Originally published on the BSMW Message Board July 12, 2011
(From the unsold pilot episode of SportsDad)
TITLE CARD: There are over 50,000 known douchebags in Massachusetts. The highest concentration, live in this 750 square foot apartment.
FADE IN:
EXT. BOSTON – DAY
We fly over the Boston Garden, heading toward the Charles River, before making a sharp right to the Northeast. Charlestown.
CUT TO:
INT. CHARLESTOWN APARTMENT – DAY
We see a young boy laying face down on a couch. The door to the apartment opens and BILL SIMMONS JR, 9, lifts his head. His nose is bloodied, the couch stained. He rises and attempts to hide the evidence with a pillow. WILLIAM SIMMONS SR 38, enters the living room carrying three lunch pails. He’s a ghastly sheepdog of a man.
BILL SR What have you been doing in here?
BILL JR I…too many men…in
He stifles a cry.
BILL SR In what? Your pants? Too many men in your pants!?
BILL JR On! On the ice! Too many men on the ice!
BILL SR They broke our hearts?
<beat>
BILL SR and BILL JR (together) AGAIN!
Bill Sr reaches over and ruffles his son’s hair.
BILL SR Cheer up son, that Bird fellow is going to start playing for the Celtics in the fall and I’ve got a feeling he’s going to be something special.
BILL JR Why’s that dad?
BILL SR He’s gritty. Hard-nosed. Hard working. Like us.
Bill Jr thinks for a second and starts to nod his head.
BILL JR Like us.
<beat>
Hey dad?
BILL SR Yes?
BILL JR Can I go over to Patrick Beverly’s to play? *
Shertenlieb to WZLX? Our short, regional nightmare is finally over. But will the wacky bits work sandwiched between Meatloaf and Molly Hatchet? Enjoy obscurity.
You all want Tatum to be a point guard. Don’t @ me.
Mmmm, meatloaf sandwich.
Upton Bell was still working in football the last time the Knicks won a title.
Boy that Gorman “goodnight,” huh? That’s one you don’t forget.
Watching Lohrei handle the puck immediately after Wotherspoon is hilarious. It’s like they play different sports.
Why are the refs so deferential to Denver? It makes zero sense.
Cakes are cooking for Gary Glitter, Chris Frantz, Mike D’Antoni, Philip Bailey, Alex Van Halen, Bill Cowher, Lovie Smith, Ronnie Lott, Melissa Gilbert, Omar Camporese, Hiromi Arakawa, Enrique Iglesias, Jussi Markkanen, Joe Bonnamassa, John Maine, Adrian Gonzalez, Kemba Walker, and Olivia Culpo.
Kobe anally raped a woman, but Pat Bev was mean to the middle-aged lady. He should leave.
The Mets are like the lottery one day you win big and the next day you lose a lot.
Jalen Brunson looks like Abby Chin without makeup.
OK, I think the Tom Brady roast went way over the top on a few of the jokes. And I’d like to get a count on F-bombs at some point. Mostly funny, but I hope unsuspecting parents didn’t let the kids watch it in the early PM thinking it would be the usual hero worship for TB12.
They fired the reigning In Season Tournament winning coach? Odd. And sad.
Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Are you going to spend vacation watching a trial on your phone?”
Macklin Celebrini? That’s not a hockey player name, that’s the name of an advertising agency.
It’s free to subscribe to Pat Bev’s podcast. That lady was just being difficult.
What do people even do with bookmarks?
Tatum is gonna have to take over one of these times and steal us a game. Or perhaps even steal us a series. Or neither, seeing as basketball is a team sport.
How much at auction would Darren pay for ‘genuine human emotions?’
Carlo has a kid – flies in late, plays, scores. Rudy Gobert has a kid- smokes weed, goes on the ‘Gram, misses game(s).
Hope Keith Foulke is happy that he lost a fan!
Red Line Reminder: May 11-12 (This Weekend) Shuttle Buses replace service between Broadway and North Quincy due to bridge and track work. Regular Red Line service will operate between Ashmont and JFK/UMass during this work.
