The 15

If the New York Times had a sports section prior to Monday, I think I would have heard about it.

Why haven’t the three-time Isobel Cup winning The Boston Pride publicly congratulated the Free Jacks?

It’s that time of the All Star break where the pitchers are ahead of the hitters.

I’ve had Electric Touch on repeat for the past two days.

I’m hearing that Red Sox 1st round pick, Kyle Teel, had a less than arousing 24 at-bat stint in the Cape Cod League. Flaccid, even.

The USWNT feels like it has two generations bridged together, which reminded me that we used to have some grades merged together growing up, like a “Grade 3/4 split”… anyone else have this? seems like a wild concept.

Cakes are cooking for Richard Simmons, Cheryl Ladd, Mel Harris, Robin Wilson, Kristi Yamaguchi, Travis Best, Brock Lesnar, Michelle Rodriguez, and Inbee Park.

very few can make a fire boom bap beat with no samples.

We need – BASEBALL needs – David Ortiz interviewing Elly De La Cruz. It would be the absolute highlight of the All-Star Game.

Your Boston Bruins All-Centennial Team Selection Committee: Ty Anderson, 98.5 The Sports Hub, Dale Arnold, Retired NESN Broadcaster, Amalie Benjamin, NHL.com, John Buccigross, ESPN, Mick Colageo, The Standard-Times, Steve Conroy, Boston Herald, Kevin Paul Dupont, Boston Globe, Jack Edwards, NESN, Mike “Doc” Emrick, Retired Broadcaster, Naoko Funayama, WCVB, Steve Garabedian, NESN, Karen Guregian, MassLive.com, Joe Haggerty, Bruins Beat Reporter, Heidi Holland, Boston Bruins, Richard Johnson, The Sports Museum, Joe McDonald, Bruins Beat Reporter, Scott McLaughlin, WEEI, Rose Mirakian-Wheeler, NESN, Jimmy Murphy, Boston Hockey Now, Matt Porter, Boston Globe, Conor Ryan, Boston.com, Season Ticket Holder Council, Boston Bruins, Fluto Shinzawa, The Athletic, Harry Sinden, Boston Bruins, Judd Sirott, 98.5 The Sports Hub, Dave Stubbs, NHL.com, Rusty Sullivan, The Sports Museum, Kathryn Tappen, TNT, Kevin Weekes, ESPN/NHLN, and Brian Zechello, NESN. Rexy, Conor, Old Friend Lefty and Shukri were snubbed.

The first thing they teach you in rehab is to attempt to reverse any accountability you’ve taken. Well played, Huggins.

Obscene bumper stickers on cars are beyond unnecessary. Children can read, set a good example.

The Immaculate Grid is the thing I’ve been unknowingly preparing for all my life.

Bourque couldn’t deliver the chip so he doesn’t get his flowers or riz.

Just in case you at home are having a hard time following the rules of the HR derby, don’t worry, so are we, too, here in the press box.

Saying hi y’all in New England should get you locked up.

Hey gang raised by two loving parents, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Maybe he’s metal bat made”.

Tweeting out free agent renouncements is always fun, because people have such vivid, and often great, memories of some of the players being renounced. But nothing will ever top tweeting out when the Kings renounced the draft rights to Dejan Bodiroga. That whole day was hilarious.

MBTA Swampscott Lot is full. Park at Swampscott HS with a free shuttle to the Station.

Shohei Ohtani in the All-Star Game on the anniversary of Babe Ruth’s debut? You can’t make this romantic-about-baseball stuff up.

Darrelle Revis Moss’d Asante Samuel.

A random little thing I love in baseball is when someone hits a weak pop-up and is so mad at himself for missing the pitch he slams down the bat.

Sunkist Fruit Gems!

What do you mean Britney should’t control her own finances? Did she give Xander Bogaerts an 11 year, 280 million contract?

Always a shame when the Bills owner’s kid gets bounced from a Grand Slam.

Looking forward to director Joseph Kosinski’s Formula One movie, Apex. Wheels open, man!

Hoodie not being aggro with DHop, Clones?

If Ray Bourque is underappreciated as a defenseman locally, it’s probably due to lingering embarrassment from that ill-advised Avalanche Stanley Cup parade.

“Rusty Sullivan” sounds like something DJ Bean pays for in the bathroom of a Southie bar.

Megan Rapinoe Is Furious With Legendary Comedian Dave Chappelle.

Biggest takeaway from the Bourne franchise is you’d think every once in a while he’d wear a hat or something.

Should the Sox be buyers at the trade deadline? Sellers? Some of both? Let us know in the comments.

Squirrels are cute until they get in your attic and fuck everything up.

Was so a real no-hitter.

Maybe Pat Fitzgerald can go coach hoops at West Virginia, Bob Huggins then goes to Northwestern. All fix!

Alexi Lalas going to be an absolute treat during the Women’s World Cup.

