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Football Cat’s Week 3 NFL Picks ’25

Posted on September 19, 2025 by naop Leave a comment

Happy Upton Bell Day!

Every September 19th all of Patriots Nation gather together with their family and friends to celebrate the legacy of their one time wunderkind General Manager Upton Bell. Back in February of 1971, Billy Sullivan hired the snot nosed 33 year old Bell to be his GM. The most memorable moment of Upton’s brief reign of terror was when he forgot to mail out contracts to all the team’s impending free agents, thus instantly granting them their freedom. The Upton Bell era came to an abrupt end in December 5, 1972 when he was unceremoniously fired after amassing a putrid 9 – 19 record. Sure that is a bad record, but really damning fact is that Upton was so incompetent that he never worked in the NFL again. Imagine how awful his reputation within the league must have been to never get another front office job. This was the son of former NFL Commissioner and Eagles owner/founder Bert Bell, and after being fired at the age of 35 his career in the league was over.

Today the 88 year old social media maven has morphed into a modern day Baron Hieronymus Karl Friedrich Freiherr von Münchhausen. The list of famous (all dead) people Upton has met includes Burt Reynolds, Jane Russell, Hedy Lamar, Elvis Presley, Frank Sinatra, Grace Kelly, Stephen Hawking, Patricia Neal, Jack Nicholson, Richard Nixon, Anthony Hopkins, Angie Dickerson, Arnold Palmer, Alan Shepard, Ted Turner, Seiji Ozawa, Donna Reed, Hedy Lamarr, Carely Simon, Yo Yo Ma and three (THREE!) Tuskegee Airmen. The list goes on and on. We didn’t even bother with listing the sports figures he claims to have known/discovered, but rest assured if they’re dead Upton claims he interacted with them.

And if Upton didn’t meet them, rest assured his mother did. Per Upton, his mom, Broadway “star” Frances Upton, had close encounters with Charles Lindbergh, James Cagney, Florenz Ziegfeld, George Gershwin, George Burns, Willie Mays, Babe Ruth, Lefty Gomez and Al Capone. According to Upton, when Bert Bell, his father, dropped dead Universal Pictures wanted to make a movie about him with Danny Thomas as the lead, but Frances turned it down (of course she did!). The aforementioned Bert Bell invented the NFL Draft, coined the phrase “On Any Given Sunday”, brought the entire Eagles team with him on his honeymoon, proposed local TV blackouts, and in 1958 came up with the idea of sudden death overtime – which is ironic because he dropped dead less than one year later while attending a football game.

So celebrate today the Upton way by forgetting to send out important legal documents on time, or by getting you rugs cleaned or by lying on social media about all the famous dead people you’ve interacted with. Happy 9-19 to all who celebrate!

Sunday Lunch Time
Falcons (-5.5) at Panthers
Black cats get slapped by Penix

Packers (-7.5) at Browns
Packko over Flacco

In 1935 Bert Bell invents the NFL draft. In 1948 Bert Bell invents prank calling potential draft picks.

Texans at Jaguars (-2)
Texicats hog tie spotted cats

Bengals at Vikings (-3)
Norsemen beat Burrow-less Bungles

Steelers (-1.5) at Patriots
Pat Patriot makes Rodgers see red

November 14, 1972 press conference with owner Billy Sullivan (right), interim head coach Phil Bengtson (center), lame duck GM Upton Bell (left). Disgraceful body language

Rams at Eagles (-3.5)
Philly rams LA

Jets at Buccaneers (-6.5)
Tampa takes the Todd Bowles Revenge Bowl

Colts (-4.5) at Titans
Tits whip Indianapolis Jones

Frances Upton in her only feature film role as Angie in ‘Night Work’ (1930). Francis loved to tell Upton about all the times she lost out on an acting job because she would not submit to the casting couch. Proving that lying is inherited.

Raiders at Commanders (-3.5)
The Raiders keep racking up frequent flyer miles but not wins

Sunday Dinner Time
Broncos at Chargers (-3)
Bolts best Broncos

Saints at Seahawks (-7.5)
Saints remain winless in Seattle

Upton saw Wilt Chamberlain play high school basketball and new he’d be a super star

Cowboys (-1) at Bears
Da Bears drop Da Boys

Cardinals at 49ers (-2.5)
Prospectors use the Pretty Red Birds as their canaries in the gold mine.

