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Football Cat’s Week 17 Picks

Posted on December 27, 2024 by naop Leave a comment

Happy New Year from Football Cat!

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind? The answer is a resounding “YES”! It’s best to leave the past in the past. Your New Year’s resolution should be to not dwell on lost loves and move forward. New year, new you. Don’t spend your nights listening to Spotify and crying yourself to sleep over what might have been with Olivia or Jackie or Brad. Lift a cup of kindness and throw it right in their face!

Or you could just resolve to stop drinking again.

SATURDAY LUNCH TIME
Chargers (-4) at Patriots
Patriots shock the Bolts like it’s 1985

In 2025 Coach Mayo resolves to be *even more* open with his good friends in the media.

SATURDAY DINNER TIME
Broncos at Bengals (-3)
Stripey Cats keep their playoff chances alive

SATURDAY PROWL TIME
Cardinals at Rams (-6)
Rams rout Red Birds

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Colts (-7.5) at Giants
Giant tank job continues

Jets at Bills (-10)
McDermott’s men hijack Jets and send them crashing back to Earth

Titans at Jaguars (-1)
Spotty Cats can’t handle Tits

Raiders (-1.5) at Saints
Raiders win again, they must really hate the idea of drafting Shedeur Sanders.

Panthers at Buccaneers (-8)
Scary Black Cats sink Bucs

Tampa should have consulted “Unsinkable Sam”

Cowboys at Eagles (-9.5)
American Birds keep the pressure on the Jungle Kings

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Dolphins at Browns (-6.5)
Elves shelve Miami

Packers at Vikings (-1.5)
Vikings mince Meat Men

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Falcons at Commanders (-4)
Commies swamp Falcons

MONDAY PROWL TIME
Lions (-3.5) at 49ers
Jungle Kings poach Prospectors’ patellas

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 15 Picks

Posted on December 13, 2024 by naop One comment

Interns beware! It’s that festive time of year again, tonight is the “The 15’s Annual Office Holiday Party”. ( It used to be the “The 15’s Annual Office Christmas Party”, but Carl did 23andMe this past year and, oy gevalt, he’s suddenly kosher.) But have no fear! Whether you spin the dreidel, or your savior was born in a stable, all you have to do is follow Football Cat’s 7 simple tips for a funtastic Office Holiday Party…

Spot the total number HR violations in this picture! Whoever comes closest will win a bonus day off* ^_(*unpaid)

Show Up: You do not want to be labeled as a party pooper. Get your ass to the party, they’ll be free drinks (see Tip #2).
Drink: Drink! There’s nothing people like more than talking about the person who had too much to drink at the office party. You’re just providing a public service.
Eat: If you don’t eat, you’ll get drunk too fast (see Tip #2). It’s science.
Dance: On the floor, on the table (see Tip #2) , whatever it takes.
Talk to the Big Boss: Make sure you’ve had a couple of drinks first (see Tip #2) . And make it quick. Get in, get out. Don’t linger.
Play Your Transportation By Ear: You’re going to drink (see Tip #2) so don’t drive, but don’t plan ahead either. There’s definitely someone in the office with Clara Barton Syndrome, or maybe it’s Clara Nightingale Syndrome – whichever the nice one was. It doesn’t really matter, just don’t puke in Clara’s car.
Be Prepared: Bring an extra pair of underwear, your toothbrush and your passport. You never know what will happen (see Tip #2).

Good luck and have fun (see Tip #2)!

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Chiefs (-4.5) at Browns
Chiefs scalp the Elves

Bengals (-5) at Titans
Stripey Cats pancake Tits

Tigers and pancakes? Someone’s getting cancelled.

Commanders (-7) at Saints
Godless Commies decanonize Saints

Ravens (-14.5) at Giants
Scary Black Birds jar Giants

Cowboys at Panthers (-2.5)
Scary Black Cats spook America’s Team

Jets (-3.5) at Jags
My Good Friend Mac finally owns!

