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12/17/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on December 17, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Two goals in one game. Pretty good. Is a hattie for Geekie in the future?

They used to have cool pregame montages before big games on TV.

Biff Poggi is a tremendous Star Wars name.

Imagine how sore Phil Rivers is this morning. Damn. And there’ll be somebody reminding him, “it’s always worse the second day!”

Bummed the NBA cup is over, I really enjoyed not having games to watch.

I know America is back because I’m watching a white linebacker named “Jack.”

If Buddy Cianci was still Mayor, this guy would have been caught within a couple hours. Figure it out.

Holy cow. What a tragedy. Pray for Mahomes.

Do you think Donnie Wahlberg has a red phone that TV producers call when they need a Boston-themed gameday promo?

Ann Michael Maye make your husband as many peppermint chocolate cookies as he WANTS.

Cakes are cooking for Chris Matthews, Ernie Hudson, Eugene Levy, Wes Studi, James Alexander, Paul Rodgers, Ken Hitchcock, Barry Livingston, Bill Pullman, Peter Farrelly, Mike Mills, Tammie Green, Michele Tafoya, Craig Berube, Vincent Damphousse, Curtis Pride, Chuck Liddell, DJ Homicide, Claire Forlani, Tony Richardson, Laurie Holden, Rian Johnson, Giovonni Ribisi, Duff Goldman, Sarah Paulson, Milla Jovovich, Takeo Spikes, Arnaud Clement, Alex Cintrón, Chase Utley, Manny Pacquiao, Neil Sanderson, Jaimee Foxworth, Ryan Hunter-Reay, David Longstreth, and Nat Wolff.

Yeah, bro. Just add 3 MPH to your fastball.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Let’s not disparage big floppy tits.”

Coach Drip should take the ‘72 Lombardi out and drag it out around the parking lot from a rope tied to his car.

Nick Wright looks like he’d challenge Indiana Jones to a scimitar duel.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

An ACL tear is a sprained knee as a stroke is a headache.

This part of the calendar is hysterical. Half the days I’m using up my PTO and the other ones, my calendar is so empty that I’m sitting around diagramming new drills to run in my practices.

Carlton Davis III has returned to the game (fourth quarter, 9:55).

Congratulations to the New York Knicks for winning the NBA Emirates Cup. As far as made-up awards from an ethically dubious outfit, it’s no FIFA Peace Prize.

Had no idea there was a Utah NHL team. Been living under a rock I guess.

Honk if you remember where they serve meat in Melrose.

Just heard a radio commercial for a water filtration system. The woman doing the V/O says “it’s echo friendly” as in An echo that goes hello, hello…..isnt it pronounced eeeeeco(eco)? these are the things that keep me up these days……ugh.

Mentho-Lyptus!

Carlton Davis reminds me so much of Browner. Hope he doesn’t try to kill his girlfriend in a few years.

Decide yourself if radio’s gonna stay
Reason it could polish up the gray
Put that, put that, put that up your wall
That this isn’t country at all
Radio station decide yourself

Keep me out of country and the word
Wheel of fortune’s leading us absurd
Push that, push that, push that to the floor
That this isn’t nothing at all
Straight off the boat, where to go

Calling out in transit
Calling out in transit
Radio Free Europe (Radio)

Weather app tells me it feels like Drake Maye’s uniform number outside right now. I wish it felt like his completion percentage.

Families allow you to spend time with people you would otherwise never associate with.

How does Adam Jones not get punched every day?

Perhaps a boost the Bearcats need as Jizzle James returns to the basketball roster.

I swear Cena is having his 5th “last match” in a 3-month span.

Ann Michael Maye likes baking, and terrariums, and firetrucks, and hugs.

For seasonal home decorations, The Nightmare Before Christmas is really the way to go. Put them up early October when it’s still nice out and let it ride all the way through New Year’s.

Chloe the German Shepherd a suspect yet in that Hollywood double murder?

Fun Fact: Winning the NBA Cup qualifies the Knicks for the 2026 CONCACAF Champions League.

Eh, Patriots just got the Michael Gee Memorial pre-playoff loss out of the way.

Selling the Pittsburgh Penguins means FSG can focus of the Red Sox again. Right?

Best bet for the weekend: throwing all the records out the window when JMU takes on Oregon.

Congratulations to Bianca de la Garza on being recognized as Dame of the House of Savoy in the August family of chivalric orders. There is nuthin’ like a dame.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Rock and Roll fantasy.

And happy birthday to Canadian actress Katheryn Winnick.

12/10/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on December 10, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Notre Dame still has a chance at the CFP if Mike Pence does the right thing.

People saying Herbert was rude to Laura Rutledge are nuts. That was nothing; I’m ruder to more people than that every day before 8 am.

Great time of year for sports. Spring Training right around the corner.

Boy genius Jaylen Brown not understanding what having an extra chromosome means is still more proof Bill Nye is not a science guy.

Whether you like the Colts or not, if you’re not rooting for Phillip Rivers like this is a real-life Disney movie, you’re not a true football fan.

Don’t even think about it, Tom Brady.

Dave Portnoy hates antisemitism. Hates it almost as much as losing a tiny sum of money on a bad beat!

Anna Michael Maye is 1000x more likeable than Gisele ever was.

Shams is basically the guy at your wife’s work who, in an effort to bang her, tells her every little transgression you’ve ever made and will even make some stuff up if it gets her in the sack.

Cakes are cooking for Gloria Loring, Walter Orange, Susan Dey, Jack Hues, John J. York, Mark Aguirre, Kenneth Brannaugh, Paul Assenmacher, Nia Peeples, Robin White, Bobby Flay, Luis Polonia, J Mascis, Mel Rojas, Rob Blake, Brian Molko, Meg White, Matt Bentley, Patrick Flueger, Raven-Symone, Teyana Taylor, Kiki Layne, Joe Burrow, Maja Stark, and Alex Steeves.

