Tag Archives: Gambling

05/14/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Miss Maine 2025 is apparently from Bangor. Supply the requisite punchline yourselves.

It’s like none of you guys think Finals MVP Jaylen doesn’t have it in him to carry this team to eleven more wins.

Not trading Devers to the Padres unless Orsillo is in the package.

Show Maple Leaf Square!

If I were on trial I’d probably just call in sick until they give up.

Flagg’s parents are very anti-Zionist and with Miriam Adelson owning the Mavericks expect some litigation and fireworks to get his signature on a contract w the Mavericks. This is not a done deal by any stretch.

You know who belongs in the Hall of Fame? Luis Tiant.

On May 11, 1888, a baby boy named Israel Beilin was born in Tyumen, Russian Empire. His family emigrated here in 1893 and his songs would make America a better place. You and I know him as Irving Berlin.

Al Horford has great foul-protesting eyebrows.

What are the duties of Miss Maine? Does she get to ceremonially shutter paper mills?

Cakes are cooking for Tony Pérez, Francesca Annis, George Lucas, Al Ciner, Walter Olkewicz, Season Hubley, David Byrne, Robert Zemeckis, Tom Cochrane, Alain Vigneault, Tim Roth, C.C. DeVille, Ian Astbury, Pat Borders, Fab Morvan, Pooh Richardson, Raphael Saadiq, Cate Blanchett, Danny Wood, Sofia Coppola, Shanice, Amber Tamblyn, Mark Zuckerberg, Robert Gronkowski, and Kristina Mladenovic.

I don’t know who Mo Khan is but he looks like he’s depriving the Heat of a perfectly hateable role player off the bench.

Cena’s gonna slap the ref and get DQed isn’t he?

If you want me to be an adult about the Tatum injury, you have to stop tweeting about WWE and Marvel movies.

Lynn Ferry Update: The Lynn Ferry will resume its normal schedule tomorrow, May 15, at the start of service.

You can’t say “folks” when you have seven followers.

I’ve been a toilet-owner for decades and there are still few things that cause a momentary spike in blood pressure like flushing a toilet and watching the water level proceed to rise.

Nick Wright’s mom always has to tell him, ‘stop arguing with me, you’re too smart.’

Losing to a shitty Knicks team was the impetus for Ainge making the tear-down trade that got them Tatum and Brown.

Hey gang of persons of interest! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “He’s just asking for bleach soap.”

Tommy Heinsohn always thought T.J. McConnell was underrated and should be getting more minutes on whatever team he was on. Ish Smith was also in that category for Tommy.

Mazzulla needs the chess master to teach him how to tank.

It’s weird that the media collectively decided it’s ok to call Jordon a whore and a floozy. If we are done supporting women in sports, let’s bounce Doris, ASAP. Also, “she’s unqualified!” For what? Are there 8 years of schooling for personal assistants I’m unaware of?

You ever throw on some Gregory Alan Isakov and stare at the trees? Is that just me?

The trope that good teams win the one-run games is, of course, the exact opposite of what the data shows to be true. Good teams have a better winning percentage in 2-run games than 1-run games, better in 3-run margin games than 2-run games, etc.

Luckily the Dubs got Playoff Jimmy so that if something were to happen to Curry the whole thing wouldn’t immediately go tits up.

Heavily agree with OB here. No better smell on this planet than fresh mulch.

That pop for LA Knight tho. #WWEBacklash

The damage done to society by pretending broads are funny is immeasurable.

Pete Rose will now be eligible for Hall of Fame consideration. Never forget that while Pete Rose may have loved baseball more than anyone on earth, he loved gambling more.

There’s a city in my mind
Come along and take that ride
And it’s alright, baby, it’s alright

And it’s very far away
But it’s growing day by day
And it’s alright, baby, it’s alright

And would you like to come along?
You could help me sing this song
And it’s alright, baby, it’s alright

They can tell you what to do
But they’ll make a fool of you
And it’s alright, baby, it’s alright

We’re on a road to nowhere (hey)
We’re on a road to nowhere (hey)
We’re on a road to nowhere (hey-hey)

Not really looking forward to the next Celtics City episode featuring the Jordan Walsh Era.

The older you get, the more you begin to talk about the first job you got out of college like you’re Quint from Jaws.

The Athletic sending Buckley to cover Miss Maine feels like an HR violation.

Honk if you remember Skylab.

Should I bring a bottle of white wine, or red to the NFL schedule release party?

OG Anunoby 3-pointer in the first minute was later removed during a break when replay showed it was released after the 24-second clock drained. … Usually you only see points come off the board in Jeopardy.

