Tag Archives: NHL

10/29/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

An Instant Classic World Series?

The first thing I’d ask if I were at a crooked poker game is, ‘Does the table always hum like that?’

Once again, the local media contingent is the last to know breaking Patriots news.

I thought we had so many years left with Beef. His absence leaves a void that can only be filled with fatter, more hilariously named men.

You know it could be a good day when one of the first things you hear is Screamin’ Jay Hawkins singing “I Put A Spell On You.”

Does Eliot Wolf fancy himself as some kind of 6th round draft savant?

The Bruins appear to be bipolar. Unfortunately.

That stuff that Chauncey Billups and Damon Jones are accused of is legitimately the type of stuff that gets people taken out. No exaggeration.

Cakes are cooking for Ralph Bakshi, Claude Brochu, Robbie van Leeuwen, Richard Dreyfuss, Kate Jackson, Guy Gelso, Denis Potvin, Lee Child, Roger O’Donnell, Dan Castellaneta, Jesse Barfield, Mike Gartner, Michael Carter, Randy Jackson, Yasmin Le Bon, Peter Timmons, Joely Fisher, Rufus Sewell, Peter Breen, Marquez Pope, Gabrielle Union, Tracee Ellis Ross, Michael Shur, Ben Foster, Amanda Beard, Maurice Clarett, Chris Baio, Eric Staal, Gio Benitez, Andy Dalton, and Evan Fournier.

Sarge, that picture should be titled ‘Beefcake Heaven’ or the ‘Studs on Causeway.’

It’s always best to point shave in game 7 of the ECF, a game nobody pays attention to.

Orange Line Update: Please continue to expect delays of about 10 minutes while signal personnel work to overcome a switch problem at Oak Grove.

Does Hogdale become the new Barstool Beef automatically, or is a vote needed?

I’m just gonna go ahead and say it: I love rugby style punters.

Hey gang of fun-haters, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “One-day contracts are stupid.”

Never thought I’d be looking at the NBA Tankathon page again so soon but here we are.

Brian Kelly. Free to pursue other opportunities.

I never understood how an inverted W isn’t just an M.

Pablo Torre’s working on Jordon Hudson’s connection to this NBA gambling scandal.

Coach Vrabes is whacking people with connections to the Lombardi crime family.

Isn’t Dybantsa the drug that treats POTS?

There are survivalist ham radio operators with better Arbitron ratings than WEEI’s lineup.

I am physically incapable of not saying Quinshon Judkins without using the same cadence as ‘Leroy Jenkins.’

Climate change stops when we harness the power of pregame show fake laughs for clean energy.

In Deliver Me from Nowhere, Bruce Springsteen says his favorite hotdog condiment is mustard but in real life, Bruce Springsteen hates mustard so much he did a whole yap about it during a show. How the hell did E Street Ombudsman Gary W. Tallent let this happen?

Working on a fun story tonight where I get to combine two passions: special teams and apple cider doughnuts.

We’ve reached the point where it’s no longer Hazel may … it’s Hazel does.

Today I learned that primer is pronounced, ‘primmer’ when used as a preview of something. I have been mispronouncing that for 46 years.

It’s like those veteran suicide awareness commercials, but instead of some jarhead, they send in Bill Burt and “Hardy.”

Barstool Tofu is still alive and well.

Robert Saleh’s defense loves undersized interior penetrators.

I put a spell on you
Because you’re mine
Stop the things you tell
Watch out, I ain’t lyin’.

Yeah, I can’t stand it
No runnin’ around
I can’t stand it
No, put me down.

I put a spell on you
Because you’re mine, oh yeah
Stop the things you do
Watch out, I ain’t lyin’.

Pets are the best so you just have to give them the best life possible while you can and let them live forever in your memories.

Fun Fact: Point shaving in the WNBA is called point waxing.

Pats should sign Jerod Mayo to a one-day contract and immediately cut him.

Honk if you remember the F/V Andrea Gail.

Or maybe Barstool is like Al-Qaeda: One leader dies, they’re automatically replaced. Seamless transition.

TreyVeyon got his touches! Now what to complain about?

If Hogdale is streaming to ten people during a normal game, I wonder what was happening in the 18th inning the other night.

Another reminder MLB should have emergency backup pitchers in the stands. EBUPs.

I can’t remember a Sunday night when I didn’t think Cris Collinsworth is an asshole. Last Sunday was not one of them.

Sad about Logan Mankins. Maybe Speros stole his donor kidney?

Why on Earth is Marlins Man still a thing? Go away already. It’s played out.

Best bet for the weekend: zero bags of leftover candy.

Bad start, good finish.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, Old Friends Hacksaw & Yahtzee, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Happy Halloween, ladies. (laughs) Nuns. No sense of humor.

And happy Birthday to actress Winona Ryder, who puts one on a Halloween frame of mind.

09/17/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

It always comes back to baseball, Danny. Robert Redford 1936-2025.

First The Whammer, then Bump Bailey, and now Mr. Roy Hobbs? 2025 is clearing out the cast of The Natural.

I have as many FBS wins as Notre Dame this season and I’m not in the AP Top 25.

Well, to the good, in a couple of weeks Mike McDaniel will be able to use his Breitling watch to tell time.

So the show about the entertainment industry cleaned up at the Emmys? That never happens.

Tom Brady. A 24-year journey from from Mo Lewis to Mo Atta.

After Borregales missed 2 xp’s Patriots fans were ready to check him for disqualifying tattoos.

Too soon to call Carles Gil a coach killer?

Cakes are cooking for Phil Jackson, Fee Waybill, Cassandra Peterson, Rita Rudner, Scott Simpson, John Franco, Steve Clifford, Ty Tabor, Baz Luhrmann, Paul Feig, Bryan Singer, Kyle Chandler, Anastacia, Mark Brunell, David Reid, Rasheed Wallace, Jimmie Johnson, Flo Rida, Danny Haren, Eugenia Volodina, Alex Ovechkin, Mason Raymond, and Patrick Mahomes II.

