No Fooling.
It’s Felger’s third time getting to the Four You Deplore, his radio partner Tony got this far last tourney as well, TEC and Kadlick are in uncharted territory. Should be interesting.
Polls will stay open until Midnight EDT, 9 PM PDT. Vote responsibly.
Curran, Felger, Massarotti, and Kadlick. Kadlick? Okay. Next week. Be ready.
And now a few loving words about “The Hateable Eight”, courtesy of everyone’s favorite meteorologist enthusiast and aspiring journalist, “Joshua from Marion”…
Region C: Mike Felger (1) vs Chris Gasper (2) “I’m not gay or anything but my idol Michael Felger is one handsome mofo.” – Feb 29, 2024 “Gasper is such a fruitcake but I love him too.” – Dec 1, 2023
Region V: Tom E Curran (1) vs Dan Shaughnessy (6) “Good Saturday evening @tomecurran, just wanted to say I love your hard hitting and intense reporting. As someone who had hoped to be a journalist someday, I admire the way you go about craft. Go #Patriots tomorrow even tho the Colts will probably beat them. Take care man.” – Nov 11, 2023 “Only @Dan_Shaughnessy could bring more darkness to the airwaves of @985TheSportsHub than @adamjones985” – Aug 9, 2018
Region N: Mike Kadlick (16) vs Jim Murray (2) “Notice how there’s been zero response by @mikekadlick. There’s several reasons why. Shhhhhhhh you can hear the crickets once the facts come out. Sit down.” – Jan 7,2024 “@bigjimmurray I’ve met him before and he’s not a POS. He wasn’t putting on a front either. He’s said bad things, we’ve all said bad things but we shouldn’t crucify him for life because of it. I believe in forgiveness. I believe in humanity working things out. If not, hit the button already. – Mar 27, 2024
Region T: Tony Massarotti (1) vs Albert Breer (3) “Hey @TonyMassarotti, I know you’ve been getting a lot of shit lately from callers but never forget you are a great guy and talented individual. I’ve met you before at Newbury Comics and you were super classy and gracious. Most people don’t know the real you. – Nov 9, 2021 “I love me some Breer. He’s a true professional and although some of his predictions may be outlandish, he’s willing to sit and take the heat about them. ” – Oct 26, 2023
Remember to vote, and don’t forget to stop by your local parish and get your feet washed tonight!
Polls will stay open until Midnight EDT.
(Preview courtesy of Patrick from Andover del Norte.)
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Eight local mediots worthy of being judged the worst see their championship dreams crushed.
Tomorrow: The Hateable Eight.
Be ready.
Bruins with the spirited comeback in the face of adversity against a playoff bound Florida squad. You love to see it.
Jaylen always presses during Ramadan. They’ll be fine.
“Brings a lot of energy” is what you say when someone isn’t very talented.
I’m hearing whispers the Patriots were in on Jordan Montgomery.
Imagine losing a 4-leg parlay because the team you take on the money line blows a 30-POINT lead! I might blame it on my interpreter.
Robert Kraft saying adding a daycare to Gillette is an easy fix has real George Costanza claiming credit for designing the addition to the Guggenheim Museum energy.
Cakes are cooking for Tony Banks, Bobby Lalonde, Thomas Wassberg, Andrew Farriss, Ed Pinckney, Quentin Tarantino, Randall Cunningham, Xusa, Mariah Carey, Kirby Dar Dar, Fergie, Michael Cuddyer, Manuel Neuer, Buster Posey, Brenda Song, Jessie J, Kimbra, and Lalisa.
Coach Mayo is the Lourdes of verbal crutches.
I loved the old days when we didn’t know anything about athletes except the factoids you could glean from the backs of baseball cards- “In the off-season Harmon Killebrew enjoys hunting and fishing.”
Mike Greenberg crying because the Celtics lost on his birthday makes it a good loss.
So Ohtani found his former interpreter’s actions to be, uh, inscrutable?
Malcolm Butler would not have been cuffed & stuffed in Rhode Island if Bill had traded him to Seattle.
Orange Line Update: The work for Sunday, March 31, has been cancelled. Shuttle Buses will replace service between Forest Hills and Ruggles on Saturday, March 30, only.
There’s no candy more festive than an Easter bunny made of chocolate.
The NE Revolution have two Gils, which makes them amphibious.
