Tag Archives: mlb

7/18/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Jarren Duran. Si, mas!

Kysre?

Are you now a member of the Patriots coaching staff? Are you sure? Check your emails.

The MLB ASG was very Red Sox intensive. As it should be.

Doubtless everyone in Jamaica Plain was rooting for the Fila-sponsored Barbora Krejcikova, to win Wimbledon, right?

If you can’t use a hammer correctly, sailing might not be your thing either.

MLB Draft: 9 of the first 21 players selected in the first round are Black players. #Diversity

Spaniards must be partying like it’s 1799 with the Euro Cup win and Alcaraz as the Wimbledon Men’s champ.

Ingrid Andress is going to rehab? This is going to ruin the tour.

Bedtime at 8:30 is delightful, sorree!

Cakes are cooking for Dick Button, Tenley Albright, Paul Verhoeven, Dion DiMucci, Joe Torre, Craig Fuller, Richard Branson, Nick Faldo, Elizabeth McGovern, Wendy Williams, Dan O’Brien, Vin Deisel, Anfernee Hardaway, Bruce Walker, Torii Hunter, Elsa Pataky, Ben Sheets, Dion Branch, Kristin Bell, Priyanka Chopra, and Canelo Alvarez.

Fun Fact: ‘Kysre’ is pronounced. ‘kaiser!’

Watching some Nets/Cavs from 1993 and Paolo Banchero reminds me so much of Derrick Coleman.

My grass is so brown Gerry Callahan is throwing rocks at it.

Tough loss at Wimbledon, but at least Jasmine Paolini now gets to go back to The Shire and marry Sam Gamgee.

Three monocle emojis can sometimes mean, ‘I’m happy for my Celtics teammate’, right?

Green Line B and C branch trains are currently terminating at Park Street due to a track problem at Government Center. For service to Boston College or Cleveland Circle from Government Center, board any train and switch at Park Street.

Greg Dickerson: “Is it bad that I’m insanely jealous of the hawk tuah girl? I just want fame and fortune for living life with no talent.” Sad!

Does Dave O’Brien even like his job? Guy should be conducting estate sales.

Red Sox drafted David Ortiz’s son, D’Angelo, in the 19th round. The Yankees will literally never know peace.

My “for you” tab is all fight vids and videos of animals you wouldn’t think would be friends, but are.

Jeff Howe thinks Dickie V. should stop showboating.

Hey gang of insecure phenoms! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I’m not afraid of you or your resources.”

BattleBots!

Uh, Dakota Fannings breakout role was in I Am Sam, 3 roles before Man on Fire.

Looking at Shakira is always a treat but once again who asks for music at a sporting event?

No better way to prove you’re definitely not jealous or bothered by criticism than to make another tweet about it a day later.

This Week’s Bill Simmons Mad Libs: “Is Jamie Lee Curtis the Eli Manning of her generation?”

Anybody with the last Campbell is called Soupy or Soup.

Jarren Duran joins Yaz, Roger, Pedro, and JD Drew as Red Sox All Star Game MVP winners.

Chanting at sporting events is like verbally holding hands with other guys.

Two absolutely fantastic rookie pitchers this year, Skenes and Miller. When was the last time we had two rookies like that in one year?

I can see why you think you belong to me.
I never tried to make you think or let you see
one thing for yourself.
But now you’re off with someone else and I’m alone.
You see I thought that I might keep you for my own.

Amie, what you wanna do?
I think I could stay with you,
For a while, maybe longer if I do.

News Item: Bill Belichick to join the cast of The CW’s ‘Inside the NFL’ The CW still exists? Is it on after ‘Gossip Girl?’

Bro, you need to get to Comerica.

What happens if you say ‘Klutch Sports Group’ five times in a mirror?

I’ve seen D’Angelo Ortiz play a few times. Good approach, works the count. Table-setter at Miami Dade. Smart player, too. He worked hard and played two years of juco. Nothing glamorous there, just bus rides and ball.

What a bizarre culture we’ve created where the third wheel on a hockey podcast feels the need to tell us he’s laying off the benzos.

Honk if you remembered to watch the ESPY’s.

Gaylord Perry would have liked that ‘Hawk Tuah’ gal.

Well at least the fans from the South American countries didn’t live down to stereotypes and low expectations in the Copa.

Third Eye Blind can pack ’em in at Great Woods and 50 Cent can’t? We truly live in an odd odd time in history.

Kayla Burton, Steve’s kid, NBC Sports Boston. Your thoughts?

Hillbilly Elegy is a prime day deal $7.45. I Am due for a next book to read and heard it was good.

Aloha means ‘goodbye.’ Aloha, Gregg Berhalter.

Now you can’t stream to Twitter unless you’re a “Premium Member?” Thanks for making it tougher to survive as a content creator, Elon.

Best bet for the weekend: high drama at Royal Troon.

Jaylen. Kysre. Cute couple of hoopers.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Modified limited hiatus?

And happy birthday to pale British actress Kelly Reilly.

Still Even More Little-Known Beantown (and Foxborough) Sports Facts!

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Note: Patrick Scartelli has taken this week off from Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer. In his place is an excerpt from good friend of The15net dot com, sportswriter Mr. Stanislas Tecumseh Darden, Jr., with an excerpt from his book, ‘406 Little-Known Beantown (& Foxborough) Sports Facts!’

…

Boston Celtics GM Danny Ainge traded the first overall pick in the 2017 NBA Draft to Philadelphia for their third overall pick, and selected Jayson Tatum!

John Bucyk scored 545 goals as a member of the Boston Bruins!

The city of Boston has never hosted an Olympic Games!

Boston Red Sox center fielder Dom DiMaggio’s brothers Vincent and Joseph also played baseball professionally!

Former Bruins player Gregory Campbell’s nickname was and is ‘Soupy!’

Celtics mascot Lucky doesn’t take cabs!

During a 1961 game between the then-Boston Patriots and the then-Dallas Texans, a fan in a trench coat went into the end zone to bat down a potential game-winning pass!

