Time to check in with everyone’s favorite nonagenarian sportswriter, none other than legendary boxing and gridiron correspondent for the old Boston Evening Gazette, Buzz “Lefty” McBride. Mr. McBride would like to share his take on the controversial hit New England Patriots’ linebacker Christian Eliss placed on New York Giants’ quarterback Jaxson Dart during the first quarter of Monday night’s football game.
Simpler times
Buzz “Lefty” McBride:“Looks to me like Eliss knocked Jaxson Dart onto Queer Street”
Exhibit A
Exhibit B
Many thanks to “Lefty” for his thoughtful and enlightened commentary.
Sunday Lunch Time Titans at Browns (-4.5) Turds top Tits
Did someone say turd tit top?
Seahawks (-7) at Falcons Fake sea birds rule the roost
Colts (-1.5) at Jaguars Jags jettison Jones
Commanders at Vikings (-2.5) Feds raid Minnesota
Bengals at Bills (-5.5) Buffalo buries Burrow
Just a dusting
Saints at Buccaneers (-8.5) Bucs defrock the clergy
Steelers (-6) at Ravens Scary black birds love a game played in a dark place
I guess it’s not good luck
Dolphins (-2.5) at Jets New Yorkers feast on frozen fish
Sunday Dinner Time Broncos (-7.5) at Raiders YOU want the Raiders to win, but you can’t always get what you want
Bonus bet: Raiders cover
Rams (-8.5) at Cardinals Horney sheep trample pretty red birds
Bears at Packers(-6.5) The pack is back!
Sunday Prowl Time Texans at Chiefs(-3.5) Indoor cats can’t handle the chill of the open plains
Indoors is where it’s at
Monday Prowl Time Eagles (-2.5) at Chargers Patriotic birds zap Bolts
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Turkey fans enjoy giving out gobbles this time of year, but what about America’s fastest, and fattest, growing dietary subgroup the Porksaterians? Well don’t worry Porky, we’re here to satisfy you with a serving of oinks.
Grant Huckvale (a.k.a. Hogdale): Hogdale carved a niche for himself as an overly exuberant alternative broadcaster to the stoic and bland official Red Sox play-by-play teams on NESN and WEEI. Over the summer you’d see Hogdale clips occasionally retweeted into your timeline, usually after Red Sox wins, and you’d think to yourself “I think that’s the tops“. We probably all agree that Hogdale is special. Smash cut to present day, and we are confronted with a hog of a different color. Barstool, in an effort to fill an obese chromosomically challenged void in their lineup, swooped in and waved a lucrative (by part-time minimum waged Iowan standards) five figure contract in front of Hogdale’s snout and lured him into their slaughter house. Now Hogdale’s giant screaming maw is ever present, ever hot takey and ever annoying. To quote Rocky IV: “What started out as a joke has turned into a disaster”. 4 oinks 🐷🐷🐷🐷
That will do pig
Thanksgiving early eaters time Packers at Lions (-2.5) Jungle Kings slice and dice Cheese Heads
Thanksgiving late eaters time Chiefs (-3.5) at Cowboys Squantos feast on the Pilgrims
Thanksgiving overeaters time Bengals at Ravens (-7) Scary Black Birds bury Burrow’s boys
Black Friday Afternoon Nap time Bears at Eagles (-7) Birds bully Bears
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
As DRAKE-A-MAYENIA sweeps the six state region, we’d just like to remind you where you first were introduced to that fantastic (and potentially lucrative) phrase… it was HERE, in Football Cat’s Week 13 NFL Picks ’24!
and also here, in Football Cat’s Week 15 NFL Picks ’24!
Double TRADEMARK!
As part of our pending intellectual property infringement lawsuit(s), our special council has advised us to put all of our ideas out there (that’s legal jargon). So without further ado we bring you our latest potential merchandise ideas (TRADEMARK!):
Remember, never settle for cheap imitations when you can choose the high quality original! Only available (potentially) at the15net.com official store!
Sunday Desayuno Time Commanders at Dolphins (-2.5) ¡Los delfines ganan!
Sunday Lunch Time Panthers at Falcons (-3.5) Black cats can’t catch a break, or find a win
Times are tough
Buccaneers at Bills (-6) Bills bully Baker
Chargers (-3) at Jaguars Spotted cats get zapped by Plugs
From the golden age of advertising
Bears at Vikings (-2.5) Norsemen sneak by sleepy Bears
Packers (-7) at Giants There will be no metamorphosis under Kafka’s leadership.
High brow humor!
