Author Archives: scartsy15

6/19/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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They wanted Boston. They got Boston.

Winning is great. Winning that makes everyone else hysterically sad is even better.

No one dotted Dugie? Sad!

Jaylen Brown Finals MVP. He did spend some of that Supermax contract money attending a Sick Handlez Camp!

Willie Mays. You Say Hey, we all say goodbye. OOTG’s.

I’m in tears knowing Bill Russell’s widow was in Dallas for Game 4, and in Boston for Game 5.

Meanwhile, if wasn’t already, Bryson DeChambeau sure seems to have become this weekend what golf is continually seeking: A needle mover.

Dave Brown peacocking from his long dormant & locked Twitter account is peak Dave Brown.

Cakes are cooking for Salman Rushdie, Ann Wilson, Duane Kuiper, Larry Dunn, Kathleen Turner, Paula Abdul, Simon Wright, Mia Sara, Poppy Montgomery, Robin Tunney, Doug Mientkiewicz, Dirk Nowitzki, Garfield the Cat, Zoe Saldana, Jason White, and Macklemore.

Not only was that an all-time US Open, but my daughters wanted to learn more about the game, and I got to talk through the back nine with my dad at the house like we used to do after my tournaments and biggest rounds. Happy Father’s Day, everyone. It was a memorable one over here.

Having proper Sunday night HBO programming back is the best. It dominates social media the next day. We are so back.

Tons of people were helped by Jerry West admitting to being a maniac. Many cases of lives saved. “The Logo” taught me that it’s ok to not be ok.

Orange Line Reminder: Service changes for bridge and track work June 22-23: Shuttle buses replace service between Oak Grove & North Station June 24-30: Shuttle buses replace service between Wellington & North Station. Commuter Rail is fare free between Oak Grove & North Station.

Hopefully the next time all these Patriots greats are together is at RKK’s funeral.

Ime Udoka passed this up for pussy.

I don’t know how long ago Dennis Drinkwater’s seat moved to the aisle but how does he get into it? Does he hop over the back? Need to know.

Will Buck be wearing his Donnie Beardlsey skinsuit on one of the duckboats Friday?

Edmonton has now won twice, a win for each boob flashed by that nice lady.

Suggestion for Friday’s Celtics parade: Reserve one Duck-Boat for Wyc Grousbeck and his band, and play a Dead set to bring Bill Walton into the event. “Ripple” for respect.

Al Horford, aka the Dominican Don Nelson.

Don’t know about you guys, but it’s really scary to think that any one of us could be locked up if we drunkenly backed over a Boston cop. If they can do it to her, they can do it to YOU.

Hey gang of morons, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I’m still peeling confetti off me.”

Not great for the Woman In Sports™ brand that a hard 4 who grifts online retards considers herself part of the group.

Uh oh. Cotillo’s back on the soft serve.

Out of Jayson Tatum’s 40 highest priced purchased cards, only 3 were bought this year.

Trying to imagine what Bill’s reaction would have been if Brian, Stephen, or Amanda hade ever brought home a Cheerleader/Entrepeneur/Philosopher to meet dad.

This has been the longest day I wish I had more energy for the Celtics tweets 😦 I’ll be obnoxious all month if they win don’t worry.

‘Riding the side boards’ sounds like a 1940’s euphemism for gay sex.

I just wish Fergie would do every NBA Finals anthem.

The flow of porn spam from the usual suspects on Twitter has disappeared from my feed, and I have mixed feelings now that nobody seems to be trying to scam me. It’s like “wait, am I not worth the effort to try to steal from anymore?”

Abby didn’t need any gay champagne goggles.

Huh. I wonder why Bill forgot to mention the backstabbing rat of an in-over-his-head linebackers coach.

This human Subaru just femsplained to literal DNA forensic scientists the science of forensic DNA detectability.

Bill Clinton don’t become Willie Mays.

Sometimes I just shut up and let my past work talk. I earned these two days off and I’m going to enjoy every, single, minute of it.

PFF geting Betamaxed out of existence wouldn’t be terrible.

My favorite thing about watching women’s basketball is that they actually post up and use low post moves. It’s a lost art in the men’s game.

When the Starks & Baratheons get these blonde freaks up outta here >>>>>

Have the Revs turned a corner?

In the Boston Celtics 17 NBA Championships it has taken them an average of 6.12 games to win in the NBA Finals.

‘Claudia Bellofatto’ is a made-up name.

I can look out from the roof of this building I’m on and see five other buildings that I built. Three of which I saw from steel beam to final clean. I built half this block.

Today would be a great day for the race war to kickoff. Just like the Tet Offensive.

Gonna see the river man.
Gonna tell him all I can
About the plan
For lilac time.

If he tells me all he knows
‘Bout the way his river flows.
And all night shows
In summertime.

Fun Fact: women were disallowed from serving on juries in Massachusetts until 1950.

Somewhere in this town, there are crab legs & I’m gonna go eat more of them than the Rangers had hits Sunday.

Probably a relief to Jerry West that he didn’t have to see another Celtics championship.

Would you rather have one 12-foot statue of Tom Brady or twelve 1-foot statues of Tom Brady?

Narrator: The Mavericks as it turns out did not figure out the Celtics’ scheme.

There are too many withdrawals, no deposit , You can’t grow like that !!!

