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8/7/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on August 7, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*Your New England Free Jacks with the free-peat.*

Free Jacks Rolling Rally is when?

Wilyer Abreu hitting a three-run homer literally with tears in his eyes after the death of a family member would seem like one of the better baseball stories of the year.

If the IOC wants a foolproof sex test, have those two suspect boxers try and load a dishwasher.

A report late Tuesday said the Patriots are no longer in the picture when it comes to wide receiver Brandon Aiyuk. After reportedly inquiring about his availability, New England decided not to explore trade possibilities involving the pass catcher.

“Belichick stubbornly sticking to his value system” is now “Wolf wouldn’t get stupid with the money.” The tone of the coverage has completely changed. Have to give the team credit: The pizza parties were a fantastic investment.

Minutes after winning gymnastics’ most coveted title, Biles fastened on a white gold necklace and flashed a diamond-encrusted goat pendant toward the camera.

Dating back to 2003, I’ve been through like literally 6 cycles of producing content on the Internet and this is definitely one of the better ones, both just on a personal level and the overall quality of Internet content.

“He’s lacking urgency” the commentator says about the guys sprinting as fast as they can for 10 seconds.

Cakes are cooking for Rodney Crowell, Wayne Knight, Alberto Salazar, Bruce Dickinson, David Duchovny, Elizabeth Manley, Michael Shannon, Charlize Theron, Edgar Renteria, Dimitrios Eleftheropoulos, Samantha Ronson, Jamey Jasta, Sidney Crosby, Kyler Murray, and Jalen Hurts.

I always found Parmesan to be the most sensual of the hard granular cheeses.

Why do French people only have one egg for breakfast? Because it is “un oeuf”! Le chortle!

Green Line B Branch Reminder: Through August 11 – Shuttle buses replace service between Boston College and Babcock Street for track work. Shuttles will not service Allston St, Griggs St and Packard’s Corner due to accessibility issues.

I’m tired of seeing Snoop Dogg. There: I said it.

Worcester’s Own rankings: Stephen Nedoroscik > Eddie Mekka > Tanyon Sturtze.

Who was my first Attitude Era crush? Daffney. She was pretty, but it was more. Her personality just shot through the TV. I’m so beyond happy I was able to interact with her a few times.

Aerosmith. Arguably the greatest American rock & roll band. They will be missed.

Hey gang of hold-in’s, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I said when was aren’t in pads but besides me staying hours on hours to sign and throw the ball around with the fan how about y’all come talk to me.”

Silver Medal PtP goes to, “Who the fuck is Harry Frazee?”

My favorite Lucy Burdge bit on Twitter is where she pretends to like food.

I think I could medal in badminton.

Hey, Liberty Mutual, why is your company gouging the citizens of Massachusetts?

Since they were in town, I feel like I have to say this….im totally not into Metallica. Never cared for them….sorry if i have offended anyone.

“Steamer” is one helluva word. Laugh everytime I see it. – Idiot Zo.

We are living in the absolute hardest era of public restroom handwashing. Desperate handwaving at nothingness, like a wizard that lost their powers. Bathroom sinks and soap dispensers designed by Dark Souls developers.

Field hockey isn’t high scoring?

3v3 hoops is the gayest Olympics event and they have literal horse dancing.

In other baseball news, Biily Bean died, but not the one who wrote ‘Moneyball.’ RIP.

Jake Andrews was placed on season ending IR because he has a torn meniscus. It is torn in several places, and he is set to have surgery, per source.

Top 10 all-time meniscus recoveries:

1 Steve Redding (3rd surgery)

2 Steve Redding (1st)

T3 Robert Williams III

T3 Steve Redding (5th)

5 Steve Redding (11th)

6 Steve Redding (2nd)

T7 Steve Redding (4th)

T7 Steve Redding (10th)

9 Steve Redding (7th)

10 Steve Redding (9th)

HC Mayo constantly seeking validation from the loathsome press corps is astounding, if not surprising.

And it’s a free for all in the parking lot,
Tell me who’ll rule the street.
And the night explodes when the cops bring down the heat.
And the chains they crash like thunder,
While the weak ones all retreat.
Gotta draw first blood or they’ll read your funeral rights.
When the lightning strikes.

Gold Medalist Gabby Thomas, from right here in mortgage-free Western Massachusetts. Lordy!

What kind of alphabet do the Polacks use? I don’t think I’ve ever seen an L with a line through it before.

Every time A Bar Song by Shaboozy comes on I think it’s Wonderwall by Oasis.