The new Pope should go on Hot Ones.

I believe the NBA believes they have a draft lottery.

Teams in two-team cities should trade parks once a year just for kicks. White Sox play a series in Wiggley, Mets play a series in Janqui, Dodgers play a series in Anaheim. Giants not required to trek to Sacramento.

A sense of joy is the best way to approach every day. Tatum on pointe.

I heard Yoshida is at the point in his rehab where he is not ‘actively frightened’ by being in the same room with a baseball.

Best bet for the weekend: college commencement ceremonies. Wear sunscreen.

Big Jim Murray looks like a disinherited Saudi prince.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Blue skies smiling at me. Nothing but blue skies do I see.

And happy birthday to actress & singer Miranda Cosgrove.

Football Cat’s Pick for Super Bowl LIX

LIX and licks

As we close the books on yet another record setting campaign of profitable professional pigskin prognostications, we here at Football Cat World Headquarters would like to reflect back on all the wonderful things that happened over the course of the season. Who can forget when that crazy thing happened to that guy on that team way back in September? And then that other thing came out of nowhere and caught everybody off guard. People are still talking about how we will never see something like that ever happen again! And don’t get me started on that wild and crazy thing that made headlines for days on end. The airwaves are still sizzling from all the hot takes. So many memorable moments, there a just too many to mention. What an unforgettable season!


And finally, a big shout out to the intern for always keeping the drinking water cool, his lap warm, the snack drawer full and the litter box empty. Imagine doing all that work for no pay and no college credit? We wish you the best of luck in all your future endeavors.

(Intern’s Note: What? )


To play us out, we turn the clock all the way back to 1966 when “The Happenings” were happening…
See you in September
See you when the summer’s through

Bye-bye, so long, farewell
Bye-bye, so long

Vaya con dios muchachos!

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Chiefs (-1.5) at Eagles
It started at the very first Thanksgiving, when William Brewster’s wife’s green bean casserole gave Hobbamock a severe case of gastroenteritis. And it’s been all downhill since then, from the Manhattan land deal, to small pox, to the Indian Removal Act of 1830, then the Battle of Wounded Knee and the Trail of Tears, all the way to the Indian Gaming Regulatory Act of 1988, and the cultural appropriation by Iron Eyes Cody, Chief Jay Strongbow and that guy in the Village People. For over 400 years, the American Birds have been continuously getting the better of the Indigenous Peoples. The subjugation will continue in New Orleans.

He’s not crying because the Chiefs are going to lose, he’s crying because he found out that he’s an Italian

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Championship Sunday Picks

News item: Some new executive orders have just been signed…

  1. “Saturday” will be renamed to “Caturday”.
  2. Catnip will be allowed to flow across the Southern border.
  3. All online betting advisors will be required to publicly display their success rate or something else (*wink wink*).
  4. Amnesty for the accused in the “Shedd Park Incident of July 4 1992”.
  5. Laser pointers will be outlawed.
  6. Designated nap times throughout the day, with comfortable sleeping spots readily available in all public spaces.
  7. All deadbeat squatters will be evicted from the homes of their deceased mother’s former boyfriend. Their cats will be allowed to stay.
  8. Dogs will be banned from most public areas, with designated “dog parks” far away from cat territory.
  9. Anyone using “Y’all” will be banned from all social media platforms, even the Chinese ones.
  10. Humans must be readily available for head scratches and belly rubs whenever a cat desires.
  11. Only Union workers will be allowed on the roads between 4 am and 6 am.
  12. The records from the Loyko investigation must be immediately released.

SUNDAY EARLY DINNER TIME
Commanders at Eagles (-6)
American Birds haven’t been this surprised by a Commie offensive in January since 1968

On that day our platoon sergeant sacrificed himself so we could all make it home alive. RIP Sgt.Thornton.

SUNDAY EARLY PROWL TIME
Bills at Chiefs (-1)
As has played out on the great plains for hundreds of years, the Native Americans, once again, take down the Tonawanda Tatanka


The buffalo seemed more stunned by the audacity of the tactic than they are surprised the wolves are actually dudes

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Divisional Round Picks

Breaking news from the Football Cat Storm Center, it’s going to be bitter cold at this weekend’s games. How cold you ask? Well, let’s go to a special report from Nimbus, the official cat of the Mount Washington Weather Observatory, for a live report…

NIMBUS: “You want a prediction about the weather? I’ll give you a winter prediction. It’s gonna be cold, it’s gonna be grey, and it’s gonna last you for the rest of your life.”