Jamal Murray looks like an extra in Raid on Entebbe.
Carl Yastrzemski. I stood next to him once at a store. There were a handful of men there. None of us spoke to him, though he gave me a head nod. I know he is a man and yet somehow, we all knew that he is more than that. He quietly disappeared from the store as if he was an apparition.
The Indianapolis Star’s Gregg Doyel is in the middle of a two-week suspension after the Caitlin Clark press-conference controversy. He will not cover any Fever games live this summer.
Shukri must be the Philly equivalent of Charlie on the MTA. All abroad!
Pitchbots are a stain on the beautiful troll community.
My kid just walked into the room. Sees Leafs vs. Bruins warming up on TV. “What? It’s boy’s hockey” with full indignation. “Why isn’t there girl’s hockey on?” She’s 5 and will never know a world where we can’t just turn our TV on and see pro women’s hockey players, and I love it.
Why does Kenny Smith need to have a video if all he’s doing is counting to 12?
Friends say it’s fine, friends say it’s good. Everybody says it’s just like Robin Hood. I move like a cat, talk like a rat, sting like a bee. Babe, I’m gonna be your man.
It’s plain to see, You were meant for me. Yeah, I’m your boy, Your 20th century toy.
Kendra Middleton’s peanut allergy story was lifted straight out of the film Fallen.
PWHL Boston – playoff bound.
Mutnansky is still in Monte Carlo playing baccarat with his Kentucky Derby winnings, right?
Just say you don’t know the joke. It’s OK.
If you take Aiden the Turtleboy’s place in line for the Karen Read case, he’s gonna kick you out of the Lollipop Guild.
Sears has medicine balls on sale today. Great prices.
Does interviewing Samir Suleiman satisfy the Rooney Rule the way having Brandon Hunt in for an interview does?
Honk if you remember the Dunkin coffee coolatta.
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Love that there’s more outrage about Pat Beverly being mean to a reporter than there is about him beaning a woman in the crowd in the head with a basketball.
No, you did not ‘catch a stray’ during the Tom Brady Roast.
I can take 30 Minions right now and throw them in the NFL. You cannot take 30 NFL players and put them in the Minion Ice Cave. jmt
ACAB and ‘bitch clearly did it’ are not mutually exclusive thoughts.
What is it with Kennedys always losing part of their brains?
Best bet for the weekend: packed brunch spots on Mother’s Day.
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Mitch Hedberg, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. What you gonna do when you get out of jail?
And a happy birthday to Josie Maran, SI swimsuit model, actress and skincare & cosmetics entrepreneur.
“Jeff Ross is so ugly not even Mengele would operate on him.”
I hope Alex Guerrero can cure whatever cancer Jeff Ross has.
Kevin Hart, I loved him as that elf in Bad Santa. He should have tried being funny last night.
Nikki Glaser did her homework and knew the guy Gisele is fucking teaches jiu jitsu, not karate. No hill run for her.
How is Drew Bledsoe funnier than actual comedians?
What’s the deal with trans Urkel? Oh, the deal is she is actually funny. Refreshing!
“I don’t know much about football, but I did spend a night on Revis Island!”
That pair of comedians set was less funny than McNally and Jastremski.
Oh great, Ron Burgundy. This bit certainly hasn’t gotten old. Will is lost without Adam McKay.
Dana White couldn’t find two UFC fighters to sit at his table who could pass for straight? What is this, the octagon, or The Birdcage?
Did Matt Chatham make the trip, or was there a rub signing at Wegmans?
“Tom’s taking such a beating tonight; they should change his name to ‘Ted Johnson’s Wife.’”
They needed to factor in more applause time for Belichick.
The audience really didn’t like Aaron Hernandez jokes. His feelings can’t get hurt.
Some Andy Reid clock management by Gronk for his segment.
Ben Affleck’s worst performance since Phantoms.
“Tara Reed’s tits think the docs botched your face, Tom.”
