The Sports Junk Drawer | The 15

Category Archives: The Sports Junk Drawer

07/30/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on July 30, 2025 by scartsy15 One comment

Critical day coming ! Major League Trade Deadline Thursday at 6 pm !!!

The Tanya Ray Fox getting laid off news is great because her entire personality is “I have the job you wish you had.”

Al these celebrity deaths…damn you 2020!

Revs trying to get Matt Turner back? Ivacic is whatever but he’s like the 7th or 8th problem on the team.

Ryne Sandberg. RIP. Only guy to spell Ryan worse than Rusillo.

I hope Brian Scalabrine remembers to mention discovering Cooper Flagg on every NBC Sports & Peacock basketball broadcast.

So the shooter guy, he’s mad about the brain damage, he comes to the city to shoot Goodell, but then he takes an elevator to the wrong floor because of the brain damage. It’s like O Henry wrote a Seinfeld script.

I assume a wig falls of in a WNBA game 3-4 times per game.

Cakes are cooking for Sid Krofft, Bud Selig, Buddy Guy, Paul Anka, Jimmy Cliff, Jeffrey Hammond-Hammond, Arnold Schwarzenegger, William Atherton, Jean Reno, Frank Stallone, Ken Olin, Delta Burke, Bill Cartwright, Clint Hurdle, Kate Bush, Laurence Fishburne, Jay Feaster, Chris Mullin, Lisa Kudrow, Monique Gabrielle, Jürgen Klinsmann, Vivica A. Fox, Terry Crews, Christopher Nolan, Christine Taylor, Tom Green, Hilary Swank, Justin Rose, Hope Solo, Yvonne Strahovski, Kevin Pittsnogle, and Joey King.

Orange Line Reminder: This weekend, August 2 – 3. No Train service between Wellington & Back Bay due to signal work. Use Buses between Wellington & North Station. Use Green Line between North Station & Copley

Little League announcers tend not to harp on errors.

People don’t die in threes—they just get counted off in threes by people who say, “It always happens in threes”.

Lenny DiNardo is the best dressed man in sports analysis.

Bert Bell warned people about CTE back in nineteen dickety-two.

Hey gang, this Week’s Phrase that Pays is, “So she’s a full-on prostitute now, right?”

My poor lawn is the color of a Triscuit.

One of the biggest gambles in life is going to a different barber when yours is on vacation.

My day has been made. Just heard “Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor on the Bedpost Overnight?” on Sirius XM.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

Nothing makes you feel young quite like pregaming in a hotel.

Maybe Tanya Ray thought ‘Mass Layoffs’ meant getting laid off while she was back in Massachusetts?

Honk if you remember Welch’s grape soda.

Driving and listening to the Sox game, and the CSB grad and Flemming refusing to call it Minneapolis or Minnesota but “Minny” almost had me veering into a bridge abutment.

So if Sunday you’re free,
Why don’t you come with me,
And we’ll poison the pigeons in the park.
And maybe we’ll do
In a squirrel or two,
While we’re poisoning pigeons in the park.

We’ll murder them all amid laughter and merriment.
Except for the few we take home to experiment.
My pulse will be quickenin’
With each drop of strychnine
We feed to a pigeon.
It just takes a smidgin!
To poison a pigeon in the park.

Kenny Anderson didn’t win a championship in the NBA but he is a champion in life.

Charlie McAvoy’s baby boy Rhys is a hoss.

If there was a season to try the Simmons experiment, it’s this upcoming one.

A little paprika will liven up any white food.

Is it safe to ask the question that if Christian Gonzalez can’t figure out this string of being injury prone…is he a bust?

Congratulations to the Baseball Hall of Fame class of 2025.

Jon Meterparel also calls the indoor football for the Mass Pirates in the IFL and he couldn’t be more disinterested and mentally broken discussing these useless games. No disrespect to the Pirates.

For the first time since 1972, Burrillville wins the state title. State champs will play New York State champ next Saturday at 7 in Bristol.

The Hulkster will probably need a custom casket to fit those 24-inch pythons. RIP.

Best bet for the weekend: above-board, gentlemanly baseball between Houston and Boston at Fenway.

And happy birthday to model & actress Jaime Pressly, which is apparently spelled that way.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Feels so good.

07/24/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on July 24, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*John. Michael. Osbourne. Think he knew how to rock?*

What was up with ESPN’s broadcast of the Red Sox game? Were Philly fans climbing the satellite antenna or stealing the cables for the copper?

You can tell the ones who’ve been fans since his Black Sabbath days by the way the think his name was Ozzie.

Cheryl Miller played against nurses and secretaries.

The media love training camp because every good play has a counterbalancing bad play for them to focus on.

Rich Hill must fucking hate his family.

If you’re looking for the long-time voice of Boston College Football you will find Jon Meterparel doing the famous Cape Cod League All Star game on NESN. Take A Bow! Jon.

Shane Gillis? Is he a member of Mobb Deep?

Yoshida vs. Imanaga as Japan looks on at 8:38 a.m. on a Sunday.

