Welcome to November! As a gift just for you, Football Cat is giving you an extra hour of sleep on Sunday. Just remember Football Cat’s internal clock is still on Daylight Saving time. Please be considerate to your cats.
Why haven’t I been fed yet?
SUNDAY LUNCH TIME Cowboys at Falcons (-2.5) Birds beat Boys
Broncos at Ravens (-9.5) No post-Halloween hangover for the Scary Black Birds.
Halloween is over people
Dolphins at Bills (-6) Hairy Cows trample Tua
Saints (-7) at Panthers Black Cats get skinned on All Saints Day weekend
Raiders at Bengals (-7) Stripey Cats save their season
roar
Chargers (-2) at Browns Elven magic short circuits the Bolts
This would be a much better mascot than Brownie
Commanders (-3.5) at Giants Red wave drowns the G-men
Patriots at Titans (-3.5) Ass over Tits
As far as the state of New York is concerned, you are the “ASSMAN”
SUNDAY DINNER TIME Bears at Cardinals (-1) Not even two Hail Marys and three Our Fathers will beat the Bears this week.
Better get Pete McNulty on the phone.
Jaguars at Eagles (-7.5) American Birds poop on Spotty Cats
It’s s fun hat
Lions (-3.5) at Packers Jungle Kings devour Meat Men
The lower extremities are never on sale
Rams (-1.5) at Seahawks Rams steamroll Seattle
SUNDAY PROWL TIME Colts at Vikings (-5.5) Vikings rape and pillage poor Jumpball Joe.
Poor Joe
MONDAY PROWL TIME Buccaneers at Chiefs (-8.5) The march towards perfection continues.
TUESDAY ELECTION TIME Remember,when in doubt vote Football Cat. Vote early and vote often!
Welcome to the “Era of Good Felines”
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Please join us in wishing a very Happy 14th Birthday to Football Cat!
In lieu of gifts please show your support by purchasing some wonderful genuine merchandise. Football Cat’s birthday comes but once a year, so splash out some of that cash you’ve been accumulating from following the picks.
SUNDAY LUNCH TIME Ravens (-9) at Browns Unless the Browns are starting Tippi Hedren at quarterback, expect the Scary Black Birds to run rampant.
They should remake this movie with cats.
Titans at Lions (-11.5) Jungle Kings bounce Tits
Colts at Texans (-6) Texans corral the Colts
Get along little kitties!
Packers (-4.5) at Jaguars Pack Men make mincemeat out of the jet-lagged Spotty Cats
Not again!
Cardinals at Dolphins (-3) Drips dizzy Dolphins drop Deacons
Jets (-7) at Patriots Mayo is not handing in his D.O.R just yet. Jets crash and burn. Love lifts us up where we belong.
He’s got nowhere else to go!
Falcons (-2.5) at Buccaneers Mmmmm, creamsicles.
With just 100 calories per bar, it’s the classic ice cream on a stick dessert that you can enjoy without guilt.
Eagles at Bengals (-2.5) Stripey Cats feast on American Birds
The Migratory Bird Treaty Act was not violated in the making of this image.
SUNDAY DINNER TIME Saints at Chargers (-7.5) Saint Eligius’ gang defeats the Saints
Yes, even electricians have a patron Saint.
Bills (-3) at Seahawks Fake Sea Birds upset Hairy Cows
Bears (-2.5) at Commanders Marxist Mariota leads the Commies to victory
“Quarterbacks control the means of offensive production.”
Panthers at Broncos (-9) Black Cats have trouble adapting to the thin air
At altitude, cats prefer hockey.
Chiefs (-10) at Raiders Mahomes’ team finally defeats Brady’s team
SUNDAY PROWL TIME Cowboys at 49ers (-4.5) Federales rob gold diggers
Badges? Badges! We don’t need to show you any stinking badges!
MONDAY PROWL TIME Giants at Steelers (-6.5) Giants can’t defeat Men of Steel
Good luck getting a kid into “Walter’s International Wax Museum” for 40 cents nowadays.
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Congratulations on all that sweet cash you made following last week’s picks (10-3 against the spread, and 11-2 straight up – not that we’re keeping track). As a way of saying “thank you”, head on over to the official The 15 Store and load up on some genuine merch during the big October sale.
I can’t believe this awesome shirt is on sale for only $16!
SUNDAY TEA TIME Patriots at Jaguars (-5.5) Spotty cats lose to New England in Olde England.
SUNDAY LUNCH TIME Bengals (-4.5) at Browns Stripey cats use the Dog Pound as their litter box.
It’s actually an improvement.
