Author Archives: scartsy15

What We Learned in 2023 – Part Two

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…the future is where you apply the lesson.

(Read Part One here)

Red Sox outfielder Alex Verdugo felt snubbed after not being selected to the American League All-Star team.

Your New England Free Jacks won the Major League Rugby Championship.

The first thing they teach you in rehab is to attempt to reverse any accountability you’ve taken. Well played, Huggins.

“Rusty Sullivan” sounds like something DJ Bean pays for in the bathroom of a Southie bar.

Dan Orlovsky is the worst person UConn Athletics has foisted onto society including Tate George being in the clink and Johnny McEntee spearheading January 6.

Very few can make a fire boom bap beat with no samples.

“Bob Huggins” is the name DJ Bean uses when he gives out Rusty Sullivans.

Jeff Passan is really odd-looking. He’s like a ventriloquist’s dummy from the 1950’s.

We officially have a surplus of pitchbots.

It’s possible to take the dick and not tweet about it.

It’s almost as if Dug Kyed was lying when he said he had a bunch of job offers and loved being at A to Z Sports.

If you like athletic blondes with ponytails then that Norway – New Zealand Women’s World Cup game was for you. Hope you caught it live.

People are ready to blow their fucking brains out when Belichick brings Patricia and Judge back but cream their shorts when the same lazy media blowhards take turns hiring each other at their fake publications.

The sheer magnitude of the landscape bewildering to the league is beyond the pale of comprehensive.

It’s apparently very hard for players to understand the NFL’s “don’t bet on football games” rule.

Kendra is bussin’.

Bruce Arena said Doris Burke isn’t very good at her job. He’s done.

Creating a false W-2 is a crime.

If Alex Morgan’s exasperated looks were goals the US would have comfortably been atop Group E.

Bluesky is still in beta.

Jayson Tatum lets Deuce go out in the direct sunlight? I figured he was like the children in that Nicole Kidman haunted house movie.

Had no idea Paxton had a knuckle curve.

A summer party without a cake…is like a rainy day.

The Sox stumbling out of the gate post trade deadline after winning just enough to cancel the fire sale was the most predictable result ever.

Lipless coffee pots! Million-dollar idea.

Crows are the only birds that attack eagles then eagles fly high and the crows fall off and die.

If you put native corn on the grill that is a complete waste.

Megan Rapinoe was voted ‘Most Likely to become one of Immortan Joe’s Imperators’ by the Aussie locals.

Every NBA player have a fucking podcast.

How are we supposed to know you are trying to get to Fenway Park for work if you don’t mention that’s where you’re going.

Penn Entertainment got the reach and cachet of ESPN, Portnoy got to keep all the great big fat persons, the overage interchangeable frat bros, and Jerry Thornton. What a win! #GoPresGo

Dugie thinks being lazy makes him more authentically Mexican.

Alexi Lalas is why they hate us.

I was growing concerned Trev Story was going to barricade himself in the Table Talk Pies building rather than report to Fenway.

The Governor of Hawaii is named Josh Green. Any state can have a ‘Josh Green’. Hawaii should have a guy named like, ‘Governor Haunapukamana’lei’lei.’

Tom Brady becomes part owner of Birmingham City FC. Related, Boston Globe reporter Bob Hohler is on a plane en route to Birmingham Airport.

You’re supposed to recycle the cardboard box the trash bags are packaged in you vapid bint.

Wander Franco is going to be so vindicated when it’s revealed the gal had a Dominican birth certificate and she’s actually six months older than he is.

A cat is only itself, representative of the strong forces of life that won’t let go.

All the worst people were emotionally invested in the Ravens meaningless ‘streak’.

Bucko Kilroy has a grandson named Gavin.

Our President is older than the American League MVP in 1968, or the NL MVP from 1970.

There are no cool people that take ketamine.

‘Has the persona of an Anti-Zionist Muhammad Ali’ was on all of Len Bias’s scouting reports.

Pascoag has a microbrewery.

If you have no backup quarterbacks, you really don’t have any backup quarterbacks.

Morey Hershgordon isn’t real and he cannot hurt you.

Publix says it will no longer make hurricane themed cakes due to sensitivity concerns.

Houck unraveled quickly.

The Galactic Empire apparently had a dress code Moff that forbade women to wear tight pants.

Mac knows he has to be better.

The Dodgers fix dudes left and right with grips while the Sox can’t even manage a bullpen correctly.

Bill Lee is too old for baseball. He should run for the Senate.

I hate the ‘Coach Prime’ nickname more than the ‘Shady’, ‘Hollywood’, and ‘Wink’ ones put together.

Terry Pegula and Jerry Jones seem nice.

There’s nothing like riding an electric bicycle to a game of pickleball.

Jeff Passan should make a baseball bat and a ventriloquist dummy using the tree branch that fell on him.

Thankfully Tom Caron pronounced “Negro Leagues Museum” flawlessly.

Now that Gil Brandt’s dead, just imagine all the players we’ll learn he called Upton Bell about.

It must have been a short discussion about the IR between JuJu and the team.

WWE wrestler Test died in 2009? Cross him off, then.

You don’t need and most likely cannot handle a Belgian Malinois. don’t do it.

‘Sale and Paxton need eight days of inaction’ could be the Hub’s ‘Spahn and Sain and pray for rain’ of the 21st century.

The Red Sox decided to play G-d and made Chaim Bloom their Moses: You can lead us through the desert, but you won’t be the one to take us to the Promised Land.

Bob Lobel’s legs look like they should be hanging in a Chinese meat shop.

Lauren Boebert is no Alanis Morissette.

The Bruins Centennial Jersey needed more stripes on the sleeves.

Zo doesn’t like the play calls on third down. He doesn’t have a better play in mind, he just thinks they should always pick up the first.

This pizza thing is going to be huge. give it time.

Artie T is the biggest needle mover in the world of banana boxes.

Tony Massarotti has more suspensions than Marchand in the past year, but yeah, he shouldn’t have been named captain.

Mike Lombardi is the Vince Lombardi of spam tweets.

We’re in New England. Stop saying y’all.

Curt Schilling is like Pete Rose, in that every time you feel like you’re ready to start defending him again, he goes back to his looney room and comes out with another treasure.

The people who mocked Belichick as being a “genius” for 20 years are also the same people who think he should be able to completely rebuild the team in four. In other words, fucking idiots.

Fall Out Boy covering Billy Joel is why they hate us.

Artificial Intelligence program’s inability to correctly render human hands must give Larry Johnson some small comfort.

