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01/22/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on January 22, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Congratulations to the Ohio State Football team for being the first six seed to ever win the National Championship Tournament.

Kirk riling up the useless Patriots beat writers into frantic activity is hilarious.

If Ted Johnson thought he had CTE before, just wait!

It’s Washington D.C. vs. Philadelphia in a battle of cities in which I don’t want to stop at red lights. And for NFC supremacy!

It’s funny because there was a television show also called Drake and Josh. No, wait, That’s actually not funny.

You’ve got the football acumen of Andy Hart, Ted Johnson’s sense of humor, and Fitzy’s encyclopedic knowledge of Beantown! What can go wrong?

Lifshatz had the Ainge deal days ago, bro.

Worst Irish ass kicking since the Easter Rising back in 1916.

Cakes are cooking for George Siefert, Steve Perry, Teddy Gentry, Karen Moe, John Wesley Shipp, Steve Riley, Linda Blair, Jeff Treadway, Stojko Vrankovic, DJ Jazzy Jeff, Diane Lane, Steven Adler, Ecaterina Szabo, Guy Fieri, Olivia d’Abo, Alex Ross, Bucky Brooks, Balthazar Getty, Chone Figgins, Ben Moody, Willa Ford, Jason Peters, Ben Eager, Leon Powe, Greg Oden, and Caitlin Clark.

The Bruins gutted out and won that MLK Day matinee to honor Willie O’Ree.

Ryan Day looks like Arby’s in human form.

If Jeff Howe gets one more fake malady he’ll turn into a white broad, forced to scroll WebMD for all eternity.

Herbstreit crying in the booth is embarrassing.

Hey gang of WX’ers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, ‘Cold enough for ya? Hey; at least it’s not snowing!”

Al Qaeda is funnier and has less turnover than EEI afternoons.

What can I say about Tom McVie that those that knew who he was, and what he did haven’t already said? RIP.

Kirk Gibson cleared it and landed at the far end of the lumber yard across the street.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

Can you OD on antidepressants?

The Celtics struggling against bad teams but then beating a good (if depleted) Golden State squad doesn’t concern me because there probably won’t be many bad teams making the playoffs.

‘Puka Nacua is the closest thing to Jesus Christ I will ever see in my lifetime.’ -Middsy Middleton

E-L-G-S-E-S!!

Why am I being told I cannot attend Medical School in Canada?

Time is quickly running out for teams with vacancies to pounce on proven commodity Jerod Mayo.

The only thing Mark Daniels has ever broken is poor Bill Bendetson’s heart.

“I don’t love all the Josh McDaniels screens” should be met with a Lacey Underall, “I was really getting tired of having fun all the time.”

Skeleton Crew wasn’t Andor or early Mandolorian (and it wasn’t trying to be), but it was easily some of the best Star Wars content we’ve gotten in a very long time.

I want to start a GoFundMe for Mike Lombardi to get a proper haircut.

Bring Romeo Crennel out of retirement for DC! If he’s still alive.

‘Executive Vice President of Football Business’ always sounded like Jonathan made the title up on the spot.

Albert Breer has more arrests than he has broken stories.

Live, baby live
Now that the day is over
I got a new sensation
Mmm, perfect moments
But so impossible to refuse

Sleep, baby, sleep
Now that the night is over
And the sun comes like a god
Into our room
All perfect light and promises

Got a hold on you
A new sensation (a new sensation)
Right now
It’s gonna take you over
A new sensation (a new sensation)

Puns used to be the lowest from of humor, until the advent of the ‘same name!’ gag.

MegO went from Jonesy castoff to Celtics insider. She knows things.

‘Brady vs. Belichick: The Verdict.’ That sounds like a sensible use of my finite time on Earth.

Select 2025 Red Sox single game tickets are on sale this week!

Ryan Day looks like what you’d get if Lou Merloni and Dakota from Braintree had a kid.

Congratulations to John Karalis for announcing that he is transitioning in this current environment. Stunning and brave.

Ben Johnson has dull, lifeless eyes, like a doll’s eyes.

BBWAA ballot reveals and my eyes roll back so far they landed 565 feet away.

Honk if you remember R. Budd Dwyer.

Baseball without Bob Uecker is kind of like a birthday cake with no frosting.

Vrable is the new Bellycheck.

Jeff Darlington misusing a program intended for low-income families pays $2.10.

All of Kendra Middleton’s rebuttals to people disagreeing with her are just calling them unfuckable pussies. Way to raise the bar for women, Steinem.

Best bet for the weekend: the former NFL official on the broadcast team agrees with the on-field call.

*‘So long Robyn. We’ll always have the memories. And this new mural.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Rag Mama rag, I can’t believe its true. Rag Mama rag, what did you do? I crawled up to the railroad track. Let the 4: 19 scratch my back.

And Happy Birthday to Brazilian supermodel Raica Oliveria.

01/08/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on January 8, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

So long, Coach Mayo. Congratulations on a job, done.

The Patriots are interviewing Mamadou Ndjaiye for the head coaching position tonight from 8:00-8:05.

Bruins need a shakeup.

Dianna Russini is getting scoops left and right while Jeff Howe is having fake mini strokes and manifesting moles.

What weird thing will Jerry Thornton tweet out today?

Man, the Bills have become the smart franchise, and we have become the Bills. We’re teetering on becoming the Jets.

I know all he’d talk about is fashion and Broadway musicals but would Gasper satisfy the Rooney Rule?

So this Joy Whatever apparently fucked her way to the top of the Women in Sports ladder, and I had never heard her name before yesterday? And she had a real “in sports” gig and completely set the movement back 50 years by sleeping her way in. Brava, Joy.

Remember that thing Phil Perry did? No? Exactly.

Only the best and brightest people analyze professional wrestling.

