Category Archives: WEEI

06/01/2023 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Your ride is ready, Jaylen. Set the controls for the heart of the sun.

Maybe the real Eastern Conference Championship is the friends we made along the way.

Red Sox seem destined to be the best last place team in the league.

Why does everyone want Brown traded to the Suns? How’s that? Shot into the sun? Oh. That’s different.

Well, the Revs make a good Plan E, I guess.

You know someone’s made a poor vocational choice when they thank Evan Lazar and Alex Barth on their way out.

Josef Newgarden wins the 2023 Indianapolis 500. He’s definitely Penske material.

I haven’t had Popeye’s since 2016…The Popeye’s no longer being there in Kenmore Square makes this easier (I’m aware there’s one on Northeastern’s campus but no one counts that one anyways)

Cakes are cooking for Brian Cox, Martin Brundle, Sherri Howard, Larry Centers, Derek Lowe, Alanis Morissette, Brandi Carlile, Carlota Ciganda, and Zazie Beetz.

If only there was something a gal could do to not be thought of as a shameless grifter looking for the next free ride.

Can we get another Fred Toucher update? This is the first time I’ve ever found him interesting.

No duckboats for the C’s & B’s. Swan boats are still available.

Celtics series showed us that some injuries you just can’t overcome. Well, maybe Herro will be healthy if they meet again next season in the ‘yoffs.

Impossibly needy Bob Kraft getting his picture taken arm in arm with convicted rapist Mike Tyson means we get ‘Rock & Roll Part 2’ back as a touchdown song at Gillette, right?

Glad to see Carles Gil is back and as good as ever. Way to salvage a draw in Atlanta.

Hey gang of sabermetricians! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I like Grape Nuts, but they don’t fill up three shelves in the breakfast food section.”

Let’s don’t get too excited about non-padded practices, bobos.

Keep up your spirit. Keep up your faith, baby
I am counting on you
You know what you’ve got to do.

Fight the good fight every moment
Every minute every day
Fight the good fight every moment
It’s your only way.

I believe that Stephen Root is one of the best, most underrated actors working. And when you look at his amazing career, it makes me wonder what Phil Hartman would have done.

Name a better tennis video game than “Racket Attack” for the NES…

No, “Dan Lifshatz’s Volley Challenge” is not better.

The idea that the Adirondack chair is the height of comfort and relaxation is the biggest fraud foisted on the public since they told us Astroturf was safer than grass.

I still think of the Miami Heat as an expansion team.

Blue Line: delays of about 15 minutes due to a train with a mechanical problem near Airport. Trains may be asked to stand by at stations.

All I really want to know about Chat GPT is when it will be ready to replace John Smoltz.

Bad luck for Tina Turner that Jim Brown predeceased her. RIP, Queen.

David Simon is super online. For him to not know Three Year Letterman is a schtick is crazy.

News Item: Shannon Sharpe leaving ‘Undisputed’ after end of NBA Playoffs. Does he plan to run in the Belmont?

Former All-Pro punter Brett Kern, who played 13 seasons for the Titans has announced his retirement.

Do guidance counselors funnel people with psychotic levels of self-confidence but no aptitude for medicine into sportswriting?

You’d think someone who can split atoms with their mind could also learn how to dribble.

Must feel odd for Turtleboy Aiden to only have to go to court four days this week owing to the holiday.

Big Papi could have sent Identical Best Friend Sixto to Game 7. Boston would have played along.

The greatest show ever is grainy “Unsolved Mysteries” clips that I watch on YouTube.

I bought a scratch-off ticket, but then I accidentally spilled some cortizone cream on it, so it did not need to be scratched.

Honk if remember Tom Brady saying he was going to stay retired the first time.

Your readers knew those three consecutive ‘jeepers, wouldn’t it be neat if the Celtics came back from 3 down just like the Red Sox?’ columns were insincere concern trolling, Dan.

I don’t have any time to be sad. I have two deadlines plus a book proposal to write. As always it’s go Celtics.

You think Tina bequeathed Dolly all her wigs? I hope so.

Maybe it’s time Hollywood gave Jeremy Joe Kronsberg a non-orangutan movie to direct?

Beside the Cy Young Award, there should be a Bob Gibson Award for a pitcher who is not only great, but also just competitive as Holy Hell. Who embodies that spirit today? I’m thinking Max Scherzer, maybe?