Pablo Torre may be a strange lil fella who’s more obsessed with Jordon Hudson than Coach Bill himself, but he does seem to have Steve Ballmer dead to rights.

Cool limp, bro.

I hope Mike Reiss is going to demand a personal apology from the nepo GM for drafting Ja’Lynn Polk.

Red Line: Delays of about 15 minutes due to police activity at Harvard.

‘Wake Up Barstool?’ That just makes one think of all the Barstool Rohypnol ‘n Foam parties back in the day.

If the Red Sox lose out they will finish 82-80. They were 81-81 last year.

Stefon Diggs and Cardi will definitely have to play zone and not man with all them kids.

You can say anything you like
But you can’t touch the merchandise
She’ll give you every penny’s worth
But it will cost you a dollar first

You can step outside your little world
(Step outside your world)
You can talk to a pretty girl
She’s everything you dream about…

(But don’t fall in love) She’s a beauty
(She’s one in a million girl) One in a million girl
(Why would I lie?) Why would I lie?

Congratulations to WNBA KIA Most Improved Player Award Winner Veronica Burton.

Another 2004 Red Sox documentary in the offing? Who asked for that?

And that goes double for Nana Gary Myers’ book.

I’m not saying you fiddled with the thermostat, but I didn’t set the heat at 55 degrees and the AC at 80.

Honk if you remember the Montrealer train.

I wonder if Pablo Torre is going to investigate the Saudi Flag Football League.

David Pastrnak will be limited in the first few days for training camp with an undisclosed injury.

Molly Qerim is a free agent.

Best bet for the weekend: Christian Gonzalez’s hamstring keeps him inactive vs Pittsburgh.

Perpetually skeptical as to CLNS. Charlie Kirk 1993-2025

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur, and things of that nature.

And Happy Birthday to British actress Ella Purnell.
I hope Fred isn’t listing his height as 6’1″ on Grindr.

09/03/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Let’s go RED Sox! (weird Tom Werner cadence)

All the cvnts who were performatively rooting for TCU Monday are the same ones who told us they were just being unbiased for years.

“The diamond is loaded” is absolutely a thing that people say.

I already want Tommy DeVito and his greasy butt plug of a manager dead.

All these years Boston sports fans hated Peyton Manning.  Now they love Payton Pritchard and Payton Tolle.  Amazing what swapping out an E for an A will do.

The next Jordon Hudson joke is going to be the funny one; I can feel it.

Brennan Bernardino looks like Noel Gugliemi.

They gave his radio show to a puffy whore. They took away his casino access. They made him angry. And you don’t make Dan Lifshatz angry.

Cakes are cooking for Dick Motta, Al Jardine, Dave Eichelberger, Valerie Perrine, Eric Bell, Don Brewer, Steve Jones, Costas Mandylor, Spike Feresten, Charlie Sheen, Chris Gatling, Luis Gonzalez, Keith Traylor, Martin Straka, Damon Stoudamire, Jevon Kearse, Garrett Hedlund, Shaun White, Dominic Thiem, Kaia Gerber, and Eileen Gu.

Jimmy Bulger would have turned 95 today too, Danny. But as the Bard wrote, “violent delights have violent ends.”

Hey gang of three-color carbonless invoice enthusiasts, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Do you have other plans today, or is that it?”

Old, white guys really love coffee.

The home run leader in the American League and the National League are both from the Cape Cod League. You’re welcome.

Green Line D Branch Reminder: Through September 11 Shuttle buses are replacing service between Kenmore and Riverside for maintenance work. Express shuttles are operating between Newton Highlands and Copley.

You know it’s a big event when Blake Snell shows up.

People from New England that use y’all should be shot in the face.

Someone please give James Gunn a hug and tell him how proud they are about how many obscure comic book characters he knows.

Nobody sweats enough to need 5000+ mgs of sodium a day.

Lays knows how to make potato chips, their Sour Cream & Onion and Barbecue flavors especially.

On May 13, 2004, the Boston Red Sox were blown out 12-6 by the Toronto Blue Jays and got passed for first place in the AL East by the New York Yankees. Roman Anthony was born that day. The rest is history.

I love when people pretend not understand why Irish-American Catholics root for Notre dame. So silly!

My dad is going to hang himself because my mom will watch the auto-previews on Netflix for hours and not pick anything to actually watch.

Good job, rookie Oriental golfer lady.

Noel Gugliemi is an American actor best known for his portrayals of Southern Californian gangsters.

Matt Patricia rolling out an overload sim with Caleb Downs on the line paired with a coffee house stunt the other way. Hooooo boy.

If the Sun moves to Boston, and assuming they adopt the Celtics colors and theme, they should absolutely be renamed the Banshees.

Not Luis Suarez!

Portugal is advancing to the next round of EuroBasket after a thrilling win following Neemias Queta’s ejection.

Roman has a strained oblique? Oh! Bleak!

Ay these edits on Tik Tok these days are on another level ! I don’t know what they are feeding these young hustlers but my goodness! Keep goin crazy!!!

Four young chiquitas in Omaha
A waitin’ for the band to return from the show
Feelin’ good, feelin’ right, it’s Saturday night
The hotel detective, he was outta sight

Now these fine ladies, they had a plan
They was out to meet the boys in the band
They said, “Come on dudes, let’s get it on”
And we proceeded to tear that hotel down.

I really feel like Saturdays are for Dr. Pepper ads and Sundays are for State Farm. Make it happen.

Woah, they released Buehler?

Honk if you remember the longest game in Fenway Park’s history, a 20 inning 8-7 loss to Seattle.

It’s time for Captain’s Skate at WARRIOR ICE ARENA already?

Well actually, Pete Rose is still not in the Baseball Hall of Fame, Mr. President.

Good for you, Jeff Howe. Way to wrest control from that dangerous spiral of six beers a week.

Tommy DeVito…we’re supposed to believe that this is a real person?

SportsChannel and NESN were $20/month on Continental Cablevision in the 80s. I paid for it with my paper route.

Wrexham has a midget.

With whom is Drake Maye getting his revenge? His elementary school teachers?

Kenny Anderson understands brand loyalty!

BC Eagles looking good early.

