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Football Cat’s Week 15 Picks

Posted on December 13, 2024 by naop One comment

Interns beware! It’s that festive time of year again, tonight is the “The 15’s Annual Office Holiday Party”. ( It used to be the “The 15’s Annual Office Christmas Party”, but Carl did 23andMe this past year and, oy gevalt, he’s suddenly kosher.) But have no fear! Whether you spin the dreidel, or your savior was born in a stable, all you have to do is follow Football Cat’s 7 simple tips for a funtastic Office Holiday Party…

Spot the total number HR violations in this picture! Whoever comes closest will win a bonus day off* ^_(*unpaid)

Show Up: You do not want to be labeled as a party pooper. Get your ass to the party, they’ll be free drinks (see Tip #2).
Drink: Drink! There’s nothing people like more than talking about the person who had too much to drink at the office party. You’re just providing a public service.
Eat: If you don’t eat, you’ll get drunk too fast (see Tip #2). It’s science.
Dance: On the floor, on the table (see Tip #2) , whatever it takes.
Talk to the Big Boss: Make sure you’ve had a couple of drinks first (see Tip #2) . And make it quick. Get in, get out. Don’t linger.
Play Your Transportation By Ear: You’re going to drink (see Tip #2) so don’t drive, but don’t plan ahead either. There’s definitely someone in the office with Clara Barton Syndrome, or maybe it’s Clara Nightingale Syndrome – whichever the nice one was. It doesn’t really matter, just don’t puke in Clara’s car.
Be Prepared: Bring an extra pair of underwear, your toothbrush and your passport. You never know what will happen (see Tip #2).

Good luck and have fun (see Tip #2)!

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Chiefs (-4.5) at Browns
Chiefs scalp the Elves

Bengals (-5) at Titans
Stripey Cats pancake Tits

Tigers and pancakes? Someone’s getting cancelled.

Commanders (-7) at Saints
Godless Commies decanonize Saints

Ravens (-14.5) at Giants
Scary Black Birds jar Giants

Cowboys at Panthers (-2.5)
Scary Black Cats spook America’s Team

Jets (-3.5) at Jags
My Good Friend Mac finally owns!

Dolphins at Texans (-3.5)
Texans barbecue Dolphins

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Colts at Broncos (-4)
Big Broncos corral lil’ Colts

Bills at Lions (-2.5)
Hairy Cows trample Jungle Kings

Steelers at Eagles (-5)
Yinzers take the Keystone State Cup

Patriots at Cardinals (-6)
Pretty Red Birds fly past Mayo’s men

Buccaneers at Chargers (-3)
Brother Jim Hawkins’ gang zaps swashbucklers

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Packers (-3) at Seahawks
Fake Sea Birds aren’t in the mood for Love.

MONDAY EARLY PROWL TIME
Bears at Vikings (-7)
Vikings plunder hibernating Bears

MONDAY PROWL TIME
Falcons (-5) at Raiders
Too bad Jerry Glanville isn’t alive to see his Falcons take down the Elvis impersonators #RIP

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 14 Picks

Posted on December 6, 2024 by naop Leave a comment

Have no fear! Even though the local gridironers are enjoying a weekend away, getting tanned and rested, there’s no bye week for Football Cat!

Don’t we have interns to cover for me for *one* week?

And remember, it’s not just the bye week, it’s also the BUY week at the official the 15 net store! If you don’t shop during the big holiday sale, you’re just wasting money. It’s basic math people.

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Jaguars at Titans (-4)
Tits motorboat Spotty Cats

Jets at Dolphins (-6)
Tua melts Jets

Falcons at Vikings (-5.5)
Vikings rape Raptors

Saints (-4.5) at Giants
David takes down Goliath

You don’t want to get on Davey’s bad side

Panthers at Eagles (-12)
Scary Black Cats spook American Birds

Browns at Steelers (-6.5)
Yinzers flush Browns

Raiders at Buccaneers (-6.5)
Bucs win the biggest pirate fight since the Battle of Cape Lopez

What do you call a *pirate* with a *cat* on his shoulder? *A purr-ate.*

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Seahawks at Cardinals (-2.5)
Pretty Red Birds pluck Fake Sea Birds

Bills (-5) at Rams
Horny Sheep win the Bovidae Battle

Bears at 49ers (-4.5)
Prospectors wake the sleepy Bears, get mauled.

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Chargers at Chiefs (-3.5)
Native Americans short circuit Plugs

Trail of Tears? Sounds like my prom night!

MONDAY PROWL TIME
Bengals (-5) at Cowboys
Stripey Cats do Dallas

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 13 NFL Picks

Posted on November 29, 2024 by naop One comment

It’s BLACK FRIDAY!

Don’t worry, a deranged pilot is not going to fly a blimp into an NFL stadium near you. It means it’s your chance to save SAVE SAVE!