I thought Fredgy would OD this year but maybe Milo will kill him in self-defense. Shrug.

Best bet for the weekend: The Las Vegas Golden Knights matriculating their way to winning a Stanley Cup for Coach Cassidy, because we can’t have nice things.

Wonder what the problem is?

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Mitch Hedberg, cell phone pictures of computer monitors, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Look to the clock on the wall. Hands hardly moving at all. I can’t stand the state that I’m in. Sometimes it feels like the walls closing in.

Alles Gute zum Geburtstag, Heidi Klum, who turns 50. Imagine!

From The 15 Vault – the 2019 WEEI-Themed Memorial Day Mixtape Playlist

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(Originally published May 27, 2019 )

(Dear BJBSJ Wicked Pissah Beantown Chowderheads Platinum Elite Members; Here is a musical playlist for your Memorial Day enjoyment. Click HERE to download. The theme this year is potential WEEI format changes, and the different music they would then play. It’s funny because it is true! So, without any further ado, and no listening out of order);

Disc One: Country 93.7

1. Boston – Kenny Chesney

2. I’m Alright – Jo Dee Messina

3. Chicken Fried – Zac Brown Band

4. I Hope You DIAF – Lee Ann Crespo-Womack

5. Drinking Double Shots of Crown While Sittin On the Beach: How The Hell Is That A Country Song? – Joe Bob the Great

6. Save A Host (Ride A Flashboy) – Big O and Rich

7. A Boy Named Lou – Johnny Venmo

8. The Ballad of Postmaster Gerry – FlashSGT Barry Sadler

9. The Dale Went Down To Middays – Charles. Edward. Daniels.

10. Lonely ol’ Overnight (10-2 shift) – Ron Muskmelon Catamount

11. Before He Cheats (Again) – Sara Underwood

12. I’m Tellin’ You How To Fan -Sam “Ol’ Foot Locker” McBanjodick

13. Oh Atlanta – Eddie Money with Jaromir Jagr

14. One Hour DVR Extension – Jocko Fergus & the Coonhounds

15. The Wreck of the Joey Zarbano – Gordon Lightfoot

16. I Got Ratings In Low Places – Amalgam of Suck

17. Count The Numbers (Providence) – Sheetmetal Badgers

18. Elmira – Dick Teefe and the Downward Failers

19. Havelicek Myself Back Into Rehab – Bombay John and the Spring Water Slurrerers

20. Most Messed Up – The Old 93.7’s

BONUS TRACKS

Jesus Take the Wheel (Mut’s leaving the Horse track) – Carrie Underwood

Boys of the Fall(ing Ratings) – Kenny Chesney

And here is Disk 2, WEEI – Boston’s New Alternative:

1. Who You Drivin’ Now? – Muthoney

2. I Believe Nothing – Alex In Chains

3. All Star – Mush Mouth

4. Runaway Train – McLean Asylum

5. Hey There Pedroia – The Pricey White Tees

6. Sweet, Sweet, Sweetness – Beetle Eat World

7. Periscope Killed the Radio Star -The Circle Kirks

8. Frank From Gloucestah – Sheet Cake

9. I’m The Nicest Person I Know – Jenny and the Krylonettes

10. don’t tell me how to fan! – lc mafia

11. Danny California – The Red Headed Chili Bastards

12. In Bill We Trust (I Guess) – Hugh Patrick Sfanbut & The Toxic Objectivity Orchestra

13. Literally Sobbing – Gabs and the Starfish

14. Interstate 95 Love Song – Futility Lou

15. Shaw’s Super Bon Bon -Soul Hiccuping

16. AIDS Beer Pose – Salkgarden (Lawnmowerfinger: Live version)

17. Dancing on the Dunes – The Gamere Fens Nesters

18. Speculate/Hyperventilate – Fictional Friction

19. Visualization Of The Space Mind Gargamel XI: Winning The Offseason – Dero Spedes

20. Low Ratings Panic Attack – Radiodotcomhead

BONUS TRACK

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town (is the Only One Who Still Like Joe Castig) – Pearl Jam

*Suggestions as to songs we missed are welcome in the comments.

A trans-WordPress cooperative collaboration with BSMW.net, who had it first before we had it first.

