Yeah, I know. Even the clamdicappers were laughing at how terrible my picks were last week. I probably would have told you the Pats were going to cover the spread versus the Planes Thursday. What can I say? It was a very tough week to be a cat. Plus, I only got 19 hours of sleep the day before. On to this week…
SUNDAY LUNCHTIME Giants at Browns (-6.5) If YOU think some Giants are going to waltz into Elf Land and come away victorious, then I’ve got some magic beans to sell you.
Bears at Colts (-1.5) Colts clobber Caleb.
Alliteration! Awesome!
Texans (-2) at Vikings Sam Darnold will be seeing ghosts and stars after this one.
Eagles at Saints (-2.5) American birds can’t win on American soil. They should keep flying South.
Chargers at Steelers (-1.5) One Har-bro can beat all your Primanti Bros put together.
French fries and cole slaw INSIDE the sandwich!?!
Broncos at Buccaneers (-6.5) Fun fact: Bo Nix has the shortest full first and last name combo in NFL history. Hopefully that will assuage his grief after yet another loss.
Packers at Titans (-2.5) Pack men gobble up tits.
SUNDAY DINNERTIME Panthers at Raiders (-5) Black cats ride the Red Rocket to victory!
firework noises!
Dolphins at Seahawks (-4.5) Fake Sea Birds drop Coach Drip’s Dolphins.
Lions (-3) at Cardinals Jungle Kings don’t even both trying to find the pretty Red Birds kneecaps, they just devour them whole. A little shakin’, a little tenderizin’ and down they go.
Ravens (-1) at Cowboys Scary Black Birds open a can of whoop ass at Jerry’s World.
49ers (-6.5) at Rams Brock Purrrrdy continues to make everyone forget about the worst trade in NFL history.
SUNDAY PROWLTIME Chiefs (-3) at Falcons Every fan in attendance gets two bags of chips, two hot dogs and unlimited drink refills. Which is good because they aren’t getting a win.
MONDAY PRE-PROWLTIME Jaguars at Bills (-5) Someone needs to ask Trevor who he is tanking for.
WHO ARE YOU TANKING FOR???
MONDAY PROWLTIME ACTUAL
Commanders at Bengals (-7.5)
Stripey cats get off the schneid on their own schedule, very feline of them.
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
The BBQ Sundae at the Big E was too much even for me.
Hey Lama, how about a little something, for you know, the effort?
I hope you set aside some of Week One’s winnings to buy some treats for Football Cat!
SUNDAY LUNCHTIME 49ers – 5 vs Vikings Brock Purrrrrdy and the prospectors plunder the Vikings
Chargers -5 vs Panthers Black cats can’t help crossing their own path, get zapped by Chargers.
ZZap!
Colts -2.5 vs Packers Horsies stomp the Meat Men into the unfrozen tundra of Lambeau Field.
Giants vs Commanders -1.5 Pituitaries pound Pol Pots.
Saints vs Cowboys -6 Jerry Jones and his many illegitimate children must have had a good laugh after reading that article about Rub-and-Tug Robert’s Hall of Fame struggles. Jerry’s good time keeps rolling.
Cheshire Cat grin
Browns vs Jaguars -3 Spotty cats devour the mystical fairyland sprites.
Jets -3.5 vs Titans My father Bert Bell tells me that in 1959 this would have been a match-up between the “Titans of New York” and the “Oilers of Houston”. Much like Lucy will ultimately outlast Taylor, the original Tits triumph over the new Tits.
Rrrowwl
Buccaneers vs Lions -7.5 Jungle Kings feast on pirate patellas.
Raiders vs Ravens -9 Scary birds don’t break a sweat.
Caw
Seahawks -3.5 vs Patriots Good thing mean old Bill is gone, otherwise he’d inexplicably replace Malcom Butler as honorary lighthouse keeper at the last minute – with no explanation! WTF! The Mayo-noise will be earsplitting after the Patriots start 2-0.
SUNDAY DINNERTIME Rams vs Cardinals -1 Male sheep stomp pretty red birds.
Bengals vs Chiefs -5.5 Stripey cats get their first win of the season at Burrowhead.
