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04/02/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on April 2, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*Soon. A little home cookin’ is what this team needs.*

It’s never a good sign when your publicity stunt is initially thought of as an April Fool’s Day prank.

Officially tuning into Devers at bats like it’s Sosa-McGwire.

If it is the University of Denver, why do they go by DU? That doesn’t make sense. What am I missing @DU_Pioneers?

I just paid $7 for a loaf of bread. I hate it here.

Starting to believe the Red Sox might actually need THE BUTCHIE.

All baseball bats are torpedo shaped.

Flexing the gift card in the photo like it’s an Audi key fob.

I feel like people who grew up without money save things for a rainy day. And it’s really an unfair system.

‘Dan Campbell but he grew up further away from power lines’ is a tough sell for me.

Cakes are cooking for Reggie Smith, Emmylou Harris, Ayako Okamoto, David Robinson, Juha Kankkunen, Christopher Meloni, Keren Jane Woodward, Clark Gregg, Bill Romanowski, Greg Camp, Tammi Reiss, Roselyn Sanchez, Pedro Pascal, Adam Rodriguez, Rory Sabbatini, Michael Fassbender, Jeremy Bloom, Yung Joc, Jesse Plemons, Quavo, and Zach Bryan.

I’d like to think Parcells has as much use for a red jacket as Belichick does for an AFC championship trophy.

Isaiah Stewart needs like a hug or a role model or something.

MBTA CR – Greenbush Line trains will experience severe delays due to police activity on the right of way in the Cohasset area.

All the best hitting coaches tell you to flare your elbows, be as rigid as possible, and slide forward with every swing.

I can tell I’m turning into a curmudgeon because I hate almost every internet “trend” or gimmick or whatever. Like this dude with his ice and his banana can fuck off. I just get irrationally angry whenever I even see a banana near some ice water now.

Irons is just mad I got a free Big Gulp yesterday morning.

Original Mystique?! The chairs are cooking now!

Pretty, pretty good road trip, Celtics.

Jack Clark hit the second most impactful home run of the 1980s. Prove me wrong..

Richard Chamberlain was the Wilt Chamberlain of gay guys.

A team secretly made new bats? This like the 1983 America’s Cup all over again!

Can you brandish anything other than a weapon?

Hey now, you’re an all-star
Get your game on, go play
Hey now, you’re a rock star
Get the show on, get paid
(And all that glitters is gold)
Only shootin’ stars break the mold.

Needy Kraft gets the attention he craves, the local media gets their hero Duane shoehorned (tracksuited?) into the Pats HoF, it’s a Win-Win-Lose!

I once forgot to wear my shoes in the house and was limited to only five vacation weeks that year.

Honk if you remember Dennis Conner.

I know it has been a long time and nobody cares, but there is no way in hell Kevin Mitchell was more valuable than Will Clark in 1989.

NEWSMAX debuts on the New York Stock Exchange and Bianca isn’t there to ring the bell? Outrageous!

A: Store brand.

Jeff Howe still hasn’t broken the Stefon Diggs news.

Irons is just mad that his teeth aren’t the color of roasted almonds.

Why does Bill Simmons pronounce it “Mim-phis?”

I’m just saying stop bothering us with your life-altering family tragedies.

Best bet for the weekend: a #1 seed winning. Or two!

*BdlG saved her points for a rainy day.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I grew up lower middle class.

*Happy birthday as well to Serbian fitness model Jelena Abbou.*

02/26/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on February 26, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

“Teddy ‘Cancer Face’ O’Neil was once one of the most feared men in South Boston. Now, however, with his body worn down from a 35-year battle with melanoma and lupus, he discusses what it was like to be a member of the Winter Hill Gang.”

I say the Competition Committee should reach a compromise: ban the Tush Push but keep The Brotherly Shove.

Walking around Montreal during/after a blizzard is a great workout.

Do birds like cheese?

They might have support groups for those who listen to spring training baseball on the radio.

Garden crowds are the best.

Let’s be real. The Canadian flag would make for a terrible bikini.

St. John’s is the best hoops team in New York.

A belated R.I.P. to figure skating legend Dick Button. He is survived by his partner, Clit Zipper.

Cakes are cooking for Bill Duke, Mitch Ryder, Michael Bolton, Connie Carpenter-Phinney, Joe Mullen, Dave Palone, J.T. Snow, Meeno Peluce, Sasha Danilovic, Erykah Badu, Jenny Thompson, Marshall Faulk, Chad Urmston, Corinne Bailey Rae, Katherine Hull Kirk, and Li Na.

The first a capella “Sweet Caroline” of the year always gets me.

Dan Lifshatz and Kendra Middleton have the chemistry of a Hollywood producer and the young actress he violates on the casting couch.

Hey gang of haters, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I’m gonna go ahead and take the under.”

Patrick Schwarzenegger is on ‘The White Lotus?’ Any relation?

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while Signal personnel perform maintenance between Maverick and Airport. Trains may stand by at stations.

Bill Simmons invented the documentary.

Imagine being mad the NY Yankees did away with their stupid appearance policy.

In the future, everyone will be Ted Sarandis for fifteen minutes.

Matthew Stafford’s exploration of his market value the last few weeks has indeed attracted significant interest from teams, notably the Raiders and the Giants, per sources. Teams are anticipating the Rams will now be driving up the asking price if they decide to move him.

Statistically, Nelson Cruz and Giancarlo Stanton are pretty much the same player.

The Oscars have to be the Super Bowl for Twitter.

Who’s has more fatalities since 1975: SNL cast members or Pittsburgh Steelers linemen?

Shout out Portugal!

The Yankees will no longer play Frank Sinatra’s “Theme from New York, New York” after losses, the club confirmed. Instead, there will be a rotating selection of songs — Sinatra’s “That’s Life” was played today.

