The 15

If Shohei Ohtani had a sense of humor, he would have made his surprise announcement on December 7th.

Do you think that Bailey Zappe has blocked Dan Orlovsky’s phone number yet?

I’m being told #10 is not in fact Top 5.

Do New York Giants fans have a nickname for winning with Tommy DeVito yet? Like a Linsanity-type thing? If not, they should.

Malik Cunningham wasn’t even here long enough to be referred to as “the player”.

Dan here’s my message to the Red Sox and it’s as simple as it gets. Stop talking about doing things and do them in front of me and make me stop not believing that you don’t care about winning.

It’s the final two minutes of the game, it’s not The Purge, Mahomes. There are still rules.

Cakes are cooking for Dick Van Dyke, Lou Adler, John Davidson, Ferguson Jenkins, Skunk Baxter, Ted Nugent, Wendie Malick, Steve Forbert, Morris Day, Richard Dent, Bo Pelini, Josh Fogg, Amy Lee, Rickie Fowler, and Danielle Collins.

Plans for Ohtanis Japanese Steakhouse in the Big Concourse have been cancelled. Instead we’ll get Breslow’s Kosher scratch & dent knish cart.

The Steve McNair ottoman claimed another one. RIP, Frank Wycheck.

The Los Angeles Chargers at the Las Vegas Raiders sounds like it’s from Biff Tannen’s sports almanac.

There’s no vulture emoji.

Ohtani banked $700 million and immediately apologized for making people wait lmao imagine being that polite

Sal is The15’s Larry Flynt. Except that he’s crippled by gas station drugs.

Your Christmas lights temperature color is wrong.

Pat McAfee seems like a guy who has at least two stepfathers, has kids who have multiple stepfathers, and is a stepfather himself. #tanktops

The fact college hockey is on a break for exactly the time period I am back in New England is ruining my life.

Hey gang, this week’s phrase that pays is “Serbian stolen valor.”

Between MegO drinking Mountain Dew and convenience store energy drinks and hating all vegetables, she has to be the trashiest college women’s lacrosse player ever.

The Andelmans ruined the Three Stooges Marathon.

If you combine this IST championship with the Lakers bubble championship, that’s almost like one whole championship.

HAHAHAHAHA! Cutlets!!

Bobby Bonilla walked so Shohei could run faster than the speed of light.

Meet me in the middle of the day,
Let me hear you say everything’s okay.
Bring me southern kisses from your room.
Meet me in the middle of the night,
Let me hear you say everything’s alright,
Let me smell the moon in your perfume.

Oh, Gods and years will rise and fall
And there’s always something more.
It’s lost in talk, I waste my time
And it’s all been said before.
While further down behind the masquerade the tears are there.
I don’t ask for all that much I just want someone to care.
That’s right now.

I feel like every franchise needs a third-string QB that’s an egregious stereotype of the people who reside in the geographical area of the team.

Honk if you remember Mark Henderson.

If you think Belichick is terrible why does it matter where the draft pick is?

Max Strus looks like he sells MDMA.

There was a psychic named Criswell. No idea if he predicted the Red Sox signing a guy with the same name.

How many times in the last year have you ridden in an elevator?

I see this alot nowadays. I get in with 5mm of rubber covering everything but my eyes and nose. These people getting in bare is something to do with Wim Hof or cold therapy. Either way, it’s fucked.

Dan Orlovsky is the NFL’s Myrna Carter of advice giving.

I’m kind of disappointed that Kirsty MacColl couldn’t be bothered to show up at Shane MacGowan’s funeral.

No famous person has had a birthday in secret since the turn of the century.

Congratulations Joe Castiglione on winning the Frank Deford Award.

Baseball bat knob shot glasses!

Malik Willis and Malik Cunningham should join forces to create 3/5s of a good QB.

Detective Frank Pembleton could have gotten a confession out of Ray Ray. Gone too soon, Andre Braugher.

Best bet for the weekend: things could still change.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

The Patriots sucking might just flex some of these media losers out of jobs.

