Tag Archives: sports

4/24/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Busy sports night tonight. And tomorrow!

So, you see, Boston is a city in the United States, which is a different country than Canada, where Toronto is located.

Robert may have yappa-yappa-yappa’d himself out of a spot in the HoF this year? You hate to see it.

Was that foul on Tatum by Martin an example of Heat Culture?

You can win a hockey game scoring only two goals, but you’re more likely to lose.

In short, go to Pittsburgh to catch a game or two. Stay at a hotel where you can walk to the park, see a few museums, stroll around. You’ll have a fine time.

Bobby Orr has looked exactly the same for forty years.

You don’t have to actually watch the Pat McAfee Show, you can follow one of those transcription services. Alex Barth, for example.

Zach Wilson getting traded to the weed capitol of the US is an absolute meme.

Pavel Zacha for Erik Haula – Sweeney’s deal with the Devil(s).

Hey Kevin Maggiore ..Bruins better win this series ..because if they don’t ..they will be consequences

Dave McCarty, he’s with La Schelle Tarver now. RIP to both.

Cakes are cooking for Shirley MacLaine, Rob Hyman, Eric Bogosian, Vince Ferragamo, Michale O’Keefe, Stuart Pearce, Cedric the Entertainer, Dino Radja, Omar Vizquel, Stacy Haiduk, Todd Jones, Ken Klee, Chipper Jones, Lee Westwood, Kelly Clarkson, and Ashleigh Barty.

The lady who plays the lead in those The Nun movies must be freaking stoked when they announce another sequel.

So Gregg Doyel made a fool of himself? What is this, 2015?

The New England Revolution strengthened their backline on Tuesday after trading for 2019 MLS Cup winner Xavier Arreaga from Seattle Sounders FC in exchange for a 2025 international roster slot and up to $75,000 in cash.

Congratulations to Tim ‘Sarge’ McKane on the permanent third banana spot middays.

High stick! Wrong thread.

Hanging off the side of a 20-story building grinding metal in the rain. This is the kind of thing I chose to get good at in life

Blue Line Reminder: Through April 28 Shuttle Buses replace service between Airport and Wonderland due to track work.

A lonesome death? Either multiple people beat the life out of him, or his girlfriend ran him over. Either way he was surrounded by people. And perhaps a dog.

Hello Gang of car petting baggers! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “It’s stupid and frankly gross.”

If I were a goose I’d be a mute one. Honking is so embarrassing.

One other thing about Hubie Brown: anyone who has attended a Hubie basketball clinic or lecture has come away spellbound.

You think Mike Silver still thinks about kissing Wendy Peffercorn?

Rooting for the Red Sox these days is kind of like driving an old beater that you never get serviced. It runs great for a few days, and then something happens, and you have a week of borrowing your brother’s truck.

Father Time Stumped The Schwab.

FYI: Ham salad from Brentwood NH is worse than any bologna I’ve ever had. Just saying.

Instead of ‘doggos’, just say dogs. It’s shorter.

Memories
Light the corners of my mind.
Misty watercolor memories
Of the way we were.

Scattered pictures
Of the smiles we left behind.
Smiles we gave to one another,
For the way we were.

Ever wonder why bread can be in a plastic bag but we can’t pack groceries in plastic bags?

RIP Lawrence M. Krause III.

Working in sports = never not working.

You’ve gotta be a little nuts to be a beekeeper. There isn’t enough money in the world you could pay me to do that.

Not nearly enough people played Horizon Zero Dawn.

Honk if you remember Argeo Paul Cellucci.

Paul Bissonnette is blacker than Deuce Tatum. What?

Liz put me on to Chappell Roan and idk if it’s the ADHD but I‘ve barely listened to anyone else since.

Ryan Poles on if he’s ready to declare Caleb Williams the Bears 1st overall pick: “We know what we’re gonna do, but everyone’s gonna have to wait until Thursday.”

If you have two black swans…

Sal? Don’t worry about him. He’s living in upstate New York, with a nice, loving family on their engagement farm. Plenty of room for him to run around and cancel people!

Carb loading only sounds like fun until you actually have to do it.

I was listening to the Sox game the other night and one of the sponsors is Chock Full o’ Nuts coffee. Like, what the fuck year is this?

Best bet for the weekend: Messi-Mania!

It’s going to be great when he doesn’t play because of the turf.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. People who need people. Are the luckiest people in the world.

And Happy Birthday to actress Melinda Clarke.

April TO’s and Three’s – Celtics Column

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By Vinny Jace, Special to the15net dot com:

(written prior to Game One)

There are two kinds of superstar players in the NBA, those who can get it down in crunch time and those who can get you to their critical moments but needs someone else to finish the job.

For every Jordan, LeBron, Bird, there’s a Ewing, Drexler, and Paul George. You can win divisions, playoff series, maybe even sneak into the finals once or twice, but you’ll never win the title for what ever their shortcoming be.