If you put cayenne pepper in your bird feeders you won’t get squirrels and things (I know this sounds mortgage-free Western Mass as shit but it works)
Yet Boston still in more ways than one is home where my heart is.
Well you know just what you do to me.
The way you move soft and slippery.
Cut the night just like a razor.
Rarely talk and that’s the danger.
It’s the one thing.
You are my thing.
Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Those sunglasses look like they’re made of Spanx.”
Turns out little people have a short fuse.
Hip Drop Tackle? Was that the Cherry Poppin Daddies disappointing follow-up to Zoot Suit Riot?
Unless you watch the Red Sox regularly, it is impossible to explain how funny it is to watch Rafael Devers. He’s just unconsciously funny all the time.
Kicked it on NBA Today and Malika actually wasn’t in a pants suit. Would’ve lost that bet.
Yesterday was the worst thing to happen to Francis Scott Key since Carl Lewis. I hope the missing workers are ok.
Quality Iranian nougat is phenomenal.
Mars rules sports and athletics and competition. Caitlin Clark is an Aries Mars, which checks out when you hear her talk about getting kicked out of PE class as a child for being too competitive.
Bored of the life in the city of gold
He’d left and let nobody know
Gone were the towers he had known from a child
Alone with the dream of a life
He travelled the wide open road
The blinkered arcade
In search of another to share in his life.
Nowhere
Everyone looked so strange to him.
They’ve got no horns and they’ve got no tail
They don’t even know of our existence.
Am I wrong to believe in a city of gold?
That lies in the deep distance, he cried.
An awful lot had to break just right for UMass Men’s Hockey to back into the Tourney. Best of luck to them.
Honk if you remember Russell Stover premium pectin jelly beans.
How come when you ask a bartender to change the channel on the TV they look at you weird? Like, I’m asking you to press a button on a remote, not split an atom.
If you roll the ball in bounds it should be an automatic turnover.
The poor overworked WEEI Show Staff Picture graphics department.
The Red Sox; they might surprise.
Jake Rosenberg, salary cap executive and GM Howie Roseman’s longtime aide, is leaving the Philadelphia Eagles.
Oh look, Don Orsillo making a death about him.
I liked Keith Tkachuk but his kids are entitled assholes.
Mister Kraft misspoke when he said ‘girlfriend.’ He of course meant, ‘baby mama.’
Best bet for the weekend: Huskies. Not just a Toughskins size anymore.
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Old Friend Laszlo Panaflex, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Drank!
And happy Birthday to actress Elizabeth Mitchell and her versatile smirk, who you might remember from ‘Lost.” Or for other reasons.
Here they are. You voters have some difficult decisions to make.
Polls to remain open until Midnight. Or maybe a little later, for the voters in the panhandle.
Sent to us from Patrick in Andover del Norte:
Welcome to unHoly week! The Sour Sixteen, then The Hateable Eight, followed by Easter with the in-laws. I’m more excited than when I got that an 8-day late St. Patrick’s Day card.
Region C – Mike Felger (1) vs Shukri Wrights (NR) It’s a matchup of two carpetbaggers just trying to make it big in good old Beantown. We have the wild card, native New Yorker, and current Philadelphia resident, Shukri Wrights doing battle with the titan of New England sports media, Wisconsin’s own Michael Felger. It’s David vs Goliath, if Goliath was a cuckold germaphobe with granny glasses, and David was a walking malapropism cosplaying as a Bruins fan. Do your Bleav in Ramadan miracles? Me neither.
Chris Gasper (2) vs Rich Keefe (14) There’s no buzz about this matchup. Keefe has benefited from some weak competition in the first couple of rounds. Gasper has been quietly going about his business. He must be saving it for the regional final. Kid Gas low efforts his way through again.
Region V – Tom E Curran (1) vs Adam Jones (12) Jones has been getting more votes than he has listeners. It’s been a good run for the self-proclaimed “Sports Vulva”, but it ends here. Curran is the Carrot Top of the local hot takerz. He’s undoubtedly successful. He probably made you laugh once or twice 20 years ago, but now he’s just hanging on with the same old shtick and no one is quite sure how, or why. Tater Top moves on.