From 1947 until 1999, no advertisements could be found on Fenway Park’s Green Monster!

In 1970, Robert Gordon Orr won the Norris, Art Ross, Conn Smythe, and the Hart Trophy, becoming the only player to win all four awards during the same season!

Dick Flavin is an American poet known as the “poet laureate of the Boston Red Sox!”

Boston Garden was the first arena to host the Stanley Cup Final and NBA Finals at the same time in 1957!

Coachmen love The Head of the Charles Regatta!

On Mother’s Day of 2007, the Red Sox erased a 5-run deficit in the bottom of the 9th inning, winning 6-5!

After losing the Snow Bowl playoff game in Foxboro to the Patriots, the Oakland Raiders reached the Super Bowl the very next season, and lost that game as well, 21-48! Quit whining about the officiating, losers!

Fenway Park has not hosted an All-Star Game since 1999!

The Boston Bruins were founded in 1924!

When Ted Williams played the final game of his career at Fenway Park on September 28, 1960, there were only 10,454 people in the stands, much fewer than the total number of people who would later claim to have been there!

The Boston College Eagles were charter members of the original Big East Conference!

There is no longer a GameStop location in Patriot Place!

Late Celtics star Reggie Lewis played his college ball in Boston as well, for Northeastern University!

David ‘Big Papi’ Ortiz has an Identical Best Friend, named Sixto!

The USS Constitution “Old Ironsides,” like many Navy vessels fields a baseball team!

Nina Kuscsik was the first woman to officially win the Boston Marathon, which occurred in 1972!

The Bruins were the first NHL team to own a Zamboni and also the first NHL team to get rid of Zamboni, TD Garden have used Olympia Ice Resurfacers since 2015!

During his pro wrestling career, Pete Doherty, The Duke of Dorchester defeated Fred Marzino 28 times with no wins scored by Marzino!

Schaefer Stadium was originally built in Mexico as a soccer venue for the 1970 World Cup, and was purchased at discount by the Sullivan family, disassembled, transported stateside, and rebuilt in Foxboro!

The original Boston Garden opened in 1928 as ‘Boston Madison Square Garden!’

The Patriots record during Upton Bell’s tenure as GM was 9-19!

Former Red Sox skipper Walpole Joe Morgan meets broadcaster Joe Morgan every few months for lunch to exchange misaddressed fan mail!

Follow Mr. Darden at @StdSportswriter on Twitter.

books

6/19/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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They wanted Boston. They got Boston.

Winning is great. Winning that makes everyone else hysterically sad is even better.

No one dotted Dugie? Sad!

Jaylen Brown Finals MVP. He did spend some of that Supermax contract money attending a Sick Handlez Camp!

Willie Mays. You Say Hey, we all say goodbye. OOTG’s.

I’m in tears knowing Bill Russell’s widow was in Dallas for Game 4, and in Boston for Game 5.

Meanwhile, if wasn’t already, Bryson DeChambeau sure seems to have become this weekend what golf is continually seeking: A needle mover.

Dave Brown peacocking from his long dormant & locked Twitter account is peak Dave Brown.

Cakes are cooking for Salman Rushdie, Ann Wilson, Duane Kuiper, Larry Dunn, Kathleen Turner, Paula Abdul, Simon Wright, Mia Sara, Poppy Montgomery, Robin Tunney, Doug Mientkiewicz, Dirk Nowitzki, Garfield the Cat, Zoe Saldana, Jason White, and Macklemore.

Not only was that an all-time US Open, but my daughters wanted to learn more about the game, and I got to talk through the back nine with my dad at the house like we used to do after my tournaments and biggest rounds. Happy Father’s Day, everyone. It was a memorable one over here.

Having proper Sunday night HBO programming back is the best. It dominates social media the next day. We are so back.

Tons of people were helped by Jerry West admitting to being a maniac. Many cases of lives saved. “The Logo” taught me that it’s ok to not be ok.

Orange Line Reminder: Service changes for bridge and track work June 22-23: Shuttle buses replace service between Oak Grove & North Station June 24-30: Shuttle buses replace service between Wellington & North Station. Commuter Rail is fare free between Oak Grove & North Station.

Hopefully the next time all these Patriots greats are together is at RKK’s funeral.

Ime Udoka passed this up for pussy.

I don’t know how long ago Dennis Drinkwater’s seat moved to the aisle but how does he get into it? Does he hop over the back? Need to know.

Will Buck be wearing his Donnie Beardlsey skinsuit on one of the duckboats Friday?

Edmonton has now won twice, a win for each boob flashed by that nice lady.

Suggestion for Friday’s Celtics parade: Reserve one Duck-Boat for Wyc Grousbeck and his band, and play a Dead set to bring Bill Walton into the event. “Ripple” for respect.

Al Horford, aka the Dominican Don Nelson.

Don’t know about you guys, but it’s really scary to think that any one of us could be locked up if we drunkenly backed over a Boston cop. If they can do it to her, they can do it to YOU.

Hey gang of morons, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I’m still peeling confetti off me.”

Not great for the Woman In Sports™ brand that a hard 4 who grifts online retards considers herself part of the group.

Uh oh. Cotillo’s back on the soft serve.

Out of Jayson Tatum’s 40 highest priced purchased cards, only 3 were bought this year.

Trying to imagine what Bill’s reaction would have been if Brian, Stephen, or Amanda hade ever brought home a Cheerleader/Entrepeneur/Philosopher to meet dad.

This has been the longest day I wish I had more energy for the Celtics tweets 😦 I’ll be obnoxious all month if they win don’t worry.

‘Riding the side boards’ sounds like a 1940’s euphemism for gay sex.

I just wish Fergie would do every NBA Finals anthem.

The flow of porn spam from the usual suspects on Twitter has disappeared from my feed, and I have mixed feelings now that nobody seems to be trying to scam me. It’s like “wait, am I not worth the effort to try to steal from anymore?”

Abby didn’t need any gay champagne goggles.

Huh. I wonder why Bill forgot to mention the backstabbing rat of an in-over-his-head linebackers coach.