Thus lay the greater mystery of this sport: what does it take to cross that threshold? Previous test cases like LeBron suggest it is mostly mental, the growth and maturity that comes from failure. Deep down we knew LeBron was always capable of winning the big one. The sensationalist drivel expounded by reporters and fans added theatrics to a rather anti-climactic finale. 

The real “we didn’t think he could do it until he did” example is Dirk Nowitzki. Outmuscled in the 2006 NBA Finals. Mentally deconstructed in the 2007 1st round series vs Golden State. Nowitzki was labeled soft, a poor defender, and someone who wilted under the pressure. From 2008 to 2011 he continued to play at a high level, even though the interest for him waned. The story was written and ready for publishing; another superstar with all the potential unable to take that final step. 

The Germans probably have a word for what Dirk Nowitzki accomplished.

Until the faithful day he rewrote said story. Now the lasting imagine of Nowitzki is not him kicking the ball into the stands as his team implodes to an inferior Miami team. It’s him so overcome with emotion as the seconds trickle down in the Miami arena, LeBron and Wade standing forlorn, the impossible victor retreating from the spotlight to shed a tear in solitude. 

But for every Dirk, there’s players similar to him who are the nail to the superior player’s hammer. Drexler couldn’t beat MJ. Ewing couldn’t beat Olajuwon. Paul George couldn’t overcome himself. 

Can Jayson Tatum overcome the Miami Heat? He did it once before. An underrated gem is his Game 7 in Miami in the 2022 East Finals series. Jimmy Butler being the lone Heat with a pulse for 40 of the first 48 minutes keeping their chances alive, Tatum quietly notched an efficient 26 point effort, including a sick turnaround on Butler before a last ditch comeback by Miami fell so short. It was the most clutch Tatum’s ever been. On the road, all the momentum on the opposing side, and the Celtics led wire-to-wire.

Yet, they almost blew it. The ball continuously found their weakest link (Sorry, Marcus) and the Celtics ran the basketball equivalent of victory formation for the final 3 minutes and 20 seconds. Five of the final six Celtics shots came from Smart, not because of his selfishness, but because of Tatum’s fecklessness. Not wanting to step on anyone else’s toes, not wanting to be the guy everyone looked at for why things went wrong. 

There is no malice in Tatum’s heart when he does this. I sense fear and it extends like the plague to the others. Basketball is a game most akin to spreading a diseases and cures. A good bench is a symptom of an established hierarchy setting the backups to carry the load for the needed respite for the starters. That’s the cure. The disease is if your superstar falters it’s unlikely anyone will save the team. 

The numbers regarding the Celtics in the clutch aren’t initially concerning. Teams tend to slow the pace down and milk the clock when they’re up by a substantial amount. For Boston, the victory cigar is lit up either prematurely or their drop in effort leads to a heart stopping comeback attempt from the opponent. 

Over the years the Celtics have fielded different teams, capable and incapable of certain things. The numbers don’t reflect in a vacuum how they responded to gut check situations, but the situations they often found themselves in. 

The Isaiah Thomas-era Celtics have better numbers in clutch situations than the Tatum-era Celtics, but they rarely ran away with contests and often found themselves going 100% against teams either in their tier of “plucky, but not real contenders” or below. For the past three years the Celtics have found themselves considered top of the heap and they meet that criteria by smashing lesser teams into oblivion. 

So does Boston rank at the bottom of pace in the clutch because opposing defenses up the tension forcing their best players into compromising positions, off balanced shots leading to fast break opportunities? Or is it because they’re bored and we shouldn’t overly react to a game serving little relevance to the standings. 

As a first-round matchup with Miami looms it seems we’ll learn soon enough. 

Vinny Jace appears on the Entitled Weekend podcast. He does not live on an island in the Quabbin Reservoir.

4/17/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Happy trails, fellas.

Enjoy your last few broadcasts before retirement, Jack Edwards. May your muffin never tumble into the Chinese mustard.

Rich Keefe is jealous of Alex Cora’s job security.

Good job running, Sisay Lemma.

I heard the Be Like Mike song and commercials centered around Michael Jordan were originally meant for Mike Gorman.

Everyone’s killing Ippei the interpreter but give him this: he showed good restraint not betting on baseball.

The next time Lucchino dies Henry and Werner will try and make it.

If Norm Macdonald had been alive for everyone giving him his flowers over O.J. it would’ve put him on tilt that he couldn’t fixate on the first day of The Masters.

So, just roll out same menu from 2023 for the Masters Club Dinner next year?

Cakes are cooking for Jan Hammer, Dwane Casey, Nick Hornby, Sean Bean, Norman Esiason, Maynard James Keenan, Henry Ian Cusick, Liz Phair, Marquis Grissom, Adam McKay, Redman, Gordon Laro, Jennifer Garner, Tony Boselli, Kenneth Carlsen, Theo Ratliff, Victoria Beckham, Brad Boyes, and Rooney Mara.