All weed is gay now.

Everyone knows your crazy conspiracy theory being true is an absolute defense to witness intimidation.

Four-cylinder Honda’s are going to get very pricey again.

Boston Sports Journal is like a graveyard for once-overpaid scribes who don’t know they’re dead yet.

Abby has multiple jobs. Dickerson has no job.

Jon Smoltz called Game Seven a “must win” for the Astros. Okay.

That stupid Mike McDaniel watch story couldn’t be more tailored to impress the credulous NFL media had it been created in a lab.

Yarmouth Massachusetts is a noted hot spot for comedy in October.

The Sara Civian fan club is strong and we stan.

Being a fired NFL head coach is the best job in the world. Josh McDaniels? He lasted longer in Vegas than than Greg Bedard and he’s still getting paid.

We play hard around here.

During the 1980’s Bert Breer had a General Motors Starter jacket.

Add ‘plastered’ to the football lingo.

You know you’ve crushed branding your podcast network when you need to include a parenthetical on how to pronounce it.

Fox has Stink and Pink on the same NFL broadcast crew.

Megan Rapinoe is committed to Achilles tendon injury equity.

Will Smith’s career has been going great since he faked that Chris Rock slap.

Charissa Thompson isn’t the first to spill too much personal information in an effort to impress Big Cat.

WEEI seems at peace with never coming close to respectable ratings.

Bench guys need to bring the psycho energy.

Jack Edwards speaks like he’s hitting the middle button on predictive text.

I’m hearing the Red Sox are in on everyone.

It took a 7’3″ blindingly white guy for Jaylen to finally be able to see an open teammate.

We live for the fray.

“Fat Lunatic Tells Mayor to ‘Go Back to China’” probably would have made the news.

Sports Illustrated probably should have known Olivia0917693516 didn’t actually write those articles.

Nothing says “moving on to the 21st century” quite like getting fired by NFL Network and then writing for Bedard’s shitty website.

Something that never existed cannot recur.

Cris Collinsworth owns PFF and every time he appears on national television, he devalues his investment.

The Steve McNair murder ottoman claimed another one.

If Shohei Ohtani had a sense of humor, he would have made his surprise announcement on December 7th.

Max Strus looks like he sells MDMA.

If you combine this IST championship with the Lakers bubble championship, that’s almost like one whole championship.

Dan Orlovsky is the NFL’s Myrna Carter of advice giving.

We all fit the profile.

Hardy goes from being the third guy on the midday to being the solo host next time Toucher has a relapse of (cough) “throat issues”.

Everybody has a price. Cerrone Battle’s is just really low.

Dart Adams’ nephew is 6’6″.

I never realized how many loser fans Ted Johnson has.

CeeDee Lamb is a Top 1000 NFL WR.

Wacky Mahomes and Kelce commercials just hit different when they suck.

Chris Sale was somebody’s favorite player.

Thanks to all our regular readers, our irregular readers, and the bots. See you in 2024.

What We Learned in 2023 – Part One

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The past is where we learn the lesson.

‘Blunt force trauma to the chest can’t induce a heart attack’ was the new “fire can’t melt steel.”

That Cohasset fella should’ve Google searched “how not to kill and dismember anyone including my sweet wife.”

Wickersham was ready to crown McVay the greatest ever.

It’ll never not be funny that a group of nominal adults with journalism degrees came up with “Media Good Guy” as a name for an award.

Massachusetts has 16 municipalities that end in -ham, and 4 that end in -mouth.

Twitter made the world better by giving people a forum to proudly advertise that they think you can win a game 1.49 times.

Jac Collinsworth wears more eye makeup than Derek Carr and Peter Schrager combined.

It’s expensive to have baseball players.

Eddie Andelman calls that Oriental film that was nominated for Best Picture, ‘Everything All Over the Place.’

The Clover Cabal runs The Association.

If a “Rules Analyst’ is a key component of your sport’s broadcast team and people still don’t understand what the rules are, guess what? Your sport sucks.

A Northeastern/Harvard Beanpot Final can and did happen.

Adam Jones had an opportunity to reinvent himself as something more than cut-rate Felger impressionist and decided against doing so.

The Daisy Sour Cream song has no business going that hard.

The Panthers did what so many others had tried: They hired Jim Caldwell as a senior assistant.

All Tony Mazz did was say that two black people looked like car thieves based solely on immutable physical characteristics after making sure they couldn’t hear him say that.

If you don’t know then why ask?

The Chicago Bulls shut down Lonzo Ball for a second consecutive season Tuesday as the point guard continued to struggle with discomfort and pain in his left knee.

Reporter Jonny Miller stays in the exact same motel room every Spring Training.

Edmonton fans are awfully yappy for a city that doesn’t have an airport.

There’s nothing more pleasant than the smell of eggs, meat and cheese on a crowded train. It’s very Boston.

If Las Vegas was like 75 percent more walkable it would be close to perfect.

NESN’s spring training camera had a dead pixel.

Three losses in a row can never just be three losses; they have to be due to an overarching systemic malaise that will doom the team if it happens come playoff time.

Charlie Baker wouldn’t let Merrimack play in the Tourney.

Andy Wong just likes having his picture taken.

NY Football Giants Daniel Jones with a guaranteed 820,000,000 dimes! Crazy!

UConn was poised for a March Madness run.

Nicaragua had a tough World Baseball Classic. Lordy!

Purdue Men’s Basketball should try and get some of those notoriously permissive Big Ten refs to work the Tournament one of these years.

You’re not a real sports fan unless you enjoy Division 3 women’s basketball.

There’s a Harvard Extension Medical School now, apparently?

It’s definitely organic that every person who has ever commented on Kara Lawson uses the exact same superlative to describe her basketball mind.

Boston as a sneaker mecca is a tough sell for folks who don’t know. It was wild to live in a place where Adidas, Nike & Reebok were all at war with each other at one point in time, but you’d enter Jamaica Plain via the Orange Line and suddenly everyone’s rocking Fila there?

Chris Curtis doubtless spent his week’s suspension in quiet contemplation of his many mistakes.

What a delightful trollop that Paige Spirinac is.

Always make sure you know who the stepparents are, Harvard Women’s Hockey Coach Lady.

Alex Verdugo was the first Red Sox player to lead off the first inning of the team’s first game with a triple since Rabbit Warstler in 1931.

Eggs, black coffee, sunshine. All we need.

Asante Samuel loves getting reminders of the worst moment of his career every few months.

There’s a 1 in 555 chance to catch a foul ball.

