Category Archives: Uncategorized

Beasley Media/98.5 Massarotti Apology Template

Posted on by One comment

**CONFIDENTIAL**

From: 98.5 The SportsHub Human Resources

To: All Employees

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

It’s time for our biannual reminder when a member of the SportsHub on-air staff allows their unconventional/non-traditional core beliefs to be spread over FCC-governed airwaves which is then picked up by national and international media (not including members of the Boston Media under the “BSIC Back Slapping Incestuous Cesspool Accord of 2007”). This protocol will NOT be enacted when media outside New England fails to pick up an potential issue similar to midday host Marc “Beetle” Bertrand recently suggesting Bill Belichick is an anti-Semite, but with multiple outlets outside our governance involved, in this instance we are forced to deploy “Massarotti Protocol”.

Steps:

1: Modify (The Lazar Method): Edit and/or delete audio from website archives.

2: Gaslight and Obfuscate (The GOrdway Method): Have the offending on-air personality read from the following template:

The Tony Massarotti Apology Template

(NOTE: Please attempt to show empathy and remorse vocally) *citation needed

I did want to address this, because during yesterday’s show, while we were discussing (sports/players/teams/games), I made an off-color reference to (insert differing race/color/creed/sexual preference from 985 hosts) and how I didn’t (believe in them/have confidence in them/thought they SUCKED). And in doing so, I used a derogatory term that was (unbeknownst/repugnant/acceptable) to me.

I have since come to the realization that historically, there is some derogatory context for that (term/phrasing/manifesto), which I assure you I did not (know my mic was on/think about/understand). Nonetheless, in so doing, if you are among those who I offended, I apologize for that. It was not my intent. (Be sure not to apologize for the act itself.) I can sure assure you that I had no idea that the word had that meaning. As such, I won’t use it again. You’ll never hear me use it again on the air or off (that you’ll ever hear about). There was no intent behind it is all I can tell you. And I apologize again to those who are offended.

There is no way, I will resign. It wouldn’t be fair. Not to the good workers I work with, not to my listeners, and especially not to me. Let’s not forget who this whole resigning business is about, anyway. If I could leave you with one thought, remember… it wasn’t me. They’re trying to make me an escape goat. If I am fired, I swear to God, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it. The F-word.

You have one day.

**TO BE RE-RELEASED IN SIX MONTHS**

Welcome Back Students

Posted on by Leave a comment

This is an accurate representation of all the important parts of the Greater Boston Area.

Welcome back to all the college and university students! And a particular welcome to our new and returning squad of student interns here at The15, both in the Greater Boston area and elsewhere:

Emily Olivia Anderson – ’25 University of Massachusetts – Boston

Peter Cates – ’26 Framingham State University

Caylee Chennault – ’26 Salem State University

Evie Dzodocz – ’25 Liberty University

Carla Fong – ’27 University of Connecticut

Wade Fuzzle – ’26 Assumption University

Stanley M. Grzbwczwcz – ’26 University of New Hampshire

Enkidu Jackson – ‘ 27 University of Massachusetts – Lowell

Raymond J. Johnson IV – ’26 Providence College

Bonnie Malfiglio – ’27 Emmanuel College

Seamus MacGuffin – ’27 Boston University

Sarafina Minicucci – ’26 Merrimack College

Thomas Poult –  ’26 Bunker Hill Community College

Beatriz Emily Santos – ’26 Northeastern University

Tang Ting – ’27 Massachusetts Institute of Technology

Lawrence L. Trullbrooke – ’25 Boston College

We hope to learn as much from you, as you do from us. Remember: Knowledge Is Good.

(Appearance of actual interns may vary.)

‘Who is Jake in Boston?’ A Follow Up

Posted on by Leave a comment

We have learned more about Jake Duhaime, BKA* ‘Jake in Boston’ since our original investigation back in the fall of 2021.

He has a yen for travel. Did he learn the long-forgotten fable of the Goat and the Owl from a secluded tribe in the Amazon rain forest? Perhaps from a Bedoiun lemon merchant? Or from an Albanian lobsterman? We may never get a satisfactory answer. Alas:

A Soupey, with the ruinous Scott Zolak.
A Tampa Bay Buccaneers game.
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

(Jake must have paid for the billboard with his 2nd half of 2020 souvenirs and snacks travel budget for a never-taken trip due to the pandemic. Money well spent.)

The World Cup
Three humps
A manly beverage
Another Soupey
Jake is comfortable dressing down…
…or dressing up.

He’s equally at ease on the TD Garden parquet…

He’s a hooper

…as he is on the Garden ice.

Single runner skates in an upset.
He definitely likes the ladies. Like Taylor Swift…
And ‘Barbie.’

But there are times where Jake prefers the company of men.

But here we arrive at the piece de resistance:**

That is Jake in Boston.

And so are these:

(67.7% probably, repeating of course.)

Thank you to all who assisted in this.

