Happy days are here again! The skies above are clear again, Let us sing a song of cheer again, Happy days are here again!
Our brief regional nightmare is over!
Friends, last Sunday was a day of independence for all Patriots fans and their descendants!
If you don’t agree that the high point of the season was watching Thunder eat a big shit sandwich on Monday, then you are just weird! Weird! WEIRD!
But have no fear weirdos, you can still admit the error of your ways and join those of us who were right all along. You have no idea how your life is gonna improve as a result of this. Food tastes better. The air seems fresher. You’ll have more energy and self-confidence than you ever dreamed of! I am as giddy as a drunken man!
We tried to warn you!
SATURDAY DINNER TIME Chargers (-3) at Texans Bolts barbecue Texans
Fun fact
SATURDAY PROWL TIME Steelers at Ravens (-9.5) Scary Black Birds snowplow Steelers
I think he’s still upset, or he’s pooping. He’s probably pooping.
SUNDAY LUNCH TIME Broncos at Bills (-9) Bills bounce back, beat Broncos
SUNDAY DINNER TIME Packers at Eagles (-4.5) Bert Bell’s American Birds send Green Bay packing
Fake hair, real teeth
SUNDAY PROWL TIME Commanders at Buccaneers (-3) Bucs master the Commanders
MONDAY PROWL TIME Vikings at Rams (-1.5) Rams host a Viking funeral (in Glendale, AZ)
Thoughts and prayers to our SoCal readers
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
So long, Coach Mayo. Congratulations on a job, done.
The Patriots are interviewing Mamadou Ndjaiye for the head coaching position tonight from 8:00-8:05.
Bruins need a shakeup.
Dianna Russini is getting scoops left and right while Jeff Howe is having fake mini strokes and manifesting moles.
What weird thing will Jerry Thornton tweet out today?
Man, the Bills have become the smart franchise, and we have become the Bills. We’re teetering on becoming the Jets.
I know all he’d talk about is fashion and Broadway musicals but would Gasper satisfy the Rooney Rule?
So this Joy Whatever apparently fucked her way to the top of the Women in Sports ladder, and I had never heard her name before yesterday? And she had a real “in sports” gig and completely set the movement back 50 years by sleeping her way in. Brava, Joy.
Remember that thing Phil Perry did? No? Exactly.
Only the best and brightest people analyze professional wrestling.
Cakes are cooking for Shirley Bassey, Bob Eubanks, Boris Vallejo, Little Anthony, John Podesta, John McTiernan, Harriet Sansom Harris, Mike Reno, Rey Misterio Sr., Chris Marion, Hiromi Kobayashi, Michelle Forbes, Willie Anderson, Ami Dolenz, Brian Johnson, Paul Carey, Jeff Abercrombie, Billy Joe Hobert, Jason Giambi*, Brandie Burton, Vitali Yachmenev, Rachel Nichols, Jeff Francis, Gaby Hoffman, Kim Jong-Un*, Jeff Francoeur, and Cynthia Erivo.
Covid did away with the ‘bag your own candy’ section of the supermarket.
Watched Wicked last night and it was a blast. The 2:40 running time flew by. Couldn’t believe Ariana Grande was that friggin’ hilarious. The songs were killer. And the themes were universal like they were in TWoO. Definitely have a re-watch in the future.
‘New England had the worst roster in the league!’ is a thing people are just saying now, like, ‘Miami has a population of 17 million people.’
Green Line E Branch: Delays of about 15 minutes due to a disabled train at Ball Square. Trains may stand by at stations.
Tactical spork!
Skip Bayless running the ol’ Ernie Boch Jr, “Boy oh boy do I love having hot, penis into vagina sex! With women!” play.
Hey gang of functional illiterates, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Why they ain’t been did it?”
Michael Vick was the greatest running QB ever. He also might have as the strongest arm in the league. I saw he Tear two defensive players ACLs on one play.
If you really wanna get your blood boiling on a Saturday, go to COSTCO first thing in the morning.
Joy having a bunch of thirst trap picture is great too, because every time the “in sports” people get called on that they pretend one thing isn’t related to the other.
I fondly remember going to see dozens of highly-touted Red Sox draft picks flounder at McCoy.
The best bang for anyone’s buck at the grocery store is a box of microwave popcorn. Tell me I’m wrong.
My blood pressure has dropped 50 points since I decided to (metaphorically) embrace Upton instead of hating him.
“Joy, because of you, my son wants to be a woman. In sports.” – Magic Johnson
Provolone makes up 2.5% of the cheese produced in the U.S. with 370 million pounds of provolone made in 2023.
When the best player in the world is just across the bridge, you get your ass to the barn.
