04/09/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Know this: After throwing out the first pitch along with his 1975 AL Pennant winning teammates, Carl Yastrzemski was back home before all the jets that did the flyover had landed.

Sox fans. Feeling a little better now? It’s a long season, in case nobody ever told you.

Has any other adult ever tried one of those Squishmallows blankets? They’re ridiculously cozy!

Val Kilmer’s death didn’t feel real. But then I saw Rear Admiral’s obit on Barstool…

Even when the racially confusing broad isn’t on the NESN broadcast O’Brien and Merloni make me feel like they’re pitching me timeshares.

What a demeaning existence. Gresh would’ve been guarding the king’s drawbridge 500 years ago, but now he’s stuck discussing Geno Auriemma’s legacy on something called “InfSportsNet” at 1am.

Rafael Devers runs like Charles Durning in When a Stranger Calls.

And now it’s Houston that can’t buy a basket in the waning moments. Congratulations Florida.

I don’t trust grunting pitchers.

Cakes are cooking for Dennis Quaid, Kirk McCaskill, Cynthia Nixon, Graeme Lloyd, Jacques Villeneuve, Gerard Way, Clare Bronfman, Keshia Knight Pulliam, Yoanna House, Milan Bartovič, Adam Loewen, Leighton Meester, Kristen Stewart, Elle Fanning, Lil Nas X, and Brooke Raboutou.

Bad news for my enemies, I woke up.

Whoever let Eduardo Perez get into broadcasting is a monster.

Isn’t Oblivio a Spider-Man villain?

Red Line Reminder: April 10-30 Service between JFK/UMass & Ashmont will operate with a shuttle train on each track. A shuttle train is one train, operating back & forth, between Ashmont & JFK/UMass on a single track. Riders on the Ashmont Branch should expect longer wait times for trains during this work. Please transfer to the Braintree platform at JFK/UMass for continued service towards Alewife.

Am I the only one who thinks Kelvin Sampson looks like OJ Simpson? Noticed the other day and can’t unsee it.

The Denver Nuggets should hire Mina Kimes. She’s so smart.

‘Fraser Minten’ was my favorite flavor of Frusen Glädjé when I was a kid.

Nice tribute to Luis Tiant above the Monster, similar to the ones for Tim Wakefield and Larry Lucchino last year. Hopefully the Sox won’t need to put one up next season.

“Hey gang of landlubbers! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “So my ex-girlfriend has joined the Navy and wants to see me before she leaves for Bootcamp.”

He’s gonna cross the sauces so hard tonight.

Wait, so Duran tried to kill himself because a law librarian bullied him?

Unless these MIT dorks invent a torpedo arm to help the Yankees pitchers throw the ball past people, this team isn’t going anywhere.

Okay, so the Russian beat the Canadian’s counting stat NHL total. Big deal.

“Ringing in the dough”? Is that a phrase?

Jay Williams who hasn’t wrecked his bike in like 20 years using “panic and miraculous” as his “one word to describe the Houston/Duke game” is peak ESPN.

‘Back to the Future’ but it’s Marty singing Jelly Roll at the school dance, and the entire crowd beats him to death.

Bruce Pearl is a slob.

When teams give extensions, they’re not just paying the player, they’re paying the person. Kristian Campbell is not the kind of guy that’s gonna be changed by money. He wants to learn and he wants to be great. Wholesomeness level at 100 just a great dude who worked to earn this.

Congrats to Marisa Ingemi, US Basketball Writers Association 2025 Rising Star.

Do you like PEEPS? I love PEEPS

The pretty ones who have no discernible talent but also don’t want to show their cooch are in a tough spot.

Another suburban family morning
Grandmother screaming at the wall
We have to shout above the din of our Rice Krispies

We can’t hear anything at all.
Mother chants her litany of boredom and frustration.
But we know all her suicides are fake.

Daddy only stares into the distance.
There’s only so much more that he can take.
Many miles away
Something crawls from the slime
At the bottom of a dark
Scottish lake.

I was asked today about my NBA comp for Cooper Flagg. I went with Scottie Pippen. I believe it’s a compliment to both, and also accurate. Obviously no comp is ever 100% on the money. But I will say, comparing Flagg to only white players seems lazy and uninformed.

Carl Yastrzemski is the bizarro Bobby Orr.

The World Egg throwing Championship will take place in June in Swaton England. Assuming the competitors can afford the eggs.

Gary Gaetti and Tim Wallach are kind of the same player, aren’t they?

This is a super old guy take, but one of the things I like best about the tournament as opposed to every NBA game is that there’s nothing being played over the PA system while the game is being played. Everything’s about the game. The constant barrage of sound stinks.

We will use the dire wolves to hunt the de-extinct wooly mammoths.

So it’s just now registering that Wally the Green Monster’s name is “Wally” because of the wall. Is this a revelation for anyone else? Clarifying that I understood the green monster part. The “Wally” for the wall part? Right over my head.

Fun fact: cookies and seafood are different.

If your favorite outfielder isn’t Wily Mo Peña, are you really a fan?

Honk if you remember Fernandomania.

A lotta kids shredded their rotator cuff because of that Canobie Lake Park radar gun.

Whose wife did Mike Malone bang?

RIP Octavio Dotel. I’m going to have to stop using the phrase, ‘as safe as a Dominican nightclub’ now.

So down to The Masters, how’s Tiger hittin’ em?

We unfroze our Yaz bread after the 2004 World Series. It smelled like cigarettes.

Best bet for the weekend: more much needed rain.

And that’s a sweep of the Knickerbockers.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Aja, when all my dime dancin’ is through, I run to you.

And happy birthday to Czech-born supermodel Paulina Porizkova.

