The 15

Don’t touch Himmy!

News Item: Nick Taylor wins Canadian Open, first time a Canadian has won since 1954. So you got that goin’ for you, Canadian NHL squads.

Type ‘Canadian’ more.

Yes, I definitely want to hear that you’re happy for Coach Cassidy.

The Sox PR department is losing its mojo. You gotta sneak middling guys with racists/sexist/homophobic social media postings onto the roster at 6pm on the Friday before a long weekend or 30 minutes before a Bruins/Celtics game 7.

Just sayin’, but the kid’s nickname isn’t ‘Baby Kelce.’

It’s getting a touch late in the season to be hovering around .500, Red Sox.

Volin must be horrified two of his Miami teams did the worst possible thing in professional sports: reach the finals and lose. C’s & B’s wisely dodged that bullet.

Vanderpump? What is that, Dutch?

Cakes are cooking for Rod Argent, Donald Trump, Will Patton, Fred Funk, Eric Heiden, Eugene Chung, Steffi Graf, A, J. Mleczko, Diablo Cody, and Lucy Hale.

Between Unabomber Ted and that Hanssen traitor croaking there’s some vacant cells available in Federal prison.

Of course Aaron Rodgers was at the Tony Awards.

Congratulations to Arcangelo & trainer Jena Antonucci for a thrilling and historic win at the Belmont Stakes.

I just be letting people cap.

Worcester Line Train 506 (7:00 am from Worcester) is operating 5-15 minutes behind schedule between Framingham and South Station.

Is Tanya Ray in the running for the vacated Shannon Sharpe spot on whichever sports yelling show he was on?

Tree frog!

It’s been less than a week that I have known of the song “Lost in the Woods” from Frozen 2, a movie I’ve not seen. This is my favorite song. It’s a wonderful tribute to David Foster/Peter Cetera hits of the 80s. Good on Frozen 2.

Instead of saying “a non-Power Five coach told me” Russillo should say “Trent Dilfer told me.”

That Peleton instructor Jess King seems like a nice lady.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny!

Aloha means ‘goodbye’. Aloha, Bob Kravitz.

Do you think other birds are jealous of cardinals?

Denver may have played all lower-seeded teams, but they did beat Jimmy Butler, who I’ve been told is the greatest, most clutch basketball player of all time. Incredible accomplishment.

Whenever Kung Fu Fighting comes on my playlist in the car I simply have to turn it up. Not apologizing.

I hope Asteroid City is sufficiently twee.

Patriots roster is now back at 90 after bringing back Justus Tavai.

You do not mess with “New York, New York.” It’s too perfect to make it about you.

Do YOU have a blog on a tertiary NHL website?

The people who don’t pay any attention to the “old” baseball statistics (Wins, RBI, Batting Average) are exactly like the people who won’t pay any attention to the new statistics. They just parked on the other side of the road, that’s all.

And if they stare
Just let them burn their eyes
On you moving
And if they shout
Don’t let it change a thing
That you’re doing

Hold your head up, woman
Hold your head up, woman
Hold your head up, woman
Hold your head high.

This is not Pat Cooper. Please find a correct photo if you’re going to honor him.

Honk if you remember Arrogate.

Did Paul Pierce ever party with Silvio Berlusconi? I hope so. RIP, bunga bunga man.

A fine showing for your return to Le Mans, NASCAR.

Tough break in the CWS, Texas. I blame Rosenblatt Stadium, or whatever it’s called now, being as poorly illuminated as the Palestra or the Dallas Sportatorium.

Candace Parker had – 400 odds to win Celebrity Jeopardy? That’s not too shabby. What? That was her final score? Oh.

When I say ‘D’, you say ‘HOP!’ D! (pause) D! (pause) (did you do it?)

Third Eye Blind is background bar music now?

Like The Athletic was ever going to fire Buckley during Pride Month.

Be nice to your veterinary staff.

Is there anybody who is bipolar and doesn’t let people know at every chance? They’re like vegans, or CrossFit enthusiasts, or people from Texas.

Everyone please have a safe and happy Flag Day.

With the final day of minicamp called off, maybe the Patriots beat writers could use the freed up time to shop for some decent clothes, the kind that fit?

Best bet for the weekend: The phone not ringing at Gerry Callahan’s on Father’s Day.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Mitch Hedberg, BSMW poster Laszlo Panaflex and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Well, let me tell you ’bout the way she looked the way she’d act and the color of her hair. Her voice was soft and cool, her eyes were clear and bright but she’s not there.

“I Am Outraged about the PGA-LIV Golf merger announcement! It’s all about the MONEY!” – representatives of an industry that can be bought off by a table of free pizzas.