Cakes are cooking for Shirley Bassey, Bob Eubanks, Boris Vallejo, Little Anthony, John Podesta, John McTiernan, Harriet Sansom Harris, Mike Reno, Rey Misterio Sr., Chris Marion, Hiromi Kobayashi, Michelle Forbes, Willie Anderson, Ami Dolenz, Brian Johnson, Paul Carey, Jeff Abercrombie, Billy Joe Hobert, Jason Giambi*, Brandie Burton, Vitali Yachmenev, Rachel Nichols, Jeff Francis, Gaby Hoffman, Kim Jong-Un*, Jeff Francoeur, and Cynthia Erivo.

Covid did away with the ‘bag your own candy’ section of the supermarket.

Watched Wicked last night and it was a blast. The 2:40 running time flew by. Couldn’t believe Ariana Grande was that friggin’ hilarious. The songs were killer. And the themes were universal like they were in TWoO. Definitely have a re-watch in the future.

‘New England had the worst roster in the league!’ is a thing people are just saying now, like, ‘Miami has a population of 17 million people.’

Green Line E Branch: Delays of about 15 minutes due to a disabled train at Ball Square. Trains may stand by at stations.

Tactical spork!

Skip Bayless running the ol’ Ernie Boch Jr, “Boy oh boy do I love having hot, penis into vagina sex! With women!” play.

Hey gang of functional illiterates, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Why they ain’t been did it?”

Michael Vick was the greatest running QB ever. He also might have as the strongest arm in the league. I saw he Tear two defensive players ACLs on one play.

If you really wanna get your blood boiling on a Saturday, go to COSTCO first thing in the morning.

Joy having a bunch of thirst trap picture is great too, because every time the “in sports” people get called on that they pretend one thing isn’t related to the other.

I fondly remember going to see dozens of highly-touted Red Sox draft picks flounder at McCoy.

The best bang for anyone’s buck at the grocery store is a box of microwave popcorn. Tell me I’m wrong.

My blood pressure has dropped 50 points since I decided to (metaphorically) embrace Upton instead of hating him.

“Joy, because of you, my son wants to be a woman. In sports.” – Magic Johnson

Provolone makes up 2.5% of the cheese produced in the U.S. with 370 million pounds of provolone made in 2023.

When the best player in the world is just across the bridge, you get your ass to the barn.

Dude, it’s VrabEL.

Jerod Mayo. When you need a win he loses and when we need a loss he wins. It’s like he’s working undercover for another NFL organization!

Bootlegging boozer on the west side
Full of people who are doing wrong
Just about to call up the DA man
When I heard this woman singin’ a song

A pair of 45s made me open my eyes
My temperature started to rise

She was a long cool woman in a black dress
‘Bout a 5’9″, beautiful, tall
With just one look I was a bad mess
‘Cause that long cool woman had it all.

I applied self-tanner yesterday and it’s very mild but oh man am i so back baby i wasn’t depressed i just was pale.

Mean ol’ Bill better not leaved all those HS seniors and collegiate student-athletes in the lurch!

Loved Nosferatu. Didn’t love spending $6 on a bottle of water.

There are people who actually purchased Bailey Zappe Patriots jerseys…you know who you are.

I had a grilled cheese and a PB&J smoothie for dinner. Truly living the best life.

Honk if you remember Larry Storch.

If you’re going to be one of these smarmy in sports cvnts you cannot look like a Star Wars background character.

“Peanut butter skin” is a phrase I’ve never heard before.

The Patiots placement near the top of the 2025 Draft order opens many interesting scenarios given the high probability of them trading back to fill multiple needs & and also staying open to a variety of trade proposals—including for name players that other teams need to be move for cap reasons.

Pro Tip: Don’t wear that tan suit from your wedding in your business profile pic.

Where does that Rear Admiral get all that energy?

Bob Veale was kind of the National League’s Sudden Sam McDowell. Both were BIG, left-handed fireballers who were wild enough to make you nervous, same era, and Pittsburgh/Cleveland. Veale was probably a hair better than Sam, but a lot the same.

Bob’s a liar, Jerod knew.

That’s two trash days in a row it was too windy to put the recycling bin on the curb.

Does Vrioni even speak French?

I’m glad they gave that nice Katie Nolan another chance to grab the brass ring.

Best bet for the weekend: Mahomes doubtful for the bye week with a nagging injury.

*Is Coco Higgins available to be interviewed for any and all NFL head coaching vacancies?*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Don’t step on my blue suede shoes.

*And happy birthday to child actress & now musician Jenny Lewis.*

12/26/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on December 26, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

The Celtics can’t just have an off-game or not play their best. Any loss is an indictment of their system and the coaching that goes into it. Like the Dynasty Patriots when every win was a formality, and every loss was a referendum on the team’s legacy. It’s fucking tiresome. They lost by 4, so chill the fuck out and shut the fuck up. This team is fine.

Rickey doesn’t like this talk about Rickey being dead. Hopefully someone tells his John Olerud story again.

My favorite Shaq endorsement is printer ink.

Say what you will about Craig Breslow, but a guy who spends his Christmas Eve searching for Mickey Gasper trade partners is a guy I want running my baseball team.

Milt Pappas is a great name.

So the late and bafflingly lamented Bunky Donaldson was a negative piece of shit even during the most impressive dynasty in team sports history? Good guy! He will not be missed in this quarter, despite his savant-like ability to ‘phone a restaurant and make reservations.’

Mina Kimes providing *significantly* more insight and information than RGIII and Teo is really tough for the “you have to play football to analyze football” crowd.

Pneumonia is psychosomatic.

You can have a turnover-prone running back and win games. You can have a turnover-prone quarterback and win games. But it’s tough to win games having both.

I’ve had a theory since I was a kid but I’ve never known if it makes any sense, but it’s that the sharp/crisp sound of the audio of movies in theaters is meant to subliminally make you want to buy popcorn because of how crisp popcorn sounds when you say it.

Cakes are cooking for John Walsh, Carlton Fisk, Chris Chambliss, Ozzie Smith, Peter Woods, David Sedaris, Gail Tatterson, Karen Smith, Adrian Newey, Temuera Morrison, Lars Ulrich, Tim Legler, Jared Leto, Ryan Berube, Tiffany Brissette, Tony Brackens, Chris Daughtry, Kit Harrington, and Lucille Burdge.