Best bet for the weekend: win or lose, no Gatorade bath for Coach Vrabes.

You don’t need an official captain to hold a Captains’ Skate.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. We lose 80 minutes of daylight in September.

And happy birthday to statuesque Gold Medal-winning softball pitcher Jennie Finch.

07/30/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

This Dybantsa kid got some ups.

Critical day coming ! Major League Trade Deadline Thursday at 6 pm !!!

The Tanya Ray Fox getting laid off news is great because her entire personality is “I have the job you wish you had.”

Al these celebrity deaths…damn you 2020!

Revs trying to get Matt Turner back? Ivacic is whatever but he’s like the 7th or 8th problem on the team.

Ryne Sandberg. RIP. Only guy to spell Ryan worse than Rusillo.

I hope Brian Scalabrine remembers to mention discovering Cooper Flagg on every NBC Sports & Peacock basketball broadcast.

So the shooter guy, he’s mad about the brain damage, he comes to the city to shoot Goodell, but then he takes an elevator to the wrong floor because of the brain damage. It’s like O Henry wrote a Seinfeld script.

I assume a wig falls of in a WNBA game 3-4 times per game.

Cakes are cooking for Sid Krofft, Bud Selig, Buddy Guy, Paul Anka, Jimmy Cliff, Jeffrey Hammond-Hammond, Arnold Schwarzenegger, William Atherton, Jean Reno, Frank Stallone, Ken Olin, Delta Burke, Bill Cartwright, Clint Hurdle, Kate Bush, Laurence Fishburne, Jay Feaster, Chris Mullin, Lisa Kudrow, Monique Gabrielle, Jürgen Klinsmann, Vivica A. Fox, Terry Crews, Christopher Nolan, Christine Taylor, Tom Green, Hilary Swank, Justin Rose, Hope Solo, Yvonne Strahovski, Kevin Pittsnogle, and Joey King.

Orange Line Reminder: This weekend, August 2 – 3. No Train service between Wellington & Back Bay due to signal work. Use Buses between Wellington & North Station. Use Green Line between North Station & Copley

Little League announcers tend not to harp on errors.

People don’t die in threes—they just get counted off in threes by people who say, “It always happens in threes”.

Lenny DiNardo is the best dressed man in sports analysis.

Bert Bell warned people about CTE back in nineteen dickety-two.

Hey gang, this Week’s Phrase that Pays is, “So she’s a full-on prostitute now, right?”

My poor lawn is the color of a Triscuit.

One of the biggest gambles in life is going to a different barber when yours is on vacation.

My day has been made. Just heard “Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor on the Bedpost Overnight?” on Sirius XM.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

Nothing makes you feel young quite like pregaming in a hotel.

Maybe Tanya Ray thought ‘Mass Layoffs’ meant getting laid off while she was back in Massachusetts?

Honk if you remember Welch’s grape soda.

Driving and listening to the Sox game, and the CSB grad and Flemming refusing to call it Minneapolis or Minnesota but “Minny” almost had me veering into a bridge abutment.

So if Sunday you’re free,
Why don’t you come with me,
And we’ll poison the pigeons in the park.
And maybe we’ll do
In a squirrel or two,
While we’re poisoning pigeons in the park.

We’ll murder them all amid laughter and merriment.
Except for the few we take home to experiment.
My pulse will be quickenin’
With each drop of strychnine
We feed to a pigeon.
It just takes a smidgin!
To poison a pigeon in the park.

Kenny Anderson didn’t win a championship in the NBA but he is a champion in life.

Charlie McAvoy’s baby boy Rhys is a hoss.

If there was a season to try the Simmons experiment, it’s this upcoming one.

A little paprika will liven up any white food.

Is it safe to ask the question that if Christian Gonzalez can’t figure out this string of being injury prone…is he a bust?

Congratulations to the Baseball Hall of Fame class of 2025.

Jon Meterparel also calls the indoor football for the Mass Pirates in the IFL and he couldn’t be more disinterested and mentally broken discussing these useless games. No disrespect to the Pirates.

For the first time since 1972, Burrillville wins the state title. State champs will play New York State champ next Saturday at 7 in Bristol.

The Hulkster will probably need a custom casket to fit those 24-inch pythons. RIP.

Best bet for the weekend: above-board, gentlemanly baseball between Houston and Boston at Fenway.

And happy birthday to model & actress Jaime Pressly, which is apparently spelled that way.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Feels so good.

Miami Beach BdlG.

07/09/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Why all the yellow seats, Lyndon?

Mexicans once again doing a job Americans won’t: winning at soccer.

Next time tell Will Clark to bring donuts.

Never got to see him play, but boy, did my father love him. RIP LB.

I always like when Shams or Schefter tell us who the agent is when they announce a signing. Those guys work hard and deserve it.

Don’t forget to use promo code MALIK for $100 in bonus bets on ESPN BET!

Sox look good against these bad teams, don’t they?

Relax, Halsey.

You either love “MacArthur Park” or you hate it. Am I correct?

Cakes are cooking for Dean Koontz, Chris Cooper, John Tesh, Debbie Sledge, Fred Norris, Jimmy Smits, Willie Wilson, Tom Hanks, Marc Almond, Jim Kerr, Kevin Nash, Christopher J “Gus” Loria, Courtney Love, Scott Verplank, Frank Bello, Pamela Adlon, Trent Green, Marc Andreessen, Scott Grimes, Derek Mills, Kelly Holcomb, Jack White, Dan Estrin, Fred Savage, Ben McAdoo, Issac Brock, Linda Park, and Mitchel Musso.

Aw, man. Michael Madsen. He was terrific is so much. THELMA & LOUISE RESERVOIR DOGS DONNIE BRASCO KILL BILL: VOL. 1 KILL BILL: VOL. 2 And many others. Farewell, Mr. Blonde…

Glacial erratics!

I wonder if there are Yankees fans who ask Grok to create an image of Thurman Munson successfully landing a plane. What?

Jim I have been in retail for a while. The Egg Nog arrives the day after Labor Day. And the Halloween candy arrives the day after the 4th of July.

