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Football Cat’s Week 15 Picks

Posted on December 13, 2024 by naop One comment

Interns beware! It’s that festive time of year again, tonight is the “The 15’s Annual Office Holiday Party”. ( It used to be the “The 15’s Annual Office Christmas Party”, but Carl did 23andMe this past year and, oy gevalt, he’s suddenly kosher.) But have no fear! Whether you spin the dreidel, or your savior was born in a stable, all you have to do is follow Football Cat’s 7 simple tips for a funtastic Office Holiday Party…

Spot the total number HR violations in this picture! Whoever comes closest will win a bonus day off* ^_(*unpaid)

Show Up: You do not want to be labeled as a party pooper. Get your ass to the party, they’ll be free drinks (see Tip #2).
Drink: Drink! There’s nothing people like more than talking about the person who had too much to drink at the office party. You’re just providing a public service.
Eat: If you don’t eat, you’ll get drunk too fast (see Tip #2). It’s science.
Dance: On the floor, on the table (see Tip #2) , whatever it takes.
Talk to the Big Boss: Make sure you’ve had a couple of drinks first (see Tip #2) . And make it quick. Get in, get out. Don’t linger.
Play Your Transportation By Ear: You’re going to drink (see Tip #2) so don’t drive, but don’t plan ahead either. There’s definitely someone in the office with Clara Barton Syndrome, or maybe it’s Clara Nightingale Syndrome – whichever the nice one was. It doesn’t really matter, just don’t puke in Clara’s car.
Be Prepared: Bring an extra pair of underwear, your toothbrush and your passport. You never know what will happen (see Tip #2).

Good luck and have fun (see Tip #2)!

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Chiefs (-4.5) at Browns
Chiefs scalp the Elves

Bengals (-5) at Titans
Stripey Cats pancake Tits

Tigers and pancakes? Someone’s getting cancelled.

Commanders (-7) at Saints
Godless Commies decanonize Saints

Ravens (-14.5) at Giants
Scary Black Birds jar Giants

Cowboys at Panthers (-2.5)
Scary Black Cats spook America’s Team

Jets (-3.5) at Jags
My Good Friend Mac finally owns!

Dolphins at Texans (-3.5)
Texans barbecue Dolphins

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Colts at Broncos (-4)
Big Broncos corral lil’ Colts

Bills at Lions (-2.5)
Hairy Cows trample Jungle Kings

Steelers at Eagles (-5)
Yinzers take the Keystone State Cup

Patriots at Cardinals (-6)
Pretty Red Birds fly past Mayo’s men

Buccaneers at Chargers (-3)
Brother Jim Hawkins’ gang zaps swashbucklers

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Packers (-3) at Seahawks
Fake Sea Birds aren’t in the mood for Love.

MONDAY EARLY PROWL TIME
Bears at Vikings (-7)
Vikings plunder hibernating Bears

MONDAY PROWL TIME
Falcons (-5) at Raiders
Too bad Jerry Glanville isn’t alive to see his Falcons take down the Elvis impersonators #RIP

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 14 Picks

Posted on December 6, 2024 by naop Leave a comment

Have no fear! Even though the local gridironers are enjoying a weekend away, getting tanned and rested, there’s no bye week for Football Cat!

Don’t we have interns to cover for me for *one* week?

And remember, it’s not just the bye week, it’s also the BUY week at the official the 15 net store! If you don’t shop during the big holiday sale, you’re just wasting money. It’s basic math people.

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Jaguars at Titans (-4)
Tits motorboat Spotty Cats

Jets at Dolphins (-6)
Tua melts Jets

Falcons at Vikings (-5.5)
Vikings rape Raptors

Saints (-4.5) at Giants
David takes down Goliath

You don’t want to get on Davey’s bad side

Panthers at Eagles (-12)
Scary Black Cats spook American Birds

Browns at Steelers (-6.5)
Yinzers flush Browns

Raiders at Buccaneers (-6.5)
Bucs win the biggest pirate fight since the Battle of Cape Lopez

What do you call a *pirate* with a *cat* on his shoulder? *A purr-ate.*

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Seahawks at Cardinals (-2.5)
Pretty Red Birds pluck Fake Sea Birds

Bills (-5) at Rams
Horny Sheep win the Bovidae Battle

Bears at 49ers (-4.5)
Prospectors wake the sleepy Bears, get mauled.

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Chargers at Chiefs (-3.5)
Native Americans short circuit Plugs

Trail of Tears? Sounds like my prom night!

MONDAY PROWL TIME
Bengals (-5) at Cowboys
Stripey Cats do Dallas

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 13 NFL Picks

Posted on November 29, 2024 by naop One comment

It’s BLACK FRIDAY!

Don’t worry, a deranged pilot is not going to fly a blimp into an NFL stadium near you. It means it’s your chance to save SAVE SAVE!