Dan Shaughnessy (6) vs Dan Lifshatz (2) It’s a Dan-off! If his latest column proves anything, it’s that Shank’s heart condition must be terminal. People will do/say/write the craziest things when they’re trying to avoid eternal damnation. I hope his Calling Hours don’t conflict with the Red Sox opener. In other Dan news, this weekend Lifshatz came out as anti-Caitlin Clark. He doesn’t “like the way she plays the game”. Too much flopping. I guarantee that no one ever saw Lifshatz flopping around on the University of Hartford’s tennis courts. Because he plays the game the right way? NO! Because he’s lying about playing Division 1 tennis! Lying Dan Lifshatz easily defeats the corpse of Dan Shaughnessy.
Region N – Mike Kadlick (16) vs Gabby Starr (13) Cinderfella vs Cinderella. Mike Kadlick recently gave a scouting report of Drake Maye. Since Kadlick “played” quarterback in college, you’d think maybe he’d make a salient observation. You would be wrong. Kadlick mentioned how Maye has a great arm and can throw to all three levels of the field. Kadlick then listed these levels as “left, right, and (long pause) center”. This is the kind of insight you get from a Division 3 scrub QB with a 47% completion percentage. Gabby Starr thankfully has not opined on the QB class of 2024. She’s been too busy basking in the afterglow of her brave pro-Tim Wakefield/anti-Curt Schilling article from last week. Say what you will about old Gabs, but she is willing to stick her nose in other people’s business. Hope may spring eternal, but I think Kadlick’s storybook run continues. (I’m literally crying while typing this.)
Mike Giardi (6) vs Jim Murray (2) A battle between two of the most thin-skinned Twitter tough guys in New England. If you haven’t been blocked by either of them, then you haven’t pushed back on one of their crappy opinions. Giardi is odious, but he is an irrelevant has been. Fired from the NFL Network, unwanted and unloved, with no employment opportunities, he finds himself clinging on to Greg Bedard as the remnants of his career quickly circle the drain. Jim Murray, and his deformed skull, are much more deserving off your scorn and your vote.
Region T – Tony Massarotti (1) vs Mark Daniels (5) UPSET ALERT! No one has been campaigning harder for votes in this tournament than Mark Daniels. Mortimer Snerd to Jonathan Kraft’s Edgar Bergen, Daniels has been mouthing the company line of the new look Patriots all across the Twitter-verse. Mazz is annoying, but he’s like stepping in dog shit annoying. Usually easily avoidable, but when he does get you, you’ve only got yourself to blame for walking into it. With the Red Sox irrelevant, and the Patriots in at least a two-year media gifted rebuilding grace period, don’t be surprised if the Beasley Media Group cost-cutters start taking a closer look at Mr. Massarotti.
Albert Breer (3) vs Andrew Callahan (2) There seem to be three kinds of people in sports media this millennia. The few who have beaten the odds and have an audience, the vast majority who are struggling for relevance, and the extremely lucky one’s who are trust fund kids who are “working” just to get out of the house. The later group can brush aside the lack of pay, because to them the exposure is the true reward. Something for mater and pater to brag about at the country club. Breer is the epitome of that group. He’s never had an interesting opinion or broken a story. Anything he writes or says is just the most banal of observations cloaked in faux insider double talk. He’s never had to worry about working for a living so he could afford to take no paying jobs and parlay them into airtime. He may be the most successful no talent in sports media. Andrew Callahan is a slug. He and the rest of his “media good guy” joy boys are in for a rude awakening. Callahan’s starts a little earlier than the others, as Breer breezes into the Hateable Eight.
Patrick is from Andover del Norte.
Tuesday March 26 – The Sour Sixteen
Thursday March 28 – The Hateable Eight
Monday April 1 – The Four You Deplore
Tuesday April 2 – Consolation Match
Thursday April 4 – Championship
The Sixteens, through the years:
We move on, with the sixteen mediots the voters have chosen. Next week.
I’m surprised Shohei Ohtani wasn’t aware that Asians love gambling.
The Celtics would have won by more if either or both of the Antetokounmpo brothers played last night.
Pastrnak has 19 career hat tricks? What a Good Kid he turned out to be.
You can tell by how the guy dribbles before taking the shot if random college basketball player X will drain the free throw.
Why wouldn’t a guy with a history of beard girlfriends also believe in ‘crisis actors?’
Put the Swifties in charge of finding out the truth about Kate Middleton. They’ll have the entire thing sorted and a song written about William inheriting the lying-n-cheating gene from his father before the Eras Tour streams.