This human Subaru just femsplained to literal DNA forensic scientists the science of forensic DNA detectability.

Bill Clinton don’t become Willie Mays.

Sometimes I just shut up and let my past work talk. I earned these two days off and I’m going to enjoy every, single, minute of it.

PFF geting Betamaxed out of existence wouldn’t be terrible.

My favorite thing about watching women’s basketball is that they actually post up and use low post moves. It’s a lost art in the men’s game.

When the Starks & Baratheons get these blonde freaks up outta here >>>>>

Have the Revs turned a corner?

In the Boston Celtics 17 NBA Championships it has taken them an average of 6.12 games to win in the NBA Finals.

‘Claudia Bellofatto’ is a made-up name.

I can look out from the roof of this building I’m on and see five other buildings that I built. Three of which I saw from steel beam to final clean. I built half this block.

Today would be a great day for the race war to kickoff. Just like the Tet Offensive.

Gonna see the river man.
Gonna tell him all I can
About the plan
For lilac time.

If he tells me all he knows
‘Bout the way his river flows.
And all night shows
In summertime.

Fun Fact: women were disallowed from serving on juries in Massachusetts until 1950.

Somewhere in this town, there are crab legs & I’m gonna go eat more of them than the Rangers had hits Sunday.

Probably a relief to Jerry West that he didn’t have to see another Celtics championship.

Would you rather have one 12-foot statue of Tom Brady or twelve 1-foot statues of Tom Brady?

Narrator: The Mavericks as it turns out did not figure out the Celtics’ scheme.

There are too many withdrawals, no deposit , You can’t grow like that !!!

Wonder if Bill saved Linda’s fake cans for the new girl.

I’ve never figured out how they keep the baseball IN the hat when the hat jumps in the air during that dancing-hat thing where they want you to guess which hat has the ball.

With the Finals being over, how will people now learn that there is a new Bad Boys movie in theaters?

Honk if you remember Brett Hull’s Stanley Cup winning ‘no goal.’

That wasn’t a travel on Prichard’s beyond halfcourt halftime buzzer-beating three, it was a Eurostep.

Linda Cohn is still on TV? Well good for her!

I’m still trying to see ‘likes’ on Twitter like Homer Simpson forgetting to dial the new area code.

It’s really not like Anna Horford to use her brother’s fame to curry favor.

Imagine if Danny and Brad took advice from the radio talking men and the ink-stained wretches. lol

Belichick can probably still kill spiders and open tight jar lids at his age.

Also, I want the repaired Christopher Columbus statue the city is too scared to put back up riding on one of the duckboats.

If The Sports Hub had a Kevin, I think I’d know about it.

Best bet for the weekend: Ocean State Job Lot starts selling the ‘NBA Players Association’ championship merch.

Tom. Patriots Hall of Famer.
Eeep.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Dan Kelley, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. 

And Happy Birthday to Czech supermodel Veronika Vařeková. Všechno nejlepší k narozeninám!

6/12/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Big Day here.
Big Day there.

Lou thinks the first pitch home run was a bad way to start the homestand.

What if the Red Sox Twitter account changed their pfp for Pride Month to a zesty pic of Freddy Lynn, would that be okay?

When I was an opinion on an athlete’s ability to be athletic, I go straight to the two guys who can’t ride on an elevator together.

Dave O’Brien talking to Whitlock and his bionic arm and giving him “congratulations” on his birthday. Aspy!

Retinaculum? Damn near killed him!

If by ‘thriving’ you mean pulling in less revenue than the NBA G League last season, your players constantly bitching about low pay, bad accommodations, and having to play in Russia in the offseason to make ends meet, then yes, the WNBA was absolutely thriving before Caitlin Clark arrived.

Half of the crew in one of America’s most enduring movies were from Boston. Ray Bolger (Scarecrow) was a Dot guy. And Jack Haley (Tin Man) was born in Boston and grew up in Newton.

Trolls profit when you pay them with your attention.

Cakes are cooking for Marv Albert, Bun E. Carlos, Terry Alderman, Timothy Busfield, Jenilee Harrison, Mark Calcavecchia, Rod Latham, Derek Higgins, Paula Marshall, Gwen Torrence, Ryan Klesko, Hideki Matsui, DJ Qualls, and Jrue Holiday.

“We head back to Dallas,” they keep saying. That’s weird, as the series hasn’t been there yet.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

The NBA Finals will go at least 4 games and at most 7 games. Only 2 games have been played. That means there is at least 50% of the Finals yet to be played and up to 71.4% remaining. So, nobody should be concerned with who the 2024 NBA Finals Most Valuable Player yet.

RIP Chet Walker. You ain’t been up-faked until you’ve been up-faked by Chet “The Jet” Walker.

And then there’s Jerry West. He will be looking up and smiling at the Lakers all next season.

Seeing as CapFriendly’s days appear to be numbered (at least as a free site), I’d expect @PuckPedia to do what CF did after CapGeek’s pioneering run ended and fill the void. Can be the digital version of Williams to Yaz to Rice.

It’s been so long since the #Celtics clinched the ECF that I think Tatum retired and Deuce is starting at the 4.

Shukri’s life demonstrates the power of taking calculated risks.

I love the idea of “Yacht Rock.” But every time I turn it on, it’s more like “Every Song From 40 Years Ago That You Couldn’t Change Fast Enough Back Then.”

Looser orifice? Jerod Mayo’s mouth or Karen Read’s ‘balloon knot?’

I had some cilantro rice last night and enjoyed it. What a cocksucker I turned out to be.

Are we supposed to know what a Funko Pop is?

Tough for the USMNT to get the talent it needs with all the kids playing cricket nowadays.

Hey gang of pillheads, this Week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Leave her alone, NYP.”

Aaron Rodgers is skipping all of Jets mandatory minicamp this week because he prefers to be somewhere else away from football. That’s his choice.

Dart Adams didn’t get a New England Emmy Award for the Bell Biv DeVoe at Fenway Park Special?