The actual football fans will be watching the Idaho vandals take FCS by storm in 2026.

Hey gang of f-f-f-f-lipping winners, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “We saw in some of the early games that the pill was kinda slippery.”

Guess what? You don’t get to be the ombudsman when you were a Mayo guy until the bitter end.

I’m a big vest guy. Mimics my wetsuits and keeps my core warm. And speaking of wetsuits, I won’t get in the water if the air temp is below 45 and the water temp is below 50. Different when I was younger but I’m old and a bit of a bitch now.

Families allow you to spend time with people you would otherwise never associate with.

Mary J Blige doesn’t get enough credit.

At some point the Dodgers will sign big free agents they don’t even have spots for and pay them to stay home so other teams can’t get them.

Blue Line: delays of up to 10 minutes due to a signal problem at Airport.

I’m 100% Irish 2nd generation and vinegar hasn’t come with 100 ft of any French Fry of mine..!!!!

It’s easy to confuse novelty acts.

Aroldis Chapman’s next arrest will be for pushing his wife’s face into some spotted dick.

Is it me…or are NFL officials getting worse? You can’t watch a game without seeing so many mistakes by those guys.

Spar varnish!

Gees, you’d think Pete Carroll had put an already-showered and dressed in street clothes Caitlin Clark back in the game to try and get one more assist to have a triple-double.

Soccer is behind cricket but above emu jousting in popularity in Australia.

Honk if you remember Bruno Sammartino.

Florio might be hated as much as Volin among the local media.

You know who Mike Gesicki loves? Mike Gesicki.

Researchers have recently coined a term to define Bob Kraft’s particular speech impediment. They call it “Orchids Aphasia”.

I’ll drive a million miles
To be with you tonight
So if you’re feeling low
Turn up your radio

The words we use are strong
They make reality
But now the music’s on
Oh baby, dance with me, yeah

Rip it up, move down
Rip it up, move it down to the ground
Rip it up, cool down
Rip it up, don’t hang me on the borderline

Everybody have fun tonight
Everybody have fun tonight
Everybody Wang Chung tonight.

I thought Fred Durst was dead; turns out I mixed him up with that fellow from Smash Mouth (RIP).

Jeff Kent? I guess.

The Ravens aren’t afraid to host YOU for Sunday Night Football!

Lay off Jake Elliott. He has rosacea.

What’s everyone’s encryption pin? Let us know in the comments.

Army. UConn. Wasabi Fenway Bowl. December!

Whenever I see this Notre Dame AD with the last name Bevacqua all I can think of is Tommy Lasorda’s rant on Kurt effing Bevacqua and I can’t stop laughing.

Maybe Texas Tech is good and that’s why they’re winning.

Jayson Tatum Ewing Theory Szn?

Best bet for the weekend: supremely overconfident Bills fans.

*Spend over the threshold? And not have money for iced cream?*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, Old Friends Lebron and BBtL, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Remember where we parked.

*And happy birthday to actress-musician Summer Phoenix.*

12/03/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on December 3, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*Jaylen is making the most of his opportunity.*

The New England Patriots are back. Weep.

Wake up to a bunch of tweets from NBA reporters wondering what happened between the Clippers and Chris Paul. How about do your job and figure it out?

Nothing says rivalry weekend quite like UCF at BYU.

Jason Kelce’s eyebrows look like 2 Australian shepherds about to square off.

Basic math is now ‘analytics’.

The thing about Lane Kiffin is that he hates making things about himself. I can only imagine how hard this must be for him.

The Lions game not starting at 12:30 threw me off. A Thanksgiving staple.

I wonder if the Bruins players’ wives also made them get up early on Black Friday and drive them to Target.

Ryan Day bears an uncanny resemblance to Ming the Merciless.

What are there more of, “Kirk Minihane Show” ex-producers or videos of Turtleboi Aidan crying?

Cakes are cooking for Mickey Thomas, Rick Mears, David Hixon, Don Barnes, Franz Klammer, Melody Anderson, Kathy Jordan, Daryl Hannah, Julianne Moore, Mike Ramsey, Joe Lally, Andrew Stanton, Katarina Witt, Brendan Fraser, Montell Jordan, Harold Steinbrenner, Amy Helm, Laura Schuler, Lindsey Hunter, Paul Byrd, Vernon White, Bucky Lasek, Holly Marie Combs, Rainbow Sun Francks, Sean Parker, Tiffany Haddish, Anna Chlumsky, Jenna Dewan, Brian Bonsall, Michael Essian, Amanda Seyfried, Michael Angarano, Jake T. Austin, and Lil Baby.

If MLB has rules that apply to only one player, how soon until the NFL grants Mahomes possession of the ball no matter what at the end of games?

Rhody has a LB named Rohan Davy. No relation.

I liked New Mexico’s turquoise uniforms. The computers should’ve had that as a deciding factor.

Dallas plays football like chipmunks who found a bag of coke.

Hey gang of fake cancer survivors! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Making a big deal over quitting your social drinking is wild.”

Bring. Back. The. Patriots. White. Over. White. 80’s. Throwbacks.

The ‘There Are Too Many Streaming Services!’ Guy is my least favorite archetype.

Lem Barney has been upgraded from ‘dead’ to ‘alive’.

Not to go all Brad Rifkin on you, but elk and lingonberries are an incredible pairing.

Anthony Edwards looks like he can’t read.

Red Line: Delays of about 15 minutes due to a disabled train at Park Street. Trains may stand by at stations.

Thanksgiving games don’t need halftime shows. Sorry.

Wonder if Max Brosmer woke up today wondering when they play Holy Cross?

Korpisalo makes some good saves, but you always know when he’s playing because Bs are down 2 five minutes into the game.

Ian Eagle does a great job at play-by-play. A great mix of seriousness and excitement.

This is how we do it, all hands are in the air
And wave them from here to there
If you’re an OG mack or a wanna-be player
You see the hood’s been good to me
Ever since I was a lower case G
But now I’m a big G
The girls see I got the money
Hundred dollar bills, y’all.

