Author Archives: TheIntern15

March Sadness Wild Card Play-In Monday Previews

Sent to us from Patrick in Andover del Norte:

Welcome to Wildcard Monday!

I was hoping we could get Lucy Burdge to make these picks whilst sashaying through a parking garage, but apparently the budget was blown on AI Trump. Alas, there’s nothing left to splash out on Lucy and her Flex Seal pants. To the match-ups…

Gratuitous? Perhaps.

Region C: Steve Buckley vs Shukri Wright(s) Steve Buckley? Now, that’s a name I’ve not heard in a long time You may remember him from his many stints on WEEI in the late 90s or for his often-recycled columns in the Herald. Now apparently he works as the caretaker for the estate of Donnie Beardsley. Buck is up against a relative newcomer to the Boston sports scene, Shukri Wrights (it maybe Wright, nobody is sure – especially Shukri). Shukri, a NYC native who moved to Boston in 2017, is a lifelong diehard Boston sports fan, that is if you believe life starts at 30. Shukri’s greatest success has come by cosplaying a Bruins fan, which he has been able to parlay into many non-paying jobs at numerous faux media outlets. Does Shukri have what it takes to advance to the round of 64? Do you Bleav in miracles? Buck vs Shuk, should be an old fashioned Pierre Nightmare!

Adama Sanogo!

Region V: Dan Greenberg vs Henry McKenna For all the pants pissing he does during each and every Celtics game, Dan’s Twitter handle should be changed to SoilieYellowStain. I guess Dan just cares more, and he’s not afraid to show it! Performative fanning at its finest. Henry McKenna is a milquetoast nobody. Went from http://Boston.com to Fox Sports where he now covers the AFC East and not just the Patriots. He grew a mustache to cover up the fact that he has no upper lip. Punch Greenberg’s ticket to the big dance.

Okay

Region N: John Karalis vs Gethin Coolbaugh There was a real danger of the Boston Sports Journal being over-represented in the tournament given their extremely low subscriber to “people who give a shit” ratio. So it’s glad to see that these two bald losers have to battle it out for inclusion. Karalis, he of the scrubbed Twitter timeline, has been barely hanging on to the periphery of the Boston sports scene for years. Still pretending to cover the Celtics, and still no one noticing. Coolbaugh is a complete unknown. Nobody heard of him before Bedard hired him, and nobody has heard of him since Bedard hired him. His Twitter profile picture is himself next to a giant oversized prop microphone, insinuating that he is on the radio. It’s most likely a Rupert Pupkin situation, with Gethin “broadcasting” from his mother’s basement to her weekly bridge group. Based on reviewing their Twitter interactions, Karalis should win this by a total vote count of 1 to 0.

Gethin will shave his facial hair into a ‘G’ if he wins today.

Region T: Courtney Cox vs Cerrone Battle How often do you think Courtney Cox is greeted by disappointed faces when they find out she’s not THE Courtney Cox? 99% or is it actually 100%? I’m told that she’s part of Greg Hill’s Morning Zoo on WEEI, and to be honest I’ve never heard her. All I know if that she is not THE Courtney Cox, and for that I am disappointed. Ten years ago Cerrone Battle’s Twitter timeline was awash with Tweets rightfully calling out Felger and Mazz for their borderline racist comments. After Mazz crossed the border last year, the 98.5 higher ups were desperately scrambling to find “a couple of guys like that” to provide cover for their hosts more colorful comments. Welcome to the 98.5 family Cerrone, just stay away from Felger’s car. Is Cerrone Battle a sellout? Will he advance? That’s for you the voting public to decide.

Not Courtney’s fault.

Patrick is from Andover del Norte.

March – TO’s & Three’s – Celtics Column

Too soon? Don’t care.

Very rarely can you accurately pinpoint when a team is in the middle of something extremely special. Yes, the Celtics have not won the title – yet. But they are winning in such a dominating fashion they aren’t just the favorites to win the championship, but to be a team we hold in high regard for decades after the fact.

Boston’s net rating sit at 11.6, sandwiched between the 2016-17 Golden State Warriors and 2015-16 San Antonio Spurs for fourth best in the history of the league. For even more context the 2007-08 Celtics net rating was 11.2. But let’s focus on the fact the Celtics have compiled a team that statistically rivals the Kevin Durant GSWarriors. They won 67-games that year and everyone still believes they were pacing themselves, they were that good – and the Celtics are in their company for this regular season.