To the good, the WCVB Eye Opener Team won a local Emmy, but then so did The Phantom Gourmet and Charlie Moore the Mad Fisherman.

This team of chokers has a Celtics franchise record for most consecutive playoff wins.

Creep don’t sleep.

Is all of Rhode Island under construction? Disgusting.

Wherever you go, I’ll be with you.
Whatever you want, I’ll give it to you.
Whenever you need someone,
To lay your heart and head upon.

Remember, after the fire, after all the rain,
I will be the flame;
I will be the flame.

Who knew that Turtleboy fans were so sensitive about salty language? The MSP, they’re cops, not fops.

So many young ladies with numerical surnames.

Honk if you remember Chick Corea.

A good college basketball coach at a big school can stay there 25, 30, 40 years. I don’t know that that happens too often in the NBA.

Make a series of it, willya Edmonton?

We get it, Coach Mayo, the bad man is gone, so let’s do some performative charity work. Hey, the team has all summer to learn those fourteen word play calls, right?

Deuce Tatum is like Benjamin Button, but instead of aging in reverse, he just keeps getting whiter.

Nice stupid tits, Ashley; those will age well.

Sorry to hear Jonathan had another box factory emergency to attend to and missed the festivities later today.

I enjoy all length of socks.

if I was a horse I’d be down on my fetlocks praying Mut doesn’t bet on me.

Winning on the opponent’s floor wouldn’t be bad, Celtics.

Best bet for the weekend: a confusing Father’s Day at Clint Eastwood’s.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Dan Kelley, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Let’s gooooo!!!

And Happy Birthday to Brazilian supermodel Adriana Lima, who would probably never marry and then divorce a famous athlete. Wait, what?

5/30/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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ECF MVP. OK. FCHWPO.

Did they fire Mazzulla yet? They’ve got a week to find a real coach.

Solid effort PWHL Boston. Get ’em next go around.

Is Zach Cox still trespassing at Gillette?

Bill Walton. Aw, man. Sad news. Second member of 1986 Cs to pass away.

Sox in worse shape in Baltimore than the Francis Scott Key Bridge is.

Nick Cattles should strive to be one-tenth as entertaining as that ChatGPT feature about him was.

Why is everyone ignoring Ant’s ability to force a Game Seven?

“You flail at 100% of the takes you don’t verbalize.” – Mark Dondero. Probably.

Cakes are cooking for Barry Clifford, P.J. Carlesimo, Stephen Tobolowsky, Colm Meaney, Jake “The Snake” Roberts, Ted McGinley, Kevin Eastman, Wynonna Judd, Billy Donovan Jr., Adele Dazeem, Manny Ramirez, Je’Rod Cherry, Marissa Mayer, Jordan Palmer, and Sam Baker.

Josef Newgarden proved once again he’s Penske material at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway.

They actually said that Angel Hernadez is retiring ‘to spend more time with his family?’ lol.

Hey Cattles, Jess Moran could probably use some help on her food truck. Still a Y especially if she brings a lobster roll for later. I’d reweave the netting on her lobster traps, heh heh. I may be doing this wrong.

Cedric Maxwell had to present the Larry Bird trophy? Oof.

If Emilee Dennis let Rotillo hit it we wouldn’t have the RSLO clothing line.

I would’ve liked to smoke some gay weed with Bill Walton.

Boston goalie Aerin Frankel with 41 saves. Crowd chants, “Frankel, Frankel, Frankel” at the game’s end.

Scottie Scheffler chose the high road.

Orange Line Reminder: Through June 6 No Train service between Wellington & Back Bay for bridge and track work. Use Buses between Wellington & North Station. Use Green Line between North Station & Copley. Use Commuter Rail Haverhill Line at North Station, Malden Center & Oak Grove.

BC Women’s lax are your NCAA champions.

The Cape Cod Times is looking for a HS sports reporter. This has the potential to be a great gig for an early 20-something looking to break in.

Alex Karaban is returning to UConn.

Fans of a .500 team overreact to every win and loss. A good team, you know you can’t win them all; a 100-loss team, you get used to it. A .500 team, emotionally you’re as good as the last 24 hours.

I forgot to listen to the Johnston, Roche, and Cattles Holiday Fill-in Show!

Karl Anthony Towns is the worst all-star in the league.

Hey gang of male feminists, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Nobody works harder than women in sports.”

More resumes should say “34DD.”

Holiday is who everybody convinced themselves Smart was.

Game 3 of the 2024 Eastern Conference Finals should forever be referred to in history as Jrue’s Non-Covid Illness Game.

Home track win for Chuc Leclerc at the Monaco Grand Prix.

When the Celtics fail to execute in crunch time, they’re losers. When their opponent fails to execute in crunch time, they should’ve won! got it.

You say that you love me (say you love me)
All of the time (all of the time)
You say that you need me (say you need me)
You’ll always be mine (always be mine)

I’m feelin’ glad all over.
Yes, I’m glad all over.
Baby, I’m glad all over.
So glad you’re mine.

Have fewer electrical outlets. And have more furniture blocking access to the few there are.

I can draw up inbounds plays that don’t work too. Just sayin’.

Lonzo Ball says he had to get a new meniscus from a donor because of how severe his injury became.

Honk if you remember the TV movie, Brian’s Song.

I don’t know Ma, what do you think they serve at “Just Salads?”

Thinking heavily of Bill Walton, Tommy Heinsohn, Red Auerbach, KC Jones, and Sam Jones tonight as the #DifferentHere Boston #Celtics punch another ticket to the #NBAFinals.

Trop Pants! > $80 Pants

I could watch Pop Douglas run routes against air all day. The No. 3 looks good on him, too.

Bradley Beal has a son named “Deuce.” Makes you think.

Have Goodman and Perk ever done a podcast together? The universe would implode in a singularity of stupid.

Friendly reminder to be nice to your veterinary staff on holiday weekends.

I can’t be the only one who saw that woman take her jersey off behind the Dallas Stars bench.

Best bet for the weekend: Oliers & Panthers advance to The Cup.