Dolphins at Texans (-3.5)
Texans barbecue Dolphins

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Colts at Broncos (-4)
Big Broncos corral lil’ Colts

Bills at Lions (-2.5)
Hairy Cows trample Jungle Kings

Steelers at Eagles (-5)
Yinzers take the Keystone State Cup

Patriots at Cardinals (-6)
Pretty Red Birds fly past Mayo’s men

Buccaneers at Chargers (-3)
Brother Jim Hawkins’ gang zaps swashbucklers

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Packers (-3) at Seahawks
Fake Sea Birds aren’t in the mood for Love.

MONDAY EARLY PROWL TIME
Bears at Vikings (-7)
Vikings plunder hibernating Bears

MONDAY PROWL TIME
Falcons (-5) at Raiders
Too bad Jerry Glanville isn’t alive to see his Falcons take down the Elvis impersonators #RIP

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 14 Picks

Posted on December 6, 2024 by naop Leave a comment

Have no fear! Even though the local gridironers are enjoying a weekend away, getting tanned and rested, there’s no bye week for Football Cat!

Don’t we have interns to cover for me for *one* week?

And remember, it’s not just the bye week, it’s also the BUY week at the official the 15 net store! If you don’t shop during the big holiday sale, you’re just wasting money. It’s basic math people.

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Jaguars at Titans (-4)
Tits motorboat Spotty Cats

Jets at Dolphins (-6)
Tua melts Jets

Falcons at Vikings (-5.5)
Vikings rape Raptors

Saints (-4.5) at Giants
David takes down Goliath

You don’t want to get on Davey’s bad side

Panthers at Eagles (-12)
Scary Black Cats spook American Birds

Browns at Steelers (-6.5)
Yinzers flush Browns

Raiders at Buccaneers (-6.5)
Bucs win the biggest pirate fight since the Battle of Cape Lopez

What do you call a *pirate* with a *cat* on his shoulder? *A purr-ate.*

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Seahawks at Cardinals (-2.5)
Pretty Red Birds pluck Fake Sea Birds

Bills (-5) at Rams
Horny Sheep win the Bovidae Battle

Bears at 49ers (-4.5)
Prospectors wake the sleepy Bears, get mauled.

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Chargers at Chiefs (-3.5)
Native Americans short circuit Plugs

Trail of Tears? Sounds like my prom night!

MONDAY PROWL TIME
Bengals (-5) at Cowboys
Stripey Cats do Dallas

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 11 Picks

Posted on November 15, 2024 by naop Leave a comment

It’s a big weekend for fans of celestial events! Not only will the full Beaver super moon be aligning with the Pliades star cluster each night, but the Leonid meteor shower will be peaking in the wee hours of Saturday and Sunday. So grab the lawn chair and a blanket and get out there. If you’re looking for me I’ll be sleeping in your bed, so please leave the electric blanket on.

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Packers (-5) at Bears
Meat men send Bears to early hibernation

Jaguars at Lions (-13.5)
Lions maul my good friend Mac

My good friend Mac before the Lions horribly disfigured him

Raiders at Dolphins (-7)
The Autumn Wind is a Raider, pillaging just for fun. He’ll knock you ’round and upside down, and laugh when he’s conquered and won.

Rams (-5) at Patriots
Mayo’s merry men keep the good time vibes rolling along.

Browns at Saints (-1)
Dark Elf magic house of Saints

Ravens (-3) at Steelers
Men of Steel cage Scary Black Birds

Vikings at Titans (-6)
Vikings flatten Tits

Colts at Jets (-4)
The new Undersecretary for Human Services leads the Jets to victory

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Falcons at Broncos (-2.5)
Falcons thrive in the thin air

Seahawks at 49ers (-6.5)
Purrdy downs Fake Sea Birds

Chiefs at Bills (-2)
For thousands of years, Native Americans relied heavily on buffalo for their survival and well-being, using every part of the bison for food, clothing, shelter, tools, jewelry and in ceremonies. Except the wings oddly enough. Chiefs remain undefeated.