*- Better Known As

** – French for ‘large false shrub’

SPECIAL GUEST SUBMISSION

Posted on by Leave a comment

(Editor’s Note: This article was initially sent to us in error, its intended recipient apparently being Mike Reiss. After contacting the author, he graciously assented to it being published here, provided it not be edited for content. Please enjoy.)

DEAR MYKE

SORRY FOR DELAY I COULD NOT FIGYA OUT MY GMALE PASSWURD. IT WAS TOONA. ANYWAYS AS I PREDICTID BRADY LEFT AND BELLYCHECK CANT WIN THE BIG ONE EVEN WITH ZAPPY. DONT EVEN GET ME STAHTED ON MAK. HES ADMITTEDLY VERY HANSUM BUT HIS AHM IS SOFTA THAN MY RICHAHD AFTA A PEPSI BURP FROM MY BELOVID DOROTHY. RIP. I DID NOT SEE YOU AT THE (CAMERON LOL) WAKE BUT AS YOU PROBABLY HERD SHE HAD SAHS-COV-2 FORTEEN TIMES AND EVENCHUALY SUKUMMED. WEAH NOT ANTI-VAX THEY JUST COODNT FIND A VAIN IN HER AHM.

WHAT ELSE IS IN THE NEWS? FORMA PRESIDENT DON TRUMP HAS BEEN UP TO NO GOOD LOL. WHATS UP WITH THAT GUY? HES SOMETHIN ELSE. LARRY KING DIED HUH?

BACK TO THE PATS. IF THEY DONT AT LEEST WIN A TITAL THIS YEAH THEN BILL HAS TO GO. HEYA ARE MY CONTENDAS TO REPLACE BILL:

  1. VRABES – THSI IS OBVIUS. THREWOUT HIS CARERR AS A PLAY AND COCH HES WON MULTIPLE SUPA BOLS. THATS WHAT THIS TEAM NEEDS. SOMEWON WITH EXPERIENCE WINNING (PRONOWNCED LIKE FOREST GUMP LOL).
  1. PAHCELLS – IF STILL ALIVE HE WOULD BE PURFECT. IF YOU TAKE AWAY HIS FURST AND THURD SEEZINS WITH THE PATS HE WAS 21 AND 11 AND A MASTA COMMUNICATA REMEMBA WHEN HE CALLED THE MENTALLY FRAGILE AND CLINICLY DEPRESSED LATE TERRY GELNN “SHE.” THAT WAS THE BEST. “SHE” LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. ALTHOW WE PAHT WAYS WHEN IT COMES TO SHOPIN FOR GROSSERIES. NOW THAT MY LATE BITSH WIFE IS DIRT NAPPIN I GOTTA GOT TO DEMOOLASES FAH ALL OWA VICSHUALS AND I ALWAYS BUMP INTA SOMEONE I KNOW AND THEN I GOTTA CHIT CHAT ABOWT HOWS WANE WELL NOT GRATE ON ACCOUNT OF JANYOUARY SEVENTH HE WENT BY HIMSELF AND WAS APPREHNDED WITH GREAT EEZE.
  1. THE GUY FROM THE RAMS.
  2. GORDON RAMSEY – A LITTLE OUTSIDE THE BOX BUT HE WOULD BE LIKE “MAC YOU CALL THAT A SPIDA 2 Y BANANA YOAH A UNDACOOKED CO CO VON AND DELECTABLE PASS ZAPPE” PLAYAS NEED DISIPLINE NOWDAYS AND THAT IS NOT RASHUL AT ALL.
  3. OKLAHOMA OFFENSIVE COORDINATA JEFF LEBBY

ANYWAY MY BATTERY IS RUNNIN OUT BUT LETS TALK SOON. MY FONE NUMBA IS 617-529-1375.

Poor Wayne.

Wayne’s Fatha is a die-hard Boston sports fan and irrepressible commentator to message boards and comment threads. He lives in the Merrimack Valley. He is Wayne’s Father.

Happy Upton Bell Day

Posted on by Leave a comment
Upton Bell came very close to General Managing the New England Patriots to ten wins over two years, Mike.

Upton is Bert Bell’s son. Bert Bell was once the Commisioner of the NFL. Bert Bell was Upton’s father.

Upton Bell claims credit for more discoveries, innovations, and interactions with famous people than even Eddie Andelman!

Upton was General Manager of the New England Patriots. In 1971 he forgot to send option letters to the Patriots players, effectively making the entire team free agents.

The Patriots record during Upton’s tenure as GM was 9-19.

Upton Bell can do anything he puts his mind to, Kevin.

Everyone who could refute any of Upton’s Commander McBragg/Baron Munchausen/Forrest Gump stories is conveniently dead.

Upton is so old he understands all the outdated pop culture references in the previous sentence.

Upton Bell believes nepotism has no place in the modern NFL, Mike.

On Twitter, Upton likes to reply, and replies to likes!

Upton Bell was There At the Beginning. Of the AFL, not the United States.

Upton will turn 100 in 2037.

Upton wishes you a Happy Him Day.
« Older Entries Recent Entries »