Category Archives: NFL
Football Cat’s Week 18 Picks
Happy New Year! Welcome to 2025 and the final week of the NFL regular season. Unlike almost every team in the league, Football Cat is going to give a full 100% effort in Week 18. There will be no tanking nor relaxing at this address. Although I do find staring at a fish tank very relaxing.
SATURDAY DINNER TIME
Browns at Ravens (-17.5)
Scary Black Birds feast on stale Brownies
SATURDAY PROWL TIME
Bengals (-1.5) at Steelers
Stripey Cats get the W but not a spot in the ‘yoffs
SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Panthers at Falcons (-8.5)
Black Cats smack down a flaccid Penix
Commanders (-4.5) at Cowboys
Commies win and get in
Bears at Packers (-9)
Hibernating Bears get ground up by Meat Men
Jaguars at Colts (-4.5)
Spotty Cats trampled by Horsies
Bills (-2.5) at Patriots
Patriots finish the season the same way it started with an idiotic Gatorade bath for Coach Mayo
Giants at Eagles (-3)
G-men do more damage to their draft position
Saints at Buccaneers (-13)
Bucs plow through New Orleans
Texans at Titans (-1)
Tits hold firm against Texans backups
SUNDAY DINNER TIME
49ers at Cardinals (-4.5)
Pretty Red Birds fly high into the off-season
Chiefs at Broncos (-11)
Broncos win by default
Seahawks (-5.5) at Rams
Fake Sea Birds romp over resting Rams
Chargers (-5.5) at Raiders
Never forget that Kraft didn’t even bother to interview Brother Jim
Dolphins (-1.5) at Jets
The incoming Undersecretary for Health and Human Services closes out his NFL career with a win
SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Vikings at Lions (-3)
Jungle Kings nosh on Nordic knee caps
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Football Cat’s Week 17 Picks
Happy New Year from Football Cat!
Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind? The answer is a resounding “YES”! It’s best to leave the past in the past. Your New Year’s resolution should be to not dwell on lost loves and move forward. New year, new you. Don’t spend your nights listening to Spotify and crying yourself to sleep over what might have been with Olivia or Jackie or Brad. Lift a cup of kindness and throw it right in their face!
Or you could just resolve to stop drinking again.
SATURDAY LUNCH TIME
Chargers (-4) at Patriots
Patriots shock the Bolts like it’s 1985
SATURDAY DINNER TIME
Broncos at Bengals (-3)
Stripey Cats keep their playoff chances alive
SATURDAY PROWL TIME
Cardinals at Rams (-6)
Rams rout Red Birds
SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Colts (-7.5) at Giants
Giant tank job continues
Jets at Bills (-10)
McDermott’s men hijack Jets and send them crashing back to Earth
Titans at Jaguars (-1)
Spotty Cats can’t handle Tits
Raiders (-1.5) at Saints
Raiders win again, they must really hate the idea of drafting Shedeur Sanders.
Panthers at Buccaneers (-8)
Scary Black Cats sink Bucs
Cowboys at Eagles (-9.5)
American Birds keep the pressure on the Jungle Kings
SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Dolphins at Browns (-6.5)
Elves shelve Miami
Packers at Vikings (-1.5)
Vikings mince Meat Men
SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Falcons at Commanders (-4)
Commies swamp Falcons
MONDAY PROWL TIME
Lions (-3.5) at 49ers
Jungle Kings poach Prospectors’ patellas
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Football Cat’s Week 16 Picks
City sidewalks, busy sidewalks, dressed in holiday style, in the air there’s a feeling of Christmas. And in the spirit of the holiday season, the animals of The 15, and animals adjacent to The 15, have pooled their meager resources and gifted Football Cat a well deserved week off.
SATURDAY LUNCH TIME
Texans at Chiefs (-2.5)
Marv thinks that, while the Chiefs may appear harmless, KC will suddenly snap and go for the Texans jugular.