What kind of maniac puts peanut M&Ms in cookies?
Aloha means ‘goodbye’. Aloha, Trent Brown.
Cakes are cooking for Tom Flores, Timothy Dalton, Gary Oldman, Lynn Mabry, Slim Jim Phantom, Matthew Broderick, Al Iafrate, Kenny Bräck, Large Professor, Vitaly Potapenko, Marit Bjørgen, Ronaldinho, Franck Perera, and Adrian Peterson.
Love the info. Did a freshman year speech class…speech on that stuff. Very complex. (may have worn IRA sweatshirt as kid)
Red Line Update: Delays of about 25 minutes due to an earlier disabled train at Alewife.
Turtleboy out there saying you shouldn’t harass strangers on the internet because it’s a miserable way to go through life. Okay.
Mike Williams is signing a one-year deal worth up to $15 million with the Jets, per source.
Sweet potatoes are so yummy.
Former Red Sox catcher Oscar Hernandez signed with the Staten Island Ferry Hawks of the Atlantic League today.
A lot of LLCs file in Delaware because of their corporate laws.
That new Husky dog mascot UConn has looks psychotic. Maybe the pup needs to grow into his face a bit.
311 makes Sublime looks like N.W.A.
Hey gang of good listeners! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “He could give aspirin a headache.”
I was the first person in my school (and possibly a much wider geographical area) who had Pogs. My cousin from Hawaii brought them on a visit like a year before they hit the States in full.
The Big East is 0-3 in the NIT after day one.
Since the MLB season stated last night, should I assume that the President was there to throw out the first pitch?
Fun Fact: Kirk Herbstreit’s dog hates him.
Please make a note that the Toucher & Hardy ‘March Flatness’ bit about small-breasted celebrities has been stealth-edited into ‘March Plainness’. Evidently multiple of the contestants are breast cancer survivors. I’m sure 98 point Finn is halfway thru his expose.
Did you know Pat Spencer played lacrosse?
I do enjoy a Fanta Orange on a hot summer day occasionally.
We’re coming up to Greg Hill’s seasonal best ratings period, the ‘My car radio was tuned to WEEI because I was listening to the Red Sox game the night before.’
Tapas, yum.
Read, Karen-ST, S 5’5″, 130 – limited athletically due to stiff hips which hinder her backpedal and driving ability. Wood Hauler’s ass not conducive to defensive backfield play. Big hitter who will kill you if she catches you in open road but tackling ability isn’t strong enough for in the box play. Too slow in coverage to have impact at next level.
Could we have kippers for breakfast?
Mummy dear, Mummy dear?
They got to have ’em in Texas,
‘Cos everyone’s a millionaire.
I’m a winner, I’m a sinner;
Do you want my autograph?
I’m a loser, what a joker,
I’m playing my jokes upon you,
While there’s nothin’ better to do…
Hey!
My cousin and her boyfriend just went to Brazil. He shows up to Sunday dinner, plunks down on the couch next to me and asks if I wanna look at his vacay pics. I point to the tv and said “no.” It’s Selection Sunday. Please. What’s with these people?
Vermont 4 Lexington 3. It’s a Cupset!
Bill Simmons reportedly producing Boston Celtics docuseries for Max.
Aaron Rodgers quitting the Jets to run for VP for the crackpot independent candidate married to Cheryl Hines is by far the best way to conclude CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM, kudos to Larry David for drawing this up.
Honk if you remember Hason Graham.
My two favorite Red Sox pitchers working in split squad games, both on TV. Bello is such a pleasure to watch pitch; always has been, from his first major league start. Tanner Houck is the guy I most root for, although sometimes it’s like rooting for a turtle to cross the road.
Why was Dart Adams excluded from the We Are the World documentary?
College basketball superfans are so weird. You’ve got 100 TV’s; one can be spared for golf and the group of people actually tipping their bartenders.
Real ones know to get the Kielbasa Reuben at Richard’s Grinders in West Springfield.
A five run first inning? Not the worst thing to ever happen to a Yamamoto.
We see it every year: a March Sadness competitor upping their game after they lose their matchup.
I heard Zach Edey just had another growth spurt and he’s 7’10” now.
Curt can’t make it for the Opening Day Ceremony, he’s getting his Luftwaffe uniforms let out that day.
Best bet for the weekend: Brackets. Ruined.
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. One Two Three Five!!
The 15 