Everybody’s genuine interest in WNBA salaries is duly noted.

There are the owners…and then everyone else. That’s how it works in the NFL. I never forget it.

New England’s professional soccer team fell in penalties last night.

We will all remember Blake Griffin for many reasons, but I will always admire him for his classy Big Brother mentorship on the ‘22-23 Celtics.

Blue Line Reminder: Service changes beginning today for track work. April 17-19: Shuttle Buses replace service between Maverick and Wonderland. April 20-28: Shuttle Buses replace service between Airport and Wonderland.

Hey gang who stans, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Do the roar.”

Orange Line Reminder: April 20-21 (This Weekend) Shuttle Buses replace service between Forest Hills and Ruggles for signal work. Commuter Rail service will be free to ride between Forest Hills, Ruggles, Back Bay, and South Station.

R.I.P. OJ. You taught me it was OK to leave a toxic relationship.

Whenever I listen to Jared Carrabis I feel like I’m listening to Ryan Reynolds. They sound the exact same.

The last thing anyone on the Karen Read did it side wants is a trial.

Hey cicadas, finish the job this time would ya? We get it. You do numbers. very cool. Now do whatever you came to do and get all the way lost. We’ve got enough to deal with.

Why can’t we not be sober?
I just want to start things over.
Why can’t we sleep forever?
I just want to start this over.

I want what I want.
I want what I want.
I want what I want.
I want what I want.

I think, to complete the spirit of Jackie Robinson day, that all of the teams should be required to wear the same uniforms.

Few have ever looked as good as Andrew Garfield in The Social Network.

Cerrone Battle? This is what a March Sadness snub does to people. Motivation. Tough times make tough people.

Sylvester Stallone daughters. Whoa.

Idk if I’m the only one who thinks this, but I swear when a chain coffee shop is in a gas station it tastes a million times better than just a normal coffee shop.

Bob Kraft calling someone “untrustworthy” is like Ray Flynn calling someone else a drunk.

Dolphins GM Chris Grier told reporters that the team plans to pick up the fifth-year options for WR Jaylen Waddle and pass-rusher Jaelan Phillips prior to the deadline.

Honk if your PIN number is baseball related.

If this elbow in injury is the end for Daniel Bard at age 38, he is a person who pitched that I will forever respect. To go without an MLB pitch from 4/27/2013 to 7/25/2020, never surrender, throw 197 games through ’23 w/10K/9 IP with courageous dignity…well, he’s a Bard.

And let’s don’t forget Verne Lundquist. He retired too.

Me? I’m a self-diagnosed autodidact.

Did John Sterling misjudge how many games were left in the season like it’s a fly ball to center?

Free wine? You had me at hello.

Great article in The Athletic about long-overlooked research into the best way to draft in the NFL by Viking beat writer Alec Lewis.

After a magical US Open Cup run, soccer darlings El Farolito fell to the Oakland Roots in the third round.

So long, Phoenix Coyotes. Ice hockey really wasn’t a fit in the high desert. Good luck in, (checks notes) Salt Lake City?

Is a 1 PM start in basketball like an 11 AM start in baseball? Asking for a friend.

I assume NESN brought Jack into a room and played a montage of him saying ‘Jurksztowicz’ this season.

With MLB’s Herzog’s passing, there can’t be that many Whiteys left out there. RIP.

No shame in falling to Denver in the Frozen Four Championship, BC. They never lose those.

No, we can’t exchange Masataka Yoshida for a different Jap player. No substitutions!

If you had told me in early 2011 there would ever be a point I would far prefer the Jacobs Crime Family to the Kraft’s and Henry/Werner, I’d have suggested you should seek help, fuckface.

Really though, O.J. Simpson? Good riddance.

Best bet for the weekend: a few dozen more mockable mock drafts.

Bring him home.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Heh heh, ‘Tool.’

BdlG. Artsy. And freckle-y.

4/3/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Lawrence ‘Larry’ Lucchino. Former Red Sox President/CEO. Complicated legacy, and things of that nature. RIP.

Uh, Dawn Staley; Lisa Leslie? Ever heard of them? Didn’t think so. You’re welcome!

The Revs are the canary in the coal mine. All those problems at the cardboard box factory are spreading throughout Kraft’s empire.

Kim Mulkey dresses like Don Cherry’s spinster niece.

Another arena, Spectrum Center, where the upper deck fans have no shot at the t-shirt toss. #Celtics #Hornets

Opening Day should be a national holiday.

Am I the only one who wants to say Peekie to go along with Geekie? Probably. I’m an idiot.

Cakes are cooking for Jane Goodall, Wayne Newton, Tony Orlando, Alec Baldwin, Eddie Murphy, Mike Ness, Pervis Ellison, Mike Lansing, Picabo Street, Adam Scott, Koji Uehara, Leona Lewis, Amanda Bynes, and Jay Bruce.