SATURDAY DINNER TIME
Steelers at Ravens (-6.5)
Jocko isn’t a fan of the Black Birds, he takes the Steelers.
SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Cardinals (-4.5) at Panthers
Jocko also isn’t a fan of the Black Cats, he takes the Cardinals.
Giants at Falcons (-9)
Rams (-3) at Jets
Spuckie the rat loves both New York teams to at least cover.
Lions (-6.5) at Bears
Gus takes Detroit in a huge bounce back game in chilly Chicago after a loss against Buffalo.
Titans at Colts (-3.5)
Millie says to lay it all on the Tits
Eagles (-3.5) at Commanders
Remi takes the Eagles over the Commanders.
Browns at Bengals (-7.5)
The Cleveland Pig digs the Browns (and truffles).
SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Vikings (-3) at Seahawks
Loki wishes he could fly like a real non-existent Seahawk.
Jaguars at Raiders (-1)
And Jocko really doesn’t like the Black Hole!
49ers at Dolphins (-1)
Jasper would prefer backing a team from Virginia Beach, but Miami Beach is a close second.
Patriots at Bills (-14)
Bo has unwavering faith in the Coach Quick Slants.
SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Buccaneers (-4) at Cowboys
Dooze loves the Cowboys especially when they play with their roof open.
MONDAY PROWL TIME
Saints at Packers (-13.5)
Paco backs the Meat Men, preferably with a nice coating of Rub Smoke Love BEEF CAKE premium all-natural beef rub and seasoning.
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Football Cat’s Week 15 Picks
Interns beware! It’s that festive time of year again, tonight is the “The 15’s Annual Office Holiday Party”. ( It used to be the “The 15’s Annual Office Christmas Party”, but Carl did 23andMe this past year and, oy gevalt, he’s suddenly kosher.) But have no fear! Whether you spin the dreidel, or your savior was born in a stable, all you have to do is follow Football Cat’s 7 simple tips for a funtastic Office Holiday Party…
- Show Up: You do not want to be labeled as a party pooper. Get your ass to the party, they’ll be free drinks (see Tip #2).
- Drink: Drink! There’s nothing people like more than talking about the person who had too much to drink at the office party. You’re just providing a public service.
- Eat: If you don’t eat, you’ll get drunk too fast (see Tip #2). It’s science.
- Dance: On the floor, on the table (see Tip #2) , whatever it takes.
- Talk to the Big Boss: Make sure you’ve had a couple of drinks first (see Tip #2) . And make it quick. Get in, get out. Don’t linger.
- Play Your Transportation By Ear: You’re going to drink (see Tip #2) so don’t drive, but don’t plan ahead either. There’s definitely someone in the office with Clara Barton Syndrome, or maybe it’s Clara Nightingale Syndrome – whichever the nice one was. It doesn’t really matter, just don’t puke in Clara’s car.
- Be Prepared: Bring an extra pair of underwear, your toothbrush and your passport. You never know what will happen (see Tip #2).
Good luck and have fun (see Tip #2)!
SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Chiefs (-4.5) at Browns
Chiefs scalp the Elves
Bengals (-5) at Titans
Stripey Cats pancake Tits
Commanders (-7) at Saints
Godless Commies decanonize Saints
Ravens (-14.5) at Giants
Scary Black Birds jar Giants
Cowboys at Panthers (-2.5)
Scary Black Cats spook America’s Team
Jets (-3.5) at Jags
My Good Friend Mac finally owns!
Dolphins at Texans (-3.5)
Texans barbecue Dolphins
SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Colts at Broncos (-4)
Big Broncos corral lil’ Colts
Bills at Lions (-2.5)
Hairy Cows trample Jungle Kings
Steelers at Eagles (-5)
Yinzers take the Keystone State Cup
Patriots at Cardinals (-6)
Pretty Red Birds fly past Mayo’s men
Buccaneers at Chargers (-3)
Brother Jim Hawkins’ gang zaps swashbucklers
SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Packers (-3) at Seahawks
Fake Sea Birds aren’t in the mood for Love.