Dude, it’s VrabEL.
Jerod Mayo. When you need a win he loses and when we need a loss he wins. It’s like he’s working undercover for another NFL organization!
Bootlegging boozer on the west side Full of people who are doing wrong Just about to call up the DA man When I heard this woman singin’ a song
A pair of 45s made me open my eyes My temperature started to rise
She was a long cool woman in a black dress ‘Bout a 5’9″, beautiful, tall With just one look I was a bad mess ‘Cause that long cool woman had it all.
I applied self-tanner yesterday and it’s very mild but oh man am i so back baby i wasn’t depressed i just was pale.
Mean ol’ Bill better not leaved all those HS seniors and collegiate student-athletes in the lurch!
Loved Nosferatu. Didn’t love spending $6 on a bottle of water.
There are people who actually purchased Bailey Zappe Patriots jerseys…you know who you are.
I had a grilled cheese and a PB&J smoothie for dinner. Truly living the best life.
Honk if you remember Larry Storch.
If you’re going to be one of these smarmy in sports cvnts you cannot look like a Star Wars background character.
“Peanut butter skin” is a phrase I’ve never heard before.
The Patiots placement near the top of the 2025 Draft order opens many interesting scenarios given the high probability of them trading back to fill multiple needs & and also staying open to a variety of trade proposals—including for name players that other teams need to be move for cap reasons.
Pro Tip: Don’t wear that tan suit from your wedding in your business profile pic.
Where does that Rear Admiral get all that energy?
Bob Veale was kind of the National League’s Sudden Sam McDowell. Both were BIG, left-handed fireballers who were wild enough to make you nervous, same era, and Pittsburgh/Cleveland. Veale was probably a hair better than Sam, but a lot the same.
Bob’s a liar, Jerod knew.
That’s two trash days in a row it was too windy to put the recycling bin on the curb.
Does Vrioni even speak French?
I’m glad they gave that nice Katie Nolan another chance to grab the brass ring.
Best bet for the weekend: Mahomes doubtful for the bye week with a nagging injury.
Is Coco Higgins available to be interviewed for any and all NFL head coaching vacancies?
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Don’t step on my blue suede shoes.
And happy birthday to child actress & now musician Jenny Lewis.
Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind? The answer is a resounding “YES”! It’s best to leave the past in the past. Your New Year’s resolution should be to not dwell on lost loves and move forward. New year, new you. Don’t spend your nights listening to Spotify and crying yourself to sleep over what might have been with Olivia or Jackie or Brad. Lift a cup of kindness and throw it right in their face!
Happy Mew Year!
Or you could just resolve to stop drinking again.
SATURDAY LUNCH TIME Chargers (-4) at Patriots Patriots shock the Bolts like it’s 1985
In 2025 Coach Mayo resolves to be even more open with his good friends in the media.
SATURDAY DINNER TIME Broncos at Bengals (-3) Stripey Cats keep their playoff chances alive
SATURDAY PROWL TIME Cardinals at Rams (-6) Rams rout Red Birds
SUNDAY LUNCH TIME Colts (-7.5) at Giants Giant tank job continues
Now that’s a giant tank!
Jets at Bills (-10) McDermott’s men hijack Jets and send them crashing back to Earth
Never forget
Titans at Jaguars (-1) Spotty Cats can’t handle Tits
Raiders (-1.5) at Saints Raiders win again, they must really hate the idea of drafting Shedeur Sanders.
Panthers at Buccaneers (-8) Scary Black Cats sink Bucs
Tampa should have consulted “Unsinkable Sam”
Cowboys at Eagles (-9.5) American Birds keep the pressure on the Jungle Kings
SUNDAY DINNER TIME Dolphins at Browns (-6.5) Elves shelve Miami
Don’t eat the brown fish
Packers at Vikings (-1.5) Vikings mince Meat Men
I’d rather be plundered
SUNDAY PROWL TIME Falcons at Commanders (-4) Commies swamp Falcons
MONDAY PROWL TIME Lions (-3.5) at 49ers Jungle Kings poach Prospectors’ patellas
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
The Celtics can’t just have an off-game or not play their best. Any loss is an indictment of their system and the coaching that goes into it. Like the Dynasty Patriots when every win was a formality, and every loss was a referendum on the team’s legacy. It’s fucking tiresome. They lost by 4, so chill the fuck out and shut the fuck up. This team is fine.
Rickey doesn’t like this talk about Rickey being dead. Hopefully someone tells his John Olerud story again.
My favorite Shaq endorsement is printer ink.
