Tag Archives: the15

TO’s & Threes – NBA Column: Why It Is Hard to Repeat

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By Vinny Jace, Special to the15net dot com:

Surveying the landscape, the ramifications of the second apron now in full effect; the restrictions and penalties are onerous and assist only the greediest and cheapest owners. Until circumstances change it is safe to assume dynasties are impossible. The last five champions are in variations of turmoil.

• The Los Angeles Lakers are shackled to LeBron and his various whims, are deep in the red and have no real avenue to contend in a younger, more talented western conference.
• Milwaukee could have won another title in the years 2019, 2020 and 2022 when the team around Giannis was younger and better. But Fred VanVleet had a baby, swung the east finals series for Toronto. Jimmy Butler emasculated Giannis in The Bubble. Khris Middleton got hurt and was never the same. Now they are capped out, fired a very good regular coach in Mike Budenholzer, are rudderless at the head coach position and only have 3 actual NBA players.
• All Golden State needed to do was hit one just ONE of their lottery picks from 2020 and 2021 they wouldn’t be in this mess. James Wiseman, Jonathan Kuminga and Moses Moody could have easily been LaMelo Ball (I am not faulting them for not trading down for Tyrese Haliburton, nobody else did it), Franz Wagner or Alperen Sengun. Then they probably are able to get Paul George or Lauri Markkanen this summer instead of staring at the abyss of wasting the rest of Steph Curry’s career.
• Denver should have repeated this past year, but as fate would have it blowing a 20-point lead in a home Game 7 was the toll price paid for last season’s success. Famously cheap owner Stan Kroenke let lynchpins Reggie Jackson and Kentavious Cardwell-Pope depart leaves Denver more vulnerable with an underwhelming bench and I’d go as far to say they have fallen a tier in my rankings.
• And then there’s the sweet, beautiful boys in green… Wyc Grousbeck announced his intentions to sell and we’ll wait for the details to come, but if he hands the keys off to someone like Tillman Fertitta then we have to worry about cost cutting measures because someone rich enough to buy a professional basketball team didn’t have deep enough pockets to pay for it’s roster.

The NBA has become the NFL. Strangling dynasties in their cradle, turning the window of contention into a revolving door. In reality the window for title contenders are usually two measly years. The Celtics fortunately held on to nearly everyone from the title team; we’re still waiting to hear about Oshae Brissett and if there are any ring chasers looking for a spot.

Wrong aprons.

The draconian rules of the second apron have set the NBA on the course for potentially becoming Major League Baseball, undermining the bargaining power of the players by instituting harsh penalties for spending too much. If a player feels he isn’t being respected at the negotiating table because the team doesn’t want to enter the second apron, then what if the other teams he goes to share that same fear? This is what we’ll see unfold in the near future.

In this new era it is arguably preferable for a team like the Clippers to let Paul George walk for nothing, because now nothing is something. Nothing is a mid-level exception you can use to sign a free agent. Nothing is some much needed financial wiggle room that takes you out of the deep red and into a light shade of orange. Los Angeles could have traded George to Golden State for a solid, young player like Jonathan Kuminga and veteran backup point guard Chris Paul and chose not to. If this was 10-years ago the Clippers would admit defeat and look to reposition their aging roster in an advantageous position to sell for parts, garnering assets along the way.

Right now the Celtics are paying over $547 million for their championship roster. Having made Jayson Tatum the richest player in league history; surpassing his teammate Jaylen Brown who achieved this honor last summer. Speaking of which, his supermax officially kicks in this upcoming season, Tatum’s will in 2025-26. They’re over $66 million over the cap, $15 million above the first apron and are $5 million above the second.

The penalties for crossing the second apron are both Byzantine and draconian:

No signing exceptions
Team becomes hard-capped at Second Apron by or can’t use/do:
• Using Tax MLE
• Aggregating two or more player salaries in a trade
• Sending out cash in trade
• Acquiring a player using a
TPÈ that was created via a previous sign-and-trade
• Can only:
• Re-sign own free agents
• Sign draft picks
• Sign players to minimum contracts
• Make trades where one player salary is sent out and equal or less salary comes back (can do a 1-for-2 or more trade

One doesn’t have to look to far to surmise the possible reason Wyc Grousbeck is selling his shares because when the bill comes due he wants no part of the aftermath and it’s not like pulling the plug now is an option. The Celtics are well worth their hefty salary and are poised to repeat in the minds of oddsmakers in Las Vegas. To preserve the runway now is to obliterate a proven near term future. Wyc will not do what Clay Bennett did to Oklahoma in 2012 and trade a star player just to duck the luxury tax.

However, when the Celtics do find themselves too far in the red it is safe to assume the ramifications will be ugly. This means potentially breaking up the Jays, either in a gut-wrenching trade where the Celtics pursue assets and cap relief rather than a “win-now” player, or a divorce similar to what Klay Thompson and the Warriors just went through. One side chasing another monumental pay day, and a withering dynasty consumed with apathy for one of its signature players.

But that’s all future Celtics problems. The hope I have is Wyc cares enough about the Celtics to not sell his shares in the immediate term and instead do it when the bill is coming due. It would be more profitable to sell now, give the team over to some cheap billionaire who’ll cry poor and in a year breaks the team down to spare parts. But maybe Wyc hangs on and lets Brad Stevens write the checks even if it decreases the value of the sale?

The pressure is on the Celtics, like it was this past season, to get the job done (again) and try to accomplish what would be the most impressive back-to-back championship in league history. There are plenty of reasons to assume it won’t happen, and a lot of them happen to be out of the Celtics control. This was the second straight playoffs where the championship team didn’t play a fifty-win team en route to the finals. Everything for the Celtics broke their way, and just like the 2015 Golden State Warriors made the most of their opportunities, you can expect the following playoffs to be more strenuous.

Of the last 9 teams to go back-to-back only one of them repeated with the same ease like they won in the first go-around.

1986-87 Lakers: 15-3

1987-88 Lakers: 15-9 (3 Game 7s!)

1988-89 Pistons: 15-2

1989-90 Pistons: 15-5

1990-91 Bulls: 15-2

1991-92 Bulls: 15-7

1993-1994 Rockets: 15-8

1994-1995 Rockets: 15-7

1995-96 Bulls: 15-3

1996-97 Bulls: 15-4

1999-00 Lakers: 15-8

2000-01 Lakers: 15-1

2008-09 Lakers: 16-7

2009-2010 Lakers: 16-7

2011-12 Heat: 16-7

2012-13 Heat: 16-7

2016-17 Warriors: 16-1

2017-18 Warriors: 16-5

⁃ 4 repeat champions where the difficulty on the back-half was comparable to the first part.
⁃ 1 repeat champion had an easier road to than the first time.
⁃ 4 repeat champions where the journey was harder on the back half.

We haven’t seen a repeat champion since Golden State. Every champion since fell into a decline two-years removed from their moment of triumph. Toronto nearly made the East Finals in 2020, then twiddled their thumbs as players like Kyle Lowry, Fred VanVleet and Pascal Siakam depreciated in value; Lowry and VanVleet leaving in free agency for nothing. The complacency bug bit their general manager Masai Ujiri.

LeBron’s Lakers won off the backs of two-way role players, and evidently he found that too boring and ordered the front office to go dumpster diving for the highest scoring free agent they could find. Trading Danny Green for Dennis Schroder when they already had Kentavious Cardwell-Pope as the creator on the second unit. Low-balling Alex Caruso. Trading KCP and Kyle Kuzma for Russell Westbrook. Then trading Westbrook for D’Angelo Russell, only to inexplicably hold on to him at the deadline when they could have netted an asset. The charade reached new highs when LeBron magnanimously offered to take a pay cut if Rob Pelinka could coax a star to join him in Los Angeles. Of course, they wasn’t possible given the short span of time. Los Angeles’ decline was self imposed.

