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2025 March Sadness – The Hateable Eight Preview

Posted on March 27, 2025 by naop Leave a comment

Welcome to The Hateable Eight. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. YOU must be vote cautiously.

Region C Final

2 Ted Johnson vs 5 Andy Hart

A freakish mismatch that Mary Shelley would love. Frankenstein’s monster meets CTE-gor. Both are so inconsequential that WEEI isn’t even bothering to put either of their names on “The Afternoon Show”. Dumbo Hart has been polishing up on his polls, but he can’t beat this Johnson.

Region V Final

1 Chris Gasper vs 3 Albert Breer

If you squint really hard this is a classic “Nerd” vs “Jock” showdown. Gasper thinks he’s smart because he owns a thesaurus and Bertie thinks he’s an All-American he-man because he beat an indecent exposure charge at THE Brohio State. Kid Gas knows how to pretend to be smart by using a big words when he writes, but it’s awfully strange how his vocabulary becomes very monosyllabic when not in print. And the dying print media is Gasper’s level. He quickly failed at his attempt of being a sports anchor on WCVB, and NESN recently pulled the plug on his little watched Boston Globe streaming TV venture.

When he’s not living vicariously through intercollegiate athletes at his beloved alma mater Albert Redenbacher Breer is busy battling Piping Plovers on the dunes of Duxbury. He also claims to be an NFL Insider, even though has no sources, he never ventures off his couch and has yet to break a single story. He’s great at confirming things, and telling you what he thinks, but much like his Austrian Großvater he knows nothing… NOTHING!.

All his families Nazi gold won’t be able help Albert buy a spot in the Final Four.

I see nothing, I hear nothing, and I say NOTHING!!!

Region N Final

1 Gabrielle Starr vs 2 Michael Felger

The big question heading into this match up is will either candidate NOT be on vacation today? When she’s not away on an all expenses paid trip, Gabby lays claim to the title of “Red Sox reporter” for the Herald, but everyone knows that the day-to-day beat work really belongs to Mac Cerullo. The “Gabby Starr Reporter” thing is really a vanity project, funded by her father. Which is a step up from her “Girl at the Game” blog which was a just a grift for trips and game tickets funded by her simp followers. I’m actually crying just thinking about it!

Felger somehow continues to be the dominant presence in the Boston Sports Mediot landscape, polluting the airwaves on 98.5 and NBC Sports Boston. He’s working two jobs just to avoid running into Gene Lavanchy at home.

Felger’s paint by numbers contrarian act won’t be enough to eclipse Gab’s shining star.

Out on the town again having the time of my life with a bunch of friends. They’re all just out of frame, laughing too!

Region T Final

3 Cerrone Battel Ackerman vs 4 Tony Massarotti

The last time Mazz came across a couple of guys like Mr. Battel Ackerman he ended up suspended for a week. Ironically, Mazz’s overt racism resulted in Battel getting the chance to sell his soul for a few weekend/holiday slots. Now Battel can cosplay as a Boston mediot, all while living comfortably down in North Carolina thanks to his bread-winning wife. There’s no way “a guy like that” is going to steal the Regional Title from Mazz. Cerrone can’t hear us right?

*The images shown are for illustration purposes only* and may not be an exact representation of the product

Patrick is from Andover del Norte.

2025 March Sadness – Salty Sixteen Preview

Posted on March 24, 2025 by naop Leave a comment

The Salty Sixteen

Region C
1 Mark Daniels vs 5 Andy Hart
Rabbit eared, thin skinned Dumbo Hart loves his daily management dictated polls, but he won’t love this one. Daniels stomps on that little cockroach.

2 Ted Johnson vs 3 Jim Murray
Smooth brained Ted pummels chrome domed Big Jim.

Region V
1 Chris Gasper vs 4 Adam Jones
Kid Gas wins the “Hypogonadism Showdown” over Bonesy.

2 Andrew Callahan vs 3 Albert Breer
Breer sends Soyjak to the showers

Region N
1 Gabrielle Starr vs 5 Nick “Fitzy” Stevens
The Fake Ivy Leaguer eliminates the Fake Bostonian.

2 Michael Felger vs 6 Nick Cattles
Every year Felger gets taken out by one of his acolytes, but shiny headed Nickeless won’t be the one.