I’ve lost my mind
On what I’d find
And all of the pressure that I left behind
On Allison Road.

Fools in the rain
If the sun gets through
Fires in the heaven of the eyes I knew
On Allison Road.

ATTN Ocean State beachgoers, please be advised: multiple Portuguese Man-of-War (Physalia physalis) were spotted at Scarborough, Roger Wheeler, + East Matunuck State Beaches this week.

Honk if you remember the Good Humor Toasted Almond Bar.

DVOA sounds made up.

“Bob Huggins” is the name DJ Bean uses when he gives out Rusty Sullivans.

Clean your filthy mirror, then take your selfies.

Jeff Passan is really odd-looking. He’s like a ventriloquist’s dummy from the 1950’s.

Larry Bird made $24.07 million in salary during his 13-year NBA career. 53 players are already set to make more than that in this coming season alone.

Aretha Franklin had a Teddy Ballgame last will & testament?

Best bet for the weekend: flood waters receding.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, BSMW poster Lebron, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. All last summer, in case you don’t recall; I was yours and you were mine, forget it all.

Did you get here from Threads? You did not get here from Threads.

Max Kellerman, Keyshawn Johnson, Jeff Van Gundy, Jalen Rose, LaPhonso Ellis, Suzy Kolber, Chris Chelios, Joon Lee, Rob Ninkovich, Neil Everett, Jay Williams, Steve Young, Todd McShay, Jason Fitz, Matt Hasselbeck, Ashley Brewer, David Pollack, Nick Friedell, Andre Ward, Doug Kezirian, and Gene Wojciechowski are all free agents.

Is Kevin Shattenkirk Shatty, or Kirky?

LJ Sandwich’s Teal Party > Michael Rubin’s White Party

Did Grant Williams have a Weird Celtics Twitter wacky nickname? Aloha, Grant Williams.

Brayan Bello is the coolest kid you ever saw on the mound. I’m stumping for him to be nicknamed Cool Baby Bello. Or Coolbaby, if you prefer.

The elements tried to cancel the event. He beat the elements. The competition tried to take his crown. He beat the competition. 62 hot dogs eaten. An 8th straight title and 16th overall. Joseph. Christian. Chestnut. A performance for the ages.

Cakes are cooking for Fred Dryer, George W. Bush, Sylvester Stallone, Brad Park, Shelley Hack, Sultan Rakhmanov, Matt Bahr, Valerie Brisco-Hooks, Lillie Leatherwood, Inspectah Deck, Kevin Hart, Nnamdi Asomugha, and Zion Williamson.

Bruins signed James van Riemsdyk? They’ll be putting the 2013 All-star team on the ice. 

Imagine being extremely excited about being a beat reporter.

We will have to wait for Refuddled McGee to emerge from the ashes, I guess.

News Item: Red Sox outfielder Alex Verdugo feels snubbed after not being selected to the American League All-Star team.

Your New England Revolution have only three losses this season, two occurring in May.

The real losers this summer? Celtics writers.

Bertuzzi should look into hiring that nice Jewish boy to be his new agent.

Scott Baio is a “legendary” actor in the same way that Bigfoot is a “legendary” creature — rarely captured on film over the last few decades.

The syntax changes from Python 2 to Python 3 were definitely a step in the right direction.

Coming this fall: Season 23 of ‘So You Think You Can Shit In Public’!

Orange Line: Delays of about 15 minutes due to a Train with a mechanical issue at Back Bay.

What happened to The Hockey News? THN used to be a prestigious news source, now it reads like it was written by badly programmed AI. Especially the Bruins team page. What gives?

Hey gang of hard cap enthusiasts! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Keith says it hard caps at the 2nd apron. There was no second apron before.”

There’s something so calm and soothing about a summer morning rain.

Fall River is a town.

“Bussin’ With The Boys.” For reals? What, was ‘Too Many Men In My Pants’ already spoken for as a podcast name?

The Confederation of North, Central America and Caribbean Association Football szn.

The Bruins signed a guy named Geekie? this sounds like a setup for a derivative Canadian comedy routine, ‘Who’s the First Line Centre?’ by the duo of Abboot and Costelleh.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

With a thrill in my head and a pill on my tongue
Dissolve the nerves that have just begun
Listening to Marvin (all night long)
This is the sound of my soul
This is the sound

Always slipping from my hands
Sand’s a time of its own
Take your seaside arms and write the next line
I want the truth to be known.

If travelling along the surface roads to Logan, be sure to being your Eastie Tagalog phrasebook with you.

Cooper Flagg 1 Cam Boozer 0

What a weekend. What a win for Shane van Gisbergen!! Unbelievable job by NASCAR and the city of Chicago pulling this off.

Honk if you remember Friendly’s Wattamelon Roll.

Your commuter school alma mater hasn’t fielded a football team in 25 years so how ’bout you shut your clam about who the UMass Amherst squad will play, Gilligan?