Wonder if Bill saved Linda’s fake cans for the new girl.

I’ve never figured out how they keep the baseball IN the hat when the hat jumps in the air during that dancing-hat thing where they want you to guess which hat has the ball.

With the Finals being over, how will people now learn that there is a new Bad Boys movie in theaters?

Honk if you remember Brett Hull’s Stanley Cup winning ‘no goal.’

That wasn’t a travel on Prichard’s beyond halfcourt halftime buzzer-beating three, it was a Eurostep.

Linda Cohn is still on TV? Well good for her!

I’m still trying to see ‘likes’ on Twitter like Homer Simpson forgetting to dial the new area code.

It’s really not like Anna Horford to use her brother’s fame to curry favor.

Imagine if Danny and Brad took advice from the radio talking men and the ink-stained wretches. lol

Belichick can probably still kill spiders and open tight jar lids at his age.

Also, I want the repaired Christopher Columbus statue the city is too scared to put back up riding on one of the duckboats.

If The Sports Hub had a Kevin, I think I’d know about it.

Best bet for the weekend: Ocean State Job Lot starts selling the ‘NBA Players Association’ championship merch.

Tom. Patriots Hall of Famer.
Eeep.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Dan Kelley, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. 

And Happy Birthday to Czech supermodel Veronika Vařeková. Všechno nejlepší k narozeninám!

6/12/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Big Day here.
Big Day there.

Lou thinks the first pitch home run was a bad way to start the homestand.

What if the Red Sox Twitter account changed their pfp for Pride Month to a zesty pic of Freddy Lynn, would that be okay?

When I was an opinion on an athlete’s ability to be athletic, I go straight to the two guys who can’t ride on an elevator together.

Dave O’Brien talking to Whitlock and his bionic arm and giving him “congratulations” on his birthday. Aspy!

Retinaculum? Damn near killed him!

If by ‘thriving’ you mean pulling in less revenue than the NBA G League last season, your players constantly bitching about low pay, bad accommodations, and having to play in Russia in the offseason to make ends meet, then yes, the WNBA was absolutely thriving before Caitlin Clark arrived.

Half of the crew in one of America’s most enduring movies were from Boston. Ray Bolger (Scarecrow) was a Dot guy. And Jack Haley (Tin Man) was born in Boston and grew up in Newton.

Trolls profit when you pay them with your attention.

Cakes are cooking for Marv Albert, Bun E. Carlos, Terry Alderman, Timothy Busfield, Jenilee Harrison, Mark Calcavecchia, Rod Latham, Derek Higgins, Paula Marshall, Gwen Torrence, Ryan Klesko, Hideki Matsui, DJ Qualls, and Jrue Holiday.

“We head back to Dallas,” they keep saying. That’s weird, as the series hasn’t been there yet.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

The NBA Finals will go at least 4 games and at most 7 games. Only 2 games have been played. That means there is at least 50% of the Finals yet to be played and up to 71.4% remaining. So, nobody should be concerned with who the 2024 NBA Finals Most Valuable Player yet.

RIP Chet Walker. You ain’t been up-faked until you’ve been up-faked by Chet “The Jet” Walker.

And then there’s Jerry West. He will be looking up and smiling at the Lakers all next season.

Seeing as CapFriendly’s days appear to be numbered (at least as a free site), I’d expect @PuckPedia to do what CF did after CapGeek’s pioneering run ended and fill the void. Can be the digital version of Williams to Yaz to Rice.

It’s been so long since the #Celtics clinched the ECF that I think Tatum retired and Deuce is starting at the 4.

Shukri’s life demonstrates the power of taking calculated risks.

I love the idea of “Yacht Rock.” But every time I turn it on, it’s more like “Every Song From 40 Years Ago That You Couldn’t Change Fast Enough Back Then.”

Looser orifice? Jerod Mayo’s mouth or Karen Read’s ‘balloon knot?’

I had some cilantro rice last night and enjoyed it. What a cocksucker I turned out to be.

Are we supposed to know what a Funko Pop is?

Tough for the USMNT to get the talent it needs with all the kids playing cricket nowadays.

Hey gang of pillheads, this Week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Leave her alone, NYP.”

Aaron Rodgers is skipping all of Jets mandatory minicamp this week because he prefers to be somewhere else away from football. That’s his choice.

Dart Adams didn’t get a New England Emmy Award for the Bell Biv DeVoe at Fenway Park Special?

To the good, the WCVB Eye Opener Team won a local Emmy, but then so did The Phantom Gourmet and Charlie Moore the Mad Fisherman.

This team of chokers has a Celtics franchise record for most consecutive playoff wins.

Creep don’t sleep.

Is all of Rhode Island under construction? Disgusting.

Wherever you go, I’ll be with you.
Whatever you want, I’ll give it to you.
Whenever you need someone,
To lay your heart and head upon.

Remember, after the fire, after all the rain,
I will be the flame;
I will be the flame.

Who knew that Turtleboy fans were so sensitive about salty language? The MSP, they’re cops, not fops.

So many young ladies with numerical surnames.

Honk if you remember Chick Corea.

A good college basketball coach at a big school can stay there 25, 30, 40 years. I don’t know that that happens too often in the NBA.

Make a series of it, willya Edmonton?