But what of the newer generation of players who now made their way to the championship? Why hasn’t Giannis or Jokic returned to the winners circle? The answer could be winning the title doesn’t possess the same advantages it once did. You don’t get the LeBron 2013 season where he is freed from the shackles of scrutiny and the league officially becomes his. Instead, you’re expected to do it again with a bigger target painted on your back. The media becomes more vicious and wears them down. The Nuggets enjoyed a quiet rise to the top in 2023, later burdened by expectations and being treated as inevitable possesses an underrated threat to defending champions it did not before. Inevitability used to galvanize the favored team and demoralize the challenger, now the roles are reversed.

It is very possible we’ll see more additions to the “One and Done Club” due to the circumstances of the modern NBA.

The superstars in the One and Done Club list is:

• Dirk Nowitzki
• Julius Erving
• Moses Malone
• Rick Barry
• Elvin Hayes
• Wes Unseld
• Jerry West
• Nikola Jokic
• Giannis Antetkoumpo
• Jayson Tatum

Besides Dirk, before the beginning of the 2020s it was rare to win just one championship between the years 1988 and 2002. It used to be when you win the title once you’re going to do it again. Most of the One and Done champions came from the turbulent 1970s when team building was volatile due to strenuous contract negotiations, rampant egos and unpredictability. Only the Knicks and Celtics were allowed to peacefully decline. The Warriors fell because Rick Barry‘s petulance. The Blazers fell because of Walton’s poor feet and poor treatment of Maurice Lucas. The SuperSonics fell off because Dennis Johnson alienated the team during his contractual standoff. It would happen so suddenly too. The Warriors should have repeated in ‘76. The Blazers in ‘78.

Now the team that “should have” repeated loses in a more graceful, dignified manner. The short-handed Bucks fought the Celtics valiantly in ‘22. The Nuggets simply ran into a bad matchup in round two this year. Had nothing to do with egos or fisticuffs. Merely the grind becoming too much and the bottom giving out.

But this team “feels” different. The circumstances feel more favorable to Boston than in the past. The last eastern conference team to win the title was Milwaukee, the only reason they lost was because Middleton was injured. Many people picked them to repeat because the conference was viewed as easy pickings compared to the stronger west. Had they remained healthy they at least make it back to the finals and then it’s up to you whether they’d beat Golden State.

Fast forward to today, the east is still viewed as the “Leastern Conference”, the contenders don’t particularly stand out. Philadelphia signing Paul George will help ease the burden on Joel Embiid. But the issue for Philly is Embiid is never healthy when he is needed the most. They lost Nic Batum and Buddy Heild, and don’t possess a quality starting center or a deep bench. If your fourth best player isn’t at the level of Derrick White you’re going nowhere.

New York reunited the Villanova Wildcats by paying a premium for Mikal Bridges to complete their set. Their core of Jalen Brunson (28), Josh Hart (turning 30 next March), Donte Divencenzo (27), and the aforementioned Bridges (28) are poised to give the Knicks at least two more cracks at the title before the dearth of assets and financial flexibility hammer them. But it’s the hefty price of 5-first round picks they paid for Bridges that bothers me. They should have played hard ball with Brooklyn; there’s no way the Knicks didn’t know Bridges already wanted to go to them. Plus, they’re going to need those picks for potential future deals. Losing Isaiah Hartenstein to Oklahoma City leaves only the talented, but often injured Mitchell Robinson as their quality starting level center. Which isn’t ideal. I would have waited for Donovan Mitchell to become available because easing the scoring load for Brunson was more of a pressing concern to me than trading for Bridges when I am already paying a lot of money for O.G Anonuby.

The Knicks have time to fix their problems, though they don’t have many tools left in their arsenal. Tom Thibodeau is a great head coach, but tends to grind his players knees into dust which is how you get the pitiful Game 7 exit they ended last season with. They may have won the off-season, but can they win the post season?

So who are the real challengers for the champion Celtics? Milwaukee deserves a mention for having Giannis on their team. Beyond that they don’t have much to intimidate them with. If Brook Lopez is traded that leaves a hole at the center position, and it is quite frankly a bad idea to cast blame for the team falling from 4th in defensive rating in ‘22-23 to 19th in ‘23-24 on him and not Middleton’s continued decline and Damian Lillard being a turnstile. The front office is blaming the wrong player for their woes.

The real contenders are Miami, because they’ve beaten Boston before and more recently than Milwaukee. Much is ballyhooed about the rift between Jimmy Butler and Pat Riley, but they were never going to trade Butler. He is on an expiring contract, coming off an injury riddled campaign and Miami wouldn’t get much for him if they bit the bullet anyway. Unless Miami experiences another three-point shooting variance in the playoffs (can’t count out lightning striking twice) then this is the last stand for Heat Culture. Regardless, there is a chance the young guns Jaimie Jacquez and Nikola Jovic contribute and provide the aging Heat roster with a needed shot in the arm. Anything is possible with Erik Spolstra.

And lastly, the Indiana Pacers. Yeah, the team Boston swept. The only team that didn’t win a game versus the Celtics in the playoffs. Yeah, those guys I am saying could be the ones to do the job if the cookie crumbles in a certain manner. Indiana’s offensive rating in the East Finals was an astonishing 116. They play fast, efficient and are very smart. Rick Carlisle coached up Andrew Nembhard and everyone not named Myles Turner played really well offensively in that series. Defensively is a different story. But if they get a healthy Tyrese Haliburton in the playoffs and Bennedict Mathurin it’ll better compliment an already deep Pacers squad.

My only advice for the Celtics is try your damndest to avoid an unfavorable matchup in the second round. The second round is where the playoffs are the most volatile. It’s also where four of the last five defending champions fell.

Vinny Jace appears on the Entitled Weekend podcast. He does not come from the future.

6/26/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Coach Joe. A sicko, but our sicko.

If I were Michael Hurley, I would simply not be terrible and unfunny.

Giddey. Caruso. The rare impactful honky-for-honky trade.

It’s bad enough when these NFL draft morons ‘grind tape!’ We’re supposed to believe that some whore from Florida with saggy silver dollar flapjacks is watching junior hockey?

if there isn’t already a Boston championships parade shirt with “we’ll duck you up”/“time to get ducked up”/“let’s ducking go” and a duck boats illustration……… we need it

Has anyone been bitten by a shark while hoisting the Stanley Cup?

Lukaku is Congolese for the ‘cattle are dying.’

Cakes are cooking for Rober Davi, Tara VanDerveer, Mick Jones, Chris Issak, Patty Smyth, Greg LeMond, Harriet Wheeler, Pamela Wright, Kirk McLean, Shannon Sharpe, Nick Offerman, Paul Thomas Anderson, Gretchen Wilson, Derek Jeter, Chad Pennington, Michael Vick, Casey Desmond, Jennette McCurdy, and Ariana Grande.

Just once in my life, I want to witness twin tornadoes so I can exclaim to no one in particular, “Ok…we got sisters!”

I’m gonna use a saying my dad told me years ago in relations to Gisele ..if you’re gonna build your house on the golf course..then you can’t complain when the golf balls start coming thru the window

The Knicks paid out way more for Brooklyn’s Bridges than the Dutch originally did for the island of Manhattan!