I’m holding out for the Fiddlr app myself.

It’s going to be several days until a still shell-shocked from fireworks and having to watch people barbecuing Scott Kacsmar learns that Aaron Schatz has resigned from Football Outsiders.

Tim Legler’s tan looks real, why do you ask?

Best bet for the weekend: 20th year of Fox 25 Zip Trips, this one to Dedham on Friday!

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Mitch Hedberg, BSMW poster Lefty, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. These are my salad days. Slowly being eaten away. Just another play for today.

Humid enough for ya?

I hope that Kevin Garnett bites his tongue when talking about Celtics draft pick Jordan Walsh.

So long Hallsy and Fliggsy.

This Shams thing reminds me Martha Stewart assured me that Ben Gordon would go #2 overall in the 2004 draft.

A Selkie, a Vezina, a Jack Adams and 1st & 2nd Team All-Star slots for the B’s. None too shabby.

Not sure calling Smart the heartbeat of the team is the compliment it’s intended to be when that team has mostly underperformed in six straight playoff series, Dr. Mudge.

Alex Verdugo is closing in on the long-believed untouchable Red Sox team record of grandmothers dying during the season of five, currently held by Manny Ramirez.

There’s a time to compliment someone on their Throw Power rating in Madden, but it’s not in the immediate aftermath of their tragic untimely death.

Cakes are cooking for John Elway, Michele Timms, John Cusack, Mary Stuart Masterson, Danielle Brisebois, Elon Musk, Kenny Cunningham, Alessandro Nivola, Marvin Jones (Hi Marv!), Kellie Pickler, Kevin De Bruyne, and Elaine Thompson-Helah.

Malcolm Brogdon is still a #BleedGreen.

The best BBQ in Boston is in Winthrop. And the best Himalayan food in Winthrop is in Tewksbury!

If you stay ready you never have to GET ready…

Kay Adams sounds like Tom Haverford in that Dick’s Sporting Goods commercial. She does!

It’s fun to get dressed up.

Never trust a guy with Air Monarchs. It’s right up there with don’t play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city.

I hope Putin tells us if he got home safe from work or not.

Hey gang of transracial trailblazers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, ‘I’m on that Obama-level, which means you can’t see me.’

‘Alec Regula’ sounds like a character name from that Harry Potter prequel series no one cared about.

Jazz hands!!

I like the Big Cat. Seems to like sports, pretends he’s from Chicago, keeps the show moving along…

Orange Line Update: Southbound delays of more than 30 minutes due to fire department activity near Tufts Medical Center. Riders are encouraged to use Green Line service between North Station and Back Bay

Trammell in the Hall of Fame without Whitaker is like Gehrig without Ruth, like Groucho without Harpo, like Burns without Allen, Rogers without Hammerstein.

Framingham’s Own Reilly Walsh. Definitely good in the handshake line. #sporting

Revs U-19 won MLS Next for the second straight year.

I just got sent a presentation from a company that wants to do business with mine that was voiced over by… Gary Tanguay.

We skipped the light fandango
Turned cartwheels ‘cross the floor.
I was feeling kinda seasick.
But the crowd called out for more.
The room was humming harder
As the ceiling flew away
When we called out for another drink
The waiter brought a tray.

And so it was that later
As the miller told his tale.
That her face, at first just ghostly
Turned a whiter shade of pale.

I have mixed feelings about Hall. While he was a good player he should have been much better considering he was the No 1 pick.

Plainridge Park Casino?

Random thought — the Angels have not had a captain since 1982 (Don Baylor). Um, Mike Trout? Hello? What are they waiting for?

Honk if you remember the Cosmic Muffin Darrell Martinie.

if Roseanne thinks the Jews don’t like fishing shows, how does she explain her buddy Tom Werner keeping Charlie Moore around?

Sometimes I sit around wondering what numbers will be left for the 2090 Boston Celtics to use on their team jerseys and then I remember the planet probably will be uninhabitable by then anyway.

The thing that really makes this upsetting is that he was a nice guy to the media.

Adama Sanogo!

Can Lucy be sued for advising taking the Red Sox money line every damn day?

The Dakota Kai Kairopractor is nuts.

French labor unions think Dondero should work more hours.

Best bet for the weekend: the dreaded, ‘Players Only’ closed door meeting.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Joe Posnanski, BSMW posters Big Fat O & Jforb, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Though I hoped for something to find I could see no maze to unwind.

Can a Celtics trade for Porzingis be on, then fall apart seven hours later, and then be on again?

I don’t ever remember less buzz over a Red Sox sweep of the Yankees than that.

Did Jack Jones think guns are like starting quarterbacks and if you have two of them you have none?

Nothing has been the same after the USGA turtled post Shinnecock.

Say, isn’t ‘shinnecock’ a Turtleboy insult?