Sit back and really bask in this glory for the fleeting moments we have it. For even if it does not end the way we wish it to, you’ll kick yourself for focusing only on the destination and ignoring the fruits of the journey.

If they are able to close the deal then I can say not only was this the best Celtics team of my life time, but perhaps of all-time. While Jayson Tatum is no Larry Bird, and Kristaps Porzingis is no Bill Russell, what this team provides is the best elements of the 1986 and 1962 teams and super charges them and even makes the greats look human by comparison. 

‘I wouldn’t go that far, Tone.’

The ability to go five-out and have your only non floor spacer be Luke Kornet is embarrassing. Having Jrue Holiday, the No. 3 option on a title team act as your No. 5 is embarrassing. Having 2nd Team All-NBAer Jaylen Brown as your No. 3 is embarrassing. The fact Jayson Tatum doesn’t even have to force his hand and can walk into any shot he wants is embarrassing. Brad Stevens found his Dennis Johnson in Holiday. He couldn’t find his Bill Russell, but Yao Ming with a 3-point shot in Porzingis will suffice. 

Normal teams don’t get to survive slumps from their player and still win by 20. They don’t spank a Warriors team rediscovering their mojo by 52. They don’t go 12-4 over the first 49-games, then win 11 in a row. Speaking of the win streak, some fun stats to put into perspective this recent stretch of excellence: Top average margin of victory ever during a win streak of at least 10 games (+22.1 during 11-game streak); Top average scoring margin over any six-game span in NBA history (+29.8) – Per Marc D’Amico on Twitter/X. 

Leave Jaylen open?

Brown is making a case for All-NBA, his post-All Star break run averaging 27.2/5.8/3.4 on 59.5/45.2/73 shooting splits averaging 9.6 points in the frst quarter. He may not be Tommy Heinsohn, or Kevin McHale, but rich man’s Vinnie Johnson is more than enough for me. 

Porzingis’ All-NBA case grows by the day, as it is becoming increasingly evident, he is the No. 2 behind Tatum. He is averaging 20/7/2 on 66 True Shooting %. His net ratings are nearly identical to Tatum (+11 ON +8 OFF) only behind White with a crazy (+13.3 ON, + 5 OFF) much higher than Brown (+8.7 ON, +13.3 OFF) Add to that he’s also having one of his best defensive seasons in his career on top of this great offensive season.

It’s an embarrassment of riches and the reason I implore you to put your fears aside is even if they do hurt you in the end, the feeling of loss will remain the same regardless you brace for it now or later. 

This team is TOO TALENTED for even a willing-to-spend owner to keep together. When the time comes to break them up it’s likely that Brown will be replaced by an in-house player or someone from the bargain bin because that’s what happens when your best players are making “too much”. It’s not bad cap management, it’s just the God’s honest truth; great teams cost money. The Warriors are on the back end of their run because their best players are on the back-nine eating up a large sum of the pie. And that’s not a bad thing. It’s the natural cycle of contention. What matters is you make the right bets in the end. 

Vinny Jace appears on the Entitled Weekend podcast. He does not live in mortgage-free Western Mass.

Football Cat’s Super Bowl Picks

Biggest Sportsing Day of the Year, so far.

49ers (-2) at Chiefs in Las Vegas

Patrick Mahomes has more lives than a cat, but I can’t pick against Brock Purrrdy. Competent game management wins Soupeys. So there.

My SB MVP Pick? former Panther Christian McCaffrey

Halftime performance cameo appearance with Usher? Doja Cat.

Best SB commercial: Hellmann’s ‘Mayo Cat’

Mayo Cat

Thanks to all the humans who assisted in me making my picks this year. Except when they steered me into the wrong team. Hiss! Let’s do this next season! Unless I don’t want to.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s NFL Conference Championship Picks

Football Cat would knock Will McDonough into a laundry cart.

Four teams, two games. Football Cat predicted three correctly last week. Let’s go!!!

SUNDAY SNACKTIME

Chiefs at Ravens (-3.5)

Don’t like it, but gotta do it.

Missouri has bobcats and mountain lions, Maryland only bobcats. But the Evil Birds are evil and will prevail.

SUNDAY DINNERTIME

Lions at 49ers (-7)

Jungle Kings versus Purrrdy and his Prospectors. The heart wants the felines to win, but the head will stick with San Francisco.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Divisional Round NFL Playoff Picks

Football Cat knows football.

