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July TO’s & Threes – Celtics Column -1976 Rewind

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By Vinny Jace, Special to the15net dot com:

So after the confetti fell and delighting in the promise of a new beginning, let’s look back at the last hurrah for the Old Guard Celtics dynasty. The old, hobbled 1976 Celtics nearing the end of their unheralded run of the decade. The last vestiges of the Bill Russell-era John Havlicek and Don Nelson stand at 36-years old, which in the 1970s for an athlete they might as well be pushing 50. In the final season before the ABA-NBA merger provided an influx of young, raw and exciting new players, the dynastic Celtics faced off against the Cinderella Phoenix Suns in what would be a memorable battle between young and old.

Watching the Celtics of this era you could tell this was the end, and even the vaunted cultural values exposed by Celtics great of the fifties, sixties and early seventies gave way to more me-centric style of basketball. While they fought to hold off a more harmonious opponent, the 1976 Celtics had subtle conflicts between young and old that would lead to a period of non-contention between 1977 and 1979.

Paul Silas stood for the old guard. You can imagine him on the 1962 Celtics next to Satch Sanders, hustling and making the smart players. But on the other side you had guard Charlie Scott who never saw a shot he didn’t like. Silas acknowledged the vibe was off, saying “One of these nights, we’re going to reach back and nothing’s going to be there.”

Perhaps the Celtics are guilty of losing touch with themselves during this era, and deserve more blame for trying to get with the times as they’d later regret when they acquired Curtis Rowe, Sidney Wicks, Marvin Barnes and most disastrously Bob McAdoo.

Historical franchises born into the lap of God tend to have a certain mystique to them, often attributing their own success to a code of ethics. The Yankees even before the George Steinbrenner enforced dress code in 1974, still wore a snooty, arrogant, clean cut attitude revealing in their superiority complex. The New England Patriots (until Belichick was ousted) preached many things, but mostly accountability and a dedication to preparing.

What the Celtics are then and still are is the most egalitarian franchise. While the league rushed to adopt the heliocentric model where one player has an astronomical usage rate, the Celtics spread the wealth making them pliable. From the days of Cousy, Heinsohn, Russell, to today with Tatum and Brown, the Celtics are not one trick ponies and will be damned if you find them in a position where they are top heavy.

The hinge point of the Celtics is the trading of backup point guard Paul Westphal to Phoenix for aforementioned guard Charlie Scott. Westphal was a young, budding star languishing in anonymity on the bench. Red Auerbach was left with a dilemma. The 1975 Celtics outside of Jo Jo White and Cowens, are an old roster, and White would not coexist with Westphal. White did not want to have nights where he was complimenting Westphal and didn’t get the shine.

Jo Jo needed a partner in the backcourt and it wasn’t going to be Westphal. Out he went and in came Charlie Scott. The Rasheed Wallace of his day in terms of fouling out of games. Scott shot the ball well on the stat sheet and I’m sure he was a quality player, but every time I seen him play I come away annoyed. The ball slips off his palm, he’s too eager to shoot and doesn’t move the ball to my liking… but that’s not what the stats say, so maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Scott performed as White’s companion and the Celtics finished 54-28, second only to the Golden State Warriors for best record in 1975-76. Scott averaged a 17-4-4 on decent shooting, and fouled over four times a game making him an erratic player. In the playoffs Scott would foul out of 11 of the 18 games, 5 of the 6 finals games, and somehow save his best for last.

Before Game 6 Klay, there was Game 6 Charlie. The Celtics won their playoff series in roughly the same fashion every time. Six-games it would take, with Scott doing the honors of slamming the door shut once and for all.

Vs Buffalo: 13-24, 31 points, 6 rebounds, 4 assists

Vs Cleveland: 7-13, 20 points, 2 rebounds, 3 assists

Vs Phoenix: 9-24, 25 points, 11 rebounds, 3 assists – 5 steals! (The box score didn’t track steals in games before the finals)

Phoenix headed home in the hopes of extending their Cinderella tale to a seventh game. On the backs of star Paul Westphal, and two precocious, extraordinary rookies Alvan Adams and Ricky Sobers. The 42-40 squad shook the shackles of mediocrity, upsetting the favored defending champion Warriors (because when they beat up Rick Barry he threw the game when he realized none of his teammates defended him). The gentle coach John MacLeod had taken his diverse group of veterans, cast-offs, rookies and made them title contenders through grit and spit. They played a better brand of basketball the Celtics did that year and is not a coincidence that a Celtic was at the head of it all.

1976 is the year everything changed for the Phoenix Suns.

Heading into the sixth and final game of the finals, after a three-overtime thriller, it was apparent early on that both the Suns and Celtics were punch drunk. White played 60 minutes and by the end of the night was sitting on the hardwood floor during free throws. Gar Heard led the game by playing 61 minutes. And in the heated Boston Garden Tom Heinsohn collapsed due to heat exhaustion. Fortunately, this being the 1970s he merely went home and did not go to the hospital.

Phoenix was not haunted by the loss the game before, coming oh so close to what would’ve been a commanding series lead. In fact, they were inspired. “We know we’re going to beat them.” Gar Heard declared. “It’s going to take seven now, but we know we’re going to beat them. We showed we came to play.”

Perhaps the confidence stemmed from the fact back in those days participating in a game that required such heroics just to finish earned praise from supporters and detractors alike. Back when we used to celebrate athletic feats of heroism and not subscribe value in the end result.

The weary teams, littered with battle scars limped around for forty-eight minutes hoisting up off balanced, out of rhythm shots having only a prayer of converting. The game was like if two prize fighters went the full fifteen, but the judges decided a sixteenth was needed.

No team cracked 20 in the first or second quarters. Boston held Phoenix to 13-points, the lone pulse of the Celtics offense being Scott who dawned the Superman cape for the third straight Game Six. Having fouled out of every game of the series, Red approached Scott and explained to him his importance and how if he were to foul out where the Celtics reserves were Glenn McDonald and Kevin Stacom they’d be in trouble. Scott only fouled 5 times that night and avoided fouling out.

Possessions resembled a car crash under the basket. The rhythm and flow of the game was off by a substantial margin, each team searching for that extra jolt that wasn’t there.

The game had a total of 12 ties, the Suns were all too real to be a fairy tale and never let the Celtics put them to bed. Garfield Heard and Curtis Perry regained their sea legs and established their running game and pierced the Celtics defense to a 66-all draw with 8 minutes left to go.

Boston couldn’t establish much of a running game and settled for outside shots (back when that was considered a bad thing), their tired legs couldn’t jump over a phone book and during the parade of misses the Celtics mustered a pitiful 34 points in the second half.

The shifting tide came from the tired legs of Cowens finessing the ball from the gangly arms of Adams, leading the the 6-9 center to take it to the basket for the only way you could get three-points in one possession pre-three point line. The Celtics cranked up the old machine one last time to shut down the Suns and in the blink of the eye the old bastards led by 10.

When the game finished it felt like mercy was delivered. The green teams legs seemed rejuvenated not only by the victory, but by the fact the grueling experience was over. The sickly Heinsohn who captained an old Celtics team with a dearth of options to the mountaintop once again.