The joke should have been Tom would have confessed to deflating the footballs for ten million dollars.
All the gay jokes landed because being a homo is bad. What?
Schefty doesn’t really believe Tom admitted doing IT, he is just protecting ESPN’s tarnished reputation.
“And Dana White is here, Hi Dana! There’s been a lot of jokes about my ex-wife tonight, but Dana has been happily married for 25 years. I guess the secret is you gotta slap them every once in awhile. Damn, I should have tried that.”
Even if you only read body language at a Rob Gronkowski-level, it was thuddingly obvious Bill wanted absolutely nothing to do with that toast at the podium with Bob.
Mr Kraft, he didn’t look great last night. Made Jeff Ross look like Edelman by comparison. Do they make Yeezy’s with those Joe Biden no-trip soles?
I needed like 30 more massage parlor jokes.
Assembled from the instant reactions of #the15. AregularSports Junk Drawer will appear on its usual day.
Every quip on Twitter by a broad talking about what an Uber driver “said” to them is made up. Every single one.
What if the Toronto Polar bear has a humiliation fetish? Way to kink shame.
Dave O’Brien still can’t stop talking about a pitcher’s tempo even though there’s a pitch clock.
Jayson Tatum is Tatuming.
So we have one eyeshadow guy that likes the Patriots draft thus far, and one that hates it.
Maple Leaf Square should be renamed “Staple Loss Square” with how many times the Leafs get their lunch handed to them by the Bruins in the playoffs.
Did SkyCrepers pull out of sponsoring the Rich Keefe All Night Draft Party?
Brad’s going to trade that Executive of the Year Award for two second round picks and then turn those picks and an expiring contract into a 2027 first.
Cakes are cooking for Frank Beard, Rita Coolidge, Joanna Lumley, John Woo, Jerry Heard, Douglas Barr, Paul Teutul, Sr., Dann Florek, Ray Parker Jr, Nick Feldman, Dick Swett, Eddie Johnson, Steven Cauthen, Gary Clark, Yvonne von Gennip, Tim McGraw, Yael Arad, Bryan Marchment, Wes Anderson, Alex Van Pelt, Stuart Appleby, Curtis Martin, Wes Welker, David Backes, Ryan Matthews, Marcus Stroman, Anfernee Jennings, and Charli D’Amelio.
I’m sure Durant will be happy on the next team he goes to.
Hey gang of supplicants and courtiers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “You sound like a bafoon.”
I ain’t calling some other dude Kool-Aid.
Oatmeal raisin cookies are the identity thieves of the cookie world. From a distance you think they’re chocolate. Adrenaline spikes in anticipation of chocolatey morsels and that refreshing swig of ice-cold milk. Then you get nearer and realize you’ve been bamboozled. Crushing!
Are the rappers fighting again?
The smartest thing to ever come out of Lucy’s mouth is Curtis’s dick.
Folks, this should probably be pretty self-evident, but, for the record; I have 2FA enabled on literally everything I have setup in my life (which alerts me to login attempts or resets). Please, do not violate the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act of 1996. I will report it. K? Thx.
WEEI fired Kadlick the day before the Draft Party. You’d have to have a heart of stone not to laugh.
No Bron-Bron?
What’s this about Coach Mayo having a mural of himself depicted as a centaur installed in Gillette?
Red Line Reminder: May 2-10 Shuttle buses will replace Red Line service all day between Park Street and JFK/UMass due to track work. Shuttle service extends to Ashmont after 8:30 PM each day through May 9.
Aloha means goodbye. Norman Esiason, Aloha.
Marquette WBB junior wing Lee Volker has withdrawn her name from the portal.
Them Red Sox, they could continue to surprise!
We as a society do not give enough credit to the Reese’s Take 5 as one of our most superior candy innovations.
“Brainteaser” stumping everybody on Wheel of Fortune is a little too on the nose.
