News item: Some new executive orders have just been signed…
“Saturday” will be renamed to “Caturday”.
Catnip will be allowed to flow across the Southern border.
All online betting advisors will be required to publicly display their success rate or something else (*wink wink*).
Amnesty for the accused in the “Shedd Park Incident of July 4 1992”.
Laser pointers will be outlawed.
Designated nap times throughout the day, with comfortable sleeping spots readily available in all public spaces.
All deadbeat squatters will be evicted from the homes of their deceased mother’s former boyfriend. Their cats will be allowed to stay.
Dogs will be banned from most public areas, with designated “dog parks” far away from cat territory.
Anyone using “Y’all” will be banned from all social media platforms, even the Chinese ones.
Humans must be readily available for head scratches and belly rubs whenever a cat desires.
Only Union workers will be allowed on the roads between 4 am and 6 am.
The records from the Loyko investigation must be immediately released.
SUNDAY EARLY DINNER TIME Commanders at Eagles (-6) American Birds haven’t been this surprised by a Commie offensive in January since 1968
On that day our platoon sergeant sacrificed himself so we could all make it home alive. RIP Sgt.Thornton.
SUNDAY EARLY PROWL TIME Bills at Chiefs (-1) As has played out on the great plains for hundreds of years, the Native Americans, once again, take down the Tonawanda Tatanka
The buffalo seemed more stunned by the audacity of the tactic than they are surprised the wolves are actually dudes
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Breaking news from the Football Cat Storm Center, it’s going to be bitter cold at this weekend’s games. How cold you ask? Well, let’s go to a special report from Nimbus, the official cat of the Mount Washington Weather Observatory, for a live report…
NIMBUS: “You want a prediction about the weather? I’ll give you a winter prediction. It’s gonna be cold, it’s gonna be grey, and it’s gonna last you for the rest of your life.”
Yes, Nimbus does like red onions. Why do you ask?
Thanks Nimbus for that in depth forecast. It sounds like you might want to spend some of your future gambling winnings on a Seasonal Affective Disorder light therapy lamp. We hear they do wonders for your mental health.
The official anti-SADs clock/lamp combo thingy of the Boston Herald’s Red Sox part-time beat writer. (If you look closely you can see her reflection “accidentally” caught in the photo of the clock/lamp thingy.)
SATURDAY DINNER TIME Texans at Chiefs (-8.5) Indoor Tex-cats can’t survive in the Chiefs’ winter encampment
It’s not called a WigWarm for nothing folks!
SATURDAY PROWL TIME Commanders at Lions (-9) These indoor cats know where it’s at! The Jungle Kings crunch Commie caps in climate controlled comfort.
Take that you commie rat!
SUNDAY EARLY DINNER TIME Rams at Eagles (-6) Fiery hot Rams blow torch frozen American Birds
When the Linc is overrun with ugly dumb cvnt Rams fans, don’t blame this guy.
SUNDAY EARLY PROWL TIME Ravens at Bills (-1) Scary Black Birds get snowed under by Hairy Cows
They should have flown South for the winter when they had the chance.
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
So, you see, Boston is a city in the United States, which is a different country than Canada, where Toronto is located.
Robert may have yappa-yappa-yappa’d himself out of a spot in the HoF this year? You hate to see it.
Was that foul on Tatum by Martin an example of Heat Culture?
You can win a hockey game scoring only two goals, but you’re more likely to lose.
In short, go to Pittsburgh to catch a game or two. Stay at a hotel where you can walk to the park, see a few museums, stroll around. You’ll have a fine time.
Bobby Orr has looked exactly the same for forty years.
You don’t have to actually watch the Pat McAfee Show, you can follow one of those transcription services. Alex Barth, for example.
Zach Wilson getting traded to the weed capitol of the US is an absolute meme.
Pavel Zacha for Erik Haula – Sweeney’s deal with the Devil(s).
Hey Kevin Maggiore ..Bruins better win this series ..because if they don’t ..they will be consequences
Dave McCarty, he’s with La Schelle Tarver now. RIP to both.
Cakes are cooking for Shirley MacLaine, Rob Hyman, Eric Bogosian, Vince Ferragamo, Michale O’Keefe, Stuart Pearce, Cedric the Entertainer, Dino Radja, Omar Vizquel, Stacy Haiduk, Todd Jones, Ken Klee, Chipper Jones, Lee Westwood, Kelly Clarkson, and Ashleigh Barty.
The lady who plays the lead in those The Nun movies must be freaking stoked when they announce another sequel.
So Gregg Doyel made a fool of himself? What is this, 2015?
The New England Revolution strengthened their backline on Tuesday after trading for 2019 MLS Cup winner Xavier Arreaga from Seattle Sounders FC in exchange for a 2025 international roster slot and up to $75,000 in cash.
Congratulations to Tim ‘Sarge’ McKane on the permanent third banana spot middays.
High stick! Wrong thread.
Hanging off the side of a 20-story building grinding metal in the rain. This is the kind of thing I chose to get good at in life
Blue Line Reminder: Through April 28 Shuttle Buses replace service between Airport and Wonderland due to track work.
A lonesome death? Either multiple people beat the life out of him, or his girlfriend ran him over. Either way he was surrounded by people. And perhaps a dog.
Hello Gang of car petting baggers! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “It’s stupid and frankly gross.”
If I were a goose I’d be a mute one. Honking is so embarrassing.
One other thing about Hubie Brown: anyone who has attended a Hubie basketball clinic or lecture has come away spellbound.
You think Mike Silver still thinks about kissing Wendy Peffercorn?
Rooting for the Red Sox these days is kind of like driving an old beater that you never get serviced. It runs great for a few days, and then something happens, and you have a week of borrowing your brother’s truck.
Father Time Stumped The Schwab.
FYI: Ham salad from Brentwood NH is worse than any bologna I’ve ever had. Just saying.
Instead of ‘doggos’, just say dogs. It’s shorter.
Memories Light the corners of my mind. Misty watercolor memories Of the way we were.
Scattered pictures Of the smiles we left behind. Smiles we gave to one another, For the way we were.
Ever wonder why bread can be in a plastic bag but we can’t pack groceries in plastic bags?
RIP Lawrence M. Krause III.
Working in sports = never not working.
You’ve gotta be a little nuts to be a beekeeper. There isn’t enough money in the world you could pay me to do that.
Not nearly enough people played Horizon Zero Dawn.
Honk if you remember Argeo Paul Cellucci.
Paul Bissonnette is blacker than Deuce Tatum. What?
Liz put me on to Chappell Roan and idk if it’s the ADHD but I‘ve barely listened to anyone else since.
Ryan Poles on if he’s ready to declare Caleb Williams the Bears 1st overall pick: “We know what we’re gonna do, but everyone’s gonna have to wait until Thursday.”
If you have two black swans…
Sal? Don’t worry about him. He’s living in upstate New York, with a nice, loving family on their engagement farm. Plenty of room for him to run around and cancel people!
Carb loading only sounds like fun until you actually have to do it.
I was listening to the Sox game the other night and one of the sponsors is Chock Full o’ Nuts coffee. Like, what the fuck year is this?
Best bet for the weekend: Messi-Mania!
It’s going to be great when he doesn’t play because of the turf.
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. People who need people. Are the luckiest people in the world.
The 15 