Every single time you see Kenley Jansen, either on TV or around the ballpark, he’s mentoring some young pitcher on the staff.

Weren’t the Cardiac Huskies at Day 2 of Boston Calling? Because they weren’t at Day 2 of the CWS.

Happy (belated) Birthday to the great @ronniewood. There’s only one Ronnie Wood.

You’d think Chris Gasper as the originator of the reverse layup would understand basketball better. But you would be wrong.

Say ‘air quality’ more.

Cakes are cooking for Liam Neeson, Bill Koch, Janice Lawrence Braxton, Gia Carides, Mick Foley, Karl Urban, Bill Hader, Keegan Bradley, Milan Lucic, Iggy Azalea, and Emily Ratajkowski.

I loved “Air.” I knew I was going to like it just from opening montage to movie that’s a love letter to growing up in the 1980’s. Makes total sense given I’m around same age as Ben Affleck & Matt Damon and grew up in the same area with the same kind of experiences. Totally spoke to me.

A muumuu can be repurposed by tucking it into your pants and rolling up the sleeves.

When I want a deep, thoughtful reflection on the perils of doing business with an autocratic government who funds terrorism, I go to the guy who plays golf for a living and fucks Wayne Gretzky’s daughter.

Hey gang of butt-dialers! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “We’ve got crackers, and cheese!”

Middleborough Line Train 014 (11:28 am from Middleborough/Lakeville) is operating 5-15 minutes behind schedule between Holbrook/Randolph and South Station due to a mechanical issue.

OTA Scuffle SZN!

RIP, Astrud Gilberto. I bet Dottie was fond of that ‘Girl With Emphysema’ song.

Floramo’s moved to Wakefield and Malden.

I hate how cynical my mind is when watching movies now. Just saw the Titanic scene where the mother is singing her kids to sleep as the boat is sinking. 10 years ago I’m like ‘how touching’. Now I am like “yeah the rush of freezing cold water isn’t gonna wake them up or anything”.

No Home Run celebration chains on the field? You know what NCAA stands for: No Fun League.

The Falcons announce that punt returner Avery Williams is out for the year with a torn ACL, a non-contact injury from practice.

A lot of people think new Celtics assistant coach Sam Cassell looks like E.T. Not so. He looks like Lou Gossett Jr’s Drac from Enemy Mine.

News Item: Jacob deGrom to go under deKnife to get deTommy John surgery.

Killing a reporter? Who does Prince Mohammed bin Salman think he is; Clark County Public Administrator Robert Telles?

Wegmans in Natick is closing and I’m not ok about it.

Red Line: Delays of about 15 minutes southbound due to a disabled Train at Harvard. The Train has been removed from service.

Messi to MLS Miami?

Does Hacksaw Jim Duggan have to be buried with the Iron Shiek?

What’s new pussycat? Whoa, whoa, whoa
What’s new pussycat? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Pussycat, pussycat,
I’ve got flowers and lots of hours to spend with you.
So go and powder your cute little pussycat nose
Pussycat, pussycat, I love you, yes, I do,
You and your pussycat nose.

As long as Boston sports media exists, Awaken 180 will have an unlimited supply of potential spokesmen.

Honk if you remember Stan Getz.

MAX has “The Outsiders” but no “Rumble Fish”… There’s “Casino Royale”, “Quantum Of Solace” but no “Skyfall”… Or “Spectre” or the OTHER Bond film I never saw before. Weird.

Our Friends The Saudis better not put Paulina Gretzky in a burka!

Did you know that over the last five seasons (2019-2023) Marcus Semien has more WAR than Mike Trout–and it isn’t remotely close. “Close” would be 2%, maybe 5%. Over 5 years, Semien beats Trout in WAR by a whopping 24%.

I like onion bunz. Nice pattie. Pepper Jack cheese. Fire!!

Hey, more free hoodies.

Bermuda Shorts Are Back, and They’re Officially Celebrity Approved.

NASCAR used to be guys named Matt and Jimmie. And now it’s guys named Ryan and Ross.

The Sheiky wearing a keffiyeh was like Jamie Lee Curtis’s Ophelia in Trading Places costumed as a Swede wearing lederhosen.

When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.

Seven years ago you were werried about the goriller!?

“It looks like something Zach Snyder filmed.” Fitzy thinks Denis Villaneuve is the backup goalie for the Calgary Flames.

Best bet for the weekend: a three-year-old horse. You heard it here first!

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Mitch Hedberg, cell phone pictures of computer monitors, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. My house in Budapest. My, my hidden treasure chest.

See? Just win one game 4 times. All fix.

Coach Cassidy has his Las Vegas Golden Knights playing with the intensity of, well, the regular season Bruins.