I personally don’t understand why tenpin bowling isn’t an Olympic sport. Nearly every country plays it, the pros come from all over the world, and it’s extremely inexpensive for a host country to have a venue in to play it – just use an existing, high-end bowling center in whatever city hosts it.

Honk if you still have cassette tapes in your media collection. Audio or video.

I bet Alex Cora has taken some practice swings at Triston Casas. In his mind.

Bill Weld wouldn’t jump into the Seine.

Hocker? Damn near killed the Norwegian and British runners!

If two guys named ‘Dave & Chuck The Freak’ were broadcasting in this market I think I would know about it.

the next American women’s sport super star should be Ashleigh Johnson if you love water polo.

Anybody else notice that the AI imitation of Al Michaels’ voice doesn’t actually sound like Al Michaels?

Nice of Eck to show up at his daughter’s hearing in the Granite State.

Do they make cowboy boots with big toe boxes? Asking for future Country 93.7 employee MegO.

Best bet for the weekend: huge savings during the sales tax holiday!

*(leans slightly) “Greatest guy in the world”(didn’t lean)”never heard of him.”*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Old Friend Kingasurus and the members of #the15 were used in this column Oh, blame it on midnight. Ooh, shame on the moon.

*Et nous souhaitons un joyeux anniversaire à la mannequin française Aurélie Claudel.* *Ooh, and might I add, là là.*

6/19/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on June 19, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Winning is great. Winning that makes everyone else hysterically sad is even better.

No one dotted Dugie? Sad!

Jaylen Brown Finals MVP. He did spend some of that Supermax contract money attending a Sick Handlez Camp!

Willie Mays. You Say Hey, we all say goodbye. OOTG’s.

I’m in tears knowing Bill Russell’s widow was in Dallas for Game 4, and in Boston for Game 5.

Meanwhile, if wasn’t already, Bryson DeChambeau sure seems to have become this weekend what golf is continually seeking: A needle mover.

Dave Brown peacocking from his long dormant & locked Twitter account is peak Dave Brown.

Cakes are cooking for Salman Rushdie, Ann Wilson, Duane Kuiper, Larry Dunn, Kathleen Turner, Paula Abdul, Simon Wright, Mia Sara, Poppy Montgomery, Robin Tunney, Doug Mientkiewicz, Dirk Nowitzki, Garfield the Cat, Zoe Saldana, Jason White, and Macklemore.

Not only was that an all-time US Open, but my daughters wanted to learn more about the game, and I got to talk through the back nine with my dad at the house like we used to do after my tournaments and biggest rounds. Happy Father’s Day, everyone. It was a memorable one over here.

Having proper Sunday night HBO programming back is the best. It dominates social media the next day. We are so back.

Tons of people were helped by Jerry West admitting to being a maniac. Many cases of lives saved. “The Logo” taught me that it’s ok to not be ok.

Orange Line Reminder: Service changes for bridge and track work June 22-23: Shuttle buses replace service between Oak Grove & North Station June 24-30: Shuttle buses replace service between Wellington & North Station. Commuter Rail is fare free between Oak Grove & North Station.

Hopefully the next time all these Patriots greats are together is at RKK’s funeral.

Ime Udoka passed this up for pussy.

I don’t know how long ago Dennis Drinkwater’s seat moved to the aisle but how does he get into it? Does he hop over the back? Need to know.

Will Buck be wearing his Donnie Beardlsey skinsuit on one of the duckboats Friday?

Edmonton has now won twice, a win for each boob flashed by that nice lady.

Suggestion for Friday’s Celtics parade: Reserve one Duck-Boat for Wyc Grousbeck and his band, and play a Dead set to bring Bill Walton into the event. “Ripple” for respect.

Al Horford, aka the Dominican Don Nelson.

Don’t know about you guys, but it’s really scary to think that any one of us could be locked up if we drunkenly backed over a Boston cop. If they can do it to her, they can do it to YOU.

Hey gang of morons, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I’m still peeling confetti off me.”

Not great for the Woman In Sports™ brand that a hard 4 who grifts online retards considers herself part of the group.

Uh oh. Cotillo’s back on the soft serve.

Out of Jayson Tatum’s 40 highest priced purchased cards, only 3 were bought this year.

Trying to imagine what Bill’s reaction would have been if Brian, Stephen, or Amanda hade ever brought home a Cheerleader/Entrepeneur/Philosopher to meet dad.

This has been the longest day I wish I had more energy for the Celtics tweets 😦 I’ll be obnoxious all month if they win don’t worry.

‘Riding the side boards’ sounds like a 1940’s euphemism for gay sex.

