Hilarity ensued:
What? You might ask, why not drive the five minutes to your hotel, and write your story ahead of the deadline, you know, for your job in a warm room using the hotel’s wifi? Because you won’t get any Margaret Bourke-White stolen valor doing that.
Adam Jones Moves from 98.5 to WEEI Afternoon Drive Time Cohost
Jones was reunited with Christian Arcand on the new show, which also boasted Meghan Ottolini as a cohost. Jones’s addition was part of a recent deck chair rearraigning at WEEI, which included saying aloha to afternoon host Lou Merloni, moving Christian Fauria from afternoon drive to middays, and banishing Rich Keefe from middays to evenings.
Oddly, in a head-to-head matchup the listeners preferred the actual Michael Felger to the Great Value version of him, leading to ratings low enough to implode a poorly constructed submersible with the loss of all hands. Figuratively.
February –Evil Tony Did a Racism
Tomy Masserotti thinks all Black people steal cars!
This admission against interest led to a short suspension for Mazz, and sensitivity training for the entire Beasley Boston group.
However, the promotion of Cerrone ‘Dark Bertrand’ Battle who previously was involved in sports podcasts and Celtics playoff postgame shows to nighttime and weekend programming contributor in June was purely coincidental.
Midcoast Maine Needs Starlink
Ostensible Boston Globe media columnist Chad ’98 point’ Finn would have liked to have covered the Racist Mazz story, he really would, but Midcoast Maine, where he was, had no internet. Sad. Fix it, Elno!
March – Chris Curtis Nip-Gate
‘Nip’ is both New England regional slang for 50 ml miniature liquor bottles, and a historic racial slur for those from Japan (Nippon) in particular and can be extended to include all Asians in general. Keep that in mind when Chris Curtis lists ‘Mina Kimes’ as one of his top Nips:
Curtis would later claim he meant to say Mila Kunis and not Mina Kimes. Right. This led to a week-long suspension for Curtis. All fix!
Just look at him. He said what he meant to say.
The League isn’t about Mike Giardi anymore
6 weeks ago, I was covering the Super Bowl for @nflnetwork. This week, I was informed that I'm being bought out as part of the long rumored budget cuts. I gave them my very best. I'll give the same going forward. Greatly appreciate those who believed in me. On to the next.
Giardi would later be picked up by Greg Bedard’s CLNS-underwritten vanity website BSJ in July.
May – Fred Toucher Misses Time at Work Due to Throat Issues, Quickie Little Stint in Detox.
Having lost his voice earlier that month due to ‘throat issues’, Toucher checked himself into the facility on Sunday for a 72-hour treatment. With Sunday and the holiday Monday not counting toward those hours, was released from the facility on Thursday morning, allowing him to return to work on Friday.
Going Great!
Shukri Wrights Place Wright Time
2023 was the year of Shukri Wrights. And Shukri Wright. And Shukri White. All Shukris everywhere really. And Shukri Wright(s) really was everywhere. The podcaster, early-30s college radio host, TikTok video maker, and Bleaver – finally got his big break, calling women’s college hockey on ESPN+ (they got his name correct in time for his last game). Then, in late spring, Shukri finally got his big break and booked several national radio call-ins that some people almost listened to on SportsMap Radio. The record-setting Bruins may have flamed out, but Shukri didn’t, finally getting his big break as the inaugural editor and beat reporter for the Boston Bruins page on The Hockey News. Shukri provided his unique coverage during the Bruins busy period after the free agent signing period but before training camp began, but got his big break covering the retirement of Bruins legend Patrice Bergeron. In true Shukri form, he didn’t write an article for his new media outlet, instead crossposting a TikTok video reaching dozens of younger fans via algorithm. His time at THN was short-lived though, as the New York native and lifelong-Beantownian left Boston before the season started for his hometown of Philadelphia in the Commonweath of Pennsylvania, It was there in the City of Brotherly Love that Shukri finally got his big break, becoming a contributor to Fox Sports PHL Gambler. In his spare time, Shukri likes to check out many great restaurant.
June – All Hat Nick Cattles Plumb Ain’t Rustled Up No Local Radio Job
Journeyman Nick Cattles, late of stints with 98.5, WEEI, and ESPN Radio departed his radio gig in the Golden State’s Capitol City, at the 50,000-Watt blowtorch Sactown Sports 1140 AM in order to spend more time with his family on the East Coast. Really. Nick had been there since 2021, also wearing the program director hat for a time.
Cattles could not have chosen a worse time, as it happened soon after another round of layoffs in sports media, particularly effecting ESPN and The Athletic. However, he still has his family and his podcast.
November – Toucher & Rich Done For Good
Sports Hub stalwarts since Day 1 back in 2009, Fred ‘Toucher’ Toettcher and Richard ‘Rich’ Shertenlieb’s slow-motion conscious uncoupling became official late in November with the announcement that Fred signed a contract extension, while Rich chose not to do the same. One Rob ‘Hardy’ Poole will replace Rich in 2024.
Thanks go out to the entire Local Collaborative, and especially to Officer Santos, Rex Dart, andthe unaffiliated (Sideshow Bob groan) ‘Cully’ for their contributions to this post.
The Immaculate Grid, Boston sports media edition will return with new grids after the Christmas and New Year’s Day holidays. Until then, enjoy the winners from the first eight weeks.
The Immaculate Grid, Boston sports media edition. This week’s theme: the follicly challenged! Be it receding hairlines, male pattern baldness, dubious comb-overs, or just plain old cueball-baldness.
Past or present media members, regular or guest appearances are okay. There may only be one answer, and you can’t use anyone more than once. The15 merchandise (& other) prize giveaways will continue for the best solution!
Past or present media members. There may only be one answer, and you can’t use anyone more than once. The15 merchandise prize giveaways will continue on this Cyber Monday!
Well, thus ends the most popular morning sports radio show in America. (citation needed) Charles de Gaulle famously said, “the graveyards are full of indispensable men.” The same applies to regional radio programs. If we are to sensibly assume that none of the 2nd, 3rd, or 7th bananas on that program will get the promotion to Rich’s plain black seat (Sorrey Wallach, O’Brien, Lockhart, & Gemelli), who will the station pair up with Fred? Here are some suggestions:
Toucher and Dick(erson) – He’s available, and more dependable than Fred.
Toucher and Upton Bell – Uppy can fill four hours of radio by himself with his impossible to verify stories of his own genius, Kevin.
Toucher and Mikey Adams – He’ll lock himself in the studio! Great stuff.
Toucher and Finn– two unhealthy-looking old pale bearded guys are better than one. Plus the Globe would definitely let Chad keep his media critic job.
Toucher and Cam in Taunton – He’s been auditioning for eight years! C’mon!
Toucher and Liz Walker – Issues affecting Boston’s disenfranchised communities and zany sports bits featuring WALLDICK.
Toucher and That Young Fella (Mark Dondero) – You can’t discount someone Felger nearly remembered the name of.
Toucher and Artificial Intelligence – Fills the void Boston morning radio has had since Carlos the Computer died during Y2K.
Toucher and Rear Admiral – Codependent Co-hosts, khed! You all right?
Toucher and Brandon Meriweather – 98.5 would regain the lead over WEEI in hiring incoherent former Patriots players. Big Bang Clock!
Toucher and Meghan Ottolini – She’s wacky and gawky! Some of which make for great radio!
Toucher and Gary Tanguay – Pro: Like Dickerson, available. Con: would probably be called ‘Toucher and Bad Toucher’ behind their backs.
Toucher and Plain Black Hat – Just one of Rich’s plain black hats. Would increase station diversity!
The 15 