Hollywood Brown sounds like the name of a hustler from a James Ellroy novel.

Post Malone is the pinnacle of the redneck-wigger aesthetic. A uniquely American archetype.

I’ve slept 29 hours and 43 minutes the last 3 nights.

Lamar must be wondering what he did wrong to have Josina dump him for Shedeur.

Honk if you remember to steer into the skid. And to warn people that you’re skidding, I guess.

Espn had Herbstreit, ‘Booger’, and then Joey Galloway out there saying you’re just being soft if you think Kiffin shouldn’t coach two teams. So fucking stupid.

Wearing my Barstool hoodie so that everyone knows I’m a cool guy who loves sports and chicks and gambling.

Too many evictions scheduled, man.

USF’s Alex Golesh to Auburn? This is a great hire. AG is a BIG culture guy. Excited to see what he can do there. I’ve never heard of him.

Never discount the power of sincerely offered glad tidings.

Who is forcing BYU? Win and in. Lose and not.

Jaylen Brown one of the quickest hair recessions in history. Had that sweet flat top like 5 years ago to this patchy, sloppy mess today.

Boston’s Snowport Holiday Market: Tourist trap, or bad rap?

Just an inscrutable play by Younghoe Koo.

Derek Thompson is the most fake smart writer I’ve ever seen.

Brian Walshe looks like Jay Sherman from ‘The Critic’.

So many catalogs arriving based on the questionable assumption I want to give the gift of cheese.

Best bet for the weekend: Good Kid Pasta returns to practice.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I’m travelin’ down the road and I’m flirtin’ with disaster
I got the pedal to the floor and my life is runnin’ faster.

*And happy birthday to Boston’s Own Alicia Sacramone, multiple time Gymnastics World Champion.*

11/26/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on November 26, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Don’t worry Minifans, Kirk will still be on all that Barstool shit you don’t care about!

Wonder if Bruins fans envision 63 one day hanging in the rafters. The number, not the player.

First Take is The View for unemployed men.

I see the 12-year-olds with meme accounts still have no idea how the NFL scheduling formula works

Cambridge is really an interesting city. It’s designed to look just like Boston and it wants so hard to be Boston, but it has none of the charm or way of life that make Boston what it is.

Ryan Clark has gotten so good at apologies they got him apologizing on behalf of Stephen A now.

I’ve grown entirely too fond of using balsamic glaze on just about everything.

I’ll never not root for Jacoby Brissett.

Aloha means goodbye. Aloha, Jim Mora. UConn’s a baseball school anyway.

Cakes are cooking for Rich Little, Jan Stenerud, Ethan Russell, John McVie, Art Shell, Richie Hebner, Ilona Staller, Harry Carson, Bob Walk, Dale Jarrett, Harold Reynolds, Chuck Finley, Adam Gaynor, Mario Elie, Jeff Jaeger, Garcelle Beauvais, Sue Wicks, John Stirratt, Steve Lofton, John Amaechi, Shawn Kemp, Winky Wright, DJ Khaled, Jamie Fiske, Natasha Bedingfield, Rita Ora, and Louis Ducruet.

Was today years old learning Reggie Lewis has the exact same birthday as Björk.

Just got a complaint from another worker that the demo im doing is too loud. You’ve got two options buddy. Put some fucking ear plugs in or find a new line of work.

I was an earlier sabermetrics adopter but yes this has gotten out of hand.

Worcester Line Train 519 (7:30 am from South Station) will make additional stops at Wellesley Farms through West Natick to accommodate passengers from terminated Train 1517 (7:10 am from South Station).

Head Dummy—is that better or worse than Viceroy?

Congratulations Medford! You get to wallow in filth and vermin while your eco-idiot mayor counts the green scam money. The real trash problem is at city hall.

Get well soon Will Campbell. And Jared Wilson. And Khryiris Tonga. And Neemias Queta.

Stephen A. Smith thinks everything in sports revolves around him. Cam not even on enough for everyone to know he’s on lol. There are people who still ask what happened to Max Kellerman and that was like 3 years ago.

I really enjoyed the hell out of @RealGDT’s FRANKENSTEIN on Netflix. Terrific filmmaker.

How can I worry about not having an SP2 when I still haven’t seen a WR1?

Mass Maritime football is basically 13th grade.

Marcus Jones read that terrible throw like a millennial ripping through Harry Potter.

I think I said this before but Josh Allen could really use a Stefon Diggs.

Josh is an unreliable narrator, like Holden Caulfield, or Dan Lifshatz.

Threw some chords together
The combination D-E-F
Is who I am, is what I do
And I was gonna lay it down for you

I try to focus my attention
But I feel so A.D.D.
I need some help, some inspiration
But it’s not coming easily

Trying to find the magic
Trying to write a classic
Don’t you know, don’t you know, don’t you know?

There’s an NCAA Mens basketball player named Jordan Marsh? Does he happen to have a recipe for blueberry muffins?

FYI: There was an entertainment world before 1970.

Nowhere for UMass Football to go but up. Or stay winless next year too, I guess.

I think I wouldn’t mind being hairless.

Sending my boss the lyrics to “Knuck If You Buck” was not on my bingo card for a Monday.

Geekie is studly. See what I did there?

Honk if you remember Bobby Orr’s last game as a Bruin.

Did Jahlani Tavai know ahead of time that Kirk was quitting the podcast?

Chris Gasper thinks you lose socks in the washing machine.

I laughed out loud when Gordon Wood popped up on Kenny Burns’ documentary.

Kirk stayed long enough with saddling Portnoy with a one-year Mut contract. Kinda respect it.

Wriggle is an underrated word.

Gonna pay an Indian guy to start an army of pro-Belichick accounts.

Maybe Orlovsky can be the new UConn coach. Mina can be the OC with her big football brain.

Best bet for the weekend: slow moving traffic.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Over the river and through the woods.