Ben Volin is already in midseason form.

News Item: All UNC football tickets sold out for 1st season in Bill Belichick era. It sure is going to suck when he leaves before the first game because his buyout is only $1m!

I have gone since 1997 saying ou est ta craie, only to now realize that means where is your chalk. Oops. Ou est ta couronne, roi rien?

Cakes are cooking for Dan Hedaya, Chris Sarandon, Jim Armstrong, Michael Richards, Gus Van Sant, Steve Grogan, Robbie Grey, Paul Geary, Julie Krone, Karl Malone, Barry Bonds.*, Doug Liman, Nick Nurse, Kristin Chenoweth, Laura Leighton, Jennifer Lopez, Rick Fox, Rose Byrne, Summer Glau, Anna Paquin, Elisabeth Moss, Xenia Rubinos, Mara Wilson, Daveigh Chase, Evan James Springsteen, Emily Bett Rickards, Kyle Kuzma, and Cailee Spaeny.

I’ll never forget when Like That came out. I was up in NH for work and listened to that song EXCLUSIVELY every time I was in the car. 25 minute commute each way. Like That. Every single time. Who knew it’d do what it did huh?

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Matrices and Dons get special treatment.”

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

How can you pull a “Do you know who I am?” when it’s not even you?

Orange Line Reminder: July 26-27 No Train service between Wellington & Back Bay due to signal work. Use Buses between Wellington & North Station. Use the Green Line between North Station & Copley.

The Running of the Jorts! A tradition like many others.

My two biggest NBA what if’s remain: Sabonis joining Drexler and Portland in 86 or Len Bias living.

I wish I loved anything as much as broads love singing Blues Traveler.

At the podium Patriots All Pro CB Christian Gonzalez, “ Pressure is a priviledge. ”

Crazy, but that’s how it goes
Millions of people living as foes
Maybe it’s not too late
To learn how to love and forget how to hate

Mental wounds not healing
Life’s a bitter shame

I’m going off the rails on a crazy train
I’m going off the rails on a crazy train

Owen Pence’s performative WNBA fandom is covering for some heinous shit. Mark my words.

Indoor spiders, why am I still seeing earwigs in the basement? You had one job.

How did Scott Kacsmar ever get a job at a serious football outfit in the first place? Guy could not be more unhinged.

Is Meterparel living with a host family too for the summer like the Cape League players?

My likes keep my IG scroll wall right where I want it, and nobody on my IG is shocked about what that content is, bc they’ll run up on me in person to show me what colors they have.

Honk if you remember Tony Kornheiser’s short lived vanity project, “Listen Up”,

Is Kelsey Plum an autist?

The ESPY’s are now like that mediocre restaurant you pass every so often and say, “that’s still open?”

Underwhelming Helmet Reveal szn,

Create more false equivalencies between Bob Kraft’s uncalled for swipes at Belichick and his responses to them.

Get well soon Mut.

H.E.R.B.I.E. the robot is triggering to kids that had him as a Fantastic Four member instead of The Human Torch in their Saturday morning cartoon.

If the concessionaires and vendors at Fenway go on strike, will you be allowed to sneak a sausage inside?

Justin Fields is limping to the sideline.

Best bet for the weekend: England versus Spain once again, this time at the Women’s Euro Championship.

*And the Red Sos win 9-8 in extra innings. Thank you for watching ESPN.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Here comes the night.

*And happy birthday to no-introduction-needed Lynda Carter.*

07/16/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on July 16, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*Schwarbsy. Good player. Missed locally.*

It’s bittersweet that Dick Flavin isn’t around to commemorate this 10-game Red Sox winning streak with a terrible poem.

Alcaraz might be a greater non-sweater than Federer, which is really saying something.

Ken Lofton Jr is the definition of a bull in a china shop.

One thing that I will always hate about the MLB Draft is that teams don’t just draft the best players on their board.

I saw Felger on the Nantucket Ferry. He looked scared.

As someone who needs to be reminded the times were living in…a guy who has the last name ..Sinner ..won.wimbledon ..what’s next a man whos last name is judas wins the masters ?

Jerry Thornton has more dead relatives than Daenerys Targaryen.

David Ortiz fans chant, “Who’s your Papi?” Do fans chant, “Who’s your Dumper?” For Cal Raleigh?

It must be exhausting pretending to be an expert on everything. And also being 400 lbs.

Fan mail sent directly to my house will not be opened. It will be thrown out.

Cakes are cooking for Margaret Smith Court, Jimmy Johnson, Cyndy Garvey, Stewart Copeland, Michael Flatley, Gary Anderson, Terry Pendleton, Miguel Indurain, Charles Smith, Claude Lemieux, Chip Lohmiller, Jyrki Lumme, Will Ferrell, Barry Sanders, Daryl Mitchell, Rain Prior, William Van Landingham, Chris Thomas, Corey Feldman, Aaron Glenn, and Adam Scott.

For the record, Claudia Bellofatto is the only Big Dumper I recognize.