A prior tweet said Chad Ryland replaced Cajuste. The sort in my column was incorrect.

The billboard? Great idea. No possible downside.

Fun Fact: Adrian Wojnarowski and Ime Udoka have the same agent.

Let’s see about plating some runs in the near future, Red Sox.

So there. For the 92nd time since 1918, there will be no Triple Crown winner.

Be more obvious Jaylen is one of your locker room sources, Gary Washburn.

Cakes are cooking for Bobby Zimmerman, Joe Dumars, Pat Verbeek, Ricky Craven, Troy Barnett, Will Sasso, Katie King-Crowley, Brad Penny, G-Eazy, and Joey Logano.

Brooks Koepka may have won the PGA Championship, but Michael Block won the crowd.

A squirrel! At a baseball game! Unbelievable!!

Viv Trimble died? I didn’t even know she was sick. Rest in peace.

Worcester Line Train 512 (10:00 am from Worcester) is operating 5-15 minutes late between Wellesley Farms and South Station.

I hope Glen Kuiper has learned his lesson. Never attempt to express enthusiasm about anything.

OTAs? LFG!

When you idly wonder whether you can use “crapulence” in a story, go to Google, and discover Alex Speier has dropped it twice in the last three years.

Have the Miami Heat quit on their coach? That’s the effort late in a close out game at home? Smdh.

Not that anybody cares, but one of the most underrated players of all time was teammate Willie Randolph. Willie has a hell of a lot better Hall of Fame case than Munson does.

After roughly three months of not being able to throw, Brock Purdy can begin throwing next week…

Imagine white knighting for liver thief Bill Speros.

Greg Bedard will face unemployment before any NFL special teams coaches do. Loser.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I always knew that big-sideburned renegade was a bad influence!”

The 3 greatest voice actors for modern era animated shows are Cree Summer, E.G. Daily & Tara Strong… 3 of the most crushed on actresses of the modern era are Cree Summer, E.G. Daily & Tara Strong…

All that ridiculous free throw disparity and the NBA still couldn’t drag Los Angeles into the Finals.

LIV Golf drawing WEEI like ratings? Sad.

It’s amazing that Dan Lifshatz is able to have all this action when he’s been shut off by every book. Unless…

Red Route One you arrogant ass! You killed us!

Honk if you remember the 1951 NY Knicks forcing a game 7 against the Rochester Royals.

So what other movies was Dart Adams not in? Let us know in the comments.

Johnny’s in the basement mixin’ up the medicine
I’m on the pavement, thinkin’ about the government
The man in the trench coat, badge out, laid off
Says he’s got a bad cough, wants to get it paid off.

Nice work responding to the St. John’s Prep false alarm, Officer Bumbles.

NFL pretending it cares about player safety.

FYI if you own a G-Wagon and parked it outside Mike’s Pastry in the North End, it just got towed away for street cleaning.

A. Matt McCarthy

Think you can outsmart the Low Stakes Unit more. You can’t!

Does ‘Bronny’ (Sideshow Bob groan) even want to play on the same team as his dad?

Maybe Jaylen can take another whack at Springfield by debuting a fresh pair of ‘Was Dr. Suess Racist?’ sneakers for game 5.

Great gesture by Jeff Howe to raise money to help people who actually do have cancer.

Looking forward to posting to the Sons of Tristan Casas message board in 2043.

Best bet for the weekend: the NE Revolution righting the ship in their match against the visiting Chicago Fire.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. With my naked eye I saw all the falling rain coming down on me. With my naked eye I saw all if I said it all I could see.

is 51 points in a game seven good?

Where have you gone, Coach Bruce Cassidy? A lonely local media turns its eyes to you. Wooh, wooh, wooh.

Aloha means ‘goodbye’. Aloha, Ryan Brasier.

Clearly a member of the LottaCulchahPretzelTown Podcast crew wanted to record ‘right after the game.’

Nikola Jokić. Good fundamentals. Gritty. Plays the game the right way.

Kevin Paul Dupont just wanted someone else to run with his specious McAvoy, Ullmark & DeBrusk trade for Connor Bedard article so he can then go on the radio and get some gift cards.

The NFL officially blew it by not scheduling one of the Steelers/Ravens Dark Place games for Black Friday.

Doc is here? Doc is not here. Doc has been granted his walking papers,

Which column gets recycled more, Buckley’s Donnie Beardsley one or Ger Callahan’s Thanksgiving one?

Cakes are cooking for Norv Turner, Jim Nantz, Enya, Jon Koncak, Trent Reznor, Dave Abbruzzese, Paige Turco, Jordan Knight, Gina Raimondo, Sasha Alexander, Tony Parker, and Matt Ryan.