Also, is it just me or are popcorn ceilings designed to make you reflexively say, “did you finish?”

Getting my period tomorrow and sobbing after two drinks today because Randy Moss doesn’t have a super bowl ring.

Wait, what?

Dickie V is going to Beetlejuice his cancer back.

Newburyport Train 146 (7:54 am from Newburyport) is cancelled due to a mechanical issue. Passengers will be accommodated by Train 148 (8:49 am from Newburyport). Passengers between Beverly and N Station may also consider Train 106 (8:13 am from Rockport).

I’m trying to figure out what ‘Sopan Deb’ is an anagram for.

Stormy Buonantony can’t be real.

Orlando and Philadelphia going with the old Pistons the end theory. Just foul every play. They won’t call them all.

I don’t have Netflix so I can’t watch football.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Nothing good ever comes from fucking around with a white girl.”

not even a full hour after everyone left did i start taking down my christmas decor. not because i was sick of it, but because the post christmas depression is too real.

Lobsters aren’t fish.

I’d like to know more about the welding school gap year.

When the literal sound of unclean audio is best explained by the word POP you might need to huddle up and run it again, stupid.

I had a dream last night that I met Sylvester Stallone and his wife. His hair was kinda blonde, which was surprising, but all I wanted to do is tell him how big a fan Kirk Minihane was of his and how the Rocky movies were some of his favorite movies (as if that was some big revelation). He was a great guy (duh!) and I was about to take a photo with him so I could share with you all on X, but then I woke up damnit. I swear I didn’t even take a gummy before bed. But alas, here’s to a very Merry Christmas to Sly and Kirk as well!

The name “Bregman” means a person who lives near a river or stream. So I’m sure the Charles would work in his favor.

Fun Fact: Bruins defenseman “Terrible” Ted Green set NHL penalty record of 3 minors, 2 majors & 2 game misconducts in a game against NY Rangers in NY’s Madison Square Garden on this day in 1968.

Have you ever met anyone that watches Charlie Moore?

I get all the rapes and pedophilia at Happy Valley, but what an atmosphere going on there during the college football playoffs.

Every time I read Shalise Manza Young’s name I hear Jose Feliciano saying it to the tune of Feliz Navidad:

Shalise Manza Young,
Shalise Manza Young.
She’s not with her family
she’s in Foxboro,
watching Patrick Chung.

Shalise Manza Young.
Shalise Manza Young.
Shalise Manza Young
She went into the baño,
Oh, what have they done?

I want to wish you a Merry Christmas,
It’s just a shame when somebody pisses,
On the seat where the chica sits-es,
And then the crust from the Pizza Huuuuut!

Walker Buehler feels like an excellent addition for the Boston Red Sox. I hope their new starters from Vanderbilt (Buehler) & Tennessee (Garrett Crochet) can get along in Boston.

Tony Brothers looks like someone tried to Grok “Black Pete Abraham.”

Had a Buffalo Chicken Wrap for lunch, could have used more blue cheese tho.

Honk if you remember the last time there was a White Christmas.

Six-time NBA All-Star Jimmy Butler prefers a trade out of Miami ahead of the Feb. 6 deadline according to league sources.

19 pitchers in baseball history have finished the season with exactly 10 wins and 18 losses. The first pitcher ever to do that was Ned Garvin, with the Cubs in 1900. The last pitcher to do it was Jerry Garvin, with the Blue Jays in 1977.

Beyoncé should have had to rope a calf.

I swear a lot of American pro sports teams have teenagers running their social media accounts.

Travis Kelce sounds like he’s trying to make up for Mahomes’ lack of blackness.

Best bet for the weekend: white boy Ladd McConkey.

*Did Mina ask to be dressed like an anime villain? If so: nailed it.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I’m your dream, make you real.

*And a happy Boxing Day birthday to English singer Jade Thirlwall, formerly of Little Mix, which could be a band, or a village.*

12/11/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on December 11, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Mark Dondero will be visited by three spirits on Christmas. It will be his highest-rated show ever.

I was told Adam Hart’s relevance wasn’t tied to Belichick.

So I guess it would be fair to suggest that Foxboro and Mansfield left it all on Martinelli Field on Turkey Day? Still, congrats to our lone champion, North Attleboro, but also thanks to Mansfield, Foxboro and King Philip for their outstanding seasons. On to courts and rinks.

Drew Carter actively tried to get Scalabrine fired by asking him why Jay Huff is sneaky athletic.

The performative outrage about Aroldis Chapman didn’t last very long.

Pam Oliver looks like Roscoe Lee Brown with a weave.

Bruins done got Winnipegged.

I still think Dartmouth and not University Park when I hear ‘SMU.’

The Parkers giving their kid a zeppelin for Christmas of ‘40 is kinda problematic. Was the Old Man a Lindbergh guy?

Bet Bryan wishes he just admitted to being Jake.

Cakes are cooking for Rita Moreno, David Gates, Donna Mills, John Kerry, Brenda Lee, Lynda Day George, Brad Bryant, Jermaine Jackson, Stu Jackson (no relation), Mike Mesaros, Nikki Sixx, Lisa Gastineau, Mary Beth Zimmerman, Darryl Jones, Mike Henneman, Ben Browder, Cosy Sheridan, Dave Gagner, Dave Schools, Justin Currie, Thomas Howard, Jay Bell, Martin Blunt, DJ Yella, Mo’Nique, Sean Grande, Errict Rhett, Willie McGinest, Daniel Alfredsson, Mos Def, Rey Mysterio, Gerben de Knegt, Rider Strong, Zacky Vengance, Samantha Ponder, and Malcolm Brogdon.

I’m hearing that The Civ Report is doing Girl at the Game type numbers!

No buzz in here about the MLB draft lottery??

Being from Roslindale and ending up in Randolph is like being born on 2nd base and ending up on 1st.

