The Round of 32 got off to a roaring start yesterday, with Faux Fitzy and Nickeless Cattles pulling off minor upsets, and Adam Jones beating back Chris Curtis’s unwanted advances (Lucy take note).
What does today have in store? Well that’s entirely up to YOU!
Region C 1 Mark Daniels vs 8 Mark Dondero After getting his ass handed to him by Daniels, expect to see Mr. Dondero pulling his hoodie closed a little tighter while monitoring the halls at Bellingham Memorial Middle School.
No running in the halls!
4 Scott Zolak vs 5 Andy Hart Everyone’s dream dad puts lil’ Andy in timeout
I want to watch Bluey!
3 Jim Murray vs 6 Brian Scalabrine Scal is annoying but Large Gymnasium is vile.
2 Ted Johnson vs 7 Dan Shaughnessy Mrs. Johnson’s PTSD is triggering at the thought of the beating Ted is going to unleash on Shank.
Region T 1 Marc Bertrand vs 8 Christian Arcand There will be no trouble brewing for The Far Side kid in this matchup
4 Tony Mazz vs 5 Dan Lifshatz Lifshatz’s best bet is Mazz advancing to the Sour Sixteen
3 Cerrone Battel Ackerman vs 11 Kendra Middleton Hopefully Kendra finds her missing epi pen before her swollen face gets any worse. Raleigh beats Jacksonville
Hoping Kendra had a blast in Ireland
7 Pete Abraham vs 15 Trenni Casey You people just do not like Trenni. Prove me wrong (you won’t)!
It was another glorious Evacuation Day yesterday. Hopefully you too are feeling much lighter and refreshed this morning, because it’s time to separate the dingleberries from the actual turds.
This is the strongest Round of 32 field in the long storied March Sadness Tournament history. In three out of the four regions all of the top 8 seeds advanced. Only Region T had 2 lower seeds advancing. The selection committee and the voters were definitely vibing in Round 1. Will that continue in the Round of 32? That’s for YOU to decide.
Region V 1 Chris Gasper vs 8 Jerry Thornton A man who enjoys cosplaying as a Marine won’t defeat a man who enjoys cosplaying as a sailor. Gasper will be absolutely cock-a-hoop tonight.
4 Adam Jones vs 5 Chris Curtis WEEI has buried Jonesy at middays so he can play out his contract in obscurity. Meanwhile Chris Curtis, formerly only famous for numerous Human Resource violations, was busy roasting Coach Mayo every Monday morning. Curtis send Jones packing too.
3 Albert Breer vs 6 James Stewart My sources are blowing up my phone, telling me that the Senior Fake Insider will be too much for the Wannabee Fake Insider to overcome.
2 Andrew Callahan vs 7 Bob Ryan Soyjack should send Jurassic Bob floating out to sea on an iceberg
Region N 1 Gabby Starr vs 8 Chad Finn The pretend Red Sox beat reporter could be on yet another vacation and she’d still easily out poll the pretend media critic.
4 Mike Giardi vs 5 Nick “Fitzy” Stevens The Greek fake Irishman upsets the mopey Italian
3 Fred Toucher vs 6 Nick Cattles Cattles tramples the Zoo Keeper and gets revenge for all the underemployed bald deniers in sportz (a very niche group)
2 Michael Felger vs 7 Karen Guregian Historically Felger doesn’t under perform until the Final Four. Karen gets Guregian’d.
If you went to bed early last night you missed a couple of white knucklers. Scott Zolak pulled out a dramatic last second win over Rich Keefe, and Rob Bradford got Guregian’d after a day-long rock fight with Karen. Remember to vote early and often, and to check back in regularly throughout the day to follow the dramatic proceedings.
Region C 8 Mark Dondero vs 9 Jared Carrabis Mr. Dondero is going to get the entire Bellingham Jr. High lunchroom to stuff the ballot box.
Save room for some spice cake!