Region T
1 Marc Bertrand vs 4 Tony Massarrotti
Felger’s fool pulls off the upset

3 Cerrone Battle Ackerman vs 15 Trenni Casey
Jerod Mayo would have dubbed this the “Imposter Syndrome” showdown, with both of these pretenders claiming to have insight into the hearts and minds of local sports fans, with neither actually having a clue. The Raleigh resident fends off the Farm Bred Wisconsinite.

Patrick is from Andover del Norte.

March Sadness Round of 32 – Day 2 Preview

Posted on March 19, 2025 by naop Leave a comment

The Round of 32 got off to a roaring start yesterday, with Faux Fitzy and Nickeless Cattles pulling off minor upsets, and Adam Jones beating back Chris Curtis’s unwanted advances (Lucy take note).

What does today have in store? Well that’s entirely up to YOU!

Region C
1 Mark Daniels vs 8 Mark Dondero
After getting his ass handed to him by Daniels, expect to see Mr. Dondero pulling his hoodie closed a little tighter while monitoring the halls at Bellingham Memorial Middle School.

4 Scott Zolak vs 5 Andy Hart
Everyone’s dream dad puts lil’ Andy in timeout

3 Jim Murray vs 6 Brian Scalabrine
Scal is annoying but Large Gymnasium is vile.

2 Ted Johnson vs 7 Dan Shaughnessy
Mrs. Johnson’s PTSD is triggering at the thought of the beating Ted is going to unleash on Shank.

Region T
1 Marc Bertrand vs 8 Christian Arcand
There will be no trouble brewing for The Far Side kid in this matchup

4 Tony Mazz vs 5 Dan Lifshatz
Lifshatz’s best bet is Mazz advancing to the Sour Sixteen

3 Cerrone Battel Ackerman vs 11 Kendra Middleton
Hopefully Kendra finds her missing epi pen before her swollen face gets any worse. Raleigh beats Jacksonville

7 Pete Abraham vs 15 Trenni Casey
You people just do not like Trenni. Prove me wrong (you won’t)!

Cinderella takes out the Seventh Seeded Dwarf

Patrick is from Andover del Norte.

2025 March Sadness Round of 32 – Day One Preview

Posted on March 18, 2025 by naop Leave a comment

It was another glorious Evacuation Day yesterday. Hopefully you too are feeling much lighter and refreshed this morning, because it’s time to separate the dingleberries from the actual turds.

This is the strongest Round of 32 field in the long storied March Sadness Tournament history. In three out of the four regions all of the top 8 seeds advanced. Only Region T had 2 lower seeds advancing. The selection committee and the voters were definitely vibing in Round 1. Will that continue in the Round of 32? That’s for YOU to decide.

Region V
1 Chris Gasper vs 8 Jerry Thornton
A man who enjoys cosplaying as a Marine won’t defeat a man who enjoys cosplaying as a sailor. Gasper will be absolutely cock-a-hoop tonight.

4 Adam Jones vs 5 Chris Curtis
WEEI has buried Jonesy at middays so he can play out his contract in obscurity. Meanwhile Chris Curtis, formerly only famous for numerous Human Resource violations, was busy roasting Coach Mayo every Monday morning. Curtis send Jones packing too.

3 Albert Breer vs 6 James Stewart
My sources are blowing up my phone, telling me that the Senior Fake Insider will be too much for the Wannabee Fake Insider to overcome.

2 Andrew Callahan vs 7 Bob Ryan
Soyjack should send Jurassic Bob floating out to sea on an iceberg

Region N
1 Gabby Starr vs 8 Chad Finn
The pretend Red Sox beat reporter could be on yet another vacation and she’d still easily out poll the pretend media critic.

4 Mike Giardi vs 5 Nick “Fitzy” Stevens
The Greek fake Irishman upsets the mopey Italian

3 Fred Toucher vs 6 Nick Cattles
Cattles tramples the Zoo Keeper and gets revenge for all the underemployed bald deniers in sportz (a very niche group)

2 Michael Felger vs 7 Karen Guregian
Historically Felger doesn’t under perform until the Final Four. Karen gets Guregian’d.

Patrick is from Andover del Norte.

March Sadness Round 1 Day 3 Preview

Posted on March 14, 2025 by naop Leave a comment

If you went to bed early last night you missed a couple of white knucklers. Scott Zolak pulled out a dramatic last second win over Rich Keefe, and Rob Bradford got Guregian’d after a day-long rock fight with Karen. Remember to vote early and often, and to check back in regularly throughout the day to follow the dramatic proceedings.