Sunday Prowl Time
Chiefs (-6) at Giants
Chiefs cut the Giants down to size

9 wins as Patriots GM work out to 1 win for every tooth

Monday Prowl Time
Lions at Ravens (-4.5)
Scary black birds tame the big cats

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 1 NFL Picks ’25

Posted on September 5, 2025 by naop Leave a comment

Football Cat is tired from watching the Patriotic Birds play the Pokes.

Your long wait is finally over, and so is your Summah, football season is upon us! And this season is no ordinary season… this season YOU (yes, YOU!) get the opportunity to go head to head with our very own Feline Football Forecaster, the one, the only Football Cat!

One of our interns (I haven’t taken time to learn their names yet) outlined the rules in an earlier post.

The Cliff Notes version: If you can pick more winners than Football Cat you will be eligible to win a fabulous The15 Inside Joke Prize Pack! Email your picks to bjbsjournalintern@gmail.com (prior to kickoff of tonight’s game) and our plucky squad of interns will make sure your entry is added to this week’s pool of contestants! It’s that easy. All you have to lose is your self respect.

Which leaves us with the question… Can YOU beat Football Cat?

Sexta à Noite Prowl Time
Chiefs (-3) vs Chargers
“I play the beautiful game while I’m in Brazil
‘Cause everybody plays the beautiful game while I’m in Brazil
‘Cause it’s all we’ve ever wanted, and it’s all that you want still
Don’t you wanna play the beautiful game out in Brazil?”

Plugs shock Chiefs in the Southern Hemisphere’s Winter Classic

Pelé knew which game was the *real o jogo bonito*

Sunday Lunch Time
Buccaneers (-2) at Falcons
An opening week NFC South six pointer! Why wasn’t this on Sunday Night Football? Bucs win and all but clinch the division

Bengals (-6) at Browns
Stripey cats leave the Browns strewn across their litter box

Actually Cleveland is a really nice place… for me to poop on!

Dolphins at Colts (-1.5)
Ponies pop Porps

Panthers at Jaguars (-3)
Cat fight! Spotted cats send black cats home with two black eyes

Raiders at Patriots (-2.5)
Botox Brady’s team comes up short in the shadow of Tom’s tiny headed statue

Cardinals (-6.5) at Saints
Cardinals win the Holy War

Say two Hail Marys and one Act of Cat-trition (*uproarious laughter*)

Steelers (-3) at Jets
Men of Steel dominate in Metropolis

Krypto, Krytpo, Krypto! Why no love for Streaky the Supercat?

Giants at Commanders (-6)
I’m calling the president. Mr. President, we need the National Guard. We need as many men as you can spare because the Commanders are killing the Giants. Wait… what? They’re already here? Never mind.

My old Platoon Sergeant said the Guard was for pussies

Sunday Dinner Time
Titans at Broncos (-7.5)
Tits sag in the thin air

49ers (-2.5) at Seahawks
Fake Sea Birds rub Purrrdy the wrong way

Lions at Packers (-2.5)
Jungle Kings devour Meat Men

Texans at Rams (-2.5)
Horny sheep give Houston problems

Sunday Prowl Time
Ravens at Bills (-1.5)
Scary Black birds spook Hairy Cows

Monday Prowl Time
Vikings at Bears (-1.5)
Norsemen skin grizzlies

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Pick for Super Bowl LIX

Posted on February 7, 2025 by naop Leave a comment

As we close the books on yet another record setting campaign of profitable professional pigskin prognostications, we here at Football Cat World Headquarters would like to reflect back on all the wonderful things that happened over the course of the season. Who can forget when that crazy thing happened to that guy on that team way back in September? And then that other thing came out of nowhere and caught everybody off guard. People are still talking about how we will never see something like that ever happen again! And don’t get me started on that wild and crazy thing that made headlines for days on end. The airwaves are still sizzling from all the hot takes. So many memorable moments, there a just too many to mention. What an unforgettable season!

And finally, a big shout out to the intern for always keeping the drinking water cool, his lap warm, the snack drawer full and the litter box empty. Imagine doing all that work for no pay and no college credit? We wish you the best of luck in all your future endeavors.