When all else failed, the Celtics fell back on their time-tested values. The Suns proved worthy foes. The two clashed for the most underrated playoff series in league history, filled with countless momentum shifts and leaving it all on the floor. The Phoenix Suns experienced a rebirth. The Celtics gained another banner.

Not this one.

Vinny Jace appears on the Entitled Weekend podcast. He does not live in The Valley of the Sun.

TO’s & Threes – Celtics Championship in Review

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By Vinny Jace, Special to the15net dot com:

To win a title a team needs the stars to align, a peaceful alignment of karma throughout the cosmos. You need to feel God is on your side. The Golden State Warriors are the last team to achieve the dream of back-to-back championships, and even their talent-laden roster needed the big man from upstairs to do them a favor or two. 

The Eastern Conference may be the weaker conference, but the Celtics had their way with the West just as much. 

East: W/L: 41-11

Wins Per 82 Games: 65

Net rating: + 10.1

West: W/L/ 23-7

Wins Per 82 Games: 63

Net Rating: +14.4.

Their win percentage of 79% (counting both regular season and playoffs) is good for 11th all time, one percent below the vaunted ‘87 Lakers. Their point differential of + 1,083 (+10.7) is the fourth highest in NBA history. What we’ve been treated to over the course of a year is one of the best teams ever to have stepped on the hardwood. If next year’s team is more human, then they earned that right to be so. 

The Celtics both won the title “ahead of schedule” and “just in the nick of time”. The core of Jayson Tatum, Jaylen Brown, Kristaps Porzingis and Derrick White will turn 26, 28, 29 and 30 respectively next season. They are either entering their primes, or in it right now. The nick of time aspect stems from the ages of Al Horford, Jrue Holiday, and the often unavailability of Kristaps Porzingis. Horford might’ve played his last game at the age of 38, and after 186 playoff games he finally claimed the ellusive ring. 

An underlying subplot to his return to Boston was his defying of Father Time. His tip-top conditioning kept him from falling out of the rotation like 36-year old Bucks center Brook Lopez recently did, and the Celtics staggering him prevented any chance of Old Al being run into the ground. When Porzingis went down in the playoffs, Horford’s minutes went up, finding himself playing close to 40-minutes for a team with a dearth of options to relieve him. How will Boston ever survive without him? It’s a question we might have to answer real soon (for now, let’s enjoy the moment).

Regarding Porzingis, the Celtics took strenuous steps to preserve his body just for this part of the year, for the all important 16-game stretch and as fate would have it he would be more of an obstacle to overcome. Missing a month when the team needed him most, a setback that would have ended any other teams season was brushed off. 

Health, regression, and random occurrences all play a role in the modern NBA in disrupting a would-be back-to-back champion. The Raptors fell victim to the ultimate anomaly in the Player Empowerment Era, their superstar bolting after winning the title. Los Angeles could have captured gold after 2020, but the short off-season following the pandemic resulted in injuries to even the iron man himself, LeBron. The Bucks appeared poised to be a dynasty with Giannis as the face, only for Khris Middleton to injure his ankle. The Warriors grew old and their young guys never grew into the successors to assist Steph. And lastly, the Nuggets with the Best Player In The World, Nikola Jokic fell into an unfavorable round two matchup versus Minnesota after losing a late regular season matchup to San Antonio and a rookie Victor Wembanyama dropped them in the standings. 

The modern NBA is a field of landmines waiting to be stepped on. The Celtics overcoming all of that to win inspires more relief than jubilation. A tearful, yet jovial sigh of relief. The feeling of security and validation. We can now talk about Tatum’s unique place in NBA history. 

Tatum’s total playoff points of 2,711 eclipses the mark of his mentor Kobe Bryant’s for most playoff points before turning 27. Despite playing in seven-fewer playoff games than Bryant, and when you factor in when he entered the league he had the best player in the world in Shaquille O’Neal, it makes what Tatum’s done more impressive because from day one he had to shoulder the load as the teams best player year in and year out. 

Tatum’s played 107 playoff games and has been an iron man his entire career, quickly rising up the all time playoff totals in his first seven seasons of his career:

Points 1st

Minutes 4th

Games T-7th

Assists 10th

Rebounds 12th

Steals 18th

Blocks 27th

Jaylen Brown’s played more playoff minutes before turning 27 than Magic Johnson, Giannis Antetokounmpo, and Jerry West (RIP). These Celtics at their core are battle tested, sport gnarly scars from various battles and experienced heartbreak that would break lesser teams – but not them. 

Some teams are cursed with the moniker, “always the bridesmaid, never the bride”. The 2010’s Oklahoma City Thunder and Houston Rockets through a mixture of bad luck and the mistakes ceded the era they seemed destined to dominate to San Antonio and Golden State. In the 2000s the Phoenix Suns always knocked on the door, only for it to never open. 

But there are teams who nonetheless persist and will never take no for an answer and sometimes those teams are rewarded by the big man upstairs for their ability to preserve in the mighty storm that is professional basketball. 

From 1962 to 1972 the Los Angeles Lakers for 11 seasons banged in the door until their fists bled. 8 trips to the final four, 7 finals appearances, losing to Bill Russell’s Celtics six times and then once to the Knicks for good measure. Then on Halloween night, 1971 after a tough loss to Nate Thurmond and Cazzie Russell’s Warriors, Lakers stalwart Elgin Baylor decided to retire and inadvertently kicked off the longest win streak in NBA history stopping at 33 en route to the title. 

The Bullets of the 1970s appeared cursed to be forever the Bridesmaid Team. It started when they drafted Wes Unseld to be for them what Bill Russell was for the Celtics. Pairing Unseld with Earl Monroe was like pairing Russell with Oscar Robertson. They crashed the finals in 1971 when Monroe ripped the hearts out of the Willis Reed-less New York Knicks; Bullets’ Gus Johnson made a critical basket late in the game to lift the Bullets over the Knicks 93–91, but stood little chance against Lew Alcindor and the Milwaukee Bucks.  

Baltimore went under a transformation, trading Monroe to New York, and Johnson to to the Suns. The Bullets remained prominent, but like the Celtics post-Kyrie didn’t have much star power to combat the Knicks or Celtics. Baltimore acquired Elvin Hayes from the Houston Rockets and drafted Kevin Porter in the third round of the ‘72 Draft. 

The slow, steady build up led to them shocking the defending champion Celtics in the ‘75 conference finals stealing two games on the road and ending them in six. Old Celtics guard K.C Jones was at the helm, back in the 70s Celtics magic was all over the NBA. Red Auerbach’s disciples led the Lakers to the promised land, many had hoped the same could be said for the Bullets. Entering the ‘75 Finals versus Golden State, the Bullets were thought to have the more complete team and favored in the series – only to be swept, losing the first and last game in front of their home fans. 

Just when the Bullets thought they couldn’t fall any lower, they lose to the Cavaliers in the Miracle at Richmond and Jones was kicked to the curb. Dick Motta is hired, the Bullets are wandering the scene in search of a purpose. Then all of a sudden the 44-38 Bullets, who were considered long shots to win the championship in 1978 found their moniker “It Ain’t Over ‘til The Fat Lady Sings” and finally climbed the mountain. 