The TV closed captioning tried to decipher ‘Flau’jae’. It looked like a Peter Gammons tweet.

Maybe Bobby Dalbec should wear a grapefruit rind under his ballcap the way Babe Ruth did a cabbage leaf?

Out: Spring peepers. In: Spring skiing.

Caitlin Clark definitely deserves the nickname Ponytail Pete, as in Maravich.

Orange Line Reminder: April 6-7 (This Weekend) Shuttle Buses replace service between Forest Hills and Ruggles for signal work. Commuter Rail service will be free to ride between Forest Hills, Ruggles, Back Bay, and South Station.

I just thought I would mention. . .trucks do not have DNA. Appear to be some advertisers who are confused about this.

Zach Edey must get a nice post-game work out, when the villagers chase him home with pitchforks and torches.

I was at Whole Foods (PeteCarrollStrut.gif) and saw a guy who looked EXACTLY like Hitler. Had the ‘stache and everything. My wife wouldn’t let me take a picture.

1,500 hits for Mookie. WCWGPLT?

Hey gang of Squidneck Nostradamuses! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Sensing a Caleb Love takeover game.”

Rashee Rice has ‘running from the cops’ speed.

Not even sure if this food take is controversial but if you haven’t tried mixing Diet Coke with milk you’re missing out.

Brent Rooker’s walk up song is ‘Edge of Seventeen?!?’

Eddie Goldman signed with Atlanta back in 2022, retired, came back in 2023, then was done before training camp. Now, he’s back.

You’ll never guess which Peter Pan media guy is questioning why the fat kid didn’t play football instead of basketball!

Angel Reese wears more makeup during a game than Dakota from Braintree.

Red Line Reminder: April 6-7 (This Weekend) Shuttle Buses replace service between Broadway and Ashmont & Broadway and North Quincy for bridge work & station maintenance. Express shuttles will replace Commuter Rail service between Braintree and South Station as well.

Says James, “In my opinion, there’s nothing in this world,
Beats a ’52 Vincent and a red-headed girl.
Now Nortons and Indians and Greeveses won’t do,
Ah, they don’t have a soul like a Vincent ’52.”
He reached for her hand and he slipped her the keys
He said “I’ve got no further use for these.
I see angels on Ariels in leather and chrome,
Swooping down from heaven to carry me home.”
And he gave her one last kiss and died;
And he gave her his Vincent to ride.

Is there anything more baseball than John Fogerty’s “Centerfield” playing during pregame workouts on a beautiful morning at the ballpark?

Please ban the phrase “Green light special.” I’m begging them.

Shit, I somehow missed this Lou Gossett, Jr. news over the weekend. His performance as Sgt. Foley is nothing short of iconic. Absolutely mesmerizing in the role. What a legend of the industry. “Mayo-nnaise.”

Honk if you remember Janet Marie Smith.

A bit of irony in the fact that KC’s ballpark plan died the same day as Ballpark Builder Larry Lucchino. If Larry had been in charge in KC he would have had architects lined up, land purchased, and a 100-page brochure produced before he said one word about it to the public.

Bob Kraft has black friends! He does!

Smoke bombs and flares from the Club América fans at Gillette. Looked great, plus you couldn’t see, which helps watching the Revs. 4-0.

That breath we all hold when Clark’s shot is in the air..

The clock finally struck midnight on Chinderella Kadlick in Mediot Madness. Sad.

Good thing Dick Flavin went first and spared us a Lucchino poem.

Have fun getting that elusive Soupey without Diggs AND Hamlin, Buffalo.

Best bet for the weekend: Huskies & Boilermakers move on in the men’s tourney.

Eerie.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. The sights and sounds of London Town.

Happy Birthday to Canadian actress Cobie Smulders.
Maybe we can change the sign Thursday, Collaborative. Walk it off.

3/21/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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It’s funny because it’s more bear costume-y than a regular hat.

I’m surprised Shohei Ohtani wasn’t aware that Asians love gambling.

The Celtics would have won by more if either or both of the Antetokounmpo brothers played last night.

Pastrnak has 19 career hat tricks? What a Good Kid he turned out to be.

You can tell by how the guy dribbles before taking the shot if random college basketball player X will drain the free throw.

Why wouldn’t a guy with a history of beard girlfriends also believe in ‘crisis actors?’

Put the Swifties in charge of finding out the truth about Kate Middleton. They’ll have the entire thing sorted and a song written about William inheriting the lying-n-cheating gene from his father before the Eras Tour streams.

What kind of maniac puts peanut M&Ms in cookies?

Aloha means ‘goodbye’. Aloha, Trent Brown.

Cakes are cooking for Tom Flores, Timothy Dalton, Gary Oldman, Lynn Mabry, Slim Jim Phantom, Matthew Broderick, Al Iafrate, Kenny Bräck, Large Professor, Vitaly Potapenko, Marit Bjørgen, Ronaldinho, Franck Perera, and Adrian Peterson.