After a Rivalry Week loss, Revs look to take things out on Philadephia Union.

MLB saw no evidence of cheating by the NY Yankees. MLB’s HQ is at 1271 Avenue of the Americas. Also in New York City. Amazing but true!

Hey, gang of helpers! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Those old CONSONANTS were confusing!”

They should make mini duckboats. Duckling boats.

Once I placed an order at a local pizza place in Natick, or so I thought. They didn’t have it, the Framingham location had it. I went to Framingham and ate my pizza. Both stores are now closed. The Natick store is still empty, Framingham store is now a dispensary.

Rui Hachimura does not warrant being capitalized.

AIR was highly entertaining with some good laughs. The performances and script keep it humming along. And Viola Davis practically steals the movie with her sublimely subdued work. Definitely recommend. I would even go so far as to pay for it on Apple+ when it is free on Amazon!

Fitchburg Line Train 414 (11:25 am from Wachusett) is operating 10-20 minutes behind schedule between South Acton and North Station due to necessary track work.

Dugie’s doo rag reads “Dugie”.

I think the fella wearing the guyliner and the loud shirts wants attention!

Anybody else old enough to remember when major league teams would play a mid-season exhibition game against their AAA affiliate?

Ducking UConn baseball, URI? Sad!

Don’t be sad, Philadelphia; you’ll always have that illegal formation touchdown during the catch rule change beta test Super Bowl. And a statue!

Not being in “Celtic Pride” ended up being a blessing because that movie was Godawful.

Oh yeah, can you see them
Out on the porch
Yeah but they don’t wave
I see them
‘Round the front way, yeah
And I know and I know I don’t want to stay
Make me cry

I see
I don’t know, there’s something else
I wanna drum it all away
Oh, I said I don’t, I don’t know whether I’m the boxer or the bag.

Every player associated with that 2007-08 Celtics team should get residual payments out of every check Rivers earned as a head coach.

Say, did Janelle Monae change her hairstyle or something?

Honk if you remember Lew Tendler.

Chris Paul has won everywhere he’s been except Phoenix and Oklahoma City and Houston and Los Angeles and New Orleans and Wake Forest.

I ain’t calling a grown man ‘Scoot.’

Is Canda bussin?

Okay, fine. Return the Kraken to wherever you found it.

Selfish Tatum couldn’t get five more assists for the triple-double, caller.

Imagine being fifty years old.

WembanyanaMania!

Marcel Marceau? Shields and Yarnell? Very mimey.

Best bet for the weekend: incredible stagecraft and showmanship X3 down to Gillette Stadium from Taylor. Alison. Swift.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Bow down before the one you serve. You’re going to get what you deserve.

Don’t worry about last night’s Celtics loss: it just means Commissioner Stern wants the series to go seven games. And also for his Knicks to advance.

Area sports fans refuse to induct coach with a .500 winning percentage into team hall of fame, local media members hardest hit.

Pivetta needs to be bullpen banished. There; I said it.

If you laugh at Al Horford calling himself an elite shooter, you should have your credentials revoked. Unless he doesn’t score a single point. Not sure where I was going with this.

If we got rid of all the guns how could we shoot the horses!?! Talk sense.

Revs rudely ousted from US Open Cup competition by unheralded Pennsylvania team. Less than ideal.

Cakes are cooking for Jim Calhoun, Donovan, Bono, Randy Cunneyworth, Rony Seikaly, Julie Smith, Hélio Castroneves, Kenan Thompson, Amanda Borden, Gabriella Papadakis, and Missy Franklin.

Lukey Russert wrote a book? Supply your own punchline.

By the late ’80s, New Edition is renowned for playing basketball against other entertainers, singers, rappers & songwriters, oftentimes their tourmates. They’d challenge them during radio promo visits & throw charity basketball games for the public, notably against Full Force…

Heard a minute of it the other day (only a minute, I swear!) and Jon Wallach was complaining about how boring every NESN Red Sox color commentator is. Irony is dead.

The Celtics should start each game with a technical foul when they choose to wear an ugly alternate jersey on their iconic home parquet.

Hey gang of avid listeners! This week’s Phrase that pays is, “Who got the half-price Captain Parker’s Pub gift certificate?”

Ma Scartelli seems to think a fiily named ‘Madge’ won the Kentucky Derby. “She’s the one I would’ve bet on!”

What is “cow pink”?

A SQUIBLET is a wittily clever but trivial or throwaway comment.

Okay.

Women in sports have a difficult enough time without fratbros snickering that their headlights are on! That’s why!

Titans Hire Anthony Robinson as Assistant General Manager. A new voice added to the mix in Tennessee.