Yes, Nimbus does like red onions. Why do you ask?


Thanks Nimbus for that in depth forecast. It sounds like you might want to spend some of your future gambling winnings on a Seasonal Affective Disorder light therapy lamp. We hear they do wonders for your mental health.

The official anti-SADs clock/lamp combo thingy of the Boston Herald’s Red Sox part-time beat writer.
(If you look closely you can see her reflection “accidentally” caught in the photo of the clock/lamp thingy.)


SATURDAY DINNER TIME
Texans at Chiefs (-8.5)
Indoor Tex-cats can’t survive in the Chiefs’ winter encampment

It’s not called a WigWarm for nothing folks!

SATURDAY PROWL TIME
Commanders at Lions (-9)
These indoor cats know where it’s at! The Jungle Kings crunch Commie caps in climate controlled comfort.

Take that you commie rat!

SUNDAY EARLY DINNER TIME
Rams at Eagles (-6)
Fiery hot Rams blow torch frozen American Birds

When the Linc is overrun with ugly dumb cvnt Rams fans, don’t blame this guy.

SUNDAY EARLY PROWL TIME
Ravens at Bills (-1)
Scary Black Birds get snowed under by Hairy Cows

They should have flown South for the winter when they had the chance.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Wild Card (Wildcat?) Weekend Picks

Happy days are here again! The skies above are clear again, Let us sing a song of cheer again, Happy days are here again!

Our brief regional nightmare is over!


Friends, last Sunday was a day of independence for all Patriots fans and their descendants!

If you don’t agree that the high point of the season was watching Thunder eat a big shit sandwich on Monday, then you are just weird! Weird! WEIRD!

But have no fear weirdos, you can still admit the error of your ways and join those of us who were right all along. You have no idea how your life is gonna improve as a result of this. Food tastes better. The air seems fresher. You’ll have more energy and self-confidence than you ever dreamed of! I am as giddy as a drunken man!

We tried to warn you!


SATURDAY DINNER TIME
Chargers (-3) at Texans
Bolts barbecue Texans

Fun fact

SATURDAY PROWL TIME
Steelers at Ravens (-9.5)
Scary Black Birds snowplow Steelers

I think he’s still upset, or he’s pooping. He’s probably pooping.

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Broncos at Bills (-9)
Bills bounce back, beat Broncos

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Packers at Eagles (-4.5)
Bert Bell’s American Birds send Green Bay packing

Fake hair, real teeth

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Commanders at Buccaneers (-3)
Bucs master the Commanders

MONDAY PROWL TIME
Vikings at Rams (-1.5)
Rams host a Viking funeral (in Glendale, AZ)

Thoughts and prayers to our SoCal readers

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 18 Picks

Happy New Year! Welcome to 2025 and the final week of the NFL regular season. Unlike almost every team in the league, Football Cat is going to give a full 100% effort in Week 18.  There will be no tanking nor relaxing at this address. Although I do find staring at a fish tank very relaxing.

Tanking sounds like fun!

SATURDAY DINNER TIME
Browns at Ravens (-17.5)
Scary Black Birds feast on stale Brownies

This better be a brownie

SATURDAY PROWL TIME
Bengals (-1.5) at Steelers
Stripey Cats get the W but not a spot in the ‘yoffs

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Panthers at Falcons (-8.5)
Black Cats smack down a flaccid Penix

Looks more like a pickle

Commanders (-4.5) at Cowboys
Commies win and get in

Bears at Packers (-9)
Hibernating Bears get ground up by Meat Men

I am not a bear!

Jaguars at Colts (-4.5)
Spotty Cats trampled by Horsies

Bills (-2.5) at Patriots
Patriots finish the season the same way it started with an idiotic Gatorade bath for Coach Mayo

He better hope that’s “victory” mayonnaise

Giants at Eagles (-3)
G-men do more damage to their draft position

Saints at Buccaneers (-13)
Bucs plow through New Orleans

Texans at Titans (-1)
Tits hold firm against Texans backups

I meant to type “Got It”. (Avert your eyes!)

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
49ers at Cardinals (-4.5)
Pretty Red Birds fly high into the off-season

Chiefs at Broncos (-11)
Broncos win by default

Seahawks (-5.5) at Rams
Fake Sea Birds romp over resting Rams

Chargers (-5.5) at Raiders
Never forget that Kraft didn’t even bother to interview Brother Jim

Oy vey iz mir!

Dolphins (-1.5) at Jets
The incoming Undersecretary for Health and Human Services closes out his NFL career with a win


SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Vikings at Lions (-3)
Jungle Kings nosh on Nordic knee caps

He’d rather be seeing ghosts



Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 17 Picks

Happy New Year from Football Cat!