I just wish Fergie would do every NBA Finals anthem.

The flow of porn spam from the usual suspects on Twitter has disappeared from my feed, and I have mixed feelings now that nobody seems to be trying to scam me. It’s like “wait, am I not worth the effort to try to steal from anymore?”

Abby didn’t need any gay champagne goggles.

Huh. I wonder why Bill forgot to mention the backstabbing rat of an in-over-his-head linebackers coach.

This human Subaru just femsplained to literal DNA forensic scientists the science of forensic DNA detectability.

Bill Clinton don’t become Willie Mays.

Sometimes I just shut up and let my past work talk. I earned these two days off and I’m going to enjoy every, single, minute of it.

PFF geting Betamaxed out of existence wouldn’t be terrible.

My favorite thing about watching women’s basketball is that they actually post up and use low post moves. It’s a lost art in the men’s game.

When the Starks & Baratheons get these blonde freaks up outta here >>>>>

Have the Revs turned a corner?

In the Boston Celtics 17 NBA Championships it has taken them an average of 6.12 games to win in the NBA Finals.

‘Claudia Bellofatto’ is a made-up name.

I can look out from the roof of this building I’m on and see five other buildings that I built. Three of which I saw from steel beam to final clean. I built half this block.

Today would be a great day for the race war to kickoff. Just like the Tet Offensive.

Gonna see the river man.
Gonna tell him all I can
About the plan
For lilac time.

If he tells me all he knows
‘Bout the way his river flows.
And all night shows
In summertime.

Fun Fact: women were disallowed from serving on juries in Massachusetts until 1950.

Somewhere in this town, there are crab legs & I’m gonna go eat more of them than the Rangers had hits Sunday.

Probably a relief to Jerry West that he didn’t have to see another Celtics championship.

Would you rather have one 12-foot statue of Tom Brady or twelve 1-foot statues of Tom Brady?

Narrator: The Mavericks as it turns out did not figure out the Celtics’ scheme.

There are too many withdrawals, no deposit , You can’t grow like that !!!

Wonder if Bill saved Linda’s fake cans for the new girl.

I’ve never figured out how they keep the baseball IN the hat when the hat jumps in the air during that dancing-hat thing where they want you to guess which hat has the ball.

With the Finals being over, how will people now learn that there is a new Bad Boys movie in theaters?

Honk if you remember Brett Hull’s Stanley Cup winning ‘no goal.’

That wasn’t a travel on Prichard’s beyond halfcourt halftime buzzer-beating three, it was a Eurostep.

Linda Cohn is still on TV? Well good for her!

I’m still trying to see ‘likes’ on Twitter like Homer Simpson forgetting to dial the new area code.

It’s really not like Anna Horford to use her brother’s fame to curry favor.

Imagine if Danny and Brad took advice from the radio talking men and the ink-stained wretches. lol

Belichick can probably still kill spiders and open tight jar lids at his age.

Also, I want the repaired Christopher Columbus statue the city is too scared to put back up riding on one of the duckboats.

If The Sports Hub had a Kevin, I think I’d know about it.

Best bet for the weekend: Ocean State Job Lot starts selling the ‘NBA Players Association’ championship merch.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Dan Kelley, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column.

*And Happy Birthday to Czech supermodel Veronika Vařeková. Všechno nejlepší k narozeninám!*

1/31/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on January 31, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

A famous person dating another famous person? IT’S AN OP!!

Purdy got very lucky on the Aiyuk throw, but you gotta give dude his flowers. He’s been a gamer in the biggest moments this postseason.

Hey, Red Sox fans, who doesn’t love a diversified suite of sports and entertainment holdings?

People care way too much about Taylor Swift at Chiefs games. Her boyfriend plays, of course she’s there. She doesn’t make anyone show her on TV. I watched years of Jack Nicholson at Lakers games and Spike Lee at Knicks games. Nobody seemed to think it was the end of the world.

I think it’s time to end the Brian Scalabrine experiment. We’ve taken this as far as we can.

Kyle Shanahan was born in 1979. He should have to bend the brim of his hat.

Karl Anthony Towns is KAT. Derrick White is The Catalyst.

Cakes are cooking for Charlie Musselwhite, Jonathan Banks, Nolan Ryan, Kelly Lynch, Kelly Moore, Minnie Driver, Portia de Rossi, Jim Kleinsasser, Kerry Washington, Justin Timberlake, and Yuniesky Betancourt.

Oh goodness no, Lamar. That’s a disaster.

70 ain’t what it used to be. That said it’s still insane when dudes get there.