The Hawk Tuah Girl’s cybercurrency thing wasn’t called, ‘SpitCoin?’ No wonder it crashed.

Orange Line: Delays of about 10 minutes due to a signal problem near Wellington.

What a collection of talent we have. We’re the fucking LA Dodgers of trolls, except all the money is deferred forever.

When an official gets hurt, I think the broadcast referee expert should suit up and take his spot.

Still not sure I can trust a guy named Ollie.

Hey gang of talentless journeymen, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “”I’m on my fourth team in five years. I think I know a little something about how the NFL works, Troy.”

Dart Adams? Still boring.

My current belief is that Gemini sometimes runs real simulations, but sometimes reports the results of hallucinated simulations. Which is obviously a problem.

I just found a bargain on a Canucks shirt on Fanatics.

Accidentally made my nephew cry by telling him I saw the elf on the shelf drinking from the toilet.

No better place to rehab your damaged image from racist emails than with Barstool.

I saw Wicked and that shit bangs so hard. It fucking rocks.

Yeah, we hate our lives, not the twin slobs who mainline 14 hours of sports radio a day.

Stockton got smoked.

A yellow ESPN alert on the ticker during a football game will never not fool me that there’s a flag.

In the future, everyone will rug a memecoin for fifteen minutes.

Azzez Al-Shaair hit Trevor Lawrence like, I don’t know, a plane hitting some sort of tall building.

Seriously, though, when is the award-winning Kendra Middleton on the radio?

Rockin’ around the Christmas tree at the Christmas party hop.
Mistletoe hung where you can see every couple tries to stop.
Rockin’ around the Christmas tree, let the Christmas spirit ring.
Later, we’ll have some pumpkin pie, and we’ll do some caroling.

You will get a sentimental feelin’
When you hear.
Voices singin’, “Let’s be jolly (ooh)
Deck the halls with boughs of holly.”

Rockin’ around the Christmas tree, have a happy holiday.
Everyone dancin’ merrily in the new old-fashioned way.

For 2025, Wilyer Abreu vs. Teoscar H is kind of a 50/50 proposition. Over the next 3 years, Wilyer will have twice as much value as Teoscar. Over 5 years, three times as much.

As a bit of a fragrance expert (I am a collector) I will be testing this Trump perfume out and reviewing it.

You can have your Dame Time. I’ll take my Holiday Time.

Sources: The New England Revolution are set to name Gillette as their new jersey sponsor. This deal has been in the works for some time.

Honk if you remember the JFK Lufthansa Heist.

Time for another December of ‘who the fuck are these people that sent us a Christmas card?’

You took what’s yours, Shawsheen Tech Rams.

Everything that you are involved in, please do the research and learn to educate yourself.

‘Chuck Terrific’ is the name DJ Bean uses at the glory holes.

Remember if you see standing water on the road you can probably get through it – it’s probably not as deep as you think.

Commissioner Silver’s performance as Nosferatu is Oscar-worthy.

I can’t believe that WEEI interviewed a guy who spent a month on the Patriots in 2005 as a Belichick expert. Well, I guess I can.

All the fanciest domiciles have “unit” in the address.

I have a Chinese symbol for the word foot tattooed on my foot.

Larry Fitz Senior is the black Curt Schilling.

Best bet for the weekend: the Kansas City Chiefs win by two scores for a change.

*“I asked Coach Tomlin if he expects Russell Wilson to return. He said, ‘most likely’, then blinked a lot. Back to you guys.”*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Red Six, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Just to win the love of a girl like you.

*And happy birthday to actress-singer Hailee Steinfeld.*

11/27/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on November 27, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Jaylen is so ripped watching him guard fatty Harden makes it look like he’s guarding Shukri Wright.

The Red Sox were in on Snell. Okay.

If you were one of those folks who took it upon themselves to put a bunch of campaign signs all over the place, I genuinely appreciate your dedication to democracy, no matter whom you backed. But it’s been a week. Go clean up your deal.

If Bill was still working for the Krafts there’s no way he’d be allowed to print in color.

Good showing, RIFC. Get ’em next time.

He’s actually a great guy, great dad, great coach. I’ve watched him break up potential fights before they happened. So instead of 2 dads spend the weekend in prison, Greg controlled the situation. He is a very nice man and a pillar of the community, he volunteers his time.

When my mom knows the Patriots’ personnel better than the offensive coordinator something is very wrong (Granted, she’s also a diehard who rocks a Hannah jersey, but still…)

You can tell that Civian hates all the unwanted attention she gets, because she continually seeks the unwanted attention.

Cakes are cooking for Kathryn Bigelow, Curtis Armstrong, Bill Nye*, William Fichtner, Caroline Kennedy, Mike Scioscia, Steve Oedekerk, Charlie Benante, Mike Bordin, Fisher Stevens, Robin Givens, Fiachna O’Braonáin, Garry Valk, Nick Van Exel, Jon Runyan, Martin Gramatica, Chad Kilger, Jaleel White, Jimmy Rollins, Ricky Carmichael, Alison Pill, Lashana Lynch, and Omar Jimenez.

Yams and sweet potatoes are interchangeable and don’t let anybody tell you different.

Right-hand catching goalies always look like they’re playing with borrowed equipment haha. But Askarov having nice debut for SJ.

Did you see Football Cat’s Picks? Well why not?

I know this is simple math, but doesn’t Hardy-Weinberg equilibrium follow from expansion of the generating function (p*x + q*y)^2? Allele frequency remaining constant follows from renormalization, as expected number of x alleles is 2p and y alleles is 2q.

If you consider the old Browns and the Ravens to be the same franchise, then all 32 NFL franchises have spent at least one week in last place of DVOA since 1979.

Blue Line Update: Normal service has resumed between Wonderland and Orient Heights.

Is Sacco up to the awesome responsibility of coaching the Centennial Game?

Kadlick/Kyles is the new Paxton/Pullman.

Is Frosty Bias on Bluesky? I need assurances that I’ll be reminded daily that Reggie Lewis and Len Bias are dead.