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind? The answer is a resounding “YES”! It’s best to leave the past in the past. Your New Year’s resolution should be to not dwell on lost loves and move forward. New year, new you. Don’t spend your nights listening to Spotify and crying yourself to sleep over what might have been with Olivia or Jackie or Brad. Lift a cup of kindness and throw it right in their face!

Happy Mew Year!

Or you could just resolve to stop drinking again.

SATURDAY LUNCH TIME
Chargers (-4) at Patriots
Patriots shock the Bolts like it’s 1985

In 2025 Coach Mayo resolves to be even more open with his good friends in the media.

SATURDAY DINNER TIME
Broncos at Bengals (-3)
Stripey Cats keep their playoff chances alive

SATURDAY PROWL TIME
Cardinals at Rams (-6)
Rams rout Red Birds

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Colts (-7.5) at Giants
Giant tank job continues

Now that’s a giant tank!

Jets at Bills (-10)
McDermott’s men hijack Jets and send them crashing back to Earth

Never forget

Titans at Jaguars (-1)
Spotty Cats can’t handle Tits

Raiders (-1.5) at Saints
Raiders win again, they must really hate the idea of drafting Shedeur Sanders.

Panthers at Buccaneers (-8)
Scary Black Cats sink Bucs

Tampa should have consulted “Unsinkable Sam”

Cowboys at Eagles (-9.5)
American Birds keep the pressure on the Jungle Kings

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Dolphins at Browns (-6.5)
Elves shelve Miami

Don’t eat the brown fish

Packers at Vikings (-1.5)
Vikings mince Meat Men

I’d rather be plundered

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Falcons at Commanders (-4)
Commies swamp Falcons

MONDAY PROWL TIME
Lions (-3.5) at 49ers
Jungle Kings poach Prospectors’ patellas

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 16 Picks

City sidewalks, busy sidewalks, dressed in holiday style, in the air there’s a feeling of Christmas. And in the spirit of the holiday season, the animals of The 15, and animals adjacent to The 15, have pooled their meager resources and gifted Football Cat a well deserved week off.

This isn’t as easy as it looked

SATURDAY LUNCH TIME
Texans at Chiefs (-2.5)
Marv thinks that, while the Chiefs may appear harmless, KC will suddenly snap and go for the Texans jugular.

Hi Marv!

SATURDAY DINNER TIME
Steelers at Ravens (-6.5)
Jocko isn’t a fan of the Black Birds, he takes the Steelers.

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Cardinals (-4.5) at Panthers
Jocko also isn’t a fan of the Black Cats, he takes the Cardinals.

Jocko puts up with a lot

Giants at Falcons (-9)
Rams (-3) at Jets
Spuckie the rat loves both New York teams to at least cover.

Spuckie loved going on long walks with his owner LJ Sandwich (OOTGs)

Lions (-6.5) at Bears
Gus takes Detroit in a huge bounce back game in chilly Chicago after a loss against Buffalo.

Gus is a much gooder friend than Mac

Titans at Colts (-3.5)
Millie says to lay it all on the Tits

Pay attention to Millie!

Eagles (-3.5) at Commanders
Remi takes the Eagles over the Commanders.

Drinks?

Browns at Bengals (-7.5)
The Cleveland Pig digs the Browns (and truffles).

I love that pig

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Vikings (-3) at Seahawks
Loki wishes he could fly like a real non-existent Seahawk.

One day that will be me up there

Jaguars at Raiders (-1)
And Jocko really doesn’t like the Black Hole!

49ers at Dolphins (-1)
Jasper would prefer backing a team from Virginia Beach, but Miami Beach is a close second.

Poor Jasper

Patriots at Bills (-14)
Bo has unwavering faith in the Coach Quick Slants.

I live with a talking potato

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Buccaneers (-4) at Cowboys
Dooze loves the Cowboys especially when they play with their roof open.

Did you hear about the dog park on the moon?

MONDAY PROWL TIME
Saints at Packers (-13.5)
Paco backs the Meat Men, preferably with a nice coating of Rub Smoke Love BEEF CAKE premium all-natural beef rub and seasoning.

All the best food seasonings are sold at True Value

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Meowy Christmas!