GSK has Magic doing ads for viruses that aren’t HIV? Huh.

She was the color of the Indian summer
And we shared the hours without number
Until one day when the sky turned dark
And the winds grew wild
Caught by the rain and blinded by the lightning
We rode the storm out there on Thunder Island

I always feel bad for viewers enjoying golf on NBCSportsBoston when the station abruptly cuts to Celtics Halftime Live.

Honk if you remember Kurt Loder and MTV News.

Thinking that you have to believe in Scouting OR Analytics is like thinking you have to believe in Carpentry OR Chemistry.

YOU thought this Celtics team could sweep a team with the current and past NBA MVP’s! You did!

Patriots to play Indianapolis in Frankfurt, Germany. Gut.

When is someone gonna give the millionaire actor who’s married to a Kennedy his fucking flowers???

News Item: Peter Good, designer of iconic Hartford Whalers’ logo, has died at age 80.

A:  Eleven Baby Huey ‘Noveltoon’ motion picture short features were produced between 1951 and 1959 by Paramount Pictures Famous Studios division.

Is San Diego a fun place to visit? Might go there for the Red Sox game, Let us know in the comments.

So earlier I’m watching Carlos Carrasco’s rehab start and thought I heard the announcer say someone was warming. Freaked a bit since it was only one inning in. Turns out the batter was named ‘Warming Bernabel’. (He singled.)

Disappointing but hey. Just got a text from Questlove that read simply: “Sorry pal”

Sanna Marin is officially a free agent.

The target audience for advanced statustics aren’t people with EBT cards. Sorrey!

Every guy at watching the Heat play at Miami’s American Airlines Arena looks like Andrew Cunanan.

Langstroth frames!

Celts can’t lose. They have unfin18hed business

Best bet for the weekend: scattered thunderstorms in the forecast as the Revolution visits Inter Miami CF.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Electrical banana. Is gonna be a sudden craze. Electrical banana. Is bound to be the very next phase.

I feel bad for my fellow Bruins fans, but even worse for another group: drifters.

Ameer Speed being fast is going to be confusing after that whole Lil’Jordan Humphrey situation.

Does Kyrie have any extra thyme we can borrow?

If the Bruins had won, Mayor Ryan was going to send Mayor Wu some Florida bath salts.

Cakes are cooking for Christopher Cross, Bruce Hall, Ron Hextall, Ted Crowley, Christina Hendricks, Tyronn Lue, Joseph Addai, Pom Klementiff, Brooks Koepka, and Rachel Ziegler.

Hockey isn’t even designed to break your heart.

Someone tell Kraft we all think he’s cool so he can knock it off with Meek Mill all the damn time.

Soccer comp is easy tbh. Revs won Supporters Shield two years ago then lost at home on penalties in the first round.

Sidy Sow is a great name for an offensive lineman.

The nice thing about the series loss is you find out who all the better sports fans than you are.

Hey gang of morning zookeeper coworkers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Hey good to hear from you! I’m fine thanks for not asking.”

Tom Caron would like to remind you that the Red Sox are ideally positioned to heal the city. Again.

If you’re going to lose ignominiously in the first round, at least it’s to the hockey-mad burg of Sunrise, Florida.

If any of you are feeling down, just remember that Mac is going to own.

Green Line E Branch Update: Service has resumed between Heath Street and Northeastern.

We did get one last butchered “Jurksztowicz” for the road. Pretty sure Jack just went with “Sophia Yurks” going into one intermission.

I paid extra for the brass grommets!

Well, the good news is that Jackson Mahomes is eligible to be adopted now by Andy Reid.

Is a herniated disk the same as a concussion?

A reunion: Former Packers’ WR Randall Cobb is expected to agree to a one-year deal with the New York Jets, allowing him to play with Aaron Rodgers in NY, per sources. The two men who walked off the field together in Green Bay now get to do more work to do together.

“Baseball is not boring” is a very boring catch phrase.

They love the Patriots more in Hannover, Germany than they do in Hanover, MA.

It’s a good thing there’s no failure in sports. Whew!

Just hang in there. The Yankees can buy out Aaron Hicks’ contract in 2026 for just $1 million. What’s another three years, really?

I keep checking to see if the fire department has been called out to #29 Elmwood Avenue.

Pete Blackburn like, just wears a stocking hat around the house in April?

Coach Sal sez Houck needs to change his pitch sequence.

Where are your seats?

The morning after blues. From my head down to my shoes.

Billy Beane’s famous theorem that the playoffs are “a crapshoot” seems legit.

University of Connecticut: baseball school. Question mark?

The Edmund Fitzgerald, of course was named after the man who captained marine vessels for nine different shipping lines over seventeen years, a Great Lakes record.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

Last time there was a WGA strike, the Boston Celtics won the chip…

Honk if you remember when the winds of November come early.