Me heap big appropriate your culture!
Steelers -2.5 vs Broncos Men of Steel can’t handle the thin air. The mile high horses run wild.
SUNDAY PROWLTIME Bears vs Texans -6.5 After the he messes with Texas, Calib Williams will be left in tears, seeking solace in the loving embrace of his mother’s arms.
MONDAY PROWLTIME Falcons vs Eagles -6.5 I love watching birds fight! The American birds prevail and the losers gets in my belly!
You, uh, you white meat or dark meat?
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Football Cat is back. And not in pog form, losers.
FRIDAY PROWLTIME (bonus)
Packers vs Eagles (-2.5)
American Birds win by default after Corinthians’ ultras hijack the Meat Men’s team bus.
SUNDAY LUNCHTIME
Steelers vs Falcons (-3.5) The Birds of Prey better start praying. The Men of Steel pull off the upset.
Patriots vs Bengals (-6.5) Stripey Cats win in a laugher. Boston beat writers look the other way when offered an extra slice of cold Papa Gino’s pizza and a room temperature Bud Light.
Needs a neon North Star*.
Cardinal vs Bills (-6.5) Red Birds get stampeded by Hairy Cows. Let’s feast on their tasty wings.
Titans vs Bears (-4.5) As stated so eloquently last season: “Tits may be ass.”
Anne Francis, her TV character Honey West had a pet ocelot.
Jaguars vs Dolphins (-3.5) Spotty Cats feast on the Tua Fish.
Jaguars can swim.
Texans (-3) vs Colts Houston will not have a problem.
Panthers vs Saints (-4) To quote Shukri Wright(s) “if you think Carolina is going to win the division, I have a can of corn to sell you!”
Vikings (-1.5) vs Giants Bill Belichick’s dream job may be closer than it appears. Giants lose.
We journey to Jotunheim to battle the frost giants!
DINNER TIME
Raiders vs Chargers (-3) Brother Jim’s charges zap Tom Brady’s Raiders.
Cowboys vs Browns (-2.5) In Enid Blyton’s “Book of Brownies”, a mischievous trio of brownies named Hop, Skip, and Jump attempt to sneak into a party hosted by the King of Fairyland by pretending to be Twirly-Whirly, the Great Conjuror from the Land of Tiddlywinks, and his two assistants.
Dallas prevails.
Broncos vs Seahawks (-6) The False Seabirds win the Russell Wilson Memorial Classic.
Commanders vs Buccaneers (-3.5) Commies keep pace with Patriots in the battle for the first overall pick on the 2025 NFL draft.
OCEANS ARE NOW BATTLEFIELDS
SUNDAY PROWLTIME
Rams vs Lions (-3.5) Big Cats feast on juicy mutton kneecaps. Fetlocks? Lamb hocks?
MONDAY PROWLTIME
Jets vs 49ers (-4.5) Prospectors take down Planes. Achilles tendons may be intact, but hearts are broken throughout Queens.
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
We would be remiss if we overlooked the results of the NITwit T*ournament, happening concurrently with March Sadness. Well done everyone. Congratulation to the champion, Mr. Gag E. Matthews, from points unknown.
It appears that the Chinderella Kadlick bloc of voters stayed home in silent protest. As is their right. And also that Mike Felger choked during clutch time, caller! Fact: not opinion!
Thank you to all the media contestants, to the voting public, to the Selection Collaborative, and to The15 at large. Let’s do this again next year! (Or something similar sooner than that!)
In the Consolation Match, Mike Kadlick proves no one cares about a Cinderella once their carriage turns back into a pumpkin. No glass slipper, just a glass jaw in a loss to Squeaky Tony Mazz who finishes in third place in consecutive tournaments.
Yes, you’re a winner, pal.
Now on to the final act of The Big Sads – Felger vs. Curran. Two formerly ink-stained wretches. An irresistible farce meets the immovable object of derision. The Carpetbagger vs. the Lakeville Dagger. Missing eyebrows vs. hair transplants. Wisconsin Cheesehead vs. New England PotatoMan. Miserable Cuck vs. Heel Turn for a Buck. Both highly deserving. Two men enter, one man leaves. Choose wisely, voters.