Lions at Vikings (-1.5) Jungle Kings knee cap the Vi-Kings
Texans at Packers (-3.5) Texans grind up the Meat Men
Someone get Upton Sinclair on the phone.
Eagles (-3.5) at Giants Baby New York wins the game, but loses the Belichick Bowl.
And they have pretzels
Dolphins at Colts (-3.5) Drips dizzy Dolphins dropped
Seahawks at Falcons (-2.5) Real birds defeat fake sea birds.
Titans at Bills (-8.5) You’ll see tits on a bull before you see the Tits beat the Bills.
Superfluous
SUNDAY DINNER TIME Panthers at Commanders (-7.5) The Swamp Things may not be as good as they’ve looked, but the Black Cats are worse than they’ve looked.
Raiders at Rams (-5.5) Cleveland-LA-St. Louis-LA Rams win the Transient Bowl over the Oakland-LA-Oakland-Las Vegas Raiders
I once faced down the devil.
Chiefs at 49ers (-1) 49ers win the Super Bowl rematch, but don’t actually avenge the loss, then spiral into a deep depression.
I’m sorry, did you say something? I wasn’t listening.
SUNDAY PROWL TIME Jets at Steelers (-1.5) Men of Steel master Metropolis
It’s a bird…it’s a plane… no wait, it’s eaten the bird… all the birds.
MONDAY EARLY PROWL TIME Ravens (-3.5) at Buccaneers Scary Black Birds get Buccan-owned
MONDAY ACTUAL PROWL TIME Chargers (-2.5) at Cardinals The bad night for birds continues as the pretty Red Birds get zapped.
Shocking!
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Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Happy Columbus Day/Canadian Thanksgiving/Indigenous Peoples’ Day weekend to all who celebrate. If you’re NOT looking for something to do this weekend, make sure to check out the Fall Event Avoidance Generator. Otherwise make sure to dress warmly whilst you enjoy the foliage train.
Of course I’m having fun. Why do you ask?
SUNDAY TEA TIME Jaguars at Bears (-2) The Shaguars love playing in London.
Yeah Baby!
SUNDAY LUNCH TIME Cardinals at Packers (-5) Meat men make mince-meat of pretty Red Birds.
Texans (-7) at Patriots Rod Rust will be one game closer to popping that heavenly champagne. 1-16 here we come!
They really needed the “Friday Funny” back in 1990
Buccaneers (-3.5) at Saints Hopefully this win will help the residents of Florida’s Gulf Coast heal.
Commanders at Ravens (-6.5) Black Birds fend off the Swamp Things.
Murderous Crows!
Browns at Eagles (-9) Predators over Sexual Predators.
Colts at Titans (-2.5) Will Levis is tanned and rested, and ready to lead the Titans to another loss.
Put me in, coach
SUNDAY DINNER TIME Chargers (-3) at Broncos Broncos bust Bolts.
Steelers (-3) at Raiders Rooneys rout Raiders.
Falcons (-6) at Panthers
It’s a shameful day in the community when the Black Cats lose to a bunch of birds.
Shame!
Lions (-3) at Cowboys Kings of the Beasts bests the ‘Boys
SUNDAY PROWL TIME Bengals (-3.5) at Giants Stripey Cats save their season by cutting the Giants down to size.
I can see East Rutherford from up here!
MONDAY PROWL TIME Bills (-2.5) at Jets The new coach bounce gets the Jets into a tie for first place in the pathetic AFC East
*Football Cat cannot be held responsible for any loss that maybe be incurred as a result of following the betting tips provided on this site. If you or someone you know has a sports betting or gambling problem, please call 1-800-GAMBLER or visit The National Council on Problem Gambling for more information and further assistance. In Massachusetts call 1-800-327-5050 (MA).
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
More wins than losses Week 4. How many more? Exactly enough, wise guy. Week Five:
(Bye week teams: Pumas, Plugs, Phils, & Pontoons)
SUNDAY TEA TIME Jets vs Vikings (-2.5) Biggest Viking defeat in England since the Battle of Stamford Bridge back in 1066.
Wot wot?
SUNDAY LUNCH TIME Panthers at Bears (-4) Black Panthers haven’t partied like this since the days of Bobby Seale and Huey Newton.
You dig?
Ravens (-2.5) at Bengals Stripey cats take down scary black birds.
Bills (-1) at Texans Tatanka topple Texans.
Sorry ’bout that pardner.
Colts at Jaguars (-3) Spotted cats will need to leave the country to find a win.
Dolphins at Patriots (-1) Mayo’s mutineers drop Coach Drip.
I’ll take any mutineers nose and hang them by the highest yard marker!
Browns at Commanders (-3) Mystical fairy men get bogged down in the Maryland malarial swamp.