We get it, Coach Mayo, the bad man is gone, so let’s do some performative charity work. Hey, the team has all summer to learn those fourteen word play calls, right?

Deuce Tatum is like Benjamin Button, but instead of aging in reverse, he just keeps getting whiter.

Nice stupid tits, Ashley; those will age well.

Sorry to hear Jonathan had another box factory emergency to attend to and missed the festivities later today.

I enjoy all length of socks.

if I was a horse I’d be down on my fetlocks praying Mut doesn’t bet on me.

Winning on the opponent’s floor wouldn’t be bad, Celtics.

Best bet for the weekend: a confusing Father’s Day at Clint Eastwood’s.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Dan Kelley, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Let’s gooooo!!!

And Happy Birthday to Brazilian supermodel Adriana Lima, who would probably never marry and then divorce a famous athlete. Wait, what?

6/5/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Go fill in the blank spaces, Celtics.

The way I keep it straight is, it’s the ‘Stanley Cup Final’, because final and NHL both end in L, and it’s the ‘NBA Finals’ because basketball and association both contain at least one letter S.

The Red Sox should consider installing a dugout escalator.

The Cooper Flagg race war is going to make this Caitlin shit look positively warm and fuzzy.

Mayo answering a coaching philosophy question is like Trump answering a question about his favorite Bible verse.

What the hell is Dave O’Brien talking about? The only thing preventing Sox fans from really diving in to support them is a 10-game winning streak, a no hitter, or a player hitting 14 HRs in a month. Oh, is that all?

It’s Men’s Mental Health Month, too.

Volunteered to help my wife teach her kindergarten class last Friday. My doctor says I should recover in 4 to 6 weeks!!

There’s nothing white women in their 20s love more than saying they’re bisexual.

As much as a pain in the ass as social media is at times, I’m so thankful I get to keep in touch with my childhood friends. Watching people you have loved at different points in life grow up is so freakin’ cool.

When is the joint Rangers/Knicks “We would have won if…” parade?

Cakes are cooking for Robert Kraft, Colm Wilkinson, John Carlos, Freddie Stone, Laurie Anderson, Ellen Foley, Kathleen Kennedy, Michael “Nicko” McBrain, Kenny G, Richard Butler, Jeff Garlin, Ron Livingston, Izabella Scorupco, Mark Wahlberg, Chuck Klosterman, Lamon Brewster, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Jason White, Pete Wentz, and Marques Colston.

Every sports radio caller is a proud graduate of Red Auerbach Coaching Academy.

I loved G & R’s ‘Chinese Dentistry’ album.

Fun Fact: Edmonton sits at 53.5461 degrees North. Sunrise, FLA sits at 26.1670 degrees North. The 2024 Stanley Cup Final competitors have the largest difference in latitude of any championship series in the history of North American professional sports.

A great birthday gift for Al Horford? A championship ring with the #DifferentHere

Green Line D Branch and Green Line E Branch: Delays of about 10 minutes due to a wire car performing preventative maintenance on the overhead catenary.

That make-out session with another girl after two and a half hard seltzers in college doesn’t make you bi, toots.

If Nickelback has no fans, I am deceased.

Tucupita Marcano sounds like a Jason Bourne alias to get through security at the airport, or maybe a dessert at Table.

Bill the GM doesn’t get any credit for getting rid of Loose Change Chase Winovich?

Being a kid with rich parents doesn’t seem to be as great as it sounds.

Oh wow the morbidly obese autist is a pedophile?

A mix pack that is 4 different kinds of India Pale Ales is not a mix pack, beer brewing people.

Did Rex Chapman just invent Birthdays?

If anyone needs me tonight, I’ll be dragging a naked and screaming Bob Cousy down Tremont Street while I demand that horrified onlookers “give him his flowers” before he dies.

Hey gang of folks with discerning palates, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I bet you eat hot dogs for dinner regularly.”

Everyone forgets the 3OT game against the Suns.

We completed the construction of the first Air Rights project since the 1970’s back in January. We built six stories of a 17-story building over the 93 on-ramp. This would be the second. Nice try though.

Why do geese have 9,000 babies? Do they listen to Marvin Gaye or what??

Rough Game 5, Timberwolves. I hadn’t seen a beating like that in Minnesota since George Floyd.

Perk looks and talks like he’s the Moon in a children’s storybook.

Vaya con Dios, Vanessa Welch and Kate Merrill. Good luck in your future endeavors.

Knock down the old grey wall.
Be a part of it all.
Nothing to say, nothing to see, nothing to do.

If you would give me all
As I would give it to you.
Nothing would be, nothing would be, nothing would be.

No matter where you go.
There will always be a place
Can’t you see it in my face, girl?
Ooh, girl, want you.

If I looked like a black Jocelyn Wildenstein, I would probably be angry all the time too.

Honk if you remember Hip Zepi USA.

A first baseman CAN make a quite significant contribution to the defensive success of his team. However, only a few first basemen do. Any rare skill presents a challenge to analysts.

Don’t believe Porzingis when he says he’s100%, Green teamers.

Steelers stalwart Larry Allen dead at 52, very sad. Huh? He played for Dallas? Well, I saw the age and just, well, you know…

Maybe the baseball players shouldn’t bet on baseball games?

Confusing I-93 and the Mass Pike is the kind of Generalship that leads to fighting the Battle of Bunker Hill in the wrong location.