Wearin’ her perfume, Chanel no. 5
Got to be the finest girl alive.
She walks real cool, catches everybody’s eye.
She’s got such good lovin’ that they can’t say goodbye.
Not too skinny, she’s not too fat.
She’s a real humdinger and i like it like that.
She’s the devil with the blue dress, blue dress, blue dress,
Devil with the blue dress on.
Devil with the blue dress, blue dress, blue dress,
Devil with the blue dress on.

Sixers have like four guys going with the Frederick Douglass cut.

Honk if you remember Margo Adams.

Johnny Cash is overrated.

Does Pete Blackburn have the Little Sads?

I was kinda hoping Diana Taurasi would delay her retirement announcement long enough to deprive another player deserving of a spot in the next Olympics.

The 4 Nations Face-off? A cute, fun tournament, but doesn’t compare to the Miracle on Ice.

Dan Hurley knows he can shut the fuck up every now and then, right?

Also, Jay Glazer has devolved into a Dick Tracy villain or the henchman of some megalomaniac.

Emily Kaplan, is she Amish?

Everyone look at Gronk. He needs attention.

I can handle a couple seasons of a rebuild, Bruins. Do what you gotta do.

Best bet for the weekend: more load management for Cooper Flagg.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Because you’re mine. I walk the line.

*And a happy birthday to Aussie actress & model Teresa Palmer.*

II/V/MMXXV Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on February 5, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*The Super Bowl media workroom is located in Row D of the Superdome parking garage*. *Heh heh.*

I bet State Farm told Dallas they had to trade Doncic to the Lakers.

Points man Pasta is still a Good Kid.

Dale would drive 2 hours for a meatball, MegO goes for pizza from Star Market near the TDGarden – weirdos.

This Jaden Springer trade could haunt the Celtics. I can’t help but be reminded of when Harry Frazee traded da Babe!

I can’t beieve the Grammys forgot that dead guitar player from Whitesnake and Tygers of Pan Tang. So disrespectful. Also, Justin Tucker is no longer welcome at the Tigers of Pan Tang Spa.

Celtics recent failures are not the fault of the head coach according to Kristaps Porzingis “ Mazzulla” s doing everything he can to help us.”

Lebron has fucked so many teammates you’d think he plays in the WNBA.

Hey Lays, when can we finally get your ketchup chips here in Massachusetts? Going to Canada for them gets expensive.

A honk-less Truck Day. Sad.

As Valentine’s Day is coming, be aware that fragrances are heavily faked. If you want to be safe, buy direct, from retailers (Macy’s, Sephora, Ulta) or well-known discounters (Jomashop, FragranceX, FragranceNet, FragranceBuy).

WEEI should have just sent its unwanted on-air employees to Radio Row in New Orleans, and just never brought them back.

Imagine shaking your spouse awake (when you have sick kids!) to tell her your favorite basketball player got traded.

Cakes are cooking for Don Cherry, Larry Tamblyn, Nolan Bushnell, Charlotte Rampling, Darrell Waltrip, Barbara Hershey, Errol Morris, Nick Laird-Clowes, Jane Geddes, Tim Meadows, Duff McKagen, Jim Pugh, Laura Linney, José María Olazábal, Chris Parnell, Roberto Alomar, Bobby Brown, Sara Evans, Brian Moorman, Adam Everett, Cristiano Ronaldo, Laurence Maroney, Reed Sorenson, and Neymar.

A BU vs. BC Beanpot Tital Game? That hardly ever happens!

It’s crazy to think that if Luka were any fatter he’d be working at Atamian Honda.

The Milwaukee Bucks are trading Khris Middleton, AJ Johnson and a pick swap to the Washington Wizards for Kyle Kuzma, Patrick Baldwin Jr. and second-round draft compensation, sources tell The15.

I hear Mrs. Ted will be watching the Big Game at the MEMA Bunker. For reasons.

Red Line Reminder: Feb 8 – 9 (this weekend) Shuttle Buses replace service between JFK/UMass and Braintree for signal upgrades. Commuter Rail will be fare-free between South Station & Braintree.

Beyoncé has won 33 Grammys. And I know one song by her.

Hey gang of fed-up football fans, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “look at all those meat-faced cretins.”

Justin Tucker will be fine, Ray Lewis killed a guy and they gave him a statue.

A self-serving unverifiable statement from Kyrie Irving you say?

If we’re very good, maybe all the hugely hyped Super Bowl ads will be seen online before the game!

Forbes Magazine listed America’s Most Generous Philanthropists for 2025, and no surprise here, # 1 on the list: Doug Meehan.

A Salvation Army band played
And the children drank lemonade
And the morning lasted all day
All day

And through an open window came
Like Sinatra in a younger day
Pushing the town away
Ah

Ah-hey-ma-ma-ma
Dee-doo-din-nie-ya-ya
Ah-hey-ma-ma-ma
Hey-y-yah
Life in a northern town
Ah-hey-ma-ma-ma-ma

Nobody ever disappears in the Bermuda Triangle anymore.

Muffins are funnier than cupcakes.

No one “wins” the off season. The off season is just guesswork. Sportswriters claimed the Angels won the off season 10 times in a row, with Rendon, Shohei, Pujols, Torii Hunter, Josh Hamilton, Andrelton Simmons, etc. They never won anything; they just spent money.

Not for nothing Big Baby, but healthcare fraud is a very white crime.

Why is there an Eagles fan in the Big Y commercial talking about it’s too bad all our teams aren’t still playing?

Honk if you remember which TV show debuted after Super Bowl XVII.

Vice’s “Belichick or Brady” show? Dumb premise, but hagiographic for both of them, with nary a mention of Kraft. A welcome departure from last year’s Apple TV+ documentary.