Say what you will about Craig Breslow, but a guy who spends his Christmas Eve searching for Mickey Gasper trade partners is a guy I want running my baseball team.
Milt Pappas is a great name.
So the late and bafflingly lamented Bunky Donaldson was a negative piece of shit even during the most impressive dynasty in team sports history? Good guy! He will not be missed in this quarter, despite his savant-like ability to ‘phone a restaurant and make reservations.’
Mina Kimes providing *significantly* more insight and information than RGIII and Teo is really tough for the “you have to play football to analyze football” crowd.
Pneumonia is psychosomatic.
You can have a turnover-prone running back and win games. You can have a turnover-prone quarterback and win games. But it’s tough to win games having both.
I’ve had a theory since I was a kid but I’ve never known if it makes any sense, but it’s that the sharp/crisp sound of the audio of movies in theaters is meant to subliminally make you want to buy popcorn because of how crisp popcorn sounds when you say it.
Cakes are cooking for John Walsh, Carlton Fisk, Chris Chambliss, Ozzie Smith, Peter Woods, David Sedaris, Gail Tatterson, Karen Smith, Adrian Newey, Temuera Morrison, Lars Ulrich, Tim Legler, Jared Leto, Ryan Berube, Tiffany Brissette, Tony Brackens, Chris Daughtry, Kit Harrington, and Lucille Burdge.
Also, is it just me or are popcorn ceilings designed to make you reflexively say, “did you finish?”
Getting my period tomorrow and sobbing after two drinks today because Randy Moss doesn’t have a super bowl ring.
Wait, what?
Dickie V is going to Beetlejuice his cancer back.
Newburyport Train 146 (7:54 am from Newburyport) is cancelled due to a mechanical issue. Passengers will be accommodated by Train 148 (8:49 am from Newburyport). Passengers between Beverly and N Station may also consider Train 106 (8:13 am from Rockport).
I’m trying to figure out what ‘Sopan Deb’ is an anagram for.
Stormy Buonantony can’t be real.
Orlando and Philadelphia going with the old Pistons the end theory. Just foul every play. They won’t call them all.
I don’t have Netflix so I can’t watch football.
Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Nothing good ever comes from fucking around with a white girl.”
not even a full hour after everyone left did i start taking down my christmas decor. not because i was sick of it, but because the post christmas depression is too real.
Lobsters aren’t fish.
I’d like to know more about the welding school gap year.
When the literal sound of unclean audio is best explained by the word POP you might need to huddle up and run it again, stupid.
I had a dream last night that I met Sylvester Stallone and his wife. His hair was kinda blonde, which was surprising, but all I wanted to do is tell him how big a fan Kirk Minihane was of his and how the Rocky movies were some of his favorite movies (as if that was some big revelation). He was a great guy (duh!) and I was about to take a photo with him so I could share with you all on X, but then I woke up damnit. I swear I didn’t even take a gummy before bed. But alas, here’s to a very Merry Christmas to Sly and Kirk as well!
The name “Bregman” means a person who lives near a river or stream. So I’m sure the Charles would work in his favor.
Fun Fact: Bruins defenseman “Terrible” Ted Green set NHL penalty record of 3 minors, 2 majors & 2 game misconducts in a game against NY Rangers in NY’s Madison Square Garden on this day in 1968.
Have you ever met anyone that watches Charlie Moore?
I get all the rapes and pedophilia at Happy Valley, but what an atmosphere going on there during the college football playoffs.
Every time I read Shalise Manza Young’s name I hear Jose Feliciano saying it to the tune of Feliz Navidad:
Shalise Manza Young, Shalise Manza Young. She’s not with her family she’s in Foxboro, watching Patrick Chung.
Shalise Manza Young. Shalise Manza Young. Shalise Manza Young She went into the baño, Oh, what have they done?
I want to wish you a Merry Christmas, It’s just a shame when somebody pisses, On the seat where the chica sits-es, And then the crust from the Pizza Huuuuut!
Walker Buehler feels like an excellent addition for the Boston Red Sox. I hope their new starters from Vanderbilt (Buehler) & Tennessee (Garrett Crochet) can get along in Boston.
Tony Brothers looks like someone tried to Grok “Black Pete Abraham.”
Had a Buffalo Chicken Wrap for lunch, could have used more blue cheese tho.
Honk if you remember the last time there was a White Christmas.
Six-time NBA All-Star Jimmy Butler prefers a trade out of Miami ahead of the Feb. 6 deadline according to league sources.
19 pitchers in baseball history have finished the season with exactly 10 wins and 18 losses. The first pitcher ever to do that was Ned Garvin, with the Cubs in 1900. The last pitcher to do it was Jerry Garvin, with the Blue Jays in 1977.