7 Dan Shaugnessy vs 10 Meg Ottolini This should have been the Battle of the Recovery Ward. Shank is back in the tournament after almost missing last year due to emergency quadruple-bypass surgery. Jeff Howe was exempt in 2024 with a severe case of what physicians now refer to as factitious disorder imposed on self (formerly known as Munchausen syndrome). But then Ottolini had to stick her upsetting feet into the mix and pull off the wild card win over Howe. Jeff may never recover. Meg O thinks she’s hilarious, has momentum and hammer toes – that’s proving to be a winning formula.
Region V 1 Chris Gasper vs 16 Dan Greenberg Kid Gas facilely matriculates to the subsequent echelon.
Pretentious? Moi?
3 Albert Breer vs 14 Chris Smith Bert once again whips it out and gives Smith a golden shower.
7 Bob Ryan vs 10 Jackie MacMullen Jurassic World: The Journalistic Trenches. Watch as Bob “T-Rex” Ryan takes down Jackie “Metriacanthosaurus” MacMullen in a battle that time forgot! The CGI budget for Mr. Ryan’s teeth alone must have broken the bank. Good thing we have been tipped off on how to make money just for charging our phones.
Happier times
Region N 1 Gabby Starr vs 16 Joe Haggerty Pretty tricky of the committee to pit Ms. Starr up against “Pork Chop” Joe right before Shabbat. Expect Gabby to persevere.
5 Nick “Fitzy” Stevens vs 12 Chris Forsberg The Greek carpetbagger bags another victim.
2 Michael Felger vs 15 Phil Perry Felger doesn’t under perform until the Final Four.
Region T 6 Taylor Kyles vs 11 Kendra Middleton The DEI Derby! Were there no Boston bred slightly chubby 6’s that the Sports Hub could have hired? The Jacksonville Jackass will put a banana in Kyles tailpipe and pull off the minor upset.
2 Mike Reiss vs 15 Trenni Casey MAJOR UPSET ALERT! Historically these seedings should be reversed, but Trenni has become somewhat irrelevant, while Reiss has taken a dramatic heel turn in the past year. Hopefully Mrs. Casey gives Myke Crease a personal apology once she’s done beating his ass.
5 Andy Hart vs 12 Tom Carroll UPSET ALERT! Tommy Freezepops will release his inner fat slob (who is destined to resurface at a moment’s notice) and squash mighty mite Dumbo Hart like the little cockroach he is.
3 Jim Murray vs 14 Evan Lazar Lazar made a strong push over the weekend when he incorrectly reported that Myles Garrett had been given permission by the Browns to seek a trade, and then after his followers pointed out he was incorrect, he quickly – without admitting the error – pivoted to a slightly altered stance so he could still appear “right”. A complete weasel move by the Lizard. However Jim Murray is truly a odious human being with no redeeming qualities and will win this match up in a landslide.
6 Brian Scalabrine vs 11 Drew Carter The Mike Gorman Memorial match-up, where you, yes YOU, get to determine who is to blame for the sharp drop in the quality of Celtics broadcasts! We’d tell you how Scal thinks this one is going to turn out, but given Scal’s horrific record at replay review predictions, you’d already know the result. (Pssst, Scal is confident that Drew pulls off the upset.)
Region V
8 Jerry Thornton vs 9 Doug Kyed Last fall Jerry buried two of his brothers. Today he buries Kyed.
6 Jimmy Stewart vs 11 Matt McCarthy McTeethy should be a nervous as cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Although most intelligent cats would rather be in a room full of rocking chairs than in a room with J-Stew.
Region N
4 Mike Giardi vs 13 Michael Holley “It’s Girardi not Girardi, idiot.”
6 Nick Cattles vs 11 Mike Kadlick Kadlick was last year’s Cinderella story, but this year it’s pumpkin head Cattles who gets to dance with Prince Charming.