Love the info. Did a freshman year speech class…speech on that stuff. Very complex. (may have worn IRA sweatshirt as kid)

Red Line Update: Delays of about 25 minutes due to an earlier disabled train at Alewife.

Turtleboy out there saying you shouldn’t harass strangers on the internet because it’s a miserable way to go through life. Okay.

Mike Williams is signing a one-year deal worth up to $15 million with the Jets, per source.

Sweet potatoes are so yummy.

Former Red Sox catcher Oscar Hernandez signed with the Staten Island Ferry Hawks of the Atlantic League today.

A lot of LLCs file in Delaware because of their corporate laws.

That new Husky dog mascot UConn has looks psychotic. Maybe the pup needs to grow into his face a bit.

311 makes Sublime looks like N.W.A.

Hey gang of good listeners! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “He could give aspirin a headache.”

I was the first person in my school (and possibly a much wider geographical area) who had Pogs. My cousin from Hawaii brought them on a visit like a year before they hit the States in full.

The Big East is 0-3 in the NIT after day one.

Since the MLB season stated last night, should I assume that the President was there to throw out the first pitch?

Fun Fact: Kirk Herbstreit’s dog hates him.

Please make a note that the Toucher & Hardy ‘March Flatness’ bit about small-breasted celebrities has been stealth-edited into ‘March Plainness’. Evidently multiple of the contestants are breast cancer survivors. I’m sure 98 point Finn is halfway thru his expose.

Did you know Pat Spencer played lacrosse?

I do enjoy a Fanta Orange on a hot summer day occasionally.

We’re coming up to Greg Hill’s seasonal best ratings period, the ‘My car radio was tuned to WEEI because I was listening to the Red Sox game the night before.’

Tapas, yum.

Read, Karen-ST, S 5’5″, 130 – limited athletically due to stiff hips which hinder her backpedal and driving ability. Wood Hauler’s ass not conducive to defensive backfield play. Big hitter who will kill you if she catches you in open road but tackling ability isn’t strong enough for in the box play. Too slow in coverage to have impact at next level.

Could we have kippers for breakfast?
Mummy dear, Mummy dear?
They got to have ’em in Texas,
‘Cos everyone’s a millionaire.

I’m a winner, I’m a sinner;
Do you want my autograph?
I’m a loser, what a joker,
I’m playing my jokes upon you,
While there’s nothin’ better to do…
Hey!

My cousin and her boyfriend just went to Brazil. He shows up to Sunday dinner, plunks down on the couch next to me and asks if I wanna look at his vacay pics. I point to the tv and said “no.” It’s Selection Sunday. Please. What’s with these people?

Vermont 4 Lexington 3. It’s a Cupset!

Bill Simmons reportedly producing Boston Celtics docuseries for Max.

Aaron Rodgers quitting the Jets to run for VP for the crackpot independent candidate married to Cheryl Hines is by far the best way to conclude CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM, kudos to Larry David for drawing this up.

Honk if you remember Hason Graham.

My two favorite Red Sox pitchers working in split squad games, both on TV. Bello is such a pleasure to watch pitch; always has been, from his first major league start. Tanner Houck is the guy I most root for, although sometimes it’s like rooting for a turtle to cross the road.

Why was Dart Adams excluded from the We Are the World documentary?

College basketball superfans are so weird. You’ve got 100 TV’s; one can be spared for golf and the group of people actually tipping their bartenders.

Real ones know to get the Kielbasa Reuben at Richard’s Grinders in West Springfield.

A five run first inning? Not the worst thing to ever happen to a Yamamoto.

We see it every year: a March Sadness competitor upping their game after they lose their matchup.

I heard Zach Edey just had another growth spurt and he’s 7’10” now.

Curt can’t make it for the Opening Day Ceremony, he’s getting his Luftwaffe uniforms let out that day.

Best bet for the weekend: Brackets. Ruined.

Hey, Ho! Let’s go!

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. One Two Three Five!!

And Happy Birthday to Czech tennis player Karolína Plíšková.

3/6/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Caitlin NMI Clark. Now the all-time leading college basketball scorer. And she did it with a foul shot. Fundamentals!

I’m trying to convince myself that was a scheduled loss for the Celtics, but it feels like a regular loss.

Are the Bruins back on that Overtime foolishness again? I thought we cleared that up last month!

Red Sox might consider just painting BOSTON on the bottom of the AL East standings part of the Green Monster scoreboard. Save an employee some time fiddling with the signs.

I have no worries about the draft. After receiving a few hours of training at the insurance company, Coach Jerod has created a four tab spreadsheet for the draft. He’ll share it with the friendly media at the next beer summit of forgiveness.

Caitlin Clark is going to play for some Panini team in Italy? Weird.