“Where does this walk-off rank in THE PANTHEON? Let’s go to the phones,” I say to my concerned wife and terrified children. Their reaction? I’ll let you know, after the break.

I’ve attended somewhere around 100 events at TD Garden between games and shows. Last night definitely cracks my top 5. The Caitlin Clark experience is legit and she is box office.

The terrible irony is that if Bob Kraft had spent the past decade and a half trying to get Stanley Morgan into the Hall of Fame they both would be enshrined in Canton by now.

Showing up in person as a fan to watch the MLB draft should land you on some kind of federal watchlist.

Jelly Roll looks like he does heroin in a Canobie Lake bathroom.

Red Sox kept the better Raffy.

Drew Bledsoe doesn’t get nearly the credit he deserves for his toughness. The man was a warrior.

Blue Line Update: No trains currently stuck under Boston Harbor.

Sox stockpiling arms in the Draft.

Jannik Sinner is Italian?

Cool to see Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner sitting front row at Fenway. Always a special atmosphere when big names show up at the park.

The bunnies and the squirrels have an uneasy truce in place.

Hey gang of squids who barely got through Navy basic, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Just buy some calamine lotion, you cheap fuck.”

@MarkDondero don’t sell yourself short mark

Hit up Strega after my North End stroll yesterday. This prosciutto-stuffed veal chop was phenomenal as was the octopus appetizer.

I would like to apologize if I sounded like I wished harm upon either Hardy Boy..

Honk if you remember Rick Dee’s, “Into the Night”.

Memo to WNBA announcer: Don’t call a layup (or lay-in) a “lay.” Nobody is having sex out there.

Respectfully: Keira Knightley looks like a billion dollars.

With one breath, with one flow,
You will know synchronicity.
A sleep trance, a dream dance,
A shared romance, synchronicity.

[Chorus]
A connecting principle,
Linked to the invisible,
Almost imperceptible,
Something inexpressible.
Science insusceptible,
Logic so inflexible,
Causally connectable,
Nothing is invincible…

It has rained for quite a few Heritage Nights with the Red Sox. Just saying….

They Saved Hitler’s Brain somehow went from a cheesy 1964 sci fi movie to a billion-dollar 2025 AI project.

Imagine having two phones.

Almost-a-Scout Bedard is miffed Belichick didn’t take a big chance on him.

During this heat wave don’t forget to check up on elderly neighbors to make sure their whole house fan is in good working order.

I think Jerry Trupiano needs to do an All-Sentence Music Fest headlined by Teddy Swims and Billy Strings.

Jerry Thornton wanted Up With People to perform at the All-Star Game.

Summer League is physical.

So the Sox play relatively clean for a couple weeks and suddenly that’s all the info from the last four years that we should acknowledge? Okay.

If Angel Reese didn’t exist it would be necessary to invent her.

Best bet for the weekend: Bostonians converging on Elwood Blues’ listed address.

*Did we do this to Mike? We did, didn’t we?*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Don’t tell the director I said so but are you safe, Miss Gradenko?

*And happy birthday to retired model & actress Phoebe Cates, whom you may associate with a song by* The Cars.

07/09/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on July 9, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Mexicans once again doing a job Americans won’t: winning at soccer.

Next time tell Will Clark to bring donuts.

Never got to see him play, but boy, did my father love him. RIP LB.

I always like when Shams or Schefter tell us who the agent is when they announce a signing. Those guys work hard and deserve it.

Don’t forget to use promo code MALIK for $100 in bonus bets on ESPN BET!

Sox look good against these bad teams, don’t they?

Relax, Halsey.

You either love “MacArthur Park” or you hate it. Am I correct?

Cakes are cooking for Dean Koontz, Chris Cooper, John Tesh, Debbie Sledge, Fred Norris, Jimmy Smits, Willie Wilson, Tom Hanks, Marc Almond, Jim Kerr, Kevin Nash, Christopher J “Gus” Loria, Courtney Love, Scott Verplank, Frank Bello, Pamela Adlon, Trent Green, Marc Andreessen, Scott Grimes, Derek Mills, Kelly Holcomb, Jack White, Dan Estrin, Fred Savage, Ben McAdoo, Issac Brock, Linda Park, and Mitchel Musso.

Aw, man. Michael Madsen. He was terrific is so much. THELMA & LOUISE RESERVOIR DOGS DONNIE BRASCO KILL BILL: VOL. 1 KILL BILL: VOL. 2 And many others. Farewell, Mr. Blonde…

Glacial erratics!

I wonder if there are Yankees fans who ask Grok to create an image of Thurman Munson successfully landing a plane. What?

Jim I have been in retail for a while. The Egg Nog arrives the day after Labor Day. And the Halloween candy arrives the day after the 4th of July.

Hey Gym Gang! This week’s that Pays is, “Come on, we’ve all seen T Quizzle’s gym selfies.”

The cowardly snapperheads who run Red Sox social media account won’t even post about team’s visit to the White House. Like it didn’t happen. Bigger pussies than Napkin Boy Felger.