Region T
1 Marc Bertrand vs 16 Joe Murray Joe Murray seems seriously underrated as a 16 seed, but he has no chance in this battle of the behemoths. Bertrand swallows him whole.
4 Tony Massarotti vs 13 Matt Vautour I’m not really familiar with Vautour’s work but I’m willing to believe it stinks. I’m all too familiar with Mazz’s work and I know it’s terrible.
3 Cerrone Battle Ackerman vs 14 Rob “Hardy” Poole YOU didn’t think Ackerman should even be in this tournament! YOU thought the fact that he lives in podunk North Carolina and is completely out of touch with the Boston sports scene would be grounds for exclusion. Now YOU can’t wait to vote for him.
Good morning local sad sacks! You lost an hour of sleep yesterday, boo hoo. Cheer up buttercup, because there’s no better time to kickoff the 2025 March Sadness tournament than when you’ve got a case of the Mondays.
Region C #10 Jeff Howe vs Meghan Ottolini Jeff Howe somehow avoided another medical exemption, although the committee are currently submitting a FOIA requests to breach Jeff’s HIPPA HIPAA shield. Meghan Ottolini deftly dodged the Audacy ax man a few days, possibly based on her Celtics insider status but most likely due to the fact that she is on an expiring guaranteed contract. Why pay Meg-O to do nothing at home when you can pay her to do nothing at TD Garden?
Prediction: Jeff Howe once again fights off an early exit
Jeff is going to outlive Upton
Region V #11 Matt McCarthy vs Bobby Manning Matt McCarthy has been at 98.5 for almost 12 years now, and I challenge anyone to pick him out of a lineup of the menagerie of freaks they employ as phone screeners. But at least I know where McTeethy works, I honestly had never heard of Bobby Manning before the brackets came out. Whenever I don’t recognize a mediot’s name the first thing that springs to mind is “they must work at CLNS Media”. Nailed it! Apparently he covers the Celtics along with about 3 or 4 other interchangeable millennial hipster doofuses.
Prediction: McCarthy chews up Manning
Region N #9 Brian Barrett vs Jared Weiss It would be harder to find two more irrelevant combatants in any tournament duking it out for a 9 seed. Noted shoepisser Brian Barrett, host of “Off My Radar”, was neutered when the Celtics won #18. He is facing off against the Athletic/New York Times NBA correspondent Jared Weiss. Jared got a new title back in September. He’s not just covering the Celtics anymore, now he’s covering the entire Eastern Conference. If the promotion was meant to help his exposure, it isn’t working. The page views for his February/March articles (in reverse chronological order) are 46, 25, 113, 39, 42 and a whopping 13. The “Old Gray Lady” must be pulling her hair out.
Prediction: Barrett has one or two more hate listeners than Weiss has readers
Region T #7 Pete Abraham vs Kayla Burton Sensitive sentient garden gnome Pete Abraham must have finally blocked everyone on Twitter because now he’s solely sharing his thoughts on BlueSky. Kayla Burton is the new kid on the block over at NBC Sports Boston. She seems fine, so you’re probably wondering how on Earth could Kayla ever defeat the universally disliked (and probably smelly) Pete Abe? Well you must not be aware that if Kayla is victorious, she will square off in a Round 1 steel caged father-daughter death match with her dad, STEVE BURTON. Will it be Patricide/Filicide, or will Pete Abe face the dreaded Burton-Burton double dip? It’s up to YOU to decide.
As we close the books on yet another record setting campaign of profitable professional pigskin prognostications, we here at Football Cat World Headquarters would like to reflect back on all the wonderful things that happened over the course of the season. Who can forget when that crazy thing happened to that guy on that team way back in September? And then that other thing came out of nowhere and caught everybody off guard. People are still talking about how we will never see something like that ever happen again! And don’t get me started on that wild and crazy thing that made headlines for days on end. The airwaves are still sizzling from all the hot takes. So many memorable moments, there a just too many to mention. What an unforgettable season!