Bruins sign goalie Brandon Bussi to a one-year, two-way contract extension through the 2023-24 season with an NHL cap hit of $775,000. Bussin’.

Cakes are cooking for Kris Kristofferson, Elizabeth Warren, Meryl Streep, Cyndi Lauper, Bruce Campbell, Clyde Drexler, David Frisch, Kurt Warner, Champ Bailey, Joey Cheek, Ian Kinsler, and Dustin Johnson.

I mean, there’s at least a chance the minisub found refuge in one of the Titanic’s watertight compartments, right?

Not too often somebody with one name sings the anthem at a baseball game. But a good job by Boston’s own Jyshoun.

UFC expertly blends violence with homoeroticism so it naturally plays well in America right now.

I thought Rick Reilly died with Kobe.

Seeing these Miley Cyrus Super Bowl rumors and … why not The Killers? I know they don’t do local but that seems to make sense on all levels.

Update: Kingston Line Train 043 (8:25 am from South Station) is operating 15-25 minutes behind schedule between Quincy Center and Kingston due to the late arrival of equipment.

Fun baseball weather is that it’s raining but you also need sunglasses.

The secret is the Merritt Parkway instead of 95.

Linda Holliday and Ja Morant: both sidelined because of their guns.

Hey gang of cupcake tulips, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “No cookies for JoJo?”

If you see the letters “SF” and you think “Sacrifice Fly” before you get to “San Francisco”, you have definitely been spending too much time studying baseball statistics.

Drove past a realtor sign that said ‘Sale Pending.’ Isn’t he always?

Jets S Chuck Clark suffered a torn ACL and is out for the season, sources said following the MRI. Clark, who NYJ traded for, also received a second opinion. This explains the signing of veteran DB Adrian Amos, who fills the void.

‘Kristaps Porzingis’ sounds like an exclamation Latka or Balki might utter.

They should make the boarding order for airplanes window seats, then middle, then aisle seats.

Grilled blueberry muffins!

Mattapan Trolley: Delays of up to 15 minutes due to a trolley with a mechanical problem near Cedar Grove.

I think I like the Red Sox city connect uniforms now?

Safe to say the Golden Knights are the most successful expansion team story ever.

What percentage of handicap index do you guys use in modified alternate shot match play? Let us know in the comments.

Bob Huggins needed to get home.

That video of Jack Jones’ lawyer is gonna live in my head utterly rent free for a while.

Marcus was just traded to Memphis, he wasn’t aboard the OceanGate Titan. Ease off the emotion throttle.

Jai Alai is overdue for a comeback.

I done broke the #1 cardinal rule of Italian cooking tonight: used a different brand of breadcrumbs than usual for cutlets. never again. shame me if you must.

I knew you before the west was won.
And I heard you say the past
was much more fun.
You go your way, I go mine,
But I’ll see you next time

It’s all been done,
It’s all been done,
It’s all been done before.

There ought to be laws preventing the English language from being tortured in such a way to arrive at that LEBRON player impact stat acronym.

Honk if you remember the Glomar Explorer.

The BlueChew twitter ads make me long for the subtle innuendo of the Frank Thoman Nugenix commercials.

Table Boston has the best Rosemary Scapicchio in town.

Any holiday that creates further awareness of Confederate perfidy can’t be half-bad.

A: Gene Krupa.

LSU should change their name to the Fightin’ Olivia Dunns.  They drag that girl everywhere.

Do the other members of the Oklahoma Sooners coaching staff consider Jeff Lebby to be ‘Big Jeff from work?’

Best bet for the weekend: WembanyamaMania!

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Old Friend Rabbit, BSMW poster Lebron and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Birchmount Stadium Home of the Robbie.

Don’t touch Himmy!

News Item: Nick Taylor wins Canadian Open, first time a Canadian has won since 1954. So you got that goin’ for you, Canadian NHL squads.

Type ‘Canadian’ more.

Yes, I definitely want to hear that you’re happy for Coach Cassidy.

The Sox PR department is losing its mojo. You gotta sneak middling guys with racists/sexist/homophobic social media postings onto the roster at 6pm on the Friday before a long weekend or 30 minutes before a Bruins/Celtics game 7.

Just sayin’, but the kid’s nickname isn’t ‘Baby Kelce.’

It’s getting a touch late in the season to be hovering around .500, Red Sox.

Volin must be horrified two of his Miami teams did the worst possible thing in professional sports: reach the finals and lose. C’s & B’s wisely dodged that bullet.

Vanderpump? What is that, Dutch?

Cakes are cooking for Rod Argent, Donald Trump, Will Patton, Fred Funk, Eric Heiden, Eugene Chung, Steffi Graf, A, J. Mleczko, Diablo Cody, and Lucy Hale.

Between Unabomber Ted and that Hanssen traitor croaking there’s some vacant cells available in Federal prison.

