Region T First Round Results
Ted Johnson & Ben Volin in laughers, Haggs in a squeaker, Breer, Finn, Lifshatz, Reimer, & McCarthy advance.
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Region V First Round Results
Our first big upset of the Tourney as Arcand is found to be worse than the #2 seeded Borges thanks to a late surge of voting. It’s not a Super Bowl or a presidential election, but it’s something. In other matches, Chris Gasper garners a Saddam Hussein-esque percentage of the votes in his favor, followed close behind by DJ Bean.
In the 8/9 Castiglione vs ‘Hardy’ tilt, the Iheardahim edged out the pseudonym, MegO is a no-go vs Keefe, KPD whining about Jim Rice is not enough to get past call screener JStew, and Shaughnessy is at the top of his profession, and in the V Region.
Touts on Louts, Part One
Here’s what our in-the-know sources say about the 2022 March Sadness field:
From ‘Señor Carlos’:
Region N:
Greg Bedard (1) vs Jon Wallach (16) Almost a coach, almost hired in Vegas, almost making payroll for his website employees. Wallach is terrible, but no chance of an almost an upset here. Or any chance of an upset. Bedard moves on.
Andrew Callahan (8) vs Marshall Hook (9) Who are these people? When in doubt, pick the higher seed. I guess.
Scott Zolak (5) vs Steve Buckley (12) This is a tough choice. Zo has ruined many great Patriots moments calling the games. Buckley has been a low key hot taker and agenda carrying mediot for decades. Tough choice here, but I got to go with Buck Shot getting the victory. Say tough more.
Trenni Kusnierek (4) vs Phil Perry (13) Perry? Never heard of him. I know Trenni is terrible. She moves on.
Marc Bertrand (6) vs Rob Bradford (11) As terrible as Bradford is, Bertrand used to push back against Felger with his hot takes when he was the third guy on that show. When he got his own show he became a hot taker on Felger’s level. I know, say show more. Marc the 5th Diabeatle advances.
.Adam Jones (3) vs Dan Roche (14) The 100% fraud in Jones vs the 100% real in Roche. Roche upsets Jones. 2nd year in the row Jones loses in the 1st round as a higher seed. Maybe shut down and retool? Or maybe have a cheeseburger or three?
Tom E Curran (7) vs Peter Abraham (10) As we mentioned before about Bertrand pushing back against hot takes, Curran did it more and better for years. At some point, Curran went to the dark side. He has three kids college age, so maybe he was offered more money to go that route? Point is, he knew better but still did it anyway. Curran moves on here, and has a good chance to make the round of16.
Andy Gresh (2) vs John Karalis (15) Hand in the dirt vs ears in the air? I expect Gresh to move on.
‘Patrick from Andover del Norte’:
Region C:
Mike Felger (1) vs Steve Happas (16) The undisputed king of the sportz media airwaves pitted against some guy named Steve. The most lopsided opening round matchup since Dave Egan took on Upton Bell back in 1952. Happas isn’t even the most relevant Dakota in this tournament. Round 1 goes to Felger in a rout.
Mike Giardi (8) vs Brian Scalabrine (9) Scal made most of his waves while commenting on Covid-19 vaccines. Now that he’s at the NFL Network, Mike Giardi is more interested in surfing than making waves. Not being a worthy successor to Tommy Heinsohn isn’t a big enough to beat out one of NBCSN’s original Mean Girls. Giardi moves on to Round 2.
Andy Hart (5) vs Jared Carrabis (12) We’ve entered the body dysmorphia portion of the bracket. Inch for inch, Andy Hart may be the dumbest person in this Region. Carrabis has hitched his wagon to a dying sport, dumb but not dumber than Dumbo. Hart slips through.
