The 15

Sent to us from Patrick in Andover del Norte:

Welcome to unHoly week! The Sour Sixteen, then The Hateable Eight, followed by Easter with the in-laws. I’m more excited than when I got that an 8-day late St. Patrick’s Day card.

Region C – Mike Felger (1) vs Shukri Wrights (NR) It’s a matchup of two carpetbaggers just trying to make it big in good old Beantown. We have the wild card, native New Yorker, and current Philadelphia resident, Shukri Wrights doing battle with the titan of New England sports media, Wisconsin’s own Michael Felger. It’s David vs Goliath, if Goliath was a cuckold germaphobe with granny glasses, and David was a walking malapropism cosplaying as a Bruins fan. Do your Bleav in Ramadan miracles? Me neither.

Chris Gasper (2) vs Rich Keefe (14) There’s no buzz about this matchup. Keefe has benefited from some weak competition in the first couple of rounds. Gasper has been quietly going about his business. He must be saving it for the regional final. Kid Gas low efforts his way through again.

Region V – Tom E Curran (1) vs Adam Jones (12) Jones has been getting more votes than he has listeners. It’s been a good run for the self-proclaimed “Sports Vulva”, but it ends here. Curran is the Carrot Top of the local hot takerz. He’s undoubtedly successful. He probably made you laugh once or twice 20 years ago, but now he’s just hanging on with the same old shtick and no one is quite sure how, or why. Tater Top moves on.

Dan Shaughnessy (6) vs Dan Lifshatz (2) It’s a Dan-off! If his latest column proves anything, it’s that Shank’s heart condition must be terminal. People will do/say/write the craziest things when they’re trying to avoid eternal damnation. I hope his Calling Hours don’t conflict with the Red Sox opener. In other Dan news, this weekend Lifshatz came out as anti-Caitlin Clark. He doesn’t “like the way she plays the game”. Too much flopping. I guarantee that no one ever saw Lifshatz flopping around on the University of Hartford’s tennis courts. Because he plays the game the right way? NO! Because he’s lying about playing Division 1 tennis! Lying Dan Lifshatz easily defeats the corpse of Dan Shaughnessy.

Region N – Mike Kadlick (16) vs Gabby Starr (13) Cinderfella vs Cinderella. Mike Kadlick recently gave a scouting report of Drake Maye. Since Kadlick “played” quarterback in college, you’d think maybe he’d make a salient observation. You would be wrong. Kadlick mentioned how Maye has a great arm and can throw to all three levels of the field. Kadlick then listed these levels as “left, right, and (long pause) center”. This is the kind of insight you get from a Division 3 scrub QB with a 47% completion percentage. Gabby Starr thankfully has not opined on the QB class of 2024. She’s been too busy basking in the afterglow of her brave pro-Tim Wakefield/anti-Curt Schilling article from last week. Say what you will about old Gabs, but she is willing to stick her nose in other people’s business. Hope may spring eternal, but I think Kadlick’s storybook run continues. (I’m literally crying while typing this.)

Mike Giardi (6) vs Jim Murray (2) A battle between two of the most thin-skinned Twitter tough guys in New England. If you haven’t been blocked by either of them, then you haven’t pushed back on one of their crappy opinions. Giardi is odious, but he is an irrelevant has been. Fired from the NFL Network, unwanted and unloved, with no employment opportunities, he finds himself clinging on to Greg Bedard as the remnants of his career quickly circle the drain. Jim Murray, and his deformed skull, are much more deserving off your scorn and your vote.

Region T – Tony Massarotti (1) vs Mark Daniels (5) UPSET ALERT! No one has been campaigning harder for votes in this tournament than Mark Daniels. Mortimer Snerd to Jonathan Kraft’s Edgar Bergen, Daniels has been mouthing the company line of the new look Patriots all across the Twitter-verse. Mazz is annoying, but he’s like stepping in dog shit annoying. Usually easily avoidable, but when he does get you, you’ve only got yourself to blame for walking into it. With the Red Sox irrelevant, and the Patriots in at least a two-year media gifted rebuilding grace period, don’t be surprised if the Beasley Media Group cost-cutters start taking a closer look at Mr. Massarotti.