What good is the “eye test” when you don’t know what you’re looking at?

Red Line Reminder: Beginning at 8:30 PM on Friday, June 28, and through the weekend of June 29-30 Alewife Trains bypass Kendall/MIT Station due to construction. Riders can transfer, for free, at Central or Charles/MGH.

The Negro League kept better records than Sal.

Hey gang that definitely has no cultist tendencies, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I’m not in a cult retard.”

So every “Heat Culture” loser currently peacocking over a Fort Lauderdale hockey team’s heimlich maneuver Game 7 win were discounting the Celtics three-loss playoff performance last week, yes?

We are not perfect ..remember that ..

The worst thing about Italians is they don’t realize they should be ashamed of being Italian.

July is almost here which means it’s time for another round of my Zoom workshop for aspiring sportswriters. Been incredible seeing many who have taken it in press boxes all over this year. Come learn what it takes to break in. Email bychriscotillo@gmail.com for info/pricing.

People who like Keefe are the same people who go into a taproom with a selection of 100 beers and order a Miller Lite.

Do you think Aidan Kearney would drink Karen Read’s toilet water? I do.

Last chance to be 1 of 5 picked to win $10000 cash if you throw a FB through a car window from 12-2 tomorrow at Albrecht Chrysler Jeep Dodge Ram in Westboro. Sign up at dealership.

Photograph your living room and post it in the comments.

The only thing Todd McShay should be providing any opinions on is appearing on ESPN drunk out of his mind.

People I know, places I go, make me feel tongue-tied.
And I can see how, people look down,
They’re on the inside.

Here’s where the story ends.

People I see, weary of me showing my good side.
And I can see how people look down,
I’m on the outside.

Here’s where the story ends.
Oh, here’s where the story ends.

It’s that little souvenir, of a terrible year, which makes my eyes feel sore.
Oh, I never should have said, the books that you read were all I loved you for.
It’s that little souvenir, of a terrible year, which makes me wonder why.
And it’s the memories of your shed, that make me turn red.
Surprise, surprise, surprise.

One thing I will never do is debate Boston sports on Twitter with a fan who roots for teams in four different states. Not to be a snob but we are not the same.

My estimate is that had face masks not been invented, major league baseball would now result in the deaths of an estimated 4.6 umpires per month.

Honk if you remember Earl Wilson’s no-hitter against the Angels on this day.

I’ve been a Taylor Swift fan for a long time and I’m so happy her and Travis Kelce are together. Travis is the first guy that truly feels madly in love with her and she deserves that. If they end up getting married, I’ll be very happy about that too.

All real Bruins fans use “Y’all” liberally on social media.

When there is more than just cheese it ceases to be a grilled cheese sandwich.

People regarded Jordan & Pippen as a Batman & Robin situation as opposed to a Superman & Batman partnership and that affected how every other basketball duo was viewed in the past 35 years… Jayson Tatum & Jaylen Brown are more like Iron Man & War Machine or Cable & Deadpool.

Dan Le Betard’s expanded universe of Hispanics must be stopped.

That fat Mets fan Frank is going to be a pallbearer at RA’s funeral, sponsored by DraftKings & Dude Wipes.

Scottie Scheffler has the slow beating heart of a criminal.

Grapefruit League Babe Ruth Bobby Dalbec with two home runs for the Woo Sox last night?

What’s Alan Jackson’s favorite client to fuck? The next one.

Happy trails to you, Linus Ullmark. I bet the Bussin’ Bussi likes hugs, too though. And fire engines.

The kids who say “Play ball” before an MLB game hold so much power. What happens if they refuse to say it? Do we just not play?

Julio Foolio was just turning his life around.

Chris Cotillo’s Zoom workshops have bigger audiences than some of these Stanley Cup appearances in south Florida.

Best bet for the weekend: The Swiss over Italy in the Euro.

Not Pictured: Perk.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I will be taking next week off. Something will run in this place. Enjoy the 4th.

BdlG, as good as the Larry O’Brien Trophy? Or maybe slightly better?
That’s not how it works. That’s not how any of this works.

6/19/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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They wanted Boston. They got Boston.

Winning is great. Winning that makes everyone else hysterically sad is even better.

No one dotted Dugie? Sad!

Jaylen Brown Finals MVP. He did spend some of that Supermax contract money attending a Sick Handlez Camp!

Willie Mays. You Say Hey, we all say goodbye. OOTG’s.

I’m in tears knowing Bill Russell’s widow was in Dallas for Game 4, and in Boston for Game 5.

Meanwhile, if wasn’t already, Bryson DeChambeau sure seems to have become this weekend what golf is continually seeking: A needle mover.

Dave Brown peacocking from his long dormant & locked Twitter account is peak Dave Brown.

Cakes are cooking for Salman Rushdie, Ann Wilson, Duane Kuiper, Larry Dunn, Kathleen Turner, Paula Abdul, Simon Wright, Mia Sara, Poppy Montgomery, Robin Tunney, Doug Mientkiewicz, Dirk Nowitzki, Garfield the Cat, Zoe Saldana, Jason White, and Macklemore.

Not only was that an all-time US Open, but my daughters wanted to learn more about the game, and I got to talk through the back nine with my dad at the house like we used to do after my tournaments and biggest rounds. Happy Father’s Day, everyone. It was a memorable one over here.

Having proper Sunday night HBO programming back is the best. It dominates social media the next day. We are so back.

Tons of people were helped by Jerry West admitting to being a maniac. Many cases of lives saved. “The Logo” taught me that it’s ok to not be ok.

Orange Line Reminder: Service changes for bridge and track work June 22-23: Shuttle buses replace service between Oak Grove & North Station June 24-30: Shuttle buses replace service between Wellington & North Station. Commuter Rail is fare free between Oak Grove & North Station.

Hopefully the next time all these Patriots greats are together is at RKK’s funeral.

Ime Udoka passed this up for pussy.

I don’t know how long ago Dennis Drinkwater’s seat moved to the aisle but how does he get into it? Does he hop over the back? Need to know.

Will Buck be wearing his Donnie Beardlsey skinsuit on one of the duckboats Friday?

Edmonton has now won twice, a win for each boob flashed by that nice lady.

Suggestion for Friday’s Celtics parade: Reserve one Duck-Boat for Wyc Grousbeck and his band, and play a Dead set to bring Bill Walton into the event. “Ripple” for respect.

Al Horford, aka the Dominican Don Nelson.

Don’t know about you guys, but it’s really scary to think that any one of us could be locked up if we drunkenly backed over a Boston cop. If they can do it to her, they can do it to YOU.

Hey gang of morons, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I’m still peeling confetti off me.”

Not great for the Woman In Sports™ brand that a hard 4 who grifts online retards considers herself part of the group.

Uh oh. Cotillo’s back on the soft serve.

Out of Jayson Tatum’s 40 highest priced purchased cards, only 3 were bought this year.

Trying to imagine what Bill’s reaction would have been if Brian, Stephen, or Amanda hade ever brought home a Cheerleader/Entrepeneur/Philosopher to meet dad.

This has been the longest day I wish I had more energy for the Celtics tweets 😦 I’ll be obnoxious all month if they win don’t worry.

‘Riding the side boards’ sounds like a 1940’s euphemism for gay sex.

I just wish Fergie would do every NBA Finals anthem.

The flow of porn spam from the usual suspects on Twitter has disappeared from my feed, and I have mixed feelings now that nobody seems to be trying to scam me. It’s like “wait, am I not worth the effort to try to steal from anymore?”

