Not only do we have an AFC Championship game to look forward to on Sunday, but we also have the storm of the century bearing down on our beloved six state region, yes even Rhode Island. How much snow will YOU get? Well, that depends on many factors: how close to the benchmark the storm is, where does any banding set up, what is the QPF and how much love you have in your heart.
My heart isn’t in it
And before you rush out to the stores to stock up on bread and milk, remember these wise words: “Look, I’m not saying I could do it better than them. I’m just saying they’re wrong a lot. That’s a fact. They’re wrong a lot. We all make mistakes. I’m not being critical of them, I’m just saying I don’t think you can go based on that. My experience of going with the forecast in this area two days before the game, I mean I’d bet a lot that they’re wrong, just based on history because they’re almost always wrong. An hour before the game, maybe. You might have something to work with there. I think if you start game planning for what the weather is going to be and you game plan wrong, you’ve wasted a lot of time.” – Bill Belichick, October 31, 2014
14 day forecast?!?!?!
Sunday Early Dinner Time Patriots (-4.5) at Broncos Patriots bust Broncos
He’s comfortable at altitude
Sunday Late Dinner Time Rams at Seahawks (-2.5) Horny Sheep spook Darnold
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
It’s been a fun week basking in the glory of the first Patriots playoff win since Super Bowl LIII, but now it’s time to focus on the next opponent, the Houston Texans. What better way to break it all down, than a Dan Shaughnessy style look at how each team’s respective home town matches up with the other.
A football cat
Houston has the Johnson Space Center. Foxborough has the Gillette Stadium Lighthouse. Advantage:Patriots
The landlocked lighthouse is much more impressive
Well there you have it, bet your kid’s college tuition on the home team and thank us later
Saturday Dinner Time Bills at Broncos (-1.5) Buffalo sauces Nix
Buffalo are right at home in Denver
Saturday Prowl Time 49ers at Seahawks (-7) Fake Seabirds rain on Purrrdy’s parade
Someone left the cat out in the rain
Sunday Early Dinner Time Texans at Patriots (-3) As that great Patriot, Patrick Star once opined: “The stars at night are dull and dim whenever they have to be over dumb old stupid Texas! “
SpongeBob had it fisrt
Sunday Late Dinner Time Rams (-3.5) at Bears Horny sheep bang da’ Bears
This is why all Bears fans support two teams
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Time to check in with everyone’s favorite nonagenarian sportswriter, none other than legendary boxing and gridiron correspondent for the old Boston Evening Gazette, Buzz “Lefty” McBride. Mr. McBride would like to share his take on the controversial hit New England Patriots’ linebacker Christian Eliss placed on New York Giants’ quarterback Jaxson Dart during the first quarter of Monday night’s football game.
Simpler times
Buzz “Lefty” McBride:“Looks to me like Eliss knocked Jaxson Dart onto Queer Street”
Exhibit A
Exhibit B
Many thanks to “Lefty” for his thoughtful and enlightened commentary.
Sunday Lunch Time Titans at Browns (-4.5) Turds top Tits
Did someone say turd tit top?
Seahawks (-7) at Falcons Fake sea birds rule the roost
Colts (-1.5) at Jaguars Jags jettison Jones
Commanders at Vikings (-2.5) Feds raid Minnesota
Bengals at Bills (-5.5) Buffalo buries Burrow
Just a dusting
Saints at Buccaneers (-8.5) Bucs defrock the clergy
Steelers (-6) at Ravens Scary black birds love a game played in a dark place
I guess it’s not good luck
Dolphins (-2.5) at Jets New Yorkers feast on frozen fish
Sunday Dinner Time Broncos (-7.5) at Raiders YOU want the Raiders to win, but you can’t always get what you want
Bonus bet: Raiders cover
Rams (-8.5) at Cardinals Horney sheep trample pretty red birds
Bears at Packers(-6.5) The pack is back!