SUNDAY DINNER TIME Raiders at Broncos (-3) What do you call a giant hill made of kittens? A meow-tain! (Try the veal, tip your waitresses and take Denver.)
erk!
Cardinals at 49ers (-7.5) Purrrdy feasts on pretty Red Birds.
Packers (-3.5) at Rams Meat men master muttons.
Giants at Seahawks (-6) Fake Sea Birds sasquatch the Giants
Is that BSJ’s John Karalis?
SUNDAY PROWL TIME Cowboys at Steelers (-2.5) Men of Steel win the Super Bowl X, XIII, and XXX rematches!
MONDAY PROWL TIME Saints at Chiefs (-5) After KC wins they will have successfully completed the first quarter of their inevitable march to a perfect season/three-peat.
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Too many, too soon, no more Super Sky Points please!
It’s okay, Pete Rose only bet on himself to make 84.
Like two minutes into his first game and I’m already sick of all the Bruins skirts calling Zadorov, “Zaddy.”
WHO WANTS TO FAWCETT MUTOMBO!?
Jerod Mayo doesn’t have a plan, “Eliot and I” have a plan. That rat fuck mentions “Elliot” more than E.T.
For what it’s worth, I hoped that the Red Sox won Game 162 if only so Joe Castiglione can call a win in his final game. Call me sentimental, but that matters more to me than a draft pick.
Those 30 million Pete Rose-signed baseballs just went up $.03 in value.
Have to wonder if Chris Sale’s psychosomatic back spasms are a result of guilt surfacing from his subconscious about how much money he’s stolen.
Cakes are cooking for Dick Barnett, Don McLean, Skip Konte, Avery Brooks, Donna Karan, Annie Liebovitz, Michael Rutherford, Bill Elliott, Sting, Lorraine Bracco, Philip Oakey, Gordie Roberts, Glenn Anderson, Mark Rypien, Sheila Echols, Floyd “Bud” Gaugh, Eddie Guardado, Kelly Ripa, Tiffany, Aaron McKie, Lene Nystrøm, Paul Teutul Jr, Tyson Chandler, Phil Kessel, Ricky Stenhouse Jr, and Brittany Howard.
This postseason, MLB should replace John Smoltz with Tom Hardy doing the Bane voice for one inning and *not* explain it at all, just having him call the game straight up.
I still have no fucking clue what Dirty Water TV actually is. But I love that they only hire shameless whores.
AHL jobbers taking runs at real NHL players in fake games. Smdh.
Notice that a hurricane never *moves* toward land, or *races* toward land; they always *barrel.* Not sure how that became the go-to word.
Green Line Update: Shuttle buses will continue to replace service today between North Station and Medford/Tufts & Union Sq. Union Sq. riders can use bus routes 86, 87, or 91 to connect to shuttles or the Orange Line.
With all the love shown to Joe Castiglione this year, you’d think WEEI’s ratings would be better than they are.
Joey Slye could be your kicker for the next 10 years…
Hey gang of useless Hufflepuffs, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Wands up tonight my fellow Potterheads.”
RC-celeb, people glom on to anything for a shred of notoriety. Radio call-in guest has to be lower than starring in an anal warts cream commercial.
Hard to believe Wakey has been gone a year now.
Orange Line: Trains may travel at reduced speeds or stand by at stations while maintenance personnel conduct track inspections near Haymarket.
Does anyone know how old Alabama WR Ryan Williams is?
Shohei this year might be a Level-1 MVP season, whereas Dick Groat in 1960 or Jim Konstanty in 1950 are like. ..well, they had to give the award to somebody, I guess. Level 10 MVPs.
Everyone hated ESPN’s Christian Yelich in-game interview.
Every time I see bicyclists while driving now, I think of Johnny and Matthew Gaudreau. They should still be here.
Wait, actors have imposter syndrome? Isn’t that their job?
NESN ‘borrowed’ the MSG feed to honor Sam Rosen who has been calling games since 1984 and is retiring at the end of the season you clueless slob. At least that what I heard!
In a couple of days we should learn how much his injury settlement lowered Armon Watts’ cap number of $2,169,765.
Jarrod Saltalamacchia has big shoes to fill in taking over for Jeff Trundy as manager of the Falmouth Commodores in the Cape Cod Baseball League next summer.
No, you give me $5!
Dame Maggie Smith, RIP. Always thought she was the Penguin in The Blues Brothers but that was Kathleen Freeman.
Dirty Water TV is like the early ‘90’s Simpsons writers’ room for braindead whores.