Additional Fun Fact: Edmonton has a larger population than Chelmsford, Andover, and Lewiston combined.

The Celtics winning made the termites in Doris’s dentures cry.

Where is the Isobel Cup?

Maybe it’s not a great idea to take life lessons from a rapist. Just sayin’.

That nice Ginger Zee lady would have told Ike 80 years ago the weather across the English Channel was clearing.

Best bet for the weekend: a different horse wins the Belmont Stakes.

Is it sexist to say that outfit looks terrible when I could see Jayson Tatum wearing the exact same thing, pocketbook included?

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Lookin’ at the devil, grinnin’ at his gun, Fingers start shakin’, I begin to run. Bullets start chasin’, I begin to stop, We begin to wrestle, I was on the top.

And a fair dinkum of a happy birthday to gold medal-winning Australian swimmer Emily Seebohm.

5/30/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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ECF MVP. OK. FCHWPO.

Did they fire Mazzulla yet? They’ve got a week to find a real coach.

Solid effort PWHL Boston. Get ’em next go around.

Is Zach Cox still trespassing at Gillette?

Bill Walton. Aw, man. Sad news. Second member of 1986 Cs to pass away.

Sox in worse shape in Baltimore than the Francis Scott Key Bridge is.

Nick Cattles should strive to be one-tenth as entertaining as that ChatGPT feature about him was.

Why is everyone ignoring Ant’s ability to force a Game Seven?

“You flail at 100% of the takes you don’t verbalize.” – Mark Dondero. Probably.

Cakes are cooking for Barry Clifford, P.J. Carlesimo, Stephen Tobolowsky, Colm Meaney, Jake “The Snake” Roberts, Ted McGinley, Kevin Eastman, Wynonna Judd, Billy Donovan Jr., Adele Dazeem, Manny Ramirez, Je’Rod Cherry, Marissa Mayer, Jordan Palmer, and Sam Baker.

Josef Newgarden proved once again he’s Penske material at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway.

They actually said that Angel Hernadez is retiring ‘to spend more time with his family?’ lol.

Hey Cattles, Jess Moran could probably use some help on her food truck. Still a Y especially if she brings a lobster roll for later. I’d reweave the netting on her lobster traps, heh heh. I may be doing this wrong.

Cedric Maxwell had to present the Larry Bird trophy? Oof.

If Emilee Dennis let Rotillo hit it we wouldn’t have the RSLO clothing line.

I would’ve liked to smoke some gay weed with Bill Walton.

Boston goalie Aerin Frankel with 41 saves. Crowd chants, “Frankel, Frankel, Frankel” at the game’s end.

Scottie Scheffler chose the high road.

Orange Line Reminder: Through June 6 No Train service between Wellington & Back Bay for bridge and track work. Use Buses between Wellington & North Station. Use Green Line between North Station & Copley. Use Commuter Rail Haverhill Line at North Station, Malden Center & Oak Grove.

BC Women’s lax are your NCAA champions.

The Cape Cod Times is looking for a HS sports reporter. This has the potential to be a great gig for an early 20-something looking to break in.

Alex Karaban is returning to UConn.

Fans of a .500 team overreact to every win and loss. A good team, you know you can’t win them all; a 100-loss team, you get used to it. A .500 team, emotionally you’re as good as the last 24 hours.

I forgot to listen to the Johnston, Roche, and Cattles Holiday Fill-in Show!

Karl Anthony Towns is the worst all-star in the league.

Hey gang of male feminists, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Nobody works harder than women in sports.”

More resumes should say “34DD.”

Holiday is who everybody convinced themselves Smart was.

Game 3 of the 2024 Eastern Conference Finals should forever be referred to in history as Jrue’s Non-Covid Illness Game.

Home track win for Chuc Leclerc at the Monaco Grand Prix.

When the Celtics fail to execute in crunch time, they’re losers. When their opponent fails to execute in crunch time, they should’ve won! got it.

You say that you love me (say you love me)
All of the time (all of the time)
You say that you need me (say you need me)
You’ll always be mine (always be mine)

I’m feelin’ glad all over.
Yes, I’m glad all over.
Baby, I’m glad all over.
So glad you’re mine.

Have fewer electrical outlets. And have more furniture blocking access to the few there are.

I can draw up inbounds plays that don’t work too. Just sayin’.

Lonzo Ball says he had to get a new meniscus from a donor because of how severe his injury became.

Honk if you remember the TV movie, Brian’s Song.

I don’t know Ma, what do you think they serve at “Just Salads?”

Thinking heavily of Bill Walton, Tommy Heinsohn, Red Auerbach, KC Jones, and Sam Jones tonight as the #DifferentHere Boston #Celtics punch another ticket to the #NBAFinals.

Trop Pants! > $80 Pants

I could watch Pop Douglas run routes against air all day. The No. 3 looks good on him, too.

Bradley Beal has a son named “Deuce.” Makes you think.

Have Goodman and Perk ever done a podcast together? The universe would implode in a singularity of stupid.

Friendly reminder to be nice to your veterinary staff on holiday weekends.

I can’t be the only one who saw that woman take her jersey off behind the Dallas Stars bench.

Best bet for the weekend: Oliers & Panthers advance to The Cup.

Makes you think.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Dan Kelley, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Rock the Casbah.