I won a really snazzy record player at an event for my grammar school. Which is really cool but now I need to buy records. Thinking ‘Nebraska’ or ‘Born to Run’ for my first purchase. Feels like a whole new world – straight back to my childhood.
The others were untrue But when it came to lovin’ you I’d spend my whole life with you ‘Cause you came and you took control You touched my very soul You always showed me that Loving you was where it’s at You made me so very happy I’m so glad you came into my life.
Thank you baby. Yeah yeah-yeah.
I don’t know, is Chicago even allowed to have a good non-Jewish quarterback?
Honk if you remember Francis Gary Powers.
Woke up the other morning and my wife left me a post-it saying, “Vontae Mack no matter what.” Ooops. Sorry. Eyes blurry. It says, “Pick up dry cleaning.” Draft day!
What’s the deal with all the crane flies this spring?
I hope Kendra keeps this same energy when one of her 98.5 co-workers inevitably says something racist. Again.
I used to ride an electric scooter to and from train stations commuting for work so I get the appeal of them. But these people now who have scooters to get from the garage to the job LITERALLY ACROSS THE STREET is peak laziness.
Being a Leo is great because anytime I’m accused of wanting attention I’m like, yeah literally astrologically I feel no shame about that.
May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Remember — it’s okay to ask for help. You sad little nancy.
“EDGE” is not a position. It’s called defensive end.
No one has the right to call Nick Cattles an idiot. Everyone has the responsibility to call him an idiot.
Jose Ramirez is fascinating, because he doesn’t look at all like one of the five best players in baseball, but he is. He doesn’t look like he would be fast, but he is. Sort of in the Rick Reuschel/deceptive body class.
The Heat have signaled they want to quit. Finish them, Celtics.
Conversely, Uber drivers make up stories about things sportswriters tell them.
Where are all the yellow seats, Dale? Reinstall them!
Best bet for the weekend: The Patriots doing something cringe on Cinco de Mayo.
The Aggregator Vanishes.
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. And I can’t get away.To Live and Die in L.A.
And happy birthday to actress Joy Harmon, who you may remember from this scene in ‘Cool Hand Luke’.
So, you see, Boston is a city in the United States, which is a different country than Canada, where Toronto is located.
Robert may have yappa-yappa-yappa’d himself out of a spot in the HoF this year? You hate to see it.
Was that foul on Tatum by Martin an example of Heat Culture?
You can win a hockey game scoring only two goals, but you’re more likely to lose.
In short, go to Pittsburgh to catch a game or two. Stay at a hotel where you can walk to the park, see a few museums, stroll around. You’ll have a fine time.
Bobby Orr has looked exactly the same for forty years.
You don’t have to actually watch the Pat McAfee Show, you can follow one of those transcription services. Alex Barth, for example.
Zach Wilson getting traded to the weed capitol of the US is an absolute meme.
Pavel Zacha for Erik Haula – Sweeney’s deal with the Devil(s).
Hey Kevin Maggiore ..Bruins better win this series ..because if they don’t ..they will be consequences
Dave McCarty, he’s with La Schelle Tarver now. RIP to both.
Cakes are cooking for Shirley MacLaine, Rob Hyman, Eric Bogosian, Vince Ferragamo, Michale O’Keefe, Stuart Pearce, Cedric the Entertainer, Dino Radja, Omar Vizquel, Stacy Haiduk, Todd Jones, Ken Klee, Chipper Jones, Lee Westwood, Kelly Clarkson, and Ashleigh Barty.
The lady who plays the lead in those The Nun movies must be freaking stoked when they announce another sequel.
So Gregg Doyel made a fool of himself? What is this, 2015?
The New England Revolution strengthened their backline on Tuesday after trading for 2019 MLS Cup winner Xavier Arreaga from Seattle Sounders FC in exchange for a 2025 international roster slot and up to $75,000 in cash.
Congratulations to Tim ‘Sarge’ McKane on the permanent third banana spot middays.
High stick! Wrong thread.