Dugie traded to New York? They’re obviously trying to launder the return on Mookie.

Someone has to be held accountable for losing the in-season tournament that I thought was a dumb idea until just recently. And that someone is Kornet.

This is of course payback for FSU stealing a national championship from Notre Dame in 1993.

“This Banton guy”. Says the guy whose name Felger nearly remembers.

Imagine wearing a ‘Big Dom’ sweatshirt and an attractive woman asks you what your shirt means and having to explain it.

Cakes are cooking for Dan Harrington, JoBeth Williams, Keke Rosberg, Thomas Hulce, Steven Wright, Peter Buck, Nick Park, David Lovering, Judd Apatow, Kevin Cash, CoCo Vandeweghe, Johnny Manziel, and Giannis Antetokounmpo.

Logan Paul needs better entrance music. Too generic for a big-name star.

Nothing says “moving on to the 21st century” quite like getting fired by NFL Network and then writing for Bedard’s shitty website.

Green Line: Service has resumed between Babcock St, Kenmore, Heath St and North Station. Trains will continue to bypass Haymarket Station through December 16 to allow for work on the Government Center Garage demolition.

The Reds moved up into the top 6 in MLB Draft Lottery, so the Red Sox stay at 12 even with the Mets falling back 10 slots. That jump up by the Reds cost the Red Sox at least $210,000 in bonus pool value (based off 2023 values).

Anyone else object to announcers at high school football games saying, “I hope you took the over?”

Also, it is just me, or has Sophia Jurksztowicz changed her appearance and primed for a network spot? She is an absolute pro on the hockey analysis side already.

Hey gang of bean counters! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “The last thing that tub of goo needs is more red meat.”

Ohio State QB Kyle McCord has entered his name into the transfer portal.

“You are a bad sandwich like the one in Minority Report” is a very very solid niche comeback.

I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… perhaps you’ve seen it?

Nicholas Judice, one of the pitchers who the Red Sox received in the Alex Verdugo trade, is 6 foot 8.

I’m hearing whispers MMFR1 has never not been disappointed by a scone.

Oh, pipe down, Dark Bertrand.

Something that never existed cannot recur.

I just want Shohei to go where he’s most comfortable. There; I said it.

Honk if you enjoy a Gershwin tune.

It took me way too long to realize Joaquin Wilde was DJZ in Impact.

Cris Collinsworth owns PFF and every time he appears on national television, he devalues his investment.

People comparing Giannis to Shaq in any way need to calm down.

Wow, you thought you heard ‘Fairytale of New York’ during December a lot before!

I saw the sign
And it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign.
Life is demanding without understanding.

I saw the sign
And it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign.
No one’s gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong;
But where do you belong?

So I had trouble sleeping last night, or so I thought. Turns out I was dreaming that I couldn’t get to sleep. Got in some good delta wave sleep. I woke up confused but refreshed.

Joe Mauer is an obvious Hall of Famer. That is all.

The good news is if Bill Belichick wins three more games this season, he gets to take Coach Prime’s spot as Sporthuman of the Year.

A: Gifts are multiples of 18 because 18 is the number of life or lucky number.

The Verdugo trade is about the best prospect they got back. Insight like that is why Lou Merloni makes the big money.

‘Gaylord Opryland’ was also one of Upton Bell’s P-Town stage names.

It would be epic if the Trev Lawrence injury opened up an opportunity for a quarterback of colorrrrr

The tongs silenced Big Jim’s dad. RIP.

What do we think of Rhode Island FC’s kit reveal yesterday? Let us know in the comments.

Tanking and sucking are not synonyms.

Did Von Miller bribe the League Suspension Man like he did the Piss Man?

Best bet for the weekend: More than six total points getting scored in the Army-Navy Game.

Material from interviews, wire services, X FKA Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Steven Wright, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Your head will collapse, and there’s nothing in it. And you’ll ask yourself-Where is my mind?

Not sure what the value is in running a fake sports website, Sports Illustrated.

It took a 7’3″ blindingly white guy for Jaylen to finally be able to see an open teammate.