Lou Merloni (4) vs Matt Fairburn (13) There was once bidding war for Lou Merloni’s services between the two radio stations. Now Lou doesn’t even have a show. Wait, I’m being told he does have a show, it’s just that no one listens to it. Fairburn came to Boston from his beloved Buffalo to cover the Patriots for the Athletic (which I’ve never read). Stalin would have been proud of the way Fairburn scrubbed his Twitter history. Since then he’s been pretty quiet. Merloni advances.
Fitzy (6) vs Chris Mannix (11) It’s rare to have such a mismatch with a 6 vs an 11. “Thanks Dad” Chris Mannix did his best work in the late 90’s while working in the Celtics locker room, but his nothing more than a minor irritation today. Faux Fitzy on the other hand should be jailed for his cultural appropriation and crimes against humanity (aka his “comedy”). The Greek from New York walks to Round 2.
Jim Murray (3) vs Chris Curtis (14) To think I once enjoyed listening to Big Jim as he spun Dinosaur Junior records on my commute home. The moist(sic) interesting thing about Chris Curtis is promoting some obscure gambling app when she’s not crying. Big Jim may have lost his afternoon DJ slot to Adam 12 back in 2010 but he’s not losing to a poor little rich girl’s Jim Halpert. Large Gymnasium move on.
Rich Shertenlieb (7) vs Mark Dondero (10) My initial reaction to this match up was, ‘who the hell is Rich Shertenlieb?’ Dondero is the biggest wannabe nobody in the market, but better a wannabe than a who the hell. The human embodiment of an epileptic seizure takes this one in for our first upset.
Tony Mazz (2) vs Jason Mastrodonato (15) The luckiest man on the planet, with a face for radio and a voice for print, dominates an unsuspecting, and heretofore unknown Red Sox columnist to close out the first round of Region C. Sone advice for Jason, shorten your last name to “Mass” and repeatedly hit yourself in the nuts with a hammer until your voice goes up six octaves, otherwise you’ll never make it in this market.
02/02/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer
Stevie Breyer, now Tommy Brady. Retirement announcements: ruined.
Do NHL players ever get Middle Body Injuries?
When do pitchers and catchers report to training camp only to find themselves locked out?
Now watch Patrick Mahomes get married in the offseason and lose his parking spot for minicamp.
I just hope the new OC is committed to building the offense around N’Keal Harry.
Happy National Girls and Women “in Sports” Day!
I think the Omicron Strain has had enough fun infecting the Bruins, thank you very much.
The problem with giving Tom Brady a one-day contract is that he’s gonna hog all the reps from Mac.
Cakes are cooking for Christie Brinkley, Dexter Manley, Robert DeLeo, Jody Hull, Shakira, and Carolina Klüft.
I suppose if you didn’t get the extra cooch muscle, having an amazing football mind is an acceptable consolation prize.
So long, Umlaut.
Per source, Washington Football Team has chosen “Commanders” as the new team name. Mascot TBA.
Whenever I am going to leave my dog alone for a couple of hours, I always give him a bone, which he always refuses to accept as a way of saying “NO, I do NOT agree to this.” But as soon as I leave the room he starts prancing around like “I’ve got a bo-one; I’ve got a bo-one.”
The #Broncos are for sale. Look for the price to start with a 4.
Switching the camera from a closeup of Sam Ponder to one of Chris Mortensen is so jarring that it should be illegal.
Cheap Kraft sat Bill on his lap and demanded Bill spend all his money. Okay.
Friday was the 36th anniversary of the Challenger tragedy. Peter King has visited the McAuliffe-Shepard Discovery Center in Concord and says “the place is a blast”.
Cooper Kupp is the worst thing to happen to black corners since stop and frisk! What?
What kind of asshole doesn’t know Helen Mirren won the Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Supporting Role for Gosford Park at the 8th Annual SAG Awards?
Homemade soup and fresh bread? Sign me up!
News Item: The New York Times announced Monday that it acquired Wordle for an amount in the “low seven figures. Wingo remains a free agent.
Knock-Knock. ‘Who’s there?’ Nick Gelso. ‘Nick Gelso who?’ EXACTLY.