Kim Mulkey goes through a carton of Misty’s a day.

Once the Boston media united behind the “Brogdon never starts games, which means he’s better” narrative, it was over. The Boston Sports Media machine is too powerful, too disciplined. Always has been.

Kutter Crawford is the new Rac Slider.

Quinnipiac winning the Frozen Four makes that part of Connecticut New England again.

Pete Blackburn gets his clothes at Build-A-Bear.

It took only 12 games into the season for a Red Sox pitcher to openly weep on the mound.

I bet money on a Revs game. I won, sure, but still.

NYC’s population of single ladies was queueing up to be squired about town by confirmed bachelor Aaron Rodgers.

Sox in 2 had to pad things out for that one game!

Looking for a cat friendly place to host your next event? Elks Lodge #720 in Nashua is our top choice.

Trae Young looks like a doll they found in the rubble after a tornado.

The nice thing about the Bruins series loss is you find out who all the better sports fans than you are.

Baseball is occasionally boring.

Sic transit gloria mundi, Matignon hockey.

Area sports fans refuse to induct coach with a .500 winning percentage into team hall of fame, local media members hardest hit.

Lukey Russert wrote a book. Supply your own punchline.

Every guy at watching the Heat play at Miami’s American Airlines Arena looks like Andrew Cunanan.

Sanna Marin is officially a free agent.

Nikola Jokić. Good fundamentals. Gritty. Plays the game the right way.

The billboard? Great idea. No possible downside.

Chris Paul has won everywhere he’s been except Phoenix and Oklahoma City and Houston and Los Angeles and New Orleans and Wake Forest.

It’s amazing that Dan Lifshatz is able to have all this action when he’s been shut off by every book. 

A great gesture by Jeff Howe to raise money to help people who actually do have cancer.

All that ridiculous free throw disparity and the NBA still couldn’t drag Los Angeles into the Finals.

You know someone’s made a poor vocational choice when they thank Evan Lazar and Alex Barth on their way out.

Maybe the real Eastern Conference Championship is the friends we made along the way.

Guidance counselors funnel people with psychotic levels of self-confidence but no aptitude for law, medicine, or engineering into sports writing.

The Las Vegas Golden Knights matriculated their way to winning a Stanley Cup for Coach Cassidy because we can’t have nice things.

Floramo’s moved to Wakefield and Malden.

Every single time you saw Kenley Jansen, either on TV or around the ballpark, he’s mentoring some young pitcher on the staff.

NASCAR used to be guys named Matt and Jimmie. And now its guys named Ryan and Ross.

When you want a deep, thoughtful reflection on the perils of doing business with an autocratic government who funds terrorism, I go to the guy who plays golf for a living and fucks Wayne Gretzky’s daughter.

Instead of saying “a non-Power Five coach told me” Russillo should say “Trent Dilfer told me.”

Nothing has been the same after the USGA turtled post Shinnecock.

Bob Huggins needed to get home.

UFC expertly blends violence with homoeroticism so it naturally plays well in America right now.

The secret is the Merritt Parkway instead of 95.

Never trust a guy with Air Monarchs. It’s right up there with don’t play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city.

Table Boston has the best Rosemary Scapicchio in town.

There’s a time to compliment someone on their Throw Power rating in Madden, but it’s not in the immediate aftermath of their tragic untimely death.

Keith says it hard caps at the 2nd apron. There was no second apron before.

Fall River is a town.

To be continued…

2023 Top Local (Sports) Media Stories

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January – Gabby Starr of the Boston Herald is a Woman in Sports

The Boston Herald hired Gabrielle Starr as a Red Sox reporter, over our strong objections, and dispatched her on her first assignment to cover the Red Sox Winter Weekend in Springfield. Hilarity ensued:

What? You might ask, why not drive the five minutes to your hotel, and write your story ahead of the deadline, you know, for your job in a warm room using the hotel’s wifi? Because you won’t get any Margaret Bourke-White stolen valor doing that.

Adam Jones Moves from 98.5 to WEEI Afternoon Drive Time Cohost

Jones was reunited with Christian Arcand on the new show, which also boasted Meghan Ottolini as a cohost. Jones’s addition was part of a recent deck chair rearraigning at WEEI, which included saying aloha to afternoon host Lou Merloni, moving Christian Fauria from afternoon drive to middays, and banishing Rich Keefe from middays to evenings.

Oddly, in a head-to-head matchup the listeners preferred the actual Michael Felger to the Great Value version of him, leading to ratings low enough to implode a poorly constructed submersible with the loss of all hands. Figuratively.

February –Evil Tony Did a Racism

Tomy Masserotti thinks all Black people steal cars!

This admission against interest led to a short suspension for Mazz, and sensitivity training for the entire Beasley Boston group.

However, the promotion of Cerrone ‘Dark Bertrand’ Battle who previously was involved in sports podcasts and Celtics playoff postgame shows to nighttime and weekend programming contributor in June was purely coincidental.

Midcoast Maine Needs Starlink

Ostensible Boston Globe media columnist Chad ’98 point’ Finn would have liked to have covered the Racist Mazz story, he really would, but Midcoast Maine, where he was, had no internet. Sad. Fix it, Elno!

March – Chris Curtis Nip-Gate

‘Nip’ is both New England regional slang for 50 ml miniature liquor bottles, and a historic racial slur for those from Japan (Nippon) in particular and can be extended to include all Asians in general. Keep that in mind when Chris Curtis lists ‘Mina Kimes’ as one of his top Nips:

Curtis would later claim he meant to say Mila Kunis and not Mina Kimes. Right. This led to a week-long suspension for Curtis. All fix!

Just look at him. He said what he meant to say.

The League isn’t about Mike Giardi anymore

Giardi would later be picked up by Greg Bedard’s CLNS-underwritten vanity website BSJ in July.

May – Fred Toucher Misses Time at Work Due to Throat Issues, Quickie Little Stint in Detox.

Having lost his voice earlier that month due to ‘throat issues’, Toucher checked himself into the facility on Sunday for a 72-hour treatment. With Sunday and the holiday Monday not counting toward those hours, was released from the facility on Thursday morning, allowing him to return to work on Friday.

Going Great!