Bengals at Steelers (-5.5) Yinzers flatten Flacco
Texans (-6) at Titans Tex squeezes Tits
Sunday Dinner Time 49ers (-3) at Cardinals Purrrrdy swallows pretty red birds
He’s gaining on you red
Seahawks at Rams (-3) Horny sheep trample fake sea birds
Ravens (-7.5) at Browns Scary black birds flush the Browns
If it’s brown, flush it down
Chiefs (-3.5) at Broncos Chiefs bust Broncos
Sunday Prowl Time Lions at Eagles (-2.5) Jungle kings claw out a win in Philly
He likes his cheese steak extra cheesy
Monday Prowl Time Cowboys (-3.5) at Raiders Ranch hands rustle Raiders
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
News item:ESPN and Penn Entertainment are ending their sports-betting agreement early after failing to gain significant market share. The sports-media company will instead launch a new multiyear deal with industry leader DraftKings. The early ending for ESPN’s Penn Entertainment venture and ESPN Bet’s inability to gain scale is a sign of the grip DraftKings and FanDuel have on the market. Sports betting has exploded in America, but smaller companies and later entrants have been unable to capture fans’ attention.
We’re all in!
We here at The15Net.com know how difficult it can be for the little guy to mix it up with the big boys, so we are offering up our services to Penn in its time of need. Our industry leading brand is a perfect fit for Penn’s deep pockets and poor judgement. We have year round features like the ever popular Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer, the wildly successful Football Cat’s Weekly NFL Picks, the eagerly awaited March Sadness, this summer’s surprise smash hit the Summer Mini-Tournament and a cornucopia of other fabulous rib ticklers and side splitters. How does “The15net Bets” sound to you?
And all for the low low price of only $15 million in cash per year! That’s a tenth of what you were paying ESPN, and no one even has access to that channel anymore. So please reach out to Mr. Steve Bosell, the Managing Editor of The15Net.com, at your earliest convenience (if you can find him).
Thank you for you attention to this matter.
Sunday Frühstück Time Falcons at Colts (-6.5) Indianapolis Jones triumphs over those Nazi inspired helmet logos
Sunday Lunch Time Saints at Panthers (-5.5) Black cats scare the bejesus out of the Saints
Giants at Bears (-4.5) Bears send G-men into hibernation
Seems like a bad idea
Jaguars (-1.5) at Texans Spotted cats have a problem in Houston
Bills (-9.5) at Dolphins Buffalo grills Dolphins
Not this time Flipper
Ravens (-4.5) at Vikings Scary black birds continue to come back from the dead
Browns (-1.5) at Jets Browns catch Firesale Ed’s team looking ahead to 2027
Patriots at Buccaneers (-2.5) It’s no longer Baker Mayfield, it’s Baker ISfield!
This will never make any sense
Sunday Dinner Time Cardinals at Seahawks (-6.5) Fake Seabirds snatch up pretty red birds
Rams (-3) at 49ers Horny sheep menace Mac
Lions (-7.5) at Commanders Lions tame Swamp Things
No shirt, no shoes, all action!
Sunday Prowl Time Steelers at Chargers (-3) Bolts can’t penetrate the Men of Steel’s Faraday cage
Monday Prowl Time Eagles at Packers (-2.5) American Birds snap up Meat Men
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Can YOU pick more winners than our own Football Cat? If so, you become eligible to win prizes!
Football Cat was not beat Week 8! Good effort, though.
How to play? Simply pick who you think will win this weekend’s games. (Sunday and Monday only, Football Cat negotiated no non-holiday Thursdays) Pick more winners than FC, and you can win either a The15 Inside Joke Prize Pack or a $25 Supermarket Gift Card! Your choice as to Market Basket, Big Y, Shaw’s, or Stop & Shop! (Or another, if you are outside the New England Area)
(One winner per week. In the event of a tie, a winner will be chosen at random. Winners remail eligible to also win in future weeks.)
Here are this weekend’s NFL matchups:
Bears at Bengals
Vikings at Lions
Panthers at Packers
Broncos at Texans
Falcons at Patriots
49ers at Giants
Colts at Steelers
Chargers at Titans
Saints at Rams
Jaguars at Raiders
Chiefs at Bills
Seahawks at Commanders
Cardinals at Cowboys (Tiebreaker – total points scored)
Email your picks to bjbsjournalintern@gmail.com (prior to kickoff of the first listed game) or, if that isn’t your bag, post them on the Twitter and our spooky band of interns will make sure your entry is added to this week’s pool of contestants!