Mike Zunino, who was really a pretty good player, last played in 2023, and left with a career batting average of .199. He is the first player ever to retire with 100+ career home runs and a batting average under .200. Joey Gallo will become the second.

Do you think Kyle Kuzma hates being called “Cooze” like Dr. Cusamano did?

Teams that have won the turnover battle in the Super Bowl have a 39-7 record.

What organization accredited Rich to go to the Soupey and pretend to still be media? ‘Sports?’ ‘Plain Black Mic Flag?’

Imagine being on yet another unearned vacation and obsessing over lost Twitter followers.

You think Upton Bell has never been in a Cadillac?

Standing Headline: Red Sox Free Agent Target Signs Elsewhere.

Best bet for the weekend: underwhelming advertisements during The Big Game.

*Easily worth double that amount today.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I don’t need permission, make my own decisions. That’s, that’s my prerogative.

*And happy Birthday to actress Nora Zehetner.*

01/22/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on January 22, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Congratulations to the Ohio State Football team for being the first six seed to ever win the National Championship Tournament.

Kirk riling up the useless Patriots beat writers into frantic activity is hilarious.

If Ted Johnson thought he had CTE before, just wait!

It’s Washington D.C. vs. Philadelphia in a battle of cities in which I don’t want to stop at red lights. And for NFC supremacy!

It’s funny because there was a television show also called Drake and Josh. No, wait, That’s actually not funny.

You’ve got the football acumen of Andy Hart, Ted Johnson’s sense of humor, and Fitzy’s encyclopedic knowledge of Beantown! What can go wrong?

Lifshatz had the Ainge deal days ago, bro.

Worst Irish ass kicking since the Easter Rising back in 1916.

Cakes are cooking for George Siefert, Steve Perry, Teddy Gentry, Karen Moe, John Wesley Shipp, Steve Riley, Linda Blair, Jeff Treadway, Stojko Vrankovic, DJ Jazzy Jeff, Diane Lane, Steven Adler, Ecaterina Szabo, Guy Fieri, Olivia d’Abo, Alex Ross, Bucky Brooks, Balthazar Getty, Chone Figgins, Ben Moody, Willa Ford, Jason Peters, Ben Eager, Leon Powe, Greg Oden, and Caitlin Clark.

The Bruins gutted out and won that MLK Day matinee to honor Willie O’Ree.

Ryan Day looks like Arby’s in human form.

If Jeff Howe gets one more fake malady he’ll turn into a white broad, forced to scroll WebMD for all eternity.

Herbstreit crying in the booth is embarrassing.

Hey gang of WX’ers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, ‘Cold enough for ya? Hey; at least it’s not snowing!”

Al Qaeda is funnier and has less turnover than EEI afternoons.

What can I say about Tom McVie that those that knew who he was, and what he did haven’t already said? RIP.

Kirk Gibson cleared it and landed at the far end of the lumber yard across the street.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

Can you OD on antidepressants?

The Celtics struggling against bad teams but then beating a good (if depleted) Golden State squad doesn’t concern me because there probably won’t be many bad teams making the playoffs.

‘Puka Nacua is the closest thing to Jesus Christ I will ever see in my lifetime.’ -Middsy Middleton

E-L-G-S-E-S!!

Why am I being told I cannot attend Medical School in Canada?

Time is quickly running out for teams with vacancies to pounce on proven commodity Jerod Mayo.

The only thing Mark Daniels has ever broken is poor Bill Bendetson’s heart.

“I don’t love all the Josh McDaniels screens” should be met with a Lacey Underall, “I was really getting tired of having fun all the time.”

Skeleton Crew wasn’t Andor or early Mandolorian (and it wasn’t trying to be), but it was easily some of the best Star Wars content we’ve gotten in a very long time.

I want to start a GoFundMe for Mike Lombardi to get a proper haircut.

Bring Romeo Crennel out of retirement for DC! If he’s still alive.

‘Executive Vice President of Football Business’ always sounded like Jonathan made the title up on the spot.

Albert Breer has more arrests than he has broken stories.

Live, baby live
Now that the day is over
I got a new sensation
Mmm, perfect moments
But so impossible to refuse

Sleep, baby, sleep
Now that the night is over
And the sun comes like a god
Into our room
All perfect light and promises

Got a hold on you
A new sensation (a new sensation)
Right now
It’s gonna take you over
A new sensation (a new sensation)

Puns used to be the lowest from of humor, until the advent of the ‘same name!’ gag.

MegO went from Jonesy castoff to Celtics insider. She knows things.

‘Brady vs. Belichick: The Verdict.’ That sounds like a sensible use of my finite time on Earth.

Select 2025 Red Sox single game tickets are on sale this week!

Ryan Day looks like what you’d get if Lou Merloni and Dakota from Braintree had a kid.

Congratulations to John Karalis for announcing that he is transitioning in this current environment. Stunning and brave.

Ben Johnson has dull, lifeless eyes, like a doll’s eyes.

BBWAA ballot reveals and my eyes roll back so far they landed 565 feet away.

Honk if you remember R. Budd Dwyer.

Baseball without Bob Uecker is kind of like a birthday cake with no frosting.

Vrable is the new Bellycheck.

Jeff Darlington misusing a program intended for low-income families pays $2.10.

All of Kendra Middleton’s rebuttals to people disagreeing with her are just calling them unfuckable pussies. Way to raise the bar for women, Steinem.

Best bet for the weekend: the former NFL official on the broadcast team agrees with the on-field call.

*‘So long Robyn. We’ll always have the memories. And this new mural.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Rag Mama rag, I can’t believe its true. Rag Mama rag, what did you do? I crawled up to the railroad track. Let the 4: 19 scratch my back.

And Happy Birthday to Brazilian supermodel Raica Oliveria.