And Happy Birthday to tech CEO Marissa Mayer-hold on, I’m being told this is actually model Marissa Miller. Well, the picture stays.

2024 Memorial Day Weekend Mixtape Playlist

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(Dear The15net dot com Wicked Pissah Beantown Chowderheads Platinum Elite Members; Here is the now-traditional musical playlist for your Memorial Day enjoyment. Click HERE to download.)

Word Salad – Optum Men’s Chorale

Da Doo Doo Doo Da Da DeBrusk! – Jack Edwards & The Police

Winning (DNA) – Dondero

Subterranean TweetDeck Blues – Xob Dxlan

Call Me Kirkie – Cattles Rae Jepsen

Full Throttle! – The Edgar Winter Group

Workin’ 9 to 5 (one day a week) – Kenni Middleton

ABCTE – The Chapter 11

Unstable Woman Behind the Counter of a Sports Marketing Firm – Pearl Jan

If You Could Read My Mind – Karen Leadfoot

Don’t Drink the Shower Water – Gage Matthews Band

X’s My Life – Talk Text

Hey There Char Wilder – The Plain Black Hats

Easy Rider (To The Finals) – KOC and The Sunshine Bland

Ice Cold Drinks – Ron Muskmelon Catamount

In Memory of Cameron Reid – The MacAlbert Brothers Band

Love Horshack – The B52 Waistline

California Creamin – The Mamas and the (Missing) Papas

Do It Again – Rich and the Unlistenables

Performative Fandom Blues – Shukri and the Thirst-Traps

Grippy Sock Vacation – Cosplaying Despondency

Stayin’ Alive – The CHB Gees

Smite You With My Spite Zoo – Richie Shirts

Emergency at the Cardboard Box Factory – The Shadow GM

Overture from ‘Spamalot’ – The Framingham Youthful Offender Light Opera Company

Shape of My Enlarged Heart – The Bankroll Boys

Backstabbers – The May O’Jays

Miss Me (with that shit) Blind – No Culture Club

Smells Like Teen Spirit – The Snowmen

Yackety Yak – MayoWolf

Where’s the delivery, Kenneth! – J.E.E.P.

Beautiful Things – Benson Boone

Aidan and Abetting – Big House Bound

Meow (Mew) – Problematic Cat

Papelbon (Has Got it Goin’ On) – Six Danny Six

Devil’s Walking Stick – The Rex Burkhead Revival

Paper Scissors Rock – Mick Gindaloon and his Dumb Polacks

Homo Phone Homophones – Otto Core Wrecked

Off The Couch & In the Building – Ploverboy

California – Second Secret Son

Collaborate (Burn Some Cash) – INOVRHED

How Many Radio Stations Does Boston Have Anyway? (The 16th Place Song) -Meg O’Joansie & Whoever

Comfortably Dumb -Ben Volin

Mr. Jones and Me – The Squawking Crow

Very Believable Tales of Wonder – Buddhist Mink

Bar Pie Breakdown – The Dubious Brothers

Every Man Is Fighting a Cerrone Battle You Know Nothing About – Lord Acton

Yeah! (Daddy) – Lil Jon(athon)

Everybody’s Working But Dickerson – Whiney Boy

Shukri on the SEPTA – Flophouse

Something Stupid – All Hat Nick Cattles

Paprika Narcosis – Bath Salt Kratom

Visualization Of The Space Mind Gargamel Part XXVIII: Grip The Keys – Dero Spedes

Stolen Car – Beth Orton

Lucy May Never Win a Bet Again – Flex Seals & Crofts

A Bicycle Built For Two – Woby

Nothin’ but a G String” – Vernon Dozier

Drawing a Blank – Objectively Amy

Imaginary Uber Driver – Ladies In Sports

A Silo Is Just a Lighthouse That Hasn’t Earned Its Bell – Fort Foxborough Positivity Chorus & Carillon

(Have a song suggestion? Or a compliment? Leave it in the comments!)

5/22/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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If you’re only going to hit one three-pointer, let it be the one that forces overtime.

Nothing like ECF nerves. Unless you’ve lived it you’ll never understand.

When you can go from the #1 rated morning show in town to a classic rock station with Ted Johnson, how could you not?

Ben McAdoo looks like he shouldn’t be allowed within 500 feet of a school.

Sunrise, Florida vs. Edmonton, Alberta sounds like a potential ratings bonanza for ABC.

Of course Jaylen Brown hit the big shot right in front of Drake Maye and Guy Fieri.

At least Javon Baker got Ju Ju out his wheelchair.

Dunkin Donuts iced coffee is the true measure of Karma. No cup tastes the same as the last and the more good energy you put into the world, the better cup you’ll get in return.

Cakes are cooking for Tommy John, George Best, Bernie Taupin, Steven Morrissey, José Mesa, Alison Eastwood, Naomi Campbell, Corey Croom, Katie Price, Maggie Q, and Apolo Anton Ohno.

What time is the 8pm tipoff?

I am so perplexed by some of you who think I want, or need, anything from my work. I do need to avoid starving (on the whole), and it’s ideal when I am in the zone, but, at the end of the day, I just deploy my skillset as I am called to serve. Anything else is a fringe benefit.

Sweeney said that no Bruins are scheduled for offseason surgery.