Given the importance of this matchup, the poll will remain open for 24 hours, closing at this time Friday.
Dear readers, if you have been enjoying this year’s Mediot Tournament, or the ones previous, or the Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer columns, or the articles investigating the local sports media, or any of our other features, or the Twitter hijinks of the local collaborative, please consider making a one-time donation. Site registration isn’t free. The Crowdsignal plug-in that tabulates the votes costs money as well. Or in the alternative visit our The15 Genuine Merchandise page and buy a shirt or a mug? Up to you. Thanks again for reading.
It’s Felger’s third time getting to the Four You Deplore, his radio partner Tony got this far last tourney as well, TEC and Kadlick are in uncharted territory. Should be interesting.
Polls will stay open until Midnight EDT, 9 PM PDT. Vote responsibly.
And now a few loving words about “The Hateable Eight”, courtesy of everyone’s favorite meteorologist enthusiast and aspiring journalist, “Joshua from Marion”…
Region C: Mike Felger (1) vs Chris Gasper (2) “I’m not gay or anything but my idol Michael Felger is one handsome mofo.” – Feb 29, 2024 “Gasper is such a fruitcake but I love him too.” – Dec 1, 2023
Region V: Tom E Curran (1) vs Dan Shaughnessy (6) “Good Saturday evening @tomecurran, just wanted to say I love your hard hitting and intense reporting. As someone who had hoped to be a journalist someday, I admire the way you go about craft. Go #Patriots tomorrow even tho the Colts will probably beat them. Take care man.” – Nov 11, 2023 “Only @Dan_Shaughnessy could bring more darkness to the airwaves of @985TheSportsHub than @adamjones985” – Aug 9, 2018
Region N: Mike Kadlick (16) vs Jim Murray (2) “Notice how there’s been zero response by @mikekadlick. There’s several reasons why. Shhhhhhhh you can hear the crickets once the facts come out. Sit down.” – Jan 7,2024 “@bigjimmurray I’ve met him before and he’s not a POS. He wasn’t putting on a front either. He’s said bad things, we’ve all said bad things but we shouldn’t crucify him for life because of it. I believe in forgiveness. I believe in humanity working things out. If not, hit the button already. – Mar 27, 2024
Region T: Tony Massarotti (1) vs Albert Breer (3) “Hey @TonyMassarotti, I know you’ve been getting a lot of shit lately from callers but never forget you are a great guy and talented individual. I’ve met you before at Newbury Comics and you were super classy and gracious. Most people don’t know the real you. – Nov 9, 2021 “I love me some Breer. He’s a true professional and although some of his predictions may be outlandish, he’s willing to sit and take the heat about them. ” – Oct 26, 2023
Remember to vote, and don’t forget to stop by your local parish and get your feet washed tonight!
Polls will stay open until Midnight EDT.
(Preview courtesy of Patrick from Andover del Norte.)
If you have been enjoying this year’s Mediot Tournament, or the ones previous, or the Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer columns, or the articles investigating out local sports media, or the Twitter hijinks of the local collaborative, please consider making a one-time donation. Site registration isn’t free. The Crowdsignal plug-in that tabulates the votes costs money as well. Or in the alternative visit our The15 Genuine Merchandise page and buy a shirt or a mug? Up to you. Don’t make a maniac out of me. Thanks for reading.
Welcome to unHoly week! The Sour Sixteen, then The Hateable Eight, followed by Easter with the in-laws. I’m more excited than when I got that an 8-day late St. Patrick’s Day card.
Region C – Mike Felger (1) vs Shukri Wrights (NR) It’s a matchup of two carpetbaggers just trying to make it big in good old Beantown. We have the wild card, native New Yorker, and current Philadelphia resident, Shukri Wrights doing battle with the titan of New England sports media, Wisconsin’s own Michael Felger. It’s David vs Goliath, if Goliath was a cuckold germaphobe with granny glasses, and David was a walking malapropism cosplaying as a Bruins fan. Do your Bleav in Ramadan miracles? Me neither.
Chris Gasper (2) vs Rich Keefe (14) There’s no buzz about this matchup. Keefe has benefited from some weak competition in the first couple of rounds. Gasper has been quietly going about his business. He must be saving it for the regional final. Kid Gas low efforts his way through again.