These are even better than chicken fingers

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Bengals at Chargers (-1.5)
Stripey Cats drain Bolts batteries

I bet my Nana still has some of these in her junk drawer

MONDAY PROWL TIME
Texans (-7.5) at Cowboys
Fun Fact: The flags of six countries have flown over Texas. Don’t mess with the Texans.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat

Football Cat’s Week 9 Picks

Posted on November 1, 2024 by naop Leave a comment

Welcome to November! As a gift just for you, Football Cat is giving you an extra hour of sleep on Sunday. Just remember Football Cat’s internal clock is still on Daylight Saving time. Please be considerate to your cats.

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Cowboys at Falcons (-2.5)
Birds beat Boys

Broncos at Ravens (-9.5)
No post-Halloween hangover for the Scary Black Birds.

Dolphins at Bills (-6)
Hairy Cows trample Tua

Saints (-7) at Panthers
Black Cats get skinned on All Saints Day weekend

Raiders at Bengals (-7)
Stripey Cats save their season

Chargers (-2) at Browns
Elven magic short circuits the Bolts

This would be a much better mascot than Brownie

Commanders (-3.5) at Giants
Red wave drowns the G-men

Patriots at Titans (-3.5)
Ass over Tits

As far as the state of New York is concerned, you are the “ASSMAN”

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Bears at Cardinals (-1)
Not even two Hail Marys and three Our Fathers will beat the Bears this week.

Jaguars at Eagles (-7.5)
American Birds poop on Spotty Cats

Lions (-3.5) at Packers
Jungle Kings devour Meat Men

Rams (-1.5) at Seahawks
Rams steamroll Seattle

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Colts at Vikings (-5.5)
Vikings rape and pillage poor Jumpball Joe.

MONDAY PROWL TIME
Buccaneers at Chiefs (-8.5)
The march towards perfection continues.

TUESDAY ELECTION TIME
Remember,when in doubt vote Football Cat. Vote early and vote often!

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 8 NFL Picks ’24

Posted on October 25, 2024 by naop Leave a comment

Please join us in wishing a very Happy 14th Birthday to Football Cat!

In lieu of gifts please show your support by purchasing some wonderful genuine merchandise. Football Cat’s birthday comes but once a year, so splash out some of that cash you’ve been accumulating from following the picks.

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Ravens (-9) at Browns
Unless the Browns are starting Tippi Hedren at quarterback, expect the Scary Black Birds to run rampant.

They should remake this movie with cats.

Titans at Lions (-11.5)
Jungle Kings bounce Tits

Colts at Texans (-6)
Texans corral the Colts

Packers (-4.5) at Jaguars
Pack Men make mincemeat out of the jet-lagged Spotty Cats

Cardinals at Dolphins (-3)
Drips dizzy Dolphins drop Deacons

Jets (-7) at Patriots
Mayo is not handing in his D.O.R just yet. Jets crash and burn. Love lifts us up where we belong.

Falcons (-2.5) at Buccaneers
Mmmmm, creamsicles.

With just 100 calories per bar, it’s the classic ice cream on a stick dessert that you can enjoy without guilt.

Eagles at Bengals (-2.5)
Stripey Cats feast on American Birds

*The Migratory Bird Treaty Act* was not violated in the making of this image.

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Saints at Chargers (-7.5)
Saint Eligius’ gang defeats the Saints

Yes, even electricians have a patron Saint.

Bills (-3) at Seahawks
Fake Sea Birds upset Hairy Cows

Bears (-2.5) at Commanders
Marxist Mariota leads the Commies to victory

“Quarterbacks control the means of offensive production.”

Panthers at Broncos (-9)
Black Cats have trouble adapting to the thin air

Chiefs (-10) at Raiders
Mahomes’ team finally defeats Brady’s team

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Cowboys at 49ers (-4.5)
Federales rob gold diggers

MONDAY PROWL TIME
Giants at Steelers (-6.5)
Giants can’t defeat Men of Steel

Good luck getting a kid into “Walter’s International Wax Museum” for 40 cents nowadays.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 6 NFL Picks ’24

Posted on October 18, 2024 by naop Leave a comment

Congratulations on all that sweet cash you made following last week’s picks (10-3 against the spread, and 11-2 straight up – not that we’re keeping track). As a way of saying “thank you”, head on over to the official The 15 Store and load up on some genuine merch during the big October sale.