*Bianca says it’s okay to wear your stretchy pants tomorrow.*

11/19/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on November 19, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*Man. Quoting Cam Newton in Ebonics is a rough look.*

I’m no computer nerd, but the best way to avoid B*arstool tweets probably isn’t throwing a banana cream pie at their clown car.

Mazzulla is always visibly fuming when Drew Carter does the pre-game interview.

Kirk is taking Mut not knowing what a sitcom is really hard.

I wonder if Dianna Russini has thoughts about the Olivia Nuzzi revelations.

Being able to move on from your playing days is a skill.

I was just thinking, is Barstool ready for what they’ve started? No one messes with Hardy and Sarge’s crew and gets away it.

Coed adult cheerleading team?

Red Sox now have a new catcher, but only one bullpen lefty. Concerning.

Cakes are cooking for Ted Turner, Eddie Raynor, Calvin Klein, Dennis Hull, Bob Boone, Ahmad Rashad, Robert Beltran, Kathleen Quinlan, Ann Curry, Charlie Kaufman, Michael Wilbon, Alison Janney, Grant Ledyard, Meg Ryan, Jodie Foster, Terry Farrell, Paul Weitz, Gail Devers, Rocco DiSpirito, Gary Disarcina, Justin Chancellor, Jeremy McGrath, Savion Glover, Jack Dorsey, Kerri Strug, Ryan Howard, Adam Driver, and Patrick Kane.

Little known fact: The viceroy and roy aren’t constitutionally allowed to fly on the same airplane.

I had a Pop-Tart and feel disgusting.

Never in NFL history has a backup QB come into a game and used it as the launchpad for a successful career.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Editorial discretion.”

Meanwhile, the phrase that never pays to say is and remains, “May I meet you?”

The NFL is better when the Jaguars are good.

Stan Musial: 1815 home hits. I815 road hits. As the Ol’ Perfessor would say, “You can look it up.”

One might say Kenni’s about to grow into an allergy… of getting owned.

Aaron Glenn looks like the leader of a slave rebellion.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

Surely this Kendra humiliation will cut through all the squids telling her how great she is.

“Blue-collar chip on shoulder guy” is a top 5 annoying personality type.

Robert appearing to be half a head taller than Gronk thanks to his booster seat is ridiculous.

Kirk Herbstreit’s job at this point is just humoring doddering old men while they prattle on about bullshit from 30 years ago. “Oh, really, Hartford? Wow, crazy.”

If Gresh blocked at URI like he does on Twitter he would’ve been drafted.

Does Pete Carroll have a legacy and is it in flames?

John Cena vs. Dominik Mysterio at Survivor Series would absolutely slap.

YOU were in a rock fight with the Jets, caller!

Normally you had to pay admission to one of Portnoy’s old Barstool foam parties to get that level of abused.

Have any of the radio stations gone to all-Thanksgiving music yet?

Honk if you remember Briff.

Rewatching the Patriots game and it brought up a random thought. I really miss the bond you get from being on a team. I miss that team camaraderie. Nothing like it. Anyone else miss it? Let us know in the comments.

Now if I appear to be carefree, it’s only to camouflage my sadness
In order to shield my pride, I’ve tried to cover this hurt with a show of gladness
But don’t let my show convince you
That I’ve been happy since you decided to go (why did you go?)
Oh, I need you so (I need you so)
I’m hurt and I want you to know (want you to know)
But for others I put on a show (it’s just a show)

Ooh ah, there’s some sad things known to man
But there ain’t too much sadder than the tears of a clown
When there’s no one around, oh yeah

Mais non, cher, from what I see, Gresh lost over 100 pounds back in 2019 wit’ a program, not Ozempic. No sign he usin’ dat stuff. Callin’ him a slob? Dat’s subjective, me, but he a sharp sports guy. Laissez les bons temps rouler!

You had me at “ok face.”

Imagine thinking having 5 active jobs on the ol’ LinkedIn looks good.

When did YAC yards become RAC yards?

You know a guy is dirty when Mark Schelreth says, “this guy isn’t dirty.”

BYU and UNC will have an epic Holiday Bowl in 2027.

Next thing you know we’re going to find out she doesn’t really work 65 hours a week.

Aloha means goodbye. Aloha, Johnny Beecher.

Best bet for the weekend: Bill the GM’s former players playing well on other NFL squads.

THE GARDEN was built for the brawlers, the bombers, THE ABSOLUTE SHOT-CALLERS! Beantown demands the PROS, baby, not some doe-eyed amateurs still figuring out which end of the rink is up! We shelled out our hard-earned cash to watch the GODS: Russell blockin’ shots into the Charles, Orr flyin’ end-to-end like a jet, Bird drainin’ ‘em with the silky smooth, Espo snipin’ top shelf where Mama hides the cookies! These are the GIANTS who strode among us mere mortals!
*So take that college kiddie carnival back down to Storrs, Geno!*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Wash before wearing.

*And happy birthday to Ukrainian-Canadian supermodel Daria Werbowy.*

11/12/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on November 12, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Hey stupid, there was another, even easier way to retire as a Patriot.

Poor Kacsmar. Maye won a game where he made “over” 26 pass attempts. That means six more weeks of not leaving the basement.

Might be time for JB to make the call to Dr. Leonard. Just sayin’,

Portnoy has a nutritionist, a personal trainer, and a personal chef and he’s still sloppy.

Baseball needs more awards. There; I said it.

Bill’s dream job becoming available enough to pry him out of Chapel Hill, caller?

Boston is cornering the market on Marco/Marko’s. Think Marco Scutaro wants a job with the Sox staff?

Ketamine makes you act inauthentic sometimes.

For Curt Schilling, there’s nothing hotter than sending someone to the showers. What?

Antonio Brown’s perpetual motion fall from grace continues. Tom vouched.