(Intern’s Note: What? )

To play us out, we turn the clock all the way back to 1966 when “The Happenings” were happening…
See you in September
See you when the summer’s through
Bye-bye, so long, farewell
Bye-bye, so long

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Chiefs (-1.5) at Eagles
It started at the very first Thanksgiving, when William Brewster’s wife’s green bean casserole gave Hobbamock a severe case of gastroenteritis. And it’s been all downhill since then, from the Manhattan land deal, to small pox, to the Indian Removal Act of 1830, then the Battle of Wounded Knee and the Trail of Tears, all the way to the Indian Gaming Regulatory Act of 1988, and the cultural appropriation by Iron Eyes Cody, Chief Jay Strongbow and that guy in the Village People. For over 400 years, the American Birds have been continuously getting the better of the Indigenous Peoples. The subjugation will continue in New Orleans.

He’s not crying because the Chiefs are going to lose, he’s crying because he found out that he’s an Italian

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Championship Sunday Picks

Posted on January 24, 2025 by naop Leave a comment

News item: Some new executive orders have just been signed…

“Saturday” will be renamed to “Caturday”.
Catnip will be allowed to flow across the Southern border.
All online betting advisors will be required to publicly display their success rate or something else (*wink wink*).
Amnesty for the accused in the “Shedd Park Incident of July 4 1992”.
Laser pointers will be outlawed.
Designated nap times throughout the day, with comfortable sleeping spots readily available in all public spaces.
All deadbeat squatters will be evicted from the homes of their deceased mother’s former boyfriend. Their cats will be allowed to stay.
Dogs will be banned from most public areas, with designated “dog parks” far away from cat territory.
Anyone using “Y’all” will be banned from all social media platforms, even the Chinese ones.
Humans must be readily available for head scratches and belly rubs whenever a cat desires.
Only Union workers will be allowed on the roads between 4 am and 6 am.
The records from the Loyko investigation must be immediately released.

SUNDAY EARLY DINNER TIME
Commanders at Eagles (-6)
American Birds haven’t been this surprised by a Commie offensive in January since 1968

On that day our platoon sergeant sacrificed himself so we could all make it home alive. RIP Sgt.Thornton.

SUNDAY EARLY PROWL TIME
Bills at Chiefs (-1)
As has played out on the great plains for hundreds of years, the Native Americans, once again, take down the Tonawanda Tatanka

The buffalo seemed more stunned by the audacity of the tactic than they are surprised the wolves are actually dudes

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Divisional Round Picks

Posted on January 17, 2025 by naop Leave a comment

Breaking news from the Football Cat Storm Center, it’s going to be bitter cold at this weekend’s games. How cold you ask? Well, let’s go to a special report from Nimbus, the official cat of the Mount Washington Weather Observatory, for a live report…

NIMBUS: “You want a prediction about the weather? I’ll give you a winter prediction. It’s gonna be cold, it’s gonna be grey, and it’s gonna last you for the rest of your life.”

Yes, Nimbus does like red onions. Why do you ask?

Thanks Nimbus for that in depth forecast. It sounds like you might want to spend some of your future gambling winnings on a Seasonal Affective Disorder light therapy lamp. We hear they do wonders for your mental health.

The official anti-SADs clock/lamp combo thingy of the Boston Herald’s Red Sox part-time beat writer.
(If you look closely you can see her reflection “accidentally” caught in the photo of the clock/lamp thingy.)

SATURDAY DINNER TIME
Texans at Chiefs (-8.5)
Indoor Tex-cats can’t survive in the Chiefs’ winter encampment

It’s not called a WigWarm for nothing folks!

SATURDAY PROWL TIME
Commanders at Lions (-9)
These indoor cats know where it’s at! The Jungle Kings crunch Commie caps in climate controlled comfort.

SUNDAY EARLY DINNER TIME
Rams at Eagles (-6)
Fiery hot Rams blow torch frozen American Birds

When the Linc is overrun with ugly dumb cvnt Rams fans, don’t blame this guy.

SUNDAY EARLY PROWL TIME
Ravens at Bills (-1)
Scary Black Birds get snowed under by Hairy Cows

They should have flown South for the winter when they had the chance.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Wild Card (Wildcat?) Weekend Picks

Posted on January 10, 2025 by naop Leave a comment

Happy days are here again! The skies above are clear again, Let us sing a song of cheer again, Happy days are here again!