P.K. Subban meant to say, ‘maybe they need to pack a Mila Kunis sized lunch.’

Those Jordan’s Furniture contests get harder every year. “If any Sox player hits a ground rule double over the Green Monster off the left fielder’s head on a Wednesday, you get a free mattress.”

I’m a lifelong basketball guy, but I must say the tension of a tight Stanley Cup game is special.

But there was a drought in ancient Sumeria!

Gerri Green was on the Patriots practice squad in 2019.

Normal aging process!

Rainy Day People does sound like a Jimmy Webb tune, and I mean that as a compliment.

I’d feel worse about the local media’s anti-Bruins sentiment were it genuine. But no one believes Felger, and the ratings book shows that no one listens to Jones.

Sic transit gloria mundi, Matignon hockey.

Best bet for the weekend: the number 5 horse at finishing in the money at Churchill Downs.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Mitch Hedberg, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. When you reach the part where the heartaches come The hero would be me. Heroes often fail.

Letting the Hawks live: nice for Earth Day, bad for the NBA Playoffs.

NYC’s population of single ladies queueing up to be squired about town by confirmed bachelor Aaron Rodgers!

Klubes. Owning. Only in baseball, Danny.

Leave no doubt, Bruins.

If there were a Lamar Hunt U.S. Open Cup I think I would have heard about it before yesterday.

Brogdon’s worst quality is he looks oddly French.

Fox News should hire Katie Nolan. That spunky gal just needs a chance!

Looking for a cat friendly place to host your next event? Elks Lodge #720 in Nashua is our top choice.

Cakes are cooking for Donna De Varona, Koo Stark, Giancarlo Esposito, Kevin James, Melania Trump, Natrone Means, Chris Perry, Sarah Tueting, Kosuke Fukudome, Stana Katic, José María López, John Isner, and Aaron Judge.

It’s Nesmith not Nesmith, idiot.

He didn’t receive cootie. Cut Desiigner some slack.

Rose! More Sanka!

Hey gang of rocketry enthusiasts! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “As if the flight test was not exciting enough, Starship experienced a rapid unscheduled disassembly before stage separation!”

Congrats to all the radio talking men on the big loss last night.

Don’t talk to me about Tom Brady’s longevity. I’m more impressed by Gus Sebring, newly appointed principal horn of the Boston Symphony — after over 40 years(!) with the orchestra. Fantastic.

Trae Young looks like a doll they found in the rubble after a tornado.

Looks like I’m currently blocking 22709 accounts. It used to be far more, but then I completely cleared my block list to give people a second chance.

Harry Belafonte, dead at 96. Deadly black tarantula suspected?

Kingston Line Train 051 (1:18 pm from South Station) has departed South Station and is operating near schedule.

Jason Whitlock should consider investing in a bidet. The break even point would only be a few months.

Happy for Wrexham FC proceeding onward to Single A British football, or whatever the hell happened. Brilliant, innit?

I hope the interns aren’t swamped with DM’s about the Tkachuk shirt.

First the Raiders. Now the Athletics. Will Oakland’s NBA team be next to decamp to Las Vegas, to become the Golden Nugget Warriors?

Ironic NHL fandom for internet content!

Celtics 1-2 in the Playoffs since Jaylen insulted the father of the game.

The local municipal animal control officers caught fewer strays than my guy Gunther over this weekend.

But I won’t cry for yesterday
There’s an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find.
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive.

Coordinated yelling certain words during the national anthem is gay.

Why all the blue seats, Jonathan?

I played $2.50 blackjack off-strip in Vegas. I did!

Of each particular thing, ask: ‘What is it in itself? What is its nature?’

But metrics involve averages.

NFL draft, NHL & NBA playoffs, 2-hour MLB games…my kind of week!

Does Jaylen Brown mutter ‘FCHWPO’ under his breath when he does something boneheaded, the way Homer Simpson goes D’oh!?

Dark leafy greens!

Rex Ryan looks like a wrestling manager from a semi-pro federation in the deep south. Loser.

Honk if you remember Al Jaffee.

If Shane Bieber threw a better, more effective sweeper than anyone expected him to throw, would we call that Bieber’s Sleeper Sweeper?

His name is spelled ‘Thanasis’.

Sal? Sofa Scout? Salgernon? Sal Hany? MetamuSal?

All this Aaron Rodgers Jets hype almost has me feeling bad for the 2021-2022 NFL Shiny Object Buffalo Bills.

I can’t believe I bet money on a Revs game. I won, sure, but still.

Jimmy Butler went to the barbershop and asked to look like Whoopi Goldberg in Burglar. Nailed it!