Just visit the the official “The 15” store, and with a few clicks (and a valid credit card) you can take care of all your holiday shopping and enjoy all the football.

Them ore you spend the more you SAVE! (It’s simple mathematics)

Shop early and often, and remember to tell them that Football Cat sent you.

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Chargers (-1) at Falcons
Plugs zap Raptors

Steelers at Bengals (-3)
Men of Steel cage Stripey Cats

Texans (-4) at Jaguars
Spotty Cats claw their way to victory

Cardinals at Vikings (-3.5)
Pretty Red Birds should never have flown north.

Colts (-2.5) at Patriots
To all the little Drake-a-Maye-niacs, say your prayers, take your vitamins, and enjoy the win heading into the bye week.

Seahawks (-2) at Jets
Fake Sea Birds ground Jets

Titans at Commanders (-5.5)
Commies blast all over Tits

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Buccaneers (-5.5) at Panthers
Black Beards sink Black Cats

The impending cannibalism makes it funny

Rams (-2.5) at Saints
The Lord’s shepherds sheer the hairy sheep

Eagles at Ravens (-3)
Scary Black Birds rule the roost

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
49ers at Bills (-7)
Prospectors get snowed under in Buffalo

MONDAY PROWL TIME
Browns at Broncos (-5.5)
Elves can’t handle the elevation

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 9 Picks

Posted on November 1, 2024 by naop Leave a comment

Welcome to November! As a gift just for you, Football Cat is giving you an extra hour of sleep on Sunday. Just remember Football Cat’s internal clock is still on Daylight Saving time. Please be considerate to your cats.

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Cowboys at Falcons (-2.5)
Birds beat Boys

Broncos at Ravens (-9.5)
No post-Halloween hangover for the Scary Black Birds.

Dolphins at Bills (-6)
Hairy Cows trample Tua

Saints (-7) at Panthers
Black Cats get skinned on All Saints Day weekend

Raiders at Bengals (-7)
Stripey Cats save their season

Chargers (-2) at Browns
Elven magic short circuits the Bolts

This would be a much better mascot than Brownie

Commanders (-3.5) at Giants
Red wave drowns the G-men

Patriots at Titans (-3.5)
Ass over Tits

As far as the state of New York is concerned, you are the “ASSMAN”

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Bears at Cardinals (-1)
Not even two Hail Marys and three Our Fathers will beat the Bears this week.

Jaguars at Eagles (-7.5)
American Birds poop on Spotty Cats

Lions (-3.5) at Packers
Jungle Kings devour Meat Men

Rams (-1.5) at Seahawks
Rams steamroll Seattle

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Colts at Vikings (-5.5)
Vikings rape and pillage poor Jumpball Joe.

MONDAY PROWL TIME
Buccaneers at Chiefs (-8.5)
The march towards perfection continues.

TUESDAY ELECTION TIME
Remember,when in doubt vote Football Cat. Vote early and vote often!

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 6 NFL Picks ’24

Posted on October 18, 2024 by naop Leave a comment

Congratulations on all that sweet cash you made following last week’s picks (10-3 against the spread, and 11-2 straight up – not that we’re keeping track). As a way of saying “thank you”, head on over to the official The 15 Store and load up on some genuine merch during the big October sale.

I can’t believe this awesome shirt is on sale for only $16!

SUNDAY TEA TIME
Patriots at Jaguars (-5.5)
Spotty cats lose to New England in Olde England.

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Bengals (-4.5) at Browns
Stripey cats use the Dog Pound as their litter box.

Lions at Vikings (-1.5)
Jungle Kings knee cap the Vi-Kings

Texans at Packers (-3.5)
Texans grind up the Meat Men

Someone get Upton Sinclair on the phone.

Eagles (-3.5) at Giants
Baby New York wins the game, but loses the Belichick Bowl.

Dolphins at Colts (-3.5)
Drips dizzy Dolphins dropped

Seahawks at Falcons (-2.5)
Real birds defeat fake sea birds.

Titans at Bills (-8.5)
You’ll see tits on a bull before you see the Tits beat the Bills.

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Panthers at Commanders (-7.5)
The Swamp Things may not be as good as they’ve looked, but the Black Cats are worse than they’ve looked.

Raiders at Rams (-5.5)
Cleveland-LA-St. Louis-LA Rams win the Transient Bowl over the Oakland-LA-Oakland-Las Vegas Raiders

Chiefs at 49ers (-1)
49ers win the Super Bowl rematch, but don’t actually avenge the loss, then spiral into a deep depression.

I’m sorry, did you say something? I wasn’t listening.

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Jets at Steelers (-1.5)
Men of Steel master Metropolis

It’s a bird…it’s a plane… no wait, it’s eaten the bird… all the birds.