Of course Aaron Rodgers was at the Tony Awards.

Congratulations to Arcangelo & trainer Jena Antonucci for a thrilling and historic win at the Belmont Stakes.

I just be letting people cap.

Worcester Line Train 506 (7:00 am from Worcester) is operating 5-15 minutes behind schedule between Framingham and South Station.

Is Tanya Ray in the running for the vacated Shannon Sharpe spot on whichever sports yelling show he was on?

Tree frog!

It’s been less than a week that I have known of the song “Lost in the Woods” from Frozen 2, a movie I’ve not seen. This is my favorite song. It’s a wonderful tribute to David Foster/Peter Cetera hits of the 80s. Good on Frozen 2.

Instead of saying “a non-Power Five coach told me” Russillo should say “Trent Dilfer told me.”

That Peleton instructor Jess King seems like a nice lady.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny!

Aloha means ‘goodbye’. Aloha, Bob Kravitz.

Do you think other birds are jealous of cardinals?

Denver may have played all lower-seeded teams, but they did beat Jimmy Butler, who I’ve been told is the greatest, most clutch basketball player of all time. Incredible accomplishment.

Whenever Kung Fu Fighting comes on my playlist in the car I simply have to turn it up. Not apologizing.

I hope Asteroid City is sufficiently twee.

Patriots roster is now back at 90 after bringing back Justus Tavai.

You do not mess with “New York, New York.” It’s too perfect to make it about you.

Do YOU have a blog on a tertiary NHL website?

The people who don’t pay any attention to the “old” baseball statistics (Wins, RBI, Batting Average) are exactly like the people who won’t pay any attention to the new statistics. They just parked on the other side of the road, that’s all.

And if they stare
Just let them burn their eyes
On you moving
And if they shout
Don’t let it change a thing
That you’re doing

Hold your head up, woman
Hold your head up, woman
Hold your head up, woman
Hold your head high.

This is not Pat Cooper. Please find a correct photo if you’re going to honor him.

Honk if you remember Arrogate.

Did Paul Pierce ever party with Silvio Berlusconi? I hope so. RIP, bunga bunga man.

A fine showing for your return to Le Mans, NASCAR.

Tough break in the CWS, Texas. I blame Rosenblatt Stadium, or whatever it’s called now, being as poorly illuminated as the Palestra or the Dallas Sportatorium.

Candace Parker had – 400 odds to win Celebrity Jeopardy? That’s not too shabby. What? That was her final score? Oh.

When I say ‘D’, you say ‘HOP!’ D! (pause) D! (pause) (did you do it?)

Third Eye Blind is background bar music now?

Like The Athletic was ever going to fire Buckley during Pride Month.

Be nice to your veterinary staff.

Is there anybody who is bipolar and doesn’t let people know at every chance? They’re like vegans, or CrossFit enthusiasts, or people from Texas.

Everyone please have a safe and happy Flag Day.

With the final day of minicamp called off, maybe the Patriots beat writers could use the freed up time to shop for some decent clothes, the kind that fit?

Best bet for the weekend: The phone not ringing at Gerry Callahan’s on Father’s Day.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Mitch Hedberg, BSMW poster Laszlo Panaflex and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Well, let me tell you ’bout the way she looked the way she’d act and the color of her hair. Her voice was soft and cool, her eyes were clear and bright but she’s not there.

“I Am Outraged about the PGA-LIV Golf merger announcement! It’s all about the MONEY!” – representatives of an industry that can be bought off by a table of free pizzas.

Every single time you see Kenley Jansen, either on TV or around the ballpark, he’s mentoring some young pitcher on the staff.

Weren’t the Cardiac Huskies at Day 2 of Boston Calling? Because they weren’t at Day 2 of the CWS.

Happy (belated) Birthday to the great @ronniewood. There’s only one Ronnie Wood.

You’d think Chris Gasper as the originator of the reverse layup would understand basketball better. But you would be wrong.

Say ‘air quality’ more.

Cakes are cooking for Liam Neeson, Bill Koch, Janice Lawrence Braxton, Gia Carides, Mick Foley, Karl Urban, Bill Hader, Keegan Bradley, Milan Lucic, Iggy Azalea, and Emily Ratajkowski.

I loved “Air.” I knew I was going to like it just from opening montage to movie that’s a love letter to growing up in the 1980’s. Makes total sense given I’m around same age as Ben Affleck & Matt Damon and grew up in the same area with the same kind of experiences. Totally spoke to me.

A muumuu can be repurposed by tucking it into your pants and rolling up the sleeves.

When I want a deep, thoughtful reflection on the perils of doing business with an autocratic government who funds terrorism, I go to the guy who plays golf for a living and fucks Wayne Gretzky’s daughter.

Hey gang of butt-dialers! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “We’ve got crackers, and cheese!”