Who said Bullets?

Through all of that, the biggest change the Bullets made was they signed Big Game Bob Dandridge (who was the Robert Horry ‘glue guy’ of his generation). From all the Perseverance Championship Teams, the Bullets are the ones who came out of nowhere. 

The Dr. J-era 76ers nearly won the finals in his first year, took a 2-0 lead over Portland, then Maurice Lucas fought Daryl Dawkins and helped them rediscover their mojo and the series was considered a runaway after that. They make it back in 1980, but the Lakers are deeper than they are and win in six. They lose a heartbreaker to Boston in ‘81 when they’d be favored over Houston had they won. Andrew Toney comes into his own in ‘82, murders Boston, but they still aren’t better than the Lakers. Their version of the Smart trade was moving beloved, long-standing center Dawkins for MVP Moses Malone. They ripped through the ‘83 season, went “Fo Fi Fo” en route to the title. 

Teams can come back from heartbreak, shake off the losses but after a while you need something dramatic to happen that shakes up the formula to give them the best chance to get over the hump. When Brad Stevens traded Marcus Smart for Porzingis this was one of those moments. 

When Danny Ainge departed, the shift from big game hunting towards empowering what they already had. Brad Stevens inherited the Celtics at a moment of crisis. Tatum was good, nobody knew how good. Kemba Walker was making a lot of money and was on the fast track to being out of the league. Stevens was quick, smart and not afraid to do what seemed unpopular at the time and that was empowering Smart by making him the point guard. Bringing back Al Horford when most of the NBA intelligentsia thought he was washed. 

The 2022 team was a test of faith in the home grown, 2023 was a harsh reality check. The 2024 Celtics are reminiscent of the 1984 Celtics, with Bill Fitch playing the role of Smart. A change was in order, the formula had grown stale.

Despite the noise both locally and nationally, the smart money the whole year was on the Celtics. Early on you felt something special was unfolding. After years of the breaks beating the boys, the boys began beating breaks.

Stevens knew he couldn’t help the Celtics to the fullest as the coach, and so he became the general manager and constructed the best team of the decade (so far). The 2024 Celtics net rating equaling the 2017 Warriors mark of 11.6, tying for third best in NBA history, second to the 1996 and 1997 Bulls. But the late-90s NBA was diluted by expansion. This era has more talent, is more skilled and better coached. There aren’t any “easy wins” anymore. 

Moving on from Smart allowed Derrick White to take on a bigger responsibility. What Smart provided was essential, but what held the team back was the psychological hold he had on the team. When possessions bogged down in crunch time, Tatum and Brown deferred to the alpha Smart who was left with little recourse but to shoot a low-percentage shot. The Jays needed to be pushed out of the nest. 

Tatum asserted himself more as an on-ball player, acting as the de facto point guard at certain times. His passing took a massive step forward, after many years of growing pains Tatum learned how to contribute when the jump shot abandoned him. 

What the Celtics accomplished is a testament to their ability to shrug off countless setbacks, and the front office for not falling in love with chasing big names. I don’t know how many front offices wouldn’t have traded Brown for Kevin Durant two-years ago. How many teams can ignore the incessant noise demanding the Jays be broken up, citing redundancy as the contributing factor why they haven’t taken that final step. 

The final marks: 80-21 in total, 16-3 in the playoffs. They are the first team in seven years to win the title after sporting the best regular season record. From the first game of the season until the last the Celtics were the best team in the world and despite all the noise, nobody came close to stopping them. 

The Celtics managed the health of Horford and Porzingis masterfully, even when the latter was felled by not one but TWO injuries in the postseason, the Celtics saw the adversity, ate it up and spit it out. They faced it all and they stood tall and did it their way.

Vinny Jace appears on the Entitled Weekend podcast. He does not live along the parade route.

6/19/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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They wanted Boston. They got Boston.

Winning is great. Winning that makes everyone else hysterically sad is even better.

No one dotted Dugie? Sad!

Jaylen Brown Finals MVP. He did spend some of that Supermax contract money attending a Sick Handlez Camp!

Willie Mays. You Say Hey, we all say goodbye. OOTG’s.

I’m in tears knowing Bill Russell’s widow was in Dallas for Game 4, and in Boston for Game 5.

Meanwhile, if wasn’t already, Bryson DeChambeau sure seems to have become this weekend what golf is continually seeking: A needle mover.

Dave Brown peacocking from his long dormant & locked Twitter account is peak Dave Brown.

Cakes are cooking for Salman Rushdie, Ann Wilson, Duane Kuiper, Larry Dunn, Kathleen Turner, Paula Abdul, Simon Wright, Mia Sara, Poppy Montgomery, Robin Tunney, Doug Mientkiewicz, Dirk Nowitzki, Garfield the Cat, Zoe Saldana, Jason White, and Macklemore.

Not only was that an all-time US Open, but my daughters wanted to learn more about the game, and I got to talk through the back nine with my dad at the house like we used to do after my tournaments and biggest rounds. Happy Father’s Day, everyone. It was a memorable one over here.

Having proper Sunday night HBO programming back is the best. It dominates social media the next day. We are so back.

Tons of people were helped by Jerry West admitting to being a maniac. Many cases of lives saved. “The Logo” taught me that it’s ok to not be ok.

Orange Line Reminder: Service changes for bridge and track work June 22-23: Shuttle buses replace service between Oak Grove & North Station June 24-30: Shuttle buses replace service between Wellington & North Station. Commuter Rail is fare free between Oak Grove & North Station.

Hopefully the next time all these Patriots greats are together is at RKK’s funeral.

Ime Udoka passed this up for pussy.

I don’t know how long ago Dennis Drinkwater’s seat moved to the aisle but how does he get into it? Does he hop over the back? Need to know.

Will Buck be wearing his Donnie Beardlsey skinsuit on one of the duckboats Friday?

Edmonton has now won twice, a win for each boob flashed by that nice lady.

Suggestion for Friday’s Celtics parade: Reserve one Duck-Boat for Wyc Grousbeck and his band, and play a Dead set to bring Bill Walton into the event. “Ripple” for respect.

Al Horford, aka the Dominican Don Nelson.

Don’t know about you guys, but it’s really scary to think that any one of us could be locked up if we drunkenly backed over a Boston cop. If they can do it to her, they can do it to YOU.

Hey gang of morons, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I’m still peeling confetti off me.”

Not great for the Woman In Sports™ brand that a hard 4 who grifts online retards considers herself part of the group.

Uh oh. Cotillo’s back on the soft serve.

Out of Jayson Tatum’s 40 highest priced purchased cards, only 3 were bought this year.

Trying to imagine what Bill’s reaction would have been if Brian, Stephen, or Amanda hade ever brought home a Cheerleader/Entrepeneur/Philosopher to meet dad.

This has been the longest day I wish I had more energy for the Celtics tweets 😦 I’ll be obnoxious all month if they win don’t worry.

‘Riding the side boards’ sounds like a 1940’s euphemism for gay sex.

I just wish Fergie would do every NBA Finals anthem.