Friends, last Sunday was a day of independence for all Patriots fans and their descendants!

If you don’t agree that the high point of the season was watching Thunder eat a big shit sandwich on Monday, then you are just weird! Weird! WEIRD!

But have no fear weirdos, you can still admit the error of your ways and join those of us who were right all along. You have no idea how your life is gonna improve as a result of this. Food tastes better. The air seems fresher. You’ll have more energy and self-confidence than you ever dreamed of! I am as giddy as a drunken man!

SATURDAY DINNER TIME
Chargers (-3) at Texans
Bolts barbecue Texans

SATURDAY PROWL TIME
Steelers at Ravens (-9.5)
Scary Black Birds snowplow Steelers

I think he’s still upset, or he’s pooping. He’s probably pooping.

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Broncos at Bills (-9)
Bills bounce back, beat Broncos

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Packers at Eagles (-4.5)
Bert Bell’s American Birds send Green Bay packing

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Commanders at Buccaneers (-3)
Bucs master the Commanders

MONDAY PROWL TIME
Vikings at Rams (-1.5)
Rams host a Viking funeral (in Glendale, AZ)

Thoughts and prayers to our SoCal readers

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 18 Picks

Posted on January 3, 2025 by naop Leave a comment

Happy New Year! Welcome to 2025 and the final week of the NFL regular season. Unlike almost every team in the league, Football Cat is going to give a full 100% effort in Week 18. There will be no tanking nor relaxing at this address. Although I do find staring at a fish tank very relaxing.

SATURDAY DINNER TIME
Browns at Ravens (-17.5)
Scary Black Birds feast on stale Brownies

SATURDAY PROWL TIME
Bengals (-1.5) at Steelers
Stripey Cats get the W but not a spot in the ‘yoffs

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Panthers at Falcons (-8.5)
Black Cats smack down a flaccid Penix

Commanders (-4.5) at Cowboys
Commies win and get in

Bears at Packers (-9)
Hibernating Bears get ground up by Meat Men

Jaguars at Colts (-4.5)
Spotty Cats trampled by Horsies

Bills (-2.5) at Patriots
Patriots finish the season the same way it started with an idiotic Gatorade bath for Coach Mayo

He better hope that’s “victory” mayonnaise

Giants at Eagles (-3)
G-men do more damage to their draft position

Saints at Buccaneers (-13)
Bucs plow through New Orleans

Texans at Titans (-1)
Tits hold firm against Texans backups

I meant to type “Got It”. (Avert your eyes!)

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
49ers at Cardinals (-4.5)
Pretty Red Birds fly high into the off-season

Chiefs at Broncos (-11)
Broncos win by default

Seahawks (-5.5) at Rams
Fake Sea Birds romp over resting Rams

Chargers (-5.5) at Raiders
Never forget that Kraft didn’t even bother to interview Brother Jim

Dolphins (-1.5) at Jets
The incoming Undersecretary for Health and Human Services closes out his NFL career with a win

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Vikings at Lions (-3)
Jungle Kings nosh on Nordic knee caps

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 17 Picks

Posted on December 27, 2024 by naop Leave a comment

Happy New Year from Football Cat!

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind? The answer is a resounding “YES”! It’s best to leave the past in the past. Your New Year’s resolution should be to not dwell on lost loves and move forward. New year, new you. Don’t spend your nights listening to Spotify and crying yourself to sleep over what might have been with Olivia or Jackie or Brad. Lift a cup of kindness and throw it right in their face!

Or you could just resolve to stop drinking again.

SATURDAY LUNCH TIME
Chargers (-4) at Patriots
Patriots shock the Bolts like it’s 1985

In 2025 Coach Mayo resolves to be *even more* open with his good friends in the media.

SATURDAY DINNER TIME
Broncos at Bengals (-3)
Stripey Cats keep their playoff chances alive

SATURDAY PROWL TIME
Cardinals at Rams (-6)
Rams rout Red Birds

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Colts (-7.5) at Giants
Giant tank job continues

Jets at Bills (-10)
McDermott’s men hijack Jets and send them crashing back to Earth

Titans at Jaguars (-1)
Spotty Cats can’t handle Tits

Raiders (-1.5) at Saints
Raiders win again, they must really hate the idea of drafting Shedeur Sanders.