#CarmineStrong

“What do you mean you gave all your wedding presents away?” – Everyone who bought presents for Drake and Ann Michael Maye’s wedding.

There’s no way Beau Hossler is a real name.

Anyone ever stop and think that Alex Verdugo’s last name, as a noun, means “the executioner” or “the butcher”? Just me? Oh well.

Red Line Reminder: Beginning at 8:30 PM on July 10 – July 13 Shuttle buses replace service between Kendall/MIT and JFK/UMass. Commuter Rail will be fare-free between South Station & Braintree and Porter & North Station.

A guy named Fritz had his Wimbledon tennis match hampered by a glitch?

Hockey goons age worse than female porn stars.

They are so occupied on if they can keep creating Jurassic Park movies they haven’t stopped to think if they should.

I’m gonna fight ’em off
A seven nation army couldn’t hold me back
They’re gonna rip it off
Taking their time right behind my back

And I’m talking to myself at night
Because I can’t forget
Back and forth through my mind
Behind a cigarette

And the message coming from my eyes
Says “Leave it alone”

Alan Hassenfeld and Ed DiPrete died. Rhode Island lore taking a hit today.

Fun Fact: Lucy Burdge doesn’t drink seltzer anymore because it gives her canker sores.

If GIF is supposed to be said with a hard g because of the first word in the acronym, how would you then pronounce PAWG?

Honk if you remember Chef Wayne’s Big Mamou.

Phone battery that was losing 3% a minute got better the minute I ordered an upgraded device. Tough noogies, old cellphone.

Who keeps saying Dame? Who?

Thank you for your interest in the USMNT.

Yeah, I moved on from the Niang leg grab incident pretty much right after it happened.

70s Sports Bro looks like the Muppet Ghost of Christmas Present.

Hit my longest drive ever yesterday. Sat back down in my cart, swigged my beer (Mass market lager, natch) and took a drag off my cigar as my friends were teeing off with “Courtesy of the Red White and Blue” on on the aux. It’s coolest I have ever felt on the golf course.

Was Tom Caron having Green Monster duty supposed to be interesting?

Red Bull team principal Christian Horner has been fired after 20 years with the team.

Best bet for the weekend: a raucous Dropkick Murphy’s Bobblehead Night at America’s Most Beloved Ballpark.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Take my tears and that’s not nearly all. Tainted love (oh) Tainted love.

*And happy Birthday to actress Kelly McGillis, of Witness and Top Gun fame.*

07/02/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on July 2, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Are we sure Kornet’s gone? Shams might just be using the Celtics for clicks.

During the NBA Draft my dog ran and hid under the bed when Adam Silver came out.

I believe the AP Hockey Stylebook would prefer “Hagsy” to be James Hagen’s Bruins nickname.

Is the L in Luka Garza’s name silent, like the H in Hugo Gonzalez’s?

Jahmai Webster should tell Bradfo his secret to keeping shirts wrinkle-free.

What is going on at the Wimbledon Women’s draw?!

Welcome to Boston Alex Steeves, Tanner Jeannot, Sean Kuraly, and Michael Eyssimon.

Keep on that grind, JT. The fan base and the city are behind you 100%. Before you know it you’re gonna be dominating the league again. There’s still so much more left to be written in your Celtics story.

Did the Bruins make a good first round draft pick simply because their internet cut out and they were on autodraft?

Cakes are cooking for Imelda Marcos, Robert Ito, Polly Holliday, Richard Petty, John H. Sununu, Larry David, Saul Rubinek, Roy Bittan, Johnny Colla, Brandel Chamblee, Jose Canseco, Mark Tewksbury, Monie Love, Jared Palmer, Troy Brown, Éric Dazé, Owain Yeoman, Joe Thornton, Michelle Branch, Johnny Weir, Ashley Tisdale, Lindsay Lohan, Alex Morgan, Margot Robbie, and Saweetie.

Are we ever going to hear the results of the Lifshatz referee investigations?

Green Line B Branch Update: Regular service has resumed. This delay has cleared.

Hugo Gonzalez? The many Spanish Celtics fans I know will be thrilled.

Kudos to you for finding out the identity of the guy who uses his real name on Twitter.

I hoped Marchand came back to the Bruins so they can trade him at the deadline again for another #1 pick.

I don’t think I’m being hyperbolic when I say the 2-6 show on WEEI is the actual worst regular show either station has ever trotted out. Which is saying something.

Feel like I should be having a Maine Beer Co. brew right now out of respect to Cooper Flagg.

At random events for work I tell people that Andy Wong is my uncle.

Hey gang of stick-tappers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “You just have to let the draft come to you.”

2025 NBA Draft had no shortage of cryers.

Whichever Market Basket executive pledges to once again start selling their hot dog rolls in packs of 8 instead of 6 has my vote to replace Artie T.

Yesterday at this time it was 94° with a real feel of 104°. In my part of RI that is NOT normal. Today it’s 65° and cloudy with a slight breeze. 30 degrees of difference in 24 hours is nuts.

Lying about being a women’s basketball insider is deranged.