Cakes are cooking foe Wallace Shawn, Al Michaels, Booker T. Jones, Neil Young, Valerie Leon, Buck Dharma, Pooch Tavares, Jack Reed, Paul McNamee, Megan Mullally, Greg Gagne, Nadia Comăneci, Naomi Wolf, Erik Howard, Michael Moorer, Sammy Sosa, Tonya Harding, Mayte Garcia, Radha Mitchell, Ashley Williams, Cote de Pablo, Ryan Gosling, Anne Hathaway, Jason Day, and Russell Westbrook.

Nap Lajoie is the only Hall of Famer whose plaque includes the word “graceful.” Would loved to have seen him play.

Ending a bag of peanuts on a good peanut is an underrated great feeling.

Portnoy brought in Hogdale to look skinny by comparison.

Why didn’t Dondero pause for a longer amount of time before executing that completely spontaneous spit-take?

All the best football experts promote shady gaming apps.

Red Line Update: Delays of about 10 minutes due to an earlier train with a door issue at Davis. Service is proceeding.

Imagine having a kid and wanting to tell Perrault and Carrabis.

Zolak talked all over the 4th down stop, which was good because then he was all tuckered out for the Henderson run.

How is it 2025 in America and most stores in the mall don’t stock 3XL T-shirts?

National Signing Day and it’s some retard in a shitty cafeteria choosing between Endicott and Fitchburg State hats.

Who needs Mac & Cheese on Thanksgiving?

I’m so glad Rich Eisen went back to ESPN, so we don’t have to listen to his terrible play-by-play.

Mike Lombardi’s hair looks like when a guy in a 70s sitcom had a hairpiece that would fall off and he’d frantically put it on backward.

Papaya Gaming?

Hey gang of grifting gals, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “She has the shape of a DeNucci.”

If tinnitus is a disability I’m Stephen fucking Hawking.

RA slurs so much that the generated captions don’t match what he’s saying.

Team Bucko Kilroy here. For reasons.

Hey buddy, haven’t you heard there’s a penny shortage in this country?

Seven game winning streaks. So hot right now.

Too soon to call Flagg a GM killer?

C’mon UMass!

Honk if you remember Grönk Flakes.

This is obviously all a ploy for Mina Kimes to promote her Mahjong app.

He’s a perfect stranger
Like a cross of himself and a fox
He’s a feeling arranger
And a changer of the ways he talk
He’s the unforeseen danger
The keeper of the key to the lock

Know when you see him
Nothing can free him
Step aside, open wide
He’s the loner.

So I can’t see the Northern Lights, but my cell phone can? That doesn’t seem fair.

The Cleveland Guardians pitchers were a good start, but when are they going to arrest Troy Vincent?

Celtics lead the league in the strong effort in helpful losses category.

Bo Nix with eye black looks like Bill Romanowski.

The irredeemable slobs at 98.5 are upset they can’t treat their workplace like a college dorm kitchenette.

BC basketball lost to Directional Connecticut? Was Bill O’Brien in attendance?

Every fanbase hates their OC no matter what. It’s ridiculous.

I’m not saying we bullied Joe into giving Walsh playing time, but I’m not not saying it either.

Have we mentioned that Pasta is a Good Kid? Because he is.

Best bet for the weekend: visits to the meat counter to order the fresh turkeys.

*Mmmm. You can really taste the beechwood sawdust aging.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Gas glove available inside.

11/05/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on November 5, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*Be more needy for attention, Robert. You can’t! And are those Cardi’s sisters, Hennessy and Thunderbird?*

Blue Jays got Maple Leaf’d. You hate to see it. I am gutted for Don Mattingly.

Miami GM gets axed, but McDaniel doesn’t? The headline could have been, ‘Dolphins fire 1-and-a-half black men.’

The Bruins Russian contingent is playing like the alternative is being shipped out to the Donetsk salient.

If you forced detainees at Guantanamo Bay to watch “Wake Up Barstool,” it would be considered a grave breach of the Geneva Conventions.

Socci is not good at play by play, but he has no chance with Zolak’s Tourette’s.

Anybody know the best way to directly and immediately pay for some groceries for people who need them right now? Was going to just post a tweet asking if I could Venmo whoever needs it but I don’t want to have to make people publicly respond.

Chaisson needs the Henderson skinny letter nameplate for his jersey. IMO.

Jordan Walsh is the only Celtics player not getting into these games. Is it because he scares people?

Cakes are cooking for Elke Sommer, Art Garfunkel, Pablo Gomez, Debbie Massey, Alvin Gentry, Kris Jenner, Jeff Watson, David Moyse, Michael “Mike” Score, Robert Patrick, Bryan Adams, Ken Coomer, Tilda Swinton, Brian Wheat, Tatum O’Neal, Judy Reyes, Bob Dahl, Sam Rockwell, Jennifer Guthrie, Javy López, Corin Nemec, Dana Jacobson, Jonny Greenwood, Rob Jones, Alexei Yashin, Johnny Damon, Rupert Grant, Jerry Stackhouse, Ryan Adams, Bubba Watson Jr., Nick Folk, Kevin Jonas, and Odell Beckham Jr.

Florida National vs Florida International feels like it should be a bigger rivalry.

So, given the heartbreak of 2023 and all the chances left on the table of we’ll never know… how in the Phil Esposito-autographed, put-the-biscuit-in-the-basket world did Pavel Zacha not shoot the puck wide open in the slot late in the second period of a scoreless game?

I expected the loudmouth Italian with two shitty part time jobs to be an intellectual.

You know the Patriots are back when you start seeing Schwab tweets.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “The fourth costume of the weekend will be the funny one.”

The Dodgers have started a necklace rage. Kiké and Yoshinobu Yamamoto have sapphire tennis ones, custom made. Miguel Rojas has an agate VCA Alhambra one. Joc Pederson’s pearls look lame by comparison.

Green Line: Through November 13 No service between Park St and Medford/Tufts for maintenance. Use shuttles between Medford/Tufts and North Station. Use the Orange Line through downtown. Union Square riders use Route 87 to Lechmere.

