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Football Cat’s Week 5 NFL Picks ’24

Posted on October 4, 2024 by naop Leave a comment

More wins than losses Week 4. How many more? Exactly enough, wise guy. Week Five:

(Bye week teams: Pumas, Plugs, Phils, & Pontoons)

SUNDAY TEA TIME
Jets vs Vikings (-2.5)
Biggest Viking defeat in England since the Battle of Stamford Bridge back in 1066.

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Panthers at Bears (-4)
Black Panthers haven’t partied like this since the days of Bobby Seale and Huey Newton.

Ravens (-2.5) at Bengals
Stripey cats take down scary black birds.

Bills (-1) at Texans
Tatanka topple Texans.

Colts at Jaguars (-3)
Spotted cats will need to leave the country to find a win.

Dolphins at Patriots (-1)
Mayo’s mutineers drop Coach Drip.

I’ll take any mutineers nose and hang them by the highest yard marker!

Browns at Commanders (-3)
Mystical fairy men get bogged down in the Maryland malarial swamp.

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Raiders at Broncos (-3)
What do you call a giant hill made of kittens? A meow-tain! (Try the veal, tip your waitresses and take Denver.)

Cardinals at 49ers (-7.5)
Purrrdy feasts on pretty Red Birds.

Packers (-3.5) at Rams
Meat men master muttons.

Giants at Seahawks (-6)
Fake Sea Birds sasquatch the Giants

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Cowboys at Steelers (-2.5)
Men of Steel win the Super Bowl X, XIII, and XXX rematches!

MONDAY PROWL TIME
Saints at Chiefs (-5)
After KC wins they will have successfully completed the first quarter of their inevitable march to a perfect season/three-peat.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 4 NFL Picks ’24

Posted on September 27, 2024 by bootlegbarnicle Leave a comment

Week 3 review. Not as good as week 1, but not as bad as week 2. Acceptable.

SUNDAY LUNCHTIME
Saints at Falcons (-2.5)
When in doubt, always bet against the bird team.

Rams at Bears (-3)
LA wins the Second City Bowl.

Vikings at Packers (-2.5)
The Sam Darnold experience comes to its inevitable end.

Steelers (-2) at Colts
Go Horse.

Broncos at Jets (-7.5)
New York nixes Nix

Eagles (-2) at Buccaneers
American birds soar over soggy field conditions.

Bengals (-4.5) at Panthers
Some cat fights are more visually appealing than others (e.g. Lucy vs Taylor). You can avert your eyes from this one. Stripey over black.

Jaguars at Texans (-6)
Spotted cats have to win sooner or later. It will be later.

SUNDAY DINNERTIME
Commanders at Cardinals (-3.5)
Little Red Birds are too tired after their long flight and fall to the Commies.

Patriots at 49ers (-10)
Hopefully the residual Friday Funny effect can carry the locals through the Sunday Sads. Purrrdy pummels Pats.

Browns at Raiders (-2)
Go with the Elves over the Elvis impersonators.

Chiefs (-7) at Chargers
Kelce will score 3 TDs as Andy Reid finally cracks open the Taylor Swift playbook.

SUNDAY PROWLTIME
Bills at Ravens (-2.5)
Hairy cows aren’t afraid of scary Black Birds.

MONDAY EARLY-PROWLTIME
Titans at Dolphins (-1)
Look for the Tits to burst out in Miami.

*Jan Hammer Miami Vice theme music intensifies*

MONDAY PROWLTIME
Seahawks at Lions (-3.5)
Big Cats bring the Fake Sea Birds down to Earth.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 3 NFL Picks ’24

Posted on September 21, 2024 by bootlegbarnicle Leave a comment

Yeah, I know. Even the clamdicappers were laughing at how terrible my picks were last week. I probably would have told you the Pats were going to cover the spread versus the Planes Thursday. What can I say? It was a very tough week to be a cat. Plus, I only got 19 hours of sleep the day before. On to this week…

SUNDAY LUNCHTIME
Giants at Browns (-6.5)
If YOU think some Giants are going to waltz into Elf Land and come away victorious, then I’ve got some magic beans to sell you.