Abby didn’t need any gay champagne goggles.

Huh. I wonder why Bill forgot to mention the backstabbing rat of an in-over-his-head linebackers coach.

This human Subaru just femsplained to literal DNA forensic scientists the science of forensic DNA detectability.

Bill Clinton don’t become Willie Mays.

Sometimes I just shut up and let my past work talk. I earned these two days off and I’m going to enjoy every, single, minute of it.

PFF geting Betamaxed out of existence wouldn’t be terrible.

My favorite thing about watching women’s basketball is that they actually post up and use low post moves. It’s a lost art in the men’s game.

When the Starks & Baratheons get these blonde freaks up outta here >>>>>

Have the Revs turned a corner?

In the Boston Celtics 17 NBA Championships it has taken them an average of 6.12 games to win in the NBA Finals.

‘Claudia Bellofatto’ is a made-up name.

I can look out from the roof of this building I’m on and see five other buildings that I built. Three of which I saw from steel beam to final clean. I built half this block.

Today would be a great day for the race war to kickoff. Just like the Tet Offensive.

Gonna see the river man.
Gonna tell him all I can
About the plan
For lilac time.

If he tells me all he knows
‘Bout the way his river flows.
And all night shows
In summertime.

Fun Fact: women were disallowed from serving on juries in Massachusetts until 1950.

Somewhere in this town, there are crab legs & I’m gonna go eat more of them than the Rangers had hits Sunday.

Probably a relief to Jerry West that he didn’t have to see another Celtics championship.

Would you rather have one 12-foot statue of Tom Brady or twelve 1-foot statues of Tom Brady?

Narrator: The Mavericks as it turns out did not figure out the Celtics’ scheme.

There are too many withdrawals, no deposit , You can’t grow like that !!!

Wonder if Bill saved Linda’s fake cans for the new girl.

I’ve never figured out how they keep the baseball IN the hat when the hat jumps in the air during that dancing-hat thing where they want you to guess which hat has the ball.

With the Finals being over, how will people now learn that there is a new Bad Boys movie in theaters?

Honk if you remember Brett Hull’s Stanley Cup winning ‘no goal.’

That wasn’t a travel on Prichard’s beyond halfcourt halftime buzzer-beating three, it was a Eurostep.

Linda Cohn is still on TV? Well good for her!

I’m still trying to see ‘likes’ on Twitter like Homer Simpson forgetting to dial the new area code.

It’s really not like Anna Horford to use her brother’s fame to curry favor.

Imagine if Danny and Brad took advice from the radio talking men and the ink-stained wretches. lol

Belichick can probably still kill spiders and open tight jar lids at his age.

Also, I want the repaired Christopher Columbus statue the city is too scared to put back up riding on one of the duckboats.

If The Sports Hub had a Kevin, I think I’d know about it.

Best bet for the weekend: Ocean State Job Lot starts selling the ‘NBA Players Association’ championship merch.

Tom. Patriots Hall of Famer.
Eeep.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Dan Kelley, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. 

And Happy Birthday to Czech supermodel Veronika Vařeková. Všechno nejlepší k narozeninám!

6/12/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Big Day here.
Big Day there.

Lou thinks the first pitch home run was a bad way to start the homestand.

What if the Red Sox Twitter account changed their pfp for Pride Month to a zesty pic of Freddy Lynn, would that be okay?

When I was an opinion on an athlete’s ability to be athletic, I go straight to the two guys who can’t ride on an elevator together.

Dave O’Brien talking to Whitlock and his bionic arm and giving him “congratulations” on his birthday. Aspy!

Retinaculum? Damn near killed him!

If by ‘thriving’ you mean pulling in less revenue than the NBA G League last season, your players constantly bitching about low pay, bad accommodations, and having to play in Russia in the offseason to make ends meet, then yes, the WNBA was absolutely thriving before Caitlin Clark arrived.

Half of the crew in one of America’s most enduring movies were from Boston. Ray Bolger (Scarecrow) was a Dot guy. And Jack Haley (Tin Man) was born in Boston and grew up in Newton.

Trolls profit when you pay them with your attention.

Cakes are cooking for Marv Albert, Bun E. Carlos, Terry Alderman, Timothy Busfield, Jenilee Harrison, Mark Calcavecchia, Rod Latham, Derek Higgins, Paula Marshall, Gwen Torrence, Ryan Klesko, Hideki Matsui, DJ Qualls, and Jrue Holiday.

“We head back to Dallas,” they keep saying. That’s weird, as the series hasn’t been there yet.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

The NBA Finals will go at least 4 games and at most 7 games. Only 2 games have been played. That means there is at least 50% of the Finals yet to be played and up to 71.4% remaining. So, nobody should be concerned with who the 2024 NBA Finals Most Valuable Player yet.

RIP Chet Walker. You ain’t been up-faked until you’ve been up-faked by Chet “The Jet” Walker.

And then there’s Jerry West. He will be looking up and smiling at the Lakers all next season.

Seeing as CapFriendly’s days appear to be numbered (at least as a free site), I’d expect @PuckPedia to do what CF did after CapGeek’s pioneering run ended and fill the void. Can be the digital version of Williams to Yaz to Rice.

It’s been so long since the #Celtics clinched the ECF that I think Tatum retired and Deuce is starting at the 4.

Shukri’s life demonstrates the power of taking calculated risks.

I love the idea of “Yacht Rock.” But every time I turn it on, it’s more like “Every Song From 40 Years Ago That You Couldn’t Change Fast Enough Back Then.”

Looser orifice? Jerod Mayo’s mouth or Karen Read’s ‘balloon knot?’

I had some cilantro rice last night and enjoyed it. What a cocksucker I turned out to be.

Are we supposed to know what a Funko Pop is?

Tough for the USMNT to get the talent it needs with all the kids playing cricket nowadays.

Hey gang of pillheads, this Week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Leave her alone, NYP.”

Aaron Rodgers is skipping all of Jets mandatory minicamp this week because he prefers to be somewhere else away from football. That’s his choice.

Dart Adams didn’t get a New England Emmy Award for the Bell Biv DeVoe at Fenway Park Special?

To the good, the WCVB Eye Opener Team won a local Emmy, but then so did The Phantom Gourmet and Charlie Moore the Mad Fisherman.

This team of chokers has a Celtics franchise record for most consecutive playoff wins.

Creep don’t sleep.

Is all of Rhode Island under construction? Disgusting.

Wherever you go, I’ll be with you.
Whatever you want, I’ll give it to you.
Whenever you need someone,
To lay your heart and head upon.

Remember, after the fire, after all the rain,
I will be the flame;
I will be the flame.

Who knew that Turtleboy fans were so sensitive about salty language? The MSP, they’re cops, not fops.

So many young ladies with numerical surnames.

Honk if you remember Chick Corea.

A good college basketball coach at a big school can stay there 25, 30, 40 years. I don’t know that that happens too often in the NBA.

Make a series of it, willya Edmonton?

We get it, Coach Mayo, the bad man is gone, so let’s do some performative charity work. Hey, the team has all summer to learn those fourteen word play calls, right?

Deuce Tatum is like Benjamin Button, but instead of aging in reverse, he just keeps getting whiter.

Nice stupid tits, Ashley; those will age well.

Sorry to hear Jonathan had another box factory emergency to attend to and missed the festivities later today.

I enjoy all length of socks.

if I was a horse I’d be down on my fetlocks praying Mut doesn’t bet on me.