01/08/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on January 8, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

So long, Coach Mayo. Congratulations on a job, done.

The Patriots are interviewing Mamadou Ndjaiye for the head coaching position tonight from 8:00-8:05.

Bruins need a shakeup.

Dianna Russini is getting scoops left and right while Jeff Howe is having fake mini strokes and manifesting moles.

What weird thing will Jerry Thornton tweet out today?

Man, the Bills have become the smart franchise, and we have become the Bills. We’re teetering on becoming the Jets.

I know all he’d talk about is fashion and Broadway musicals but would Gasper satisfy the Rooney Rule?

So this Joy Whatever apparently fucked her way to the top of the Women in Sports ladder, and I had never heard her name before yesterday? And she had a real “in sports” gig and completely set the movement back 50 years by sleeping her way in. Brava, Joy.

Remember that thing Phil Perry did? No? Exactly.

Only the best and brightest people analyze professional wrestling.

Cakes are cooking for Shirley Bassey, Bob Eubanks, Boris Vallejo, Little Anthony, John Podesta, John McTiernan, Harriet Sansom Harris, Mike Reno, Rey Misterio Sr., Chris Marion, Hiromi Kobayashi, Michelle Forbes, Willie Anderson, Ami Dolenz, Brian Johnson, Paul Carey, Jeff Abercrombie, Billy Joe Hobert, Jason Giambi*, Brandie Burton, Vitali Yachmenev, Rachel Nichols, Jeff Francis, Gaby Hoffman, Kim Jong-Un*, Jeff Francoeur, and Cynthia Erivo.

Covid did away with the ‘bag your own candy’ section of the supermarket.

Watched Wicked last night and it was a blast. The 2:40 running time flew by. Couldn’t believe Ariana Grande was that friggin’ hilarious. The songs were killer. And the themes were universal like they were in TWoO. Definitely have a re-watch in the future.

‘New England had the worst roster in the league!’ is a thing people are just saying now, like, ‘Miami has a population of 17 million people.’

Green Line E Branch: Delays of about 15 minutes due to a disabled train at Ball Square. Trains may stand by at stations.

Tactical spork!

Skip Bayless running the ol’ Ernie Boch Jr, “Boy oh boy do I love having hot, penis into vagina sex! With women!” play.

Hey gang of functional illiterates, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Why they ain’t been did it?”

Michael Vick was the greatest running QB ever. He also might have as the strongest arm in the league. I saw he Tear two defensive players ACLs on one play.

If you really wanna get your blood boiling on a Saturday, go to COSTCO first thing in the morning.

Joy having a bunch of thirst trap picture is great too, because every time the “in sports” people get called on that they pretend one thing isn’t related to the other.

I fondly remember going to see dozens of highly-touted Red Sox draft picks flounder at McCoy.

The best bang for anyone’s buck at the grocery store is a box of microwave popcorn. Tell me I’m wrong.

My blood pressure has dropped 50 points since I decided to (metaphorically) embrace Upton instead of hating him.

“Joy, because of you, my son wants to be a woman. In sports.” – Magic Johnson

Provolone makes up 2.5% of the cheese produced in the U.S. with 370 million pounds of provolone made in 2023.

When the best player in the world is just across the bridge, you get your ass to the barn.

Dude, it’s VrabEL.

Jerod Mayo. When you need a win he loses and when we need a loss he wins. It’s like he’s working undercover for another NFL organization!

Bootlegging boozer on the west side
Full of people who are doing wrong
Just about to call up the DA man
When I heard this woman singin’ a song

A pair of 45s made me open my eyes
My temperature started to rise

She was a long cool woman in a black dress
‘Bout a 5’9″, beautiful, tall
With just one look I was a bad mess
‘Cause that long cool woman had it all.

I applied self-tanner yesterday and it’s very mild but oh man am i so back baby i wasn’t depressed i just was pale.

Mean ol’ Bill better not leaved all those HS seniors and collegiate student-athletes in the lurch!

Loved Nosferatu. Didn’t love spending $6 on a bottle of water.

There are people who actually purchased Bailey Zappe Patriots jerseys…you know who you are.

I had a grilled cheese and a PB&J smoothie for dinner. Truly living the best life.

Honk if you remember Larry Storch.

If you’re going to be one of these smarmy in sports cvnts you cannot look like a Star Wars background character.

“Peanut butter skin” is a phrase I’ve never heard before.

The Patiots placement near the top of the 2025 Draft order opens many interesting scenarios given the high probability of them trading back to fill multiple needs & and also staying open to a variety of trade proposals—including for name players that other teams need to be move for cap reasons.

Pro Tip: Don’t wear that tan suit from your wedding in your business profile pic.

Where does that Rear Admiral get all that energy?

Bob Veale was kind of the National League’s Sudden Sam McDowell. Both were BIG, left-handed fireballers who were wild enough to make you nervous, same era, and Pittsburgh/Cleveland. Veale was probably a hair better than Sam, but a lot the same.

Bob’s a liar, Jerod knew.

That’s two trash days in a row it was too windy to put the recycling bin on the curb.

Does Vrioni even speak French?

I’m glad they gave that nice Katie Nolan another chance to grab the brass ring.

Best bet for the weekend: Mahomes doubtful for the bye week with a nagging injury.

*Is Coco Higgins available to be interviewed for any and all NFL head coaching vacancies?*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Don’t step on my blue suede shoes.

*And happy birthday to child actress & now musician Jenny Lewis.*

12/26/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on December 26, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

The Celtics can’t just have an off-game or not play their best. Any loss is an indictment of their system and the coaching that goes into it. Like the Dynasty Patriots when every win was a formality, and every loss was a referendum on the team’s legacy. It’s fucking tiresome. They lost by 4, so chill the fuck out and shut the fuck up. This team is fine.

