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Football Cat’s Week 5 NFL Picks ’24

Posted on October 4, 2024 by naop Leave a comment

More wins than losses Week 4. How many more? Exactly enough, wise guy. Week Five:

(Bye week teams: Pumas, Plugs, Phils, & Pontoons)

SUNDAY TEA TIME
Jets vs Vikings (-2.5)
Biggest Viking defeat in England since the Battle of Stamford Bridge back in 1066.

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Panthers at Bears (-4)
Black Panthers haven’t partied like this since the days of Bobby Seale and Huey Newton.

Ravens (-2.5) at Bengals
Stripey cats take down scary black birds.

Bills (-1) at Texans
Tatanka topple Texans.

Colts at Jaguars (-3)
Spotted cats will need to leave the country to find a win.

Dolphins at Patriots (-1)
Mayo’s mutineers drop Coach Drip.

I’ll take any mutineers nose and hang them by the highest yard marker!

Browns at Commanders (-3)
Mystical fairy men get bogged down in the Maryland malarial swamp.

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Raiders at Broncos (-3)
What do you call a giant hill made of kittens? A meow-tain! (Try the veal, tip your waitresses and take Denver.)

Cardinals at 49ers (-7.5)
Purrrdy feasts on pretty Red Birds.

Packers (-3.5) at Rams
Meat men master muttons.

Giants at Seahawks (-6)
Fake Sea Birds sasquatch the Giants

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Cowboys at Steelers (-2.5)
Men of Steel win the Super Bowl X, XIII, and XXX rematches!

MONDAY PROWL TIME
Saints at Chiefs (-5)
After KC wins they will have successfully completed the first quarter of their inevitable march to a perfect season/three-peat.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 4 NFL Picks ’24

Posted on September 27, 2024 by bootlegbarnicle Leave a comment

Week 3 review. Not as good as week 1, but not as bad as week 2. Acceptable.

SUNDAY LUNCHTIME
Saints at Falcons (-2.5)
When in doubt, always bet against the bird team.

Rams at Bears (-3)
LA wins the Second City Bowl.

Vikings at Packers (-2.5)
The Sam Darnold experience comes to its inevitable end.

Steelers (-2) at Colts
Go Horse.

Broncos at Jets (-7.5)
New York nixes Nix

Eagles (-2) at Buccaneers
American birds soar over soggy field conditions.

Bengals (-4.5) at Panthers
Some cat fights are more visually appealing than others (e.g. Lucy vs Taylor). You can avert your eyes from this one. Stripey over black.

Jaguars at Texans (-6)
Spotted cats have to win sooner or later. It will be later.

SUNDAY DINNERTIME
Commanders at Cardinals (-3.5)
Little Red Birds are too tired after their long flight and fall to the Commies.

Patriots at 49ers (-10)
Hopefully the residual Friday Funny effect can carry the locals through the Sunday Sads. Purrrdy pummels Pats.

Browns at Raiders (-2)
Go with the Elves over the Elvis impersonators.

Chiefs (-7) at Chargers
Kelce will score 3 TDs as Andy Reid finally cracks open the Taylor Swift playbook.

SUNDAY PROWLTIME
Bills at Ravens (-2.5)
Hairy cows aren’t afraid of scary Black Birds.

MONDAY EARLY-PROWLTIME
Titans at Dolphins (-1)
Look for the Tits to burst out in Miami.

*Jan Hammer Miami Vice theme music intensifies*

MONDAY PROWLTIME
Seahawks at Lions (-3.5)
Big Cats bring the Fake Sea Birds down to Earth.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 1 NFL Picks ’24

Posted on September 6, 2024 by bootlegbarnicle Leave a comment

Football Cat is back. And not in pog form, losers.

FRIDAY PROWLTIME (bonus)

Packers vs Eagles (-2.5)

American Birds win by default after Corinthians’ ultras hijack the Meat Men’s team bus.

SUNDAY LUNCHTIME

Steelers vs Falcons (-3.5) The Birds of Prey better start praying. The Men of Steel pull off the upset.

Patriots vs Bengals (-6.5) Stripey Cats win in a laugher. Boston beat writers look the other way when offered an extra slice of cold Papa Gino’s pizza and a room temperature Bud Light.

Cardinal vs Bills (-6.5) Red Birds get stampeded by Hairy Cows. Let’s feast on their tasty wings.

Titans vs Bears (-4.5) As stated so eloquently last season: “Tits may be ass.”

Anne Francis, her TV character Honey West had a pet ocelot.