Raheem Morris was dressed like he’s invading Ice Station Zebra.

Boston sports media members age worse than pro wrestlers. And many look like them, especially the women.

Are tires important in NASCAR? It seems like they would be.

Loved the bald ump struggling to explain the rule they made up for one guy: “Yeah it’s the World Series and we got a lotta Japs watching tonight so why don’t you fuck right off?”

I can’t believe there are people out there who would voluntarily live and/or work in anything higher than the fourth floor of a building.

If only the Jets had a Geno Smith or Sam Darnold-type. Wait, what?

Regardless of how you feel about Mike McDaniel as a coach, he is the type of leader I would want surrounding my loved one if they were in the NFL.

When people are like you must not be watching the game BABE it’s the St. Louis blues and I’m bi in Boston and its midnight on a Wednesday I’m doing Cher ‘Believe’ on karaoke why would I ever be watching that game?

Littal you big dummy, you can’t join the mile high club in your own bed.

Why would you watch sports if your reaction to somebody breaking a record is “congrats on doing your job.”

I support Lou Whitaker’s candidacy, but it has nothing to do with the fraudulent nonsense non-stat known as WAR.

Cloning your dog is 100000x weirder than letting a 24-year-old tug your prick.

Listened on repeat whole workout. 1 hour 44 minutes of we to install microwave ovens custom kitchen deliveryyyyy.

I found something worse than women’s basketball. Women’s college hockey. Holy cannoli.

Where on God’s green earth does one find that donut croissant?

For all the great anthem singers in Canada, MLB has really whiffed on their O Canada warblers.

Aldi employees cross train in all departments. It creates roster flexibility across all platforms and lets Madge unload a truck once in a while.

I’m sure it’s great for your mental health to have your name be shorthand for abject failure. Ryan Leaf IS Roy Munson.

Lotta opting ins, lotta opting outs, lotta what have you’s.

Hi. A pedantic moment. We are now back in Standard Time. Daylight Saving Time is the summertime one.

Drake Maye, Mac Jones and Jacoby Brissett all win this week. Just missing Jimmy G.

Good at least the Sox are in on everything again and this will provide some needed momentum for Christmas at Fenway sponsored by Stop and Shop.

Sauce Gardner got more picks for the #Jets yesterday (2) than he has for his whole career (1).

If the Dodgers win another World Series when baseball resumes in 2027 will that count as a Threepeat?

I am going to miss Ryen Rotillo no-selling Simmons’ stupid jokes.

Anyone else been just super depressed since we lost Barstool Beef? I find myself looking for him everywhere.

Clamdicapping is a hell of a business.

Won’t you scratch my itch, sweet Annie Rich?
And welcome me back to town
Come out on your porch or step into your parlour
And I’ll tell you how it all went down
Out with the truckers and the kickers and the cowboy angels
And a good saloon in every single town.

Yes and I remembered something you once told me
And I’ll be damned if it did not come true
Well twenty thousand roads I went down, down, down
And they all led me straight back home to you.

On the bright side, some gayball Toronto sportswriter is gonna milk this heartbreaking loss for the next 50 years.

And now Kiner-Falefa has some free time to teach Drake Maye how to slide.

Was Jordon Hudson seen carrying a book containing the Sir Arthur Conan Doyle Sherlock Holmes short story ‘Silver Blaze?’

Honk if you remember George Foreman KO of Michael Moorer to regain the Heavyweight championship.

Denny Hamlin: More laps in first place!

Coach Vrabes is gonna make Curtis start drinking again.

Sean McVay has developed a relationship with Joe Mazzulla — and Mazzulla apparently is trying to convince McVay to try jiu jitsu.

Every position is a specialist. That’s why they’re called ‘positions.’

If you make the playoffs and then shop a guy like Skubal you should be forced to sell the team.

Kevin Love is on the Jazz?!

Best bet for the weekend: now the Loyko investigation can begin in earnest over at BSJ!

*(The lowest form of humor is the ‘same name!’ gag. Nevertheless…)*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Sail on silver girl. Sail on by.

*And Happy Birthday to model/actress Famke Janssen, What is that, Dutch?*

10/29/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on October 29, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

The first thing I’d ask if I were at a crooked poker game is, ‘Does the table always hum like that?’

Once again, the local media contingent is the last to know breaking Patriots news.

I thought we had so many years left with Beef. His absence leaves a void that can only be filled with fatter, more hilariously named men.

You know it could be a good day when one of the first things you hear is Screamin’ Jay Hawkins singing “I Put A Spell On You.”

Does Eliot Wolf fancy himself as some kind of 6th round draft savant?

The Bruins appear to be bipolar. Unfortunately.

That stuff that Chauncey Billups and Damon Jones are accused of is legitimately the type of stuff that gets people taken out. No exaggeration.

Cakes are cooking for Ralph Bakshi, Claude Brochu, Robbie van Leeuwen, Richard Dreyfuss, Kate Jackson, Guy Gelso, Denis Potvin, Lee Child, Roger O’Donnell, Dan Castellaneta, Jesse Barfield, Mike Gartner, Michael Carter, Randy Jackson, Yasmin Le Bon, Peter Timmons, Joely Fisher, Rufus Sewell, Peter Breen, Marquez Pope, Gabrielle Union, Tracee Ellis Ross, Michael Shur, Ben Foster, Amanda Beard, Maurice Clarett, Chris Baio, Eric Staal, Gio Benitez, Andy Dalton, and Evan Fournier.

Sarge, that picture should be titled ‘Beefcake Heaven’ or the ‘Studs on Causeway.’

It’s always best to point shave in game 7 of the ECF, a game nobody pays attention to.

Orange Line Update: Please continue to expect delays of about 10 minutes while signal personnel work to overcome a switch problem at Oak Grove.

Does Hogdale become the new Barstool Beef automatically, or is a vote needed?

I’m just gonna go ahead and say it: I love rugby style punters.