Rickey doesn’t like this talk about Rickey being dead. Hopefully someone tells his John Olerud story again.

My favorite Shaq endorsement is printer ink.

Say what you will about Craig Breslow, but a guy who spends his Christmas Eve searching for Mickey Gasper trade partners is a guy I want running my baseball team.

Milt Pappas is a great name.

So the late and bafflingly lamented Bunky Donaldson was a negative piece of shit even during the most impressive dynasty in team sports history? Good guy! He will not be missed in this quarter, despite his savant-like ability to ‘phone a restaurant and make reservations.’

Mina Kimes providing *significantly* more insight and information than RGIII and Teo is really tough for the “you have to play football to analyze football” crowd.

Pneumonia is psychosomatic.

You can have a turnover-prone running back and win games. You can have a turnover-prone quarterback and win games. But it’s tough to win games having both.

I’ve had a theory since I was a kid but I’ve never known if it makes any sense, but it’s that the sharp/crisp sound of the audio of movies in theaters is meant to subliminally make you want to buy popcorn because of how crisp popcorn sounds when you say it.

Cakes are cooking for John Walsh, Carlton Fisk, Chris Chambliss, Ozzie Smith, Peter Woods, David Sedaris, Gail Tatterson, Karen Smith, Adrian Newey, Temuera Morrison, Lars Ulrich, Tim Legler, Jared Leto, Ryan Berube, Tiffany Brissette, Tony Brackens, Chris Daughtry, Kit Harrington, and Lucille Burdge.

Also, is it just me or are popcorn ceilings designed to make you reflexively say, “did you finish?”

Getting my period tomorrow and sobbing after two drinks today because Randy Moss doesn’t have a super bowl ring.

Wait, what?

Dickie V is going to Beetlejuice his cancer back.

Newburyport Train 146 (7:54 am from Newburyport) is cancelled due to a mechanical issue. Passengers will be accommodated by Train 148 (8:49 am from Newburyport). Passengers between Beverly and N Station may also consider Train 106 (8:13 am from Rockport).

I’m trying to figure out what ‘Sopan Deb’ is an anagram for.

Stormy Buonantony can’t be real.

Orlando and Philadelphia going with the old Pistons the end theory. Just foul every play. They won’t call them all.

I don’t have Netflix so I can’t watch football.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Nothing good ever comes from fucking around with a white girl.”

not even a full hour after everyone left did i start taking down my christmas decor. not because i was sick of it, but because the post christmas depression is too real.

Lobsters aren’t fish.

I’d like to know more about the welding school gap year.

When the literal sound of unclean audio is best explained by the word POP you might need to huddle up and run it again, stupid.

I had a dream last night that I met Sylvester Stallone and his wife. His hair was kinda blonde, which was surprising, but all I wanted to do is tell him how big a fan Kirk Minihane was of his and how the Rocky movies were some of his favorite movies (as if that was some big revelation). He was a great guy (duh!) and I was about to take a photo with him so I could share with you all on X, but then I woke up damnit. I swear I didn’t even take a gummy before bed. But alas, here’s to a very Merry Christmas to Sly and Kirk as well!

The name “Bregman” means a person who lives near a river or stream. So I’m sure the Charles would work in his favor.

Fun Fact: Bruins defenseman “Terrible” Ted Green set NHL penalty record of 3 minors, 2 majors & 2 game misconducts in a game against NY Rangers in NY’s Madison Square Garden on this day in 1968.

Have you ever met anyone that watches Charlie Moore?

I get all the rapes and pedophilia at Happy Valley, but what an atmosphere going on there during the college football playoffs.

Every time I read Shalise Manza Young’s name I hear Jose Feliciano saying it to the tune of Feliz Navidad:

Shalise Manza Young,
Shalise Manza Young.
She’s not with her family
she’s in Foxboro,
watching Patrick Chung.

Shalise Manza Young.
Shalise Manza Young.
Shalise Manza Young
She went into the baño,
Oh, what have they done?

I want to wish you a Merry Christmas,
It’s just a shame when somebody pisses,
On the seat where the chica sits-es,
And then the crust from the Pizza Huuuuut!

Walker Buehler feels like an excellent addition for the Boston Red Sox. I hope their new starters from Vanderbilt (Buehler) & Tennessee (Garrett Crochet) can get along in Boston.

Tony Brothers looks like someone tried to Grok “Black Pete Abraham.”

Had a Buffalo Chicken Wrap for lunch, could have used more blue cheese tho.

Honk if you remember the last time there was a White Christmas.

Six-time NBA All-Star Jimmy Butler prefers a trade out of Miami ahead of the Feb. 6 deadline according to league sources.

19 pitchers in baseball history have finished the season with exactly 10 wins and 18 losses. The first pitcher ever to do that was Ned Garvin, with the Cubs in 1900. The last pitcher to do it was Jerry Garvin, with the Blue Jays in 1977.

Beyoncé should have had to rope a calf.

I swear a lot of American pro sports teams have teenagers running their social media accounts.

Travis Kelce sounds like he’s trying to make up for Mahomes’ lack of blackness.

Best bet for the weekend: white boy Ladd McConkey.

*Did Mina ask to be dressed like an anime villain? If so: nailed it.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I’m your dream, make you real.

*And a happy Boxing Day birthday to English singer Jade Thirlwall, formerly of Little Mix, which could be a band, or a village.*

12/18/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on December 18, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Bill’s going to quickly learn that you do not simply walk into the JMA Wireless Dome.

Pasta. Such the good kid.

Garrett Crochet is a Red Sox. Can he also DH?

In a serious country Jerod Mayo would be beaten with hammers.

This might shock you but Bill Simmons has a dumb idea for solving a problem that doesn’t exist.