Cakes are cooking for Marion Barry, Ivan Boesky, Cookie Rojas, Kiri Te Kanawa, Hugh Grundy, Martin Kove, Richard Noble, Kiki Dee, Rob Reiner, Eddie Deezen, Tom Arnold, Sleepy Floyd, Carla McGhee, Moira Kelly, Shaquille O’Neal, Greg Ostertag, Ken Anderson, Erik Bedard, and Tyler, the Creator.

How was Episode 5 of The Dynasty not titled ‘Do You Have Any Cassels?’

The way Stilgar was talking about Paul is basically the way Nick Wright talks about LeBron.

Hey gang of engagement farmers! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Every time I look at this bitch, I expect her to start belting out ‘Under the Bridge’.”

A UCL injury for Giolito? Can’t eat innings with one of those. It’s like a busted jaw.

You know, sometimes, imposter syndrome is correct.

Little known fact: Tommy Lister’s famous character Deebo is based off a story Ice Cube heard about a man named ‘Bill the G.’

Is there any available wall space that the Japanese don’t advertise on?

What do you mean there was no three-point shot when Pete Maravich played? This changes everything.

What’s your favorite album with a hidden track over 3 minutes and 32 seconds after the final track?

I believe that Jeff Howe believes he’s fighting a courageous battle.

Orange Line Reminder: March 9-10 (This weekend) Shuttle Buses replace service between Forest Hills and Ruggles for signal work. Commuter Rail service will be free to ride between Forest Hills, Ruggles, Back Bay, and South Station.

Does Bill Simmons think Doncic is Serbian?

Hard to think of a family that has had more bad luck of late than the Wakefields. Thoughts to Trevor and Brianna, who are left to go on without their mother and father far too soon.

The O.J. Simpson case was covered by great crime writers like Dominick Dunne and James Ellroy. The Read case has autistic freaks and unemployable delinquents. Just a murderers’ row of ‘tards.

One Kelce down. One to go.

Mark Dondero is worried that the Celtics might lose one out of every 12 games in the playoffs.

It’s the time of the season
When love runs high
In this time, give it to me easy
And let me try with pleasured hands

To take you in the sun
To promised lands
To show you every one
It’s the time of the season for loving

What’s your name? (What’s your name?)
Who’s your daddy? (Who’s your daddy?)
(He rich) is he rich like me?
Has he taken (has he taken)
Any time (any time)
(To show) to show you what you need to live?

Tell it to me slowly
Tell you what
I really want to know
It’s the time of the season for loving.

For the record, I think kombucha tastes absolutely terrible. Unless it makes me immortal, I don’t think I’m going out of my way to drink it again.

With Matthew Slater retiring, it looks like Jabrill Peppers is the new fan favorite of the returning group. A great choice.

Get your servers in order, men of DraftKings.

Jordan Montgomery is now widely believed to be wearing on the last nerve.

Honk if you miss Jimmy Orthwein.

Watched May December last night. That’s two hours of my life I’ll never get back. Movie is just empty, has nothing to say, no insight into its characters, no action. BAD.

Wait another ten years and Bill Simmons will know about gas station kratom!

A: Scissors, duct tape, elastics.

Is it me or Pizza Hut isn’t as good as it used to be? Like it’s alright but I feel like it’s not as good as it was.

That Sydney Sweeney has a certain je ne sais quoi. Perhaps two.

The two most famous Mickey’s in America are Mickey Mouse and Mickey Mantle.

No, Ryan Mallet was decidedly unavailable.

Do you know what Kate Middleton did the last 14 years of her life? Counterintelligence. Kate’s gone. There is no Kate.

Hearing from multiple sources that some trades may happen on trade deadline week.

Blitzing my way through the Apple TV shows after signing on for The Dynasty, and those twunts on Ted Lasso and Slow Horses say twat all wrong!

Back-to-back threes put the Celtics back in control versus Golden State. Bob Ryan must have hated that.

Have fun in Mid-America, UMass. Or something.

Did they dedicate a picnic table to John and Gerry down to Spring Training?

Congratulations to Captain Brian.

Rigor Mort?

Best bet for the weekend: YOU forgetting to set your clock ahead.

Mix it up with The15’s elite Elk Cavalry at your peril.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Old Friend BBtL, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Handle with care, the digital ink is still wet on this edition.

And happy birthday to actress Connie Britton, of Spin City, Friday Night Lights, and Nashville fame.

Football Cat’s Super Bowl Picks

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Biggest Sportsing Day of the Year, so far.

49ers (-2) at Chiefs in Las Vegas

Patrick Mahomes has more lives than a cat, but I can’t pick against Brock Purrrdy. Competent game management wins Soupeys. So there.

My SB MVP Pick? former Panther Christian McCaffrey

Halftime performance cameo appearance with Usher? Doja Cat.

Best SB commercial: Hellmann’s ‘Mayo Cat’

Mayo Cat

Thanks to all the humans who assisted in me making my picks this year. Except when they steered me into the wrong team. Hiss! Let’s do this next season! Unless I don’t want to.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

2/07/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Both the bar & grill and its namesake are now gone.