With Halloween only one week away you are probably looking for a fun, yet simple, way to get into the spooky spirit. Little did you know that bone chilling excitement is just a phone call away.
Traverse into the eerie elements of the other world and encounter those who lurk in the night. Call the Halloween Haunted Hotline at 585-IF-U-DARE! Carefully choose your fright, not all who call survive the night.
There are many haunted attractions in New England, but none scarier than the House on Harris Road in Nashua, NH. Home of the infamous “Death Couch”. Those who dare sit on the sofa will be doomed, and not just because they’ve come in contact with its sticky coating of ectoplasm. Within the past three years there have been documented cases of a man suffering a debilitating stroke, another being institutionalized (multiple times), numerous extraterrestrial visitations and one actual death happening to people after they’ve sat upon the cursed couch. If you’re interested in purchasing it, or some old ceiling tiles, you can call 603-881-6980. In lieu of cash, blue cupcakes will be accepted in trade.
In celebration of the Halloween season, Sony Pictures and Ghost Corps have launched a brand-new campaign, letting fans both call and text the Ghostbusters. If you’ve got something strange in your neighborhood to report, pick up the phone and call (or text) 516-718-TRAP.
Wrinkles the Clown is no Stephen King character, but that doesn’t make this real-life clown any less creepy. Based in Naples, Florida, this clown offers a wide variety of services, like performing at parties and intentionally scaring children. Calling 407-734-0254 sends you to his voicemail, where we’re told you can hear a pretty chilling message.
Would you like to speak with Frankenstein’s monosyllabic monster? Then just dial 617-779-7937 any weekday afternoon between 2 pm and 6 pm. Remember he has an abnormal brain, so please be patient and speak slowly.
Bread good… ratings BAD!
Just remember that standard message and data rates may apply.
Sunday Lunch Time Dolphins at Falcons (-7.5) Penix penetrates porpoises
Bears at Ravens (-6.5) Scary black birds spook da’ Bears
Frightening
Bills (-7.5) at Panthers Hairy cows rub black cats the wrong way
Jets at Bengals (-6.5) Stripey cats maul Jets
49ers at Texans (-1.5) Mac gives Houston problems
My good friend Mac continues to own
Browns at Patriots (-7) It’s no longer Drake may… it’s Drake IS!
Drake-a-mania grips Hub!
Giants at Eagles (-7.5) Philly dash Dart
Sunday Dinner Time Buccaneers (-4.5) at Saints Bucs cook Cajuns
Cowboys at Broncos (-3.5) Denver does Dallas
We said Denver, not Debbie… D E N V E R
Titans at Colts (-14) Indianapolis Jones whips Tits
Sunday Prowl Time Packers at Steelers (-3) Packmen rout Rodgers
Looking sharp
Monday Prowl Time Commanders at Chiefs (-12.5) KC shuts down DC
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Mythology of the Succubus A succubus is a demon or supernatural entity in folklore and mythology, often depicted as a beautiful young woman who seduces men in their dreams, or on a flight from Massachusetts to Florida, feeds off their life energy and sometimes even causes death – or worse, she may ruin their reputation as the greatest football coach of all time! The Succubus has evolved from a terrifying figure in religious folklore to a more complex social influencer character in modern society, frequently representing temptation, seduction and danger. Her demonic nature makes her a fascinating figure in the intersection of desire, football and the supernatural.
Characteristics of the Succubus
Seductive Appearance: The Succubus typically appears as a beautiful and alluring young woman, using her physical attractiveness to manipulate and seduce her victims. She may even pretend to enjoy reading books on planes. While her outward appearance is stunning, it conceals her true demonic form, which can include bat-like wings, horns, a tail and a very snarky personality – marking her as a creature of the underworld.
Dream Manipulation: One of the Succubus’ defining traits is her ability to enter the dreams of her victims. The victim may be completely unaware that he would have been much happier hanging out with the Manning brothers every Monday Night, instead of listening to parents complain that lil’ Johnny Knoxboro isn’t getting enough playing time.
Energy Drain and Life Force Consumption: A Succubus sustains herself by feeding off the life energy (a.k.a. money) of her victims, often via multiple million dollar real estate transactions. Over time, repeated interaction with a Succubus can lead to a person’s gradual deterioration as their life force, and reputation as a football genius, is siphoned away.
Shape-Shifting and Immortality: Succubi are often portrayed as immoral demons who can take on any appearance they desire, making them highly skilled in deception. Their ability to transform allows them to infiltrate society and manipulate individuals with ease. They may appear as a cheerleader, or a philosopher, or a cheerleader philosopher, or even a philosopher cheerleader. A Succubus may claim to be a recent graduate from the New England Hair Academy but don’t be fooled, she has been ruining lives since the dawn of time.