Region C
8 Mark Dondero vs 9 Jared Carrabis
Mr. Dondero is going to get the entire Bellingham Jr. High lunchroom to stuff the ballot box.

7 Dan Shaugnessy vs 10 Meg Ottolini
This should have been the Battle of the Recovery Ward. Shank is back in the tournament after almost missing last year due to emergency quadruple-bypass surgery. Jeff Howe was exempt in 2024 with a severe case of what physicians now refer to as factitious disorder imposed on self (formerly known as Munchausen syndrome). But then Ottolini had to stick her upsetting feet into the mix and pull off the wild card win over Howe. Jeff may never recover. Meg O thinks she’s hilarious, has momentum and hammer toes – that’s proving to be a winning formula.

Region V
1 Chris Gasper vs 16 Dan Greenberg
Kid Gas facilely matriculates to the subsequent echelon.

3 Albert Breer vs 14 Chris Smith
Bert once again whips it out and gives Smith a golden shower.

7 Bob Ryan vs 10 Jackie MacMullen
Jurassic World: The Journalistic Trenches. Watch as Bob “T-Rex” Ryan takes down Jackie “Metriacanthosaurus” MacMullen in a battle that time forgot! The CGI budget for Mr. Ryan’s teeth alone must have broken the bank. Good thing we have been tipped off on how to make money just for charging our phones.

Region N
1 Gabby Starr vs 16 Joe Haggerty
Pretty tricky of the committee to pit Ms. Starr up against “Pork Chop” Joe right before Shabbat. Expect Gabby to persevere.

5 Nick “Fitzy” Stevens vs 12 Chris Forsberg
The Greek carpetbagger bags another victim.

2 Michael Felger vs 15 Phil Perry
Felger doesn’t under perform until the Final Four.

Region T
6 Taylor Kyles vs 11 Kendra Middleton
The DEI Derby! Were there no Boston bred slightly chubby 6’s that the Sports Hub could have hired? The Jacksonville Jackass will put a banana in Kyles tailpipe and pull off the minor upset.

2 Mike Reiss vs 15 Trenni Casey
MAJOR UPSET ALERT! Historically these seedings should be reversed, but Trenni has become somewhat irrelevant, while Reiss has taken a dramatic heel turn in the past year. Hopefully Mrs. Casey gives Myke Crease a personal apology once she’s done beating his ass.

Patrick is from Andover del Norte.

2025 March Sadness Round 1 Day 1 Preview

Posted on March 11, 2025 by naop Leave a comment

Region C

5 Andy Hart vs 12 Tom Carroll
UPSET ALERT! Tommy Freezepops will release his inner fat slob (who is destined to resurface at a moment’s notice) and squash mighty mite Dumbo Hart like the little cockroach he is.

3 Jim Murray vs 14 Evan Lazar
Lazar made a strong push over the weekend when he incorrectly reported that Myles Garrett had been given permission by the Browns to seek a trade, and then after his followers pointed out he was incorrect, he quickly – without admitting the error – pivoted to a slightly altered stance so he could still appear “right”. A complete weasel move by the Lizard. However Jim Murray is truly a odious human being with no redeeming qualities and will win this match up in a landslide.

6 Brian Scalabrine vs 11 Drew Carter
The Mike Gorman Memorial match-up, where you, yes YOU, get to determine who is to blame for the sharp drop in the quality of Celtics broadcasts! We’d tell you how Scal thinks this one is going to turn out, but given Scal’s horrific record at replay review predictions, you’d already know the result. (Pssst, Scal is confident that Drew pulls off the upset.)

Region V

8 Jerry Thornton vs 9 Doug Kyed
Last fall Jerry buried two of his brothers. Today he buries Kyed.

6 Jimmy Stewart vs 11 Matt McCarthy
McTeethy should be a nervous as cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Although most intelligent cats would rather be in a room full of rocking chairs than in a room with J-Stew.

Region N

4 Mike Giardi vs 13 Michael Holley
“It’s Girardi not Girardi, idiot.”

6 Nick Cattles vs 11 Mike Kadlick
Kadlick was last year’s Cinderella story, but this year it’s pumpkin head Cattles who gets to dance with Prince Charming.