Hey Gym Gang! This week’s that Pays is, “Come on, we’ve all seen T Quizzle’s gym selfies.”

The cowardly snapperheads who run Red Sox social media account won’t even post about team’s visit to the White House. Like it didn’t happen. Bigger pussies than Napkin Boy Felger.

#CarmineStrong

“What do you mean you gave all your wedding presents away?” – Everyone who bought presents for Drake and Ann Michael Maye’s wedding.

There’s no way Beau Hossler is a real name.

Anyone ever stop and think that Alex Verdugo’s last name, as a noun, means “the executioner” or “the butcher”? Just me? Oh well.

Red Line Reminder: Beginning at 8:30 PM on July 10 – July 13 Shuttle buses replace service between Kendall/MIT and JFK/UMass. Commuter Rail will be fare-free between South Station & Braintree and Porter & North Station.

A guy named Fritz had his Wimbledon tennis match hampered by a glitch?

Hockey goons age worse than female porn stars.

They are so occupied on if they can keep creating Jurassic Park movies they haven’t stopped to think if they should.

I’m gonna fight ’em off
A seven nation army couldn’t hold me back
They’re gonna rip it off
Taking their time right behind my back

And I’m talking to myself at night
Because I can’t forget
Back and forth through my mind
Behind a cigarette

And the message coming from my eyes
Says “Leave it alone”

Alan Hassenfeld and Ed DiPrete died. Rhode Island lore taking a hit today.

Fun Fact: Lucy Burdge doesn’t drink seltzer anymore because it gives her canker sores.

If GIF is supposed to be said with a hard g because of the first word in the acronym, how would you then pronounce PAWG?

Honk if you remember Chef Wayne’s Big Mamou.

Phone battery that was losing 3% a minute got better the minute I ordered an upgraded device. Tough noogies, old cellphone.

Who keeps saying Dame? Who?

Thank you for your interest in the USMNT.

Yeah, I moved on from the Niang leg grab incident pretty much right after it happened.

70s Sports Bro looks like the Muppet Ghost of Christmas Present.

Hit my longest drive ever yesterday. Sat back down in my cart, swigged my beer (Mass market lager, natch) and took a drag off my cigar as my friends were teeing off with “Courtesy of the Red White and Blue” on on the aux. It’s coolest I have ever felt on the golf course.

Was Tom Caron having Green Monster duty supposed to be interesting?

Red Bull team principal Christian Horner has been fired after 20 years with the team.

Best bet for the weekend: a raucous Dropkick Murphy’s Bobblehead Night at America’s Most Beloved Ballpark.

Good seats still available.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Take my tears and that’s not nearly all. Tainted love (oh) Tainted love.

And happy Birthday to actress Kelly McGillis, of Witness and Top Gun fame.

07/02/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Free Jacks FreePeat ThreePeat!

Are we sure Kornet’s gone? Shams might just be using the Celtics for clicks.

During the NBA Draft my dog ran and hid under the bed when Adam Silver came out.

I believe the AP Hockey Stylebook would prefer “Hagsy” to be James Hagen’s Bruins nickname.

Is the L in Luka Garza’s name silent, like the H in Hugo Gonzalez’s?

Jahmai Webster should tell Bradfo his secret to keeping shirts wrinkle-free.

What is going on at the Wimbledon Women’s draw?!

Welcome to Boston Alex Steeves, Tanner Jeannot, Sean Kuraly, and Michael Eyssimon.

Keep on that grind, JT. The fan base and the city are behind you 100%. Before you know it you’re gonna be dominating the league again. There’s still so much more left to be written in your Celtics story.

Did the Bruins make a good first round draft pick simply because their internet cut out and they were on autodraft?

Cakes are cooking for Imelda Marcos, Robert Ito, Polly Holliday, Richard Petty, John H. Sununu, Larry David, Saul Rubinek, Roy Bittan, Johnny Colla, Brandel Chamblee, Jose Canseco, Mark Tewksbury, Monie Love, Jared Palmer, Troy Brown, Éric Dazé, Owain Yeoman, Joe Thornton, Michelle Branch, Johnny Weir, Ashley Tisdale, Lindsay Lohan, Alex Morgan, Margot Robbie, and Saweetie.

Are we ever going to hear the results of the Lifshatz referee investigations?

Green Line B Branch Update: Regular service has resumed. This delay has cleared.

Hugo Gonzalez? The many Spanish Celtics fans I know will be thrilled.

Kudos to you for finding out the identity of the guy who uses his real name on Twitter.

I hoped Marchand came back to the Bruins so they can trade him at the deadline again for another #1 pick.

I don’t think I’m being hyperbolic when I say the 2-6 show on WEEI is the actual worst regular show either station has ever trotted out. Which is saying something.

Feel like I should be having a Maine Beer Co. brew right now out of respect to Cooper Flagg.

At random events for work I tell people that Andy Wong is my uncle.

Hey gang of stick-tappers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “You just have to let the draft come to you.”

2025 NBA Draft had no shortage of cryers.

Whichever Market Basket executive pledges to once again start selling their hot dog rolls in packs of 8 instead of 6 has my vote to replace Artie T.

Yesterday at this time it was 94° with a real feel of 104°. In my part of RI that is NOT normal. Today it’s 65° and cloudy with a slight breeze. 30 degrees of difference in 24 hours is nuts.

Lying about being a women’s basketball insider is deranged.

Wander Franco got 2-year suspended sentence for raping a 14-year-old? Was Jerry Thornton the judge?

I miss when Rod Thorn used to do the second round of the draft.

Overrate the Kowloon some more.

News Item: Phil Pressey has been named the new Head Coach of the Maine Celtics.

Don’t feel bad for Damian Lillard. This is a win-win. Dame had a player option for next summer that he was considering not exercising. No secret living away from family in Milwaukee was a challenge. So he gets his $ and is now an unrestricted free agent free to go where HE wants.

Hey Sydney Sweeney, fair warning, Tom Brady has to be an awful fuck. You know he can’t just enjoy it; he’s got to execute in all three phases.

Bobby Bonilla Day BWAHAHAHAHAHA! AMIRITE?