Do baseball games seem faster somehow? Let us know in the comments.

Ime can’t wait to meet all the debutantes in Houston who now work in the Rockets front office.

Best bet for the weekend: A Thai golfer winning the JM Eagle LA Championship.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Not responsible for damage due to shopping carts.

Please consider donating to the ‘Help for Hallie Kyed’ gofundme, it’s for Doug Kyed’s young daughter. Doug, as you know, respects most of what we do. https://gofund.me/1a3dd30a

Mazzulla treating Shaughnessy like a tomato can. You love to see it.

The Angels committing two catcher interferences is just further proof the Red Sox should not be interested in Shohei Ohtani.

Are there a lot of daytime NHL Playoff games this year?

Quin Snyder looks like they just pulled him from a halfway house.

You got respect Wiggs for not selling out for a cushy ‘W’ town coaching gig with elitist brats and their entitled parental asshats. Rather, he’s going to a gritty Brockton program. Absolute respect.

Sox in 2 is going to have to pad things out for that one game!

ESPN2 does a Manning brothers thing where Stephen A Smith talks throughout an entire NBA game. Who is this for?

I know somebody’s either white trash or a trust fund kid when I have to ask, “Which stepfather was that?”

How do I set my TV audio to play at 1.25 speed so that Jack Edwards sounds normal again?

Cakes are cooking for Frank Viola, AL Unser Jr., ‘Suge’ Knight, Ashley Judd, Jeff Wilkins, Jussi Jääskeläinen, James Franco, Kate Hudson, Hayde Christensen, Joe Mauer, Candace Parker, Maria Sharapova, and Loren Gray.

On the topic of rhubarb, seeing rhubarb pie in the fruit pie section is one of my irrational pet peeves.

Fun Fact: Boston Marathon winners Joseph Chebet and Evans Chebet are both from Kenya, but are unrelated!

Worcester Line Train 513 (10:50 am from South Station) is operating 5-15 minutes behind schedule between Natick Center and Worcester.

I had no idea Bill Parcells was such an integral part of the Patriots dynasty. Eagerly awaiting Pete Carroll’s name on the ballot next year.

It took only 12 games into the season for a Red Sox pitcher to openly weep on the mound.

Hey, why is Dale Arnold still on my TV?

Turtleboy’s jacking off all over the internet and yet is worried about his kids seeing drag queens.

Two questions: Does Wiggy’s new job in the Brockton school system mean he can give up his side hustle as a Manny Ramirez impersonator and will he have to teach an English course in addition to coaching?

Just fangirled Catherine Keener at MSG.

Hey gang of consciousness expanders, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Grab me that porcupine and a watermelon. I’m about to make you hear colors.”

You paid $30 for a plane ticket. That’s on YOU.

The Eagles and Jalen Hurts agreed to terms on a 5-year, $255M contract extension that makes him the highest-paid player in NFL history, sources tell me and Tom Pelissero.

By the rude bridge that arched the flood,

   Their flag to April’s breeze unfurled,

Here once the embattled farmers stood

   And fired the shot heard round the world.

The foe long since in silence slept;

   Alike the conqueror silent sleeps;

And Time the ruined bridge has swept

   Down the dark stream which seaward creeps.

On this green bank, by this soft stream,

   We set today a votive stone;

That memory may their deed redeem,

   When, like our sires, our sons are gone.

Spirit, that made those heroes dare

   To die, and leave their children free,

Bid Time and Nature gently spare

   The shaft we raise to them and thee.

While I’m quite sure I could drop baked goods in a bag quite effectively while shitfaced, I’m not sure I’d advertise my plan to do so on social media.

Eggs, black coffee, sunshine. All we need.

Happy 100th birthday, Yankee Stadium; The Ship that Theseus Built.

Nobody watches more SNL than Gerry Callahan.

The New York Post is great at updating you on people who you never would’ve thought of again.

Honk if you remember Greg Meyer.

I wonder if any of you who play in Table Top baseball leagues have noticed this: that players who don’t figure their stats wind up hating on their best hitter. They expect their M Trout to hit .400 with a 2B in every key situation. When he doesn’t, he’s a bum. Responses welcome.

Once a Ranger, Always a Ranger.

Rupert Murdoch’s last wife was Jerry Hall? Imagine her being that old and still finding a guy richer than Mick Jagger?

The Bucks will be fine. They have a spare Antetokounmpo.

Atlanta doesn’t get to host the 2024 DNC, but does get to have the Celtics visit for the next two playoff games.

Verdugo with the two F bombs in his interview. Looks like NESN will be moving to Sirius.

Enablers!