Hey gang of amphibious Spaniards! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I would tongue that ass til I tasted Fall River.”

I am not a Christmas girlie, but having siblings with kids makes it way more fun.

News Item: Bertucci’s is debuting a brand new concept, and its first location will be in Boston.

How am I the least chill guy on Twitter?!

Man, it seems like the Lions and the Cowboys play EVERY Thanksgiving!

After all the jacks are in their boxes
And the clowns have all gone to bed
You can hear happiness
Staggering on down the street
Footprints dressed in red
And the wind whispers
“Mary.”

All the suckers getting to the airport early means you can get there 55 minutes before your flight leaves.

Honk if you think Ted Williams should have won the 1941and 1947 AL MVP Award.

Sam Kennedy would like you to know that the Sox are just so darn disappointed Snell decided to go with another offer but that coming this spring to America’s favorite ballpark you can get a Guy Fieri smash burger and a cup of New England’s favorite Legal Seafood chowder for only $89!

ESPN putting out playoff rankings every week that are 100% meaningless and using that as an excuse to do a segment where Paul Finebaum yells about it is terrorism.

Does the Herald still run ‘Clip’ Callahan’s HS football article every Thanksgiving?

Bit of a stumble out of the gates for UConn MBB.

Is Bill James okay?

Breaking: Daniel Jones to sign with Vikings’ practice squad after release from Giants, per sources.

Best bet for the weekend: Open Newbury: Holiday Stroll! Join us for car-free shopping and holiday fun on Sunday, December 1, and Sunday, December 8. Fun!

Anyone who false starts is *a Patriots offensive lineman. Anyone that commits holding is a well-disciplined Patriots offensive lineman.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, BSMW‘s Lazslo Panaflex, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. You want it all, but you can’t have it (yeah, yeah, yeah) It’s in your face, but you can’t grab it (yeah, yeah, yeah)

*Jeanne Crane and friend wish you a Happy Thanksgiving.*

11/7/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on November 7, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*Good for Mookie. Bad for Red Sox Ownership.*

Well, Suzyn, um, in life…

No way that wasn’t an illegal screen no matter what Marc Davis and whatever Knicks or Nets fans were reviewing the play from New York thought. Shameful.

The game was over as soon as the Dodgers tied it with that five-run outburst. Falling behind for a few minutes was just a minor bump in the road. Some of you know nothing about momentum and body language and it shows

Halloween happens every time The NY Jets play.

The Pivetta qualifying offer makes perfect sense. On Bizarro World!

Lamelo Ball looks like emo John Oates.

Cakes are cooking for Johnny Rivers, Joni Mitchell, Alex Ribeiro, David Petraeus, Christopher Knight, Liam Ó Maonlaí, Calvin Borel, Andre Hastings, Emily Lesueur, Dan Houser, Yunjin Kim, Kris Benson, Tarek Salah, Marcus Luttrell, Mark Philippoussis, Mike Commodore, Will Demps, Adam Devine, Elsa Hosk, Courtney Marie Andrews, and Lorde.

The only reason Gabrielle Starr wanted to get to the press box was so she could literally look down on people instead of just figuratively.

I’m gonna glaze Wemby when he’s playing like this in May Not October.

Alley-oops from the floor? Ok, Ja! Ok!

Hey Gang of immortals, this Week’s phrase That pays is, “Sal, It’s a sports Bonanza.”

Red Line Reminder: November 5-10 Shuttle buses replace service between Broadway & North Quincy for track work. Commuter Rail will be fare-free between South Station & Braintree.

I’m sorry. . .who exactly has been disrespecting Tom Brady?

Absolutely stacked country new music friday last wk.

Ordway’s way of saying stuff like he’s smart but being a gigantic dummy is infuriating.

Paul Pierce’s wheelchair thought Mahomes needing two people to help him off the field was ridiculous.

I was seriously considering Switching to Rich. Alas.

Drake Maye is tall. Got a big arm.

News Item: Australian breakdancer Raygun announces retirement following viral performance at Paris Olympics.

The Bruins aren’t a .500 team.

Oh sure. Like Jason Kelce never called Travis a faggot.

She had hair like Jeannie Shrimpton back in 1965.
She had legs that never ended,
I was halfway paralyzed.
She was tall and cool and pretty, and she dressed as black as coal.
If she asked me to, I’d murder, I would gladly lose my soul.

Now I lie in bed and think of her.
Sometimes I even weep.
Then I dream of her behind the wall of sleep.

Gerrit Cole is the mentally weakest ‘Ace’ since Roger Clemens.

I like Twitter because it combines my two favorite forms of communication: texting, and throwing a note in a bottle out into the sea.

Honk if you remember Jeanne Zelasko.

Michael Hurley looks like a Rob Ninkovich you bought off Temu.

Run, Bobby Dalbec! Be free!

Florida has announced that it won’t be making a head coaching change and is sticking with Billy Napier.

Bucs, you should have gone for two.

I bet they’re really going to boo the next time the Warriors play in Boston.

Best bet for the weekend: Hunter Henry being dependable.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Emo Phillips, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. The dark side’s coming now, nothing is real. She’ll never know just how I feel.

*And happy birthday to the first supermodel, England’s Own Jean Shrimpton. Here seen in a 1965 photo.*

*My colonoscopy you ask? It went fine. As healthy and pink as Kevin ‘The Hammer’ McNamee!*

10/30/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on October 30, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Monday was really more a Sports Syzygy than a Sports Equinox. IMO.

Guys, here’s some inside info, Patriots media has been getting pizza for decades. Usually on Wednesdays. Only in season.

That Freeman cat has to be the odds-on favorite to win World Series MVP.

No pressure Bruins, but there are hundreds of young ladies on social media who have tied their mental well-being to your win/loss record.

I just read Taylor Mathis for the articles.

I’m not sure it’s fair or ethical for Shams to use his contacts in the ISI to break NBA news.

Imagine running someone over and getting to grift via Vanity Fair. White bitches have the easiest life.