Winning on the opponent’s floor wouldn’t be bad, Celtics.

Best bet for the weekend: a confusing Father’s Day at Clint Eastwood’s.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Dan Kelley, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Let’s gooooo!!!

And Happy Birthday to Brazilian supermodel Adriana Lima, who would probably never marry and then divorce a famous athlete. Wait, what?

6/5/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Go fill in the blank spaces, Celtics.

The way I keep it straight is, it’s the ‘Stanley Cup Final’, because final and NHL both end in L, and it’s the ‘NBA Finals’ because basketball and association both contain at least one letter S.

The Red Sox should consider installing a dugout escalator.

The Cooper Flagg race war is going to make this Caitlin shit look positively warm and fuzzy.

Mayo answering a coaching philosophy question is like Trump answering a question about his favorite Bible verse.

What the hell is Dave O’Brien talking about? The only thing preventing Sox fans from really diving in to support them is a 10-game winning streak, a no hitter, or a player hitting 14 HRs in a month. Oh, is that all?

It’s Men’s Mental Health Month, too.

Volunteered to help my wife teach her kindergarten class last Friday. My doctor says I should recover in 4 to 6 weeks!!

There’s nothing white women in their 20s love more than saying they’re bisexual.

As much as a pain in the ass as social media is at times, I’m so thankful I get to keep in touch with my childhood friends. Watching people you have loved at different points in life grow up is so freakin’ cool.

When is the joint Rangers/Knicks “We would have won if…” parade?

Cakes are cooking for Robert Kraft, Colm Wilkinson, John Carlos, Freddie Stone, Laurie Anderson, Ellen Foley, Kathleen Kennedy, Michael “Nicko” McBrain, Kenny G, Richard Butler, Jeff Garlin, Ron Livingston, Izabella Scorupco, Mark Wahlberg, Chuck Klosterman, Lamon Brewster, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Jason White, Pete Wentz, and Marques Colston.

Every sports radio caller is a proud graduate of Red Auerbach Coaching Academy.

I loved G & R’s ‘Chinese Dentistry’ album.

Fun Fact: Edmonton sits at 53.5461 degrees North. Sunrise, FLA sits at 26.1670 degrees North. The 2024 Stanley Cup Final competitors have the largest difference in latitude of any championship series in the history of North American professional sports.

A great birthday gift for Al Horford? A championship ring with the #DifferentHere

Green Line D Branch and Green Line E Branch: Delays of about 10 minutes due to a wire car performing preventative maintenance on the overhead catenary.

That make-out session with another girl after two and a half hard seltzers in college doesn’t make you bi, toots.

If Nickelback has no fans, I am deceased.

Tucupita Marcano sounds like a Jason Bourne alias to get through security at the airport, or maybe a dessert at Table.

Bill the GM doesn’t get any credit for getting rid of Loose Change Chase Winovich?

Being a kid with rich parents doesn’t seem to be as great as it sounds.

Oh wow the morbidly obese autist is a pedophile?

A mix pack that is 4 different kinds of India Pale Ales is not a mix pack, beer brewing people.

Did Rex Chapman just invent Birthdays?

If anyone needs me tonight, I’ll be dragging a naked and screaming Bob Cousy down Tremont Street while I demand that horrified onlookers “give him his flowers” before he dies.

Hey gang of folks with discerning palates, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I bet you eat hot dogs for dinner regularly.”

Everyone forgets the 3OT game against the Suns.

We completed the construction of the first Air Rights project since the 1970’s back in January. We built six stories of a 17-story building over the 93 on-ramp. This would be the second. Nice try though.

Why do geese have 9,000 babies? Do they listen to Marvin Gaye or what??

Rough Game 5, Timberwolves. I hadn’t seen a beating like that in Minnesota since George Floyd.

Perk looks and talks like he’s the Moon in a children’s storybook.

Vaya con Dios, Vanessa Welch and Kate Merrill. Good luck in your future endeavors.

Knock down the old grey wall.
Be a part of it all.
Nothing to say, nothing to see, nothing to do.

If you would give me all
As I would give it to you.
Nothing would be, nothing would be, nothing would be.

No matter where you go.
There will always be a place
Can’t you see it in my face, girl?
Ooh, girl, want you.

If I looked like a black Jocelyn Wildenstein, I would probably be angry all the time too.

Honk if you remember Hip Zepi USA.

A first baseman CAN make a quite significant contribution to the defensive success of his team. However, only a few first basemen do. Any rare skill presents a challenge to analysts.

Don’t believe Porzingis when he says he’s100%, Green teamers.

Steelers stalwart Larry Allen dead at 52, very sad. Huh? He played for Dallas? Well, I saw the age and just, well, you know…

Maybe the baseball players shouldn’t bet on baseball games?

Confusing I-93 and the Mass Pike is the kind of Generalship that leads to fighting the Battle of Bunker Hill in the wrong location.

Additional Fun Fact: Edmonton has a larger population than Chelmsford, Andover, and Lewiston combined.

The Celtics winning made the termites in Doris’s dentures cry.

Where is the Isobel Cup?

Maybe it’s not a great idea to take life lessons from a rapist. Just sayin’.

That nice Ginger Zee lady would have told Ike 80 years ago the weather across the English Channel was clearing.

Best bet for the weekend: a different horse wins the Belmont Stakes.

Is it sexist to say that outfit looks terrible when I could see Jayson Tatum wearing the exact same thing, pocketbook included?

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Lookin’ at the devil, grinnin’ at his gun, Fingers start shakin’, I begin to run. Bullets start chasin’, I begin to stop, We begin to wrestle, I was on the top.

And a fair dinkum of a happy birthday to gold medal-winning Australian swimmer Emily Seebohm.

5/30/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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ECF MVP. OK. FCHWPO.

Did they fire Mazzulla yet? They’ve got a week to find a real coach.

Solid effort PWHL Boston. Get ’em next go around.

Is Zach Cox still trespassing at Gillette?

Bill Walton. Aw, man. Sad news. Second member of 1986 Cs to pass away.

Sox in worse shape in Baltimore than the Francis Scott Key Bridge is.

Nick Cattles should strive to be one-tenth as entertaining as that ChatGPT feature about him was.

Why is everyone ignoring Ant’s ability to force a Game Seven?

“You flail at 100% of the takes you don’t verbalize.” – Mark Dondero. Probably.

Cakes are cooking for Barry Clifford, P.J. Carlesimo, Stephen Tobolowsky, Colm Meaney, Jake “The Snake” Roberts, Ted McGinley, Kevin Eastman, Wynonna Judd, Billy Donovan Jr., Adele Dazeem, Manny Ramirez, Je’Rod Cherry, Marissa Mayer, Jordan Palmer, and Sam Baker.

Josef Newgarden proved once again he’s Penske material at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway.

They actually said that Angel Hernadez is retiring ‘to spend more time with his family?’ lol.

Hey Cattles, Jess Moran could probably use some help on her food truck. Still a Y especially if she brings a lobster roll for later. I’d reweave the netting on her lobster traps, heh heh. I may be doing this wrong.

Cedric Maxwell had to present the Larry Bird trophy? Oof.

If Emilee Dennis let Rotillo hit it we wouldn’t have the RSLO clothing line.

I would’ve liked to smoke some gay weed with Bill Walton.

Boston goalie Aerin Frankel with 41 saves. Crowd chants, “Frankel, Frankel, Frankel” at the game’s end.

Scottie Scheffler chose the high road.