If you suspect that you, or someone whose football acumen you love, may be under the influence of a Succubus please alert the University of North Carolina Athletic Department at (919) 843-2000 or by visiting their website, GoHeels.com!
Regular evil
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
Sunday English Muffin Time Broncos (-7.5) at Jets Broncos bang and mash jolly old Jets
Sunday Lunch Time Rams (-7.5) at Ravens Rams rout Ravens
Cowboys (-3) at Panthers Cowboys flip off black cats
Jerry thinks YOU are #1
Cardinals at Colts (-7) Indianapolis Jones rolls over red birds
Seahawks at Jaguars (-1.5) Fake sea birds soar over spotted cats
Chargers (-4.5) at Dolphins Bolts reel in fish
Browns at Steelers (-5.5) Yinzers devour Brownies
NO!
Patriots (-3.5) at Saints Krafts cook Cajuns
Sunday Dinner Time Titans at Raiders (-3.5) Vegas tops Tits
Did someone say Vegas Tit Top?
49ers at Buccaneers (-3) Baker’s boys boil Mac
Bengals at Packers (-14) Meatmen grind stripey cats
Ouch!
Sunday Prowl Time Lions at Chiefs (-2.5) Taylor’s team tames lions
How big is the wood?
Monday Prowl Time Bills (-4.5) at Falcons Bills bounce back
Bears at Commanders (-4.5) Washington shuts down Ditkas
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Every September 19th all of Patriots Nation gather together with their family and friends to celebrate the legacy of their one time wunderkind General Manager Upton Bell. Back in February of 1971, Billy Sullivan hired the snot nosed 33 year old Bell to be his GM. The most memorable moment of Upton’s brief reign of terror was when he forgot to mail out contracts to all the team’s impending free agents, thus instantly granting them their freedom. The Upton Bell era came to an abrupt end in December 5, 1972 when he was unceremoniously fired after amassing a putrid 9 – 19 record. Sure that is a bad record, but really damning fact is that Upton was so incompetent that he never worked in the NFL again. Imagine how awful his reputation within the league must have been to never get another front office job. This was the son of former NFL Commissioner and Eagles owner/founder Bert Bell, and after being fired at the age of 35 his career in the league was over.
Today the 88 year old social media maven has morphed into a modern day Baron Hieronymus Karl Friedrich Freiherr von Münchhausen. The list of famous (all dead) people Upton has met includes Burt Reynolds, Jane Russell, Hedy Lamar, Elvis Presley, Frank Sinatra, Grace Kelly, Stephen Hawking, Patricia Neal, Jack Nicholson, Richard Nixon, Anthony Hopkins, Angie Dickerson, Arnold Palmer, Alan Shepard, Ted Turner, Seiji Ozawa, Donna Reed, Hedy Lamarr, Carely Simon, Yo Yo Ma and three (THREE!) Tuskegee Airmen. The list goes on and on. We didn’t even bother with listing the sports figures he claims to have known/discovered, but rest assured if they’re dead Upton claims he interacted with them.
And if Upton didn’t meet them, rest assured his mother did. Per Upton, his mom, Broadway “star” Frances Upton, had close encounters with Charles Lindbergh, James Cagney, Florenz Ziegfeld, George Gershwin, George Burns, Willie Mays, Babe Ruth, Lefty Gomez and Al Capone. According to Upton, when Bert Bell, his father, dropped dead Universal Pictures wanted to make a movie about him with Danny Thomas as the lead, but Frances turned it down (of course she did!). The aforementioned Bert Bell invented the NFL Draft, coined the phrase “On Any Given Sunday”, brought the entire Eagles team with him on his honeymoon, proposed local TV blackouts, and in 1958 came up with the idea of sudden death overtime – which is ironic because he dropped dead less than one year later while attending a football game.
Happy Upton Bell Day!
So celebrate today the Upton way by forgetting to send out important legal documents on time, or by getting you rugs cleaned or by lying on social media about all the famous dead people you’ve interacted with. Happy 9-19 to all who celebrate!
Sunday Lunch Time Falcons (-5.5) at Panthers Black cats get slapped by Penix
Packers (-7.5) at Browns Packko over Flacco
In 1935 Bert Bell invents the NFL draft. In 1948 Bert Bell invents prank calling potential draft picks.