You know you’ve been in this draft watching game a long time when the player your team drafts looks like your son’s best friend.

Roberto Alomar gave Shaughnessy’s niece AIDS. Well, that’s how I heard it.

Honk if you remember when Pete Abe tweeted out a screen shot of some random Instagram girl’s ass and then pretended like he got hacked.

You can tell Bill and Ryen are serious basketball analysts by how often they refer to players as “assets.”

Was going thru my whiskey bottles to grab one for vacation and couldn’t believe how much i have in the house. Haven’t touched it since December. Wowowo allowing my gray matter neurons to heal.

A nice screened in porch is the perfect summer amenity.

Marner, if he ends up with Boston, will change spelling of last name to MAH-nuh. Just to assimilate.

I like my bands in business suits, I watch them on TV
I’m working out most every day and watching what I eat
They tell me that it’s good for me, but I don’t even care
I know that it’s crazy
I know that it’s nowhere
But there is no denying that

It’s hip to be square
It’s hip to be square
It’s hip to be square
So hip to be square.

Yeah, the guy who got fired from the two-hour Saturday morning show is tapped into the Celtics’ front office.

A: Chico, Burrito, and Shaman.

In New England culture sometimes all carbonated soft drinks are referred to as tonic.

Bruins should take a look at Brynov Tsaevarski.

If BYU If doesn’t want their student-athletes having sex they should just have them all get married.

“One may know how to draft without knowing how to do it” – Sun Tzu Dupont

Did Jordon Hudson outbid Pablo Torre for a pair of heels on eBay? WTF.

Get well soon, Red Panda.

Best bet for the weekend: the busiest Fourth of July ever for travel.

Hearing reports traffic is backed up from the Cape bridges to the gas tanks.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. HBD USA.

And happy birthday to supermodel, actress and Texas gal Jerry Hall, who appeared in the 1992 film, ‘Freejack.’

06/18/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Now #16 for the San Francisco Baseball Giants, but still #1 in the hearts of many a Red Sox fan.

Aloha means ‘goodbye.’ Aloha, Rafael Devers.

And congrats to my fellow Townie on his second Stanley Cup. Love ya, Marchy.

There’s a stress-free level of watching Red Sox games as a Boston fan on the West Coast that is just carefree and indescribable. Doesn’t hurt when it’s 70° with no humidity either.

Poor Caitlin Clark. I haven’t seen anyone get roughed up by the Sun like that since Tom E. Curran forgot his stupid nana beach hat!

Every baseball podcast inevitably devolves into pedophilia accusations and petty conflicts.

Catch that last big wave, Brian Wilson. In a life containing an abusive father, and abusive doctor, and Charles Manson, the greatest villain of The Beach Boys will always be Mike Love.

Cakes are cooking for Sir Paul McCartney, Linda Thorson, Chris Van Allsburg, Carol Kane, Isabella Rossellini, William Beard, Brian Benben, Andrés Galarraga, Alison Moyet, Bruce Smith, “Dizzy” Reed, Kurt Browning, Sandy Alomar Jr., Alex Vanderpool, Julie Depardieu, Tracy Ducar, Bumper Robinson, Jeff Saturday, Martin St. Louis, Blake Shelton, Tara Platt, Antonio Gates, Ivana Wong, Ella Chen, Richard Madden, Willa Holland, and Evan Mobley.

That Jones/Keefe twitter account gets zero engagement.

Cotillo absolutely has to wear prescription shoes. Those aren’t free, babe.

Man. Adam. Amirite?

Hey gang of ex-Parrotheads! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Dude, I killed Jimmy Buffet.”

The Unites States actually gained all rights to Lord Stanley’s Cup over a decade ago by adverse possession.

Bro, calling AJ Soprano a pedo is crazy town.

Felt compelled to write something about how The Beach Boys came to be my favorite band and how they helped me form a bond with my father. RIP Brian Wilson. I first heard The Beach Boys at an end-of-school-year assembly in 1994 when I was finishing up second grade. The school played “Surfin’ USA” as the sixth graders graduated, and something about the song clicked with me. That night, my family was going out to eat, and my dad put in a cassette tape in the car he had received from a friend, and that same song played again. I asked my dad who it was, and he told me it was The Beach Boys. It was so catchy and fast. That entire summer, I played that tape, which I later found out was a UK Beach Boys compilation called “20 Golden Greats” over and over and over again while my friends and I played “Turtles In Time” on Super Nintendo. It was the first music that ever clicked with me. My family became obsessed with The Beach Boys over the next two months. My dad brought out his old LPs. We bought the recently-released “Good Vibrations” box set. I had decided by looking at liner notes that the drummer, Dennis Wilson, was my favorite member. I remember crying when I found out he had died 11 years earlier. I read Steven Gaines’ “Heroes and Villains” book at way too young of an age. And we bought tickets to see The Beach Boys at the Puyallup Fair at the end of the summer. Brian Wilson wasn’t touring with the band by that point, but I’m happy I got to see Carl Wilson perform live before he died in 1998. I still remember how cool he looked with his black suit and beard. The mid-90s were oddly a good time to be getting into Brian Wilson and The Beach Boys. Brian was starting his solo career, and there were a few TV specials and documentaries about the band at the time. I remember my best friend and I randomly catching them singing the Top 10 list on David Letterman during a sleepover in the summer of 1994. The Beach Boys never stopped being my favorite band. I picked up a guitar because of The Beach Boys. I probably go into punk and hardcore because bands like the Ramones are just a sped-up version of The Beach Boys.Thank you for all of the wonderful music and memories, Brian. I know Brian lived a tough life, and while his passing is incredibly sad, it’s a relief to know he’s at peace.

Blue Line: Riders may experience longer wait times and delays throughout the day due to ongoing signal problems.

David Andrews better be getting the bag for having to yuk it up with a Perc-addled Fred Toucher.

The Red Sox can be hopelessly dysfunctional and Devers can be an immature prima donna at the same time.

I would like to live someplace that invariably gets described as a ‘coastal enclave.’