Makes you think.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Dan Kelley, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Rock the Casbah.

And Happy Birthday to tech CEO Marissa Mayer-hold on, I’m being told this is actually model Marissa Miller. Well, the picture stays.

5/1/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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The only Mayday we recognize here.

Every quip on Twitter by a broad talking about what an Uber driver “said” to them is made up. Every single one.

What if the Toronto Polar bear has a humiliation fetish? Way to kink shame.

Dave O’Brien still can’t stop talking about a pitcher’s tempo even though there’s a pitch clock.

Jayson Tatum is Tatuming.

So we have one eyeshadow guy that likes the Patriots draft thus far, and one that hates it.

Maple Leaf Square should be renamed “Staple Loss Square” with how many times the Leafs get their lunch handed to them by the Bruins in the playoffs.

Did SkyCrepers pull out of sponsoring the Rich Keefe All Night Draft Party?

Brad’s going to trade that Executive of the Year Award for two second round picks and then turn those picks and an expiring contract into a 2027 first.

Cakes are cooking for Frank Beard, Rita Coolidge, Joanna Lumley, John Woo, Jerry Heard, Douglas Barr, Paul Teutul, Sr., Dann Florek, Ray Parker Jr, Nick Feldman, Dick Swett, Eddie Johnson, Steven Cauthen, Gary Clark, Yvonne von Gennip, Tim McGraw, Yael Arad, Bryan Marchment, Wes Anderson, Alex Van Pelt, Stuart Appleby, Curtis Martin, Wes Welker, David Backes, Ryan Matthews, Marcus Stroman, Anfernee Jennings, and Charli D’Amelio.

I’m sure Durant will be happy on the next team he goes to.

Hey gang of supplicants and courtiers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “You sound like a bafoon.”

I ain’t calling some other dude Kool-Aid.

Oatmeal raisin cookies are the identity thieves of the cookie world. From a distance you think they’re chocolate. Adrenaline spikes in anticipation of chocolatey morsels and that refreshing swig of ice-cold milk. Then you get nearer and realize you’ve been bamboozled. Crushing!

Are the rappers fighting again?

The smartest thing to ever come out of Lucy’s mouth is Curtis’s dick.

Folks, this should probably be pretty self-evident, but, for the record; I have 2FA enabled on literally everything I have setup in my life (which alerts me to login attempts or resets). Please, do not violate the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act of 1996. I will report it. K? Thx.

WEEI fired Kadlick the day before the Draft Party. You’d have to have a heart of stone not to laugh.

No Bron-Bron?

What’s this about Coach Mayo having a mural of himself depicted as a centaur installed in Gillette?

Red Line Reminder: May 2-10 Shuttle buses will replace Red Line service all day between Park Street and JFK/UMass due to track work. Shuttle service extends to Ashmont after 8:30 PM each day through May 9.

Aloha means goodbye. Norman Esiason, Aloha.

Marquette WBB junior wing Lee Volker has withdrawn her name from the portal.

Them Red Sox, they could continue to surprise!

We as a society do not give enough credit to the Reese’s Take 5 as one of our most superior candy innovations.

“Brainteaser” stumping everybody on Wheel of Fortune is a little too on the nose.

I won a really snazzy record player at an event for my grammar school. Which is really cool but now I need to buy records. Thinking ‘Nebraska’ or ‘Born to Run’ for my first purchase. Feels like a whole new world – straight back to my childhood.

The others were untrue
But when it came to lovin’ you
I’d spend my whole life with you
‘Cause you came and you took control
You touched my very soul
You always showed me that
Loving you was where it’s at
You made me so very happy
I’m so glad you came into my life.

Thank you baby.
Yeah yeah-yeah.

I don’t know, is Chicago even allowed to have a good non-Jewish quarterback?

Honk if you remember Francis Gary Powers.

Woke up the other morning and my wife left me a post-it saying, “Vontae Mack no matter what.” Ooops. Sorry. Eyes blurry. It says, “Pick up dry cleaning.” Draft day!

What’s the deal with all the crane flies this spring?

I hope Kendra keeps this same energy when one of her 98.5 co-workers inevitably says something racist. Again.

I used to ride an electric scooter to and from train stations commuting for work so I get the appeal of them. But these people now who have scooters to get from the garage to the job LITERALLY ACROSS THE STREET is peak laziness.

Being a Leo is great because anytime I’m accused of wanting attention I’m like, yeah literally astrologically I feel no shame about that.

Genuine Merch!

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Remember — it’s okay to ask for help. You sad little nancy.

“EDGE” is not a position. It’s called defensive end.

No one has the right to call Nick Cattles an idiot. Everyone has the responsibility to call him an idiot.

Jose Ramirez is fascinating, because he doesn’t look at all like one of the five best players in baseball, but he is. He doesn’t look like he would be fast, but he is. Sort of in the Rick Reuschel/deceptive body class.

The Heat have signaled they want to quit. Finish them, Celtics.

Conversely, Uber drivers make up stories about things sportswriters tell them.

Where are all the yellow seats, Dale? Reinstall them!

Best bet for the weekend: The Patriots doing something cringe on Cinco de Mayo.

The Aggregator Vanishes.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. And I can’t get away. To Live and Die in L.A.

And happy birthday to actress Joy Harmon, who you may remember from this scene in ‘Cool Hand Luke’.

4/24/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Busy sports night tonight. And tomorrow!

So, you see, Boston is a city in the United States, which is a different country than Canada, where Toronto is located.

Robert may have yappa-yappa-yappa’d himself out of a spot in the HoF this year? You hate to see it.

Was that foul on Tatum by Martin an example of Heat Culture?

You can win a hockey game scoring only two goals, but you’re more likely to lose.

In short, go to Pittsburgh to catch a game or two. Stay at a hotel where you can walk to the park, see a few museums, stroll around. You’ll have a fine time.

Bobby Orr has looked exactly the same for forty years.

You don’t have to actually watch the Pat McAfee Show, you can follow one of those transcription services. Alex Barth, for example.

Zach Wilson getting traded to the weed capitol of the US is an absolute meme.