Middleborough Line Train 014 (11:28 am from Middleborough/Lakeville) is operating 5-15 minutes behind schedule between Holbrook/Randolph and South Station due to a mechanical issue.

OTA Scuffle SZN!

RIP, Astrud Gilberto. I bet Dottie was fond of that ‘Girl With Emphysema’ song.

Floramo’s moved to Wakefield and Malden.

I hate how cynical my mind is when watching movies now. Just saw the Titanic scene where the mother is singing her kids to sleep as the boat is sinking. 10 years ago I’m like ‘how touching’. Now I am like “yeah the rush of freezing cold water isn’t gonna wake them up or anything”.

No Home Run celebration chains on the field? You know what NCAA stands for: No Fun League.

The Falcons announce that punt returner Avery Williams is out for the year with a torn ACL, a non-contact injury from practice.

A lot of people think new Celtics assistant coach Sam Cassell looks like E.T. Not so. He looks like Lou Gossett Jr’s Drac from Enemy Mine.

News Item: Jacob deGrom to go under deKnife to get deTommy John surgery.

Killing a reporter? Who does Prince Mohammed bin Salman think he is; Clark County Public Administrator Robert Telles?

Wegmans in Natick is closing and I’m not ok about it.

Red Line: Delays of about 15 minutes southbound due to a disabled Train at Harvard. The Train has been removed from service.

Messi to MLS Miami?

Does Hacksaw Jim Duggan have to be buried with the Iron Shiek?

What’s new pussycat? Whoa, whoa, whoa
What’s new pussycat? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Pussycat, pussycat,
I’ve got flowers and lots of hours to spend with you.
So go and powder your cute little pussycat nose
Pussycat, pussycat, I love you, yes, I do,
You and your pussycat nose.

As long as Boston sports media exists, Awaken 180 will have an unlimited supply of potential spokesmen.

Honk if you remember Stan Getz.

MAX has “The Outsiders” but no “Rumble Fish”… There’s “Casino Royale”, “Quantum Of Solace” but no “Skyfall”… Or “Spectre” or the OTHER Bond film I never saw before. Weird.

Our Friends The Saudis better not put Paulina Gretzky in a burka!

Did you know that over the last five seasons (2019-2023) Marcus Semien has more WAR than Mike Trout–and it isn’t remotely close. “Close” would be 2%, maybe 5%. Over 5 years, Semien beats Trout in WAR by a whopping 24%.

I like onion bunz. Nice pattie. Pepper Jack cheese. Fire!!

Hey, more free hoodies.

Bermuda Shorts Are Back, and They’re Officially Celebrity Approved.

NASCAR used to be guys named Matt and Jimmie. And now it’s guys named Ryan and Ross.

The Sheiky wearing a keffiyeh was like Jamie Lee Curtis’s Ophelia in Trading Places costumed as a Swede wearing lederhosen.

When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.

Seven years ago you were werried about the goriller!?

“It looks like something Zach Snyder filmed.” Fitzy thinks Denis Villaneuve is the backup goalie for the Calgary Flames.

Best bet for the weekend: a three-year-old horse. You heard it here first!

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Mitch Hedberg, cell phone pictures of computer monitors, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. My house in Budapest. My, my hidden treasure chest.

See? Just win one game 4 times. All fix.

Coach Cassidy has his Las Vegas Golden Knights playing with the intensity of, well, the regular season Bruins.

A prior tweet said Chad Ryland replaced Cajuste. The sort in my column was incorrect.

The billboard? Great idea. No possible downside.

Fun Fact: Adrian Wojnarowski and Ime Udoka have the same agent.

Let’s see about plating some runs in the near future, Red Sox.

So there. For the 92nd time since 1918, there will be no Triple Crown winner.

Be more obvious Jaylen is one of your locker room sources, Gary Washburn.

Cakes are cooking for Bobby Zimmerman, Joe Dumars, Pat Verbeek, Ricky Craven, Troy Barnett, Will Sasso, Katie King-Crowley, Brad Penny, G-Eazy, and Joey Logano.

Brooks Koepka may have won the PGA Championship, but Michael Block won the crowd.

A squirrel! At a baseball game! Unbelievable!!

Viv Trimble died? I didn’t even know she was sick. Rest in peace.

Worcester Line Train 512 (10:00 am from Worcester) is operating 5-15 minutes late between Wellesley Farms and South Station.

I hope Glen Kuiper has learned his lesson. Never attempt to express enthusiasm about anything.

OTAs? LFG!

When you idly wonder whether you can use “crapulence” in a story, go to Google, and discover Alex Speier has dropped it twice in the last three years.

Have the Miami Heat quit on their coach? That’s the effort late in a close out game at home? Smdh.

Not that anybody cares, but one of the most underrated players of all time was teammate Willie Randolph. Willie has a hell of a lot better Hall of Fame case than Munson does.