Shukri Wrights Place Wright Time

2023 was the year of Shukri Wrights. And Shukri Wright. And Shukri White. All Shukris everywhere really. And Shukri Wright(s) really was everywhere. The podcaster, early-30s college radio host, TikTok video maker, and Bleaver – finally got his big break, calling women’s college hockey on ESPN+ (they got his name correct in time for his last game). Then, in late spring, Shukri finally got his big break and booked several national radio call-ins that some people almost listened to on SportsMap Radio. The record-setting Bruins may have flamed out, but Shukri didn’t, finally getting his big break as the inaugural editor and beat reporter for the Boston Bruins page on The Hockey News. Shukri provided his unique coverage during the Bruins busy period after the free agent signing period but before training camp began, but got his big break covering the retirement of Bruins legend Patrice Bergeron. In true Shukri form, he didn’t write an article for his new media outlet, instead crossposting a TikTok video reaching dozens of younger fans via algorithm. His time at THN was short-lived though, as the New York native and lifelong-Beantownian left Boston before the season started for his hometown of Philadelphia in the Commonweath of Pennsylvania, It was there in the City of Brotherly Love that Shukri finally got his big break, becoming a contributor to Fox Sports PHL Gambler. In his spare time, Shukri likes to check out many great restaurant.

June – All Hat Nick Cattles Plumb Ain’t Rustled Up No Local Radio Job

Journeyman Nick Cattles, late of stints with 98.5, WEEI, and ESPN Radio departed his radio gig in the Golden State’s Capitol City, at the 50,000-Watt blowtorch Sactown Sports 1140 AM in order to spend more time with his family on the East Coast. Really. Nick had been there since 2021, also wearing the program director hat for a time.

Cattles could not have chosen a worse time, as it happened soon after another round of layoffs in sports media, particularly effecting ESPN and The Athletic. However, he still has his family and his podcast.

November – Toucher & Rich Done For Good

Sports Hub stalwarts since Day 1 back in 2009, Fred ‘Toucher’ Toettcher and Richard ‘Rich’ Shertenlieb’s slow-motion conscious uncoupling became official late in November with the announcement that Fred signed a contract extension, while Rich chose not to do the same. One Rob ‘Hardy’ Poole will replace Rich in 2024.

Thanks go out to the entire Local Collaborative, and especially to Officer Santos, Rex Dart, and the unaffiliated (Sideshow Bob groan) ‘Cully’ for their contributions to this post.

12/27/2023 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Thanks for the early Christmas present, Chad.

It’s never bad to beat the Broncos in Denver. Way to bounce back, Ryland.

Nice west coast road trip, Green Team.

It’d be a pleasant way to end that losing skid with a W against a Buffalo squad, Bruins.

I thought Tatum would have a nicer house, tbh.

Wonder if Red Sox told Yamamoto their ballpark is most beloved.

Jack Edwards is doing totally fine. Stop asking about him.

Congratulations to ‘Hardy’ for finally making above minimum wage after 25 years in radio.

Fun fact: The wild turkey was designated the state game bird of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts thirty-two years ago today.

Turtleboy goes before A Judge more than Gleyber Torres.

Cakes are cooking for John Amos, Mike Pinder, Terry Bozzio, Andre Tippett, Bill Self, Jim Leyritz, Bill Goldberg, Jean-Christophe Boullion, James Stewart, Carson Palmer, Emilie de Ravin, Paul Stastny, Hayley Williams, Rick Porcello, and Timothée Chalamet.

Started spur-of-the-moment (and way overdue) re-watch of one of HBO’s best, “Six Feet Under”. On 2nd viewing, you pick up on so much shit you missed the first time (& spot future stars). Such a unique premise with fantastic writing/acting, as well as perhaps the best finale ever. My only complaint: the show needed more Percocet.

The New Year is really right around the corner. I’m very excited.

Teams fuck themselves up attacking Hauser like he’s some traffic cone and turns out he isn’t. It’s like when the Celtics mismatch hunt and then struggle scoring because they aren’t playing within their offense.

Hi Upton, I just wondered if you had a personal anecdote about any famous event that happened in America in the 20th century?

Just thought of a random dark Curb Your Enthusiasm-esk bit … Larry wins a fantasy football league where one of his friends died during the season, tries to collect from the widow.

Red Line Update: This delay has cleared.

Hey gang of deceptively athletic types, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Do I have to draw you a picture? Fine. Hand me the peach crayon.”

I didn’t need my bank wishing me a Merry Christmas via email. I need them to just be quiet and hold onto my money.

Emile Coué + Oswald Bates = FCHWPO

I had a pair of the K-Mart fake Adidas with the five stripes when I was little. I would like to be in the documentary.

Holiday traffic really kills the holiday spirit.

There’s a coinflip’s chance Robert does something stupid because he’s miffed no one ever called him a genius or The GOAT.

Random thought/question: Anyone remember Pizzarias chips from Keebler? Those things were so good. They should bring them back!

Why do we never get an answer when we’re knocking at the door?
Because the truth, it’s hard to swallow, that’s what the war of love is for

It’s not the way that you say it,
When you do those things to me.
It’s more the way that you mean it,
When you tell me what will be.

And when you stop and think about it,
You won’t believe it’s true.
That all the love you’ve been giving,
Has all been meant for you.

I’m looking for someone to change my life.
I’m looking for a miracle in my life.
And if you could see what it’s done to me
To lose the the love I knew could safely lead me through.

Add Paxton, and Giolito, and a few more pieces, and we’ll be all ready for 2024!

“My sister was molested and all I got was this lousy excuse to drink” is a tee shirt you can find at Hampton Beach.

To the good, Aidan has a hairstyle that can be trimmed competently using only electric clippers.

Did the Lakers get that stupid IST champion banner from a company in Indianapolis?

You see, because..

The NFL let the Chiefs play too many games over the last five seasons on purpose to make them tired!

Wander Franco is now Evade Franco. Sad.

Honk if you remember when almost everything you wanted but didn’t get for Christmas was on sale now at Sears!

Hearing whispers everyone employed by that CONSONANTS vanity site have applied for the vacancy at 98.5.

Nemesis follows hubris, chudmuffins.

Go out and get that Washington Football Team a pair of wins, embedded Patriot Jacoby Brissett!

The comparison between Mike Trout and Mookie Betts is in several ways a replay of the competition between Mantle and Mays. Mantle won in the short run; Mays won in the long run–and it kind of looks like this one is going to go the same way.

Why is Servpro the sponsor of the First Responder Bowl?

Celibate Midget benched, Old Friend Stihdsy to get the first team reps the final two games for the Broncos.

Have a safe, happy, and at worst, mildly tipsy New Year’s Eve.

Best bet for the weekend: an entertaining Orange Bowl.

Nice shirt, stupid.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. What are words for, when no one listens anymore?