Cakes are cooking for Grace Slick, Otis Williams, Henry Winkler, Timothy B. Schmit, Harry Hamlin, Charles Martin Smith, Mario Testino, Shanna Reed, Kevin Pollak, Danny Tartabull, Mark Portugal, Michael Beach, Gavin Rossdale, Quin Snyder, TY Detmer, Masanori Hikichi, Snow, Ben Bailey, Dino Philyaw, James Pedro, Nia Long, Patrice Tardif, Ian Snell, Ivanka Trump, Trent Edwards, Thomas Morgenstern, Ashley Graham, Nastia Liukin, Marcus Mariota, and Cale Makar.

Headline: Cryptobros Con Curvaceous Clod

Mel Brooks is going to outlive everyone who was in his movies.

I think if they give Aaron Boone a few more years he’ll finally figure it out.

Did you guys hear Pritchard played pick up with some random kid?

The WNBA going to a seven game finals next season really opens up the field for some devastating knee injuries.

Red Line Update: This delay has cleared.

A player who drives in 100 runs in a season will drive in runs in 60-61 separate games, on average. On the other hand, a player who scores 100 runs in a season will score a run in about 75 games, on average.

I really don’t know what I’d do without Doughboy being open 24 hours. We must protect that establishment at all costs.

Taylor Mathis went full Allbright.

Hey gang of malignant narcissists! This week Phrase that Pay is, “Do our WORD mean anything anymore?”

Just had an EPIC 30 minute ride with my son. Nice back and forth. He started with someone named Playboy Carti(not a fan). I countered w/Biggy. He went Lil Uzi (a fan), I went Tu PAC. He came back with Future(a fan). I closed him out with Ice Cube.

Rumor: Jerod Mayo is being brought on as Kirk Minihane’s new producer.

After Henson replaced him against Notre Dame, Tom put the lyrics to Crash Into Me in his AOL away message.

I hate gay halloween what do you mean you’re a complete piece of shit?!?

Cashman having the job for life is kinda wild. I mean I would have been fine letting Bill have it for life, but how do the Yankees keep a GM that hasn’t won in 15 years?

Tony Brothers should never officiate another game ever again.

I bet I would be the best-looking dude at my high school reunion if they had bothered to invite me to it which they did not.

Where are all the Ted Sarandis voters, caller?

Am I the only person who likes Rockstar’s game design, even if it is outdated? I play Rockstar games for their specific experience, which no other developer does for me. GTA. Bully. Red Dead. You play them for the Rockstar experience.

I miss Taylor’s terrible gambling advice. And her boobs.

Look at us baby, up all night.
Tearing our love apart.
Aren’t we the same two people
Who lived through years in the dark?

Every time I try to walk away.
Something makes me turn around and stay.
And I can’t tell you why.

All the best criminals hire professionals to dispose of evidence 18 months after the crime in full view of the public.

Fun Fact: the world population reached three billion in 1960.

No, because it’s a random Tuesday night and I’m sobbing thinking about how the Celtics arguably needed to trade Marcus Smart to ultimately go on and win the Championship, but it just seems so unfair he couldn’t be there to win one with them.

The vampire bat has a scary name but does much good, eating up to twice its weight in vampires every year.

Dudes don’t have birthday weeks.

Do you think someone could solve the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum heist if they increased the reward money to, say, fifty times the current amount?

Honk if you remember The Rumble in the Jungle.

News Item: Red Sox hiring Rays director of predictive modeling Taylor Smith to a high-ranking front office role, likely as an assistant GM. Gas up the duckboats, boys!

Bert Breer thinks I’m using ‘I’ and ‘me’ too much this column.

Please get up, Taylor Hendricks.

Every Yankee fan looks like the third drawing in the ‘evolution of man’ procession.

Was someone clamoring for a Gladiator sequel?

Best bet for the weekend: you gaining an hour of sleep.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Emo Phillips, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Don’t you want somebody to love? Don’t you need somebody to love? Wouldn’t you love somebody to love? You better find somebody to love.

*And happy birthday to French actress and model Clémence Poésy.*

10/16/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on October 16, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

The Greatest 20 Point Loss in Team History.

In the event of a Subway Series, will the New York celebrities get assigned a rooting interest at random?

The Celtics are the top team in town…until something changes.

“It’s October! It’s costume month!” – Broads. Probably.

Being a Patriots captain is like being the drummer for Spinal Tap.

‘Look What You Made Me Do’ after a Celtics win hits hard. The most disrespected Champions of all time are on a mission this year. I can’t wait.

Bruins: 41-41 here we come?

I know I’m in the super minority, but AVP had a good day Sunday- and while the discord today is typical, it’s also frivolous.

Cakes are cooking for Bob Weir, David Zucker, Falcão, Sue Pedersen, Tony Carey, Melissa Belote, Roger Phegley, Tim Robbins, Gary Kemp, Bob Mould, Val Skinner, Billy Taylor, Durga McBroom, Flea, Missy Hyatt, German Titov, Tom Tolbert, Joe Murphy, Wendy Wilson, Chad Grey, Darius Kasparaitis, Jermaine Lewis, Paul Kariya, Kellie Martin, John Mayer, Mary Halvorson, Sue Bird, Bryce Harper, and Naomi Osaka.

A nice tribute to Johnny and the other one by the Blue Jackets.

Brian Burns is showing why the Rams were willing to give up two first-round picks for him a few years ago. A massive talent.

Imagine if you had an ambidextrous schizophrenic pitcher? It would be like having two players for the price of one.

Why did I even buy a motorcycle off Temu?

The worst Boston free-agent walk-away since Carlton Fisk? Dave Goucher.

The advertising budgets for some of these Big Pharma psychosomatic drug commercials is outrageous.

Get your plants and veggies in before Thursday.

Do the Jaguars have a deeply discounted season ticket program for pretend bisexuals?

Hey Six Sigma gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “People who try & place catchy names on any process show they really aren’t doing shit.”

Orange Line Reminder: Service has resumed between North Station and Back Bay. Shuttle Buses will operate between Back Bay and Forest Hills through Oct 20. Commuter Rail alternates are available.