After roughly three months of not being able to throw, Brock Purdy can begin throwing next week…

Imagine white knighting for liver thief Bill Speros.

Greg Bedard will face unemployment before any NFL special teams coaches do. Loser.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I always knew that big-sideburned renegade was a bad influence!”

The 3 greatest voice actors for modern era animated shows are Cree Summer, E.G. Daily & Tara Strong… 3 of the most crushed on actresses of the modern era are Cree Summer, E.G. Daily & Tara Strong…

All that ridiculous free throw disparity and the NBA still couldn’t drag Los Angeles into the Finals.

LIV Golf drawing WEEI like ratings? Sad.

It’s amazing that Dan Lifshatz is able to have all this action when he’s been shut off by every book. Unless…

Red Route One you arrogant ass! You killed us!

Honk if you remember the 1951 NY Knicks forcing a game 7 against the Rochester Royals.

So what other movies was Dart Adams not in? Let us know in the comments.

Johnny’s in the basement mixin’ up the medicine
I’m on the pavement, thinkin’ about the government
The man in the trench coat, badge out, laid off
Says he’s got a bad cough, wants to get it paid off.

Nice work responding to the St. John’s Prep false alarm, Officer Bumbles.

NFL pretending it cares about player safety.

FYI if you own a G-Wagon and parked it outside Mike’s Pastry in the North End, it just got towed away for street cleaning.

A. Matt McCarthy

Think you can outsmart the Low Stakes Unit more. You can’t!

Does ‘Bronny’ (Sideshow Bob groan) even want to play on the same team as his dad?

Maybe Jaylen can take another whack at Springfield by debuting a fresh pair of ‘Was Dr. Suess Racist?’ sneakers for game 5.

Great gesture by Jeff Howe to raise money to help people who actually do have cancer.

Looking forward to posting to the Sons of Tristan Casas message board in 2043.

Best bet for the weekend: the NE Revolution righting the ship in their match against the visiting Chicago Fire.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. With my naked eye I saw all the falling rain coming down on me. With my naked eye I saw all if I said it all I could see.

is 51 points in a game seven good?

Where have you gone, Coach Bruce Cassidy? A lonely local media turns its eyes to you. Wooh, wooh, wooh.

Aloha means ‘goodbye’. Aloha, Ryan Brasier.

Clearly a member of the LottaCulchahPretzelTown Podcast crew wanted to record ‘right after the game.’

Nikola Jokić. Good fundamentals. Gritty. Plays the game the right way.

Kevin Paul Dupont just wanted someone else to run with his specious McAvoy, Ullmark & DeBrusk trade for Connor Bedard article so he can then go on the radio and get some gift cards.

The NFL officially blew it by not scheduling one of the Steelers/Ravens Dark Place games for Black Friday.

Doc is here? Doc is not here. Doc has been granted his walking papers,

Which column gets recycled more, Buckley’s Donnie Beardsley one or Ger Callahan’s Thanksgiving one?

Cakes are cooking for Norv Turner, Jim Nantz, Enya, Jon Koncak, Trent Reznor, Dave Abbruzzese, Paige Turco, Jordan Knight, Gina Raimondo, Sasha Alexander, Tony Parker, and Matt Ryan.

After a Rivalry Week loss, Revs look to take things out on Philadephia Union.

MLB saw no evidence of cheating by the NY Yankees. MLB’s HQ is at 1271 Avenue of the Americas. Also in New York City. Amazing but true!

Hey, gang of helpers! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Those old CONSONANTS were confusing!”

They should make mini duckboats. Duckling boats.

Once I placed an order at a local pizza place in Natick, or so I thought. They didn’t have it, the Framingham location had it. I went to Framingham and ate my pizza. Both stores are now closed. The Natick store is still empty, Framingham store is now a dispensary.

Rui Hachimura does not warrant being capitalized.

AIR was highly entertaining with some good laughs. The performances and script keep it humming along. And Viola Davis practically steals the movie with her sublimely subdued work. Definitely recommend. I would even go so far as to pay for it on Apple+ when it is free on Amazon!

Fitchburg Line Train 414 (11:25 am from Wachusett) is operating 10-20 minutes behind schedule between South Acton and North Station due to necessary track work.

Dugie’s doo rag reads “Dugie”.

I think the fella wearing the guyliner and the loud shirts wants attention!

Anybody else old enough to remember when major league teams would play a mid-season exhibition game against their AAA affiliate?

Ducking UConn baseball, URI? Sad!

Don’t be sad, Philadelphia; you’ll always have that illegal formation touchdown during the catch rule change beta test Super Bowl. And a statue!

Not being in “Celtic Pride” ended up being a blessing because that movie was Godawful.

Oh yeah, can you see them
Out on the porch
Yeah but they don’t wave
I see them
‘Round the front way, yeah
And I know and I know I don’t want to stay
Make me cry

I see
I don’t know, there’s something else
I wanna drum it all away
Oh, I said I don’t, I don’t know whether I’m the boxer or the bag.