And finally, a big shout out to the intern for always keeping the drinking water cool, his lap warm, the snack drawer full and the litter box empty. Imagine doing all that work for no pay and no college credit? We wish you the best of luck in all your future endeavors.
(Intern’s Note: What? )
To play us out, we turn the clock all the way back to 1966 when “The Happenings” were happening… See you in September See you when the summer’s through Bye-bye, so long, farewell Bye-bye, so long
Vaya con dios muchachos!
SUNDAY DINNER TIME Chiefs (-1.5) at Eagles It started at the very first Thanksgiving, when William Brewster’s wife’s green bean casserole gave Hobbamock a severe case of gastroenteritis. And it’s been all downhill since then, from the Manhattan land deal, to small pox, to the Indian Removal Act of 1830, then the Battle of Wounded Knee and the Trail of Tears, all the way to the Indian Gaming Regulatory Act of 1988, and the cultural appropriation by Iron Eyes Cody, Chief Jay Strongbow and that guy in the Village People. For over 400 years, the American Birds have been continuously getting the better of the Indigenous Peoples. The subjugation will continue in New Orleans.
He’s not crying because the Chiefs are going to lose, he’s crying because he found out that he’s an Italian
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
News item: Some new executive orders have just been signed…
“Saturday” will be renamed to “Caturday”.
Catnip will be allowed to flow across the Southern border.
All online betting advisors will be required to publicly display their success rate or something else (*wink wink*).
Amnesty for the accused in the “Shedd Park Incident of July 4 1992”.
Laser pointers will be outlawed.
Designated nap times throughout the day, with comfortable sleeping spots readily available in all public spaces.
All deadbeat squatters will be evicted from the homes of their deceased mother’s former boyfriend. Their cats will be allowed to stay.
Dogs will be banned from most public areas, with designated “dog parks” far away from cat territory.
Anyone using “Y’all” will be banned from all social media platforms, even the Chinese ones.
Humans must be readily available for head scratches and belly rubs whenever a cat desires.
Only Union workers will be allowed on the roads between 4 am and 6 am.
The records from the Loyko investigation must be immediately released.
SUNDAY EARLY DINNER TIME Commanders at Eagles (-6) American Birds haven’t been this surprised by a Commie offensive in January since 1968
On that day our platoon sergeant sacrificed himself so we could all make it home alive. RIP Sgt.Thornton.
SUNDAY EARLY PROWL TIME Bills at Chiefs (-1) As has played out on the great plains for hundreds of years, the Native Americans, once again, take down the Tonawanda Tatanka
The buffalo seemed more stunned by the audacity of the tactic than they are surprised the wolves are actually dudes
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Breaking news from the Football Cat Storm Center, it’s going to be bitter cold at this weekend’s games. How cold you ask? Well, let’s go to a special report from Nimbus, the official cat of the Mount Washington Weather Observatory, for a live report…
NIMBUS: “You want a prediction about the weather? I’ll give you a winter prediction. It’s gonna be cold, it’s gonna be grey, and it’s gonna last you for the rest of your life.”
Yes, Nimbus does like red onions. Why do you ask?
Thanks Nimbus for that in depth forecast. It sounds like you might want to spend some of your future gambling winnings on a Seasonal Affective Disorder light therapy lamp. We hear they do wonders for your mental health.
The official anti-SADs clock/lamp combo thingy of the Boston Herald’s Red Sox part-time beat writer. (If you look closely you can see her reflection “accidentally” caught in the photo of the clock/lamp thingy.)
SATURDAY DINNER TIME Texans at Chiefs (-8.5) Indoor Tex-cats can’t survive in the Chiefs’ winter encampment
It’s not called a WigWarm for nothing folks!
SATURDAY PROWL TIME Commanders at Lions (-9) These indoor cats know where it’s at! The Jungle Kings crunch Commie caps in climate controlled comfort.