And a happy birthday to actress & model Eva LaRue. Wonder if she had a nickname?

From The15 Vault – Not Letting Racism Get off Scott-Free

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(Originally published February 19, 2019 by DesignatedKyle at BJBSJournal.com)

The days between the NFL’s conference championship games and the Super Bowl turn the sports media landscape into a desolate wasteland. The Pro Bowl sucks and everyone knows it, but writing about how much the Pro Bowl sucks is pointless because everyone knows it. In late January the NBA hasn’t even reached the All-Star Break. College football’s long gone. College hoops are somewhat interesting but there’s only so many ways you can write “ZION OMG” before it gets old. Spring Training hasn’t arrived, and until it does the baseball people are hunched over in a corner murmuring about problems with free agency and snarkily Tweeting about other sports.

Those dead days before the Big Game are wide open prey for anyone who wants them. In 2019, I’m proud to say that BJBSJ pounced.

Meanwhile, in some forgotten corner of Pittsburgh, where poorly-patched streets front peeled-paint houses, Ska Katsfart was doing some pouncing of his own. For several days in a row, this Football Outsider was click-clacking away at all hours of the night, engaged in a strange kind of warfare. Anyone that dared question his football claims was in danger.

I won’t go into detail about the content of his arguments that week because it is irrelevant to the story. His delivery of his claims was problematic, and those vicious barbs reflected a past pattern of behavior that was soon to be brought to light.

About a year or so ago, the Outsider verbally attacked a Twitter acquaintance of mine. The victim, who will only be referred to as the Rabbit, simply questioned the veracity of one of Mr. Kickball’s provocative claims. The football analyst and FiveThirtyEight contributor proceeded to tell Rabbit to “fist” himself. Twitter is a vulgar place, so the issue isn’t necessarily language; the real problem was a nationally-known writer lashing out at his critics with remarkable cruelty, and getting away with it. Other users have confirmed with me and my colleagues that they have been similarly treated by Kiksmall.

Flash forward to the final days of January 2019.

In the midst of Karsmack’s days-long jihad against anonymous Twitter critics, BJBSJ’s investigative unit uncovered a racially-charged (if not straight up racist) Tweet he sent a few years ago. It wasn’t long until another problematic Tweet popped up. Then another.

This went on for about and hour or so. It doesn’t take very long to go into Twitter’s archive. This was anything but a planned out “smear” like he would later insist.

I’m positive that we discovered less than half of what was there before Kicksma decided to cleanse his feed. After compiling our findings, I released the racist Tweets to the public. My colleagues spread the story across Twitter, but several hours passed before it was picked up Robert Littal’s Black Sports Online.

Kokesmell and his employer gave no comment until late that night, when he posted an apology to his Twitter feed. Of course, by apology I mean that he said he was sorry anybody took offense to his Tweets, not for the Tweets themselves.

The “apology” wasn’t enough for Football Outsiders, either. On an El Paso radio station, Kankersore shared the news that he had been fired.

Soon, Awful Announcing had an article up. BJBSJ (“a news organization that doesn’t even have a website” according to Kedsmer) had broken the biggest media story of Super Bowl week. Please disregard the Minifans who say their idol had some kind of impact in Atlanta.

A day or two later, Kazmir penned a lengthy harangue against BJBSJ. He attempted to explain away every single Tweet that had been released to the public, but failed miserably. He even included the laughable assertion that the only reason people found his Tweets offensive was because they disagreed with his football opinions. The level of arrogance is simply astounding. I’m not going to link it because I want to spare you, dear reader, from having to see such a pathetic display. As appears to be his custom, he played the victim. Bitch, you wrote the Tweets, not me.

12/20/2023 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Yvonne Craig wishes you all a Merry Christmas. Even if she knows you were naughty. Oh yes, she knows.

Winnable games this week lost by the P’s, B’s, and C’s. Less than ideal.

I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile.

Keep your head down for 25 years and you too can receive a too-late promotion in a dying industry.

Welcome to New England, two-time MLS Cup winning coach Caleb Porter.

There hasn’t been a good new Christmas song since 1992.

Looking for a last-minute Christmas gift? Consider a pound or two of Callahan Coffee: it’s dark and delicious and as a bonus a portion of each purchase is donated to keep a needy Russian conscript fighting in Ukraine for another six days!

Maybe name your burner something other than Andrew.

Cakes are cooking for Peter Criss, Dick Wolf, Uri Geller, Alan Parsons, Cecil Cooper, Anita Ward, Joyce Hyser, Nate Newton, Aubrey Huff, Jonah Hill, Lucy Pinder, Jojo Levesque, and Kylian Mbappé.

“Damontae Kazee” sounds like something a vaudevillian magician would shout before he made his lovely assistant disappear.

This Iceland volcano shit is insane, kid. It’s gon’ be ugly when Ma Nature has that big-ass, lava-spewing, Earth-shaking ultimate orgasm. Just another reason to #BuyPhysicalMedia.

I never realized how many loser fans Ted Johnson has.

Not saying there is a prejudice against Japanese pitchers, but the Sox got Koji Uehara cheap in 2013 because people said he couldn’t close games and couldn’t pitch on consecutive days. He closed, pitched on consecutive days and had a 1.09 ERA, 10-1 strikeout/walk ratio.

Call me Jayson Tatum: I love hitting 3s.

Hey gang of nonprime numbers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Hug your penguins a little tightah.”

Everybody has a price. Cerrone Battle’s is just really low.

One could scarcely help fancying it must have run there when it was a young house, playing at hide-and-seek with other houses, and have forgotten the way out again.

I could never say “Courvoisier, please” to a bartender.

Can you have offered Yoshinobu Yamamoto $300 million and then not have offered him $300 million?

Green Line D Branch Reminder: Shuttle Buses replace service between Riverside and Kenmore due to track work. Regular service will resume on December 21.

UConn Men’s BB holding steady at #5 in the AP Poll.

The modern-day equivalent of “don’t trust anyone over 40” is “everyone under 40 is mentally irregular”.

I’m not hearing Boston sports talk being done differently. At all.

It’s okay to not be okay, J.C. Jackson.

I hear Cashman is working on a trade for Connor Wong next. Then will try to package Wong, Downs, and Alex Verdugo to LA for Mookie Betts. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Hardy goes from being the third guy on the midday to being the solo host next time Toucher has a relapse of (cough) “throat issues”.

SMARTEN UP

‘Electeds of Color’ sounds like a kick ass band name.