MegO is such trash drinking some shady energy drink. To roll into work at 1 PM.

Dolly Parton! Now there’s somebody who’s having a life. So impressive.

Are you hearing the Red Sox are in on everyone? Because I’m hearing the Red Sox are in on everyone.

You hire a guy with the name Eberflus and you deserve what you get.

So the Barstool Crew flew to Ann Arbor to watch the Michigan-Ohio State game in an office park?

Bench guys need to bring the psycho energy.

Cakes are cooking for John Mayall, Chuck Mangione, Suzy Chaffee, Jerry Lawler, Barry Goudreau, Howie Mandel, Neal Broten, Rich Camarillo, Don Cheadle, Dee Brown, Jonathan Knight, Mariano Rivera, Anna Faris, Russell Wilson, and Stefon Diggs.

Does anybody call Marvin Harrison Jr. ‘Maserati Marv’ besides Gus Johnson?

There is no bigger cluster fuck than that 146/95/State Offices split in the history of US highways.

Are We Finally Ready For Roman Style?

The NHL should take a page out of the NBA’s book and have the Bruins host an in-season tourney at Hockey Town USA.

When have we ever claimed to be above the fray? We live for the fray!

Zach Edey is Mandarin-Canadian for Hasheem Thabeet.

Would it be a uniform violation to let Mac Jones wear a red non-contact jersey under his gameday uni top?

So Connor Bedard’s mother is a whore and it’s the Blackhawks’ fault?

You ate ten stuffed mushrooms! You did!!

If you’re a team in the Central and you don’t claim Corey Perry then what the fuck are we even doing?

Green Line Reminder: Service is suspended from North Station to Babcock St (B), Kenmore (C + D), and Heath St (E) through December 5. Use Buses for service to Back Bay, and Orange Line for service downtown.

Goaltender Jeremy Swayman returns to the Bruins lineup Thursday vs San Jose. Swayman was pulled from the lineup during his most recent start.

Dave Brown’s surprise return to Entitled Town was copied by the WWF having MC Pank or whoever come back.

They got the logo on the side of this new building now and it’s giving me major Decepticon vibes. I hope we weren’t working for Megatron this whole time.

Hey gang of gustatory gourmands, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Go get a roast beef sandwich and calm down.”

Is there a better name for a running back then Gainwell?

Kratom? At 7-Eleven?

SI probably should have known Olivia0917693516 didn’t actually write those articles.

It takes a really skilled addict to find a way to OD at the exact moment you happen to have your neck pinned to the pavement.

Someone should tell the Celtics there’s money on the line before every game.

And when you get it
It makes you feel good.
You don’t regret it
But maybe you should.

Just face the music
Or turn away.
Just face the music
You can run or stay.

Narrator: The Kansas City Chiefs team colors are NOT and have never been black and red.

Every new country artist my wife listens to has a name like a jobber that Jeff Hardy would beat on a non-TV match.

Tom Brady doesn’t look so good; you don’t suppose he grew into an avocado allergy, do you?

Honk if you remember Ernie and the Automatics.

“Fat Lunatic Tells Mayor to ‘Go Back to China’” probably would have made the news.

Jets opening Aaron Rodgers’ 21-day practice window. WOW.

If the Celtics win this in season tournament, they’ll get shit on for blowing their wad in December. If they get knocked out, it’ll be ‘you just showed that once again you can’t deliver in high pressure games’. There are zero possible outcomes for this where Celtics will avoid getting attacked. It’s a toxic media market’s wet dream.

Does wearing Flex Seal cause brain damage?

Hey Adam Silver, great job on the in-season tournament! Keep it up, fammo. People notice!

Lotta dudes who won absolutely nothing for 20 years during the Patriots dynasty suddenly have a lot to say now that the Patriots are trash for the first time since Y2K and Tom Brady’s retired.

Kudos on the Thanksgiving Friday news dump about the fender bender, Mayor Wu. Well played.

Bowl-bound BC Football.

Are people going to get Peacock so they can watch Bills-Chargers?  Oh, wait you get a Melissa McCarthy movie?  Now I’m in!

