Pokes v. Pats Prev, bro.

12/15/1996 Cowboys last beat New England

 Note:  It’s been a head in my hands type of week.  Not feeling well physically or mentally.  Had to take off work and I feel so bad about it.  I’ll be with you guys 100% moving forward tho.  It sucks having to take a mental health breather but I need it.

Every high school had at leat one a front-running asshole who wore one of these.

              Well folks, the Patriots did the impossible last Sunday at Houston.  They came out victorious.  With major gaps on the offensive line due to injury and irresponsibility, New England was able to improve to 2-3.  Unfortunately, they are in a dogfight currently for the last Wild Card space with a mere twelve games left on the schedule. 

Fat. Fast.

            America’s team comes to town on Sunday with weapons that most Patriots fans would covet.  There will certainly be a challenge in that Dallas comes to the ‘boro with a two headed attack with explosive players in each facet of the game. (Editor’s Note: there are, of course, three facets to the game) Ezekiel Elliot comes in boasting a massive stature, as if he has been training in a Woburn office park.  CeeDee Lamb is a dynamic receiver, begging the question again if the Patriots will ever be able to draft a quality downfield player. 

              Knowing Mike McCarthy, the Cowboys will do the opposite of what they should do in a game plan in Foxboro.  Instead of running the ball consistently, they’ll likely look to pass.  Matthew Judon, who has been a force on the DL, will be called upon to have another great game if the Patriots look to have a chance against America’s Team. 

Wha?

              Much like a GRAFF on cake, look for New England to play a 3-4 hybrid base on Sunday in an effort to confuse Dak Prescott.  Prescott’s struggles have been against teams like the Patriots, and New England’s disciplined front will surely pose a threat to him, even given his weaponz. 

URI is lucky Tyga didn’t need this needy schmuck’s plane this weekend.

              The Patriots owner, who ran away like a Braintree lawyer from an underling during deflategate, let the uRI Typical football team use the team’s plane to their game this weekend against Towson.  This leaves many questioning where the ownership is during the team’s toughest time.  Their former HOF QB has left, because the team gave up on him.  No free agents want to play in the area, mainly due to race related incidents on local radio outlets.  Yet, the owner seems to think it’s a good idea to just wax poetic with state schools.  Playing grabass with people who will be living on Aquidneck island in 3 years, and pulling over at the 7-11 on 138 in an effort to not poop in the car. 

Spicy!

              In spite of what local podcasts may spew, the Texans were not a good team.  That said, there is some value in winning on the road.  At the post game press conference, Matt Judon mentioned how it was good to get a win like that, as the team felt that they were playing good ball.  In spite of what the pundits say, this has been the case.  Ultimately, the team is a fumble and 3’ on a FG attempt away from being 4-1, but close only counts in horseshoes and hydrogen bombs. 

Close enough.

              All the world will be watching on Sunday.  It should be a good matchup.  Give me the home team and the points.  Patriots 21-14.

              A special shout out to friend of the column SteveR.  Made good on his wager in regard to the TB Bucs winning by more than 21 points a few weeks back.  Please consider a donation to your local animal rescue shelter.

A short home dog?

S. Tzu-Pei is an Intern and Lead NFL Writer for The15.

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