Pavel Zacha for Erik Haula – Sweeney’s deal with the Devil(s).

Hey Kevin Maggiore ..Bruins better win this series ..because if they don’t ..they will be consequences

Dave McCarty, he’s with La Schelle Tarver now. RIP to both.

Cakes are cooking for Shirley MacLaine, Rob Hyman, Eric Bogosian, Vince Ferragamo, Michale O’Keefe, Stuart Pearce, Cedric the Entertainer, Dino Radja, Omar Vizquel, Stacy Haiduk, Todd Jones, Ken Klee, Chipper Jones, Lee Westwood, Kelly Clarkson, and Ashleigh Barty.

The lady who plays the lead in those The Nun movies must be freaking stoked when they announce another sequel.

So Gregg Doyel made a fool of himself? What is this, 2015?

The New England Revolution strengthened their backline on Tuesday after trading for 2019 MLS Cup winner Xavier Arreaga from Seattle Sounders FC in exchange for a 2025 international roster slot and up to $75,000 in cash.

Congratulations to Tim ‘Sarge’ McKane on the permanent third banana spot middays.

High stick! Wrong thread.

Hanging off the side of a 20-story building grinding metal in the rain. This is the kind of thing I chose to get good at in life

Blue Line Reminder: Through April 28 Shuttle Buses replace service between Airport and Wonderland due to track work.

A lonesome death? Either multiple people beat the life out of him, or his girlfriend ran him over. Either way he was surrounded by people. And perhaps a dog.

Hello Gang of car petting baggers! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “It’s stupid and frankly gross.”

If I were a goose I’d be a mute one. Honking is so embarrassing.

One other thing about Hubie Brown: anyone who has attended a Hubie basketball clinic or lecture has come away spellbound.

You think Mike Silver still thinks about kissing Wendy Peffercorn?

Rooting for the Red Sox these days is kind of like driving an old beater that you never get serviced. It runs great for a few days, and then something happens, and you have a week of borrowing your brother’s truck.

Father Time Stumped The Schwab.

FYI: Ham salad from Brentwood NH is worse than any bologna I’ve ever had. Just saying.

Instead of ‘doggos’, just say dogs. It’s shorter.

Memories
Light the corners of my mind.
Misty watercolor memories
Of the way we were.

Scattered pictures
Of the smiles we left behind.
Smiles we gave to one another,
For the way we were.

Ever wonder why bread can be in a plastic bag but we can’t pack groceries in plastic bags?

RIP Lawrence M. Krause III.

Working in sports = never not working.

You’ve gotta be a little nuts to be a beekeeper. There isn’t enough money in the world you could pay me to do that.

Not nearly enough people played Horizon Zero Dawn.

Honk if you remember Argeo Paul Cellucci.

Paul Bissonnette is blacker than Deuce Tatum. What?

Liz put me on to Chappell Roan and idk if it’s the ADHD but I‘ve barely listened to anyone else since.

Ryan Poles on if he’s ready to declare Caleb Williams the Bears 1st overall pick: “We know what we’re gonna do, but everyone’s gonna have to wait until Thursday.”

If you have two black swans…

Sal? Don’t worry about him. He’s living in upstate New York, with a nice, loving family on their engagement farm. Plenty of room for him to run around and cancel people!

Carb loading only sounds like fun until you actually have to do it.

I was listening to the Sox game the other night and one of the sponsors is Chock Full o’ Nuts coffee. Like, what the fuck year is this?

Best bet for the weekend: Messi-Mania!

It’s going to be great when he doesn’t play because of the turf.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. People who need people. Are the luckiest people in the world.

And Happy Birthday to actress Melinda Clarke.

3/21/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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It’s funny because it’s more bear costume-y than a regular hat.

I’m surprised Shohei Ohtani wasn’t aware that Asians love gambling.

The Celtics would have won by more if either or both of the Antetokounmpo brothers played last night.

Pastrnak has 19 career hat tricks? What a Good Kid he turned out to be.

You can tell by how the guy dribbles before taking the shot if random college basketball player X will drain the free throw.

Why wouldn’t a guy with a history of beard girlfriends also believe in ‘crisis actors?’

Put the Swifties in charge of finding out the truth about Kate Middleton. They’ll have the entire thing sorted and a song written about William inheriting the lying-n-cheating gene from his father before the Eras Tour streams.

What kind of maniac puts peanut M&Ms in cookies?

Aloha means ‘goodbye’. Aloha, Trent Brown.

Cakes are cooking for Tom Flores, Timothy Dalton, Gary Oldman, Lynn Mabry, Slim Jim Phantom, Matthew Broderick, Al Iafrate, Kenny Bräck, Large Professor, Vitaly Potapenko, Marit Bjørgen, Ronaldinho, Franck Perera, and Adrian Peterson.

Love the info. Did a freshman year speech class…speech on that stuff. Very complex. (may have worn IRA sweatshirt as kid)

Red Line Update: Delays of about 25 minutes due to an earlier disabled train at Alewife.

Turtleboy out there saying you shouldn’t harass strangers on the internet because it’s a miserable way to go through life. Okay.

Mike Williams is signing a one-year deal worth up to $15 million with the Jets, per source.

Sweet potatoes are so yummy.

Former Red Sox catcher Oscar Hernandez signed with the Staten Island Ferry Hawks of the Atlantic League today.

A lot of LLCs file in Delaware because of their corporate laws.

That new Husky dog mascot UConn has looks psychotic. Maybe the pup needs to grow into his face a bit.

311 makes Sublime looks like N.W.A.

Hey gang of good listeners! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “He could give aspirin a headache.”

I was the first person in my school (and possibly a much wider geographical area) who had Pogs. My cousin from Hawaii brought them on a visit like a year before they hit the States in full.

The Big East is 0-3 in the NIT after day one.

Since the MLB season stated last night, should I assume that the President was there to throw out the first pitch?

Fun Fact: Kirk Herbstreit’s dog hates him.