MONDAY EARLY PROWL TIME
Bears at Vikings (-7)
Vikings plunder hibernating Bears
MONDAY PROWL TIME
Falcons (-5) at Raiders
Too bad Jerry Glanville isn’t alive to see his Falcons take down the Elvis impersonators #RIP
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Football Cat’s Week 14 Picks
Have no fear! Even though the local gridironers are enjoying a weekend away, getting tanned and rested, there’s no bye week for Football Cat!
And remember, it’s not just the bye week, it’s also the BUY week at the official the 15 net store! If you don’t shop during the big holiday sale, you’re just wasting money. It’s basic math people.
SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Jaguars at Titans (-4)
Tits motorboat Spotty Cats
Jets at Dolphins (-6)
Tua melts Jets
Falcons at Vikings (-5.5)
Vikings rape Raptors
Saints (-4.5) at Giants
David takes down Goliath
Panthers at Eagles (-12)
Scary Black Cats spook American Birds
Browns at Steelers (-6.5)
Yinzers flush Browns
Raiders at Buccaneers (-6.5)
Bucs win the biggest pirate fight since the Battle of Cape Lopez
SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Seahawks at Cardinals (-2.5)
Pretty Red Birds pluck Fake Sea Birds
Bills (-5) at Rams
Horny Sheep win the Bovidae Battle
Bears at 49ers (-4.5)
Prospectors wake the sleepy Bears, get mauled.
SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Chargers at Chiefs (-3.5)
Native Americans short circuit Plugs
MONDAY PROWL TIME
Bengals (-5) at Cowboys
Stripey Cats do Dallas
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Football Cat’s Week 13 NFL Picks
It’s BLACK FRIDAY!
Don’t worry, a deranged pilot is not going to fly a blimp into an NFL stadium near you. It means it’s your chance to save SAVE SAVE!
Just visit the the official “The 15” store, and with a few clicks (and a valid credit card) you can take care of all your holiday shopping and enjoy all the football.
Shop early and often, and remember to tell them that Football Cat sent you.
SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Chargers (-1) at Falcons
Plugs zap Raptors
Steelers at Bengals (-3)
Men of Steel cage Stripey Cats
Texans (-4) at Jaguars
Spotty Cats claw their way to victory
Cardinals at Vikings (-3.5)
Pretty Red Birds should never have flown north.
Colts (-2.5) at Patriots
To all the little Drake-a-Maye-niacs, say your prayers, take your vitamins, and enjoy the win heading into the bye week.
Seahawks (-2) at Jets
Fake Sea Birds ground Jets
Titans at Commanders (-5.5)
Commies blast all over Tits
SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Buccaneers (-5.5) at Panthers
Black Beards sink Black Cats
Rams (-2.5) at Saints
The Lord’s shepherds sheer the hairy sheep
Eagles at Ravens (-3)
Scary Black Birds rule the roost
SUNDAY PROWL TIME
49ers at Bills (-7)
Prospectors get snowed under in Buffalo
MONDAY PROWL TIME
Browns at Broncos (-5.5)
Elves can’t handle the elevation
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Football Cat’s Thanksgiving Picks
In honor of the big (BIG!) PRE INFRA-BLACK FRIDAY sale at the official the 15 store, Football Cat is generously giving out free money – in the form of bonus Thanksgiving picks. What better way to thank your host or hostess than with a high quality “It’s Called #Owning” coffee mug or the ever popular Jonathon t-shirt?
Shop early and often, and remember to tell them that Football Cat sent you.
EARLY EATERS TIME
Bears at Lions (-10.5)
Jungle Kings feast on roasted ursine knee caps
LATE EATERS TIME
Giants at Cowboys (-3)
Pokes pop Pituitaries
SECOND DINNER TIME
Dolphins at Packers (-3.5)
Meat men pack Dolphins into a Tua casserole
BLACK FRIDAY SPECIAL
Raiders at Chiefs (-12.5)
The Black Hole boys get black eyes on Black Friday
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Football Cat’s NFL Week 12 Picks ’24
For first-time hosts, or even experienced cooks, the Thanksgiving turkey can be a nerve-wracking dish to prepare once a year. Football Cat has some tips to reduce any anxiety over cooking your turkey this year.