Sunday Prowl Time Texans at Chiefs(-3.5) Indoor cats can’t handle the chill of the open plains
Indoors is where it’s at
Monday Prowl Time Eagles (-2.5) at Chargers Patriotic birds zap Bolts
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Turkey fans enjoy giving out gobbles this time of year, but what about America’s fastest, and fattest, growing dietary subgroup the Porksaterians? Well don’t worry Porky, we’re here to satisfy you with a serving of oinks.
Grant Huckvale (a.k.a. Hogdale): Hogdale carved a niche for himself as an overly exuberant alternative broadcaster to the stoic and bland official Red Sox play-by-play teams on NESN and WEEI. Over the summer you’d see Hogdale clips occasionally retweeted into your timeline, usually after Red Sox wins, and you’d think to yourself “I think that’s the tops“. We probably all agree that Hogdale is special. Smash cut to present day, and we are confronted with a hog of a different color. Barstool, in an effort to fill an obese chromosomically challenged void in their lineup, swooped in and waved a lucrative (by part-time minimum waged Iowan standards) five figure contract in front of Hogdale’s snout and lured him into their slaughter house. Now Hogdale’s giant screaming maw is ever present, ever hot takey and ever annoying. To quote Rocky IV: “What started out as a joke has turned into a disaster”. 4 oinks 🐷🐷🐷🐷
That will do pig
Thanksgiving early eaters time Packers at Lions (-2.5) Jungle Kings slice and dice Cheese Heads
Thanksgiving late eaters time Chiefs (-3.5) at Cowboys Squantos feast on the Pilgrims
Thanksgiving overeaters time Bengals at Ravens (-7) Scary Black Birds bury Burrow’s boys
Black Friday Afternoon Nap time Bears at Eagles (-7) Birds bully Bears
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Every September 19th all of Patriots Nation gather together with their family and friends to celebrate the legacy of their one time wunderkind General Manager Upton Bell. Back in February of 1971, Billy Sullivan hired the snot nosed 33 year old Bell to be his GM. The most memorable moment of Upton’s brief reign of terror was when he forgot to mail out contracts to all the team’s impending free agents, thus instantly granting them their freedom. The Upton Bell era came to an abrupt end in December 5, 1972 when he was unceremoniously fired after amassing a putrid 9 – 19 record. Sure that is a bad record, but really damning fact is that Upton was so incompetent that he never worked in the NFL again. Imagine how awful his reputation within the league must have been to never get another front office job. This was the son of former NFL Commissioner and Eagles owner/founder Bert Bell, and after being fired at the age of 35 his career in the league was over.
Today the 88 year old social media maven has morphed into a modern day Baron Hieronymus Karl Friedrich Freiherr von Münchhausen. The list of famous (all dead) people Upton has met includes Burt Reynolds, Jane Russell, Hedy Lamar, Elvis Presley, Frank Sinatra, Grace Kelly, Stephen Hawking, Patricia Neal, Jack Nicholson, Richard Nixon, Anthony Hopkins, Angie Dickerson, Arnold Palmer, Alan Shepard, Ted Turner, Seiji Ozawa, Donna Reed, Hedy Lamarr, Carely Simon, Yo Yo Ma and three (THREE!) Tuskegee Airmen. The list goes on and on. We didn’t even bother with listing the sports figures he claims to have known/discovered, but rest assured if they’re dead Upton claims he interacted with them.
And if Upton didn’t meet them, rest assured his mother did. Per Upton, his mom, Broadway “star” Frances Upton, had close encounters with Charles Lindbergh, James Cagney, Florenz Ziegfeld, George Gershwin, George Burns, Willie Mays, Babe Ruth, Lefty Gomez and Al Capone. According to Upton, when Bert Bell, his father, dropped dead Universal Pictures wanted to make a movie about him with Danny Thomas as the lead, but Frances turned it down (of course she did!). The aforementioned Bert Bell invented the NFL Draft, coined the phrase “On Any Given Sunday”, brought the entire Eagles team with him on his honeymoon, proposed local TV blackouts, and in 1958 came up with the idea of sudden death overtime – which is ironic because he dropped dead less than one year later while attending a football game.
Happy Upton Bell Day!