Hanging off the side of a 20-story building grinding metal in the rain. This is the kind of thing I chose to get good at in life
Blue Line Reminder: Through April 28 Shuttle Buses replace service between Airport and Wonderland due to track work.
A lonesome death? Either multiple people beat the life out of him, or his girlfriend ran him over. Either way he was surrounded by people. And perhaps a dog.
Hello Gang of car petting baggers! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “It’s stupid and frankly gross.”
If I were a goose I’d be a mute one. Honking is so embarrassing.
One other thing about Hubie Brown: anyone who has attended a Hubie basketball clinic or lecture has come away spellbound.
You think Mike Silver still thinks about kissing Wendy Peffercorn?
Rooting for the Red Sox these days is kind of like driving an old beater that you never get serviced. It runs great for a few days, and then something happens, and you have a week of borrowing your brother’s truck.
Father Time Stumped The Schwab.
FYI: Ham salad from Brentwood NH is worse than any bologna I’ve ever had. Just saying.
Instead of ‘doggos’, just say dogs. It’s shorter.
Memories Light the corners of my mind. Misty watercolor memories Of the way we were.
Scattered pictures Of the smiles we left behind. Smiles we gave to one another, For the way we were.
Ever wonder why bread can be in a plastic bag but we can’t pack groceries in plastic bags?
RIP Lawrence M. Krause III.
Working in sports = never not working.
You’ve gotta be a little nuts to be a beekeeper. There isn’t enough money in the world you could pay me to do that.
Not nearly enough people played Horizon Zero Dawn.
Honk if you remember Argeo Paul Cellucci.
Paul Bissonnette is blacker than Deuce Tatum. What?
Liz put me on to Chappell Roan and idk if it’s the ADHD but I‘ve barely listened to anyone else since.
Ryan Poles on if he’s ready to declare Caleb Williams the Bears 1st overall pick: “We know what we’re gonna do, but everyone’s gonna have to wait until Thursday.”
If you have two black swans…
Sal? Don’t worry about him. He’s living in upstate New York, with a nice, loving family on their engagement farm. Plenty of room for him to run around and cancel people!
Carb loading only sounds like fun until you actually have to do it.
I was listening to the Sox game the other night and one of the sponsors is Chock Full o’ Nuts coffee. Like, what the fuck year is this?
Best bet for the weekend: Messi-Mania!
It’s going to be great when he doesn’t play because of the turf.
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. People who need people. Are the luckiest people in the world.
There are two kinds of superstar players in the NBA, those who can get it down in crunch time and those who can get you to their critical moments but needs someone else to finish the job.
For every Jordan, LeBron, Bird, there’s a Ewing, Drexler, and Paul George. You can win divisions, playoff series, maybe even sneak into the finals once or twice, but you’ll never win the title for what ever their shortcoming be.
Thus lay the greater mystery of this sport: what does it take to cross that threshold? Previous test cases like LeBron suggest it is mostly mental, the growth and maturity that comes from failure. Deep down we knew LeBron was always capable of winning the big one. The sensationalist drivel expounded by reporters and fans added theatrics to a rather anti-climactic finale.
The real “we didn’t think he could do it until he did” example is Dirk Nowitzki. Outmuscled in the 2006 NBA Finals. Mentally deconstructed in the 2007 1st round series vs Golden State. Nowitzki was labeled soft, a poor defender, and someone who wilted under the pressure. From 2008 to 2011 he continued to play at a high level, even though the interest for him waned. The story was written and ready for publishing; another superstar with all the potential unable to take that final step.
The Germans probably have a word for what Dirk Nowitzki accomplished.
Until the faithful day he rewrote said story. Now the lasting imagine of Nowitzki is not him kicking the ball into the stands as his team implodes to an inferior Miami team. It’s him so overcome with emotion as the seconds trickle down in the Miami arena, LeBron and Wade standing forlorn, the impossible victor retreating from the spotlight to shed a tear in solitude.
But for every Dirk, there’s players similar to him who are the nail to the superior player’s hammer. Drexler couldn’t beat MJ. Ewing couldn’t beat Olajuwon. Paul George couldn’t overcome himself.