Orange Line Reminder: May 20-23, Nights only from 8:30 PM to the end of service. Shuttle Buses replace service between Oak Grove and North Station due to bridge and track work. Commuter Rail Haverhill Line will be available for alternate service.

There’s nothing like the intensity of a Game Seven.

Charlotte Wilder went from Fox Sports to Dan LeBatard to Plain Black Hat in two years. Kevin Spacey had a gentler fall from grace.

Red Sox are right in the meaty part of the win/loss curve.

It’s a damn shame no one hacks anymore. Nothing like getting in a circle and kicking the bag around. And Cons were the best hacking shoe. Perfect in-step, and flexible ankle.

Hey gang of spectral phenomenists, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I am too old to be fighting ghosts.”

You don’t HAVE to weirdly overpraise the Knicks NBA blue checks. It’s not a rule or anything.

I had Cannoli ice cream for the first time on this day five years ago. I did at an ice cream shop near the Baseball Hall Of Fame in Cooperstown. Since then, I have seen Cannoli ice cream at a few other ice cream shops.

TJ McConnell is such a smart player. Crafty. Underrated athlete.

Have to admit those Texans lettermen setups were some sharp looking jackets, even if it was a terrible idea.

This Bridgerton season is NOT healthy for us delusional yearners.

I impinged one of my ECF nerves once.

Tweet asking whether there is any recent player whose career has fallen apart like Andrew Benintendi’s. It’s as common as dirt. Go back to 2019 and look for young players who were playing well then, and you’ll find 20 of them. . .Javy Baez, Roughned Odor, Nomar Mazara.

I’m sorry you don’t think I went to Celtics games in the 80s, Filter Pig.

Chris, FOR YEARS I’ve beat some of the best prognosticators in the World. I have never lost. YOU are the only one who beats me every year. Your early pick on American Idol Won last night with Abby Carter Hats off to you Friend

If you feel that it’s real, I’m on trial
And I’m here, yeah, in your prison
Like a coin in your mint
I am dented and I’m spent with high treason

Through a glass eye, your throne
Is the one danger zone
Take me to the pilot for control
Take me to the pilot of your soul

Take me to the pilot
Lead me through the chamber
Take me to the pilot
I am but a stranger

I will say – casting Lazar as the pompous know it all dick was spot on.

Hear me out…IF the Finals is Celtics vs. T-Wolves both teams should be forced to play KG for at least 3 minutes. Celtics get him for 4 games (first seed privilege), T-Wolves get him for 3. Cs get him games 1 & 2 then rotate game by game. This is the way.

Honk if you remember Nicholas Colasanto.

I don’t think Aidan had gotten around to investing his grift money into making his site less AIDSy.

20 years from now, when your kid asks you just how injury-depleted the Knicks were in their second-round matchup vs. the Pacers in 2024, tell them that Alec Burks was New York’s third-leading scorer in the series (and NY’s second-leading scorer over the final four games).

Rylo Huncho died doing what he loved.

Gun to my head, I would have said there were eight PWHL teams.

I’m not calling a grown man, “Bronny.”

If Jayson Tatum shot 6-for-24 in a Game 7 people would be destroying him, win or lose. Anthony Edwards does it and he’s the new face of the NBA? If I wasn’t such a big Ant fan I’d find this very annoying as a Celtics fan.

Who is the American League version of Ed Kranepool? Let us know in the comments.

Ted Johnson’s Rosemary Kennedy impersonation, while strikingly accurate, was in poor taste this morning in my opinion.

Best bet for the holiday weekend: media personalities being forced to reassess their unfairly negative opinion of the Celtics.

Well, that’s like, your opinion, man.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, NO Mark Farinella, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Hos soon is now?

And Happy Birthday to Damariscotta’s own Anna Belknap, star of stage, screen and television.

5/15/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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You think the old barn will be rocking the next couple nights? Heh heh.

(Editor’s Note: in last week’s Junk Drawer a quote from Mark Farinella was mistakenly attributed to comedian Mitch Hedberg. We apologize for the error and thank Mr. Farinella for pointing it out.)

I bet everyone is happy the Celtics came back on the road and finally won a close playoff game.

Drew Bledsoe rooted for Roy Stalin in Better Off Dead.

You could run a black light over the court at MSG and not find any winning DNA.

Who greenlit Harrison Butker’s commencement speech? Nick Adams? Fred Waterford?

A quarter of the season done, and the Red Sox lead the league in ERA. If that holds up, it would be the first time that has happened since two years before the Magna Carta was signed.

Drew Bledsoe is the Platonic ideal of a coach’s kid.

Will rookies wearing their actual game numbers improve Patriots coverage this year?

Nothing says I’m a dickhead Boston cop like a bald head and a goatee.

Cakes are cooking for Anna Maria Alberghetti, Wavy Gravy, Don Nelson, Brian Eno, Chazz Palminteri, George Brett, Mike Oldfield, Dan Patrick, Kevin Von Erich, Melle Mel, John Smoltz, Emmitt Smith, Desmond Howard, Jennifer Rizzotti, Ray Lewis, Ryan Leaf, David Krumholtz, Josh Beckett, Justin Morneau, Jamie-Lynn Sigler, Christiane, and Andy Murray,

Max Strus has never actually hit a three against a team other than the Celtics.