Bears at Colts (-1.5)
Colts clobber Caleb.

Texans (-2) at Vikings
Sam Darnold will be seeing ghosts and stars after this one.

Eagles at Saints (-2.5)
American birds can’t win on American soil. They should keep flying South.

Chargers at Steelers (-1.5)
One Har-bro can beat all your Primanti Bros put together.

*French fries and cole slaw INSIDE the sandwich!?!*

Broncos at Buccaneers (-6.5)
Fun fact: Bo Nix has the shortest full first and last name combo in NFL history. Hopefully that will assuage his grief after yet another loss.

Packers at Titans (-2.5)
Pack men gobble up tits.

SUNDAY DINNERTIME
Panthers at Raiders (-5)
Black cats ride the Red Rocket to victory!

Dolphins at Seahawks (-4.5)
Fake Sea Birds drop Coach Drip’s Dolphins.

Lions (-3) at Cardinals
Jungle Kings don’t even both trying to find the pretty Red Birds kneecaps, they just devour them whole. A little shakin’, a little tenderizin’ and down they go.

Ravens (-1) at Cowboys
Scary Black Birds open a can of whoop ass at Jerry’s World.

49ers (-6.5) at Rams
Brock Purrrrdy continues to make everyone forget about the worst trade in NFL history.

SUNDAY PROWLTIME
Chiefs (-3) at Falcons
Every fan in attendance gets two bags of chips, two hot dogs and unlimited drink refills. Which is good because they aren’t getting a win.

MONDAY PRE-PROWLTIME
Jaguars at Bills (-5)
Someone needs to ask Trevor who he is tanking for.

MONDAY PROWLTIME ACTUAL

Commanders at Bengals (-7.5)

Stripey cats get off the schneid on their own schedule, very feline of them.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

*The BBQ Sundae at the Big E was too much even for me.*

Football Cat’s Week 2 NFL Picks ’24

Posted on September 14, 2024 by bootlegbarnicle Leave a comment

Hey Lama, how about a little something, for you know, the effort?

I hope you set aside some of Week One’s winnings to buy some treats for Football Cat!

SUNDAY LUNCHTIME
49ers – 5 vs Vikings Brock Purrrrrdy and the prospectors plunder the Vikings

Chargers -5 vs Panthers Black cats can’t help crossing their own path, get zapped by Chargers.

Colts -2.5 vs Packers Horsies stomp the Meat Men into the unfrozen tundra of Lambeau Field.

Giants vs Commanders -1.5 Pituitaries pound Pol Pots.

Saints vs Cowboys -6 Jerry Jones and his many illegitimate children must have had a good laugh after reading that article about Rub-and-Tug Robert’s Hall of Fame struggles. Jerry’s good time keeps rolling.

Browns vs Jaguars -3 Spotty cats devour the mystical fairyland sprites.

Jets -3.5 vs Titans My father Bert Bell tells me that in 1959 this would have been a match-up between the “Titans of New York” and the “Oilers of Houston”. Much like Lucy will ultimately outlast Taylor, the original Tits triumph over the new Tits.

Buccaneers vs Lions -7.5 Jungle Kings feast on pirate patellas.

Raiders vs Ravens -9 Scary birds don’t break a sweat.

Seahawks -3.5 vs Patriots Good thing mean old Bill is gone, otherwise he’d inexplicably replace Malcom Butler as honorary lighthouse keeper at the last minute – with no explanation! WTF! The Mayo-noise will be earsplitting after the Patriots start 2-0.

SUNDAY DINNERTIME
Rams vs Cardinals -1 Male sheep stomp pretty red birds.

Bengals vs Chiefs -5.5 Stripey cats get their first win of the season at Burrowhead.

Steelers -2.5 vs Broncos Men of Steel can’t handle the thin air. The mile high horses run wild.

SUNDAY PROWLTIME
Bears vs Texans -6.5 After the he messes with Texas, Calib Williams will be left in tears, seeking solace in the loving embrace of his mother’s arms.