It will never not be funny to me that my phone autocorrects Brissett to brisket, no matter how many times I type it. #lol

My toxic trait is that I keep sleeping with my window open because I love the cold but get mad when I wake up with my sinuses in absolute shambles.

You can see the mornin’, but I can see the light
Try, try, try, let it ride
While you’ve been out runnin’, I’ve been waitin’ half the night
Try, try, try, let it ride

And would you cry if I told you that I lied
And would you say goodbye, or would you let it ride?
And would you cry if I told you that I lied
And would you say goodbye, or would you let it ride?

Joe Murray runs his own show but has to do his own headlines too. That’s hardcore, man. Props to you brother.

Ethel is such a hot name.

“Three Kings” ran in one big theater. We had a one-night premiere screening of “Drive Me Crazy”. I was in HELL that night. We had “American Beauty” in one theater, “Random Hearts” in one theater & opened “Fight Club” in one of our big theaters. We had to swap “Random Hearts.”

The Texans could have showed up wearing their lettermen jackets and still won.

They’re not even gonna try to fix the Trop with clear plastic sheeting and a whole mess of Flex Seal?

Honk if you remember Baby Jessica.

SF49’ers sign a kicker who could play against the Chiefs on Sunday after his missed playoff kick in January was a reason they played the Chiefs in Super Bowl LVIII.

A Hockey Club sandwich would hit the spot right now.

Peter King says Lamar Jackson calls him “Mr. Peter”. I don’t think that’s the token of respect Fatty thinks it is.

Bruins fandom needs more Laurens.

It would be fun if, when a baseball team fires six coaches, they would be required to file a five-page report on each firing, explaining in detail what it was that that coach did wrong.

If you aren’t sure what a phrase means, maybe hold off on using it.

Best bet for the weekend: Pats depart Wembley as winners.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Takitaki!

*BdlG. So Fall-coded. She had a birthday this week too. Or will have one. So mysterious!*

9/25/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on September 23, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Any time you can needlessly accelerate your coaching succession plan by two years you have to do it.

The best NFL broadcasts come from the website where I buy $3 knockoff USB chargers that may or may not catch fire.

Anyone who used “Woj Bomb” unironically is an asshole.

I’ve thought about starting my day watching the Vince McMahon documentary. But not sure I have it in me this early.

It’s not a rivalry if the same side keeps winning!.

Is it me or is there a ton of injuries already this NFL season?

Major Red Sox uniform news: The Red Sox will unveil a City Connect 2.0 uniform in 2025 and will no longer wear their blue alternate jerseys. Given the popularity of the yellow uniforms, they have elected to keep it as a core uniform offering for the foreseeable future.

Cakes are cooking for Michael Douglas, Gil Morgan, Cheryl Tiegs, Anson Williams, Pedro Almodovar, Burleigh Drummond, Mark Hamill, Bob McAdoo, Jimmy Garvin, Jamie Hyneman, Michael Madsen, Scottie Pippen, Will Smith, Catherine Zeta-Jones, David Weathers, Dean Ween, Doug Pelfrey, John Lynch, Bridgette Wilson, Matt Hasselbeck, Chauncey Billups, Rocco Baldelli, Jason Bergmann, Van Hansis, and Cade Cunningham.

What does it say about Emerald Square that a herd of bulls at a carnival there couldn’t get out of the place fast enough?

‘Mirror in the Slideshow ‘ sounds like a Taylor Swift album title.

Tatum gets shit on for everything he does but tattooing a picture of yourself onto your back is wild.

One cheer for the 2024 Red Sox for refusing to quit now despite having previously quit a whole bunch of times.

On Saturday, September 28 only, Red Line Braintree Branch diversion will be expanded to include Ashmont Branch. This allows crews to take advantage of construction equipment in the area to remove a speed restriction on Ashmont Branch.

Should I invest in one entity that historically has never lost money or should I invest in the other entity that has rehab programs akin to alcoholism and drug abuse?

Looks like Mercury Morris’s perfect record of being alive is finally over.

Local 26 Hotel Workers putting on a good display outside the Omni Hotel the last couple days. They’ve had people holding the line overnight. Love a good picket line.

Oh no, Old Friend Trent Brown strained his left fat.

Minority position, I know, but Tanner Houck needs a pitch count like a turtle needs a microphone. In the last two years he has been taken out of countless games when he was pitching great. What he needs is a manager who will tell him “Keep pitching; you’re doing great.”

I’m sorry, Jey Uso is popular, but he isn’t Jeff Hardy popular.

“Wheel of Fortune” puzzles went from ‘Alice In Wonderland’ to ‘Say homes, how’s it hangin’, bruh?’.

You’re right, Bill Belichick sucks. Let the fat fucking deli loser handle things.

Bulletin, Bulletin, Bulletin!!! The semi-functional Shohei Ohtani is piling on. He now is 6/6 with 3 HR, 2 SB and 10 RBI.
We’re not worthy.

Hey gang of the marginally employed, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, ‘Settle down, you fat retard, and go get Adam Jones his Ensure.”

I’m following Depeche Mode on Twittah. Not sure when that happened.

Darnold appears to have escaped an initial injury scare. Massive collective sigh of relief from the 612.

Reiss is only 5’2″–are we sure he can carry that much water?

Fun fact: Today has exactly 12 hours of daylight.

Make a wish baby
Well and I will make it come true
Make a list baby
Of the things I’ll do for you
Ain’t no risk now
In lettin’ my love rain down on you
So we could wash away the past
So that we may start anew…

O’Brien and Youk talking endlessly about hot dogs? Make it stop.

Jrue might also have a tattoo of himself on his back. But how would we know?

Honk if you remember Miss Jean.

Dickie V has so much radiation in him they should call him Chernobyl.

Those Emerald Square bulls were five years too late to ransack the Skycrepers kitchen.

THE BUTCHIE isn’t real and cannot hurt you.

Have we lost perspective on what torn cartilage in your rib cage must feel like?