The flow of porn spam from the usual suspects on Twitter has disappeared from my feed, and I have mixed feelings now that nobody seems to be trying to scam me. It’s like “wait, am I not worth the effort to try to steal from anymore?”

Abby didn’t need any gay champagne goggles.

Huh. I wonder why Bill forgot to mention the backstabbing rat of an in-over-his-head linebackers coach.

This human Subaru just femsplained to literal DNA forensic scientists the science of forensic DNA detectability.

Bill Clinton don’t become Willie Mays.

Sometimes I just shut up and let my past work talk. I earned these two days off and I’m going to enjoy every, single, minute of it.

PFF geting Betamaxed out of existence wouldn’t be terrible.

My favorite thing about watching women’s basketball is that they actually post up and use low post moves. It’s a lost art in the men’s game.

When the Starks & Baratheons get these blonde freaks up outta here >>>>>

Have the Revs turned a corner?

In the Boston Celtics 17 NBA Championships it has taken them an average of 6.12 games to win in the NBA Finals.

‘Claudia Bellofatto’ is a made-up name.

I can look out from the roof of this building I’m on and see five other buildings that I built. Three of which I saw from steel beam to final clean. I built half this block.

Today would be a great day for the race war to kickoff. Just like the Tet Offensive.

Gonna see the river man.
Gonna tell him all I can
About the plan
For lilac time.

If he tells me all he knows
‘Bout the way his river flows.
And all night shows
In summertime.

Fun Fact: women were disallowed from serving on juries in Massachusetts until 1950.

Somewhere in this town, there are crab legs & I’m gonna go eat more of them than the Rangers had hits Sunday.

Probably a relief to Jerry West that he didn’t have to see another Celtics championship.

Would you rather have one 12-foot statue of Tom Brady or twelve 1-foot statues of Tom Brady?

Narrator: The Mavericks as it turns out did not figure out the Celtics’ scheme.

There are too many withdrawals, no deposit , You can’t grow like that !!!

Wonder if Bill saved Linda’s fake cans for the new girl.

I’ve never figured out how they keep the baseball IN the hat when the hat jumps in the air during that dancing-hat thing where they want you to guess which hat has the ball.

With the Finals being over, how will people now learn that there is a new Bad Boys movie in theaters?

Honk if you remember Brett Hull’s Stanley Cup winning ‘no goal.’

That wasn’t a travel on Prichard’s beyond halfcourt halftime buzzer-beating three, it was a Eurostep.

Linda Cohn is still on TV? Well good for her!

I’m still trying to see ‘likes’ on Twitter like Homer Simpson forgetting to dial the new area code.

It’s really not like Anna Horford to use her brother’s fame to curry favor.

Imagine if Danny and Brad took advice from the radio talking men and the ink-stained wretches. lol

Belichick can probably still kill spiders and open tight jar lids at his age.

Also, I want the repaired Christopher Columbus statue the city is too scared to put back up riding on one of the duckboats.

If The Sports Hub had a Kevin, I think I’d know about it.

Best bet for the weekend: Ocean State Job Lot starts selling the ‘NBA Players Association’ championship merch.

Tom. Patriots Hall of Famer.
Eeep.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Dan Kelley, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. 

And Happy Birthday to Czech supermodel Veronika Vařeková. Všechno nejlepší k narozeninám!

6/12/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Big Day here.
Big Day there.

Lou thinks the first pitch home run was a bad way to start the homestand.

What if the Red Sox Twitter account changed their pfp for Pride Month to a zesty pic of Freddy Lynn, would that be okay?

When I was an opinion on an athlete’s ability to be athletic, I go straight to the two guys who can’t ride on an elevator together.

Dave O’Brien talking to Whitlock and his bionic arm and giving him “congratulations” on his birthday. Aspy!

Retinaculum? Damn near killed him!

If by ‘thriving’ you mean pulling in less revenue than the NBA G League last season, your players constantly bitching about low pay, bad accommodations, and having to play in Russia in the offseason to make ends meet, then yes, the WNBA was absolutely thriving before Caitlin Clark arrived.

Half of the crew in one of America’s most enduring movies were from Boston. Ray Bolger (Scarecrow) was a Dot guy. And Jack Haley (Tin Man) was born in Boston and grew up in Newton.

Trolls profit when you pay them with your attention.

Cakes are cooking for Marv Albert, Bun E. Carlos, Terry Alderman, Timothy Busfield, Jenilee Harrison, Mark Calcavecchia, Rod Latham, Derek Higgins, Paula Marshall, Gwen Torrence, Ryan Klesko, Hideki Matsui, DJ Qualls, and Jrue Holiday.

“We head back to Dallas,” they keep saying. That’s weird, as the series hasn’t been there yet.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

The NBA Finals will go at least 4 games and at most 7 games. Only 2 games have been played. That means there is at least 50% of the Finals yet to be played and up to 71.4% remaining. So, nobody should be concerned with who the 2024 NBA Finals Most Valuable Player yet.

RIP Chet Walker. You ain’t been up-faked until you’ve been up-faked by Chet “The Jet” Walker.

And then there’s Jerry West. He will be looking up and smiling at the Lakers all next season.

Seeing as CapFriendly’s days appear to be numbered (at least as a free site), I’d expect @PuckPedia to do what CF did after CapGeek’s pioneering run ended and fill the void. Can be the digital version of Williams to Yaz to Rice.

It’s been so long since the #Celtics clinched the ECF that I think Tatum retired and Deuce is starting at the 4.

Shukri’s life demonstrates the power of taking calculated risks.

I love the idea of “Yacht Rock.” But every time I turn it on, it’s more like “Every Song From 40 Years Ago That You Couldn’t Change Fast Enough Back Then.”

Looser orifice? Jerod Mayo’s mouth or Karen Read’s ‘balloon knot?’

I had some cilantro rice last night and enjoyed it. What a cocksucker I turned out to be.

Are we supposed to know what a Funko Pop is?

Tough for the USMNT to get the talent it needs with all the kids playing cricket nowadays.

Hey gang of pillheads, this Week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Leave her alone, NYP.”

Aaron Rodgers is skipping all of Jets mandatory minicamp this week because he prefers to be somewhere else away from football. That’s his choice.

Dart Adams didn’t get a New England Emmy Award for the Bell Biv DeVoe at Fenway Park Special?

To the good, the WCVB Eye Opener Team won a local Emmy, but then so did The Phantom Gourmet and Charlie Moore the Mad Fisherman.

This team of chokers has a Celtics franchise record for most consecutive playoff wins.

Creep don’t sleep.

Is all of Rhode Island under construction? Disgusting.

Wherever you go, I’ll be with you.
Whatever you want, I’ll give it to you.
Whenever you need someone,
To lay your heart and head upon.

Remember, after the fire, after all the rain,
I will be the flame;
I will be the flame.

Who knew that Turtleboy fans were so sensitive about salty language? The MSP, they’re cops, not fops.

So many young ladies with numerical surnames.

Honk if you remember Chick Corea.

A good college basketball coach at a big school can stay there 25, 30, 40 years. I don’t know that that happens too often in the NBA.

Make a series of it, willya Edmonton?

We get it, Coach Mayo, the bad man is gone, so let’s do some performative charity work. Hey, the team has all summer to learn those fourteen word play calls, right?