Region T

1 Marc Bertrand vs 16 Joe Murray
Joe Murray seems seriously underrated as a 16 seed, but he has no chance in this battle of the behemoths. Bertrand swallows him whole.

4 Tony Massarotti vs 13 Matt Vautour
I’m not really familiar with Vautour’s work but I’m willing to believe it stinks. I’m all too familiar with Mazz’s work and I know it’s terrible.

3 Cerrone Battle Ackerman vs 14 Rob “Hardy” Poole
YOU didn’t think Ackerman should even be in this tournament! YOU thought the fact that he lives in podunk North Carolina and is completely out of touch with the Boston sports scene would be grounds for exclusion. Now YOU can’t wait to vote for him.

Patrick is from Andover del Norte.

2025 March Sadness Wild Card Round Preview

Posted on March 9, 2025 by naop Leave a comment

Good morning local sad sacks! You lost an hour of sleep yesterday, boo hoo. Cheer up buttercup, because there’s no better time to kickoff the 2025 March Sadness tournament than when you’ve got a case of the Mondays.

Region C
#10 Jeff Howe vs Meghan Ottolini
Jeff Howe somehow avoided another medical exemption, although the committee are currently submitting a FOIA requests to breach Jeff’s ~~HIPPA~~ HIPAA shield. Meghan Ottolini deftly dodged the Audacy ax man a few days, possibly based on her Celtics insider status but most likely due to the fact that she is on an expiring guaranteed contract. Why pay Meg-O to do nothing at home when you can pay her to do nothing at TD Garden?

Prediction: Jeff Howe once again fights off an early exit

Region V
#11 Matt McCarthy vs Bobby Manning
Matt McCarthy has been at 98.5 for almost 12 years now, and I challenge anyone to pick him out of a lineup of the menagerie of freaks they employ as phone screeners. But at least I know where McTeethy works, I honestly had never heard of Bobby Manning before the brackets came out. Whenever I don’t recognize a mediot’s name the first thing that springs to mind is “they must work at CLNS Media”. Nailed it! Apparently he covers the Celtics along with about 3 or 4 other interchangeable millennial hipster doofuses.

Prediction: McCarthy chews up Manning

Region N
#9 Brian Barrett vs Jared Weiss
It would be harder to find two more irrelevant combatants in any tournament duking it out for a 9 seed. Noted shoepisser Brian Barrett, host of “Off My Radar”, was neutered when the Celtics won #18. He is facing off against the Athletic/New York Times NBA correspondent Jared Weiss. Jared got a new title back in September. He’s not just covering the Celtics anymore, now he’s covering the entire Eastern Conference. If the promotion was meant to help his exposure, it isn’t working. The page views for his February/March articles (in reverse chronological order) are 46, 25, 113, 39, 42 and a whopping 13. The “Old Gray Lady” must be pulling her hair out.

Prediction: Barrett has one or two more hate listeners than Weiss has readers

Region T
#7 Pete Abraham vs Kayla Burton
Sensitive sentient garden gnome Pete Abraham must have finally blocked everyone on Twitter because now he’s solely sharing his thoughts on BlueSky. Kayla Burton is the new kid on the block over at NBC Sports Boston. She seems fine, so you’re probably wondering how on Earth could Kayla ever defeat the universally disliked (and probably smelly) Pete Abe? Well you must not be aware that if Kayla is victorious, she will square off in a Round 1 steel caged father-daughter death match with her dad, STEVE BURTON. Will it be Patricide/Filicide, or will Pete Abe face the dreaded Burton-Burton double dip? It’s up to YOU to decide.

Prediction: The people get Burton vs Burton

Patrick is from Andover del Norte.

Football Cat’s Pick for Super Bowl LIX

Posted on February 7, 2025 by naop Leave a comment

As we close the books on yet another record setting campaign of profitable professional pigskin prognostications, we here at Football Cat World Headquarters would like to reflect back on all the wonderful things that happened over the course of the season. Who can forget when that crazy thing happened to that guy on that team way back in September? And then that other thing came out of nowhere and caught everybody off guard. People are still talking about how we will never see something like that ever happen again! And don’t get me started on that wild and crazy thing that made headlines for days on end. The airwaves are still sizzling from all the hot takes. So many memorable moments, there a just too many to mention. What an unforgettable season!