Wander Franco got 2-year suspended sentence for raping a 14-year-old? Was Jerry Thornton the judge?

I miss when Rod Thorn used to do the second round of the draft.

Overrate the Kowloon some more.

News Item: Phil Pressey has been named the new Head Coach of the Maine Celtics.

Don’t feel bad for Damian Lillard. This is a win-win. Dame had a player option for next summer that he was considering not exercising. No secret living away from family in Milwaukee was a challenge. So he gets his $ and is now an unrestricted free agent free to go where HE wants.

Hey Sydney Sweeney, fair warning, Tom Brady has to be an awful fuck. You know he can’t just enjoy it; he’s got to execute in all three phases.

Bobby Bonilla Day BWAHAHAHAHAHA! AMIRITE?

You know you’ve been in this draft watching game a long time when the player your team drafts looks like your son’s best friend.

Roberto Alomar gave Shaughnessy’s niece AIDS. Well, that’s how I heard it.

Honk if you remember when Pete Abe tweeted out a screen shot of some random Instagram girl’s ass and then pretended like he got hacked.

You can tell Bill and Ryen are serious basketball analysts by how often they refer to players as “assets.”

Was going thru my whiskey bottles to grab one for vacation and couldn’t believe how much i have in the house. Haven’t touched it since December. Wowowo allowing my gray matter neurons to heal.

A nice screened in porch is the perfect summer amenity.

Marner, if he ends up with Boston, will change spelling of last name to MAH-nuh. Just to assimilate.

I like my bands in business suits, I watch them on TV
I’m working out most every day and watching what I eat
They tell me that it’s good for me, but I don’t even care
I know that it’s crazy
I know that it’s nowhere
But there is no denying that

It’s hip to be square
It’s hip to be square
It’s hip to be square
So hip to be square.

Yeah, the guy who got fired from the two-hour Saturday morning show is tapped into the Celtics’ front office.

A: Chico, Burrito, and Shaman.

In New England culture sometimes all carbonated soft drinks are referred to as tonic.

Bruins should take a look at Brynov Tsaevarski.

If BYU If doesn’t want their student-athletes having sex they should just have them all get married.

“One may know how to draft without knowing how to do it” – Sun Tzu Dupont

Did Jordon Hudson outbid Pablo Torre for a pair of heels on eBay? WTF.

Get well soon, Red Panda.

Best bet for the weekend: the busiest Fourth of July ever for travel.

*Hearing reports traffic is backed up from the Cape bridges to the gas tanks.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. HBD USA.

*And happy birthday to supermodel, actress and Texas gal Jerry Hall, who appeared in the 1992 film, ‘Freejack.’*

06/25/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on June 25, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*Thanks for helping the Celtics earn Banner 18, gentlemen. Good luck with your new squads.*

Congrats to the Sonic Thunder. Does that count as their second title, or is appropriating another city’s titles just an LA thing?

Should’ve at least gotten Yaz back for Raffy, that’s just an obvious one, Craig.

Anfernee for Jrue is also an upgrade in the important ‘preposterously spelled first name’ category.

I’ll say this: a woman who shits herself hasn’t owned Boston this hard since Uta Pippig won the Marathon back in ‘96.

Carrabis is so personally hurt that another guy with a tattoo sleeve doesn’t want to be besties with him.

Monday morning quarterbacking here but it would have been cool to see Mikayla Timpson minutes as a counter to the Valkyries frontcourt speed.

Kristian Campbell’s slump is like a cough that you think is only going to last two weeks but instead it keeps getting worse and you wonder if you are even going to make it out of it alive.

Georges Niang looks like a heroin dealer on the Marseilles waterfront.

Holy fuck, was that sun ridiculously goddamn hot here in Boston yesterday. Not sure I remember ever feeling this level of heat before. Check on your neighbors to make sure they have enough water and Percocet.

Prediction: KD will be happy for two months and then get hurt and then be mad that the crowd cheered too loud for VanVleet when he was out and he’ll demand a trade.

Casually dropping the N bomb on air is insane.

Cakes are cooking for June Lockhart, Peter Blake, James Meredith, Eddie Floyd, Carly Simon, Jimmie Walker, Lee Wilkof, Tim Finn, David Paich, Sonia Sotomayor, Paris Themmen, Ricky Gervais, Doug Gilmour, Mike Stanley, Dell Curry, John McCrea, Aaron Sele, Angela Kinsey, Carlos Delgado, Milan Hnilicka, Vernon Crawford, Linda Cardellini, José Cancela, Busy Philipps, Hirooki Goto, La La Anthony, Annaleigh Ashford, Benson Boone, and Mckenna Grace.

Strange loyalty to video game companies basically created arguing on the internet.

The only way WWE decides to hold a show in Saudi on Saturday, is if they’ve had assurances they’re not in danger. To all the tribal wrestling fans: I don’t believe they would send people into imminent danger to hold a freaking PLE.

How bad is the economy that Upton Bell is reduced to cruising in a *Planet Fitness*?