With his third DUI arrest, Pat Mahomes Sr. now qualifies as a branch on the Andy Reid family tree.

I wonder how much ownership stake it took for Theo Epstein to agree to be a human shield.

Sick of the BS from the zebras with Marchand again. The entire team can’t get a call because he’s the Captain and was an asshole ten years ago.

Any time you can rig the Super Bowl for a media market smaller than Hartford, you gotta do it.

If you can’t spot the Dan Greenberg of your group chat, then you’re the Dan Greenberg of your group chat.

Cakes are cooking for Rolf Benirschke, Emo Phillips, Carney Lansford, James Spader, Garth Brooks, Chris Rock, Sully Erna, Alex Bassi, Robyn Lively, Steve Nash, Ashton Kutcher, John Leicester, Matt Stafford, and Steven Stamkos.

What am I going to do with all of my extra Bluesky codes now?

Gary Kubiak went the Clemens & Kardashian route of having all his kids names start with K? Gross.

Chris Curtis was excited to announce the news of Carl Weathers passing. RIP.

So they stuffed all the media covering the Super Bowl into the Luxor, which is apparently a dump? Good.

If you have two Patrick Passes, you have none.

Red Line Reminder: Through February 14 Shuttle buses replace Red Line service all day between Alewife and Harvard, due to track work. Shuttle service extends to Park St after 8:45 PM each day. Regular service will resume on February 15.

Would you rather be Nemo from Finding Nemo or the shark from Jaws?

Usher is finishing up a 2-year residency in Vegas. Assumed it was at the Circus Circus buffet.

I’m disappointed in Dumb Donkey Noise.

Bill Clinton’s presidency ended 23 years ago…. and he’s still younger than the two current candidates.

The ‘Ruth Gordon’ IG filter was a bad idea.

Felger must be wondering now if that’s also a fake Gene Lavanchy leaving things at his house.

It would be nice if wrestling fans could just let a story play out instead of thinking they should get instant satisfaction crammed into every 3-hour Raw or 2-hour Smackdown.

Put more jelly on your toast.

News Item: Red Sox to be 1st MLB team featured in all-access Netflix documentary series.

I guess my sarcasm doesn’t always translate.

Hey glow-up gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “She’s lovely, just an enormous waste of humanity.”

I know I’m old and out of loop musically, but if someone is really “iconic,” I really think that even I should have heard of them.

Eric Bieniemy must be the worst interviewee in the world.

1,100 bats seems like a lot of bats.

You can’t use ED to mean ‘eating disorder!’ Those initials are spoken for!

Taylor Kyles can’t keep talking about reviving Mac Jones. He just can’t.

Red Sox Nation is still accepting applications to its in-house tortured poets department.

Get well soon Bill James.

Lombardi bringing up Lee Harvey Oswald at every possible opportunity is a funny bit.

You know I love the ladies
Love to have my fun
I’m a high life flyer and a rainbow rider
A straight shootin’ son-of-a-gun (Alright)
I said a straight shootin’ son-of-a-gun.

Joy to the world
All the boys and girls
Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea
Joy to you and me.

Shukri Wright is owed $46,394.30 and he’ll never find out.

Toby Keith wanted to add Riblets to his Bar & Grill menu; it fell to Upton Bell to inform him that Applebees Owns Riblets.

Honk if you remember Paul & Al’s wacky Claiborne Pell.

Imagine being turned down by Nick Caley, of all people, while you jet off to the Grammys?

Bankrupt Audacy didn’t sent any WEEI talent to broadcast from Radio Row? Weird.

I ain’t calling no grown man, ‘Bronny.’

One week from today Red Sox pitchers and catchers will be holding their first official work out in Fort Myers.

Monique needs to go breathe in the woods.

I wonder if Apollo Creed was based on any real-life pugilist?

Extremely telling and problematic that in sports there are only stats for how many points you scored. No stat for how many spirits you lifted. How many hearts you warmed.

Best bet for the weekend: Tie: Swifties on FlightAware/The Drake Curse.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, BSMW Poster Lebron, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Jeremiah was a bullfrog. He was a good friend of mine.

No shadow so that means an earlier Bianca picture than normal.

Football Cat’s NFL Conference Championship Picks

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Football Cat would knock Will McDonough into a laundry cart.

Four teams, two games. Football Cat predicted three correctly last week. Let’s go!!!

SUNDAY SNACKTIME

Chiefs at Ravens (-3.5)

Don’t like it, but gotta do it.

Missouri has bobcats and mountain lions, Maryland only bobcats. But the Evil Birds are evil and will prevail.

SUNDAY DINNERTIME

Lions at 49ers (-7)

Jungle Kings versus Purrrdy and his Prospectors. The heart wants the felines to win, but the head will stick with San Francisco.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

1/17/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Print your own card and play along at home during the intro presser! (stick tap @SportyRMcKenzie)

Before they bought the team the Krafts were probably shitty fans too. ‘Celebrity caller’ level knee-jerk dinks.