Hey gang of fun-haters, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “One-day contracts are stupid.”

Never thought I’d be looking at the NBA Tankathon page again so soon but here we are.

Brian Kelly. Free to pursue other opportunities.

I never understood how an inverted W isn’t just an M.

Pablo Torre’s working on Jordon Hudson’s connection to this NBA gambling scandal.

Coach Vrabes is whacking people with connections to the Lombardi crime family.

Isn’t Dybantsa the drug that treats POTS?

There are survivalist ham radio operators with better Arbitron ratings than WEEI’s lineup.

I am physically incapable of not saying Quinshon Judkins without using the same cadence as ‘Leroy Jenkins.’

Climate change stops when we harness the power of pregame show fake laughs for clean energy.

In Deliver Me from Nowhere, Bruce Springsteen says his favorite hotdog condiment is mustard but in real life, Bruce Springsteen hates mustard so much he did a whole yap about it during a show. How the hell did E Street Ombudsman Gary W. Tallent let this happen?

Working on a fun story tonight where I get to combine two passions: special teams and apple cider doughnuts.

We’ve reached the point where it’s no longer Hazel may … it’s Hazel does.

Today I learned that primer is pronounced, ‘primmer’ when used as a preview of something. I have been mispronouncing that for 46 years.

It’s like those veteran suicide awareness commercials, but instead of some jarhead, they send in Bill Burt and “Hardy.”

Barstool Tofu is still alive and well.

Robert Saleh’s defense loves undersized interior penetrators.

I put a spell on you
Because you’re mine
Stop the things you tell
Watch out, I ain’t lyin’.

Yeah, I can’t stand it
No runnin’ around
I can’t stand it
No, put me down.

I put a spell on you
Because you’re mine, oh yeah
Stop the things you do
Watch out, I ain’t lyin’.

Pets are the best so you just have to give them the best life possible while you can and let them live forever in your memories.

Fun Fact: Point shaving in the WNBA is called point waxing.

Pats should sign Jerod Mayo to a one-day contract and immediately cut him.

Honk if you remember the F/V Andrea Gail.

Or maybe Barstool is like Al-Qaeda: One leader dies, they’re automatically replaced. Seamless transition.

TreyVeyon got his touches! Now what to complain about?

If Hogdale is streaming to ten people during a normal game, I wonder what was happening in the 18th inning the other night.

Another reminder MLB should have emergency backup pitchers in the stands. EBUPs.

I can’t remember a Sunday night when I didn’t think Cris Collinsworth is an asshole. Last Sunday was not one of them.

Sad about Logan Mankins. Maybe Speros stole his donor kidney?

Why on Earth is Marlins Man still a thing? Go away already. It’s played out.

Best bet for the weekend: zero bags of leftover candy.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, Old Friends Hacksaw & Yahtzee, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Happy Halloween, ladies. (laughs) Nuns. No sense of humor.

*And happy Birthday to actress Winona Ryder, who puts one on a Halloween frame of mind.*

10/22/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on October 22, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*It got a little dusty in the TD Garden last night, amirite?*

Tough loss, Mariners. Can I interest you in a baseball poem?

Hoping that for his next investigation, Pablo Torre can find out how Katie Nolan keeps getting work.

NESN talking Patriots credit pie? Bill only ever got blame pie. And such large portions!

When you turn too many corners you end up back where you started.

Toucher, Adam 12, Hardy and Big Jim… why not make the entire station out of failed rock DJs?

If I had been playing in that media basketball game, I would have pulled my team off the floor. Sometimes you have to make a statement.

Dammit Carolina Hurricanes, stop wearing the Whalers branding as a skin suit.

Cakes are cooking for Christopher Lloyd, Derek Jacobi, Jan de Bont, Lee Meredith, Greg Hawkes, Jeff Goldblum, Bobby Blotzer, Cris Kirkwood, Barbara Potter, Leonard Marshall, Bob Odenkirk, Brian Boitano, Valeria Golino, Carlos Mencia, Ron Tugnutt, Shaggy, Shelby Lynn, Spike Jonze, Saffron Burrows, Tyrone Williams, Ichiro Suzuki, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Brad Stevens, Jon Foreman, Olivier Pla, Heath Miller, Robinson Canó, Zac Hanson, Jonathan Lipnicki, Marcus Jones, and TreVeyon Henderson.

Love my gals of sports twitter today and always.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “We’re starting to reach the point where it’s no longer Drake may … it’s Drake is.”

You can be bald or gay but not both.

Globe Pitchbot makes Michael Hurley look like Patrice O’Neal.

Green Line D Branch Reminder: From 8 PM on October 24 through October 31. Local and Express Shuttle buses will replace service between Kenmore and Riverside for maintenance work.

FYI, Celtics season ticket renewal is March, with commitment to renew in February.

I wonder if Gene Simmons gave Ace Frehley’s family a Kiss coffin at half-price.

Guys, I don’t know if it’s been said before, but we’re starting to reach the point where it’s no longer Drake may … it’s Drake is.

Whomever convinced Chris Gasper he’s a good writer needs to be brought before The Hague.

Aaron Rodgers yelling is lowkey kinda scary.

Hate when I see a 12-year-old kid wearing a sliding mitt, but Vlad Jr. makes it look cool.

As usual I’m the only one in the exit row to review the passenger safety card. I don’t see any of these people helping in the event of an emergency.

It’s crazy, like, I was just thinking that we’re actually starting to reach the point where it’s no longer Drake may … it’s Drake is. Anyone else feel this way?

Savor all the moments we have left with Chris Berman.

Long Johns went on today. Sorry folks, but it’s officially winter. I don’t care what your calendar says.

White women love two things: fucking with their faces and autumn.

You know the Patriots are back when Joe Murray and Dondero open up the postgame show by complaining about the Patriots trying to force the run, and how the defense needs to play better.

Black cats conduct heat evenly.

Why do refs say, “by rule”? What else would it be by?