Every player associated with that 2007-08 Celtics team should get residual payments out of every check Rivers earned as a head coach.

Say, did Janelle Monae change her hairstyle or something?

Honk if you remember Lew Tendler.

Chris Paul has won everywhere he’s been except Phoenix and Oklahoma City and Houston and Los Angeles and New Orleans and Wake Forest.

I ain’t calling a grown man ‘Scoot.’

Is Canda bussin?

Okay, fine. Return the Kraken to wherever you found it.

Selfish Tatum couldn’t get five more assists for the triple-double, caller.

Imagine being fifty years old.

WembanyanaMania!

Marcel Marceau? Shields and Yarnell? Very mimey.

Best bet for the weekend: incredible stagecraft and showmanship X3 down to Gillette Stadium from Taylor. Alison. Swift.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Bow down before the one you serve. You’re going to get what you deserve.

Don’t worry about last night’s Celtics loss: it just means Commissioner Stern wants the series to go seven games. And also for his Knicks to advance.

Area sports fans refuse to induct coach with a .500 winning percentage into team hall of fame, local media members hardest hit.

Pivetta needs to be bullpen banished. There; I said it.

If you laugh at Al Horford calling himself an elite shooter, you should have your credentials revoked. Unless he doesn’t score a single point. Not sure where I was going with this.

If we got rid of all the guns how could we shoot the horses!?! Talk sense.

Revs rudely ousted from US Open Cup competition by unheralded Pennsylvania team. Less than ideal.

Cakes are cooking for Jim Calhoun, Donovan, Bono, Randy Cunneyworth, Rony Seikaly, Julie Smith, Hélio Castroneves, Kenan Thompson, Amanda Borden, Gabriella Papadakis, and Missy Franklin.

Lukey Russert wrote a book? Supply your own punchline.

By the late ’80s, New Edition is renowned for playing basketball against other entertainers, singers, rappers & songwriters, oftentimes their tourmates. They’d challenge them during radio promo visits & throw charity basketball games for the public, notably against Full Force…

Heard a minute of it the other day (only a minute, I swear!) and Jon Wallach was complaining about how boring every NESN Red Sox color commentator is. Irony is dead.

The Celtics should start each game with a technical foul when they choose to wear an ugly alternate jersey on their iconic home parquet.

Hey gang of avid listeners! This week’s Phrase that pays is, “Who got the half-price Captain Parker’s Pub gift certificate?”

Ma Scartelli seems to think a fiily named ‘Madge’ won the Kentucky Derby. “She’s the one I would’ve bet on!”

What is “cow pink”?

A SQUIBLET is a wittily clever but trivial or throwaway comment.

Okay.

Women in sports have a difficult enough time without fratbros snickering that their headlights are on! That’s why!

Titans Hire Anthony Robinson as Assistant General Manager. A new voice added to the mix in Tennessee.

GSK has Magic doing ads for viruses that aren’t HIV? Huh.

She was the color of the Indian summer
And we shared the hours without number
Until one day when the sky turned dark
And the winds grew wild
Caught by the rain and blinded by the lightning
We rode the storm out there on Thunder Island

I always feel bad for viewers enjoying golf on NBCSportsBoston when the station abruptly cuts to Celtics Halftime Live.

Honk if you remember Kurt Loder and MTV News.

Thinking that you have to believe in Scouting OR Analytics is like thinking you have to believe in Carpentry OR Chemistry.

YOU thought this Celtics team could sweep a team with the current and past NBA MVP’s! You did!

Patriots to play Indianapolis in Frankfurt, Germany. Gut.

When is someone gonna give the millionaire actor who’s married to a Kennedy his fucking flowers???

News Item: Peter Good, designer of iconic Hartford Whalers’ logo, has died at age 80.

A:  Eleven Baby Huey ‘Noveltoon’ motion picture short features were produced between 1951 and 1959 by Paramount Pictures Famous Studios division.

Is San Diego a fun place to visit? Might go there for the Red Sox game, Let us know in the comments.

So earlier I’m watching Carlos Carrasco’s rehab start and thought I heard the announcer say someone was warming. Freaked a bit since it was only one inning in. Turns out the batter was named ‘Warming Bernabel’. (He singled.)

Disappointing but hey. Just got a text from Questlove that read simply: “Sorry pal”

Sanna Marin is officially a free agent.

The target audience for advanced statustics aren’t people with EBT cards. Sorrey!

Every guy at watching the Heat play at Miami’s American Airlines Arena looks like Andrew Cunanan.

Langstroth frames!

Celts can’t lose. They have unfin18hed business

Best bet for the weekend: scattered thunderstorms in the forecast as the Revolution visits Inter Miami CF.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Electrical banana. Is gonna be a sudden craze. Electrical banana. Is bound to be the very next phase.