Beyoncé should have had to rope a calf.
I swear a lot of American pro sports teams have teenagers running their social media accounts.
Travis Kelce sounds like he’s trying to make up for Mahomes’ lack of blackness.
Best bet for the weekend: white boy Ladd McConkey.
Did Mina ask to be dressed like an anime villain? If so: nailed it.
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I’m your dream, make you real.
And a happy Boxing Day birthday to English singer Jade Thirlwall, formerly of Little Mix, which could be a band, or a village.
Have no fear! Even though the local gridironers are enjoying a weekend away, getting tanned and rested, there’s no bye week for Football Cat!
Don’t we have interns to cover for me for one week?
And remember, it’s not just the bye week, it’s also the BUYweek at the official the 15 net store! If you don’t shop during the big holiday sale, you’re just wasting money. It’s basic math people.
SUNDAY LUNCH TIME Jaguars at Titans (-4) Tits motorboat Spotty Cats
My good friend Mac in happier times
Jets at Dolphins (-6) Tua melts Jets
I prefer a little dolphin in my tuna
Falcons at Vikings (-5.5) Vikings rape Raptors
Saints (-4.5) at Giants David takes down Goliath
You don’t want to get on Davey’s bad side
Panthers at Eagles (-12) Scary Black Cats spook American Birds
Browns at Steelers (-6.5) Yinzers flush Browns
If it’s brown flush it down!
Raiders at Buccaneers (-6.5) Bucs win the biggest pirate fight since the Battle of Cape Lopez
What do you call a pirate with a cat on his shoulder? A purr-ate.
SUNDAY DINNER TIME Seahawks at Cardinals (-2.5) Pretty Red Birds pluck Fake Sea Birds
Bills (-5) at Rams Horny Sheep win the Bovidae Battle
Me so horny!
Bears at 49ers (-4.5) Prospectors wake the sleepy Bears, get mauled.
SUNDAY PROWL TIME Chargers at Chiefs (-3.5) Native Americans short circuit Plugs
Trail of Tears? Sounds like my prom night!
MONDAY PROWL TIME Bengals (-5) at Cowboys Stripey Cats do Dallas
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Don’t worry, a deranged pilot is not going to fly a blimp into an NFL stadium near you. It means it’s your chance to save SAVE SAVE!
Just visit the the official “The 15” store, and with a few clicks (and a valid credit card) you can take care of all your holiday shopping and enjoy all the football.
Them ore you spend the more you SAVE! (It’s simple mathematics)
Shop early and often, and remember to tell them that Football Cat sent you.
SUNDAY LUNCH TIME Chargers (-1) at Falcons Plugs zap Raptors
Steelers at Bengals (-3) Men of Steel cage Stripey Cats
Roar!
Texans (-4) at Jaguars Spotty Cats claw their way to victory
Cardinals at Vikings (-3.5) Pretty Red Birds should never have flown north.
Frozen Red Bird patties are good eating
Colts (-2.5) at Patriots To all the little Drake-a-Maye-niacs, say your prayers, take your vitamins, and enjoy the win heading into the bye week.
You may not like it… but accept it!
Seahawks (-2) at Jets Fake Sea Birds ground Jets
Titans at Commanders (-5.5) Commies blast all over Tits
Hey, my eyes are up here.. WTF!
SUNDAY DINNER TIME Buccaneers (-5.5) at Panthers Black Beards sink Black Cats
The impending cannibalism makes it funny
Rams (-2.5) at Saints The Lord’s shepherds sheer the hairy sheep
Eagles at Ravens (-3) Scary Black Birds rule the roost
Honk if you remember Marlin Perkins
SUNDAY PROWL TIME 49ers at Bills (-7) Prospectors get snowed under in Buffalo
MONDAY PROWL TIME Browns at Broncos (-5.5) Elves can’t handle the elevation
It really messes with his GI tract.
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
In honor of the big (BIG!) PRE INFRA-BLACK FRIDAY sale at the official the 15 store, Football Cat is generously giving out free money – in the form of bonus Thanksgiving picks. What better way to thank your host or hostess than with a high quality “It’s Called #Owning” coffee mug or the ever popular Jonathon t-shirt?
Shop early and often, and remember to tell them that Football Cat sent you.
EARLY EATERS TIME Bears at Lions (-10.5) Jungle Kings feast on roasted ursine knee caps
All shirts are available in men’s sizes from Medium all the way up to 3XL.