So celebrate today the Upton way by forgetting to send out important legal documents on time, or by getting you rugs cleaned or by lying on social media about all the famous dead people you’ve interacted with. Happy 9-19 to all who celebrate!
Sunday Lunch Time Falcons (-5.5) at Panthers Black cats get slapped by Penix
Packers (-7.5) at Browns Packko over Flacco
In 1935 Bert Bell invents the NFL draft. In 1948 Bert Bell invents prank calling potential draft picks.
Texans at Jaguars (-2) Texicats hog tie spotted cats
Bengals at Vikings (-3) Norsemen beat Burrow-less Bungles
Steelers (-1.5) at Patriots Pat Patriot makes Rodgers see red
November 14, 1972 press conference with owner Billy Sullivan (right), interim head coach Phil Bengtson (center), lame duck GM Upton Bell (left). Disgraceful body language
Rams at Eagles (-3.5) Philly rams LA
Jets at Buccaneers (-6.5) Tampa takes the Todd Bowles Revenge Bowl
Colts (-4.5) at Titans Tits whip Indianapolis Jones
Frances Upton in her only feature film role as Angie in ‘Night Work’ (1930). Francis loved to tell Upton about all the times she lost out on an acting job because she would not submit to the casting couch. Proving that lying is inherited.
Raiders at Commanders (-3.5) The Raiders keep racking up frequent flyer miles but not wins
Sunday Dinner Time Broncos at Chargers (-3) Bolts best Broncos
Saints at Seahawks (-7.5) Saints remain winless in Seattle
Upton saw Wilt Chamberlain play high school basketball and new he’d be a super star
Cowboys (-1) at Bears Da Bears drop Da Boys
Cardinals at 49ers (-2.5) Prospectors use the Pretty Red Birds as their canaries in the gold mine.
Sunday Prowl Time Chiefs (-6) at Giants Chiefs cut the Giants down to size
9 wins as Patriots GM work out to 1 win for every tooth
Monday Prowl Time Lions at Ravens (-4.5) Scary black birds tame the big cats
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
News item: Some new executive orders have just been signed…
“Saturday” will be renamed to “Caturday”.
Catnip will be allowed to flow across the Southern border.
All online betting advisors will be required to publicly display their success rate or something else (*wink wink*).
Amnesty for the accused in the “Shedd Park Incident of July 4 1992”.
Laser pointers will be outlawed.
Designated nap times throughout the day, with comfortable sleeping spots readily available in all public spaces.
All deadbeat squatters will be evicted from the homes of their deceased mother’s former boyfriend. Their cats will be allowed to stay.
Dogs will be banned from most public areas, with designated “dog parks” far away from cat territory.
Anyone using “Y’all” will be banned from all social media platforms, even the Chinese ones.
Humans must be readily available for head scratches and belly rubs whenever a cat desires.
Only Union workers will be allowed on the roads between 4 am and 6 am.
The records from the Loyko investigation must be immediately released.
SUNDAY EARLY DINNER TIME Commanders at Eagles (-6) American Birds haven’t been this surprised by a Commie offensive in January since 1968
On that day our platoon sergeant sacrificed himself so we could all make it home alive. RIP Sgt.Thornton.
SUNDAY EARLY PROWL TIME Bills at Chiefs (-1) As has played out on the great plains for hundreds of years, the Native Americans, once again, take down the Tonawanda Tatanka
The buffalo seemed more stunned by the audacity of the tactic than they are surprised the wolves are actually dudes
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Breaking news from the Football Cat Storm Center, it’s going to be bitter cold at this weekend’s games. How cold you ask? Well, let’s go to a special report from Nimbus, the official cat of the Mount Washington Weather Observatory, for a live report…
NIMBUS: “You want a prediction about the weather? I’ll give you a winter prediction. It’s gonna be cold, it’s gonna be grey, and it’s gonna last you for the rest of your life.”
Yes, Nimbus does like red onions. Why do you ask?
Thanks Nimbus for that in depth forecast. It sounds like you might want to spend some of your future gambling winnings on a Seasonal Affective Disorder light therapy lamp. We hear they do wonders for your mental health.