Deuce Tatum is like Benjamin Button, but instead of aging in reverse, he just keeps getting whiter.

Nice stupid tits, Ashley; those will age well.

Sorry to hear Jonathan had another box factory emergency to attend to and missed the festivities later today.

I enjoy all length of socks.

if I was a horse I’d be down on my fetlocks praying Mut doesn’t bet on me.

Winning on the opponent’s floor wouldn’t be bad, Celtics.

Best bet for the weekend: a confusing Father’s Day at Clint Eastwood’s.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Dan Kelley, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Let’s gooooo!!!

And Happy Birthday to Brazilian supermodel Adriana Lima, who would probably never marry and then divorce a famous athlete. Wait, what?

June TO’s & Threes – Celtics Column

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Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice…

By Vinny Jace, Special to the15net dot com:

Ever since Joe Mazzulla became the Celtics head coach the importance of winning the math battle took front and center among the team’s priorities. So even as Boston shot their poorest, (10-39 from beyond the arc) they didn’t let the results or Dallas dictate their gameplan.

For two games Boston found themselves without their best player, Tatum could not go far without being smothered and often found himself unable to get open. This led to Tatum to becoming a facilitator, driving to the basket like a point guard, 18 drives in game one, 29 in game 2. Through his shooting woes, Tatum’s playmaking shines averaging 10 assist in the two Celtics victories. Defensively what Tatum has done, being tasked with guarding the opposing teams center, he played his part limiting Dallas’s ability to attack the paint through lobs.

The combination of Boston possessing so many on-ball playmakers, and Kristaps Porzingis and Al Horford forcing defenses to guard beyond the arc, drags Dallas’s bigs away from the basket and even if the help collapses on Tatum he can kick it to an open shooter in the corners.

What Boston is exploiting is the splendors of a five-out lineup, while Dallas struggles to hide their weakest link. While Luka shoots an impressive 51% from the field, averaging a strong 31 points, what he is unable to do is establish consistent ball movement into Dallas’ preferred areas on the floor. Boston just doesn’t fear the likes of P.J Washington and Derrick Jones Jr when left open above the break and they’ve given them no reason to think otherwise. Until a Maverick not named Luka or Kyrie Irving show they can make Boston pay for leaving them open, then those corner threes won’t be an option for the series.

All this and more.

While Tatum is guarding bigs and out-muscling them for hard fought rebounds, Luka is moving like there is lead in his feet. His shot is still there, the step back triple and mid-ranger is still dependable. However, for a player not exactly known for his defense, Luka has given an effort even below his expectations. Players like Daniel Gafford are supposed to cover up for Dončić, protecting the rim when the opponent blows by the latter. Yet, Dončić is unable to do that in this clip right here. All he has to do is get Tatum to go left where Gafford will be there near the rim to help, but instead he lets him go right.

Celtics have an opportunity this week to continue their road playoff winning streak Wednesday night, and then possibly to return home with no one left to beat.

Vinny Jace appears on the Entitled Weekend podcast. He does not live deep in the heart of Texas.

5/22/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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If you’re only going to hit one three-pointer, let it be the one that forces overtime.

Nothing like ECF nerves. Unless you’ve lived it you’ll never understand.

When you can go from the #1 rated morning show in town to a classic rock station with Ted Johnson, how could you not?

Ben McAdoo looks like he shouldn’t be allowed within 500 feet of a school.

Sunrise, Florida vs. Edmonton, Alberta sounds like a potential ratings bonanza for ABC.

Of course Jaylen Brown hit the big shot right in front of Drake Maye and Guy Fieri.

At least Javon Baker got Ju Ju out his wheelchair.

Dunkin Donuts iced coffee is the true measure of Karma. No cup tastes the same as the last and the more good energy you put into the world, the better cup you’ll get in return.

Cakes are cooking for Tommy John, George Best, Bernie Taupin, Steven Morrissey, José Mesa, Alison Eastwood, Naomi Campbell, Corey Croom, Katie Price, Maggie Q, and Apolo Anton Ohno.

What time is the 8pm tipoff?

I am so perplexed by some of you who think I want, or need, anything from my work. I do need to avoid starving (on the whole), and it’s ideal when I am in the zone, but, at the end of the day, I just deploy my skillset as I am called to serve. Anything else is a fringe benefit.

Sweeney said that no Bruins are scheduled for offseason surgery.

Orange Line Reminder: May 20-23, Nights only from 8:30 PM to the end of service. Shuttle Buses replace service between Oak Grove and North Station due to bridge and track work. Commuter Rail Haverhill Line will be available for alternate service.

There’s nothing like the intensity of a Game Seven.

Charlotte Wilder went from Fox Sports to Dan LeBatard to Plain Black Hat in two years. Kevin Spacey had a gentler fall from grace.

Red Sox are right in the meaty part of the win/loss curve.

It’s a damn shame no one hacks anymore. Nothing like getting in a circle and kicking the bag around. And Cons were the best hacking shoe. Perfect in-step, and flexible ankle.

Hey gang of spectral phenomenists, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I am too old to be fighting ghosts.”

You don’t HAVE to weirdly overpraise the Knicks NBA blue checks. It’s not a rule or anything.

I had Cannoli ice cream for the first time on this day five years ago. I did at an ice cream shop near the Baseball Hall Of Fame in Cooperstown. Since then, I have seen Cannoli ice cream at a few other ice cream shops.

TJ McConnell is such a smart player. Crafty. Underrated athlete.

Have to admit those Texans lettermen setups were some sharp looking jackets, even if it was a terrible idea.

This Bridgerton season is NOT healthy for us delusional yearners.

I impinged one of my ECF nerves once.

Tweet asking whether there is any recent player whose career has fallen apart like Andrew Benintendi’s. It’s as common as dirt. Go back to 2019 and look for young players who were playing well then, and you’ll find 20 of them. . .Javy Baez, Roughned Odor, Nomar Mazara.

I’m sorry you don’t think I went to Celtics games in the 80s, Filter Pig.

Chris, FOR YEARS I’ve beat some of the best prognosticators in the World. I have never lost. YOU are the only one who beats me every year. Your early pick on American Idol Won last night with Abby Carter Hats off to you Friend

If you feel that it’s real, I’m on trial
And I’m here, yeah, in your prison
Like a coin in your mint
I am dented and I’m spent with high treason

Through a glass eye, your throne
Is the one danger zone
Take me to the pilot for control
Take me to the pilot of your soul

Take me to the pilot
Lead me through the chamber
Take me to the pilot
I am but a stranger

I will say – casting Lazar as the pompous know it all dick was spot on.

Hear me out…IF the Finals is Celtics vs. T-Wolves both teams should be forced to play KG for at least 3 minutes. Celtics get him for 4 games (first seed privilege), T-Wolves get him for 3. Cs get him games 1 & 2 then rotate game by game. This is the way.

Honk if you remember Nicholas Colasanto.

I don’t think Aidan had gotten around to investing his grift money into making his site less AIDSy.

20 years from now, when your kid asks you just how injury-depleted the Knicks were in their second-round matchup vs. the Pacers in 2024, tell them that Alec Burks was New York’s third-leading scorer in the series (and NY’s second-leading scorer over the final four games).