Well, even if you don’t much care for Kansas City, a Harbro losing must dull the pain somewhat.

Jeff Goodman, he seems well adjusted.

‘Eye test’ is now a phrase people who have no idea what they are watching use to sound like they know football.

It’s nearly 3 weeks later, has the great big emergency at the cardboard factory been straightened out yet?

Probably wouldn’t fuck your knees up if you wore appropriate footwear you silly cvnt.

I prefer Linebacker Reasons rather than Safety Reasons.

I’m told Jim Harbaugh remains in the building at the facility, as I type this, per source. #Chargers

Belichick to the Chiefs? Why would Andy Reid retire? It’s not like he has any more sons that can die or go to jail.

Just heard “Stacy’s Mom” in spatial audio and I almost teared up.

Curt Menefee is Great Value James Brown.

Justin Turner and his representatives reached out but could not get the Red Sox interested enough to engage in talks. He will be a significant, needed addition for the Blue Jays.

I love Elephants, amazing video.

I don’t get this Cerrone Battle thing. He lives in Raleigh. Are there no black guys living in greater Boston who are qualified to act as a human shield for 98.5’s on air racism?

Hey gang of Ocean State disbelievers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “The Voluntown-Exeter War will be bloody and pointless.”

Gronk talks like he’s concocting a story by looking at items scattered throughout a room.

Be more desperate to find an alcoholic who peaked in high school that will tune you up once or twice a month. You can’t.

Better recurring letdowns by the C’s in the third quarter than in the fourth, I guess.

Baby-baby, I’ll meet you,
Same place, same time,
Where we can get together
And ease up our mind.

Oh, do a little dance, make a little love;
Get down tonight, woo! Get down tonight, hey!
Do a little dance, make a little love.
Get down tonight, get down tonight, baby.

Craig Carton went to prison for a Ponzi scheme. He seems trustworthy.

Disappointed in the lack of gratuitous lesbian sex in the first episode of the new season of Hightown.

No matter what else he does, Dante will always be Rufio to me.

Honk if you remember Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Competent people outside the organization aren’t exactly lining up to work for Jonathan and Robyn, are they?

I like Jan’s tweets. They’re very informative.

Fenway Sports Group doubtless brings Joe Mooney’s lifetime of groundskeeping experience to their partnership in the LIV/PGA merger.

Nobody told you the Celtics weren’t ever going to trade Brogdon.

It might be time to retire and repurpose my Dave Meggett fan account.

Sometimes it’s easy to forget Gary Tanguay wrote the most disturbing book of all time.

I’m sure eventually Lamar Jackson will have more playoff wins and AFCCG appearances than Ryan Tannehill.

Mutual partings of the ways; they happen in Foxborough and even in Tewksbury, Danny.

Have you signed up for Bruce Allen’s newsletter at BSMW.email yet? First one’s free.

Time for Cam Achord to follow his true calling: selling me percs in 2006.

Jimy Williams. He feuded with Carl Everett and called Christopher Nixon, ‘Drut.’ RIP.

Best bet for the weekend: Good Kid Pasta scoring in the NHL All Star Game.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Peter Gammons, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Oh, that’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh.

And happy birthday to Italian actress Daniela Bianchi, best known as Tatiana Romanova in *From Russia With Love*.

1/24/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on January 24, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

‘Meatball’ Ron DeSantis, Boston Red Sox.

Can a badly broken folding table be used to wedge open a Super Bowl window? Asking for a Mafioso.

You think Jerod Mayo can’t handle an NFL coaching job? The guy had his own desk at Optum—I think he’ll do just fine.

It’s funny that the less the Celtics lose, the more the occasional losses become catastrophic referendums.

On Earth-67, Ron DeSantis is a retired Red Sox slugger.

Tem Lukabu? Do we need him to defend against the Steelers or against the Galactic Empire?

Arthur Blank looks like Vincent Price on a bender.

You will be able to see many spectacular players this season at Fenway Park, especially if you count the park itself as a player!

Hallie Kyed, gone too soon but never to be forgotten. Donations may be made at either https://gofund.me/1a3dd30a or Dana Farber/The Jimmy Fund.

Cakes are cooking for Neil Diamond, Michael Ontkean, Jumbo Ozaki, Yakov Smirnoff, William F. Readdy, Jools Holland, Nastassja Kinski, Rob Dibble, Mary Lou Retton, Tatyana M. Ali, Scott Speed, Scott Kazmir, Sean McVey, and Luis Suárez.

The nerds don’t understand football and the coaches don’t understand math.

Is the clam hockey team good?