Pretty impressive to win 4 titles, one of which breaks an 86 year curse, and still manage to become the most loathed man in the city. You can’t write that script. Henry truly is one of one.

Peter King’s favorite Beach Boys song is Kokomo.

David Ortiz says on IG live that he offered his assistance and guidance to Rafael Devers multiple times during his time in Boston and he rarely heard back from him, he never showed interest in learning how to get better as the face of the franchise.

Just another piece of shit named Kennedy to hate. What an absolute duplicitous snake.

I love business chatter.

Referees really could have called too many men on the ice on Florida with five seconds left.

You’d think that people would have had enough of silly love songs
But I look around me
And I see it isn’t so
Some people want to fill the world
With silly love songs
And what’s wrong with that?
I’d like to know
Cos here I go again

I love you, I love you
I love you, I love you.

I don’t care when you were born, there’s NO WAY someone can mistake the cast of Seinfeld for the cast of The Sopranos.

Gethin Coolbaugh was never real. You got duped.

My ‘the “11” on Devers’ city connect uniform is absolutely squashed together and looks terrible. Front and back. I don’t want the kerning people fired, but I want them reprimanded’ complaint has been overtaken by events.

Linfield just drew Shelbourne in the first qualifying round of the Champions League.

Te-Hina Paopao has to be considered one of the biggest steals of the draft. Second-round pick who has looked WNBA-ready all year.

Sam Kennedy has his own cuck chair for watching John Henry in his cuck chair.

Honk if you remember @bullpencar on twitter.

Diversity of thought can be beneficial. Please be tolerant of other points of view and respectful in the rhetoric used here. Respectful disagreement is permissible, even encouraged. But I require EVERYONE to avoid profanity and name-calling.

Does CCRI offer a course on becoming a dog bite expert?

Maybe Red Sox Twitter should stop whining about the hot Italian chick and start curbing its rampant pedophilia?

Imagine having golf hall of fame takes.

Hot take: Carl Moesche deserved to get canned.

Belated Happy Fathers Day to all my Twitter Dads. Thinking of everyone without a Dad today, or a complicated relationship with theirs.

News Item: Pepsi and Mountain Dew are discontinuing 14 flavors, MegO hardest hit.

Doug Mirabelli had courageous facial hair. You rarely see that anymore.

I think Hollywood could occasionally make a movie or show that doesn’t have Paul Walter Houser in it. Give the guy a break.

Brian Wilson dies, now we get to bomb Iran. Hey, I don’t make the rules.

Joon Lee is either 25 or 55 years old.

It’s disappointing we have no video of a drunken and stoned Rear Admiral running around the Panthers celebration this year.

Breslow need to come out as autistic to save himself.

Seems like Juneteenth comes earlier and earlier every year.

Best bet for the weekend: revenge!

These are Stanley tumblers. Not Stanley Cups.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, and the members of #the15 were used in this columnI may not always love you But long as there are stars above you You never need to doubt it I’ll make you so sure about it

And happy birthday to actress-singer, marriage & family therapist, and (checks notes) Penthouse Pet of the Year Renee Olstead.

05/21/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Love, I get so lost, sometimes.
Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
.

I wish I could group hug Celtics fam right now.

Society has moved past the point of needing to know Emmanuel Acho’s opinion on literally any subject.

Natasha Howard is such an upgrade over NaLyssa Smith at the 4 spot for Fever.

If that is a foul on Brunson, then consider me Miles Davis.

people saying that KP has….. AIDS because he got benched for shortness of breath

I’m not going to make jokes about Mexican sailors.

Scottie Scheffler is the 2nd best golfer of my lifetime. Yeah I said it.

Journalism wins The Preakness, but is immediately laid off and replaced with a younger horse.

I have never been called for jury duty, and I’d like to, but I do have serious concerns about my ability to stay awake throughout an entire trial.

Cakes are cooking for Bobby Cox, Ronald Isley, Leo Sayer, Al Franken, Mr. T, John Galvin, Stan Lynch, Bruce Buffer, Judge Reinhold, Renée Soutendijk, Kent Hrbek, Havoc [Kejuan Muchita], Ricky Williams, Goyte, Beth Botsford, Josh Hamilton, Tay Zonday, Gary Woodland, Andrew Miller, Cody Johnson, Laura Loomer, Hannah Einbinder, and Josh Allen.

Lynn Ferry Cancellation: The 5:45 PM trip from Long Wharf to Blossom Street Pier is cancelled today due to rough seas. A shuttle bus will be available at State St @ Atlantic Ave to take passengers to Lynn.

Can’t wait for the Superman soundtrack to have an absolutely outrageous song choice that somehow works perfectly. Like ‘No Sleep Till Brooklyn’ in GOTG 3 or ‘Just A Gigolo’ in The Suicide Squad. James Gunn is a genius when it comes to this stuff.

Alexander Graham Bell is probably thinking, “First Sir David Ortiz, then Sir Alex Cora. Why do these Boston Red Sox of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts dislike my invention so much?”

This Brooklyn Bridge thing is unfortunately going to put a dent in my previously high opinion of the Mexican Navy.

Win or lose this series, it’s been so much fun to see the Nuggets find their soul again after the way they went out last season.

I do fear these Sox City Connect Air Max 270’s go stoopy dummy.

Ferry Service for Memorial Day, Monday, May 26: F1 Hingham to Boston Ferry – No Service F2H Hingham/Hull/Logan to Boston Ferry – Sunday Service East Boston/Charlestown/Lynn/Winthrop & Quincy Ferries – Weekend Schedule

People have always been fearful and jealous of philosopher-entrepreneurs.

Hey gang of idiots! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I’m going to go on on a lemon.”

All the best weddings happen on a random Thursday in May.

There’s a reason the Mexicans lost their Gulf.

Dave O’Brien was awfully excited to announce that George Wendt died.

I hate tinder. Yeah you can have FUN with dummies but it’s not what I’m looking for. I’m looking for a girl that will call me out on my bullshit.

The world needs more obese, autistic baseball afficionados.

Rupert Holmes’ lawyers are absolute sharks!

Maybe the Mexicans could have trained on something simpler, like barges.