LATE EATERS TIME Giants at Cowboys (-3) Pokes pop Pituitaries
A Hall of Fame owner with Hall of Fame fashion sense
SECOND DINNER TIME Dolphins at Packers (-3.5) Meat men pack Dolphins into a Tua casserole
Coach Drip gets it
BLACK FRIDAY SPECIAL Raiders at Chiefs (-12.5) The Black Hole boys get black eyes on Black Friday
He tells his barber “Give me the Jonathan”
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
It’s a big weekend for fans of celestial events! Not only will the full Beaver super moon be aligning with the Pliades star cluster each night, but the Leonid meteor shower will be peaking in the wee hours of Saturday and Sunday. So grab the lawn chair and a blanket and get out there. If you’re looking for me I’ll be sleeping in your bed, so please leave the electric blanket on.
In space no one can hear you “meow”
SUNDAY LUNCH TIME Packers (-5) at Bears Meat men send Bears to early hibernation
Jaguars at Lions (-13.5) Lions maul my good friend Mac
My good friend Mac before the Lions horribly disfigured him
Raiders at Dolphins (-7) The Autumn Wind is a Raider, pillaging just for fun. He’ll knock you ’round and upside down, and laugh when he’s conquered and won.
Just win baby
Rams (-5) at Patriots Mayo’s merry men keep the good time vibes rolling along.
Fake news!
Browns at Saints (-1) Dark Elf magic house of Saints
Ravens (-3) at Steelers Men of Steel cage Scary Black Birds
“Hello in the box!”
Vikings at Titans (-6) Vikings flatten Tits
Colts at Jets (-4) The new Undersecretary for Human Services leads the Jets to victory
SUNDAY DINNER TIME Falcons at Broncos (-2.5) Falcons thrive in the thin air
Seahawks at 49ers (-6.5) Purrdy downs Fake Sea Birds
Chiefs at Bills (-2) For thousands of years, Native Americans relied heavily on buffalo for their survival and well-being, using every part of the bison for food, clothing, shelter, tools, jewelry and in ceremonies. Except the wings oddly enough. Chiefs remain undefeated.
These are even better than chicken fingers
SUNDAY PROWL TIME Bengals at Chargers (-1.5) Stripey Cats drain Bolts batteries
I bet my Nana still has some of these in her junk drawer
MONDAY PROWL TIME Texans (-7.5) at Cowboys Fun Fact: The flags of six countries have flown over Texas. Don’t mess with the Texans.
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat
Foxborough, MA – The New England Patriots are on a perfectly executed path to future dominance at the quarter mark of the 2024 season, and anyone who doubts this could be missing the bigger picture. Despite their current 2-6 record, which is simply a minor blip on their trajectory, the Patriots have laid the foundation for what will surely be a return to glory in the coming years. Head coach Jerod Mayo has created a master plan that emphasizes long-term growth, and we are seeing the early stages of a renaissance!
First, let’s talk about the defense. Christian Gonzalez and Keion White are emerging as superstar talents. Gonzalez has been a shutdown corner, neutralizing some of the league’s top wide receivers, and White is already one of the best pass rushers in the NFL with four sacks in just four games, on par with elite defenders like Myles Garrett. It’s clear this defensive duo will lead the league for years to come.
Jerod The Inspiring is wearing The Pin. How can you do any less!?!
On offense, while some may criticize the passing game, the Patriots are playing chess while everyone else is playing checkers. Rhamondre Stevenson is a beast, leading a ground attack ranked 12th in the league, averaging 127 rushing yards per game. Forget the fumbles; that’s just the universe throwing obstacles in the path to greatness. With time, Stevenson’s ball security will match his explosive playmaking ability, making him one of the most feared backs in the NFL. Yes, the offensive line has had some hiccups, but that’s just part of the Patriots’ master plan to build resilience. The team is rotating through linemen at a breakneck pace, preparing for a future where no other franchise will be able to match their depth and versatility.
Jerod is Smart. S-M-R-T.
As for the quarterback situation, Jacoby Brissett and Drake Maye are part of a visionary strategy designed to slowly but surely cultivate a future superstar. The Patriots aren’t concerned with short-term optics; they are focused on building a sustainable system that will once again make them perennial favorites in the AFC.
Mark it down—this team is on the brink of something special. Give them time, and they may soon reign over the AFC East again.
First the East, then the Conference, and then…who knows?
Note: Old Friend ‘Uncle Gizmo’ took a cue from a recent Entitled Town podcast. He input into ChatGPT: “I’d like to create a story in the current style of Albert Breer. It would be a glowing story about New England Patriots coach Jerod Mayo and would use as its base Patriots media releases for the last month.” The first result wasJerod Mayo: The Emerging Leader Patriots Fans Always Needed.You just read the follow-up, written after NFL Week 5.
The 15 