And finally, a big shout out to the intern for always keeping the drinking water cool, his lap warm, the snack drawer full and the litter box empty. Imagine doing all that work for no pay and no college credit? We wish you the best of luck in all your future endeavors.

(Intern’s Note: What? )

To play us out, we turn the clock all the way back to 1966 when “The Happenings” were happening…
See you in September
See you when the summer’s through
Bye-bye, so long, farewell
Bye-bye, so long

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Chiefs (-1.5) at Eagles
It started at the very first Thanksgiving, when William Brewster’s wife’s green bean casserole gave Hobbamock a severe case of gastroenteritis. And it’s been all downhill since then, from the Manhattan land deal, to small pox, to the Indian Removal Act of 1830, then the Battle of Wounded Knee and the Trail of Tears, all the way to the Indian Gaming Regulatory Act of 1988, and the cultural appropriation by Iron Eyes Cody, Chief Jay Strongbow and that guy in the Village People. For over 400 years, the American Birds have been continuously getting the better of the Indigenous Peoples. The subjugation will continue in New Orleans.

He’s not crying because the Chiefs are going to lose, he’s crying because he found out that he’s an Italian

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Championship Sunday Picks

Posted on January 24, 2025 by naop Leave a comment

News item: Some new executive orders have just been signed…

“Saturday” will be renamed to “Caturday”.
Catnip will be allowed to flow across the Southern border.
All online betting advisors will be required to publicly display their success rate or something else (*wink wink*).
Amnesty for the accused in the “Shedd Park Incident of July 4 1992”.
Laser pointers will be outlawed.
Designated nap times throughout the day, with comfortable sleeping spots readily available in all public spaces.
All deadbeat squatters will be evicted from the homes of their deceased mother’s former boyfriend. Their cats will be allowed to stay.
Dogs will be banned from most public areas, with designated “dog parks” far away from cat territory.
Anyone using “Y’all” will be banned from all social media platforms, even the Chinese ones.
Humans must be readily available for head scratches and belly rubs whenever a cat desires.
Only Union workers will be allowed on the roads between 4 am and 6 am.
The records from the Loyko investigation must be immediately released.

SUNDAY EARLY DINNER TIME
Commanders at Eagles (-6)
American Birds haven’t been this surprised by a Commie offensive in January since 1968

On that day our platoon sergeant sacrificed himself so we could all make it home alive. RIP Sgt.Thornton.

SUNDAY EARLY PROWL TIME
Bills at Chiefs (-1)
As has played out on the great plains for hundreds of years, the Native Americans, once again, take down the Tonawanda Tatanka

The buffalo seemed more stunned by the audacity of the tactic than they are surprised the wolves are actually dudes

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Divisional Round Picks

Posted on January 17, 2025 by naop Leave a comment

Breaking news from the Football Cat Storm Center, it’s going to be bitter cold at this weekend’s games. How cold you ask? Well, let’s go to a special report from Nimbus, the official cat of the Mount Washington Weather Observatory, for a live report…

NIMBUS: “You want a prediction about the weather? I’ll give you a winter prediction. It’s gonna be cold, it’s gonna be grey, and it’s gonna last you for the rest of your life.”

Yes, Nimbus does like red onions. Why do you ask?

Thanks Nimbus for that in depth forecast. It sounds like you might want to spend some of your future gambling winnings on a Seasonal Affective Disorder light therapy lamp. We hear they do wonders for your mental health.

The official anti-SADs clock/lamp combo thingy of the Boston Herald’s Red Sox part-time beat writer.
(If you look closely you can see her reflection “accidentally” caught in the photo of the clock/lamp thingy.)

SATURDAY DINNER TIME
Texans at Chiefs (-8.5)
Indoor Tex-cats can’t survive in the Chiefs’ winter encampment

It’s not called a WigWarm for nothing folks!

SATURDAY PROWL TIME
Commanders at Lions (-9)
These indoor cats know where it’s at! The Jungle Kings crunch Commie caps in climate controlled comfort.

SUNDAY EARLY DINNER TIME
Rams at Eagles (-6)
Fiery hot Rams blow torch frozen American Birds

When the Linc is overrun with ugly dumb cvnt Rams fans, don’t blame this guy.

SUNDAY EARLY PROWL TIME
Ravens at Bills (-1)
Scary Black Birds get snowed under by Hairy Cows

They should have flown South for the winter when they had the chance.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

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