The Red Zone waiting countdown music sounds like a Pokemon Tournament.

A broken unemployed loser is right twice a day.

It’s awful the Celtics offensive philosophy has led to more than four times as many wins as losses.

Cakes are cooking for Jacques Pépin, Keith Richards, Steven Spielberg, Elliot Easton, John Webster, Brian Orser, Brad Pitt, Charles Oakley, Steve Austin, Tommy Davidson, Bob Corkum, Casper Van Dien, Joe Randa, Rob Van Dam, Arantxa Sanchez Vicario, Neil Little, DJ Lethal, Peter Boulware, Trish Stratus, Katie Holmes, Christina Aguilera, Fernando Jara, Ashley Benson, Barbora Krejčíková, and Billie Eilish.

Ty Cobb was born today too. He was set in his ways.

“Van Pelt didn’t even know I insulted him!” isn’t as compelling a defense as Jerod Mayo thinks.

My feed is dominated by lists and polls, probably because I’ve interacted with a couple of them along the way. The AI somehow got the wrong idea and thinks I want to go steady. I mean, when a baseball site wants my opinion on Larry vs. LeBron, you know X has gone off the rails.

Hey gang of beta males, this week’s Phrase that Pays is. “Yeah…I’ll type hashtag alpha, that’ll show him.”

I just bought 4 Austin Blaske jerseys for the family.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes due to a disabled train near Wood Island. Trains may stand by at stations.

“Chapel Bill.” Get it? Get it?

Pat Chung; bad boyfriend, great player and teammate.

In 2018, 2019, 2022 and 2023, Alex Bregman had more walks than strikeouts. Last year his walk rate dropped by 50%, K/W rate was 2-1. How do we explain that?

News Item: Iowa women’s basketball announced Caitlin Clark will see her number in the rafters on February 2, 2025.

Mayo thinks he’s reassuring people by telling them he talks to the owners multiple times a day.

Football Overlord? Is Charley Casserly available?

I want everyone here to read Football Cat’s NFL Picks or else risk winding up on the Naughty List.

Substitution, mass confusion
Clouds inside your head
Involving all my energies
Until you visited
With your eyes of porcelain and of blue
They shock me into sense
You think you’re so illustrious
You call yourself intense

It’s an orangy sky
Always it’s some other guy
It’s just a broken lullaby
Bye bye love
Bye bye love
Bye bye love
Bye bye love-ov-ov-ove.

Calling the doctor’s office or pharmacy and selecting the healthcare provider option is my toxic trait.

Food Fact: While the cut for a standing rib roast is often referred to as “prime rib”, the USDA does not require the cut to be derived from USDA Prime grade beef.

These drones are a fucking IQ test and we are failing.

The UVM coach can finally shave his mustache.

Love the fire departments lighting trees on fire to show the dangers of real trees, maybe even more than when they blow the hands off mannequins with M80’s in advance of the Fourth of July.

That bitch is puffy.

Honk if you remember who the survivors were from The Dirty Dozen.

Bill finally got PEPPAHS.

I’ll never understand companies like Coca-Cola & now Target using polar bears to try to sell stuff. They will 100% eat the face of any marketing target they encounter. They don’t care if you buy [whatever]. We’re their food, if given the chance. Who thought that could be cute?

Why couldn’t Time Magazine have named the entire WNBA the Athlete of the Year?

The Hess Truck can’t possibly be back and better than ever every single year.

Mac Jones may need to be placed in a medically induced coma.

I wonder if Navy Football calls that fake punt they ran in the win over Army a ‘Jap play.’ Probably not.

Enjoy your stupid Emirates NBA Cup, Milwaukee.

Best bet for the weekend: parking wicked far away from the mall.

*Vermont Catamounts. National Champions. Pretty neat.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. You’re not the only one with mixed emotions.

*And happy birthday to Mythbuster’s Kari Byron.*

11/27/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on November 27, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Jaylen is so ripped watching him guard fatty Harden makes it look like he’s guarding Shukri Wright.

The Red Sox were in on Snell. Okay.

If you were one of those folks who took it upon themselves to put a bunch of campaign signs all over the place, I genuinely appreciate your dedication to democracy, no matter whom you backed. But it’s been a week. Go clean up your deal.

If Bill was still working for the Krafts there’s no way he’d be allowed to print in color.

Good showing, RIFC. Get ’em next time.

He’s actually a great guy, great dad, great coach. I’ve watched him break up potential fights before they happened. So instead of 2 dads spend the weekend in prison, Greg controlled the situation. He is a very nice man and a pillar of the community, he volunteers his time.

When my mom knows the Patriots’ personnel better than the offensive coordinator something is very wrong (Granted, she’s also a diehard who rocks a Hannah jersey, but still…)

You can tell that Civian hates all the unwanted attention she gets, because she continually seeks the unwanted attention.

Cakes are cooking for Kathryn Bigelow, Curtis Armstrong, Bill Nye*, William Fichtner, Caroline Kennedy, Mike Scioscia, Steve Oedekerk, Charlie Benante, Mike Bordin, Fisher Stevens, Robin Givens, Fiachna O’Braonáin, Garry Valk, Nick Van Exel, Jon Runyan, Martin Gramatica, Chad Kilger, Jaleel White, Jimmy Rollins, Ricky Carmichael, Alison Pill, Lashana Lynch, and Omar Jimenez.

Yams and sweet potatoes are interchangeable and don’t let anybody tell you different.

Right-hand catching goalies always look like they’re playing with borrowed equipment haha. But Askarov having nice debut for SJ.

Did you see Football Cat’s Picks? Well why not?

I know this is simple math, but doesn’t Hardy-Weinberg equilibrium follow from expansion of the generating function (p*x + q*y)^2? Allele frequency remaining constant follows from renormalization, as expected number of x alleles is 2p and y alleles is 2q.