Jaguars vs Dolphins (-3.5) Spotty Cats feast on the Tua Fish.

Texans (-3) vs Colts Houston will not have a problem.

Panthers vs Saints (-4) To quote Shukri Wright(s) “if you think Carolina is going to win the division, I have a can of corn to sell you!”

Vikings (-1.5) vs Giants Bill Belichick’s dream job may be closer than it appears. Giants lose.

We journey to Jotunheim to battle the frost giants!

DINNER TIME

Raiders vs Chargers (-3) Brother Jim’s charges zap Tom Brady’s Raiders.

Cowboys vs Browns (-2.5) In Enid Blyton’s “Book of Brownies”, a mischievous trio of brownies named Hop, Skip, and Jump attempt to sneak into a party hosted by the King of Fairyland by pretending to be Twirly-Whirly, the Great Conjuror from the Land of Tiddlywinks, and his two assistants.

Dallas prevails.

Broncos vs Seahawks (-6) The False Seabirds win the Russell Wilson Memorial Classic.

Commanders vs Buccaneers (-3.5) Commies keep pace with Patriots in the battle for the first overall pick on the 2025 NFL draft.

SUNDAY PROWLTIME

Rams vs Lions (-3.5) Big Cats feast on juicy mutton kneecaps. Fetlocks? Lamb hocks?

MONDAY PROWLTIME

Jets vs 49ers (-4.5) Prospectors take down Planes. Achilles tendons may be intact, but hearts are broken throughout Queens.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Super Bowl Picks

Posted on February 11, 2024 by TheIntern15 Leave a comment

Biggest Sportsing Day of the Year, so far.

49ers (-2) at Chiefs in Las Vegas

Patrick Mahomes has more lives than a cat, but I can’t pick against Brock Purrrdy. Competent game management wins Soupeys. So there.

My SB MVP Pick? former Panther Christian McCaffrey

Halftime performance cameo appearance with Usher? Doja Cat.

Best SB commercial: Hellmann’s ‘Mayo Cat’

Thanks to all the humans who assisted in me making my picks this year. Except when they steered me into the wrong team. Hiss! Let’s do this next season! Unless I don’t want to.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s NFL Conference Championship Picks

Posted on January 27, 2024 by TheIntern15 Leave a comment

Football Cat would knock Will McDonough into a laundry cart.

Four teams, two games. Football Cat predicted three correctly last week. Let’s go!!!

SUNDAY SNACKTIME

Chiefs at Ravens (-3.5)

Missouri has bobcats and mountain lions, Maryland only bobcats. But the Evil Birds are evil and will prevail.

SUNDAY DINNERTIME

Lions at 49ers (-7)

Jungle Kings versus Purrrdy and his Prospectors. The heart wants the felines to win, but the head will stick with San Francisco.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Divisional Round NFL Playoff Picks

Posted on January 20, 2024 by TheIntern15 Leave a comment

If you followed my betting advice last week I hope you bought yourself something pretty.

SATURDAY SUNSET

Texans at Ravens (-9.5)

Wildcatting Texans look good. Evil Birds are evil. I like the upset.

SATURDAY PROWLTIME

Packers at 49ers (-9.5)

Prospectors Prepared for Packers.

SUNDAY NAPTIME

Buccaneers at Lions (-6.5)

Pewts versus Pumas. Can’t pick against a cat team at this point in the season.

No salty privateers would willingly tangle with this Lion.

SUNDAY SUPPERTIME

Chiefs at Bills (-2.5)

Bisons lose because of penalties called on their idiot fans throwing snowballs, and worse.

Football Cat’s Super Wild Card Weekend NFL Picks

Posted on January 13, 2024 by TheIntern15 Leave a comment

Football Cat has graciously agreed to work the playoffs after very successful regular season. And so:

SATURDAY SUNSET

Browns (-2.5) at Texans

Tricksters versus wildcatters. ‘Stroud’ sounds like a cat warning growl, ‘Flacco’ sounds like one coughing up a hairball. Texans win.

SATURDAY PROWLTIME

Dolphins at Chiefs (-4.5)

Stupidly cold weather favors neither team. So playoff experience wins out. Kansas City gets the W.

If there are any other cheapskates interested in watching the Chiefs-Dolphins game you can get Peacock for free if you sign up for a free 2 week trial of Instacart+ (whatver that is). You don’t need to give them any real info, I just signed up with my burner email address and a fake name; I used’Morris Katz.’