As I was driving home, a thought struck me: We’re starting to reach the point where it’s no longer Drake may … it’s Drake is.

Damn convenient the Charles River water quality markedly improved right before the Regatta!

And when I wake up in the morning
To feel the daybreak on my face
There’s a blood that’s flowing through the feeling
With a knife to open up the sky’s veins.

Some things will never change
You just stand there looking backwards half unconscious from the pain
It may seem rearranged
In the backwater swirling there is something that will never change.

The best murder weapon would be a Tupperware lid…No one would be able to find it.

Porzingis had POTS? So is he better now? I ask because the broads seem to make it their personality for the rest of their life.

Honk if you remember when Paul was dead.

The next day, local television journalist Clark Booth suggested, “Instead of playing a seventh game, they should spread tables and checkered tablecloths across the outfields and just have a picnic, a feast to a glorious World Series, and toast one another until dawn.’’

It’s alright to cry Marchy, crying takes the sad out of you.

Congratulations to K’Lavon Chaisson for being named AFC Defensive Player of the Week.

Salem Ghost Lantern Stroll!

After looking at Marchand in a Panthers uni all night now I look up and it’s Marcus Smart as a Laker.

The Celtics, they could surprise!

Best bet for the weekend: we draw inexorably nearer to the point where it’s no longer Drake may … it’s Drake is.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. She’s drivin’ away, with the dim lights on.

*And happy birthday to French actress Catherine Deneuve.*

10/08/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on October 8, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Bill needs to dump that gold-digging whore. I’m talking about Freddie Kitchens, obviously.

The Boston Bruins quest for The Cup begins tonight, with no less than three alternate Captains. Leadership will evolve organically.

I’m hearing that Barstool just hired Frederica Bimmel.

Zdeno Chara will be the first player to hang his jersey up in the rafters without needing a pulley system.

You’re all pissing me off the album is good and it’s ok if you think it’s bad but like it’s not my problem. She’s cringe. Expecting her not to be cringe was your problem. BTW, this is how many of us felt about “Pop” in 1997.

If H. Paul Rico were alive he would crack down on the Bills Mafia.

For many of us this is a baseball High Holy Day, the 69th anniversary of Don Larsen’s Perfect Game. Or, as some prefer, Yogi’s Leap.

I like that Mark Sanchez went back to the bar after being stabbed. You can’t teach that.

Cakes are cooking for Rona Barrett, Paul Hogan, Fred Cash, Chevy Chase, R.L. Stine, Ray Royer, Hamish Stuart, Sigourney Weaver, Robert “Kool” Bell, Edward Zwick, Michael Dudikoff, Bill Elliott, Darrell Hammond, Stephanie Zimbalist, Joe Castiglione, Nick Bakay, Tony Eason, Reed Hastings, CeCe Winans, Matt Biondi, Emily Procter, Karyn Parsons, Matt Damon, Soon-Yi Previn, Monty Williams, Donnie Abraham, DJ Q-Ball, Kristanna Loken, Nick Cannon, The Miz, Raffi Torres, Travis Pastrana, Bruno Mars, Bubba Wallace, G Herbo, and Bella Thorne.

Cam In Taunton actually applied for a job at Barstool, but they told him he was too thin.

.A Ferrari beefing with a Sauber? I’m sat.

Imagine what Christian Barmore could accomplish if he only knew how to read.

Never skip face day, bro.

Orange Line: This weekend, October 11 – 13. No Train service between Forest Hills and North Station due to signal work. Use Shuttle buses between Forest Hills and Back Bay. Use the Green Line between Copley and North Station.

Hey Hogdale, You don’t need to work blue! You’ll never play the big rooms with that crap. Ask Redd Foxx. You don’t need the blue stuff, kid, you got talent!

Bob, I was lucky enough to watch the whole game on Black and White TV. I skipped school that day. I don’t think we will ever see that again. The present managers would have Larsen out in the 6th. I thought Jackie Robinson would break up the Perfect game. It was a joyous day. I interviewed Don Larsen many years later.

Most teams play better when they aren’t too busy being dumb.

Hey gang of pill hurlers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “when you grip the hide, hide your grip!”

Trying not to let small disappointments determine my day.

Good radio bit for Dondy: ranking the greatest sports stabbings. “OJ had the panache, but I gotta give the edge to Seles here. And Pierce gotta be top 3.”

We skipped the light fandango
Turned cartwheels ‘cross the floor
I was feeling kind of seasick
But the crowd called out for more.
The room was humming harder,
As the ceiling flew away.
When we called out for another drink-
The waiter brought a tray-

And so it was that later
As the miller told his tale.
That her face, at first just ghostly,
Turned a whiter shade of pale.

Foxboro Stadium in the 70s at a night game would kill everyone in Western NY and then invade Canada.

Honk if you remember Hyacinth Bucket.

Why make a name for yourself when you can just ride your dad’s coattails? Must be nice.

I can’t imagine being excited about that time 69 years ago when I read about a baseball game a day after it happened. And then saw the Movietone News highlights a week later between the Bowery Boys and the latest Abbott and Costello feature. I’m sure it was magical.

I can’t WAIT to bust out my Irish cardigan soon!

Has the Widow Russell forbidden Bill’s kids from using his bridge?

Much. Needed. Rain.

Well now I’m hearing Bill is giving his players warm Gatorade! An alum can’t pony up his buyout wad fast enough!

Puka Nacua remains a must-start in all formats.

Imagine not hating your job.

Either die a Marv Levy or coach long enough to become a Joe Gibbs.

Passed out at 6-1. The Yankees came back and won?!?!?!

Bert Bell created the Himmy Award in 1949. The Philadelphia Eagles’ Steve Van Buren took home the first one.

Best bet for the weekend: Football Cat’s win streak starts again.

We had a very funny footer gag planned comparing Mac’s outfit to something the Batman villain Two Face would wear, “Heads interception, tails nut-crushing fumble.” but then he had to go out there and own. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Pick Up the Pieces.