If you consider the old Browns and the Ravens to be the same franchise, then all 32 NFL franchises have spent at least one week in last place of DVOA since 1979.

Blue Line Update: Normal service has resumed between Wonderland and Orient Heights.

Is Sacco up to the awesome responsibility of coaching the Centennial Game?

Kadlick/Kyles is the new Paxton/Pullman.

Is Frosty Bias on Bluesky? I need assurances that I’ll be reminded daily that Reggie Lewis and Len Bias are dead.

Hey gang of amphibious Spaniards! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I would tongue that ass til I tasted Fall River.”

I am not a Christmas girlie, but having siblings with kids makes it way more fun.

News Item: Bertucci’s is debuting a brand new concept, and its first location will be in Boston.

How am I the least chill guy on Twitter?!

Man, it seems like the Lions and the Cowboys play EVERY Thanksgiving!

After all the jacks are in their boxes
And the clowns have all gone to bed
You can hear happiness
Staggering on down the street
Footprints dressed in red
And the wind whispers
“Mary.”

All the suckers getting to the airport early means you can get there 55 minutes before your flight leaves.

Honk if you think Ted Williams should have won the 1941and 1947 AL MVP Award.

Sam Kennedy would like you to know that the Sox are just so darn disappointed Snell decided to go with another offer but that coming this spring to America’s favorite ballpark you can get a Guy Fieri smash burger and a cup of New England’s favorite Legal Seafood chowder for only $89!

ESPN putting out playoff rankings every week that are 100% meaningless and using that as an excuse to do a segment where Paul Finebaum yells about it is terrorism.

Does the Herald still run ‘Clip’ Callahan’s HS football article every Thanksgiving?

Bit of a stumble out of the gates for UConn MBB.

Is Bill James okay?

Breaking: Daniel Jones to sign with Vikings’ practice squad after release from Giants, per sources.

Best bet for the weekend: Open Newbury: Holiday Stroll! Join us for car-free shopping and holiday fun on Sunday, December 1, and Sunday, December 8. Fun!

Anyone who false starts is *a Patriots offensive lineman. Anyone that commits holding is a well-disciplined Patriots offensive lineman.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, BSMW‘s Lazslo Panaflex, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. You want it all, but you can’t have it (yeah, yeah, yeah) It’s in your face, but you can’t grab it (yeah, yeah, yeah)

*Jeanne Crane and friend wish you a Happy Thanksgiving.*

10/30/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on October 30, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Monday was really more a Sports Syzygy than a Sports Equinox. IMO.

Guys, here’s some inside info, Patriots media has been getting pizza for decades. Usually on Wednesdays. Only in season.

That Freeman cat has to be the odds-on favorite to win World Series MVP.

No pressure Bruins, but there are hundreds of young ladies on social media who have tied their mental well-being to your win/loss record.

I just read Taylor Mathis for the articles.

I’m not sure it’s fair or ethical for Shams to use his contacts in the ISI to break NBA news.

Imagine running someone over and getting to grift via Vanity Fair. White bitches have the easiest life.

Cakes are cooking for Grace Slick, Otis Williams, Henry Winkler, Timothy B. Schmit, Harry Hamlin, Charles Martin Smith, Mario Testino, Shanna Reed, Kevin Pollak, Danny Tartabull, Mark Portugal, Michael Beach, Gavin Rossdale, Quin Snyder, TY Detmer, Masanori Hikichi, Snow, Ben Bailey, Dino Philyaw, James Pedro, Nia Long, Patrice Tardif, Ian Snell, Ivanka Trump, Trent Edwards, Thomas Morgenstern, Ashley Graham, Nastia Liukin, Marcus Mariota, and Cale Makar.

Headline: Cryptobros Con Curvaceous Clod

Mel Brooks is going to outlive everyone who was in his movies.

I think if they give Aaron Boone a few more years he’ll finally figure it out.

Did you guys hear Pritchard played pick up with some random kid?

The WNBA going to a seven game finals next season really opens up the field for some devastating knee injuries.

Red Line Update: This delay has cleared.

A player who drives in 100 runs in a season will drive in runs in 60-61 separate games, on average. On the other hand, a player who scores 100 runs in a season will score a run in about 75 games, on average.

I really don’t know what I’d do without Doughboy being open 24 hours. We must protect that establishment at all costs.

Taylor Mathis went full Allbright.

Hey gang of malignant narcissists! This week Phrase that Pay is, “Do our WORD mean anything anymore?”

Just had an EPIC 30 minute ride with my son. Nice back and forth. He started with someone named Playboy Carti(not a fan). I countered w/Biggy. He went Lil Uzi (a fan), I went Tu PAC. He came back with Future(a fan). I closed him out with Ice Cube.

Rumor: Jerod Mayo is being brought on as Kirk Minihane’s new producer.

After Henson replaced him against Notre Dame, Tom put the lyrics to Crash Into Me in his AOL away message.

I hate gay halloween what do you mean you’re a complete piece of shit?!?

Cashman having the job for life is kinda wild. I mean I would have been fine letting Bill have it for life, but how do the Yankees keep a GM that hasn’t won in 15 years?

Tony Brothers should never officiate another game ever again.

I bet I would be the best-looking dude at my high school reunion if they had bothered to invite me to it which they did not.

Where are all the Ted Sarandis voters, caller?

Am I the only person who likes Rockstar’s game design, even if it is outdated? I play Rockstar games for their specific experience, which no other developer does for me. GTA. Bully. Red Dead. You play them for the Rockstar experience.

I miss Taylor’s terrible gambling advice. And her boobs.

Look at us baby, up all night.
Tearing our love apart.
Aren’t we the same two people
Who lived through years in the dark?