MONDAY PROWLTIME
Falcons vs Eagles -6.5 I love watching birds fight! The American birds prevail and the losers gets in my belly!

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Super Bowl Picks

Posted on February 11, 2024 by TheIntern15 Leave a comment

Biggest Sportsing Day of the Year, so far.

49ers (-2) at Chiefs in Las Vegas

Patrick Mahomes has more lives than a cat, but I can’t pick against Brock Purrrdy. Competent game management wins Soupeys. So there.

My SB MVP Pick? former Panther Christian McCaffrey

Halftime performance cameo appearance with Usher? Doja Cat.

Best SB commercial: Hellmann’s ‘Mayo Cat’

Thanks to all the humans who assisted in me making my picks this year. Except when they steered me into the wrong team. Hiss! Let’s do this next season! Unless I don’t want to.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s NFL Conference Championship Picks

Posted on January 27, 2024 by TheIntern15 Leave a comment

Football Cat would knock Will McDonough into a laundry cart.

Four teams, two games. Football Cat predicted three correctly last week. Let’s go!!!

SUNDAY SNACKTIME

Chiefs at Ravens (-3.5)

Missouri has bobcats and mountain lions, Maryland only bobcats. But the Evil Birds are evil and will prevail.

SUNDAY DINNERTIME

Lions at 49ers (-7)

Jungle Kings versus Purrrdy and his Prospectors. The heart wants the felines to win, but the head will stick with San Francisco.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Divisional Round NFL Playoff Picks

Posted on January 20, 2024 by TheIntern15 Leave a comment

If you followed my betting advice last week I hope you bought yourself something pretty.

SATURDAY SUNSET

Texans at Ravens (-9.5)

Wildcatting Texans look good. Evil Birds are evil. I like the upset.

SATURDAY PROWLTIME

Packers at 49ers (-9.5)

Prospectors Prepared for Packers.

SUNDAY NAPTIME

Buccaneers at Lions (-6.5)

Pewts versus Pumas. Can’t pick against a cat team at this point in the season.

No salty privateers would willingly tangle with this Lion.

SUNDAY SUPPERTIME

Chiefs at Bills (-2.5)

Bisons lose because of penalties called on their idiot fans throwing snowballs, and worse.

Football Cat’s Super Wild Card Weekend NFL Picks

Posted on January 13, 2024 by TheIntern15 Leave a comment

Football Cat has graciously agreed to work the playoffs after very successful regular season. And so:

SATURDAY SUNSET

Browns (-2.5) at Texans

Tricksters versus wildcatters. ‘Stroud’ sounds like a cat warning growl, ‘Flacco’ sounds like one coughing up a hairball. Texans win.

SATURDAY PROWLTIME

Dolphins at Chiefs (-4.5)

Stupidly cold weather favors neither team. So playoff experience wins out. Kansas City gets the W.

If there are any other cheapskates interested in watching the Chiefs-Dolphins game you can get Peacock for free if you sign up for a free 2 week trial of Instacart+ (whatver that is). You don’t need to give them any real info, I just signed up with my burner email address and a fake name; I used’Morris Katz.’

SUNDAY SUNSET

Packers at Cowboys (-7.5)

Cows undefeated at home. Will that matter? Of course it will! Big D big W.

SUNDAY PROWLTIME

Rams at Lions (-3)

Sorry Shovey Sheep, but this is the only cat team in the playoffs. I’m going to be parochial.

MONDAY SUNSET

Steelers at Bills (-10)

Bisons don’t deserve to win after getting the game moved because of snow. But deserve got nothing to do with it.

MONDAY PROWLTIME

Eagles (-3) at Buccaneers

Buccaneers have momentum, Philly does not. The Pewter Privateers win at home.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 18 NFL Picks

Posted on January 6, 2024 by TheIntern15 Leave a comment

Lots of teams resting starters in advance of the playoffs this week. I can understand that.