¿Barges?

Threw NONNAS on the other night and ended up enjoying the hell out of it. Nice little heart-warmer.

Are there shitty seats at weddings? Nose bleeds? Obstructed view?

Please consider giving support to my Karen Read fundraiser so that she and her lawyer can afford a better vodka than Grey Goose!

Does Coach Bill know about the engagement?

I don’t want to meet the person who buys used furniture.

You can get addicted to a certain kinda sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well, you said that we would still be friends
But I’ll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothin’
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger, and that feels so rough

No, you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
Guess that I don’t need that, though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

The Bruins get a 1st round pick because the Leafs choked a Game 7. God is a Bruins fan.

Honk if you remember Electric Light Orchestra.

I watched my 14-yr old boy absolutely take over an AAU tourney/game this past weekend and carry his f’ing team to a win like an elite player should. Moved me to tears watching it. The kind of feeling that you can’t really explain as a parent. You just sit there in awe nodding your head and feel overwhelmed. Inspiring stuff.

Nobody ever called into ‘Ask the Manager’ and asked for more ‘Petticoat Junction’ reruns.

On The Rewatchables ep about Close Encounters, Bill Simmons says the lack of iPhones made the movie age badly. He also calls out, “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Richard Cord.” Simmons is the ultimate media shitlib GenXer. He just doesn’t care about anything.

Many of the entitled play Pickleball.

Can’t tell me how many inches of snow there’ll be but sure put out your rainfall forecast in thousandths of an inch.

Did Belichick record his audio book from a flophouse?

Anybody remember when the Sox drafted a guy named Lars Anderson? Big LH first baseman, nice swing. I remember (Seriously) somebody in Boston’s unpaid sports media saying he’d be the first .400 hitter since Ted W. Don’t think he ever got an at bat in the majors. Ah, Old Times.

Did not know this but Brad Marchand’s nickname with the Panthers is -The Rat King..

The Seabees were definitely 86ing terrorists. You can read all about it at their museum over at Quonset Point.

The Tush Push would be a great Provincetown sports bar name.

Best bet for the weekend: people eagerly anticipating being allowed to wear white shoes again.

We love you Jayson, but giving the thumbs up from a hospital bed is an invitation to doom.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Twist and shout.

And a happy birthday to actress & singer Fairuza Balk.

05/14/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Miss Maine 2025 is apparently from Bangor. Supply the requisite punchline yourselves.

It’s like none of you guys think Finals MVP Jaylen doesn’t have it in him to carry this team to eleven more wins.

Not trading Devers to the Padres unless Orsillo is in the package.

Show Maple Leaf Square!

If I were on trial I’d probably just call in sick until they give up.

Flagg’s parents are very anti-Zionist and with Miriam Adelson owning the Mavericks expect some litigation and fireworks to get his signature on a contract w the Mavericks. This is not a done deal by any stretch.

You know who belongs in the Hall of Fame? Luis Tiant.

On May 11, 1888, a baby boy named Israel Beilin was born in Tyumen, Russian Empire. His family emigrated here in 1893 and his songs would make America a better place. You and I know him as Irving Berlin.

Al Horford has great foul-protesting eyebrows.

What are the duties of Miss Maine? Does she get to ceremonially shutter paper mills?

Cakes are cooking for Tony Pérez, Francesca Annis, George Lucas, Al Ciner, Walter Olkewicz, Season Hubley, David Byrne, Robert Zemeckis, Tom Cochrane, Alain Vigneault, Tim Roth, C.C. DeVille, Ian Astbury, Pat Borders, Fab Morvan, Pooh Richardson, Raphael Saadiq, Cate Blanchett, Danny Wood, Sofia Coppola, Shanice, Amber Tamblyn, Mark Zuckerberg, Robert Gronkowski, and Kristina Mladenovic.

I don’t know who Mo Khan is but he looks like he’s depriving the Heat of a perfectly hateable role player off the bench.

Cena’s gonna slap the ref and get DQed isn’t he?

If you want me to be an adult about the Tatum injury, you have to stop tweeting about WWE and Marvel movies.

Lynn Ferry Update: The Lynn Ferry will resume its normal schedule tomorrow, May 15, at the start of service.

You can’t say “folks” when you have seven followers.

I’ve been a toilet-owner for decades and there are still few things that cause a momentary spike in blood pressure like flushing a toilet and watching the water level proceed to rise.

Nick Wright’s mom always has to tell him, ‘stop arguing with me, you’re too smart.’

Losing to a shitty Knicks team was the impetus for Ainge making the tear-down trade that got them Tatum and Brown.

Hey gang of persons of interest! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “He’s just asking for bleach soap.”

Tommy Heinsohn always thought T.J. McConnell was underrated and should be getting more minutes on whatever team he was on. Ish Smith was also in that category for Tommy.

Mazzulla needs the chess master to teach him how to tank.

It’s weird that the media collectively decided it’s ok to call Jordon a whore and a floozy. If we are done supporting women in sports, let’s bounce Doris, ASAP. Also, “she’s unqualified!” For what? Are there 8 years of schooling for personal assistants I’m unaware of?

You ever throw on some Gregory Alan Isakov and stare at the trees? Is that just me?

The trope that good teams win the one-run games is, of course, the exact opposite of what the data shows to be true. Good teams have a better winning percentage in 2-run games than 1-run games, better in 3-run margin games than 2-run games, etc.

Luckily the Dubs got Playoff Jimmy so that if something were to happen to Curry the whole thing wouldn’t immediately go tits up.

Heavily agree with OB here. No better smell on this planet than fresh mulch.

That pop for LA Knight tho. #WWEBacklash

The damage done to society by pretending broads are funny is immeasurable.

Pete Rose will now be eligible for Hall of Fame consideration. Never forget that while Pete Rose may have loved baseball more than anyone on earth, he loved gambling more.