Thawing Turkey Safely
There are two safe ways to thaw a turkey: in the refrigerator or in cold water. Thawing a frozen turkey on the kitchen counter, in hot water, or in the garage is not safe. Even though the center of the package may still be frozen, the outer layer of the food is in the Danger Zone between 40 and 140 degrees F — a temperature range where food-borne bacteria multiply rapidly. No matter which method you use, thawing a turkey takes time.
Cooking Turkey Safely
Regardless of how your turkey is cooked, insert a food thermometer into the thickest part of the breast, the innermost part of the wing and the innermost part of the thigh to check that its internal temperature at all three spots is at 165 degrees F.
Need more information about Thanksgiving food safety? Call Football Cat’s Meat and Poultry Hotline at 888-MPHotline (888-674-6854). Football Cat’s Meat and Poultry Hotline will be open on Thanksgiving Day from 8 a.m. to 2 p.m. EST.
SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Chiefs (-11) at Panthers
Scary black cats catch the Chiefs licking their wounds
Vikings (-3.5) at Bears
Da’ Bears are da’ done
Titans at Texans (-7.5)
Oilers learn you can’t go home again
Lions (-8) at Colts
Colts get caught looking ahead to their Week 13 bye week
Patriots at Dolphins (-7)
Tua smears Mayo
Buccaneers (-5) at Giants
Tommy Cutlets is back, ba da bing! Giants still lose.
Cowboys at Commanders (-10)
Commies kick the ever living shit out of the Cowboys.
SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Broncos at Raiders (-5)
Bo Nix is YOUR Rookie of Year!
49ers at Packers (-2)
Packers pulverize Prospectors
Cardinals (-1) at Seahawks
Pretty Red Birds roast the Fake Sea Birds
SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Eagles (-3) at Rams
American Birds soar high in the City of Angels
MONDAY PROWL TIME
Ravens (-3) at Chargers
Scary Black Birds get shocked
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Football Cat’s Week 11 Picks
It’s a big weekend for fans of celestial events! Not only will the full Beaver super moon be aligning with the Pliades star cluster each night, but the Leonid meteor shower will be peaking in the wee hours of Saturday and Sunday. So grab the lawn chair and a blanket and get out there. If you’re looking for me I’ll be sleeping in your bed, so please leave the electric blanket on.
SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Packers (-5) at Bears
Meat men send Bears to early hibernation
Jaguars at Lions (-13.5)
Lions maul my good friend Mac
Raiders at Dolphins (-7)
The Autumn Wind is a Raider, pillaging just for fun. He’ll knock you ’round and upside down, and laugh when he’s conquered and won.
Rams (-5) at Patriots
Mayo’s merry men keep the good time vibes rolling along.
Browns at Saints (-1)
Dark Elf magic house of Saints
Ravens (-3) at Steelers
Men of Steel cage Scary Black Birds
Vikings at Titans (-6)
Vikings flatten Tits
Colts at Jets (-4)
The new Undersecretary for Human Services leads the Jets to victory
SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Falcons at Broncos (-2.5)
Falcons thrive in the thin air
Seahawks at 49ers (-6.5)
Purrdy downs Fake Sea Birds
Chiefs at Bills (-2)
For thousands of years, Native Americans relied heavily on buffalo for their survival and well-being, using every part of the bison for food, clothing, shelter, tools, jewelry and in ceremonies. Except the wings oddly enough. Chiefs remain undefeated.
SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Bengals at Chargers (-1.5)
Stripey Cats drain Bolts batteries
MONDAY PROWL TIME
Texans (-7.5) at Cowboys
Fun Fact: The flags of six countries have flown over Texas. Don’t mess with the Texans.
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat
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The 15 