Pasta piling up points.
Another hot sales girl today. Can you put your legs behind your head? Leave the boots on.
Same day tickets will be available at face value next season in Tampa Bay.
That Jackass Movie didn’t come out like six months ago?
Is there a Chico or Zeppo Belichick who can nepotist their way to the Offensive Coordinator position?
Hey Gang! Thanks for the visit! Have a Werther’s! This week’s Phrase that Pays is “How to make ‘legally’ make clam chowder and don’t frighten the pigeons.”
You got emotionally manipulated into watching the entire series run of This Is Us! You did! You did!
Update: Middleborough/Lakeville Line Train 007 (8:50 am from South Station) is now operating 40-50 minutes behind schedule between Holbrook/Randolph and Middleborough due to a late swap of equipment.
I’m just saying, if you’re going to pick a month not to drink alcohol, why not the shortest one?
Amazing memories seeing the Bosstones over the past 30 years!! One of the most important bands of my life. You were always there for me. going to miss you!! Much love.
Andy Reid is the only Head Coach to lose Conference title games by poor clock management in both the NFC and the AFC.
There’s a Vinatieri back in New England. Welcome to UMass, A.J.
Why not a two-day contract? I’m just asking the question!
Honk if you remember the 1934 Springfield American Legion Post 21 baseball squad.
Time is undefeated, but so is the yappa yappa yappa.
That Dunks closed early during the blizzard because they hate Willie O’Ree!
Can you wager on the Beanpot in New Hampshire? Unbuckle your stupid Puritan hats and in the name of the Sacred Cod, legalize sports betting, 187th Great and General Court of the Commonwealth!
Kraft is too cheap to pay Brady for one day.
“You’re so wound up” he said with his 124th tweet of the day, knotting himself into a pretzel while vigorously fisting himself.
Paneling still looks fantastic.
There I was at the immigration scene
Shining and feeling clean, could it be a sin?
I got stopped by the immigration man
He said he doesn’t know if he can let me in
Let me in, immigration man
Can I cross your line and pray?
I can stay another day, won’t you let me in, immigration man?
I won’t toe your line today, I can’t see it anyway.
If Mahomes likes running sideline to sideline to sideline for no gain, why did he put so little effort into the ‘typical sneakerhead’ State Farm ad?
The Washington “Be Blanders.” Boom, Roasted.
Don’t touch Jimmy!!
Pro tip: they’re all the Bill Atherton character in Die Hard.
You know who was very good about writing thank you’s? Margaret Mitchell.
Groundhog says six more weeks of the baseball lockout. Sorrey!
I bet Tom got conked in the head by a falling cold-stunned iguana and that’s why he accidentally left the New England page out of his IG story.
Is this real?
Some of my best friends are Brians!
Best bet for the weekend: Mac. Owning at the Professional Bowl.
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, BSMW poster TommyFW, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. When you see the Southern Cross for the first time, you understand now why you came this way.
11/03/2021 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer
Well, if you can’t win the World Series, I guess it’s okay if the team that used to play in your city defeats the team that knocked you out of the playoffs. Congratulations to the once-Boston Braves.
Nep Castiglione got the scoop on the RemDawg getting called out at third, as it were. Go figure.
Can you surf in a Fremen stillsuit?
Cam Newton led the Patriots to .500 with a win in LA versus the Chargers too, caller.
Fenway Park golf cart > Nursing Home Cat.
Aaron Rodgers didn’t get the discount double jab?
Marcus Smart who is shooting 29% from the field should shut his fucking clam.
Cakes are cooking for Dwight Evans, Dennis Miller, Karch Kiraly, Kym Hampton, and Tariq Abdul Wahad.
Okay, I’ll say it. I miss ‘Treat Yourself.’
I talked to a scout the other day- he was intrigued by Greg Dickerson’s fast twitch muscles.
Henry Ruggs III had to get home.
If Brady were still in New England we’d know that he is also unvaccinated.