Can Jayson Tatum overcome the Miami Heat? He did it once before. An underrated gem is his Game 7 in Miami in the 2022 East Finals series. Jimmy Butler being the lone Heat with a pulse for 40 of the first 48 minutes keeping their chances alive, Tatum quietly notched an efficient 26 point effort, including a sick turnaround on Butler before a last ditch comeback by Miami fell so short. It was the most clutch Tatum’s ever been. On the road, all the momentum on the opposing side, and the Celtics led wire-to-wire.
Yet, they almost blew it. The ball continuously found their weakest link (Sorry, Marcus) and the Celtics ran the basketball equivalent of victory formation for the final 3 minutes and 20 seconds. Five of the final six Celtics shots came from Smart, not because of his selfishness, but because of Tatum’s fecklessness. Not wanting to step on anyone else’s toes, not wanting to be the guy everyone looked at for why things went wrong.
There is no malice in Tatum’s heart when he does this. I sense fear and it extends like the plague to the others. Basketball is a game most akin to spreading a diseases and cures. A good bench is a symptom of an established hierarchy setting the backups to carry the load for the needed respite for the starters. That’s the cure. The disease is if your superstar falters it’s unlikely anyone will save the team.
The numbers regarding the Celtics in the clutch aren’t initially concerning. Teams tend to slow the pace down and milk the clock when they’re up by a substantial amount. For Boston, the victory cigar is lit up either prematurely or their drop in effort leads to a heart stopping comeback attempt from the opponent.
Over the years the Celtics have fielded different teams, capable and incapable of certain things. The numbers don’t reflect in a vacuum how they responded to gut check situations, but the situations they often found themselves in.
The Isaiah Thomas-era Celtics have better numbers in clutch situations than the Tatum-era Celtics, but they rarely ran away with contests and often found themselves going 100% against teams either in their tier of “plucky, but not real contenders” or below. For the past three years the Celtics have found themselves considered top of the heap and they meet that criteria by smashing lesser teams into oblivion.
So does Boston rank at the bottom of pace in the clutch because opposing defenses up the tension forcing their best players into compromising positions, off balanced shots leading to fast break opportunities? Or is it because they’re bored and we shouldn’t overly react to a game serving little relevance to the standings.
As a first-round matchup with Miami looms it seems we’ll learn soon enough.
Vinny Jace appears on the Entitled Weekend podcast. He does not live on an island in the Quabbin Reservoir.
Enjoy your last few broadcasts before retirement, Jack Edwards. May your muffin never tumble into the Chinese mustard.
Rich Keefe is jealous of Alex Cora’s job security.
Good job running, Sisay Lemma.
I heard the Be Like Mike song and commercials centered around Michael Jordan were originally meant for Mike Gorman.
Everyone’s killing Ippei the interpreter but give him this: he showed good restraint not betting on baseball.
The next time Lucchino dies Henry and Werner will try and make it.
If Norm Macdonald had been alive for everyone giving him his flowers over O.J. it would’ve put him on tilt that he couldn’t fixate on the first day of The Masters.
So, just roll out same menu from 2023 for the Masters Club Dinner next year?
Cakes are cooking for Jan Hammer, Dwane Casey, Nick Hornby, Sean Bean, Norman Esiason, Maynard James Keenan, Henry Ian Cusick, Liz Phair, Marquis Grissom, Adam McKay, Redman, Gordon Laro, Jennifer Garner, Tony Boselli, Kenneth Carlsen, Theo Ratliff, Victoria Beckham, Brad Boyes, and Rooney Mara.
Everybody’s genuine interest in WNBA salaries is duly noted.
There are the owners…and then everyone else. That’s how it works in the NFL. I never forget it.
New England’s professional soccer team fell in penalties last night.
We will all remember Blake Griffin for many reasons, but I will always admire him for his classy Big Brother mentorship on the ‘22-23 Celtics.