For those asking, yes, new Mets reliever Richard Lovelady has requested to go by his nickname Dicky. So it will be Dicky Lovelady from here on out.

Maybe that Sports Hub guy wanted Golden State assistant coach Nick Kerr’s boat?

If I see one more tweet about Len Bias dying I’m gonna…probably do nothing. But for fuck’s sake…

Hey gang of luckless motorists! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “You are outside your mind if you think you’re sending me a picture of a dead deer,”

Every Red Sox podcaster looks like they have been accused of date rape at least once.

Green Line D branch: Eastbound delays of about 20 minutes due to a signal problem at Riverside. Trains may stand by at stations.

To the men at the gym: Put your nipple(s) away. Please.

I don’t know if I’m in the minority, but I despise when wrestlers have more than, like, 2 belts max.

Steph Curry is half a Nick Kerr.

Will the updated quarterly dummy rankings be released before the long July 4th weekend?

I thought BYFBO was “bring your fat butt over.”

Would advise all gay men with naturally hairy bodies to stop shaving their legs. It looks weird. As a hairy Jew/Italian myself, trim is great. But totally smooth? Strange and unnatural.

Bob Ryan on Russillo’s pod claimed to be the president of the TJ McConnell fan club, then immediately called him TJ O’Connell.

NBC10 should change their call letters to WFKR.

Fun fact: There’s more jazz in Utah than there are lakes in Los Angeles.

Never trust anyone who doesn’t like Joe Walsh. Even people who hate the Eagles are like “But Joe Walsh is alright.”

I’m already annoyed by the people at the gym tomorrow morning.

In other great news, Drake Mayeberry finally married the first girl he ever kissed. This doesn’t bode well for his decision-making ability.

Dozier > Hozier.

Jaylen Brown cannot dribble and does not appreciate infrastructure.

Has Jonathan Bowen shipped out to Iran yet?

As a kid, I cleaned the theaters at the local movie theater on the weekends. I’d sometimes ask for the promotional posters. I had a Howard the Duck poster, which I’d affixed to my bedroom wall for years. He was right next to Heather Thomas. Sigh.

This Nick Kerr is crazy!

Did anyone else ever have a nun turning the World Series game on the radio when 1 o’clock rolled around?

I got you, that’s all I want
I won’t forget, that’s a whole lot
I don’t go out, not now that you’re in
Sometimes we shout, but that’s no problem

I don’t know why sometimes I get frightened
You can see my eyes, you can tell that I’m not lyin’

Look at you, you’re a pageant
You’re everything, that I’ve imagined
Somethings wrong, I feel uneasy
You show me, tell me you’re not teasin’

I don’t know why sometimes I get frightened
You can see my eyes, you can tell that I’m not lyin’

The Aaron Rodgers and Pittsburgh Steelers situation fascinates me.

Honk if you remember the Skybox Restaurant & Sports Bar.

Do you denounce Kate Peter? And all her works?

Dakota Johnson on ‘Hot Ones’ made me appreciate her so much more. Something about the vulnerability the show creates in people can show you who they are. She seems so genuine.

Chet Holmgren is just a tall version of Kip from Napoleon Dynamite after he gets a black gf.

These sincere apologizes are becoming increasingly frequent and insincere.

Karen Read is built like Chris Klemmer.

Wayne’s Fatha is going to be disappointed when he discovers PLAYA BOWLS isn’t a competitor to Wamesit Lanes.

Aloha may mean many things. But pae ʻia means ‘stranded.’

Congratulations to Zdeno Chara & Joe Thornton on making the Hockey Hall of Fame.

Best bet for the weekend: a great crowd coming out to root on the Free Jacks.

“Well, it is finally official. Murder is legal in the state of Massachusetts.”

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. You don’t have to prove to me you’re beautiful to strangers, I’ve got lovin’ eyes of my own.

*Heather. Thomas. Poster. Think she’s any good? Heh heh heh.*

06/18/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on June 18, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*Now #16 for the San Francisco Baseball Giants, but still #1 in the hearts of many a Red Sox fan.*

Aloha means ‘goodbye.’ Aloha, Rafael Devers.

And congrats to my fellow Townie on his second Stanley Cup. Love ya, Marchy.

There’s a stress-free level of watching Red Sox games as a Boston fan on the West Coast that is just carefree and indescribable. Doesn’t hurt when it’s 70° with no humidity either.

Poor Caitlin Clark. I haven’t seen anyone get roughed up by the Sun like that since Tom E. Curran forgot his stupid nana beach hat!

Every baseball podcast inevitably devolves into pedophilia accusations and petty conflicts.

Catch that last big wave, Brian Wilson. In a life containing an abusive father, and abusive doctor, and Charles Manson, the greatest villain of The Beach Boys will always be Mike Love.