Panthers at Buccaneers (-8)
Scary Black Cats sink Bucs

Tampa should have consulted “Unsinkable Sam”

Cowboys at Eagles (-9.5)
American Birds keep the pressure on the Jungle Kings

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Dolphins at Browns (-6.5)
Elves shelve Miami

Packers at Vikings (-1.5)
Vikings mince Meat Men

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Falcons at Commanders (-4)
Commies swamp Falcons

MONDAY PROWL TIME
Lions (-3.5) at 49ers
Jungle Kings poach Prospectors’ patellas

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 15 Picks

Posted on December 13, 2024 by naop One comment

Interns beware! It’s that festive time of year again, tonight is the “The 15’s Annual Office Holiday Party”. ( It used to be the “The 15’s Annual Office Christmas Party”, but Carl did 23andMe this past year and, oy gevalt, he’s suddenly kosher.) But have no fear! Whether you spin the dreidel, or your savior was born in a stable, all you have to do is follow Football Cat’s 7 simple tips for a funtastic Office Holiday Party…

Spot the total number HR violations in this picture! Whoever comes closest will win a bonus day off* ^_(*unpaid)

Show Up: You do not want to be labeled as a party pooper. Get your ass to the party, they’ll be free drinks (see Tip #2).
Drink: Drink! There’s nothing people like more than talking about the person who had too much to drink at the office party. You’re just providing a public service.
Eat: If you don’t eat, you’ll get drunk too fast (see Tip #2). It’s science.
Dance: On the floor, on the table (see Tip #2) , whatever it takes.
Talk to the Big Boss: Make sure you’ve had a couple of drinks first (see Tip #2) . And make it quick. Get in, get out. Don’t linger.
Play Your Transportation By Ear: You’re going to drink (see Tip #2) so don’t drive, but don’t plan ahead either. There’s definitely someone in the office with Clara Barton Syndrome, or maybe it’s Clara Nightingale Syndrome – whichever the nice one was. It doesn’t really matter, just don’t puke in Clara’s car.
Be Prepared: Bring an extra pair of underwear, your toothbrush and your passport. You never know what will happen (see Tip #2).

Good luck and have fun (see Tip #2)!

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Chiefs (-4.5) at Browns
Chiefs scalp the Elves

Bengals (-5) at Titans
Stripey Cats pancake Tits

Tigers and pancakes? Someone’s getting cancelled.

Commanders (-7) at Saints
Godless Commies decanonize Saints

Ravens (-14.5) at Giants
Scary Black Birds jar Giants

Cowboys at Panthers (-2.5)
Scary Black Cats spook America’s Team

Jets (-3.5) at Jags
My Good Friend Mac finally owns!

Dolphins at Texans (-3.5)
Texans barbecue Dolphins

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Colts at Broncos (-4)
Big Broncos corral lil’ Colts

Bills at Lions (-2.5)
Hairy Cows trample Jungle Kings

Steelers at Eagles (-5)
Yinzers take the Keystone State Cup

Patriots at Cardinals (-6)
Pretty Red Birds fly past Mayo’s men

Buccaneers at Chargers (-3)
Brother Jim Hawkins’ gang zaps swashbucklers

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Packers (-3) at Seahawks
Fake Sea Birds aren’t in the mood for Love.

MONDAY EARLY PROWL TIME
Bears at Vikings (-7)
Vikings plunder hibernating Bears

MONDAY PROWL TIME
Falcons (-5) at Raiders
Too bad Jerry Glanville isn’t alive to see his Falcons take down the Elvis impersonators #RIP

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 14 Picks

Posted on December 6, 2024 by naop Leave a comment

Have no fear! Even though the local gridironers are enjoying a weekend away, getting tanned and rested, there’s no bye week for Football Cat!

Don’t we have interns to cover for me for *one* week?

And remember, it’s not just the bye week, it’s also the BUY week at the official the 15 net store! If you don’t shop during the big holiday sale, you’re just wasting money. It’s basic math people.

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Jaguars at Titans (-4)
Tits motorboat Spotty Cats