If you followed my betting advice last week I hope you bought yourself something pretty.

SATURDAY SUNSET

Texans at Ravens (-9.5)

Wildcatting Texans look good. Evil Birds are evil. I like the upset.

SATURDAY PROWLTIME

Packers at 49ers (-9.5)

Prospectors Prepared for Packers.

SUNDAY NAPTIME

Buccaneers at Lions (-6.5)

Pewts versus Pumas. Can’t pick against a cat team at this point in the season.

No salty privateers would willingly tangle with this Lion.

SUNDAY SUPPERTIME

Chiefs at Bills (-2.5)

Bisons lose because of penalties called on their idiot fans throwing snowballs, and worse.

Football Cat’s Super Wild Card Weekend NFL Picks

Wild Cards or wild cats?

Football Cat has graciously agreed to work the playoffs after very successful regular season. And so:

SATURDAY SUNSET

Browns (-2.5) at Texans

Tricksters versus wildcatters. ‘Stroud’ sounds like a cat warning growl, ‘Flacco’ sounds like one coughing up a hairball. Texans win.

SATURDAY PROWLTIME

Dolphins at Chiefs (-4.5)

Stupidly cold weather favors neither team. So playoff experience wins out. Kansas City gets the W.

If there are any other cheapskates interested in watching the Chiefs-Dolphins game you can get Peacock for free if you sign up for a free 2 week trial of Instacart+ (whatver that is). You don’t need to give them any real info, I just signed up with my burner email address and a fake name; I used’Morris Katz.’

SUNDAY SUNSET

Packers at Cowboys (-7.5)

Cows undefeated at home. Will that matter? Of course it will! Big D big W.

SUNDAY PROWLTIME

Rams at Lions (-3)

Sorry Shovey Sheep, but this is the only cat team in the playoffs. I’m going to be parochial.

MONDAY SUNSET

Steelers at Bills (-10)

Bisons don’t deserve to win after getting the game moved because of snow. But deserve got nothing to do with it.

Snow Cat. See what I did there?

MONDAY PROWLTIME

Eagles (-3) at Buccaneers

Buccaneers have momentum, Philly does not. The Pewter Privateers win at home.

Egads.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 18 NFL Picks

Get. Yer. Ress.

Lots of teams resting starters in advance of the playoffs this week. I can understand that.

SATURDAY SUNSET

Steelers (-4) at Ravens

Will the Evil Birds take the gaspipe in the hopes the spirits conspire to keep Buffalo out of the ‘yoffs? Yes.

SATURDAY PROWLTIME

Texans (-1) at Colts

Wildcat Texans round up the Little Horsies.

SUNDAY LUNCHTIME

Buccaneers (-4.5) at Panthers

Bad year for the luckless Black Cats ends as it began.

Browns at Bengals (-7)

Stripey Cats are desperate, Browns have put the bag of tricks away until the playoffs. Cincy wins.

Vikings at Lions (-3.5)

Jungle Kings don’t want to go 3-3 in the division and won’t.

Jets at Patriots (-2)

Prediction: Pats Pirouette Past Planes

Falcons at Saints (-3)

The animals of God’s creation inhabit the skies, the earth, and the sea. They share in the ways of human beings. They have a part in our lives. Francis of Assisi recognized this when he called the animals, wild and tame, his brothers and sisters. Nevertheless, Saints win.

Jaguars (-5) at Titans

Spotted Cats disrespect the Titans.

Seahawks (-2.5) at Cardinals

Cardinals are real birds. Seahawks are not. Nevertheless, the False Birds win.

SUNDAY SUNSET

Bears at Packers (-3)

Da. Bears. Da Win.

Chiefs at Chargers (-3.5)

Chiefs win because of course they do.

Broncos at Raiders (-3)

This is the game that ends in a tie.

Eagles (-5) at Giants

Any NFC East team can beat any other NFC East team. Giants prove this in bad weather against the Phils.

Rams at 49ers (-4)

No Brock Purrdy, no matter? Not if the Shovey Sheep have anything to say about it. Rams win.

Cowboys (-4) at Commanders

Cowpokes want the #2 Seed. Won’t need much fancy ropin’ to get it.

SUNDAY PROWLTIME

Bills (-3) at Dolphins

Prediction: Payables Pork Porps.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

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