Blue Line Reminder: Service changes beginning today for track work. April 17-19: Shuttle Buses replace service between Maverick and Wonderland. April 20-28: Shuttle Buses replace service between Airport and Wonderland.
Hey gang who stans, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Do the roar.”
Orange Line Reminder: April 20-21 (This Weekend) Shuttle Buses replace service between Forest Hills and Ruggles for signal work. Commuter Rail service will be free to ride between Forest Hills, Ruggles, Back Bay, and South Station.
R.I.P. OJ. You taught me it was OK to leave a toxic relationship.
Whenever I listen to Jared Carrabis I feel like I’m listening to Ryan Reynolds. They sound the exact same.
The last thing anyone on the Karen Read did it side wants is a trial.
Hey cicadas, finish the job this time would ya? We get it. You do numbers. very cool. Now do whatever you came to do and get all the way lost. We’ve got enough to deal with.
Why can’t we not be sober? I just want to start things over. Why can’t we sleep forever? I just want to start this over.
I want what I want. I want what I want. I want what I want. I want what I want.
I think, to complete the spirit of Jackie Robinson day, that all of the teams should be required to wear the same uniforms.
Few have ever looked as good as Andrew Garfield in The Social Network.
Cerrone Battle? This is what a March Sadness snub does to people. Motivation. Tough times make tough people.
Sylvester Stallone daughters. Whoa.
Idk if I’m the only one who thinks this, but I swear when a chain coffee shop is in a gas station it tastes a million times better than just a normal coffee shop.
Bob Kraft calling someone “untrustworthy” is like Ray Flynn calling someone else a drunk.
Dolphins GM Chris Grier told reporters that the team plans to pick up the fifth-year options for WR Jaylen Waddle and pass-rusher Jaelan Phillips prior to the deadline.
Honk if your PIN number is baseball related.
If this elbow in injury is the end for Daniel Bard at age 38, he is a person who pitched that I will forever respect. To go without an MLB pitch from 4/27/2013 to 7/25/2020, never surrender, throw 197 games through ’23 w/10K/9 IP with courageous dignity…well, he’s a Bard.
And let’s don’t forget Verne Lundquist. He retired too.
Me? I’m a self-diagnosed autodidact.
Did John Sterling misjudge how many games were left in the season like it’s a fly ball to center?
Free wine? You had me at hello.
Great article in The Athletic about long-overlooked research into the best way to draft in the NFL by Viking beat writer Alec Lewis.
After a magical US Open Cup run, soccer darlings El Farolito fell to the Oakland Roots in the third round.
So long, Phoenix Coyotes. Ice hockey really wasn’t a fit in the high desert. Good luck in, (checks notes) Salt Lake City?
Is a 1 PM start in basketball like an 11 AM start in baseball? Asking for a friend.
I assume NESN brought Jack into a room and played a montage of him saying ‘Jurksztowicz’ this season.
With MLB’s Herzog’s passing, there can’t be that many Whiteys left out there. RIP.
No shame in falling to Denver in the Frozen Four Championship, BC. They never lose those.
No, we can’t exchange Masataka Yoshida for a different Jap player. No substitutions!
If you had told me in early 2011 there would ever be a point I would far prefer the Jacobs Crime Family to the Kraft’s and Henry/Werner, I’d have suggested you should seek help, fuckface.
Really though, O.J. Simpson? Good riddance.
Best bet for the weekend: a few dozen more mockable mock drafts.
Bring him home.
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Heh heh, ‘Tool.’
Doesn’t it feel like when the Red Sox lose the home opener, the Bruins and Celtics teams also both lose later that day?
Soccer and women’s basketball are the sports of the future.
We went from Tom Brady’s psychotic devotion to winning at all costs to Dear Diary Duran. We’re fucked.
Jared Zero? That name might be a little too on the nose.
Rob Bradford’s Lou Pearlman–style relationship with the boys from the ‘Play Tessie’ podcast makes me deeply uncomfortable.