All the best to Mike Shildt with the Padres. The Padres are a little hard to root for, with their approach of trying to steal everybody else’s favorite player and pretend they add up to a team, but . . .I hope Shildt lasts there 20 years and wins some big ones.

Best bet for the weekend: More attempts by the local media to Inception RKK into firing Belichick.

Material from interviews, wire services, X FKA Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Old Friend Lebron, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Cool the engines. Cool the engines down.

Charissa Thompson isn’t the first to spill too much personal information in an effort to impress Big Cat.

Jack Edwards speaks like he’s hitting the middle button on predictive text.

The Celtics have the best record in the league, a historically great net rating, new stars who look great with the team, returning stars who are playing well, leveled up coaching, and our fans on twitter are spending the day insulting each other. God Bless America.

WEEI seems at peace with never coming close to respectable ratings.

I’m more and more impressed each time I hear Drew Carter call a Celtics road game. This dude knows everything about the team and both its current and former players, as if he’s been around the organization for years. He JUST got here! Wildly impressive.

Milan Lucic tasteless joke goes here.

Why does Bill Burr make 1000x more sense than any person in the sports media?

Cakes are cooking for Terry Gilliam, Guion Bluford, Billie Jean King, Yvan Cournoyer, Steven Van Zandt, Tina Weymouth, Lyman Bostock, Jamie Lee Curtis, Steve DeOssie, Hugh Millen, Mads Mikkelsen, Sen Dog, Boris Becker, Sharin Foo, Joe Nathan, Shawn Fanning, Oscar Pistorius, and Hailey Baldwin.

I am not sure if I wanna live in a world where Hall and Oates don’t get along.

They killed JFK because he was about to reveal NFL Secrets!

GLX Reminder: Shuttle buses will replace Green Line service between North Station and Medford/Tufts from 8:45 PM to the end of service, Nov 27- Dec. 10, due to track work. Union Square riders should use Bus routes 86, 87, or 91 to connect to shuttles or Orange Line service.

There’s no more try-hard move than the Italians bringing out their lasagna and red sauce for Thanksgiving prior to the meal. We get it, your great-grandparents fucked on a peninsula, congrats.

Looking forward to the 2024 draft, Michael Penix Jr. looks to be the next Davis Mills.

Hey gang of sports bettors, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Whole fit is fire.”

Milan Lucic tasteless joke #2 goes here.

RKK and not BB made the decision to go year-to-year on TB12’s contract? An image that comes to mind is John Henry awkwardly hugging John Lester. Although in this case it’s Kraft wearing a puffy jacket made by one of his rapper friends.

Honk if you remember Aldous Huxley.

Shots on Thanksgiving for the Bruins?! OMG yes! LOL

So what I’m hearing is the Steelers organization decided to…blame Canada? (David Caruso sunglasses GIF)

“I like what Dallas did.” Sirhan Sirhan.

Aly, walk with me in the summer.
Aly, walk with me.
Aly, walk with me in Portland.
Aly, walk with me.

Aly walks with me in my dreams;
So strange and true.
Can I walk with you in Portland
Walk next to you?

Don’t buy a giant TV to replace your slightly smaller giant TV, get a mattress and boxspring like an adult, stupid.

“Ghastly” is an underused word.

Let’s see. . .you have an old, injury-prone player who is God Awful Slow, doesn’t play defense, hits around .200 with nearly 2 strikeouts for each hit. . ..and saying that he probably won’t play every game next year is controversial?

Milan Lucic tasteless joke #4 goes here.

The package stores will be closed across the Commonwealth tomorrow for the same reason we have the worst sports fans in the country.

A game-time decision for Antonio Gibson…

Are the Eddie Andelman Sports Huddle gobbles logarithmically scaled, like the Richter magnitude scale? Two gobbles being ten times worse than one gobble?

Best bet for the weekend: Lots of viewers for the Pats/Giants tilt, but not for the reason you think!

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, several Old Friends, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. We reserve the right to update this column later in the day.