SATURDAY SUNSET

Steelers (-4) at Ravens

Will the Evil Birds take the gaspipe in the hopes the spirits conspire to keep Buffalo out of the ‘yoffs? Yes.

SATURDAY PROWLTIME

Texans (-1) at Colts

Wildcat Texans round up the Little Horsies.

SUNDAY LUNCHTIME

Buccaneers (-4.5) at Panthers

Bad year for the luckless Black Cats ends as it began.

Browns at Bengals (-7)

Stripey Cats are desperate, Browns have put the bag of tricks away until the playoffs. Cincy wins.

Vikings at Lions (-3.5)

Jungle Kings don’t want to go 3-3 in the division and won’t.

Jets at Patriots (-2)

Prediction: Pats Pirouette Past Planes

Falcons at Saints (-3)

The animals of God’s creation inhabit the skies, the earth, and the sea. They share in the ways of human beings. They have a part in our lives. Francis of Assisi recognized this when he called the animals, wild and tame, his brothers and sisters. Nevertheless, Saints win.

Jaguars (-5) at Titans

Spotted Cats disrespect the Titans.

Seahawks (-2.5) at Cardinals

Cardinals are real birds. Seahawks are not. Nevertheless, the False Birds win.

SUNDAY SUNSET

Bears at Packers (-3)

Da. Bears. Da Win.

Chiefs at Chargers (-3.5)

Chiefs win because of course they do.

Broncos at Raiders (-3)

This is the game that ends in a tie.

Eagles (-5) at Giants

Any NFC East team can beat any other NFC East team. Giants prove this in bad weather against the Phils.

Rams at 49ers (-4)

No Brock Purrdy, no matter? Not if the Shovey Sheep have anything to say about it. Rams win.

Cowboys (-4) at Commanders

Cowpokes want the #2 Seed. Won’t need much fancy ropin’ to get it.

SUNDAY PROWLTIME

Bills (-3) at Dolphins

Prediction: Payables Pork Porps.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 16 NFL Picks

Posted on December 23, 2023 by TheIntern15 Leave a comment

This is Badger. Badger has the Christmas spirit.

Big Thurrsday win for the Los Angeles Shovey Sheep. Now for the rest of the games:

SATURDAY PROWLTIME

Bengals (-2) at Steelers

Steel City unfriendly to Stripey Cats. Pittsburgh wins

SATURDAY PROWLTIME

Bills (-11.5) at Chargers

Chargers powerless to stop the Buffalo stampede.

SUNDAY LUNCHTIME

Colts at Falcons (-1)

Both teams need a win to stay in or return to the playoff hunt. Preybirds get that win.

Packers (-5) at Panthers

Green Bay get-right game.

Browns (-2.5) at Texans

Trickster Brownies pull another whimsical win out of their helmets.

Lions (-3) at Vikings

Hardy Minnesotans and their outdoor stadium get the edge here. Sorry Jungle King cats.

Commanders at Jets (-3)

The Planes are meh at home, the Prez are iffy on the road. Planes win.

Seahawks (-2.5) at Titans

Seahawks are made up, Titans are mythical. False Birds win.

SUNDAY SUNSET

Jaguars at Buccaneers (-1)

Spotted Cats get their first win this December as an early Christmas present.

Cardinals at Bears (-4)

Non-hibernating Bears win.

Cowboys at Dolphins (-1.5)

Pokes prove Porps can’t beat a good team.

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

Patriots and Broncos (-6.5)

Leave all the yappy malcontents like Trent Brown at the Denver Airport. Broncos win.

CHRISTMAS DAY

Raiders at Chiefs (-10)

Las Vegas gets that the smart money is on the Chiefs. KC wins.

CHRISTMAS AFTERNOON

Giants at Eagles (-12)

Someone’s losing streak has to end. It will be the Birds.

CHRISTMAS EVENING

Ravens at 49ers (-5)

Prediction: Prospectors pound Poes.

Football Cat wishes all of you a safe and happy Christmastime free from ignorance, want, & the cone of shame. Well, most of you.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.