I can’t believe this awesome shirt is on sale for only $16!

SUNDAY TEA TIME
Patriots at Jaguars (-5.5)
Spotty cats lose to New England in Olde England.

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Bengals (-4.5) at Browns
Stripey cats use the Dog Pound as their litter box.

Lions at Vikings (-1.5)
Jungle Kings knee cap the Vi-Kings

Texans at Packers (-3.5)
Texans grind up the Meat Men

Someone get Upton Sinclair on the phone.

Eagles (-3.5) at Giants
Baby New York wins the game, but loses the Belichick Bowl.

Dolphins at Colts (-3.5)
Drips dizzy Dolphins dropped

Seahawks at Falcons (-2.5)
Real birds defeat fake sea birds.

Titans at Bills (-8.5)
You’ll see tits on a bull before you see the Tits beat the Bills.

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Panthers at Commanders (-7.5)
The Swamp Things may not be as good as they’ve looked, but the Black Cats are worse than they’ve looked.

Raiders at Rams (-5.5)
Cleveland-LA-St. Louis-LA Rams win the Transient Bowl over the Oakland-LA-Oakland-Las Vegas Raiders

Chiefs at 49ers (-1)
49ers win the Super Bowl rematch, but don’t actually avenge the loss, then spiral into a deep depression.

I’m sorry, did you say something? I wasn’t listening.

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Jets at Steelers (-1.5)
Men of Steel master Metropolis

It’s a bird…it’s a plane… no wait, it’s eaten the bird… all the birds.

MONDAY EARLY PROWL TIME
Ravens (-3.5) at Buccaneers
Scary Black Birds get Buccan-owned

MONDAY ACTUAL PROWL TIME
Chargers (-2.5) at Cardinals
The bad night for birds continues as the pretty Red Birds get zapped.

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Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 2 NFL Picks ’24

Posted on September 14, 2024 by bootlegbarnicle Leave a comment

Hey Lama, how about a little something, for you know, the effort?

I hope you set aside some of Week One’s winnings to buy some treats for Football Cat!

SUNDAY LUNCHTIME
49ers – 5 vs Vikings Brock Purrrrrdy and the prospectors plunder the Vikings

Chargers -5 vs Panthers Black cats can’t help crossing their own path, get zapped by Chargers.

Colts -2.5 vs Packers Horsies stomp the Meat Men into the unfrozen tundra of Lambeau Field.

Giants vs Commanders -1.5 Pituitaries pound Pol Pots.

Saints vs Cowboys -6 Jerry Jones and his many illegitimate children must have had a good laugh after reading that article about Rub-and-Tug Robert’s Hall of Fame struggles. Jerry’s good time keeps rolling.

Browns vs Jaguars -3 Spotty cats devour the mystical fairyland sprites.

Jets -3.5 vs Titans My father Bert Bell tells me that in 1959 this would have been a match-up between the “Titans of New York” and the “Oilers of Houston”. Much like Lucy will ultimately outlast Taylor, the original Tits triumph over the new Tits.

Buccaneers vs Lions -7.5 Jungle Kings feast on pirate patellas.

Raiders vs Ravens -9 Scary birds don’t break a sweat.

Seahawks -3.5 vs Patriots Good thing mean old Bill is gone, otherwise he’d inexplicably replace Malcom Butler as honorary lighthouse keeper at the last minute – with no explanation! WTF! The Mayo-noise will be earsplitting after the Patriots start 2-0.

SUNDAY DINNERTIME
Rams vs Cardinals -1 Male sheep stomp pretty red birds.

Bengals vs Chiefs -5.5 Stripey cats get their first win of the season at Burrowhead.

Steelers -2.5 vs Broncos Men of Steel can’t handle the thin air. The mile high horses run wild.

SUNDAY PROWLTIME
Bears vs Texans -6.5 After the he messes with Texas, Calib Williams will be left in tears, seeking solace in the loving embrace of his mother’s arms.

MONDAY PROWLTIME
Falcons vs Eagles -6.5 I love watching birds fight! The American birds prevail and the losers gets in my belly!