Those half Patriots half Cowboys hoodies are gonna go crazy.

The Good Kid is now in sole possession of 10th place in all time Bruins scoring list.

When Tom Werner said, ‘full throttle’, he meant, ‘due to a scheduling conflict, John W. Henry will be unable to attend the Winter Weekend event.’

WembyamaMania comes to TDGarden!

I don’t like NFL playoff games on Mondays (the originally scheduled one). They could have had 3 games Saturday, 3 games Sunday, and not stuck anyone with a short week in the postseason. It doesn’t seem fair.

Not sure why these players don’t copy Brady and go with a 1-millimeter full body wetsuit. Wouldn’t even know its cold and 1mm is not restrictive at all.

If you’re not Norwegian, you’re Mexican.

Cakes are cooking for James Earl Jones, Todd Susman, Steve Earle, Mick Taylor, Katalin Kariko, Steve Harvey, Chili Davis, Jim Carrey, Shabba Ranks, Jeremy Roenick, Derrick Mason, Zooey Deschanel, Dwyane Wade, Calvin Harris, and Jake Paul.

That is what the Eagles get for putting an offensive coordinator in charge of the defense.

The wrong local team is going full throttle.

I don’t think we appreciate enough how the centers know to snap the ball at a time it won’t bounce off the guy in motion.

Green Line Reminder: No train service between North Station and Babcock St (B), Kenmore (C+D), and Heath St (E) due to track work. Use buses to Copley/Back Bay. Use Orange Line between Back Bay and North Station. Regular service will resume Jan. 29.

Imagine being such a lazy piece of shit that you have to sniff chocolate instead of eating it.

This made me smiggle (that’s a word I made up, it’s smile + giggle)

I have been cancelled he screamed on ESPN while wearing a wifebeater.

Boston: hold my iced Dunkies.

So when is the town hall portion of this year’s Red Sox Winter Weekend?

A major offensive shakeup: The Saints are moving on from OC Pete Carmichael, per me and Tom Pelissero, changing their offense for the first time since 2009.

Hey gang of fabulous fabulists, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I’m strong, athletic, and savvy.”

Has there ever been a major league baseball player who was older than the sitting President?

I enjoyed The Holdovers. My wife found it depressing. I thought it was uplifting. Maybe it was both. Either way, amazing actors.

The carousel is still churning.

Jonathan watching Succession and taking notes like it’s a documentary.

Did Football Cat go 5 for 6 over Super Wild Card Weekend?

Update: Brandon Carlo, Derek Forbort, Matt Poitras, and Linus Ullmark are practicing.

Hear me out here. I would respect the Kyed and Wojak expose from last week a lot more if they actually had to work for it, and weren’t just running PR for Mayo et al.

I think that’s the Snapchat logo above the Rams nameplates. Every. Single. Time.

Help me, baby, ain’t no stranger.
Help me, baby, ain’t no stranger.
Help me, baby, ain’t no stranger.

Can’t you hear me knockin’?
Ahh, are you safe asleep?
Can’t you hear me knockin’?
Yeah, down the gas light street, now.
Can’t you hear me knockin’?
Yeah, throw me down the keys,
Alright now.

Hear me ringin’ big bell tolls.
Hear me singin’ soft and low.
I’ve been beggin’ on my knees.
I’ve been kickin’, help me, please.

The Marcus Stroman return home to New York has its potentil story if his 2d half hip issue(24 IP, after 112.2 in 1st is cured):father Earl a New York policeman, HS Jr. Jayden Duke-bound SS w/R.Cano comp Height Doesn’t Measure Heat Foundation msgical. Cape 2010-11? 34 IP, 0 R

Better Call Saul and Cat Detective, both shut out in Emmy voting. Like equals!

That’s terrible dirt.

Honk if you remember ‘Goodnight Beantown.’

Breakfast lasagna!

Green Bay QB Jordan Love’s girlfriend’s father is Boston College alum Ron Stone.

Feel better, cupcake. You sound like Gina Gershon.

Tom Caron must stare out the window all winter waiting for spring training to start.

Jon Bon Jovi is lucky he got to ring the lighthouse bell when he did.

Welcome back, Anita.

To me, the essence of Bill Belichick is a visor, a whistle wrapped around his finger and teaching moments in late July. Checking on punt protection in a near corner of one practice field. Pulling an undrafted rookie aside for a pointer or two in a far corner of another field…

I’m sure eventually Dak will have more playoff wins than Ryan Tannehill.

Get up, Jim Irsay.

Happy trails, Coach Murphy.

Best bet for the weekend: a spirited fake QB slide competition in Buffalo.

This is a good billboard; no puzzling owl references.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Stop what’s goin’ on, stop what’s goin’ wrong.
You better listen from now on.

And Happy Birthday to singer, songwriter, guitarist, author, and actress Susanna Hoffs.
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