Texans at Jaguars (-2) Texicats hog tie spotted cats
Bengals at Vikings (-3) Norsemen beat Burrow-less Bungles
Steelers (-1.5) at Patriots Pat Patriot makes Rodgers see red
November 14, 1972 press conference with owner Billy Sullivan (right), interim head coach Phil Bengtson (center), lame duck GM Upton Bell (left). Disgraceful body language
Rams at Eagles (-3.5) Philly rams LA
Jets at Buccaneers (-6.5) Tampa takes the Todd Bowles Revenge Bowl
Colts (-4.5) at Titans Tits whip Indianapolis Jones
Frances Upton in her only feature film role as Angie in ‘Night Work’ (1930). Francis loved to tell Upton about all the times she lost out on an acting job because she would not submit to the casting couch. Proving that lying is inherited.
Raiders at Commanders (-3.5) The Raiders keep racking up frequent flyer miles but not wins
Sunday Dinner Time Broncos at Chargers (-3) Bolts best Broncos
Saints at Seahawks (-7.5) Saints remain winless in Seattle
Upton saw Wilt Chamberlain play high school basketball and new he’d be a super star
Cowboys (-1) at Bears Da Bears drop Da Boys
Cardinals at 49ers (-2.5) Prospectors use the Pretty Red Birds as their canaries in the gold mine.
Sunday Prowl Time Chiefs (-6) at Giants Chiefs cut the Giants down to size
9 wins as Patriots GM work out to 1 win for every tooth
Monday Prowl Time Lions at Ravens (-4.5) Scary black birds tame the big cats
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Football Cat is tired from watching the Patriotic Birds play the Pokes.
Your long wait is finally over, and so is your Summah, football season is upon us! And this season is no ordinary season… this season YOU (yes, YOU!) get the opportunity to go head to head with our very own Feline Football Forecaster, the one, the only Football Cat!
One of our interns (I haven’t taken time to learn their names yet) outlined the rules in an earlier post.
The Cliff Notes version: If you can pick more winners than Football Cat you will be eligible to win a fabulous The15 Inside Joke Prize Pack! Email your picks to bjbsjournalintern@gmail.com (prior to kickoff of tonight’s game) and our plucky squad of interns will make sure your entry is added to this week’s pool of contestants! It’s that easy. All you have to lose is your self respect.
Which leaves us with the question… Can YOU beat Football Cat?
Actual prize may vary
Sexta à Noite Prowl Time Chiefs (-3) vs Chargers “I play the beautiful game while I’m in Brazil ‘Cause everybody plays the beautiful game while I’m in Brazil ‘Cause it’s all we’ve ever wanted, and it’s all that you want still Don’t you wanna play the beautiful game out in Brazil?”
Plugs shock Chiefs in the Southern Hemisphere’s Winter Classic
Pelé knew which game was the real o jogo bonito
Sunday Lunch Time Buccaneers (-2) at Falcons An opening week NFC South six pointer! Why wasn’t this on Sunday Night Football? Bucs win and all but clinch the division
Bengals (-6) at Browns Stripey cats leave the Browns strewn across their litter box
Actually Cleveland is a really nice place… for me to poop on!
Dolphins at Colts (-1.5) Ponies pop Porps
Panthers at Jaguars (-3) Cat fight! Spotted cats send black cats home with two black eyes
Woof
Raiders at Patriots (-2.5) Botox Brady’s team comes up short in the shadow of Tom’s tiny headed statue
Cardinals (-6.5) at Saints Cardinals win the Holy War
Say two Hail Marys and one Act of Cat-trition (*uproarious laughter*)
Steelers (-3) at Jets Men of Steel dominate in Metropolis
Krypto, Krytpo, Krypto! Why no love for Streaky the Supercat?
Giants at Commanders (-6) I’m calling the president. Mr. President, we need the National Guard. We need as many men as you can spare because the Commanders are killing the Giants. Wait… what? They’re already here? Never mind.
My old Platoon Sergeant said the Guard was for pussies
Sunday Dinner Time Titans at Broncos (-7.5) Tits sag in the thin air
49ers (-2.5) at Seahawks Fake Sea Birds rub Purrrdy the wrong way
Lions at Packers (-2.5) Jungle Kings devour Meat Men
It’s just a flesh wound
Texans at Rams (-2.5) Horny sheep give Houston problems
Sunday Prowl Time Ravens at Bills (-1.5) Scary Black birds spook Hairy Cows
Monday Prowl Time Vikings at Bears (-1.5) Norsemen skin grizzlies
It’s not a rug it’s a weave
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
The 15 