Albert Breer (3) vs Andrew Callahan (2) There seem to be three kinds of people in sports media this millennia. The few who have beaten the odds and have an audience, the vast majority who are struggling for relevance, and the extremely lucky one’s who are trust fund kids who are “working” just to get out of the house. The later group can brush aside the lack of pay, because to them the exposure is the true reward. Something for mater and pater to brag about at the country club. Breer is the epitome of that group. He’s never had an interesting opinion or broken a story. Anything he writes or says is just the most banal of observations cloaked in faux insider double talk. He’s never had to worry about working for a living so he could afford to take no paying jobs and parlay them into airtime. He may be the most successful no talent in sports media. Andrew Callahan is a slug. He and the rest of his “media good guy” joy boys are in for a rude awakening. Callahan’s starts a little earlier than the others, as Breer breezes into the Hateable Eight.

Patrick is from Andover del Norte.

Sent to us from Patrick in Andover del Norte:

Region C – Jerry Thornton (8) vs Joe Haggerty (9) It’s Hack vs Haggs! A Marine’s dad vs Vince Lombardi’s husband! A son of County Mayo vs a man who only puts mayo his roast beef! I predict Jerry will be here all week. Try the veal.

Trenni Casey (née Kusnierek) (7) vs Evan Lazar (10) I know most of you are planning on voting for that shrieking harpy Trenni, and who can blame you, but please consider a vote for Evan Lazar. He may seem like a non-offensive nobody, but he’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing. The way he avoided last minute cancellation is only topped by Hank Schrader fending of the Salamaca twins. No one has ever deleted tweets as fast. He put his fluids hips and violent hands to use that night. Thanks, Dave! *sigh* If you knew what we knew about Evan Lazar…

Region V – Tom E Curran (1) vs Tyler Milliken (16) Pork pie hat wearing, potato faced Tawm is my favorite to win this year. Milliken is a dime a dozen bearded millennial midday radio producer over at 98.5, he’s a completely fungible asset. Asshat beats asset.

Chad Graff (8) vs Rob “Hardy” Poole (9) Being an 8 seed will end up being the pinnacle of Chad Graff’s career. Any of these media types who also dabble in “adjunct” professorial duties have the shelf life of a redshirt on Star Trek. Graff can see the writing on the wall and smartly prepping for the inevitable layoff. His opponent is the latest former DJ to make the jump to co-hosting morning drive sports radio. Charles Laquidara and Matt Seigel must have been unavailable. Too bad there weren’t any people of color interested in the job. That would have been epic. The Dry Drunk should easily win.

Dan Lifshatz (2) vs John Zannis (15) This is Red from the Tube Bar’s nightmare matchup: Dan Lif-shits vs John’s Anus. I’d prefer to vote for Pepe Roni or Al Keyhollick over these two morons. Dan tears John a new Zannis and advances.

Region N Karen Guregian (5) vs Jon Wallach (12) It’s the rare double bagger of a matchup. If Wallach wasn’t embarrassed enough when the midday flashboy leap frogged him into the morning show’s co-host seat, he should never be allowed to show his face in public again after Guregian curbstomps him.

Bob Ryan (7) vs Brian Barrett (10) It’s 2024 and Bob Ryan still won’t stop complaining about players shooting 3 pointers. There are Japanese soldiers hiding out in the Marianas with less resolve. Also, it’s 2024 and Bill Simmons is still trying to make Brian Barrett a thing? Thankfully Barrett should be off the Pike and on the unemployment line soon. Jurassic Bob roars into round two.

Region T – Tony Masserotti (1) vs Nick Gemelli (16) Jack Woltz would refer to this one as a dago guinea wop greaseball goombah showdown. Mingya Mazz wins easy.

Scott Zolak (4) vs Khari Thompson (13) This match-up should be about as exciting as the “fireworks” Zolak promised us earlier in the week. Khari Thompson probably shouldn’t be in the tournament. He’s not even in sports. He’s a producer at WBUR with a paleontology degree. Someone’s life took a wrong turn somewhere.

Albert Breer (3) vs Nick “Fitzy” Stevens (14) Poor Nick, he made a big run last year, but this year he probably won’t make it out of the first round. Now that Breer’s ban at One Patriot Place has finally been lifted can a triumphant return to 109 Chittenden Avenue be far behind? Fitzy loses to kickoff St. Patrick’s Day weekend.

Patrick is from Andover del Norte.