Wait: Jerry, Jared, Jenna, & Jordan Remy? They’re like the Kardashians with all the K’s, but even shittier people.
Weymouth’s Own Charlie Coyle is like Tito Jackson! Or something.
Red eye flights. Yeah right,as if! LOL
Fremen ride their sandworms single-file, to conceal their numbers.
Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Make sure none of your buddies put a fake dick in your bag.”
Jerry can’t snap his fingers at waitresses anymore. Sad.
I want to cheer for Bolden!
Lots of buzz on the street about that Ed Lasso TV show. Is it on USA?
Sunday was be the first time this season Brandon King did not earn a NLTBE active roster bonus. His cap number will not change this week.
‘RIP Manny Remy’ – John Kerry
I still feel like MLB should let the pitchers who want to hit continue to do so.
Buy cows. Bitcoin cows!
Fremen think NBA players wear too much neoprene.
Green Line D Branch: Delays of up to 15 minutes westbound due to a train with a mechanical problem at Newton Centre.
New England Revolution playoff packages are now available.
He said “I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup
And spit out better words than you”
But you didn’t
Man, you’re kidding yourself if you think
The world revolves around you
You know you got lots to give
And so many options
I’m real sorry
‘Bout whatever happened to you.
I believe the clinical term is “high functioning”.
Seven cancer battles. Seven career home runs. Only in baseball.
Packers QB Aaron Rodgers was quoted as saying he’s been “immunized.” By the letter of the law in the NFL, that does not equal vaccinated.
Honk if you remember American Express Travelers Cheques.
As one computer said, if you’re on the train, and they say Portal Bridge, you know you better make other plans..
Lemme tell you kids, back in my day, the fun sized candy bars were the size of gorilla fingers!
Former Raiders WR Henry Ruggs III is a must sit-in all formats.
Congratulations to Michelle Wie on being the first elected female Mayor of Beantown.
Best bet for the weekend: forgetting to fall back one hour.
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Facebook, other writers, league and team sources, and #the15 were used in this column. Here comes the pizza!!
10/27/2021 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer
Has the national mourning period over Joe Buck’s busy season started before this week or is it just during the World Series?
Thanks for having the troll on your podcast, Mister Wall Defender. For the watch…
Bob Neumeier is gone. And there’s a lot wrong with that.
Is it possible this Celtics roster is better built to play under Brad, and Brad’s roster last year was better built to play under Ime?
The Supporters Shield sounds like something you wear while recovering from a hernia operation. Congrats, Revs. I guess.
Sox ousted from the ALCS, and then comes a frost warning followed a bomb cyclone nor’easter. Nature knows that the summer game is done in New England.
Cakes are cooking for Manu Katché, Rick Carlisle, Mary T. Meagher, Mike Ricci, and Sergei Samsonov.
Headlights? You intend to operate my Dymaxion Vehicularaxeron after sunclipse?
A minimum of two World Series games is probably more lucrative for Atlanta than an All-Star Game. Suck it, Manfred.
The Over the Air Antenna decides Mr. Scartelli
I just follow the signal
Pasta is still a goal-scoring Good Kid.
Best player in the Ocean State. Benny Hurd. Remember the name.
Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin swiftly rejects any speculation he’d be a candidate for the USC job. “Never say next, but never.”
News Item: Eversource is prepared for the storm.
The Tom Brady 600th touchdown football guy should have held out for all the other stuff plus a white pool cover.
Cuck Modi. That’s it; that’s the post.
Betting on sports and refrigerator runs can be risky!
MBTA Commuter Rail Update: While conditions are easing across the system, significant impacts continue as a result of damaging winds, rain, & flooding. Our crews are working to resolve issues across the network but ongoing delays are occurring due to severe equipment damage, signal issues, & down trees.
Black Twitter has a problem with John Stockton? Weird!
Timothée Chalamet needs a sandwich. A panini. Or a paninée, maybe.