Hey gang of potential sports managment agency clients, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Do rib tattoos hurt? I want one.”

Drew Bledsoe would be divorced too if he played in the NFL for 23 seasons like Brady.

I’d rather be backed over by my ciggy breath girlfriend than have friends that play fight with me after a few beers.

Someone please give Jennifer Connelly a meatball sub. Or two.

Shouldn’t Mother’s Day be every day of the year?

Red Line Reminder: May 18-19 (This Weekend) Shuttle Buses replace service between Broadway and Braintree due to bridge and track work. Regular Red Line service will operate between Ashmont and JFK/UMass.

Drew Bledsoe parks his car diagonally across four parking spaces at the supermarket.

Celtics are lucky Okoro can’t score-o. He has to be 0 for his last 15.

Leah Hextall. Naughty.

Hey Ken, find the dog food that I ordered on Amazon two weeks ago, loser. Yaaaaaa!

Spike Lee still alive? What a cvnt.

Drew Bledsoe’s sheared artery was the first time we learned he had heart.

Imagine being Turtleboy’s lawyer. After a while, you must be like, “Why are you such an asshole?”

Is Zack Cox trespassing?

The mute button loves PK Subban.

You don’t need to use the search bar Ma; the page you’re looking for is already open in a tab. Cursor up. Up. Up! No, don’t scroll down! Up! You see the tabs up top? right in the middle! Click there!

Drew Bledsoe would be friends with Shooter McGavin.

A: the1987 Los Angeles Lakers.

The fact there are Red Lobster restaurants in Connecticut is a point for the ‘CT isn’t really part of New England’ side of the argument.

If you’re looking for a catchy tune with a funky beat, you could do much worse than Shalamar.

When did Court TV get so bad/cheesy?

Honk if you’ve eaten at The Weathervane/Lobster in the Rough.

Kelsey Plum forgot her blouse!

Drew still using the roast from over a week ago as an excuse to keep insulting Tom kinda makes him look like the asshole we all know him to be.

And you may ask yourself, “How do I work this?”
And you may ask yourself, “Where is that large automobile?”
And you may tell yourself, “This is not my beautiful house.”
And you may tell yourself, “This is not my beautiful wife.”

Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down.
Letting the days go by, water flowing underground.
Into the blue again, after the money’s gone.
Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground.

Same as it ever was, same as it ever was.
Same as it ever was, same as it ever was.
Same as it ever was, same as it ever was.
Same as it ever was, same as it ever was.

Radar guns have changed. There is no way that all these pitchers hit 100mph so consistently. No one threw it faster than Nolan Ryan but now every middle-reliever does? Impossible.

Dallas’s NHL team should have been named the Lone Stars.

UConn is a baseball school.

Can you really cry while giving a speech about the loss of masculinity? Asking for an idiot kicker.

Who’s the Florida Panthers diving coach, Thornton Mellon? Bravo.

Statistics that other people research and post should get acknowledged or attributed to them if they are used, not just stolen. It’s a lousy thing to do.

Drew Bledsoe got traded to another team in the division.

Red Lobster got Frying Dutchman’d with its ultimate endless shrimp promotion. Arrrrr!

Welcome to the big leagues, Caitlin Clark.

Best bet for the weekend: Not Mystik Dan. Sorrey!

Boston cop physiognomy.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, but nothing from Mark Farinella, don’t you worry your pretty little head, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. The second time around. Ooh, the second time is so much better, baby.

BdlG at the WHCD.

5/8/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Plain B(lack) Hat. He’s back.

Shertenlieb to WZLX? Our short, regional nightmare is finally over. But will the wacky bits work sandwiched between Meatloaf and Molly Hatchet? Enjoy obscurity.

You all want Tatum to be a point guard. Don’t @ me.

Mmmm, meatloaf sandwich.

Upton Bell was still working in football the last time the Knicks won a title.

Boy that Gorman “goodnight,” huh? That’s one you don’t forget.

Watching Lohrei handle the puck immediately after Wotherspoon is hilarious. It’s like they play different sports.

Why are the refs so deferential to Denver? It makes zero sense.

Cakes are cooking for Gary Glitter, Chris Frantz, Mike D’Antoni, Philip Bailey, Alex Van Halen, Bill Cowher, Lovie Smith, Ronnie Lott, Melissa Gilbert, Omar Camporese, Hiromi Arakawa, Enrique Iglesias, Jussi Markkanen, Joe Bonnamassa, John Maine, Adrian Gonzalez, Kemba Walker, and Olivia Culpo.

Kobe anally raped a woman, but Pat Bev was mean to the middle-aged lady. He should leave.

The Mets are like the lottery one day you win big and the next day you lose a lot.

Jalen Brunson looks like Abby Chin without makeup.

They fired the reigning In Season Tournament winning coach? Odd. And sad.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Are you going to spend vacation watching a trial on your phone?”

Macklin Celebrini? That’s not a hockey player name, that’s the name of an advertising agency.

It’s free to subscribe to Pat Bev’s podcast. That lady was just being difficult.

What do people even do with bookmarks?

Tatum is gonna have to take over one of these times and steal us a game. Or perhaps even steal us a series. Or neither, seeing as basketball is a team sport.

How much at auction would Darren pay for ‘genuine human emotions?’