You can ring my bell, you can ring my bell
Ding, dong, ding, ah-ah, ring it
You can ring my bell, anytime, anywhere
Ring it, ring it, ring it, ring it, oww
You can ring my bell, you can ring my bell
Ding, dong, ding, ah-ah, ring it
You can ring my bell, anytime, anywhere
Ring it, ring it.

It is required of every man, that the spirit within him should walk abroad among his fellowmen, and travel far and wide; and if that spirit goes not forth in life, it is condemned to do so after death. 

Joansies’ ratings are so low they’re all RT’ing and favoriting ballwasher posts.

Society has progressed past the need for Zack Snyder movies and/or multiple bad cuts of said movies.

So you are telling me ‘Hardy’ and ‘Sarge’ are different people? If you say so.

Honk if you remember the Sears Wish Book. And honk twice if you remember Old Fezziwig.

If the local media could kindly stop trying to press a gold watch into Belichick’s palm and push him out onto a waiting ice floe that would be great.

Oh God! to hear the Insect on the leaf pronouncing on the too much life among his hungry brothers in the dust!

Looking for a last-minute Christmas gift for that hockey fan in your life? Try Tough Guys by Dale Arnold (Triumph). He profiles a long list of NHL’s enforcers, who talk about their peculiar roles. Among his subjects: Chris Nilan, Jay Miller, Terry O’Reilly and P.J. Stock. It’s a revealing read into an increasingly rare subculture and comes recommended.

So apparently the frails don’t like being called broads. Who knew?

MLS dropping out of the US Open Cup tells you everything about that league. The only real and historical piece of US Soccer and they ask out.

Referring to drug and alcohol abuse as “self-medicating” is like referring to candy bars as “Nutrional supplements.”

A: Dart Adams’ nephew is 6’6″.

Lauko didn’t waste much time getting into it again, did he?

This boy is Ignorance. This girl is Want. Beware them both, and all of their degree; but most of all beware this boy, for on his brow I see that written which is Doom, unless the writing be erased. 

It’s amazing. My buddy’s son’s team lost a heartbreaker to their rival last night in almost the exact same fashion as the Celtics did v. Golden State. Lead throughout. Lead slips. Offense at the end dries up. Back breaking 3 by outstanding shooter to tie. Wheels come off in OT. Lordy.

If you don’t find National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation funny I don’t know what to tell you.

Ron Hobson Media Good Guy Award SZN.

I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they teach. 

Best bet for the weekend: traffic by the shopping centers.

All fix!

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. And so, as Tiny Tim observed, God Bless Us, Every One!

Bianca should win all the awards.

12/13/2023 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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700 million dollars is a lot of money.

If Shohei Ohtani had a sense of humor, he would have made his surprise announcement on December 7th.

Do you think that Bailey Zappe has blocked Dan Orlovsky’s phone number yet?

I’m being told #10 is not in fact Top 5.

Do New York Giants fans have a nickname for winning with Tommy DeVito yet? Like a Linsanity-type thing? If not, they should.

Malik Cunningham wasn’t even here long enough to be referred to as “the player”.

Dan here’s my message to the Red Sox and it’s as simple as it gets. Stop talking about doing things and do them in front of me and make me stop not believing that you don’t care about winning.

It’s the final two minutes of the game, it’s not The Purge, Mahomes. There are still rules.

Cakes are cooking for Dick Van Dyke, Lou Adler, John Davidson, Ferguson Jenkins, Skunk Baxter, Ted Nugent, Wendie Malick, Steve Forbert, Morris Day, Richard Dent, Bo Pelini, Josh Fogg, Amy Lee, Rickie Fowler, and Danielle Collins.

Plans for Ohtanis Japanese Steakhouse in the Big Concourse have been cancelled. Instead we’ll get Breslow’s Kosher scratch & dent knish cart.

The Steve McNair ottoman claimed another one. RIP, Frank Wycheck.

The Los Angeles Chargers at the Las Vegas Raiders sounds like it’s from Biff Tannen’s sports almanac.

There’s no vulture emoji.

Ohtani banked $700 million and immediately apologized for making people wait lmao imagine being that polite

Sal is The15’s Larry Flynt. Except that he’s crippled by gas station drugs.

Your Christmas lights temperature color is wrong.

Pat McAfee seems like a guy who has at least two stepfathers, has kids who have multiple stepfathers, and is a stepfather himself. #tanktops

The fact college hockey is on a break for exactly the time period I am back in New England is ruining my life.

Hey gang, this week’s phrase that pays is “Serbian stolen valor.”

Between MegO drinking Mountain Dew and convenience store energy drinks and hating all vegetables, she has to be the trashiest college women’s lacrosse player ever.

The Andelmans ruined the Three Stooges Marathon.

If you combine this IST championship with the Lakers bubble championship, that’s almost like one whole championship.

HAHAHAHAHA! Cutlets!!

Bobby Bonilla walked so Shohei could run faster than the speed of light.

Meet me in the middle of the day,
Let me hear you say everything’s okay.
Bring me southern kisses from your room.
Meet me in the middle of the night,
Let me hear you say everything’s alright,
Let me smell the moon in your perfume.

Oh, Gods and years will rise and fall
And there’s always something more.
It’s lost in talk, I waste my time
And it’s all been said before.
While further down behind the masquerade the tears are there.
I don’t ask for all that much I just want someone to care.
That’s right now.

I feel like every franchise needs a third-string QB that’s an egregious stereotype of the people who reside in the geographical area of the team.

Honk if you remember Mark Henderson.

If you think Belichick is terrible why does it matter where the draft pick is?

Max Strus looks like he sells MDMA.

There was a psychic named Criswell. No idea if he predicted the Red Sox signing a guy with the same name.

How many times in the last year have you ridden in an elevator?

I see this alot nowadays. I get in with 5mm of rubber covering everything but my eyes and nose. These people getting in bare is something to do with Wim Hof or cold therapy. Either way, it’s fucked.

Dan Orlovsky is the NFL’s Myrna Carter of advice giving.

I’m kind of disappointed that Kirsty MacColl couldn’t be bothered to show up at Shane MacGowan’s funeral.

No famous person has had a birthday in secret since the turn of the century.

Congratulations Joe Castiglione on winning the Frank Deford Award.

Baseball bat knob shot glasses!

Malik Willis and Malik Cunningham should join forces to create 3/5s of a good QB.

Detective Frank Pembleton could have gotten a confession out of Ray Ray. Gone too soon, Andre Braugher.

Best bet for the weekend: things could still change.

Whooooooo! Cake with candles! 1967! Where’s the presents!?!