Just visit the the official “The 15” store, and with a few clicks (and a valid credit card) you can take care of all your holiday shopping and enjoy all the football.

Them ore you spend the more you SAVE! (It’s simple mathematics)

Shop early and often, and remember to tell them that Football Cat sent you.

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Chargers (-1) at Falcons
Plugs zap Raptors

Steelers at Bengals (-3)
Men of Steel cage Stripey Cats

Texans (-4) at Jaguars
Spotty Cats claw their way to victory

Cardinals at Vikings (-3.5)
Pretty Red Birds should never have flown north.

Colts (-2.5) at Patriots
To all the little Drake-a-Maye-niacs, say your prayers, take your vitamins, and enjoy the win heading into the bye week.

Seahawks (-2) at Jets
Fake Sea Birds ground Jets

Titans at Commanders (-5.5)
Commies blast all over Tits

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Buccaneers (-5.5) at Panthers
Black Beards sink Black Cats

The impending cannibalism makes it funny

Rams (-2.5) at Saints
The Lord’s shepherds sheer the hairy sheep

Eagles at Ravens (-3)
Scary Black Birds rule the roost

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
49ers at Bills (-7)
Prospectors get snowed under in Buffalo

MONDAY PROWL TIME
Browns at Broncos (-5.5)
Elves can’t handle the elevation

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Thanksgiving Picks

Posted on November 26, 2024 by naop One comment

In honor of the big (BIG!) PRE INFRA-BLACK FRIDAY sale at the official the 15 store, Football Cat is generously giving out free money – in the form of bonus Thanksgiving picks. What better way to thank your host or hostess than with a high quality “It’s Called #Owning” coffee mug or the ever popular Jonathon t-shirt?

Shop early and often, and remember to tell them that Football Cat sent you.

EARLY EATERS TIME
Bears at Lions (-10.5)
Jungle Kings feast on roasted ursine knee caps

All shirts are available in men’s sizes from Medium all the way up to 3XL.

LATE EATERS TIME
Giants at Cowboys (-3)
Pokes pop Pituitaries

A Hall of Fame owner with Hall of Fame fashion sense

SECOND DINNER TIME
Dolphins at Packers (-3.5)
Meat men pack Dolphins into a Tua casserole

BLACK FRIDAY SPECIAL
Raiders at Chiefs (-12.5)
The Black Hole boys get black eyes on Black Friday

He tells his barber “Give me the Jonathan”

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s NFL Week 12 Picks ’24

Posted on November 22, 2024 by naop Leave a comment

For first-time hosts, or even experienced cooks, the Thanksgiving turkey can be a nerve-wracking dish to prepare once a year. Football Cat has some tips to reduce any anxiety over cooking your turkey this year.

Thawing Turkey Safely
There are two safe ways to thaw a turkey: in the refrigerator or in cold water. Thawing a frozen turkey on the kitchen counter, in hot water, or in the garage is not safe. Even though the center of the package may still be frozen, the outer layer of the food is in the Danger Zone between 40 and 140 degrees F — a temperature range where food-borne bacteria multiply rapidly. No matter which method you use, thawing a turkey takes time.

Cooking Turkey Safely
Regardless of how your turkey is cooked, insert a food thermometer into the thickest part of the breast, the innermost part of the wing and the innermost part of the thigh to check that its internal temperature at all three spots is at 165 degrees F.

Need more information about Thanksgiving food safety? Call Football Cat’s Meat and Poultry Hotline at 888-MPHotline (888-674-6854). Football Cat’s Meat and Poultry Hotline will be open on Thanksgiving Day from 8 a.m. to 2 p.m. EST.

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Chiefs (-11) at Panthers
Scary black cats catch the Chiefs licking their wounds

Vikings (-3.5) at Bears
Da’ Bears are da’ done

Titans at Texans (-7.5)
Oilers learn you can’t go home again

Flipping the Nixon to the fine folks in Houston

Lions (-8) at Colts
Colts get caught looking ahead to their Week 13 bye week

Patriots at Dolphins (-7)
Tua smears Mayo

It has the Patriots’ beat writers seal of approval!

Buccaneers (-5) at Giants
Tommy Cutlets is back, ba da bing! Giants still lose.

The Giants aren’t winning this game! I don’t care how many dago guinea wop greaseball goombahs come out of the woodwork!

Cowboys at Commanders (-10)
Commies kick the ever living shit out of the Cowboys.

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Broncos at Raiders (-5)
Bo Nix is YOUR Rookie of Year!

I hope his grandchildren can make it to the ceremony.