Orange Line Reminder: Through June 6 No Train service between Wellington & Back Bay for bridge and track work. Use Buses between Wellington & North Station. Use Green Line between North Station & Copley. Use Commuter Rail Haverhill Line at North Station, Malden Center & Oak Grove.

BC Women’s lax are your NCAA champions.

The Cape Cod Times is looking for a HS sports reporter. This has the potential to be a great gig for an early 20-something looking to break in.

Alex Karaban is returning to UConn.

Fans of a .500 team overreact to every win and loss. A good team, you know you can’t win them all; a 100-loss team, you get used to it. A .500 team, emotionally you’re as good as the last 24 hours.

I forgot to listen to the Johnston, Roche, and Cattles Holiday Fill-in Show!

Karl Anthony Towns is the worst all-star in the league.

Hey gang of male feminists, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Nobody works harder than women in sports.”

More resumes should say “34DD.”

Holiday is who everybody convinced themselves Smart was.

Game 3 of the 2024 Eastern Conference Finals should forever be referred to in history as Jrue’s Non-Covid Illness Game.

Home track win for Chuc Leclerc at the Monaco Grand Prix.

When the Celtics fail to execute in crunch time, they’re losers. When their opponent fails to execute in crunch time, they should’ve won! got it.

You say that you love me (say you love me)
All of the time (all of the time)
You say that you need me (say you need me)
You’ll always be mine (always be mine)

I’m feelin’ glad all over.
Yes, I’m glad all over.
Baby, I’m glad all over.
So glad you’re mine.

Have fewer electrical outlets. And have more furniture blocking access to the few there are.

I can draw up inbounds plays that don’t work too. Just sayin’.

Lonzo Ball says he had to get a new meniscus from a donor because of how severe his injury became.

Honk if you remember the TV movie, Brian’s Song.

I don’t know Ma, what do you think they serve at “Just Salads?”

Thinking heavily of Bill Walton, Tommy Heinsohn, Red Auerbach, KC Jones, and Sam Jones tonight as the #DifferentHere Boston #Celtics punch another ticket to the #NBAFinals.

Trop Pants! > $80 Pants

I could watch Pop Douglas run routes against air all day. The No. 3 looks good on him, too.

Bradley Beal has a son named “Deuce.” Makes you think.

Have Goodman and Perk ever done a podcast together? The universe would implode in a singularity of stupid.

Friendly reminder to be nice to your veterinary staff on holiday weekends.

I can’t be the only one who saw that woman take her jersey off behind the Dallas Stars bench.

Best bet for the weekend: Oliers & Panthers advance to The Cup.

Makes you think.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Dan Kelley, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Rock the Casbah.

And Happy Birthday to tech CEO Marissa Mayer-hold on, I’m being told this is actually model Marissa Miller. Well, the picture stays.

5/22/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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If you’re only going to hit one three-pointer, let it be the one that forces overtime.

Nothing like ECF nerves. Unless you’ve lived it you’ll never understand.

When you can go from the #1 rated morning show in town to a classic rock station with Ted Johnson, how could you not?

Ben McAdoo looks like he shouldn’t be allowed within 500 feet of a school.

Sunrise, Florida vs. Edmonton, Alberta sounds like a potential ratings bonanza for ABC.

Of course Jaylen Brown hit the big shot right in front of Drake Maye and Guy Fieri.

At least Javon Baker got Ju Ju out his wheelchair.

Dunkin Donuts iced coffee is the true measure of Karma. No cup tastes the same as the last and the more good energy you put into the world, the better cup you’ll get in return.

Cakes are cooking for Tommy John, George Best, Bernie Taupin, Steven Morrissey, José Mesa, Alison Eastwood, Naomi Campbell, Corey Croom, Katie Price, Maggie Q, and Apolo Anton Ohno.

What time is the 8pm tipoff?

I am so perplexed by some of you who think I want, or need, anything from my work. I do need to avoid starving (on the whole), and it’s ideal when I am in the zone, but, at the end of the day, I just deploy my skillset as I am called to serve. Anything else is a fringe benefit.

Sweeney said that no Bruins are scheduled for offseason surgery.

Orange Line Reminder: May 20-23, Nights only from 8:30 PM to the end of service. Shuttle Buses replace service between Oak Grove and North Station due to bridge and track work. Commuter Rail Haverhill Line will be available for alternate service.

There’s nothing like the intensity of a Game Seven.

Charlotte Wilder went from Fox Sports to Dan LeBatard to Plain Black Hat in two years. Kevin Spacey had a gentler fall from grace.

Red Sox are right in the meaty part of the win/loss curve.

It’s a damn shame no one hacks anymore. Nothing like getting in a circle and kicking the bag around. And Cons were the best hacking shoe. Perfect in-step, and flexible ankle.

Hey gang of spectral phenomenists, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I am too old to be fighting ghosts.”

You don’t HAVE to weirdly overpraise the Knicks NBA blue checks. It’s not a rule or anything.

I had Cannoli ice cream for the first time on this day five years ago. I did at an ice cream shop near the Baseball Hall Of Fame in Cooperstown. Since then, I have seen Cannoli ice cream at a few other ice cream shops.

TJ McConnell is such a smart player. Crafty. Underrated athlete.

Have to admit those Texans lettermen setups were some sharp looking jackets, even if it was a terrible idea.

This Bridgerton season is NOT healthy for us delusional yearners.

I impinged one of my ECF nerves once.

Tweet asking whether there is any recent player whose career has fallen apart like Andrew Benintendi’s. It’s as common as dirt. Go back to 2019 and look for young players who were playing well then, and you’ll find 20 of them. . .Javy Baez, Roughned Odor, Nomar Mazara.

I’m sorry you don’t think I went to Celtics games in the 80s, Filter Pig.

Chris, FOR YEARS I’ve beat some of the best prognosticators in the World. I have never lost. YOU are the only one who beats me every year. Your early pick on American Idol Won last night with Abby Carter Hats off to you Friend

If you feel that it’s real, I’m on trial
And I’m here, yeah, in your prison
Like a coin in your mint
I am dented and I’m spent with high treason

Through a glass eye, your throne
Is the one danger zone
Take me to the pilot for control
Take me to the pilot of your soul

Take me to the pilot
Lead me through the chamber
Take me to the pilot
I am but a stranger

I will say – casting Lazar as the pompous know it all dick was spot on.

Hear me out…IF the Finals is Celtics vs. T-Wolves both teams should be forced to play KG for at least 3 minutes. Celtics get him for 4 games (first seed privilege), T-Wolves get him for 3. Cs get him games 1 & 2 then rotate game by game. This is the way.

Honk if you remember Nicholas Colasanto.

I don’t think Aidan had gotten around to investing his grift money into making his site less AIDSy.

20 years from now, when your kid asks you just how injury-depleted the Knicks were in their second-round matchup vs. the Pacers in 2024, tell them that Alec Burks was New York’s third-leading scorer in the series (and NY’s second-leading scorer over the final four games).

Rylo Huncho died doing what he loved.

Gun to my head, I would have said there were eight PWHL teams.

I’m not calling a grown man, “Bronny.”

If Jayson Tatum shot 6-for-24 in a Game 7 people would be destroying him, win or lose. Anthony Edwards does it and he’s the new face of the NBA? If I wasn’t such a big Ant fan I’d find this very annoying as a Celtics fan.

Who is the American League version of Ed Kranepool? Let us know in the comments.

Ted Johnson’s Rosemary Kennedy impersonation, while strikingly accurate, was in poor taste this morning in my opinion.