The official anti-SADs clock/lamp combo thingy of the Boston Herald’s Red Sox part-time beat writer. (If you look closely you can see her reflection “accidentally” caught in the photo of the clock/lamp thingy.)
SATURDAY DINNER TIME Texans at Chiefs (-8.5) Indoor Tex-cats can’t survive in the Chiefs’ winter encampment
It’s not called a WigWarm for nothing folks!
SATURDAY PROWL TIME Commanders at Lions (-9) These indoor cats know where it’s at! The Jungle Kings crunch Commie caps in climate controlled comfort.
Take that you commie rat!
SUNDAY EARLY DINNER TIME Rams at Eagles (-6) Fiery hot Rams blow torch frozen American Birds
When the Linc is overrun with ugly dumb cvnt Rams fans, don’t blame this guy.
SUNDAY EARLY PROWL TIME Ravens at Bills (-1) Scary Black Birds get snowed under by Hairy Cows
They should have flown South for the winter when they had the chance.
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
The Celtics can’t just have an off-game or not play their best. Any loss is an indictment of their system and the coaching that goes into it. Like the Dynasty Patriots when every win was a formality, and every loss was a referendum on the team’s legacy. It’s fucking tiresome. They lost by 4, so chill the fuck out and shut the fuck up. This team is fine.
Rickey doesn’t like this talk about Rickey being dead. Hopefully someone tells his John Olerud story again.
My favorite Shaq endorsement is printer ink.
Say what you will about Craig Breslow, but a guy who spends his Christmas Eve searching for Mickey Gasper trade partners is a guy I want running my baseball team.
Milt Pappas is a great name.
So the late and bafflingly lamented Bunky Donaldson was a negative piece of shit even during the most impressive dynasty in team sports history? Good guy! He will not be missed in this quarter, despite his savant-like ability to ‘phone a restaurant and make reservations.’
Mina Kimes providing *significantly* more insight and information than RGIII and Teo is really tough for the “you have to play football to analyze football” crowd.
Pneumonia is psychosomatic.
You can have a turnover-prone running back and win games. You can have a turnover-prone quarterback and win games. But it’s tough to win games having both.
I’ve had a theory since I was a kid but I’ve never known if it makes any sense, but it’s that the sharp/crisp sound of the audio of movies in theaters is meant to subliminally make you want to buy popcorn because of how crisp popcorn sounds when you say it.
Cakes are cooking for John Walsh, Carlton Fisk, Chris Chambliss, Ozzie Smith, Peter Woods, David Sedaris, Gail Tatterson, Karen Smith, Adrian Newey, Temuera Morrison, Lars Ulrich, Tim Legler, Jared Leto, Ryan Berube, Tiffany Brissette, Tony Brackens, Chris Daughtry, Kit Harrington, and Lucille Burdge.
Also, is it just me or are popcorn ceilings designed to make you reflexively say, “did you finish?”
Getting my period tomorrow and sobbing after two drinks today because Randy Moss doesn’t have a super bowl ring.
Wait, what?
Dickie V is going to Beetlejuice his cancer back.
Newburyport Train 146 (7:54 am from Newburyport) is cancelled due to a mechanical issue. Passengers will be accommodated by Train 148 (8:49 am from Newburyport). Passengers between Beverly and N Station may also consider Train 106 (8:13 am from Rockport).
I’m trying to figure out what ‘Sopan Deb’ is an anagram for.
Stormy Buonantony can’t be real.
Orlando and Philadelphia going with the old Pistons the end theory. Just foul every play. They won’t call them all.
I don’t have Netflix so I can’t watch football.
Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Nothing good ever comes from fucking around with a white girl.”
not even a full hour after everyone left did i start taking down my christmas decor. not because i was sick of it, but because the post christmas depression is too real.
Lobsters aren’t fish.
I’d like to know more about the welding school gap year.
When the literal sound of unclean audio is best explained by the word POP you might need to huddle up and run it again, stupid.