49ers at Packers (-2)
Packers pulverize Prospectors

Cardinals (-1) at Seahawks
Pretty Red Birds roast the Fake Sea Birds

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Eagles (-3) at Rams
American Birds soar high in the City of Angels

A belated Happy 40th Anniversary to Sam the Olympic Eagle

MONDAY PROWL TIME
Ravens (-3) at Chargers
Scary Black Birds get shocked

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 11 Picks

Posted on November 15, 2024 by naop Leave a comment

It’s a big weekend for fans of celestial events! Not only will the full Beaver super moon be aligning with the Pliades star cluster each night, but the Leonid meteor shower will be peaking in the wee hours of Saturday and Sunday. So grab the lawn chair and a blanket and get out there. If you’re looking for me I’ll be sleeping in your bed, so please leave the electric blanket on.

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Packers (-5) at Bears
Meat men send Bears to early hibernation

Jaguars at Lions (-13.5)
Lions maul my good friend Mac

My good friend Mac before the Lions horribly disfigured him

Raiders at Dolphins (-7)
The Autumn Wind is a Raider, pillaging just for fun. He’ll knock you ’round and upside down, and laugh when he’s conquered and won.

Rams (-5) at Patriots
Mayo’s merry men keep the good time vibes rolling along.

Browns at Saints (-1)
Dark Elf magic house of Saints

Ravens (-3) at Steelers
Men of Steel cage Scary Black Birds

Vikings at Titans (-6)
Vikings flatten Tits

Colts at Jets (-4)
The new Undersecretary for Human Services leads the Jets to victory

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Falcons at Broncos (-2.5)
Falcons thrive in the thin air

Seahawks at 49ers (-6.5)
Purrdy downs Fake Sea Birds

Chiefs at Bills (-2)
For thousands of years, Native Americans relied heavily on buffalo for their survival and well-being, using every part of the bison for food, clothing, shelter, tools, jewelry and in ceremonies. Except the wings oddly enough. Chiefs remain undefeated.

These are even better than chicken fingers

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Bengals at Chargers (-1.5)
Stripey Cats drain Bolts batteries

I bet my Nana still has some of these in her junk drawer

MONDAY PROWL TIME
Texans (-7.5) at Cowboys
Fun Fact: The flags of six countries have flown over Texas. Don’t mess with the Texans.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat

Football Cat’s Week 10 Picks

Posted on November 8, 2024 by naop Leave a comment

Happy Veterans Day weekend to all who served! Especially those who serve me breakfast, lunch and dinner.

I did two tours in ‘Nam and all I get is free Grand Slam breakfast at Denny’s

SUNDAY FRÜHSTÜCK TIME
Giants (-6.5) vs. Panthers
Schwarze Katze über alles!

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Patriots at Bears (-6.5)
Bears paste Patsies

Bills (-4) at Colts
Tatanka clobber Colts

Vikings(-7) at Jaguars
McCorkle masters Minni

Broncos at Chiefs (-7.5)
Chiefs bust Broncos

Falcons (-3.5) at Saints
Falcons slap Saints

What did the five fingers say to the face?

49ers (-6) at Buccaneers
Prospectors bury Bucs

Steelers at Commanders (-2.5)
Commies swamp Steelers

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Titans at Chargers (-7.5)
Bolts topple Tits

These record warm temperatures have really extended tanning season.

Jets (-1.5) at Cardinals
Pretty Red Birds jettison Jets

Eagles (-7) at Cowboys
Cowboys edge Eagles

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Lions (-3.5) at Texans
Lions tame Texans

MONDAY PROWL TIME
Dolphins at Rams (-1)
Rams drown Dolphins

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 9 Picks

Posted on November 1, 2024 by naop Leave a comment

Welcome to November! As a gift just for you, Football Cat is giving you an extra hour of sleep on Sunday. Just remember Football Cat’s internal clock is still on Daylight Saving time. Please be considerate to your cats.

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Cowboys at Falcons (-2.5)
Birds beat Boys

Broncos at Ravens (-9.5)
No post-Halloween hangover for the Scary Black Birds.

Dolphins at Bills (-6)
Hairy Cows trample Tua

Saints (-7) at Panthers
Black Cats get skinned on All Saints Day weekend

Raiders at Bengals (-7)
Stripey Cats save their season

Chargers (-2) at Browns
Elven magic short circuits the Bolts

This would be a much better mascot than Brownie

Commanders (-3.5) at Giants
Red wave drowns the G-men

Patriots at Titans (-3.5)
Ass over Tits

As far as the state of New York is concerned, you are the “ASSMAN”

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Bears at Cardinals (-1)
Not even two Hail Marys and three Our Fathers will beat the Bears this week.

Jaguars at Eagles (-7.5)
American Birds poop on Spotty Cats

Lions (-3.5) at Packers
Jungle Kings devour Meat Men

Rams (-1.5) at Seahawks
Rams steamroll Seattle

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Colts at Vikings (-5.5)
Vikings rape and pillage poor Jumpball Joe.