There’s a city in my mind
Come along and take that ride
And it’s alright, baby, it’s alright

And it’s very far away
But it’s growing day by day
And it’s alright, baby, it’s alright

And would you like to come along?
You could help me sing this song
And it’s alright, baby, it’s alright

They can tell you what to do
But they’ll make a fool of you
And it’s alright, baby, it’s alright

We’re on a road to nowhere (hey)
We’re on a road to nowhere (hey)
We’re on a road to nowhere (hey-hey)

Not really looking forward to the next Celtics City episode featuring the Jordan Walsh Era.

The older you get, the more you begin to talk about the first job you got out of college like you’re Quint from Jaws.

The Athletic sending Buckley to cover Miss Maine feels like an HR violation.

Honk if you remember Skylab.

Should I bring a bottle of white wine, or red to the NFL schedule release party?

OG Anunoby 3-pointer in the first minute was later removed during a break when replay showed it was released after the 24-second clock drained. … Usually you only see points come off the board in Jeopardy.

The new Pope should go on Hot Ones.

I believe the NBA believes they have a draft lottery.

Teams in two-team cities should trade parks once a year just for kicks. White Sox play a series in Wiggley, Mets play a series in Janqui, Dodgers play a series in Anaheim. Giants not required to trek to Sacramento.

A sense of joy is the best way to approach every day. Tatum on pointe.

I heard Yoshida is at the point in his rehab where he is not ‘actively frightened’ by being in the same room with a baseball.

Best bet for the weekend: college commencement ceremonies. Wear sunscreen.

Big Jim Murray looks like a disinherited Saudi prince.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Blue skies smiling at me. Nothing but blue skies do I see.

And happy birthday to actress & singer Miranda Cosgrove.

05/07/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

If Stefon understands the new playbook as well as he understood the Met Gala ‘Black Dandyism’ theme, good times ahead in New England.

If I were the Celtics I simply wouldn’t have missed 45 out of 60 of my 3-point shots.

Popular player with the additional benefit of recency bias wins popularity contest. Oh noes! Congratulations Julian.

Why do I love small ball so much?

Unfortunately because of my knee injury I sustained at the end of the season I wasn’t be able to attend the Met Gala in NY last night as so many people have been asking and congratulating me on! Hate to miss an historical event! My beautiful powerful Queen was there holding the castle down as she always has done!

May the Fourth only Star Wars Day if you have a lisp.

Interacting with me on this app is like dumping a packet of pop rocks in your mouth and then taking a swig of sprite and shaking your face around. I wouldn’t have it any other way. True story tho.

Get well soon Triston.

Celts and Knicks have only had two playoff series since 1990. Damn.

St Louis got the Jim Montgomery Experience.

Cakes are cooking for Christy Moore, Bill Danoff, Randall ‘Tex’ Cobb, Amy Heckerling, Phil “Wizzö” Campbell, Ronnie Harmon, Chris O’Connor, Eagle Eye Cherry, Katerina Maleeva, Breckin Meyer, Matt Helders, and Cameron Young.

I don’t think Ben Volin knows what a liquidation sale is.

May 7, 1925: Pittsburgh Pirates shortstop Glenn Wright records a rare unassisted triple play. Against St. Louis in the 9th inning he catches a liner hit by Jim Bottomley, steps on second base to retire Jimmy Cooney and tags out Rogers Hornsby. Still, the Cardinals win, 10-9.

I like how religious Jerry Thornton is after years of celebrating 13-year-old boys fucking their teachers.

Hey gang of hall monitors! Thsis week’s Phrase that Pays is, “With all due respect you look like you just woke up on a hospital floor.”

I hope the Lakers waited for the Clippers at LAX for the trip to Cancun.

How come I never see the Mets at the Met Gala?

Same old Red Sox that we have seen for four years, isn’t it? Play well for a week, give away games the next, injuries at key spots, players playing positions they’re really not good at, middle relief is as reliable as Motel 6 air conditioning.

Just had a beer in the Cask with Justin Topa’s dad.

The Bill Russell Bridge (aka the new ‘Close the fuckin’ bridge!’ Bridge) and Boston Harbor are awash in green (the Harbor’s color about 35-40 years ago).

Sometimes a morning shower really hits perfectly.

Orange Line Reminder: Beginning at 8:30 PM Friday, May 9, through end of service Sunday, May 18. Shuttle Buses replace service between Oak Grove and North Station due to MassDOT bridge work.

How many goddamn slaves you need for a camel race?

I shouldn’t confuse Lily-Rose Depp and Millie Bobby Brown. But I do.

So I just learned that there’s a Wahlburgers about 5 miles away. I love a good burger, but not with a ton of crap on it. Meat, cheese, mustard, bread. Maybe some bacon. Not paying for crap I don’t want to eat.

Go on and close the curtains
‘Cause all we need is candlelight
You and me, and a bottle of wine
To hold you tonight (oh, yeah)
Well, we know I’m going away
And how I wish, I wish it weren’t so
So take this wine and drink with me
And let’s delay our misery:

Save tonight, and fight the break of dawn
Come tomorrow, tomorrow I’ll be gone.
Save tonight, and fight the break of dawn
Come tomorrow, tomorrow I’ll be gone.

I got a dwi one Halloween dressed as Hulk Hogan. Couldn’t even get Jimmy Hart on the phone. Someone threw an apple at my head.

Honk if you remember Shelley Long.

It’s got to kill the media to finally get rid of Belichick but then have to deal with Joe.

Hey Dart Adams: What were the circumstances surrounding John Amos leaving Good Times? $ or creative differences?

Mammoth? Like the rock band named after the rock band?

I can’t hear C.F. McCarthy’s without thinking of Tipsy McStaggers.

There’s still time to fire Kerr and replace him with Jim Park.

Maybe Will Campbell knew he was getting drafted by the New England Patriots and that’s why he wore green. He knew it was his last night to wear New York Jets colors.

Stop skippping The Preakness, Kentucky Derby winning horse owner guys, sultans, & conglomerates!

The Revs: owning?

Best bet for the weekend: earnest but hopeless attempts to serve mom breakfast in bed.

Pamela Anderson goes makeup free and looks incredible at the 2025 Met Gala.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Victory!

OK, that was mean. Here’s actress Sydney Sweeney who was also at the Met Gala.

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