I had a dream last night that I met Sylvester Stallone and his wife. His hair was kinda blonde, which was surprising, but all I wanted to do is tell him how big a fan Kirk Minihane was of his and how the Rocky movies were some of his favorite movies (as if that was some big revelation). He was a great guy (duh!) and I was about to take a photo with him so I could share with you all on X, but then I woke up damnit. I swear I didn’t even take a gummy before bed. But alas, here’s to a very Merry Christmas to Sly and Kirk as well!
The name “Bregman” means a person who lives near a river or stream. So I’m sure the Charles would work in his favor.
Fun Fact: Bruins defenseman “Terrible” Ted Green set NHL penalty record of 3 minors, 2 majors & 2 game misconducts in a game against NY Rangers in NY’s Madison Square Garden on this day in 1968.
Have you ever met anyone that watches Charlie Moore?
I get all the rapes and pedophilia at Happy Valley, but what an atmosphere going on there during the college football playoffs.
Every time I read Shalise Manza Young’s name I hear Jose Feliciano saying it to the tune of Feliz Navidad:
Shalise Manza Young, Shalise Manza Young. She’s not with her family she’s in Foxboro, watching Patrick Chung.
Shalise Manza Young. Shalise Manza Young. Shalise Manza Young She went into the baño, Oh, what have they done?
I want to wish you a Merry Christmas, It’s just a shame when somebody pisses, On the seat where the chica sits-es, And then the crust from the Pizza Huuuuut!
Walker Buehler feels like an excellent addition for the Boston Red Sox. I hope their new starters from Vanderbilt (Buehler) & Tennessee (Garrett Crochet) can get along in Boston.
Tony Brothers looks like someone tried to Grok “Black Pete Abraham.”
Had a Buffalo Chicken Wrap for lunch, could have used more blue cheese tho.
Honk if you remember the last time there was a White Christmas.
Six-time NBA All-Star Jimmy Butler prefers a trade out of Miami ahead of the Feb. 6 deadline according to league sources.
19 pitchers in baseball history have finished the season with exactly 10 wins and 18 losses. The first pitcher ever to do that was Ned Garvin, with the Cubs in 1900. The last pitcher to do it was Jerry Garvin, with the Blue Jays in 1977.
Beyoncé should have had to rope a calf.
I swear a lot of American pro sports teams have teenagers running their social media accounts.
Travis Kelce sounds like he’s trying to make up for Mahomes’ lack of blackness.
Best bet for the weekend: white boy Ladd McConkey.
Did Mina ask to be dressed like an anime villain? If so: nailed it.
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I’m your dream, make you real.
And a happy Boxing Day birthday to English singer Jade Thirlwall, formerly of Little Mix, which could be a band, or a village.
Congratulations on all that sweet cash you made following last week’s picks (10-3 against the spread, and 11-2 straight up – not that we’re keeping track). As a way of saying “thank you”, head on over to the official The 15 Store and load up on some genuine merch during the big October sale.
I can’t believe this awesome shirt is on sale for only $16!
SUNDAY TEA TIME Patriots at Jaguars (-5.5) Spotty cats lose to New England in Olde England.
SUNDAY LUNCH TIME Bengals (-4.5) at Browns Stripey cats use the Dog Pound as their litter box.
It’s actually an improvement.
Lions at Vikings (-1.5) Jungle Kings knee cap the Vi-Kings
Texans at Packers (-3.5) Texans grind up the Meat Men
Someone get Upton Sinclair on the phone.
Eagles (-3.5) at Giants Baby New York wins the game, but loses the Belichick Bowl.
And they have pretzels
Dolphins at Colts (-3.5) Drips dizzy Dolphins dropped
Seahawks at Falcons (-2.5) Real birds defeat fake sea birds.
Titans at Bills (-8.5) You’ll see tits on a bull before you see the Tits beat the Bills.
Superfluous
SUNDAY DINNER TIME Panthers at Commanders (-7.5) The Swamp Things may not be as good as they’ve looked, but the Black Cats are worse than they’ve looked.
Raiders at Rams (-5.5) Cleveland-LA-St. Louis-LA Rams win the Transient Bowl over the Oakland-LA-Oakland-Las Vegas Raiders
I once faced down the devil.