Jerod Mayo says it is “definitely under consideration” that RB Antonio Gibson starts over Rhamondre Stevenson on Sunday after Stevenson has fumbled in each of the first four games.
Seventy-three men sailed up From the San Francisco Bay. Rolled off of their ship, and here’s what they had to say; “We’re callin’ everyone to ride along to another shore. We can laugh our lives away and be free once more.”
But no one heard them callin’ No one came at all. ‘Cause they were too busy watchin’ those old raindrops fall. As a storm was blowin’ out on the peaceful sea, Seventy-three men sailing off to history
Ride, captain ride upon your mystery ship. Be amazed at the friends you have here on your trip. Ride captain ride upon your mystery ship. On your way to a world that others might have missed.
I was blessed to see Addams Family Values on tv. Raul Julia was a master actor. I miss him so much.
Castiglione has been a leading Clemens propagandist for decades.
I can’t believe they went to a mini pride rally and a WNBA Playoff game broke out!
Every white dude ends up looking like a lesbian eventually.
ESPN keeping Kendrick Perkins over Zach Lowe might be worse than when the Sixers kept Tobias Harris over Jimmy Butler.
Honk if you remember Steve Sabol.
Can October be scripted? It’s tempting to say yes, but I say no.
Had a dream last night that DeVonta Smith was on the New England Patriots. No idea what year it was.
Jerry Tarkanian must be spinning in his grave seeing UNLV failing to pay players.
“At least Rashee Rice went out doing what he loved. Ending a drive with a horrible collision and immediately leaving the scene.” -Brandon Carney
Does Boston College play John Ashcroft’s ‘Let the Eagle Soar’ after football games? Well they should.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory reminds me of baseball. There were the awful kids who were there for the wrong reasons, and there was Charlie, who just loved candy. Maybe it’s childish, but baseball needs owners who are Charlie’s, not Veruca Salt’s & Mike TeaVee’s.
Is ‘Center’ an important position in football? Because it sounds important.
Red sox may or may not increase payroll, may or may not increase ticket prices, may or may not miss the playoffs again next season. Super. Good press conference.
A happy Rosh Hashanah to all my friends who celebrate.
Spike Lee pretend to be a Liberty fan now?
Best bet for the weekend: Pats going to get their teeth kicked in by a man named ‘Snoop’.
Less than ideal.
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Come And Get Your Love.
October Fundraising Drive – If you have been a loyal reader of the Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer columns, thank you. Or maybe you are taking Football Cat’s betting advice? Or perhaps you enjoyed the 2024 Local Mediot Tournament, or the ones previous, or the articles investigating our local sports media, or the Twitter hijinks of the local collaborative, if so, please consider making a one-time donation. Site registration isn’t free and comes due mid-month. Or in the alternative visit our The15 Genuine Merchandise page and buy a shirt or a mug? Up to you. Thanks for reading.
Week 3 review. Not as good as week 1, but not as bad as week 2. Acceptable.
SUNDAY LUNCHTIME Saints at Falcons (-2.5) When in doubt, always bet against the bird team.
Rams at Bears (-3) LA wins the Second City Bowl.
Not the Hollywood hills. Probably.
Vikings at Packers (-2.5) The Sam Darnold experience comes to its inevitable end.
Steelers (-2) at Colts Go Horse.
Go Horse!!!
Broncos at Jets (-7.5) New York nixes Nix
Eagles (-2) at Buccaneers American birds soar over soggy field conditions.
Bengals (-4.5) at Panthers Some cat fights are more visually appealing than others (e.g. Lucy vs Taylor). You can avert your eyes from this one. Stripey over black.
Achtung: Panzer!
Jaguars at Texans (-6) Spotted cats have to win sooner or later. It will be later.
Zzzzz
SUNDAY DINNERTIME Commanders at Cardinals (-3.5) Little Red Birds are too tired after their long flight and fall to the Commies.
Patriots at 49ers (-10) Hopefully the residual Friday Funny effect can carry the locals through the Sunday Sads. Purrrdy pummels Pats.
Browns at Raiders (-2) Go with the Elves over the Elvis impersonators.
TCB.
Chiefs (-7) at Chargers Kelce will score 3 TDs as Andy Reid finally cracks open the Taylor Swift playbook.
Wait, what?
SUNDAY PROWLTIME Bills at Ravens (-2.5) Hairy cows aren’t afraid of scary Black Birds.
MONDAY EARLY-PROWLTIME Titans at Dolphins (-1) Look for the Tits to burst out in Miami.
Jan Hammer Miami Vice theme music intensifies
MONDAY PROWLTIME Seahawks at Lions (-3.5) Big Cats bring the Fake Sea Birds down to Earth.