Cakes are cooking for Sir Paul McCartney, Linda Thorson, Chris Van Allsburg, Carol Kane, Isabella Rossellini, William Beard, Brian Benben, Andrés Galarraga, Alison Moyet, Bruce Smith, “Dizzy” Reed, Kurt Browning, Sandy Alomar Jr., Alex Vanderpool, Julie Depardieu, Tracy Ducar, Bumper Robinson, Jeff Saturday, Martin St. Louis, Blake Shelton, Tara Platt, Antonio Gates, Ivana Wong, Ella Chen, Richard Madden, Willa Holland, and Evan Mobley.

That Jones/Keefe twitter account gets zero engagement.

Cotillo absolutely has to wear prescription shoes. Those aren’t free, babe.

Man. Adam. Amirite?

Hey gang of ex-Parrotheads! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Dude, I killed Jimmy Buffet.”

The Unites States actually gained all rights to Lord Stanley’s Cup over a decade ago by adverse possession.

Bro, calling AJ Soprano a pedo is crazy town.

Felt compelled to write something about how The Beach Boys came to be my favorite band and how they helped me form a bond with my father. RIP Brian Wilson. I first heard The Beach Boys at an end-of-school-year assembly in 1994 when I was finishing up second grade. The school played “Surfin’ USA” as the sixth graders graduated, and something about the song clicked with me. That night, my family was going out to eat, and my dad put in a cassette tape in the car he had received from a friend, and that same song played again. I asked my dad who it was, and he told me it was The Beach Boys. It was so catchy and fast. That entire summer, I played that tape, which I later found out was a UK Beach Boys compilation called “20 Golden Greats” over and over and over again while my friends and I played “Turtles In Time” on Super Nintendo. It was the first music that ever clicked with me. My family became obsessed with The Beach Boys over the next two months. My dad brought out his old LPs. We bought the recently-released “Good Vibrations” box set. I had decided by looking at liner notes that the drummer, Dennis Wilson, was my favorite member. I remember crying when I found out he had died 11 years earlier. I read Steven Gaines’ “Heroes and Villains” book at way too young of an age. And we bought tickets to see The Beach Boys at the Puyallup Fair at the end of the summer. Brian Wilson wasn’t touring with the band by that point, but I’m happy I got to see Carl Wilson perform live before he died in 1998. I still remember how cool he looked with his black suit and beard. The mid-90s were oddly a good time to be getting into Brian Wilson and The Beach Boys. Brian was starting his solo career, and there were a few TV specials and documentaries about the band at the time. I remember my best friend and I randomly catching them singing the Top 10 list on David Letterman during a sleepover in the summer of 1994. The Beach Boys never stopped being my favorite band. I picked up a guitar because of The Beach Boys. I probably go into punk and hardcore because bands like the Ramones are just a sped-up version of The Beach Boys.Thank you for all of the wonderful music and memories, Brian. I know Brian lived a tough life, and while his passing is incredibly sad, it’s a relief to know he’s at peace.

Blue Line: Riders may experience longer wait times and delays throughout the day due to ongoing signal problems.

David Andrews better be getting the bag for having to yuk it up with a Perc-addled Fred Toucher.

The Red Sox can be hopelessly dysfunctional and Devers can be an immature prima donna at the same time.

I would like to live someplace that invariably gets described as a ‘coastal enclave.’

Pretty impressive to win 4 titles, one of which breaks an 86 year curse, and still manage to become the most loathed man in the city. You can’t write that script. Henry truly is one of one.

Peter King’s favorite Beach Boys song is Kokomo.

David Ortiz says on IG live that he offered his assistance and guidance to Rafael Devers multiple times during his time in Boston and he rarely heard back from him, he never showed interest in learning how to get better as the face of the franchise.

Just another piece of shit named Kennedy to hate. What an absolute duplicitous snake.

I love business chatter.

Referees really could have called too many men on the ice on Florida with five seconds left.

You’d think that people would have had enough of silly love songs
But I look around me
And I see it isn’t so
Some people want to fill the world
With silly love songs
And what’s wrong with that?
I’d like to know
Cos here I go again

I love you, I love you
I love you, I love you.

I don’t care when you were born, there’s NO WAY someone can mistake the cast of Seinfeld for the cast of The Sopranos.

Gethin Coolbaugh was never real. You got duped.

My ‘the “11” on Devers’ city connect uniform is absolutely squashed together and looks terrible. Front and back. I don’t want the kerning people fired, but I want them reprimanded’ complaint has been overtaken by events.

Linfield just drew Shelbourne in the first qualifying round of the Champions League.

Te-Hina Paopao has to be considered one of the biggest steals of the draft. Second-round pick who has looked WNBA-ready all year.

Sam Kennedy has his own cuck chair for watching John Henry in his cuck chair.

Honk if you remember @bullpencar on twitter.

Diversity of thought can be beneficial. Please be tolerant of other points of view and respectful in the rhetoric used here. Respectful disagreement is permissible, even encouraged. But I require EVERYONE to avoid profanity and name-calling.

Does CCRI offer a course on becoming a dog bite expert?

Maybe Red Sox Twitter should stop whining about the hot Italian chick and start curbing its rampant pedophilia?

Imagine having golf hall of fame takes.

Hot take: Carl Moesche deserved to get canned.