Bill Barnwell looks like a credible suspect in the Zodiac Killer investigation.

GLX Reminder: Shuttle Buses replace service between North Station and Medford/Tufts this weekend, Jan 27-28, due to track work. Union Square riders can use Bus Routes 86, 87, or 91 to connect to shuttles or the Orange Line

MA Senator Ed Markey thinks Lukey Russert’s alleged ties to Buffalo are tenuous.

News Item: Rams’ defensive coordinator Raheem Morris is scheduling second in-person head-coaching interviews with the Falcons, Panthers, Commanders and Seahawks. He gets one more punch on his card and he gets a Dan Rooney-autographed football!

Tim Wakefield also endorsed the season ticket price increase from heaven.

At what point does some media member other than Dondero say that it’s fucked up that Jonathan and some PR lady are running football operations?

Doc is the Bucks coach? Doc is not the Bucks coach. Tommy is here? Tommy is not here?

Imagine saying a man looked “phenomenal.”

Just keep running Josh Allen like he’s Mike Alstott. That’s a sustainable plan for success.

Is Larry Brown coaching anybody now?

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “STOP AND DIVE IF YOU’VE DONE THE MACARENA!”

I don’t know how official it is to be rated New England’s most versatile DJ.

Kyle Lowry is gonna get so fucking fat in Charlotte since he won’t have Jimmy Butler threatening to kill him if he eats another chicken wing.

I don’t trust people who use percentages arbitrarily.

Congratulations to Northeastern Woman’s Hockey on the Inaugural Woman’s Beanpot Championship! What? No, if there had been a Woman’s Beanpot before this year I think I would have heard about it.

Arthur Blank looks like the bad guy in every Three Stooges short.

I just learned like two days ago that Stanley drink tumbler isn’t the same Stanley that makes my box cutter and tape measure.

Nice mock draft, cumrag.

I had read every book from Michael Connelly but recently caught on to the TV series. Now having binge watched all nine seasons let me just say Titus Welliver IS Harry Bosch, and I can’t wait for season ten.

Tanner Houck looks 45 years old.

The opening seconds of that Shields MRI ad from 2019 featuring a member of the Patriots End Zone Militia has the same visual cadence as a presidential spot.

Is Bert Breer just gonna keep pretending that someone is paying him?

Honk if you remember Airwolf.

There really is no good way of teaching someone how to properly load a dishwasher without sounding like a condescending prick.

The REAL Damar Hamlin (Rest In Power) woulda had the first down.

Female stalkers are never hot.

You idiot, this isn’t a modern offense, it’s a contemporary offense!

They do it down on Camber Sands
They do it at Waikiki
Lazing about the beach all day
At night the crickets creepy.

Squinting faces at the sky
A Harold Robbins paperback
Surfers drop their boards and dry
And everybody wants a hat.

But behind the Chalet
My holiday’s complete
And I feel like William Tell
Maid Marian on her tiptoe feet.

Pulling Mussels From The Shell.
Pulling Mussels From The Shell.

Warning: If you find a bread clip on your tire, you are conflating your clickbait articles!

Ichiro deserves to be a unanimous selection for the HOF next year. Just as Griffey, Jr., Jeter, Beltre, etc. deserved it. Hopefully, that happens.

Doc’s first order of business: deport Thanasis Antetokounmpo.

Isn’t it bad to burn cash?

Every time you RT Thomas Carrieri he gets another zit and a nickel.

Shake the almond tree.

I hope The Sports Hub didn’t pick Jim Murray to express the station’s condolences to the Kyed family.

Who knew Abbottabad abutted Orchard Park?

We see you running ‘The Commisar Vanishes’ playbook, Jonathan.

Best bet for the weekend: mobile QB’s!!

*“Buenos noches, amigos!*
*Sam wanted me to say a few words about the upcoming season,*
*but I have a better idear: let’s break my son out of prison!” [crowd boos]*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Take me I’m yours because dreams are made of this. Forever there’ll be a heaven in your kiss.

Dominic ‘Dom’ DeSantis was selected out of Miami Dade College in the 23rd round of the 1989 MLB draft by the Boston Red Sox. He did not sign with the club. He then attended the University of New Orleans and was selected in the 28th round of the 1990 draft by Baltimore. Opting to again remain in school, he was finally signed following the 1991 draft, having been picked in the 20th round by the Phillies. The right hander pitched 4 minor league seasons, accumulating a 2.92 ERA and topping out at the High A level. He retired after a poor showing for the Duluth-Superior Dukes of the Independent League. Currently a sales manager in the Tampa Bay area, he has not held public office.