Best bet for the holiday weekend: media personalities being forced to reassess their unfairly negative opinion of the Celtics.

Well, that’s like, your opinion, man.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, NO Mark Farinella, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Hos soon is now?

And Happy Birthday to Damariscotta’s own Anna Belknap, star of stage, screen and television.

5/15/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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You think the old barn will be rocking the next couple nights? Heh heh.

(Editor’s Note: in last week’s Junk Drawer a quote from Mark Farinella was mistakenly attributed to comedian Mitch Hedberg. We apologize for the error and thank Mr. Farinella for pointing it out.)

I bet everyone is happy the Celtics came back on the road and finally won a close playoff game.

Drew Bledsoe rooted for Roy Stalin in Better Off Dead.

You could run a black light over the court at MSG and not find any winning DNA.

Who greenlit Harrison Butker’s commencement speech? Nick Adams? Fred Waterford?

A quarter of the season done, and the Red Sox lead the league in ERA. If that holds up, it would be the first time that has happened since two years before the Magna Carta was signed.

Drew Bledsoe is the Platonic ideal of a coach’s kid.

Will rookies wearing their actual game numbers improve Patriots coverage this year?

Nothing says I’m a dickhead Boston cop like a bald head and a goatee.

Cakes are cooking for Anna Maria Alberghetti, Wavy Gravy, Don Nelson, Brian Eno, Chazz Palminteri, George Brett, Mike Oldfield, Dan Patrick, Kevin Von Erich, Melle Mel, John Smoltz, Emmitt Smith, Desmond Howard, Jennifer Rizzotti, Ray Lewis, Ryan Leaf, David Krumholtz, Josh Beckett, Justin Morneau, Jamie-Lynn Sigler, Christiane, and Andy Murray,

Max Strus has never actually hit a three against a team other than the Celtics.

Hey gang of potential sports managment agency clients, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Do rib tattoos hurt? I want one.”

Drew Bledsoe would be divorced too if he played in the NFL for 23 seasons like Brady.

I’d rather be backed over by my ciggy breath girlfriend than have friends that play fight with me after a few beers.

Someone please give Jennifer Connelly a meatball sub. Or two.

Shouldn’t Mother’s Day be every day of the year?

Red Line Reminder: May 18-19 (This Weekend) Shuttle Buses replace service between Broadway and Braintree due to bridge and track work. Regular Red Line service will operate between Ashmont and JFK/UMass.

Drew Bledsoe parks his car diagonally across four parking spaces at the supermarket.

Celtics are lucky Okoro can’t score-o. He has to be 0 for his last 15.

Leah Hextall. Naughty.

Hey Ken, find the dog food that I ordered on Amazon two weeks ago, loser. Yaaaaaa!

Spike Lee still alive? What a cvnt.

Drew Bledsoe’s sheared artery was the first time we learned he had heart.

Imagine being Turtleboy’s lawyer. After a while, you must be like, “Why are you such an asshole?”

Is Zack Cox trespassing?

The mute button loves PK Subban.

You don’t need to use the search bar Ma; the page you’re looking for is already open in a tab. Cursor up. Up. Up! No, don’t scroll down! Up! You see the tabs up top? right in the middle! Click there!

Drew Bledsoe would be friends with Shooter McGavin.

A: the1987 Los Angeles Lakers.

The fact there are Red Lobster restaurants in Connecticut is a point for the ‘CT isn’t really part of New England’ side of the argument.

If you’re looking for a catchy tune with a funky beat, you could do much worse than Shalamar.

When did Court TV get so bad/cheesy?

Honk if you’ve eaten at The Weathervane/Lobster in the Rough.

Kelsey Plum forgot her blouse!

Drew still using the roast from over a week ago as an excuse to keep insulting Tom kinda makes him look like the asshole we all know him to be.

And you may ask yourself, “How do I work this?”
And you may ask yourself, “Where is that large automobile?”
And you may tell yourself, “This is not my beautiful house.”
And you may tell yourself, “This is not my beautiful wife.”

Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down.
Letting the days go by, water flowing underground.
Into the blue again, after the money’s gone.
Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground.

Same as it ever was, same as it ever was.
Same as it ever was, same as it ever was.
Same as it ever was, same as it ever was.
Same as it ever was, same as it ever was.

Radar guns have changed. There is no way that all these pitchers hit 100mph so consistently. No one threw it faster than Nolan Ryan but now every middle-reliever does? Impossible.

Dallas’s NHL team should have been named the Lone Stars.

UConn is a baseball school.

Can you really cry while giving a speech about the loss of masculinity? Asking for an idiot kicker.

Who’s the Florida Panthers diving coach, Thornton Mellon? Bravo.

Statistics that other people research and post should get acknowledged or attributed to them if they are used, not just stolen. It’s a lousy thing to do.

Drew Bledsoe got traded to another team in the division.

Red Lobster got Frying Dutchman’d with its ultimate endless shrimp promotion. Arrrrr!

Welcome to the big leagues, Caitlin Clark.

Best bet for the weekend: Not Mystik Dan. Sorrey!

Boston cop physiognomy.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, but nothing from Mark Farinella, don’t you worry your pretty little head, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. The second time around. Ooh, the second time is so much better, baby.

BdlG at the WHCD.

5/8/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Plain B(lack) Hat. He’s back.

Shertenlieb to WZLX? Our short, regional nightmare is finally over. But will the wacky bits work sandwiched between Meatloaf and Molly Hatchet? Enjoy obscurity.

You all want Tatum to be a point guard. Don’t @ me.

Mmmm, meatloaf sandwich.

Upton Bell was still working in football the last time the Knicks won a title.

Boy that Gorman “goodnight,” huh? That’s one you don’t forget.

Watching Lohrei handle the puck immediately after Wotherspoon is hilarious. It’s like they play different sports.

Why are the refs so deferential to Denver? It makes zero sense.

Cakes are cooking for Gary Glitter, Chris Frantz, Mike D’Antoni, Philip Bailey, Alex Van Halen, Bill Cowher, Lovie Smith, Ronnie Lott, Melissa Gilbert, Omar Camporese, Hiromi Arakawa, Enrique Iglesias, Jussi Markkanen, Joe Bonnamassa, John Maine, Adrian Gonzalez, Kemba Walker, and Olivia Culpo.

Kobe anally raped a woman, but Pat Bev was mean to the middle-aged lady. He should leave.

The Mets are like the lottery one day you win big and the next day you lose a lot.

Jalen Brunson looks like Abby Chin without makeup.

They fired the reigning In Season Tournament winning coach? Odd. And sad.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Are you going to spend vacation watching a trial on your phone?”

Macklin Celebrini? That’s not a hockey player name, that’s the name of an advertising agency.

It’s free to subscribe to Pat Bev’s podcast. That lady was just being difficult.

What do people even do with bookmarks?

Tatum is gonna have to take over one of these times and steal us a game. Or perhaps even steal us a series. Or neither, seeing as basketball is a team sport.

How much at auction would Darren pay for ‘genuine human emotions?’

Carlo has a kid – flies in late, plays, scores. Rudy Gobert has a kid- smokes weed, goes on the ‘Gram, misses game(s).

Hope Keith Foulke is happy that he lost a fan!

Red Line Reminder: May 11-12 (This Weekend) Shuttle Buses replace service between Broadway and North Quincy due to bridge and track work. Regular Red Line service will operate between Ashmont and JFK/UMass during this work.

Jamal Murray looks like an extra in Raid on Entebbe.