Please make a note that the Toucher & Hardy ‘March Flatness’ bit about small-breasted celebrities has been stealth-edited into ‘March Plainness’. Evidently multiple of the contestants are breast cancer survivors. I’m sure 98 point Finn is halfway thru his expose.

Did you know Pat Spencer played lacrosse?

I do enjoy a Fanta Orange on a hot summer day occasionally.

We’re coming up to Greg Hill’s seasonal best ratings period, the ‘My car radio was tuned to WEEI because I was listening to the Red Sox game the night before.’

Tapas, yum.

Read, Karen-ST, S 5’5″, 130 – limited athletically due to stiff hips which hinder her backpedal and driving ability. Wood Hauler’s ass not conducive to defensive backfield play. Big hitter who will kill you if she catches you in open road but tackling ability isn’t strong enough for in the box play. Too slow in coverage to have impact at next level.

Could we have kippers for breakfast?
Mummy dear, Mummy dear?
They got to have ’em in Texas,
‘Cos everyone’s a millionaire.

I’m a winner, I’m a sinner;
Do you want my autograph?
I’m a loser, what a joker,
I’m playing my jokes upon you,
While there’s nothin’ better to do…
Hey!

My cousin and her boyfriend just went to Brazil. He shows up to Sunday dinner, plunks down on the couch next to me and asks if I wanna look at his vacay pics. I point to the tv and said “no.” It’s Selection Sunday. Please. What’s with these people?

Vermont 4 Lexington 3. It’s a Cupset!

Bill Simmons reportedly producing Boston Celtics docuseries for Max.

Aaron Rodgers quitting the Jets to run for VP for the crackpot independent candidate married to Cheryl Hines is by far the best way to conclude CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM, kudos to Larry David for drawing this up.

Honk if you remember Hason Graham.

My two favorite Red Sox pitchers working in split squad games, both on TV. Bello is such a pleasure to watch pitch; always has been, from his first major league start. Tanner Houck is the guy I most root for, although sometimes it’s like rooting for a turtle to cross the road.

Why was Dart Adams excluded from the We Are the World documentary?

College basketball superfans are so weird. You’ve got 100 TV’s; one can be spared for golf and the group of people actually tipping their bartenders.

Real ones know to get the Kielbasa Reuben at Richard’s Grinders in West Springfield.

A five run first inning? Not the worst thing to ever happen to a Yamamoto.

We see it every year: a March Sadness competitor upping their game after they lose their matchup.

I heard Zach Edey just had another growth spurt and he’s 7’10” now.

Curt can’t make it for the Opening Day Ceremony, he’s getting his Luftwaffe uniforms let out that day.

Best bet for the weekend: Brackets. Ruined.

Hey, Ho! Let’s go!

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. One Two Three Five!!

And Happy Birthday to Czech tennis player Karolína Plíšková.

3/6/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Caitlin NMI Clark. Now the all-time leading college basketball scorer. And she did it with a foul shot. Fundamentals!

I’m trying to convince myself that was a scheduled loss for the Celtics, but it feels like a regular loss.

Are the Bruins back on that Overtime foolishness again? I thought we cleared that up last month!

Red Sox might consider just painting BOSTON on the bottom of the AL East standings part of the Green Monster scoreboard. Save an employee some time fiddling with the signs.

I have no worries about the draft. After receiving a few hours of training at the insurance company, Coach Jerod has created a four tab spreadsheet for the draft. He’ll share it with the friendly media at the next beer summit of forgiveness.

Caitlin Clark is going to play for some Panini team in Italy? Weird.

Cakes are cooking for Marion Barry, Ivan Boesky, Cookie Rojas, Kiri Te Kanawa, Hugh Grundy, Martin Kove, Richard Noble, Kiki Dee, Rob Reiner, Eddie Deezen, Tom Arnold, Sleepy Floyd, Carla McGhee, Moira Kelly, Shaquille O’Neal, Greg Ostertag, Ken Anderson, Erik Bedard, and Tyler, the Creator.

How was Episode 5 of The Dynasty not titled ‘Do You Have Any Cassels?’

The way Stilgar was talking about Paul is basically the way Nick Wright talks about LeBron.

Hey gang of engagement farmers! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Every time I look at this bitch, I expect her to start belting out ‘Under the Bridge’.”

A UCL injury for Giolito? Can’t eat innings with one of those. It’s like a busted jaw.

You know, sometimes, imposter syndrome is correct.

Little known fact: Tommy Lister’s famous character Deebo is based off a story Ice Cube heard about a man named ‘Bill the G.’

Is there any available wall space that the Japanese don’t advertise on?

What do you mean there was no three-point shot when Pete Maravich played? This changes everything.

What’s your favorite album with a hidden track over 3 minutes and 32 seconds after the final track?

I believe that Jeff Howe believes he’s fighting a courageous battle.

Orange Line Reminder: March 9-10 (This weekend) Shuttle Buses replace service between Forest Hills and Ruggles for signal work. Commuter Rail service will be free to ride between Forest Hills, Ruggles, Back Bay, and South Station.

Does Bill Simmons think Doncic is Serbian?

Hard to think of a family that has had more bad luck of late than the Wakefields. Thoughts to Trevor and Brianna, who are left to go on without their mother and father far too soon.

The O.J. Simpson case was covered by great crime writers like Dominick Dunne and James Ellroy. The Read case has autistic freaks and unemployable delinquents. Just a murderers’ row of ‘tards.

One Kelce down. One to go.

Mark Dondero is worried that the Celtics might lose one out of every 12 games in the playoffs.

It’s the time of the season
When love runs high
In this time, give it to me easy
And let me try with pleasured hands

To take you in the sun
To promised lands
To show you every one
It’s the time of the season for loving

What’s your name? (What’s your name?)
Who’s your daddy? (Who’s your daddy?)
(He rich) is he rich like me?
Has he taken (has he taken)
Any time (any time)
(To show) to show you what you need to live?

Tell it to me slowly
Tell you what
I really want to know
It’s the time of the season for loving.