Every time I try to walk away.
Something makes me turn around and stay.
And I can’t tell you why.

All the best criminals hire professionals to dispose of evidence 18 months after the crime in full view of the public.

Fun Fact: the world population reached three billion in 1960.

No, because it’s a random Tuesday night and I’m sobbing thinking about how the Celtics arguably needed to trade Marcus Smart to ultimately go on and win the Championship, but it just seems so unfair he couldn’t be there to win one with them.

The vampire bat has a scary name but does much good, eating up to twice its weight in vampires every year.

Dudes don’t have birthday weeks.

Do you think someone could solve the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum heist if they increased the reward money to, say, fifty times the current amount?

Honk if you remember The Rumble in the Jungle.

News Item: Red Sox hiring Rays director of predictive modeling Taylor Smith to a high-ranking front office role, likely as an assistant GM. Gas up the duckboats, boys!

Bert Breer thinks I’m using ‘I’ and ‘me’ too much this column.

Please get up, Taylor Hendricks.

Every Yankee fan looks like the third drawing in the ‘evolution of man’ procession.

Was someone clamoring for a Gladiator sequel?

Best bet for the weekend: you gaining an hour of sleep.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Emo Phillips, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Don’t you want somebody to love? Don’t you need somebody to love? Wouldn’t you love somebody to love? You better find somebody to love.

*And happy birthday to French actress and model Clémence Poésy.*

10/9/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on October 9, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Swayman had got his contract signed. Our short, regional nightmare is now over.

Thank God the Patriots made the Maye announcement on Tuesday. It would have been a shame if the Texans didn’t have a full week to prepare.

Be careful out there, Floridian friends.

Peppers has made $34MM in his career and rents an apartment in Braintree? He should be cut for that reason alone.

“Hey, can I ruin your photo?” – ‘Fitzy’

Luis Clemente Tiant Vega; taken from us too soon. Cigars and a crazy wind-up. He was called, ‘El Tiante’, which means, ‘The Tiante.’ Rest in peace, amigo.

Do the Mohegans have a legend about a wily Lynx defeating the Sun? Maybe they should.

It’s not Giancarlo’s fault! Bob Costas is basically what everyone always said Joe Buck is.

So the Manning’s spent time wondering if Matt Patricia had a special pencil that worked on a laminated play sheet? Another chess move by Bill.

Cakes are cooking for Nona Hendryx, Jackson Browne, Brian Downing, Richard Chaves, Sharon Osbourne, Tony Shalhoub, James Fearnley, John O’Hurley, Scott Bakula, Don Garber, Ini Kamoze, Michael Paré, Mike Singletary, Trevor Matich, Guillermo del Toro, Dwayne Sabb, Polly Jean Harvey, Annika Sorenstam, Kenny Anderson, Brandon Pollard, Dexter McCleon, Steve Burns, Sean Lennon, Nick Swardson, Brian Roberts, Henrik Zetterberg, Marie Kondo, Jacob Batalon, and Ben Shelton.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes due to a signal problem at Wood Island.

I just got beeped at in drive thru line at Doughboy. It’s rather concerning if the general public no longer understands the concept of a drive thru line.

It’s almost like choosing as Belichick’s heir apparent a man whose post-playing career talent ceiling is ‘casino greeter at Plainridge’ was a bad idea.

Veal Parm is the greatest of Parms for Subs.

Hey gang of incurable romantics, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Everyone knows that the portion of the brain used for critical thinking is markedly less developed in women, honey.”

I’m fine with it not being tonight and surprised Goldberg wasn’t getting that Saudi check versus Gunther, but you gotta pull the trigger on Sami, Great matches with Gunther, Cody, Roman all as challenger. The Sami Hogan shit is corny. Put the belt on him in the next 12 months

It’s 2024, don’t get offended if I tell you i won’t eat your dish made with Rao’s or Ragu jarred sauce. it’s not that serious. I don’t like it, you cannot change my mind. I am sure you are a wonderful cook. it’s not personal

First they came for William Bendetson, and I said nothing…

Someone should ask Mayo if he knows he can make these decisions without consulting the press.

I have a peck of apples to eat from last weekend!

What do you call “imposter syndrome” when it’s not a syndrome?

Tasing is lame. Just shoot him.

Vegans and people from Texas; They’re going to shoehorn that fact into every conversation in any way that they can.

Look, he’s crawling up my wall.
Black and hairy, very small.
Now he’s up above my head.
Hanging by a little thread.

Boris the spider.
Boris the spider.

Now he’s dropped on to the floor
Heading for the bedroom door.
Maybe he’s as scared as me.
Where’s he gone now, I can’t see.

Boris the spider.
Boris the spider.

Just when I thought D daddy bald daddy NBA champion daddy White couldn’t be any cooler. I need this hoodie of him tucking in Tatum’s best friend the Larry O’Brien Trophy into bed immediately

The world does need Rat Shovelers.

The Kraft’s have their team back. It’s an awful, irrelevant team, but hey, it’s theirs!

Honk if you remember Dean Smith.

When the Red Wings fans throw an octopus onto the ice, the team either needs to have a player leave the ice or they get called for a too many men penalty.

Joe Kelly is the modern Moe Drabowsky.

Yaaaaa Sully … Mayo’s got a plan, kid, yaaaaaaaaa!

A: Nothing, she’s already been told twice.

Few things are more annoying than when the referees constantly delay the game by making unnecessary “Delay of Game” calls. Hold up the game 20 seconds because the snap was a half-second late.

Drake Maye’s lifelong dream is about to come true and Greg Dickerson thinks he should be depressed.

Best bet for the weekend: someone earns their True Yankee pinstripes.

*Where did Mayo get these captain’s patches, Needful Things?*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Creepy, crawly, creepy creepy crawly crawly.