Big bang baby, it’s a crash, crash, crash
I wanna cry, but I gotta laugh
Orange crush mama is a laugh, laugh, laugh
Nothing’s for free, nothing’s for free.
Not big on continental breakfast items in general but a properly done salt bagel with the accoutrements and a flat white is a good change of pace.
The Joe Kelly Fuck Club has a posse.
I’ve never been a fan of wearing a snap back hat backwards. Fitted hats only.
SLAM CENTRAL SANDWICH STATION
The wins are the best because then I can listen to the Talking Radio Men dismissively denigrate them!
Charlie Morton is no Gregory Campbell.
Energy is never lost. Only transferred from one form to another. See you back on March 31. – Red Sox
Honk if you remember Rusty Jones.
No, Neumie didn’t die from complications from laminitis, why would you even think that?
I thought ‘Flat’ White was a dead ball era hurler.
Word on the street is money can be exchanged for goods or services.
“Try hard, hanger-on” > “recruited walk-on”
Best bet for the weekend: people still calling the team the San Diego Chargers.
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Facebook, other writers, league and team sources, @basementscout and #the15 were used in this column.
Pokes v. Pats Prev, bro.
Note: It’s been a head in my hands type of week. Not feeling well physically or mentally. Had to take off work and I feel so bad about it. I’ll be with you guys 100% moving forward tho. It sucks having to take a mental health breather but I need it.
Well folks, the Patriots did the impossible last Sunday at Houston. They came out victorious. With major gaps on the offensive line due to injury and irresponsibility, New England was able to improve to 2-3. Unfortunately, they are in a dogfight currently for the last Wild Card space with a mere twelve games left on the schedule.
America’s team comes to town on Sunday with weapons that most Patriots fans would covet. There will certainly be a challenge in that Dallas comes to the ‘boro with a two headed attack with explosive players in each facet of the game. (Editor’s Note: there are, of course, three facets to the game) Ezekiel Elliot comes in boasting a massive stature, as if he has been training in a Woburn office park. CeeDee Lamb is a dynamic receiver, begging the question again if the Patriots will ever be able to draft a quality downfield player.
Knowing Mike McCarthy, the Cowboys will do the opposite of what they should do in a game plan in Foxboro. Instead of running the ball consistently, they’ll likely look to pass. Matthew Judon, who has been a force on the DL, will be called upon to have another great game if the Patriots look to have a chance against America’s Team.
Much like a GRAFF on cake, look for New England to play a 3-4 hybrid base on Sunday in an effort to confuse Dak Prescott. Prescott’s struggles have been against teams like the Patriots, and New England’s disciplined front will surely pose a threat to him, even given his weaponz.
The Patriots owner, who ran away like a Braintree lawyer from an underling during deflategate, let the uRI Typical football team use the team’s plane to their game this weekend against Towson. This leaves many questioning where the ownership is during the team’s toughest time. Their former HOF QB has left, because the team gave up on him. No free agents want to play in the area, mainly due to race related incidents on local radio outlets. Yet, the owner seems to think it’s a good idea to just wax poetic with state schools. Playing grabass with people who will be living on Aquidneck island in 3 years, and pulling over at the 7-11 on 138 in an effort to not poop in the car.
In spite of what local podcasts may spew, the Texans were not a good team. That said, there is some value in winning on the road. At the post game press conference, Matt Judon mentioned how it was good to get a win like that, as the team felt that they were playing good ball. In spite of what the pundits say, this has been the case. Ultimately, the team is a fumble and 3’ on a FG attempt away from being 4-1, but close only counts in horseshoes and hydrogen bombs.
All the world will be watching on Sunday. It should be a good matchup. Give me the home team and the points. Patriots 21-14.
A special shout out to friend of the column SteveR. Made good on his wager in regard to the TB Bucs winning by more than 21 points a few weeks back. Please consider a donation to your local animal rescue shelter.
S. Tzu-Pei is an Intern and Lead NFL Writer for The15.
New In The Merch Store!