Football Cat’s Week 15 Picks

Interns beware! It’s that festive time of year again, tonight is the “The 15’s Annual Office Holiday Party”. ( It used to be the “The 15’s Annual Office Christmas Party”, but Carl did 23andMe this past year and, oy gevalt, he’s suddenly kosher.) But have no fear! Whether you spin the dreidel, or your savior was born in a stable, all you have to do is follow Football Cat’s 7 simple tips for a funtastic Office Holiday Party…

Spot the total number HR violations in this picture! Whoever comes closest will win a bonus day off* (*unpaid)
  1. Show Up: You do not want to be labeled as a party pooper. Get your ass to the party, they’ll be free drinks (see Tip #2).
  2. Drink: Drink! There’s nothing people like more than talking about the person who had too much to drink at the office party. You’re just providing a public service.
  3. Eat: If you don’t eat, you’ll get drunk too fast (see Tip #2). It’s science.
  4. Dance: On the floor, on the table (see Tip #2) , whatever it takes.
  5. Talk to the Big Boss: Make sure you’ve had a couple of drinks first (see Tip #2) . And make it quick. Get in, get out. Don’t linger.
  6. Play Your Transportation By Ear: You’re going to drink (see Tip #2) so don’t drive, but don’t plan ahead either. There’s definitely someone in the office with Clara Barton Syndrome, or maybe it’s Clara Nightingale Syndrome – whichever the nice one was. It doesn’t really matter, just don’t puke in Clara’s car.
  7. Be Prepared: Bring an extra pair of underwear, your toothbrush and your passport. You never know what will happen (see Tip #2).

Good luck and have fun (see Tip #2)!

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Chiefs (-4.5) at Browns
Chiefs scalp the Elves

Payback is a bitch

Bengals (-5) at Titans
Stripey Cats pancake Tits

Tigers and pancakes? Someone’s getting cancelled.

Commanders (-7) at Saints
Godless Commies decanonize Saints

Ravens (-14.5) at Giants
Scary Black Birds jar Giants

Cowboys at Panthers (-2.5)
Scary Black Cats spook America’s Team

I’m dreaming of a Black Sunday

Jets (-3.5) at Jags
My Good Friend Mac finally owns!

This time for sure!

Dolphins at Texans (-3.5)
Texans barbecue Dolphins

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Colts at Broncos (-4)
Big Broncos corral lil’ Colts

Go Horse(s)!

Bills at Lions (-2.5)
Hairy Cows trample Jungle Kings

Steelers at Eagles (-5)
Yinzers take the Keystone State Cup

Patriots at Cardinals (-6)
Pretty Red Birds fly past Mayo’s men

Stay strong Drake-A-Maniacs!

Buccaneers at Chargers (-3)
Brother Jim Hawkins’ gang zaps swashbucklers

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Packers (-3) at Seahawks
Fake Sea Birds aren’t in the mood for Love.

MONDAY EARLY PROWL TIME
Bears at Vikings (-7)
Vikings plunder hibernating Bears

Sounds like a Pixar movie

MONDAY PROWL TIME
Falcons (-5) at Raiders
Too bad Jerry Glanville isn’t alive to see his Falcons take down the Elvis impersonators #RIP

Wait… what?

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 14 Picks

Have no fear! Even though the local gridironers are enjoying a weekend away, getting tanned and rested, there’s no bye week for Football Cat!

Don’t we have interns to cover for me for one week?

And remember, it’s not just the bye week, it’s also the BUY week at the official the 15 net store! If you don’t shop during the big holiday sale, you’re just wasting money. It’s basic math people.

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Jaguars at Titans (-4)
Tits motorboat Spotty Cats

My good friend Mac in happier times

Jets at Dolphins (-6)
Tua melts Jets

I prefer a little dolphin in my tuna

Falcons at Vikings (-5.5)
Vikings rape Raptors

Saints (-4.5) at Giants
David takes down Goliath

You don’t want to get on Davey’s bad side

Panthers at Eagles (-12)
Scary Black Cats spook American Birds

Browns at Steelers (-6.5)
Yinzers flush Browns

If it’s brown flush it down!

Raiders at Buccaneers (-6.5)
Bucs win the biggest pirate fight since the Battle of Cape Lopez

What do you call a pirate with a cat on his shoulder? A purr-ate.

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Seahawks at Cardinals (-2.5)
Pretty Red Birds pluck Fake Sea Birds

Bills (-5) at Rams
Horny Sheep win the Bovidae Battle

Me so horny!

Bears at 49ers (-4.5)
Prospectors wake the sleepy Bears, get mauled.

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Chargers at Chiefs (-3.5)
Native Americans short circuit Plugs

Trail of Tears? Sounds like my prom night!

MONDAY PROWL TIME
Bengals (-5) at Cowboys
Stripey Cats do Dallas

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

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