2025 March Sadness CHUMP-ionship Preview

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Two men enter, one man leaves

Time to break out your favorite cliche!

Pick your poison… Morton’s Fork (without the option of jabbing the fork into your skull)… Between a rock and a hard place.. Iran vs Iraq… Choosing between Scylla and Charybdis (in this case more like Syphilis and Chlamydia)… Stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea… Picking the lesser of two evils… A Catch-22… Sophie’s Choice (but only if you wanted the Nazis to take both your kids)… it’s the 2025 March Sadness final showdown, it’s Felger vs Mazz!

Why won’t the Nazis take them both away?

The two behemoths of Boston Sports Radio square off so you can determine who will be crowned king of the dipshits.

Why vote for Mr. Massarotti?
Mazz loves to call athletes soft, especially when they won’t interact with the media. Now, for the second time in 12 months, Tony has turned off replies on his Twitter account. His is a racist, hypocrite, coward, lapdog. At his core Mazz is luckiest leech on Earth. He bounced around on WEEI, and even the 1510 The Zzzzone, before latching on to Felger. More than happy to give up journalism for a chance to play the addle minded Costello to Felger’s angry Abbott, Mazz has ass kissed his way to the top of the Boston radio dung heap. A meteoric career in the most miserable medium ever invented, his many on-air faux pas are dismissed by a legion of excuse makers, who – unlike you – know what’s really in Tony’s heart (hopefully arteriosclerosis).

Why vote for Mr. Felger?
Felger’s carpetbagger contrarian act has warped the minds of a generation of local sports media loving morons. We live among people who have whined and moaned throughout the greatest 20+ run in sports. A time period where we witnessed more championships than any city in the history of the world, and they didn’t enjoy them because Felger told them not to not believe what they were watching. Sure, a lot of these people are neurologically deficient, or unemployed squatting deadbeats, or were raised in broken homes by parents with missing limbs, but that is no excuse for the irreparable harm that Felger has done to them!

The Prediction:
Mazz is going to channel the joie de vivre of those guys who stole Felger’s car and steal away the crown.

As you head out to the polls, never forget that much like those fish that escaped their bowl fire in that The Far Side cartoon, no matter how YOU vote, WE are equally screwed.

Well, thank God we made it out in time… of course, now we’re equally screwed.

Patrick is from Andover del Norte.

04/02/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Soon. A little home cookin’ is what this team needs.

It’s never a good sign when your publicity stunt is initially thought of as an April Fool’s Day prank.

Officially tuning into Devers at bats like it’s Sosa-McGwire.

If it is the University of Denver, why do they go by DU? That doesn’t make sense. What am I missing @DU_Pioneers?

I just paid $7 for a loaf of bread. I hate it here.

Starting to believe the Red Sox might actually need THE BUTCHIE.

All baseball bats are torpedo shaped.

Flexing the gift card in the photo like it’s an Audi key fob.

I feel like people who grew up without money save things for a rainy day. And it’s really an unfair system.

‘Dan Campbell but he grew up further away from power lines’ is a tough sell for me.

Cakes are cooking for Reggie Smith, Emmylou Harris, Ayako Okamoto, David Robinson, Juha Kankkunen, Christopher Meloni, Keren Jane Woodward, Clark Gregg, Bill Romanowski, Greg Camp, Tammi Reiss, Roselyn Sanchez, Pedro Pascal, Adam Rodriguez, Rory Sabbatini, Michael Fassbender, Jeremy Bloom, Yung Joc, Jesse Plemons, Quavo, and Zach Bryan.

I’d like to think Parcells has as much use for a red jacket as Belichick does for an AFC championship trophy.

Isaiah Stewart needs like a hug or a role model or something.

MBTA CR – Greenbush Line trains will experience severe delays due to police activity on the right of way in the Cohasset area.

All the best hitting coaches tell you to flare your elbows, be as rigid as possible, and slide forward with every swing.

I can tell I’m turning into a curmudgeon because I hate almost every internet “trend” or gimmick or whatever. Like this dude with his ice and his banana can fuck off. I just get irrationally angry whenever I even see a banana near some ice water now.

Irons is just mad I got a free Big Gulp yesterday morning.

Original Mystique?! The chairs are cooking now!

Pretty, pretty good road trip, Celtics.

Jack Clark hit the second most impactful home run of the 1980s. Prove me wrong..

Richard Chamberlain was the Wilt Chamberlain of gay guys.

A team secretly made new bats? This like the 1983 America’s Cup all over again!

Can you brandish anything other than a weapon?

Hey now, you’re an all-star
Get your game on, go play
Hey now, you’re a rock star
Get the show on, get paid
(And all that glitters is gold)
Only shootin’ stars break the mold.

Needy Kraft gets the attention he craves, the local media gets their hero Duane shoehorned (tracksuited?) into the Pats HoF, it’s a Win-Win-Lose!

I once forgot to wear my shoes in the house and was limited to only five vacation weeks that year.

Honk if you remember Dennis Conner.

I know it has been a long time and nobody cares, but there is no way in hell Kevin Mitchell was more valuable than Will Clark in 1989.

NEWSMAX debuts on the New York Stock Exchange and Bianca isn’t there to ring the bell? Outrageous!

A: Store brand.

Jeff Howe still hasn’t broken the Stefon Diggs news.

Irons is just mad that his teeth aren’t the color of roasted almonds.

Why does Bill Simmons pronounce it “Mim-phis?”

I’m just saying stop bothering us with your life-altering family tragedies.

Best bet for the weekend: a #1 seed winning. Or two!

BdlG saved her points for a rainy day.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I grew up lower middle class.

Happy birthday as well to Serbian fitness model Jelena Abbou.

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