Happy Mo Lewis Day!
(From The15 Archives, originally published on this date in 2019.)
The Day Drew Almost Died
(Sung to the tune of Don McLean’s “American Pie.”)
A long, long time ago…
I can still remember how that QB used to make me smile.
And I thought if he had the chance,
That he could make Krafty Bob dance,
And maybe we’d be happy for a while.
But Parcells leaving made me shiver,
And Pete Carroll could not deliver.
Good news on the doorsteps;
Tom Brady would soon get more reps.
I can’t remember if I cheered,
When I read that his artery was sheared,
But I sure know that Coach Bill lied,
The day Drew almost died.
So bye bye cerebral statue guy.
Threw the passes to the D-line,
Or hit the corners in stride.
And Nick and Ron were drinking whiskey and rye,
Singing “Drew is such a nice classy guy”.
Drew is such a nice classy guy.
Does Drew even read his Book of Plays?
Then why’d he just pass it to the Tampa Bays,
If the Coach didn’t tell him so?
You don’t believe in gaining yards,
You can’t be saved by Parcells and Cafar…do.
And can you teach me how to move real slow?
Well, I know the media’s in love with him,
‘cause I saw one slurpin’ on his Jim,
He got down on his knees,
Man, I dig that dig-nity.
I was a lonely Globie in Foxboro,
With a speed-dial line to Tom Donohoe.
But I knew I had nowhere left to go,
The day Drew almost died.
I started singing,
Bye bye cerebral statue guy,
Threw the passes to the D-line,
Or hit the corners in stride.
And Nick and Ron were drinking whiskey and rye,
Singing “Drew is such a nice classy guy”.
Drew is such a nice classy guy.
Now for five years we been on our own,
Zeffross Moss grows fat, and we’ve had Michael Stone,
But that’s not how it used to be.
When the Statue took a nut crushing sack,
With skills he borrowed from Mike Tomczak,
And footwork that made him look, like a tree.
Oh, and while the Statue was on the turf,
Tommy led the Patriots rebirth.
The Drew era was adjourned,
No more picks would be returned,
And while Borges ripped the coach for Starks,
The QB moved to Orchard Park,
And we raised banners in the dark,
The day Bledsoe almost died…
We were singing,
Bye bye cerebral statue guy,
Threw the passes to the D-line,
Or hit the corners in stride.
And Nick and Ron were drinking whiskey and rye,
Singing “Drew is such a nice classy guy”.
Drew is such a nice classy guy.
Tall, strong slinger with a broken finger,
Passes not complete but they sure were zingers.
Six and two but falling fast.
Drew often ended up on the grass,
Whenever he tried for a forward pass.
With the jokes in the press box giving Coach such sass.
Now Mo Lewis’ hit was sweet perfume,
As the stench of Bledsoe’s failures loomed,
We all got up to dance,
As the new guy got a chance.
Oh, as Brady played with nerves of steel,
The Statue’s limits were soon revealed.
Six Banners now hang above the field,
Where Drew, he nearly died.
We started singing,
Bye bye cerebral statue guy,
Threw the passes to the D-line,
Or hit the corners in stride.
And Nick and Ron were drinking whiskey and rye,
Singing “Drew is such a nice classy guy”.
Drew is such a nice classy guy.
And there we were down in Foxboro,
A QB lookin’ oh so slow,
With another I-N-Teeeeeee.
Drew be nimble, Drew be sacked,
Mo nearly broke poor Drew’s back,
But he played with dignity-y-y.
Oh, and as I watched him dive off the stage,
Tameeka’s disks cost 1.2 mil to assuage.
Max Lane could not repel,
Made Reggie White fast as a gazelle.
And as the blames piled high into the night,
Couldn’t be Drew, he was alright,
I saw Borges laughing with delight,
The day Drew almost died.
He was singing,
Bye bye cerebral statue guy,
Threw the passes to the D-line,
Or hit the corners in stride.