Carl Yastrzemski. I stood next to him once at a store. There were a handful of men there. None of us spoke to him, though he gave me a head nod. I know he is a man and yet somehow, we all knew that he is more than that. He quietly disappeared from the store as if he was an apparition.

The Indianapolis Star’s Gregg Doyel is in the middle of a two-week suspension after the Caitlin Clark press-conference controversy. He will not cover any Fever games live this summer.

Shukri must be the Philly equivalent of Charlie on the MTA. All abroad!

Pitchbots are a stain on the beautiful troll community.

My kid just walked into the room. Sees Leafs vs. Bruins warming up on TV. “What? It’s boy’s hockey” with full indignation. “Why isn’t there girl’s hockey on?” She’s 5 and will never know a world where we can’t just turn our TV on and see pro women’s hockey players, and I love it.

Why does Kenny Smith need to have a video if all he’s doing is counting to 12?

Friends say it’s fine, friends say it’s good.
Everybody says it’s just like Robin Hood.
I move like a cat, talk like a rat, sting like a bee.
Babe, I’m gonna be your man.

It’s plain to see,
You were meant for me.
Yeah, I’m your boy,
Your 20th century toy.

Kendra Middleton’s peanut allergy story was lifted straight out of the film Fallen.

PWHL Boston – playoff bound.

Mutnansky is still in Monte Carlo playing baccarat with his Kentucky Derby winnings, right?

Just say you don’t know the joke. It’s OK.

If you take Aiden the Turtleboy’s place in line for the Karen Read case, he’s gonna kick you out of the Lollipop Guild.

Sears has medicine balls on sale today. Great prices.

Does interviewing Samir Suleiman satisfy the Rooney Rule the way having Brandon Hunt in for an interview does?

Honk if you remember the Dunkin coffee coolatta.

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Love that there’s more outrage about Pat Beverly being mean to a reporter than there is about him beaning a woman in the crowd in the head with a basketball.

No, you did not ‘catch a stray’ during the Tom Brady Roast.

I can take 30 Minions right now and throw them in the NFL. You cannot take 30 NFL players and put them in the Minion Ice Cave. jmt

ACAB and ‘bitch clearly did it’ are not mutually exclusive thoughts.

What is it with Kennedys always losing part of their brains?

Best bet for the weekend: packed brunch spots on Mother’s Day.

WOW.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Mitch Hedberg, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. What you gonna do when you get out of jail?

And a happy birthday to Josie Maran, SI swimsuit model, actress and skincare & cosmetics entrepreneur.

5/1/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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The only Mayday we recognize here.

Every quip on Twitter by a broad talking about what an Uber driver “said” to them is made up. Every single one.

What if the Toronto Polar bear has a humiliation fetish? Way to kink shame.

Dave O’Brien still can’t stop talking about a pitcher’s tempo even though there’s a pitch clock.

Jayson Tatum is Tatuming.

So we have one eyeshadow guy that likes the Patriots draft thus far, and one that hates it.

Maple Leaf Square should be renamed “Staple Loss Square” with how many times the Leafs get their lunch handed to them by the Bruins in the playoffs.

Did SkyCrepers pull out of sponsoring the Rich Keefe All Night Draft Party?

Brad’s going to trade that Executive of the Year Award for two second round picks and then turn those picks and an expiring contract into a 2027 first.

Cakes are cooking for Frank Beard, Rita Coolidge, Joanna Lumley, John Woo, Jerry Heard, Douglas Barr, Paul Teutul, Sr., Dann Florek, Ray Parker Jr, Nick Feldman, Dick Swett, Eddie Johnson, Steven Cauthen, Gary Clark, Yvonne von Gennip, Tim McGraw, Yael Arad, Bryan Marchment, Wes Anderson, Alex Van Pelt, Stuart Appleby, Curtis Martin, Wes Welker, David Backes, Ryan Matthews, Marcus Stroman, Anfernee Jennings, and Charli D’Amelio.

I’m sure Durant will be happy on the next team he goes to.

Hey gang of supplicants and courtiers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “You sound like a bafoon.”

I ain’t calling some other dude Kool-Aid.

Oatmeal raisin cookies are the identity thieves of the cookie world. From a distance you think they’re chocolate. Adrenaline spikes in anticipation of chocolatey morsels and that refreshing swig of ice-cold milk. Then you get nearer and realize you’ve been bamboozled. Crushing!

Are the rappers fighting again?

The smartest thing to ever come out of Lucy’s mouth is Curtis’s dick.

Folks, this should probably be pretty self-evident, but, for the record; I have 2FA enabled on literally everything I have setup in my life (which alerts me to login attempts or resets). Please, do not violate the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act of 1996. I will report it. K? Thx.

WEEI fired Kadlick the day before the Draft Party. You’d have to have a heart of stone not to laugh.

No Bron-Bron?

What’s this about Coach Mayo having a mural of himself depicted as a centaur installed in Gillette?

Red Line Reminder: May 2-10 Shuttle buses will replace Red Line service all day between Park Street and JFK/UMass due to track work. Shuttle service extends to Ashmont after 8:30 PM each day through May 9.

Aloha means goodbye. Norman Esiason, Aloha.

Marquette WBB junior wing Lee Volker has withdrawn her name from the portal.

Them Red Sox, they could continue to surprise!

We as a society do not give enough credit to the Reese’s Take 5 as one of our most superior candy innovations.

“Brainteaser” stumping everybody on Wheel of Fortune is a little too on the nose.

I won a really snazzy record player at an event for my grammar school. Which is really cool but now I need to buy records. Thinking ‘Nebraska’ or ‘Born to Run’ for my first purchase. Feels like a whole new world – straight back to my childhood.

The others were untrue
But when it came to lovin’ you
I’d spend my whole life with you
‘Cause you came and you took control
You touched my very soul
You always showed me that
Loving you was where it’s at
You made me so very happy
I’m so glad you came into my life.

Thank you baby.
Yeah yeah-yeah.

I don’t know, is Chicago even allowed to have a good non-Jewish quarterback?

Honk if you remember Francis Gary Powers.

Woke up the other morning and my wife left me a post-it saying, “Vontae Mack no matter what.” Ooops. Sorry. Eyes blurry. It says, “Pick up dry cleaning.” Draft day!

What’s the deal with all the crane flies this spring?

I hope Kendra keeps this same energy when one of her 98.5 co-workers inevitably says something racist. Again.

I used to ride an electric scooter to and from train stations commuting for work so I get the appeal of them. But these people now who have scooters to get from the garage to the job LITERALLY ACROSS THE STREET is peak laziness.

Being a Leo is great because anytime I’m accused of wanting attention I’m like, yeah literally astrologically I feel no shame about that.

Genuine Merch!

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Remember — it’s okay to ask for help. You sad little nancy.

“EDGE” is not a position. It’s called defensive end.

No one has the right to call Nick Cattles an idiot. Everyone has the responsibility to call him an idiot.

Jose Ramirez is fascinating, because he doesn’t look at all like one of the five best players in baseball, but he is. He doesn’t look like he would be fast, but he is. Sort of in the Rick Reuschel/deceptive body class.

The Heat have signaled they want to quit. Finish them, Celtics.

Conversely, Uber drivers make up stories about things sportswriters tell them.

Where are all the yellow seats, Dale? Reinstall them!

Best bet for the weekend: The Patriots doing something cringe on Cinco de Mayo.

The Aggregator Vanishes.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. And I can’t get away. To Live and Die in L.A.

And happy birthday to actress Joy Harmon, who you may remember from this scene in ‘Cool Hand Luke’.
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