MONDAY EARLY PROWL TIME
Ravens (-3.5) at Buccaneers
Scary Black Birds get Buccan-owned

MONDAY ACTUAL PROWL TIME
Chargers (-2.5) at Cardinals
The bad night for birds continues as the pretty Red Birds get zapped.

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By using this website, you acknowledge that you have read and understand the foregoing disclaimers and release Football Cat LLC and its affiliates, members, officers, employees and agents from any and all liability whatsoever relating to your use of this site, any such links, or any information contained herein or in any such appearances or articles (whether accessed through such links or downloaded directly from this website). Any rebroadcast, reproduction, or other use of the pictures and accounts of this game without the express written consent of Major League Baseball is strictly prohibited.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 4 NFL Picks ’24

Posted on September 27, 2024 by bootlegbarnicle Leave a comment

Week 3 review. Not as good as week 1, but not as bad as week 2. Acceptable.

SUNDAY LUNCHTIME
Saints at Falcons (-2.5)
When in doubt, always bet against the bird team.

Rams at Bears (-3)
LA wins the Second City Bowl.

Vikings at Packers (-2.5)
The Sam Darnold experience comes to its inevitable end.

Steelers (-2) at Colts
Go Horse.

Broncos at Jets (-7.5)
New York nixes Nix

Eagles (-2) at Buccaneers
American birds soar over soggy field conditions.

Bengals (-4.5) at Panthers
Some cat fights are more visually appealing than others (e.g. Lucy vs Taylor). You can avert your eyes from this one. Stripey over black.

Jaguars at Texans (-6)
Spotted cats have to win sooner or later. It will be later.

SUNDAY DINNERTIME
Commanders at Cardinals (-3.5)
Little Red Birds are too tired after their long flight and fall to the Commies.

Patriots at 49ers (-10)
Hopefully the residual Friday Funny effect can carry the locals through the Sunday Sads. Purrrdy pummels Pats.

Browns at Raiders (-2)
Go with the Elves over the Elvis impersonators.

Chiefs (-7) at Chargers
Kelce will score 3 TDs as Andy Reid finally cracks open the Taylor Swift playbook.

SUNDAY PROWLTIME
Bills at Ravens (-2.5)
Hairy cows aren’t afraid of scary Black Birds.

MONDAY EARLY-PROWLTIME
Titans at Dolphins (-1)
Look for the Tits to burst out in Miami.

*Jan Hammer Miami Vice theme music intensifies*

MONDAY PROWLTIME
Seahawks at Lions (-3.5)
Big Cats bring the Fake Sea Birds down to Earth.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 2 NFL Picks ’24

Posted on September 14, 2024 by bootlegbarnicle Leave a comment

Hey Lama, how about a little something, for you know, the effort?

I hope you set aside some of Week One’s winnings to buy some treats for Football Cat!

SUNDAY LUNCHTIME
49ers – 5 vs Vikings Brock Purrrrrdy and the prospectors plunder the Vikings

Chargers -5 vs Panthers Black cats can’t help crossing their own path, get zapped by Chargers.

Colts -2.5 vs Packers Horsies stomp the Meat Men into the unfrozen tundra of Lambeau Field.

Giants vs Commanders -1.5 Pituitaries pound Pol Pots.

Saints vs Cowboys -6 Jerry Jones and his many illegitimate children must have had a good laugh after reading that article about Rub-and-Tug Robert’s Hall of Fame struggles. Jerry’s good time keeps rolling.

Browns vs Jaguars -3 Spotty cats devour the mystical fairyland sprites.

Jets -3.5 vs Titans My father Bert Bell tells me that in 1959 this would have been a match-up between the “Titans of New York” and the “Oilers of Houston”. Much like Lucy will ultimately outlast Taylor, the original Tits triumph over the new Tits.

Buccaneers vs Lions -7.5 Jungle Kings feast on pirate patellas.

Raiders vs Ravens -9 Scary birds don’t break a sweat.

Seahawks -3.5 vs Patriots Good thing mean old Bill is gone, otherwise he’d inexplicably replace Malcom Butler as honorary lighthouse keeper at the last minute – with no explanation! WTF! The Mayo-noise will be earsplitting after the Patriots start 2-0.

SUNDAY DINNERTIME
Rams vs Cardinals -1 Male sheep stomp pretty red birds.

Bengals vs Chiefs -5.5 Stripey cats get their first win of the season at Burrowhead.

Steelers -2.5 vs Broncos Men of Steel can’t handle the thin air. The mile high horses run wild.

SUNDAY PROWLTIME
Bears vs Texans -6.5 After the he messes with Texas, Calib Williams will be left in tears, seeking solace in the loving embrace of his mother’s arms.

MONDAY PROWLTIME
Falcons vs Eagles -6.5 I love watching birds fight! The American birds prevail and the losers gets in my belly!