Larry didn’t win a chip in during his college years either, Caitlin.
I thought a fractured Glenoid is what happens when you dropped your vintage Whiney Award statuette.
Cakes are cooking for Don Meredith, Ken Griffey Sr, Steven Seagal, Brian Setzer, Cathy Turner, Steve Tasker, Warren DeMartini, Felicia Collins, Orlando Jones, Sue Merz, Charlie Hunnam, Maren Morris, and Daisy Ridley.
That dentist, he knows pageantry.
So the WNBA fights to be noticed more in sports and then when it’s actually being talked about, they decide to show how little they actually support A WOMAN IN BASKETBALL? Bold move.
My next article will cover all teams named after birds.
Blue Line Reminder: April 9-11 (From 8 PM to the end of service each night) Shuttle Buses replace service between Government Center and Orient Heights for track work. Additional Blue Line closures will take place from April 17-28.
Jordan Walsh looks like a guy who would own a samurai sword.
I heard someone is waiting for Wes Welker to start a podcast so he can say it’s better than Edelman’s.
Gamecocks vs Hawkeyes is great because they’re both kind of birds.
Men all over Philly to they shawty after the #earthquake : ‘Hope you doing okay after that little Earthquake. It just reminded me of how you used to shake up and rock my jawn.’
It took me a long while to admit that the best home pizza sauce is just whole peeled tomatoes put through an immersion blender with a little salt.
Great to see Miguel Sano back in baseball. It seems like there isn’t a nickname big enough for him.
Maine Celtics. Owning.
Hey gang of consonant connoisseurs, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I think they film wrestling videos there.”
When on Long Island, you gotta get ready while listening to local legend Taylor Dayne.
Never played organized ball. Grew up running on the playgrounds.
I hope everyone remembered to tune their car radio to a different station after listening to the ballgame.
Certainly isn’t sundress weather today. That’s my favorite season.
Francona couldn’t stay for the opening ceremony? Well, he is due for his bimonthly hospitalization.
Honk if you remember the 1992 NHL strike.
You know what they say the darker the wiener the sweeter the…wait, what?
Damn you must have my notifications on that was quick af.
They loaned money to a guy named Zero. It’s like letting Tom Indiangiver buy you lunch.
I don’t bother chasing mice around. I slink down the alley, looking for a fight, Howling to the moonlight on a hot summer night
Singin’ the blues while the lady cats cry; Wild stray cat, you’re a real gone guy. I wish I could be as carefree and wild, But I got cat class and I got cat style.
Poor Lucy and her relieved ‘Trev Story is on the10 Day Injured List’ reaction.
Contractual agreements…how do you enforce them?
Melrose-born Tara VanDerveer. Coaching GOAT. Now she finally has time to find a husband.
MegO does not, in fact, rock.
Pretty amazing Bobby and Danny Hurley have combined for two titles.
Dougie didn’t get to catch Wakey’s kid’s first pitch? No MSP escort to Fenway this go around?
maybe retool as the ‘Dunks and Deadbeats’ podcast? Just throwing out ideas.
Well, Vrioni scored twice. Hello?
Did Robyn take down the ‘Do Your Job’ signs with the claw part of her hammer?
Rep the Commonweath well at the Frozen Four, BU and BC.
Best bet for the weekend: Bobby Dalbec once again finding his power stroke in Worcester.
You see, because…
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. We’re gonna rock this town.
And Happy Birthday to singer-songwriter and actress Mandy Moore.
We would be remiss if we overlooked the results of the NITwit T*ournament, happening concurrently with March Sadness. Well done everyone. Congratulation to the champion, Mr. Gag E. Matthews, from points unknown.
It appears that the Chinderella Kadlick bloc of voters stayed home in silent protest. As is their right. And also that Mike Felger choked during clutch time, caller! Fact: not opinion!
Thank you to all the media contestants, to the voting public, to the Selection Collaborative, and to The15 at large. Let’s do this again next year! (Or something similar sooner than that!)
The 15 