Rylo Huncho died doing what he loved.

Gun to my head, I would have said there were eight PWHL teams.

I’m not calling a grown man, “Bronny.”

If Jayson Tatum shot 6-for-24 in a Game 7 people would be destroying him, win or lose. Anthony Edwards does it and he’s the new face of the NBA? If I wasn’t such a big Ant fan I’d find this very annoying as a Celtics fan.

Who is the American League version of Ed Kranepool? Let us know in the comments.

Ted Johnson’s Rosemary Kennedy impersonation, while strikingly accurate, was in poor taste this morning in my opinion.

Best bet for the holiday weekend: media personalities being forced to reassess their unfairly negative opinion of the Celtics.

Well, that’s like, your opinion, man.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, NO Mark Farinella, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Hos soon is now?

And Happy Birthday to Damariscotta’s own Anna Belknap, star of stage, screen and television.

May TO’s & Threes – Celtics Column(s)

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By Vinny Jace, Special to the15net dot com:

Looking Back:

There was no tension. There was no hyperventilation or sphincter tightening. The series was over, and it was evident the Celtics were in a different class than their opponent. Only through lapses of judgement and execution did they allow Cleveland to land a counterpunch. When the Celtics remained focused the Cavaliers stood no chance. Despite missing Kristaps Porzingis for the sixth straight game the Celtics notched the series clincher and an impressive mark of 5 wins to 1 loss since his absence. This mostly thanks to the 37-year-old center Al Horford who was asked to shoulder a larger portion of the workload, such as in Game 5 vs Cleveland when backup Luke Kornet was not able to keep up with Evan Mobley.

He played thirty-five minutes in a game the Celtics absolutely had to have. They needed the rest. They needed the confidence builder closing out two series in quick fashion brings a team. And Cleveland played like a pesky gnat not willing to be swatted. Whenever the Celtics appeared close to finishing them off the Cavs found answers to keep things mildly interesting. It’s something past Celtics teams would have allowed to cause discouragement and to wilt down the stretch. But this year’s team appears to be made of sterner stuff.

Horford quietly does his role, setting screens, pop to the perimeter, and have the ball swing to him for the open triple or swing it to a teammate with a higher chance to make it or if he wants, drive it to the hole. That’s Al. Old Man Al. Always putting the team before himself. His quick footwork sealing off avenues to the paint on Isaac Okoro, and his ability to stick with guard Darius Garland lowered Cleveland’s ceiling as you can tell Horford had an extra skip in his step tonight. Savor it, because there is no assurance there are many of these Old School Horford games left. Lord knows we’ve seen plenty.

The elder statesman of the Celtics that’s been through battles with Tatum and Brown when they were younglings, shepherding then through playoff series with Giannis, Embiid and LeBron, until they were ready to take on the main role, but Horford was always ready and willing to dawn the cape again if the signal was flashed in the sky. His name was in the 2022 series vs Milwaukee when Giannis was running his mouth and needed to be humbled. When Bam Adebayo was causing mayhem in the 2022 conference finals Horford was there to put a lid on it. When the MVP Joel Embiid looked ready to finally vanquish his longtime nemesis, Big Al kept him a conference finals virgin.

Just a simple gaze of the box score, 8/15 from the field, six triples, 22 PTS | 15 REB | 5 AST | 1 STL | 3 BLK. This while facing allegations of being “washed” after an iffy Game 3 and 4 performances. Ladies and gentlemen, I am here to tell you he is not washed. He just has to pick his spots. And when he finds said spot the Celtics better not waste it.

Looking Forward:

I think you’ll find it’s the exact same measurements as our TDGarden back in Boston.

The last time the Celtics played Indiana, Tyrese Haliburton was averaging 23 points and 12 assists, considered a shoo-in for First Team All-NBA and captain of a historically great Pacers offense. Since his injury his averages sank to 16 points and 9 assists; his playoffs numbers sit at 18 points and 4 assists. His hamstring injury continues to persist even long after its diagnosis. Some days he’s great, some days he isn’t. 

How the Pacers survive is through others picking up the slack. Indiana potentially has the best bench unit of the remaining teams this playoffs. T.J McConnell is a perfect facilitating point guard on the second unit able to keep the teams head above water when Haliburton is on the pine. T.J is quick, shifty, and decisive. Indiana is a lot like Boston in the regard when they are running they are borderline unstoppable.

Indiana’s calling card beyond Haliburton is they have more than one bullet in the chamber and aren’t reliant on just one contributor. If Hali isn’t himself, dependable Pascal Siakam can create for himself with a lethal spin-move. Myles Turner, the veteran big from Texas, can imitate Dirk Nowitzki on some nights, other nights he’ll defend the paint like Pacer great Rik Smits utilizing his 6-11 frame and 250-pound body. 

The Celtics primarily do their damage with Tatum bullying or finessing his way near the basket. His three-point attempts last postseason was near eight-in-a-half, now sits at six-in-a-half. The change is the strength he’s put in his upper body to absorb resistance and minimize off-balance shot attempts. Tatum is in the middle of his athletic peak. This is the time for him to attack, attack and attack. In the four regular season games versus Indiana, JT averaged 33 on 70 percent true shooting. 

Vroom vroom Pacers

I expect this series to be a track meet. Indiana cannot sufficiently defend, sporting the 4th worst opponents points per game at 120.2. The Pacers best friend has been the Celtics historic worst enemy: shooting variance. In wins they shoot 53% from the field, in losses that falls to 47%. In their Game 7 dismantling of New York they shot 67 percent from the field, ungodly figure that can happen in more than one occasion if Boston does not acknowledge the smaller margin of error they have than in their previous playoff series. 

Being without Kristaps Porzingis for at least the first two games (maybe three) means they’ll be without their best rim protector and lone constant mid-range threat. This means Al Horford will have his work cut out for him again with Turner, hustling and bustling for rebounds. Second chance points will be crucial and if Boston can win in that category it’ll go along way in pushing a hot Pacers team back to earth.

The Celtics will get to their spots and have open looks, Indiana cannot defend them consistently. It is up to Boston to MAKE their looks and remain ahead. Hali waxes and wanes with the flow of the game. If Indiana is in a big enough deficit early, he’ll waive the white flag and remind us he’s hurt. If it’s competitive or Indiana has another one of those 150-point games, he’ll be stunting. I love Hali, but his post-injury self is a front runner. Knock him out early and keep him down. The main reason this series goes longer than it should is if Lady Luck smiles down on them and they average 130 per night. 

Vinny Jace appears on the Entitled Weekend podcast. He does not live at the foot of Mount Monadnock.

5/15/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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You think the old barn will be rocking the next couple nights? Heh heh.

(Editor’s Note: in last week’s Junk Drawer a quote from Mark Farinella was mistakenly attributed to comedian Mitch Hedberg. We apologize for the error and thank Mr. Farinella for pointing it out.)

I bet everyone is happy the Celtics came back on the road and finally won a close playoff game.

Drew Bledsoe rooted for Roy Stalin in Better Off Dead.

You could run a black light over the court at MSG and not find any winning DNA.