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

And Happy Birthday to Taylor Swift, pictured here with two of her cats, ‘Tom Luger’ and ‘Baron von Zeppelin.’

12/06/2023 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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This is where the MLB Winter Meetings magic happens, folks. The Gaylord Opryland Resort & Hotel, Nashville, Tennessee.

The Patriots sucking might just flex some of these media losers out of jobs.

Dugie traded to New York? They’re obviously trying to launder the return on Mookie.

Someone has to be held accountable for losing the in-season tournament that I thought was a dumb idea until just recently. And that someone is Kornet.

This is of course payback for FSU stealing a national championship from Notre Dame in 1993.

“This Banton guy”. Says the guy whose name Felger nearly remembers.

Imagine wearing a ‘Big Dom’ sweatshirt and an attractive woman asks you what your shirt means and having to explain it.

Cakes are cooking for Dan Harrington, JoBeth Williams, Keke Rosberg, Thomas Hulce, Steven Wright, Peter Buck, Nick Park, David Lovering, Judd Apatow, Kevin Cash, CoCo Vandeweghe, Johnny Manziel, and Giannis Antetokounmpo.

Logan Paul needs better entrance music. Too generic for a big-name star.

Nothing says “moving on to the 21st century” quite like getting fired by NFL Network and then writing for Bedard’s shitty website.

Green Line: Service has resumed between Babcock St, Kenmore, Heath St and North Station. Trains will continue to bypass Haymarket Station through December 16 to allow for work on the Government Center Garage demolition.

The Reds moved up into the top 6 in MLB Draft Lottery, so the Red Sox stay at 12 even with the Mets falling back 10 slots. That jump up by the Reds cost the Red Sox at least $210,000 in bonus pool value (based off 2023 values).

Anyone else object to announcers at high school football games saying, “I hope you took the over?”

Also, it is just me, or has Sophia Jurksztowicz changed her appearance and primed for a network spot? She is an absolute pro on the hockey analysis side already.

Hey gang of bean counters! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “The last thing that tub of goo needs is more red meat.”

Ohio State QB Kyle McCord has entered his name into the transfer portal.

“You are a bad sandwich like the one in Minority Report” is a very very solid niche comeback.

I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… perhaps you’ve seen it?

Nicholas Judice, one of the pitchers who the Red Sox received in the Alex Verdugo trade, is 6 foot 8.

I’m hearing whispers MMFR1 has never not been disappointed by a scone.

Oh, pipe down, Dark Bertrand.

Something that never existed cannot recur.

I just want Shohei to go where he’s most comfortable. There; I said it.

Honk if you enjoy a Gershwin tune.

It took me way too long to realize Joaquin Wilde was DJZ in Impact.

Cris Collinsworth owns PFF and every time he appears on national television, he devalues his investment.

People comparing Giannis to Shaq in any way need to calm down.

Wow, you thought you heard ‘Fairytale of New York’ during December a lot before!

I saw the sign
And it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign.
Life is demanding without understanding.

I saw the sign
And it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign.
No one’s gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong;
But where do you belong?

So I had trouble sleeping last night, or so I thought. Turns out I was dreaming that I couldn’t get to sleep. Got in some good delta wave sleep. I woke up confused but refreshed.

Joe Mauer is an obvious Hall of Famer. That is all.

The good news is if Bill Belichick wins three more games this season, he gets to take Coach Prime’s spot as Sporthuman of the Year.

A: Gifts are multiples of 18 because 18 is the number of life or lucky number.

The Verdugo trade is about the best prospect they got back. Insight like that is why Lou Merloni makes the big money.

‘Gaylord Opryland’ was also one of Upton Bell’s P-Town stage names.

It would be epic if the Trev Lawrence injury opened up an opportunity for a quarterback of colorrrrr

The tongs silenced Big Jim’s dad. RIP.

What do we think of Rhode Island FC’s kit reveal yesterday? Let us know in the comments.

Tanking and sucking are not synonyms.

Did Von Miller bribe the League Suspension Man like he did the Piss Man?

Best bet for the weekend: More than six total points getting scored in the Army-Navy Game.

Welp. Won’t be needing to find room in the Celtics trophy case for this one.

Material from interviews, wire services, X FKA Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Steven Wright, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Your head will collapse, and there’s nothing in it. And you’ll ask yourself-Where is my mind?

And Happy Birthday to actress Sarah Rafferty. Who you may know from ‘Suits.’

11/29/2023 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Dolly Rebecca Parton is a national treasure.

Not sure what the value is in running a fake sports website, Sports Illustrated.

It took a 7’3″ blindingly white guy for Jaylen to finally be able to see an open teammate.

MegO is such trash drinking some shady energy drink. To roll into work at 1 PM.

Dolly Parton! Now there’s somebody who’s having a life. So impressive.

Are you hearing the Red Sox are in on everyone? Because I’m hearing the Red Sox are in on everyone.

You hire a guy with the name Eberflus and you deserve what you get.

So the Barstool Crew flew to Ann Arbor to watch the Michigan-Ohio State game in an office park?

Bench guys need to bring the psycho energy.

Cakes are cooking for John Mayall, Chuck Mangione, Suzy Chaffee, Jerry Lawler, Barry Goudreau, Howie Mandel, Neal Broten, Rich Camarillo, Don Cheadle, Dee Brown, Jonathan Knight, Mariano Rivera, Anna Faris, Russell Wilson, and Stefon Diggs.

Does anybody call Marvin Harrison Jr. ‘Maserati Marv’ besides Gus Johnson?

There is no bigger cluster fuck than that 146/95/State Offices split in the history of US highways.

Are We Finally Ready For Roman Style?

The NHL should take a page out of the NBA’s book and have the Bruins host an in-season tourney at Hockey Town USA.

When have we ever claimed to be above the fray? We live for the fray!

Zach Edey is Mandarin-Canadian for Hasheem Thabeet.

Would it be a uniform violation to let Mac Jones wear a red non-contact jersey under his gameday uni top?

So Connor Bedard’s mother is a whore and it’s the Blackhawks’ fault?

You ate ten stuffed mushrooms! You did!!

If you’re a team in the Central and you don’t claim Corey Perry then what the fuck are we even doing?

Green Line Reminder: Service is suspended from North Station to Babcock St (B), Kenmore (C + D), and Heath St (E) through December 5. Use Buses for service to Back Bay, and Orange Line for service downtown.

Goaltender Jeremy Swayman returns to the Bruins lineup Thursday vs San Jose. Swayman was pulled from the lineup during his most recent start.