And Nick and Ron were drinking whiskey and rye,
Singing “Drew is such a nice classy guy”.
Drew is such a nice classy guy.
I met a man who sang the blues,
And I asked him for some happy news,
But he just smiled and turned away.
I looked up that great box score,
Of the Minnesota game some years before,
But even then some said that Bledsoe couldn’t play.
And ar the Globe: the writers screamed,
Nutscrubbers cried, and Ron Borges schemed.
But not a word was spoken;
The AP feed was broken.
And the three men I admire true;
The Tuna, Don King and Cerebral Drew,
They caught the last train for Montana, too.
The day the Drew almost died.
And they were singing,
Bye bye cerebral statue guy,
Threw the passes to the D-line,
Or hit the corners in stride.
And Nick and Ron were drinking whiskey and rye,
Singing “Drew is such a nice classy guy”.
Drew is such a nice classy guy.
They were singing,
Bye bye cerebral statue guy,
Threw the passes to the D-line,
Or hit the corners in stride.
And Nick and Ron were drinking whiskey and rye,
Singing “Drew is such a nice classy guy”.
Drew is such a nice classy guy.
Copyright 2007 BSMW. Lyrics by Kevin, InThisTown, BOSsportsfan34, Smilin’ Joe Hesketh, Miserable Fellow, Marty Nopointe, Joe Dokes, UncleGizmo, and Ironhead.
The Athletic’s Heel Turn: Meet New Patriots Beat Writer Matthew Fairburn
On Monday, September 9, 2021, The Athletic’s Jeff Howe announced his promotion to National NFL Insider, leaving an opening for the The Athletic to fill for Patriots beat coverage. As you might expect, Boston Globe media critic Chad Finn was all over this, having inside details of Howe’s promotion and search for a replacement nailed cold. (Just kidding. Charred Finn was folding Felger’s warming napkins before heading to Market Basket to fetch ketchup for Big Gym and chloroform-laced kitty litter for Jimmy Stewart.)
In a coordinated fashion, Howe tweeted his promotion and his replacement revealed himself. Matthew Fairburn is the new beat writer covering the Patriots for The Athletic:
Per usual, colleagues tripped over each other scrambling to tweet congratulations at Fairburn for his new role at The Athletic in nauseating numbers. Inside the headquarters of The 15, there was more skepticism. Unlike Charred Finn, we went to work and some gems were unearthed.
Is The Athletic Boston turning into The Unathletic Medway? I’m Just Asking The Question, reader. I would make a suggestion to Fairburn: Never go full Bedard. At all.
Fairburn is off to a rollicking start. He’s checking all the mediot boxes. Belichick cheats? Check. Brady about to go off a cliff? Yup. Reheated conventional wisdom passed off as insight? Bing. Intellectual dishonesty? You decide.
He deleted his tweets to spare his friends from an onslaught of Twitter nonsense. One might suggest his uninformed, trolling nonsense started this. Framing himself in the most unselfish and gallant of lights, Fairburn wanted to spare his friends from nonsense. But who is Fairburn sparing from an onslaught of Twitter nonsense in this since-deleted tweet?
Fairburn has spent the past week deleting tweets at a greater rate than Tom Brady destroys cell phones.
Meet the new beat writer for The Athletic Boston’s coverage of the Patriots: A Belichick hating, Brady cliff-diving, Cheating Cheatriots Spygate Enthusiast and DeflateGate Truther conspiracy theorist who will dedicate himself to providing unbiased, quality coverage of Bill Belichick’s New England Patriots. Is Fairburn writing for his audience? In Buffalo, he was catering to folding table murderers and dildo tossers. In New England, will he cater to the mouth-breathing Felger worshippers and angle for the weekend fill-in radio hottakez dollars?
The only question I need answered about Fairburn going forward is if he prefers mittens, Splenda, or a thesaurus.
Members of #The15 and Entitled Town contributed to this column.
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