Who greenlit Harrison Butker’s commencement speech? Nick Adams? Fred Waterford?

A quarter of the season done, and the Red Sox lead the league in ERA. If that holds up, it would be the first time that has happened since two years before the Magna Carta was signed.

Drew Bledsoe is the Platonic ideal of a coach’s kid.

Will rookies wearing their actual game numbers improve Patriots coverage this year?

Nothing says I’m a dickhead Boston cop like a bald head and a goatee.

Cakes are cooking for Anna Maria Alberghetti, Wavy Gravy, Don Nelson, Brian Eno, Chazz Palminteri, George Brett, Mike Oldfield, Dan Patrick, Kevin Von Erich, Melle Mel, John Smoltz, Emmitt Smith, Desmond Howard, Jennifer Rizzotti, Ray Lewis, Ryan Leaf, David Krumholtz, Josh Beckett, Justin Morneau, Jamie-Lynn Sigler, Christiane, and Andy Murray,

Max Strus has never actually hit a three against a team other than the Celtics.

Hey gang of potential sports managment agency clients, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Do rib tattoos hurt? I want one.”

Drew Bledsoe would be divorced too if he played in the NFL for 23 seasons like Brady.

I’d rather be backed over by my ciggy breath girlfriend than have friends that play fight with me after a few beers.

Someone please give Jennifer Connelly a meatball sub. Or two.

Shouldn’t Mother’s Day be every day of the year?

Red Line Reminder: May 18-19 (This Weekend) Shuttle Buses replace service between Broadway and Braintree due to bridge and track work. Regular Red Line service will operate between Ashmont and JFK/UMass.

Drew Bledsoe parks his car diagonally across four parking spaces at the supermarket.

Celtics are lucky Okoro can’t score-o. He has to be 0 for his last 15.

Leah Hextall. Naughty.

Hey Ken, find the dog food that I ordered on Amazon two weeks ago, loser. Yaaaaaa!

Spike Lee still alive? What a cvnt.

Drew Bledsoe’s sheared artery was the first time we learned he had heart.

Imagine being Turtleboy’s lawyer. After a while, you must be like, “Why are you such an asshole?”

Is Zack Cox trespassing?

The mute button loves PK Subban.

You don’t need to use the search bar Ma; the page you’re looking for is already open in a tab. Cursor up. Up. Up! No, don’t scroll down! Up! You see the tabs up top? right in the middle! Click there!

Drew Bledsoe would be friends with Shooter McGavin.

A: the1987 Los Angeles Lakers.

The fact there are Red Lobster restaurants in Connecticut is a point for the ‘CT isn’t really part of New England’ side of the argument.

If you’re looking for a catchy tune with a funky beat, you could do much worse than Shalamar.

When did Court TV get so bad/cheesy?

Honk if you’ve eaten at The Weathervane/Lobster in the Rough.

Kelsey Plum forgot her blouse!

Drew still using the roast from over a week ago as an excuse to keep insulting Tom kinda makes him look like the asshole we all know him to be.

And you may ask yourself, “How do I work this?”
And you may ask yourself, “Where is that large automobile?”
And you may tell yourself, “This is not my beautiful house.”
And you may tell yourself, “This is not my beautiful wife.”

Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down.
Letting the days go by, water flowing underground.
Into the blue again, after the money’s gone.
Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground.

Same as it ever was, same as it ever was.
Same as it ever was, same as it ever was.
Same as it ever was, same as it ever was.
Same as it ever was, same as it ever was.

Radar guns have changed. There is no way that all these pitchers hit 100mph so consistently. No one threw it faster than Nolan Ryan but now every middle-reliever does? Impossible.

Dallas’s NHL team should have been named the Lone Stars.

UConn is a baseball school.

Can you really cry while giving a speech about the loss of masculinity? Asking for an idiot kicker.

Who’s the Florida Panthers diving coach, Thornton Mellon? Bravo.

Statistics that other people research and post should get acknowledged or attributed to them if they are used, not just stolen. It’s a lousy thing to do.

Drew Bledsoe got traded to another team in the division.

Red Lobster got Frying Dutchman’d with its ultimate endless shrimp promotion. Arrrrr!

Welcome to the big leagues, Caitlin Clark.

Best bet for the weekend: Not Mystik Dan. Sorrey!

Boston cop physiognomy.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, but nothing from Mark Farinella, don’t you worry your pretty little head, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. The second time around. Ooh, the second time is so much better, baby.

BdlG at the WHCD.

5/8/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Plain B(lack) Hat. He’s back.

Shertenlieb to WZLX? Our short, regional nightmare is finally over. But will the wacky bits work sandwiched between Meatloaf and Molly Hatchet? Enjoy obscurity.

You all want Tatum to be a point guard. Don’t @ me.

Mmmm, meatloaf sandwich.

Upton Bell was still working in football the last time the Knicks won a title.

Boy that Gorman “goodnight,” huh? That’s one you don’t forget.

Watching Lohrei handle the puck immediately after Wotherspoon is hilarious. It’s like they play different sports.

Why are the refs so deferential to Denver? It makes zero sense.

Cakes are cooking for Gary Glitter, Chris Frantz, Mike D’Antoni, Philip Bailey, Alex Van Halen, Bill Cowher, Lovie Smith, Ronnie Lott, Melissa Gilbert, Omar Camporese, Hiromi Arakawa, Enrique Iglesias, Jussi Markkanen, Joe Bonnamassa, John Maine, Adrian Gonzalez, Kemba Walker, and Olivia Culpo.

Kobe anally raped a woman, but Pat Bev was mean to the middle-aged lady. He should leave.

The Mets are like the lottery one day you win big and the next day you lose a lot.

Jalen Brunson looks like Abby Chin without makeup.

They fired the reigning In Season Tournament winning coach? Odd. And sad.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Are you going to spend vacation watching a trial on your phone?”

Macklin Celebrini? That’s not a hockey player name, that’s the name of an advertising agency.

It’s free to subscribe to Pat Bev’s podcast. That lady was just being difficult.

What do people even do with bookmarks?

Tatum is gonna have to take over one of these times and steal us a game. Or perhaps even steal us a series. Or neither, seeing as basketball is a team sport.

How much at auction would Darren pay for ‘genuine human emotions?’

Carlo has a kid – flies in late, plays, scores. Rudy Gobert has a kid- smokes weed, goes on the ‘Gram, misses game(s).

Hope Keith Foulke is happy that he lost a fan!

Red Line Reminder: May 11-12 (This Weekend) Shuttle Buses replace service between Broadway and North Quincy due to bridge and track work. Regular Red Line service will operate between Ashmont and JFK/UMass during this work.

Jamal Murray looks like an extra in Raid on Entebbe.

Carl Yastrzemski. I stood next to him once at a store. There were a handful of men there. None of us spoke to him, though he gave me a head nod. I know he is a man and yet somehow, we all knew that he is more than that. He quietly disappeared from the store as if he was an apparition.

The Indianapolis Star’s Gregg Doyel is in the middle of a two-week suspension after the Caitlin Clark press-conference controversy. He will not cover any Fever games live this summer.