Chiefs at 49ers (-1) 49ers win the Super Bowl rematch, but don’t actually avenge the loss, then spiral into a deep depression.
I’m sorry, did you say something? I wasn’t listening.
SUNDAY PROWL TIME Jets at Steelers (-1.5) Men of Steel master Metropolis
It’s a bird…it’s a plane… no wait, it’s eaten the bird… all the birds.
MONDAY EARLY PROWL TIME Ravens (-3.5) at Buccaneers Scary Black Birds get Buccan-owned
MONDAY ACTUAL PROWL TIME Chargers (-2.5) at Cardinals The bad night for birds continues as the pretty Red Birds get zapped.
Shocking!
General Disclaimer By using this website, you acknowledge that you have read and understand the foregoing disclaimers and release Football Cat LLC and its affiliates, members, officers, employees and agents from any and all liability whatsoever relating to your use of this site, any such links, or any information contained herein or in any such appearances or articles (whether accessed through such links or downloaded directly from this website). Any rebroadcast, reproduction, or other use of the pictures and accounts of this game without the express written consent of Major League Baseball is strictly prohibited.
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
“Right now, they’re teetering on a mutiny in that locker room.”
Yesterday, during the broadcast of the ‘Catch-22’ podcast on the Patriots Podcast Network, (a part of the actual ‘Patriots Media Cartel’) Senior Reporter Evan Lazar offered his assessment of the tenor of the team’s mental state:
Right now, they’re teetering on a mutiny in that locker room. And I don’t want to be alarmist or like hyper, what’s the word? (Co-host Alex Barth: “Hyperbolic?”) I don’t want to speak for, yeah, hyperbolic, thank you, I don’t but I was in that locker room after the game on Sunday; the defense is mad at the defense, the offense is mad at the offense, you have young receivers who are literally throwing tantrums on film in Pop Douglas and Ja’Lynn Polk, and good on Pop Douglas owning that this weekend and kind of saying he’s got to be better and all that kinda stuff but I said this before and I’ll say it again you’re at the point now with 52 other guys in that locker room that all watch these two quarterbacks practice every single day and all know that they drafted Drake Maye 3rd overall and at what point in time do some of these guys say to themselves, “Why am I going out there and getting my butt kicked every single Sunday and Drake can’t? Like what am I going out there with the quarterback who can’t get me the football when we have the Ferrari back in the garage that can get me the football but I’m supposed to, I’m Ja’Lynn Polk and I’m supposed to go run every single route as hard as I can and I’m supposed to lay it all out there?’
A leader of men. Learned the ropes on HMS Optum.
Not a difficult scene to picture for a team that had lost their previous three games after winning their season opener under rookie Head Coach Jerod Mayo. But then something odd occurred:
Earlier today @ezlazar reportedly said the Patriots are "teetering on a mutiny in that locker room.” I was watching the podcast looking for that part, paused it for a minute, and then got this: pic.twitter.com/k2MIbrrnKQ
When the podcast audio had been restored, any reference to ‘mutiny’ had been removed. This had the counterproductive effect of drawing attention to the podcast and the discontent in the locker room. A classic example of the Streisand Effect.
Nice house, Babs.
Audio is still up on Apple and Spotify. It’s from the 57:30 mark. They scrubbed out the part where Lazar called it a mutiny. Funny stuff. pic.twitter.com/AdBEqDTj1p
After this unfortunate gaffe, Evan was doubtless summoned to a meeting with the higher ups:
And after a brief yet productive struggle session, he cheerfully recanted any statements that could be seen as deleterious to the image of the Patriots organizations one big happy collaborative enterprise:
“I got carried away. There is no mutiny in the locker room. I am being treated well. I have been given a blanket. The Red Cross will visit me soon with letters from my family.”
“It’s a dang mutanty!”
I will let this summarize our position on the matter, and give IH the last word:
I am struggling to think of anything more damning than an organization worth ~$10B overreacting to an in-house employee's throwaway line on a podcast no one listens to by scrubbing the audio after it's been released just to create a larger problem.
The 15 