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Yeah, I know. Even the clamdicappers were laughing at how terrible my picks were last week. I probably would have told you the Pats were going to cover the spread versus the Planes Thursday. What can I say? It was a very tough week to be a cat. Plus, I only got 19 hours of sleep the day before. On to this week…
SUNDAY LUNCHTIME Giants at Browns (-6.5) If YOU think some Giants are going to waltz into Elf Land and come away victorious, then I’ve got some magic beans to sell you.
Bears at Colts (-1.5) Colts clobber Caleb.
Alliteration! Awesome!
Texans (-2) at Vikings Sam Darnold will be seeing ghosts and stars after this one.
Eagles at Saints (-2.5) American birds can’t win on American soil. They should keep flying South.
Chargers at Steelers (-1.5) One Har-bro can beat all your Primanti Bros put together.
French fries and cole slaw INSIDE the sandwich!?!
Broncos at Buccaneers (-6.5) Fun fact: Bo Nix has the shortest full first and last name combo in NFL history. Hopefully that will assuage his grief after yet another loss.
Packers at Titans (-2.5) Pack men gobble up tits.
SUNDAY DINNERTIME Panthers at Raiders (-5) Black cats ride the Red Rocket to victory!
firework noises!
Dolphins at Seahawks (-4.5) Fake Sea Birds drop Coach Drip’s Dolphins.
Lions (-3) at Cardinals Jungle Kings don’t even both trying to find the pretty Red Birds kneecaps, they just devour them whole. A little shakin’, a little tenderizin’ and down they go.
Ravens (-1) at Cowboys Scary Black Birds open a can of whoop ass at Jerry’s World.
49ers (-6.5) at Rams Brock Purrrrdy continues to make everyone forget about the worst trade in NFL history.
SUNDAY PROWLTIME Chiefs (-3) at Falcons Every fan in attendance gets two bags of chips, two hot dogs and unlimited drink refills. Which is good because they aren’t getting a win.
MONDAY PRE-PROWLTIME Jaguars at Bills (-5) Someone needs to ask Trevor who he is tanking for.
WHO ARE YOU TANKING FOR???
MONDAY PROWLTIME ACTUAL
Commanders at Bengals (-7.5)
Stripey cats get off the schneid on their own schedule, very feline of them.
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
The BBQ Sundae at the Big E was too much even for me.
Hey Lama, how about a little something, for you know, the effort?
I hope you set aside some of Week One’s winnings to buy some treats for Football Cat!
SUNDAY LUNCHTIME 49ers – 5 vs Vikings Brock Purrrrrdy and the prospectors plunder the Vikings
Chargers -5 vs Panthers Black cats can’t help crossing their own path, get zapped by Chargers.
ZZap!
Colts -2.5 vs Packers Horsies stomp the Meat Men into the unfrozen tundra of Lambeau Field.
Giants vs Commanders -1.5 Pituitaries pound Pol Pots.
Saints vs Cowboys -6 Jerry Jones and his many illegitimate children must have had a good laugh after reading that article about Rub-and-Tug Robert’s Hall of Fame struggles. Jerry’s good time keeps rolling.
Cheshire Cat grin
Browns vs Jaguars -3 Spotty cats devour the mystical fairyland sprites.
Jets -3.5 vs Titans My father Bert Bell tells me that in 1959 this would have been a match-up between the “Titans of New York” and the “Oilers of Houston”. Much like Lucy will ultimately outlast Taylor, the original Tits triumph over the new Tits.
Rrrowwl
Buccaneers vs Lions -7.5 Jungle Kings feast on pirate patellas.
Raiders vs Ravens -9 Scary birds don’t break a sweat.
Caw
Seahawks -3.5 vs Patriots Good thing mean old Bill is gone, otherwise he’d inexplicably replace Malcom Butler as honorary lighthouse keeper at the last minute – with no explanation! WTF! The Mayo-noise will be earsplitting after the Patriots start 2-0.
SUNDAY DINNERTIME Rams vs Cardinals -1 Male sheep stomp pretty red birds.
Bengals vs Chiefs -5.5 Stripey cats get their first win of the season at Burrowhead.
Me heap big appropriate your culture!
Steelers -2.5 vs Broncos Men of Steel can’t handle the thin air. The mile high horses run wild.
SUNDAY PROWLTIME Bears vs Texans -6.5 After the he messes with Texas, Calib Williams will be left in tears, seeking solace in the loving embrace of his mother’s arms.
MONDAY PROWLTIME Falcons vs Eagles -6.5 I love watching birds fight! The American birds prevail and the losers gets in my belly!
You, uh, you white meat or dark meat?
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
The 15 