Shukri must be the Philly equivalent of Charlie on the MTA. All abroad!

Pitchbots are a stain on the beautiful troll community.

My kid just walked into the room. Sees Leafs vs. Bruins warming up on TV. “What? It’s boy’s hockey” with full indignation. “Why isn’t there girl’s hockey on?” She’s 5 and will never know a world where we can’t just turn our TV on and see pro women’s hockey players, and I love it.

Why does Kenny Smith need to have a video if all he’s doing is counting to 12?

Friends say it’s fine, friends say it’s good.
Everybody says it’s just like Robin Hood.
I move like a cat, talk like a rat, sting like a bee.
Babe, I’m gonna be your man.

It’s plain to see,
You were meant for me.
Yeah, I’m your boy,
Your 20th century toy.

Kendra Middleton’s peanut allergy story was lifted straight out of the film Fallen.

PWHL Boston – playoff bound.

Mutnansky is still in Monte Carlo playing baccarat with his Kentucky Derby winnings, right?

Just say you don’t know the joke. It’s OK.

If you take Aiden the Turtleboy’s place in line for the Karen Read case, he’s gonna kick you out of the Lollipop Guild.

Sears has medicine balls on sale today. Great prices.

Does interviewing Samir Suleiman satisfy the Rooney Rule the way having Brandon Hunt in for an interview does?

Honk if you remember the Dunkin coffee coolatta.

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Love that there’s more outrage about Pat Beverly being mean to a reporter than there is about him beaning a woman in the crowd in the head with a basketball.

No, you did not ‘catch a stray’ during the Tom Brady Roast.

I can take 30 Minions right now and throw them in the NFL. You cannot take 30 NFL players and put them in the Minion Ice Cave. jmt

ACAB and ‘bitch clearly did it’ are not mutually exclusive thoughts.

What is it with Kennedys always losing part of their brains?

Best bet for the weekend: packed brunch spots on Mother’s Day.

WOW.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Mitch Hedberg, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. What you gonna do when you get out of jail?

And a happy birthday to Josie Maran, SI swimsuit model, actress and skincare & cosmetics entrepreneur.

5/1/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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The only Mayday we recognize here.

Every quip on Twitter by a broad talking about what an Uber driver “said” to them is made up. Every single one.

What if the Toronto Polar bear has a humiliation fetish? Way to kink shame.

Dave O’Brien still can’t stop talking about a pitcher’s tempo even though there’s a pitch clock.

Jayson Tatum is Tatuming.

So we have one eyeshadow guy that likes the Patriots draft thus far, and one that hates it.

Maple Leaf Square should be renamed “Staple Loss Square” with how many times the Leafs get their lunch handed to them by the Bruins in the playoffs.

Did SkyCrepers pull out of sponsoring the Rich Keefe All Night Draft Party?

Brad’s going to trade that Executive of the Year Award for two second round picks and then turn those picks and an expiring contract into a 2027 first.

Cakes are cooking for Frank Beard, Rita Coolidge, Joanna Lumley, John Woo, Jerry Heard, Douglas Barr, Paul Teutul, Sr., Dann Florek, Ray Parker Jr, Nick Feldman, Dick Swett, Eddie Johnson, Steven Cauthen, Gary Clark, Yvonne von Gennip, Tim McGraw, Yael Arad, Bryan Marchment, Wes Anderson, Alex Van Pelt, Stuart Appleby, Curtis Martin, Wes Welker, David Backes, Ryan Matthews, Marcus Stroman, Anfernee Jennings, and Charli D’Amelio.

I’m sure Durant will be happy on the next team he goes to.

Hey gang of supplicants and courtiers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “You sound like a bafoon.”

I ain’t calling some other dude Kool-Aid.

Oatmeal raisin cookies are the identity thieves of the cookie world. From a distance you think they’re chocolate. Adrenaline spikes in anticipation of chocolatey morsels and that refreshing swig of ice-cold milk. Then you get nearer and realize you’ve been bamboozled. Crushing!

Are the rappers fighting again?

The smartest thing to ever come out of Lucy’s mouth is Curtis’s dick.

Folks, this should probably be pretty self-evident, but, for the record; I have 2FA enabled on literally everything I have setup in my life (which alerts me to login attempts or resets). Please, do not violate the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act of 1996. I will report it. K? Thx.

WEEI fired Kadlick the day before the Draft Party. You’d have to have a heart of stone not to laugh.

No Bron-Bron?

What’s this about Coach Mayo having a mural of himself depicted as a centaur installed in Gillette?

Red Line Reminder: May 2-10 Shuttle buses will replace Red Line service all day between Park Street and JFK/UMass due to track work. Shuttle service extends to Ashmont after 8:30 PM each day through May 9.

Aloha means goodbye. Norman Esiason, Aloha.

Marquette WBB junior wing Lee Volker has withdrawn her name from the portal.

Them Red Sox, they could continue to surprise!

We as a society do not give enough credit to the Reese’s Take 5 as one of our most superior candy innovations.

“Brainteaser” stumping everybody on Wheel of Fortune is a little too on the nose.

I won a really snazzy record player at an event for my grammar school. Which is really cool but now I need to buy records. Thinking ‘Nebraska’ or ‘Born to Run’ for my first purchase. Feels like a whole new world – straight back to my childhood.

The others were untrue
But when it came to lovin’ you
I’d spend my whole life with you
‘Cause you came and you took control
You touched my very soul
You always showed me that
Loving you was where it’s at
You made me so very happy
I’m so glad you came into my life.

Thank you baby.
Yeah yeah-yeah.

I don’t know, is Chicago even allowed to have a good non-Jewish quarterback?

Honk if you remember Francis Gary Powers.

Woke up the other morning and my wife left me a post-it saying, “Vontae Mack no matter what.” Ooops. Sorry. Eyes blurry. It says, “Pick up dry cleaning.” Draft day!

What’s the deal with all the crane flies this spring?

I hope Kendra keeps this same energy when one of her 98.5 co-workers inevitably says something racist. Again.

I used to ride an electric scooter to and from train stations commuting for work so I get the appeal of them. But these people now who have scooters to get from the garage to the job LITERALLY ACROSS THE STREET is peak laziness.

Being a Leo is great because anytime I’m accused of wanting attention I’m like, yeah literally astrologically I feel no shame about that.

Genuine Merch!

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Remember — it’s okay to ask for help. You sad little nancy.

“EDGE” is not a position. It’s called defensive end.

No one has the right to call Nick Cattles an idiot. Everyone has the responsibility to call him an idiot.

Jose Ramirez is fascinating, because he doesn’t look at all like one of the five best players in baseball, but he is. He doesn’t look like he would be fast, but he is. Sort of in the Rick Reuschel/deceptive body class.

The Heat have signaled they want to quit. Finish them, Celtics.

Conversely, Uber drivers make up stories about things sportswriters tell them.

Where are all the yellow seats, Dale? Reinstall them!

Best bet for the weekend: The Patriots doing something cringe on Cinco de Mayo.

The Aggregator Vanishes.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. And I can’t get away. To Live and Die in L.A.

And happy birthday to actress Joy Harmon, who you may remember from this scene in ‘Cool Hand Luke’.
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