MONDAY PROWL TIME
Buccaneers at Chiefs (-8.5)
The march towards perfection continues.

TUESDAY ELECTION TIME
Remember,when in doubt vote Football Cat. Vote early and vote often!

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Patriots Surging Ahead at the Quarter Pole: The Plan is Working to Perfection

Posted on October 28, 2024 by TheIntern15 Leave a comment

By A.I. Bot Breer:

Foxborough, MA – The New England Patriots are on a perfectly executed path to future dominance at the quarter mark of the 2024 season, and anyone who doubts this could be missing the bigger picture. Despite their current 2-6 record, which is simply a minor blip on their trajectory, the Patriots have laid the foundation for what will surely be a return to glory in the coming years. Head coach Jerod Mayo has created a master plan that emphasizes long-term growth, and we are seeing the early stages of a renaissance!

First, let’s talk about the defense. Christian Gonzalez and Keion White are emerging as superstar talents. Gonzalez has been a shutdown corner, neutralizing some of the league’s top wide receivers, and White is already one of the best pass rushers in the NFL with four sacks in just four games, on par with elite defenders like Myles Garrett. It’s clear this defensive duo will lead the league for years to come.

Jerod The Inspiring is wearing The Pin. How can you do any less!?!

On offense, while some may criticize the passing game, the Patriots are playing chess while everyone else is playing checkers. Rhamondre Stevenson is a beast, leading a ground attack ranked 12th in the league, averaging 127 rushing yards per game. Forget the fumbles; that’s just the universe throwing obstacles in the path to greatness. With time, Stevenson’s ball security will match his explosive playmaking ability, making him one of the most feared backs in the NFL. Yes, the offensive line has had some hiccups, but that’s just part of the Patriots’ master plan to build resilience. The team is rotating through linemen at a breakneck pace, preparing for a future where no other franchise will be able to match their depth and versatility.

As for the quarterback situation, Jacoby Brissett and Drake Maye are part of a visionary strategy designed to slowly but surely cultivate a future superstar. The Patriots aren’t concerned with short-term optics; they are focused on building a sustainable system that will once again make them perennial favorites in the AFC.

Mark it down—this team is on the brink of something special. Give them time, and they may soon reign over the AFC East again.

First the East, then the Conference, and then…who knows?

Note: Old Friend ‘Uncle Gizmo’ took a cue from a recent Entitled Town podcast. He input into ChatGPT: “I’d like to create a story in the current style of Albert Breer. It would be a glowing story about New England Patriots coach Jerod Mayo and would use as its base Patriots media releases for the last month.” The first result was Jerod Mayo: The Emerging Leader Patriots Fans Always Needed. You just read the follow-up, written after NFL Week 5.

Football Cat’s Week 8 NFL Picks ’24

Posted on October 25, 2024 by naop Leave a comment

Please join us in wishing a very Happy 14th Birthday to Football Cat!

In lieu of gifts please show your support by purchasing some wonderful genuine merchandise. Football Cat’s birthday comes but once a year, so splash out some of that cash you’ve been accumulating from following the picks.

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Ravens (-9) at Browns
Unless the Browns are starting Tippi Hedren at quarterback, expect the Scary Black Birds to run rampant.

They should remake this movie with cats.

Titans at Lions (-11.5)
Jungle Kings bounce Tits

Colts at Texans (-6)
Texans corral the Colts

Packers (-4.5) at Jaguars
Pack Men make mincemeat out of the jet-lagged Spotty Cats

Cardinals at Dolphins (-3)
Drips dizzy Dolphins drop Deacons

Jets (-7) at Patriots
Mayo is not handing in his D.O.R just yet. Jets crash and burn. Love lifts us up where we belong.

Falcons (-2.5) at Buccaneers
Mmmmm, creamsicles.

With just 100 calories per bar, it’s the classic ice cream on a stick dessert that you can enjoy without guilt.

Eagles at Bengals (-2.5)
Stripey Cats feast on American Birds

*The Migratory Bird Treaty Act* was not violated in the making of this image.

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Saints at Chargers (-7.5)
Saint Eligius’ gang defeats the Saints

Yes, even electricians have a patron Saint.

Bills (-3) at Seahawks
Fake Sea Birds upset Hairy Cows

Bears (-2.5) at Commanders
Marxist Mariota leads the Commies to victory

“Quarterbacks control the means of offensive production.”

Panthers at Broncos (-9)
Black Cats have trouble adapting to the thin air

Chiefs (-10) at Raiders
Mahomes’ team finally defeats Brady’s team

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Cowboys at 49ers (-4.5)
Federales rob gold diggers

MONDAY PROWL TIME
Giants at Steelers (-6.5)
Giants can’t defeat Men of Steel

Good luck getting a kid into “Walter’s International Wax Museum” for 40 cents nowadays.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

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