Best bet for the weekend: Road wins for the local teams.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Ralph Waldo Emerson, BSMW poster Hacksaw, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. To be in England in the summertime (Hey) With my love (Hey) Close to the edge (Yeah)

Dale. Everett. Arnold. Three. First. Names. Enjoy retirement.

It’s Sale Day! He’ll get the Rays to allow a loss for the first time this season!

Say, was that the first news Ben Allbright has ever broken?

Jerry Thornton interacting with Super 70s Sports is the comedy version of the two Spider-Man pointing meme.

Easter is an underrated food holiday, IMO.

This Dalai Lama news is not the start to the week anyone needed. What a weird world we are living in.

Jon Rahm? That’s your name? What’s your real name? Before you changed it? Anyway, good job winning The Masters.

If Jim Nantz is my friend, why has he never helped me move?

Well, I for one completely believe the Jaylen Brown broken vase cover story.

Cakes are cooking for Herbie Hancock, David Letterman, Tom Werner, Ron MacLean, Nick Hexum, Roman Hamrlik, Claire Danes, Brian Vandborg, Brooklyn Decker, and Georgia Hall.

Why does anyone care who sponsors a product? Unless it’s David Ortiz sponsoring everything because he’s flat broke.

Felger has fooled more losers into thinking he’s an alpha male than Nick Adams

In the US: We spell certain words different than the rest of the world does. – We REFUSE to utilize the Metric System. – We call football “soccer”. – We call them chicken sandwiches but everyone else calls them “chicken burgers”.

Once the Boston media united behind the “Brogdon never starts games, which means he’s better” narrative, it was over. The Boston Sports Media machine is too powerful, too disciplined. Always has been.

Astonishingly brave of Kirk to defenestrate Gerry now that he is of no further use to him.

I thought Tibetan yak cheese (chhurpi) might be similar to Icelandic hardfiskur, which I really enjoy. It’s a very mild-flavored, extremely hard cheese you allow to soften in your mouth for one to two hours. You can’t chew it, as you can hardfiskur, as it’s far too hard.

Who does the Lama think he is; Tom Brady?

Trade: The Falcons are acquiring Lions CB Jeff Okudah, his agent Kevin Conner confirmed. Conner articulated that the GMs of the two teams involved – Detroit’s Brad Holmes and Atlanta’s Terry Fontenot – made it a seamless, collaborative process. The negotiations were described as amicable and productive throughout, as this deal represents a win-win for both sides. A fresh start for Okudah in Atlanta.

Volin was a most deserving Tournament winner.

The city of Boston is silly fancy and expensive. Not sure how all the sportswriters afford this place.

Masculine horses!

Very excited for Steve Buckley to parade around the corpse of Donnie Beardsley for the next two months.

Kutter Crawford is the new Rac Slider.

The guy who took a high interest loan to buy a Matchbox Car-sized truck is definitely pragmatic.

Blackburn gets his clothes at Build-A-Bear.

Blue Line Update: Shuttle buses continue to replace Train service between Wonderland & Revere Beach. Buses at Revere Beach will pick up/drop off on Beach St. Buses at Wonderland will pick up/drop off at the Wonderland Busway.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

That Jasmine Carson is like shorter, skinnier black female Conner Henry! So really nothing like Conner Henry, I guess.

Hey gang of Chris Pratt fans! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Go get some bitches in your life.”

I think it’s safe to say Tiger is all done as a contender. I was just reading he said he’s been in constant pain. That car accident really did him in unfortunately.

Under blue moon I saw you.
So soon you’ll take me
up in your arms, too late to beg you
or cancel it, though I know it must be

The killing time;
Unwillingly mine.

Fate.
Up against your will.
Through the thick and thin
he will wait until
you give yourself to him.

Weird that Upton Bell isn’t a fan of that popular HBO show about a powerful father and his spoiled, worthless adult children.

Alert: Mars Wrigley now makes caramel cold brew m&ms and my life has changed for the better,

Honk if you remember land speed record holder Craig Breedlove.

Quinnipiac. Nice job winning the Frozen Four. That part of Connecticut is once again part of New England.

I spit on your zither!

Get well soon whichever Morning Zookeeper lost his voice and has to step away from the show.

I’m wearing shorts over the next few days. And you can’t stop me.

Find the word that is not like the other three: A. Flag, B. Banner, C. Pennant, D. Statistic.

I’ve never actually seen a muffin tumble, have you?

DJ Bean’s ample amount of free time could have been put to better use than songwriting.

if you liked Succession you’ll love l’énigme de l’éternité.

Best bet for the weekend: your pick of the four USFL games. It’s Back.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Mitch Hedberg, BSMW poster Big Fat O, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Boom boom, out go the lights.