Take that you commie rat!
SUNDAY EARLY DINNER TIME Rams at Eagles (-6) Fiery hot Rams blow torch frozen American Birds
When the Linc is overrun with ugly dumb cvnt Rams fans, don’t blame this guy.
SUNDAY EARLY PROWL TIME Ravens at Bills (-1) Scary Black Birds get snowed under by Hairy Cows
They should have flown South for the winter when they had the chance.
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Happy days are here again! The skies above are clear again, Let us sing a song of cheer again, Happy days are here again!
Our brief regional nightmare is over!
Friends, last Sunday was a day of independence for all Patriots fans and their descendants!
If you don’t agree that the high point of the season was watching Thunder eat a big shit sandwich on Monday, then you are just weird! Weird! WEIRD!
But have no fear weirdos, you can still admit the error of your ways and join those of us who were right all along. You have no idea how your life is gonna improve as a result of this. Food tastes better. The air seems fresher. You’ll have more energy and self-confidence than you ever dreamed of! I am as giddy as a drunken man!
We tried to warn you!
SATURDAY DINNER TIME Chargers (-3) at Texans Bolts barbecue Texans
Fun fact
SATURDAY PROWL TIME Steelers at Ravens (-9.5) Scary Black Birds snowplow Steelers
I think he’s still upset, or he’s pooping. He’s probably pooping.
SUNDAY LUNCH TIME Broncos at Bills (-9) Bills bounce back, beat Broncos
SUNDAY DINNER TIME Packers at Eagles (-4.5) Bert Bell’s American Birds send Green Bay packing
Fake hair, real teeth
SUNDAY PROWL TIME Commanders at Buccaneers (-3) Bucs master the Commanders
MONDAY PROWL TIME Vikings at Rams (-1.5) Rams host a Viking funeral (in Glendale, AZ)
Thoughts and prayers to our SoCal readers
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Happy New Year! Welcome to 2025 and the final week of the NFL regular season. Unlike almost every team in the league, Football Cat is going to give a full 100% effort in Week 18. There will be no tanking nor relaxing at this address. Although I do find staring at a fish tank very relaxing.
Tanking sounds like fun!
SATURDAY DINNER TIME Browns at Ravens (-17.5) Scary Black Birds feast on stale Brownies
This better be a brownie
SATURDAY PROWL TIME Bengals (-1.5) at Steelers Stripey Cats get the W but not a spot in the ‘yoffs
SUNDAY LUNCH TIME Panthers at Falcons (-8.5) Black Cats smack down a flaccid Penix
Looks more like a pickle
Commanders (-4.5) at Cowboys Commies win and get in
Bears at Packers (-9) Hibernating Bears get ground up by Meat Men
I am not a bear!
Jaguars at Colts (-4.5) Spotty Cats trampled by Horsies
Bills (-2.5) at Patriots Patriots finish the season the same way it started with an idiotic Gatorade bath for Coach Mayo
He better hope that’s “victory” mayonnaise
Giants at Eagles (-3) G-men do more damage to their draft position
Saints at Buccaneers (-13) Bucs plow through New Orleans
Texans at Titans (-1) Tits hold firm against Texans backups
I meant to type “Got It”. (Avert your eyes!)
SUNDAY DINNER TIME 49ers at Cardinals (-4.5) Pretty Red Birds fly high into the off-season
Chiefs at Broncos (-11) Broncos win by default
Seahawks (-5.5) at Rams Fake Sea Birds romp over resting Rams
Chargers (-5.5) at Raiders Never forget that Kraft didn’t even bother to interview Brother Jim
Oy vey iz mir!
Dolphins (-1.5) at Jets The incoming Undersecretary for Health and Human Services closes out his NFL career with a win
SUNDAY PROWL TIME Vikings at Lions (-3) Jungle Kings nosh on Nordic knee caps
He’d rather be seeing ghosts
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
The 15 