Mediot Madness – The Sour Sixteen – Day Two

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Small Graphic. Big stakes.

Now for the two remaining Regions, V and N to tussle and further reduce the mediot field of competitors. Polls will remain open for 24 hours, until 10:00 AM EDT Wednesday, March 29th.

(Note: # 1 Seed Volin has been given a 2-vote lead.)

Sour Sixteen Scouting Synopsis!

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(Again done by the redoubtable Patrick from Andover del Norte:)

Welcome to the Sour Sixteen preview! The two higher seeds in Region C should easily advance to the Hateful Eight(TM pending). After his suspension Mazz locked his twitter account, and then after Chris Curtis’s suspension Mazz deleted his twitter account! (Update: Tone’s account is back, but still locked. Like Felgie’s car should have been.) He’s obviously living in fear of winning this tournament. Things are so bad now that you have to buy a Cameo if you’d like to hear Tony’s “Amos ‘n’ Andy” impression. In other news, did you know that an autographed photo of Bert Breer is available for $25 on Ebay? Imagine how much that could be worth in a week! (Disclaimer: the capital value of Bertie’s autograph can fluctuate and the price can go down as well as up and is not guaranteed).

Kid Gas should trounce the Far Side Kid to open Region V action. Things get a little more interesting from there on out. You may think it’s odd that Boston’s paper of record employs a sports media ombudsman who lives outside the Boston DMA, but if the weather is perfectly clear, and the moon is full, Chad can more often than not pick up the Boston stations on his Nana’s Philco radio in Downeast Maine. You may have missed it on Friday when Chad postulated on Nip-gate: “I’m not calling for a firing here, but the apparent going rate at the station of a one-week hiatus for making a racist or sexist comment is rather low. It’s not like the show, which oscillates between a chore and a bore on most days, would suffer without his overbearing presence.” Chad had no such reservations, or comments, when his good friend Tomy Masserotti was suspended earlier this month for making racist comments. Obviously Mazz’s overbearing presence is key in the chore vs bore calculation, which is why his one-week suspension was deemed to be sufficient punishment. It’s also understandable for Chad to come down harder on a nobody like Curtis because, unlike those two random African-American gentlemen that Mazz slurred, Mina Kimes was nice enough to “like” one of Chad’s tweets. Finn sucks. However Large Gynamsium Murray is a bald-denying asshole, which makes this match-up too close to call.

Region N is “interesting!”, to quote its moronic #1 seed. Ben Volin may feel entitled to a 10-point advantage, or at least choice of uniforms, since he is the #1 seed in the region, but that won’t be necessary for him to easily dispatch Greg Bedard’s lapdog Nick Cattles. The other match-up is a battle of the ages. Dan Shaughnessy is far removed from relevancy, and from his 2011 Father of the Year award. Christian Arcand is desperately clinging to Adam Jones’ coattails, having been fired from 98.5 and soon to be fired from WEEI. More shockingly, Arcand is also apparently trying to appropriate Gabby Starr’s (#14 in Region T) culture – do a “Christian (from: @gfstarr1)” Twitter search for more enlightenment. Shank is a dinosaur, but Arcand is the voice of a new generation. YOUR generation. Vote accordingly.

Does anyone know what the hell is going on in Region T? The two plucky underdogs have been the story of this year’s tournament. Can Nick “Fitzy” Stevens continue drive the snakes out of the region and take down Michael Felger? Can Gabby Starr pass over Ted “the veg” Johnson? Do you believe in miracles of Old Testament proportions? Yes! No? You make the call. Remember, for a limited time, the the15netdotcomsportsbook is offering $200 in site credits for every $5 wagered on the March Sadness tournament! Time is running out, so Register Now!

(Problem gambling is an urge to gamble continuously despite negative consequences or a desire to stop. Problem gambling is often defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others, rather than by the gambler’s behaviour. Referring to your gambling unfailingly as ‘gaming’ may also be a sign. Severe problem gambling may be diagnosed as clinical pathological gambling if the gambler meets certain criteria. If you feel you or a loved one need help, of if you are considering a 4-leg parlay on how both of you need help, you can contact The Commonwealth’s Office of Problem Gambling Services Problem Gambling Helpline at (800) 327-5050 or go to https://www.mass.gov/orgs/office-of-problem-gambling-services.)

Patrick is from Andover del Norte.

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