SUNDAY SUNSET

Packers at Cowboys (-7.5)

Cows undefeated at home. Will that matter? Of course it will! Big D big W.

SUNDAY PROWLTIME

Rams at Lions (-3)

Sorry Shovey Sheep, but this is the only cat team in the playoffs. I’m going to be parochial.

MONDAY SUNSET

Steelers at Bills (-10)

Bisons don’t deserve to win after getting the game moved because of snow. But deserve got nothing to do with it.

MONDAY PROWLTIME

Eagles (-3) at Buccaneers

Buccaneers have momentum, Philly does not. The Pewter Privateers win at home.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 18 NFL Picks

Posted on January 6, 2024 by TheIntern15 Leave a comment

Lots of teams resting starters in advance of the playoffs this week. I can understand that.

SATURDAY SUNSET

Steelers (-4) at Ravens

Will the Evil Birds take the gaspipe in the hopes the spirits conspire to keep Buffalo out of the ‘yoffs? Yes.

SATURDAY PROWLTIME

Texans (-1) at Colts

Wildcat Texans round up the Little Horsies.

SUNDAY LUNCHTIME

Buccaneers (-4.5) at Panthers

Bad year for the luckless Black Cats ends as it began.

Browns at Bengals (-7)

Stripey Cats are desperate, Browns have put the bag of tricks away until the playoffs. Cincy wins.

Vikings at Lions (-3.5)

Jungle Kings don’t want to go 3-3 in the division and won’t.

Jets at Patriots (-2)

Prediction: Pats Pirouette Past Planes

Falcons at Saints (-3)

The animals of God’s creation inhabit the skies, the earth, and the sea. They share in the ways of human beings. They have a part in our lives. Francis of Assisi recognized this when he called the animals, wild and tame, his brothers and sisters. Nevertheless, Saints win.

Jaguars (-5) at Titans

Spotted Cats disrespect the Titans.

Seahawks (-2.5) at Cardinals

Cardinals are real birds. Seahawks are not. Nevertheless, the False Birds win.

SUNDAY SUNSET

Bears at Packers (-3)

Da. Bears. Da Win.

Chiefs at Chargers (-3.5)

Chiefs win because of course they do.

Broncos at Raiders (-3)

This is the game that ends in a tie.

Eagles (-5) at Giants

Any NFC East team can beat any other NFC East team. Giants prove this in bad weather against the Phils.

Rams at 49ers (-4)

No Brock Purrdy, no matter? Not if the Shovey Sheep have anything to say about it. Rams win.

Cowboys (-4) at Commanders

Cowpokes want the #2 Seed. Won’t need much fancy ropin’ to get it.

SUNDAY PROWLTIME

Bills (-3) at Dolphins

Prediction: Payables Pork Porps.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 17 NFL Picks

Posted on December 29, 2023 by TheIntern15 Leave a comment

Football Cat is quite done with the holidays.

Jumpball Joe Flacco and the Browns did the expected number Thurrsday on the Planes.

SATURDAY PROWLTIME

Lions at Cowboys (-6)

Cows look to go 8-0 in Big D. They will.

SUNDAY LUNCHTIME

Dolphins at Ravens (-3.5)

Porps not quite good enough to beat the Poes in Charm City. Evil Birds win.

Patriots at Bills (-13)

Pats looking to play spoiler for the Bisons. Not happening.

Titans at Texans (-4.5)

Old Houston team surprises New Houston team at CONSONANTS Stadium.

Falcons at Bears (-3)

Poohs over Peregrines.

Raiders at Colts (-3.5)

Plunderers win indoors away.

Panthers at Jaguars (-6.5)

Spotted cats get back on track.

Rams (-5.5) at Giants

Shovey Sheep prove too tough for the Giants.

Cardinals at Eagles (-11)

Bigger birds win in the unfair feathery fight.

Saints at Buccaneers (-2.5)

Pewts get the home W.

49ers (-12.5) at Commanders

San Francisco! Washington! Feels like the 1980’s! Prospectors win along the Potomac.

SUNDAY SUNSET

Steelers at Seahawks (-3.5)

False Seabirds would take the all-time series lead against Pittsburgh with a win. And will.

Chargers at Broncos (-3.5)

Chargers scrap their way to a win against Old Friend Stidham.

Bengals at Chiefs (-7)

Why does it feel like the Chiefs have played 10 games at Arrowhead this season? Stripey Cats in a squeaker.

SUNDAY PROWLTIME

Packers at Vikings (-1.5)

Skol, Vikings!

See you in 2024 with the final week of picks!

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.