Carlo has a kid – flies in late, plays, scores. Rudy Gobert has a kid- smokes weed, goes on the ‘Gram, misses game(s).

Hope Keith Foulke is happy that he lost a fan!

Red Line Reminder: May 11-12 (This Weekend) Shuttle Buses replace service between Broadway and North Quincy due to bridge and track work. Regular Red Line service will operate between Ashmont and JFK/UMass during this work.

Jamal Murray looks like an extra in Raid on Entebbe.

Carl Yastrzemski. I stood next to him once at a store. There were a handful of men there. None of us spoke to him, though he gave me a head nod. I know he is a man and yet somehow, we all knew that he is more than that. He quietly disappeared from the store as if he was an apparition.

The Indianapolis Star’s Gregg Doyel is in the middle of a two-week suspension after the Caitlin Clark press-conference controversy. He will not cover any Fever games live this summer.

Shukri must be the Philly equivalent of Charlie on the MTA. All abroad!

Pitchbots are a stain on the beautiful troll community.

My kid just walked into the room. Sees Leafs vs. Bruins warming up on TV. “What? It’s boy’s hockey” with full indignation. “Why isn’t there girl’s hockey on?” She’s 5 and will never know a world where we can’t just turn our TV on and see pro women’s hockey players, and I love it.

Why does Kenny Smith need to have a video if all he’s doing is counting to 12?

Friends say it’s fine, friends say it’s good.
Everybody says it’s just like Robin Hood.
I move like a cat, talk like a rat, sting like a bee.
Babe, I’m gonna be your man.

It’s plain to see,
You were meant for me.
Yeah, I’m your boy,
Your 20th century toy.

Kendra Middleton’s peanut allergy story was lifted straight out of the film Fallen.

PWHL Boston – playoff bound.

Mutnansky is still in Monte Carlo playing baccarat with his Kentucky Derby winnings, right?

Just say you don’t know the joke. It’s OK.

If you take Aiden the Turtleboy’s place in line for the Karen Read case, he’s gonna kick you out of the Lollipop Guild.

Sears has medicine balls on sale today. Great prices.

Does interviewing Samir Suleiman satisfy the Rooney Rule the way having Brandon Hunt in for an interview does?

Honk if you remember the Dunkin coffee coolatta.

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Love that there’s more outrage about Pat Beverly being mean to a reporter than there is about him beaning a woman in the crowd in the head with a basketball.

No, you did not ‘catch a stray’ during the Tom Brady Roast.

I can take 30 Minions right now and throw them in the NFL. You cannot take 30 NFL players and put them in the Minion Ice Cave. jmt

ACAB and ‘bitch clearly did it’ are not mutually exclusive thoughts.

What is it with Kennedys always losing part of their brains?

Best bet for the weekend: packed brunch spots on Mother’s Day.

WOW.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Mitch Hedberg, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. What you gonna do when you get out of jail?

And a happy birthday to Josie Maran, SI swimsuit model, actress and skincare & cosmetics entrepreneur.

Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer: Emergency Tom Brady Roast Edition

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“Jeff Ross is so ugly not even Mengele would operate on him.”

I hope Alex Guerrero can cure whatever cancer Jeff Ross has.

Kevin Hart, I loved him as that elf in Bad Santa. He should have tried being funny last night.

Nikki Glaser did her homework and knew the guy Gisele is fucking teaches jiu jitsu, not karate. No hill run for her.

How is Drew Bledsoe funnier than actual comedians?

What’s the deal with trans Urkel? Oh, the deal is she is actually funny. Refreshing!

“I don’t know much about football, but I did spend a night on Revis Island!”

That pair of comedians set was less funny than McNally and Jastremski.

Oh great, Ron Burgundy. This bit certainly hasn’t gotten old. Will is lost without Adam McKay.

Dana White couldn’t find two UFC fighters to sit at his table who could pass for straight? What is this, the octagon, or The Birdcage?

Did Matt Chatham make the trip, or was there a rub signing at Wegmans?

“Tom’s taking such a beating tonight; they should change his name to ‘Ted Johnson’s Wife.’”

They needed to factor in more applause time for Belichick.

The audience really didn’t like Aaron Hernandez jokes. His feelings can’t get hurt.

Some Andy Reid clock management by Gronk for his segment.

Ben Affleck’s worst performance since Phantoms.

“Tara Reed’s tits think the docs botched your face, Tom.”

The joke should have been Tom would have confessed to deflating the footballs for ten million dollars.

All the gay jokes landed because being a homo is bad. What?

Schefty doesn’t really believe Tom admitted doing IT, he is just protecting ESPN’s tarnished reputation.

“And Dana White is here, Hi Dana! There’s been a lot of jokes about my ex-wife tonight, but Dana has been happily married for 25 years. I guess the secret is you gotta slap them every once in awhile. Damn, I should have tried that.”

Even if you only read body language at a Rob Gronkowski-level, it was thuddingly obvious Bill wanted absolutely nothing to do with that toast at the podium with Bob.

Mr Kraft, he didn’t look great last night. Made Jeff Ross look like Edelman by comparison. Do they make Yeezy’s with those Joe Biden no-trip soles?

I needed like 30 more massage parlor jokes.

Assembled from the instant reactions of #the15. A regular Sports Junk Drawer will appear on its usual day.

“Kevin Mannix never got a dinner.”
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