Dave Brown’s surprise return to Entitled Town was copied by the WWF having MC Pank or whoever come back.

They got the logo on the side of this new building now and it’s giving me major Decepticon vibes. I hope we weren’t working for Megatron this whole time.

Hey gang of gustatory gourmands, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Go get a roast beef sandwich and calm down.”

Is there a better name for a running back then Gainwell?

Kratom? At 7-Eleven?

SI probably should have known Olivia0917693516 didn’t actually write those articles.

It takes a really skilled addict to find a way to OD at the exact moment you happen to have your neck pinned to the pavement.

Someone should tell the Celtics there’s money on the line before every game.

And when you get it
It makes you feel good.
You don’t regret it
But maybe you should.

Just face the music
Or turn away.
Just face the music
You can run or stay.

Narrator: The Kansas City Chiefs team colors are NOT and have never been black and red.

Every new country artist my wife listens to has a name like a jobber that Jeff Hardy would beat on a non-TV match.

Tom Brady doesn’t look so good; you don’t suppose he grew into an avocado allergy, do you?

Honk if you remember Ernie and the Automatics.

“Fat Lunatic Tells Mayor to ‘Go Back to China’” probably would have made the news.

Jets opening Aaron Rodgers’ 21-day practice window. WOW.

If the Celtics win this in season tournament, they’ll get shit on for blowing their wad in December. If they get knocked out, it’ll be ‘you just showed that once again you can’t deliver in high pressure games’. There are zero possible outcomes for this where Celtics will avoid getting attacked. It’s a toxic media market’s wet dream.

Does wearing Flex Seal cause brain damage?

Hey Adam Silver, great job on the in-season tournament! Keep it up, fammo. People notice!

Lotta dudes who won absolutely nothing for 20 years during the Patriots dynasty suddenly have a lot to say now that the Patriots are trash for the first time since Y2K and Tom Brady’s retired.

Kudos on the Thanksgiving Friday news dump about the fender bender, Mayor Wu. Well played.

Bowl-bound BC Football.

Are people going to get Peacock so they can watch Bills-Chargers?  Oh, wait you get a Melissa McCarthy movie?  Now I’m in!

All the best to Mike Shildt with the Padres. The Padres are a little hard to root for, with their approach of trying to steal everybody else’s favorite player and pretend they add up to a team, but . . .I hope Shildt lasts there 20 years and wins some big ones.

Best bet for the weekend: More attempts by the local media to Inception RKK into firing Belichick.

Bruins pictured here at WARRIOR ICE ARENA hope to end a three-game skid tomorrow.

Material from interviews, wire services, X FKA Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Old Friend Lebron, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Cool the engines. Cool the engines down.

And happy birthday to former funny car drag racer Ashley Force Hood.

11/22/2023 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Charissa Thompson did nothing wrong! No snark, no hyperbole.

Charissa Thompson isn’t the first to spill too much personal information in an effort to impress Big Cat.

Jack Edwards speaks like he’s hitting the middle button on predictive text.

The Celtics have the best record in the league, a historically great net rating, new stars who look great with the team, returning stars who are playing well, leveled up coaching, and our fans on twitter are spending the day insulting each other. God Bless America.

WEEI seems at peace with never coming close to respectable ratings.

I’m more and more impressed each time I hear Drew Carter call a Celtics road game. This dude knows everything about the team and both its current and former players, as if he’s been around the organization for years. He JUST got here! Wildly impressive.

Milan Lucic tasteless joke goes here.

Why does Bill Burr make 1000x more sense than any person in the sports media?

Cakes are cooking for Terry Gilliam, Guion Bluford, Billie Jean King, Yvan Cournoyer, Steven Van Zandt, Tina Weymouth, Lyman Bostock, Jamie Lee Curtis, Steve DeOssie, Hugh Millen, Mads Mikkelsen, Sen Dog, Boris Becker, Sharin Foo, Joe Nathan, Shawn Fanning, Oscar Pistorius, and Hailey Baldwin.

I am not sure if I wanna live in a world where Hall and Oates don’t get along.

They killed JFK because he was about to reveal NFL Secrets!

GLX Reminder: Shuttle buses will replace Green Line service between North Station and Medford/Tufts from 8:45 PM to the end of service, Nov 27- Dec. 10, due to track work. Union Square riders should use Bus routes 86, 87, or 91 to connect to shuttles or Orange Line service.

There’s no more try-hard move than the Italians bringing out their lasagna and red sauce for Thanksgiving prior to the meal. We get it, your great-grandparents fucked on a peninsula, congrats.

Looking forward to the 2024 draft, Michael Penix Jr. looks to be the next Davis Mills.

Hey gang of sports bettors, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Whole fit is fire.”

Milan Lucic tasteless joke #2 goes here.

RKK and not BB made the decision to go year-to-year on TB12’s contract? An image that comes to mind is John Henry awkwardly hugging John Lester. Although in this case it’s Kraft wearing a puffy jacket made by one of his rapper friends.

Honk if you remember Aldous Huxley.

Shots on Thanksgiving for the Bruins?! OMG yes! LOL

So what I’m hearing is the Steelers organization decided to…blame Canada? (David Caruso sunglasses GIF)

“I like what Dallas did.” Sirhan Sirhan.

Aly, walk with me in the summer.
Aly, walk with me.
Aly, walk with me in Portland.
Aly, walk with me.

Aly walks with me in my dreams;
So strange and true.
Can I walk with you in Portland
Walk next to you?

Don’t buy a giant TV to replace your slightly smaller giant TV, get a mattress and boxspring like an adult, stupid.

“Ghastly” is an underused word.

Let’s see. . .you have an old, injury-prone player who is God Awful Slow, doesn’t play defense, hits around .200 with nearly 2 strikeouts for each hit. . ..and saying that he probably won’t play every game next year is controversial?

Milan Lucic tasteless joke #4 goes here.

The package stores will be closed across the Commonwealth tomorrow for the same reason we have the worst sports fans in the country.

A game-time decision for Antonio Gibson…

Are the Eddie Andelman Sports Huddle gobbles logarithmically scaled, like the Richter magnitude scale? Two gobbles being ten times worse than one gobble?

Best bet for the weekend: Lots of viewers for the Pats/Giants tilt, but not for the reason you think!

Be thankful we lived in a time when giants walked the Earth.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, several Old Friends, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. We reserve the right to update this column later in the day.

And Happy Birthday to actress Scarlett Johanssen, who seems like a nice lady.

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