For the record, I think kombucha tastes absolutely terrible. Unless it makes me immortal, I don’t think I’m going out of my way to drink it again.

With Matthew Slater retiring, it looks like Jabrill Peppers is the new fan favorite of the returning group. A great choice.

Get your servers in order, men of DraftKings.

Jordan Montgomery is now widely believed to be wearing on the last nerve.

Honk if you miss Jimmy Orthwein.

Watched May December last night. That’s two hours of my life I’ll never get back. Movie is just empty, has nothing to say, no insight into its characters, no action. BAD.

Wait another ten years and Bill Simmons will know about gas station kratom!

A: Scissors, duct tape, elastics.

Is it me or Pizza Hut isn’t as good as it used to be? Like it’s alright but I feel like it’s not as good as it was.

That Sydney Sweeney has a certain je ne sais quoi. Perhaps two.

The two most famous Mickey’s in America are Mickey Mouse and Mickey Mantle.

No, Ryan Mallet was decidedly unavailable.

Do you know what Kate Middleton did the last 14 years of her life? Counterintelligence. Kate’s gone. There is no Kate.

Hearing from multiple sources that some trades may happen on trade deadline week.

Blitzing my way through the Apple TV shows after signing on for The Dynasty, and those twunts on Ted Lasso and Slow Horses say twat all wrong!

Back-to-back threes put the Celtics back in control versus Golden State. Bob Ryan must have hated that.

Have fun in Mid-America, UMass. Or something.

Did they dedicate a picnic table to John and Gerry down to Spring Training?

Congratulations to Captain Brian.

Rigor Mort?

Best bet for the weekend: YOU forgetting to set your clock ahead.

Mix it up with The15’s elite Elk Cavalry at your peril.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Old Friend BBtL, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Handle with care, the digital ink is still wet on this edition.

And happy birthday to actress Connie Britton, of Spin City, Friday Night Lights, and Nashville fame.

2/07/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Both the bar & grill and its namesake are now gone.

With his third DUI arrest, Pat Mahomes Sr. now qualifies as a branch on the Andy Reid family tree.

I wonder how much ownership stake it took for Theo Epstein to agree to be a human shield.

Sick of the BS from the zebras with Marchand again. The entire team can’t get a call because he’s the Captain and was an asshole ten years ago.

Any time you can rig the Super Bowl for a media market smaller than Hartford, you gotta do it.

If you can’t spot the Dan Greenberg of your group chat, then you’re the Dan Greenberg of your group chat.

Cakes are cooking for Rolf Benirschke, Emo Phillips, Carney Lansford, James Spader, Garth Brooks, Chris Rock, Sully Erna, Alex Bassi, Robyn Lively, Steve Nash, Ashton Kutcher, John Leicester, Matt Stafford, and Steven Stamkos.

What am I going to do with all of my extra Bluesky codes now?

Gary Kubiak went the Clemens & Kardashian route of having all his kids names start with K? Gross.

Chris Curtis was excited to announce the news of Carl Weathers passing. RIP.

So they stuffed all the media covering the Super Bowl into the Luxor, which is apparently a dump? Good.

If you have two Patrick Passes, you have none.

Red Line Reminder: Through February 14 Shuttle buses replace Red Line service all day between Alewife and Harvard, due to track work. Shuttle service extends to Park St after 8:45 PM each day. Regular service will resume on February 15.

Would you rather be Nemo from Finding Nemo or the shark from Jaws?

Usher is finishing up a 2-year residency in Vegas. Assumed it was at the Circus Circus buffet.

I’m disappointed in Dumb Donkey Noise.

Bill Clinton’s presidency ended 23 years ago…. and he’s still younger than the two current candidates.

The ‘Ruth Gordon’ IG filter was a bad idea.

Felger must be wondering now if that’s also a fake Gene Lavanchy leaving things at his house.

It would be nice if wrestling fans could just let a story play out instead of thinking they should get instant satisfaction crammed into every 3-hour Raw or 2-hour Smackdown.

Put more jelly on your toast.

News Item: Red Sox to be 1st MLB team featured in all-access Netflix documentary series.

I guess my sarcasm doesn’t always translate.

Hey glow-up gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “She’s lovely, just an enormous waste of humanity.”

I know I’m old and out of loop musically, but if someone is really “iconic,” I really think that even I should have heard of them.

Eric Bieniemy must be the worst interviewee in the world.

1,100 bats seems like a lot of bats.

You can’t use ED to mean ‘eating disorder!’ Those initials are spoken for!

Taylor Kyles can’t keep talking about reviving Mac Jones. He just can’t.

Red Sox Nation is still accepting applications to its in-house tortured poets department.

Get well soon Bill James.

Lombardi bringing up Lee Harvey Oswald at every possible opportunity is a funny bit.

You know I love the ladies
Love to have my fun
I’m a high life flyer and a rainbow rider
A straight shootin’ son-of-a-gun (Alright)
I said a straight shootin’ son-of-a-gun.

Joy to the world
All the boys and girls
Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea
Joy to you and me.

Shukri Wright is owed $46,394.30 and he’ll never find out.

Toby Keith wanted to add Riblets to his Bar & Grill menu; it fell to Upton Bell to inform him that Applebees Owns Riblets.

Honk if you remember Paul & Al’s wacky Claiborne Pell.

Imagine being turned down by Nick Caley, of all people, while you jet off to the Grammys?

Bankrupt Audacy didn’t sent any WEEI talent to broadcast from Radio Row? Weird.

I ain’t calling no grown man, ‘Bronny.’

One week from today Red Sox pitchers and catchers will be holding their first official work out in Fort Myers.

Monique needs to go breathe in the woods.

I wonder if Apollo Creed was based on any real-life pugilist?

Extremely telling and problematic that in sports there are only stats for how many points you scored. No stat for how many spirits you lifted. How many hearts you warmed.

Best bet for the weekend: Tie: Swifties on FlightAware/The Drake Curse.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, BSMW Poster Lebron, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Jeremiah was a bullfrog. He was a good friend of mine.

No shadow so that means an earlier Bianca picture than normal.
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