Region V – Tom E Curran (1) vs Adam Jones (12) Jones has been getting more votes than he has listeners. It’s been a good run for the self-proclaimed “Sports Vulva”, but it ends here. Curran is the Carrot Top of the local hot takerz. He’s undoubtedly successful. He probably made you laugh once or twice 20 years ago, but now he’s just hanging on with the same old shtick and no one is quite sure how, or why. Tater Top moves on.
Dan Shaughnessy (6) vs Dan Lifshatz (2) It’s a Dan-off! If his latest column proves anything, it’s that Shank’s heart condition must be terminal. People will do/say/write the craziest things when they’re trying to avoid eternal damnation. I hope his Calling Hours don’t conflict with the Red Sox opener. In other Dan news, this weekend Lifshatz came out as anti-Caitlin Clark. He doesn’t “like the way she plays the game”. Too much flopping. I guarantee that no one ever saw Lifshatz flopping around on the University of Hartford’s tennis courts. Because he plays the game the right way? NO! Because he’s lying about playing Division 1 tennis! Lying Dan Lifshatz easily defeats the corpse of Dan Shaughnessy.
Region N – Mike Kadlick (16) vs Gabby Starr (13) Cinderfella vs Cinderella. Mike Kadlick recently gave a scouting report of Drake Maye. Since Kadlick “played” quarterback in college, you’d think maybe he’d make a salient observation. You would be wrong. Kadlick mentioned how Maye has a great arm and can throw to all three levels of the field. Kadlick then listed these levels as “left, right, and (long pause) center”. This is the kind of insight you get from a Division 3 scrub QB with a 47% completion percentage. Gabby Starr thankfully has not opined on the QB class of 2024. She’s been too busy basking in the afterglow of her brave pro-Tim Wakefield/anti-Curt Schilling article from last week. Say what you will about old Gabs, but she is willing to stick her nose in other people’s business. Hope may spring eternal, but I think Kadlick’s storybook run continues. (I’m literally crying while typing this.)
Mike Giardi (6) vs Jim Murray (2) A battle between two of the most thin-skinned Twitter tough guys in New England. If you haven’t been blocked by either of them, then you haven’t pushed back on one of their crappy opinions. Giardi is odious, but he is an irrelevant has been. Fired from the NFL Network, unwanted and unloved, with no employment opportunities, he finds himself clinging on to Greg Bedard as the remnants of his career quickly circle the drain. Jim Murray, and his deformed skull, are much more deserving off your scorn and your vote.
Region T – Tony Massarotti (1) vs Mark Daniels (5) UPSET ALERT! No one has been campaigning harder for votes in this tournament than Mark Daniels. Mortimer Snerd to Jonathan Kraft’s Edgar Bergen, Daniels has been mouthing the company line of the new look Patriots all across the Twitter-verse. Mazz is annoying, but he’s like stepping in dog shit annoying. Usually easily avoidable, but when he does get you, you’ve only got yourself to blame for walking into it. With the Red Sox irrelevant, and the Patriots in at least a two-year media gifted rebuilding grace period, don’t be surprised if the Beasley Media Group cost-cutters start taking a closer look at Mr. Massarotti.
Albert Breer (3) vs Andrew Callahan (2) There seem to be three kinds of people in sports media this millennia. The few who have beaten the odds and have an audience, the vast majority who are struggling for relevance, and the extremely lucky one’s who are trust fund kids who are “working” just to get out of the house. The later group can brush aside the lack of pay, because to them the exposure is the true reward. Something for mater and pater to brag about at the country club. Breer is the epitome of that group. He’s never had an interesting opinion or broken a story. Anything he writes or says is just the most banal of observations cloaked in faux insider double talk. He’s never had to worry about working for a living so he could afford to take no paying jobs and parlay them into airtime. He may be the most successful no talent in sports media. Andrew Callahan is a slug. He and the rest of his “media good guy” joy boys are in for a rude awakening. Callahan’s starts a little earlier than the others, as Breer breezes into the Hateable Eight.
The 15 