With the loss of the Athletics, there will be even less there there in Oakland as there was previous.

News Item: Brad Marchand has shed his red noncontact jersey for Bruins practice.

The Padres are the first team in MLB history to turn a triple play to end a game on the day they clinched a postseason berth. Only in baseball, Danny.

Rescue: Hi Surf cancelled yet?

Best bet for the weekend: Red Sox do not win eight in a row and get right back in it.

“So, uh, how bout those bulls in ah, North Attleboro? Didja see that? That chain link fence was more porous, no, er, it was less effective in stopping, erk, them than the Patriots O-Line! Ha. Speaking of steers, try the teriyaki beef skewers. My son is a Marine.“

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Pick Up The Pieces.

*And a happy Birthday to actress Heather Locklear.*

9/18/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on September 18, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

So there. For the 5th consecutive autumn, the Red Sox are not going to win the World Series.

Keith Smith; your time is now.

Jay Glazer dresses like a coke dealer in Munchkinland.

Sway my way, don’t come undone.

Congratulations Joe Castiglione on having an impact on Don Orsillo’s incredible career.

The player who seemingly concussed Tua Tagovailoa was Bills safety Damar Hamlin, who ironically died but was brought back to life on a football field two years ago.

Owen Pence is absolutely right. Why hasn’t the WNBA commissioner cured online racism yet?

Mike Reiss’ act was out of fear of Bill. That’s all.

Cakes are cooking for Scotty Bowman, Frankie Avalon, Alex Stepney, Otis Sistrunk, Ken Brett, Kerry Livgren, Darryl Sittler, Rick Pitino, Billy Sims, Peter Stastny, Ryne Sandberg, Martin Beedle, Ricky Bell, Toni Kukoč, Aisha Tyler, Jada Pinkett Smith, Lance Armstrong, Xzibit, Jason Sudeikis, Ronaldo, Alison Lohman, and Annette Obrestad.

Boston Globe Pitchbot makes Civil War Andrew Luck look like Richard Pryor.

Was Assistant Wide Receivers Coach Tiquan Underwood okay with waiving practice squadder Jalen Reagor?

OTOH, Wojnarowski was a sketchy, sniveling horse trader. Good riddance.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “At least be good looking if you are going to be so awful.”

Paying $13.50 for terrible sports-writing is what TRUE masculinity looks like.

Have never been the biggest Dwight Howard fan, but you cannot deny how impressive he was tonight on “Dancing With The Stars.”

Orange Line Update: Delays of about 20 minutes due to a signal problem near Wellington. Trains may stand by at stations.

I think the Mike Reiss thing has to do with Patricia. He got really animated when they played a clip of Bill on Brady’s podcast claiming Patricia laid the foundation for the Lions o-line. That then led into Reiss’s need for an apology about the offense the past 2 seasons. These media slobs really hate Patricia. I think the fact that the scribes see Bill “bad mouthing” people now and they are desperate for him to turn on Patricia – which will never happen. It’s all sour grapes and bunched panties.

What I’m going to miss most about Woj is ruining draft picks by tweeting them 5 minutes before they announce them on TV.

Nice work, Team USA winning the Solheim Cup.

Is there a functional mechanism by which MLB could force the White Sox owner to sell the team?

Nothing says the end of summer like a $7 pint of blueberries.

Dive into the technology behind modern stand collar sweatshirts. Learn about advanced fabrics that offer moisture-wicking, breathability, and thermal insulation.

Sources: Patriots are ruling LB Oshane Ximines, OG Sidy Sow, OT Vederian Lowe, and LB Ja’Whaun Bentley OUT for TNF. They will not travel to East Rutherford for the Jets game. In addition, C David Andrews, OT Mike Onwenu, S Jabrill Peppers, and DE Deatrich Wise are being ruled QUESTIONABLE.

Wyc Grousbeck is the definition of what a team owner should be and how they should operate.

Mike McDaniel makes Deuce Tatum look like Bill Duke.

I may not be what the kids refer to as a, “gamer”. But I can still bear Super Mario World for SNES quickly without dying once. And I can beat Mike Tyson’s Punch Out for NES without being KO’d a single time. Take that, young dweebs.

So, Honeycomb, won’t you be my baby?
Well, Honeycomb, be my own.
Got a hank o’ hair and a piece of’ bone.
They made a walkin’, talkin’ Honeycomb.
Well, Honeycomb, won’t you be my baby?
Well, Honeycomb, be my own.
What a darn good life when you got a wife
Like Honeycomb.

There won’t be another Woj. The sports industry has adapted to his presence in mere hopes of making more like him, but he’s the GOAT.

Hockey is right around the corner. Sara Civian remains a free agent.

Chappell Roan tells The Face that she has tried the Hailey Bieber Erewhon smoothie.

Sugar Frosted Chocolate Bombs >>> “CoCoBombs”

Honk if you remember John Garabedian.

Mike McDaniel is gonna dress more and more like a Serbian gangster until this thing gets turned around.

The level of narcissism exhibited by Elle Duncan should require hospitalization.

With this release of Thompkins, it clear to me The Patriots are set to move on from Brady.

I’m putting glitter on a pumpkin. Sorry, loser.

The WNBA is headed back to Portland, with Oregon’s biggest city getting an expansion team that will begin play starting in 2026.

I say this every year, but the first few weeks of the NFL are always a dumpster fire. Ugh.

Best bet for the weekend: Don Sweeney dispatching scouts to the Orient to look into sumo wrestlers as a Plan C.

I’ll tell you what the only thing faster than ‘Mondre out there today were those fighter planes! Hahahaha did you see those? Wow. Anyway I want to be truthfully honest with you all right now. All 29 coaches and Robyn will be joining a Teams meeting at 9 AM sharp to discuss Jacoby. How does that man feel? A 27-step drop back and a 13 yard sack? The man needs to be lifted up. And we will be doing that. Anyway there are Crumbl cookies and Hoodsie cups in the back for you all! Much love.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. It must have been something you said.