Belated Happy Fathers Day to all my Twitter Dads. Thinking of everyone without a Dad today, or a complicated relationship with theirs.

News Item: Pepsi and Mountain Dew are discontinuing 14 flavors, MegO hardest hit.

Doug Mirabelli had courageous facial hair. You rarely see that anymore.

I think Hollywood could occasionally make a movie or show that doesn’t have Paul Walter Houser in it. Give the guy a break.

Brian Wilson dies, now we get to bomb Iran. Hey, I don’t make the rules.

Joon Lee is either 25 or 55 years old.

It’s disappointing we have no video of a drunken and stoned Rear Admiral running around the Panthers celebration this year.

Breslow need to come out as autistic to save himself.

Seems like Juneteenth comes earlier and earlier every year.

Best bet for the weekend: revenge!

*These are Stanley tumblers. Not Stanley Cups.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I may not always love you But long as there are stars above you You never need to doubt it I’ll make you so sure about it

*And happy birthday to actress-singer, marriage & family therapist, and (checks notes) Penthouse Pet of the Year Renee Olstead.*

06/11/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on June 11, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Sure, Roman Anthony hit a 497-foot grand slam but remember the ball travers further at Worcester’s lofty altitude.

Welcome back to Boston Marco Sturm.

Dort? what is that? Dutch?

How is a home game her “day off”? She’s in sports! Maybe change the blog to ‘Girl NOT at the Game?’

Kendrick Perkins seems to be aging in Zolaks.

Just found out I’m banned from all NH DK casinos because I win too much.

Pablo Torre’s like a ladyboy version of Katie Nolan.

I could listen to Nancy Lieberman talk basketball all day long. Such a brilliant mind.

Swiss Team frugal with goals allowed, defeats USMNT 4-0.

Cakes are cooking for Jackie Stewart, Joey Dee, Adrienne Barbeau, Skip Alan, Frank Beard, George Willig, Donnie Van Zant, Johnny Neel, Joe Montana, Hugh Laurie, Memhet Oz, Rob Birch, Tiffany Cohen, Peter Dinklage, Brock Marion, Geoff Ogilvy, Joshua Jackson, Diana Taurasi, José Reyes, Shia LaBoeuf, Brock Holt, , Maya Moore, Anna Sawai,and Jessica Fox.

I did some math i eat 3,000-3,500 calories per day. Never figured this out before, just eat every few hours.

The Ringer should rebrand themselves as ‘The Last Thing I Saw’.

Seth cashed in on Jey, Sami wins KoTR and Sami beats Seth at SummerSlam.

Finding a woman attractive is basically rape.

News Item: Patriots head coach Mike Vrabel and private aviation provider Magellan Jets have announced a partnership the company announced today in a press release.

Chappell Roan looks like she always has skid marks.

I almost feel hungover when I wake up the morning after a bad Red Sox loss, completely sober. My brain can’t even process a thought yet, but my body still feels the residual effects of the loss from the previous night, all before I can recall that they even lost.

Hearing whispers that DiJonai “Black Poupon” Carrington is a dirty basketball player who hates White women.

Tough day for the Commonwealth.

Hey gang of congenital fibbers! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “That’s as accommodating as I can be to someone who just called me a pig.”

I love how the terrible drunk at the corner of the bar turns into a horse racing expert 3 times a year. It’s refreshing.

Red Line Reminder: June 14 – 15 (this weekend) Shuttle Buses replace service between JFK/UMass and Braintree for signal upgrades. Commuter Rail will be fare-free between South Station & Braintree.

Can’t believe Elon and Trump broke up during Pride Month.

Fitzy always looks like he’s about to say “Check please!” in an absurdly hammy manner.

Well, they’ve got a new dance and it goes like this
(Bop shoo-op, a-bop-bop, shoo-op)
Yeah, the name of the dance is Peppermint Twist
(Bop shoo-op, a-bop-bop, shoo-op)
Well, you like it like this, the Peppermint Twist
(Bop shoo-op, a-bop-bop, shoo-op)

It goes round and round, up and down
Round and round, up and down
Round and round and a-up and down
And a one, two, three, kick, one, two, three, jump.

The #1 complaint these psycho fans have about Bruins management is that they prioritized playoffs over championships to maximize revenue, which is the dumbest take. The way you maximize revenue, especially beyond gate receipts, is by winning the Cup. If their goal was to have the Garden open more nights, they wouldn’t have mortgaged the future multiple times. They would welcome a wild card berth and hope to make the second round. They would’ve added to the roster this year to back into 8th place. They wouldn’t have fired Cassidy or Montgomery. They’re doing the opposite of everything these losers are blaming them for.

If you’re confusing Sikhs with Muslims, you’re a moron.

I hope Boston has a parade for Marchand if he wins the Cup.

30-26? Does that Barstool Basketball league not use a shot clock? Congratulations?

You very much are allowed to shout ‘Fire’ in a crowded movie house. And what’s more, the same goes for shouting ‘Movie!’ in a crowded firehouse.

Be more pill-addled.

Say hello to the last adult male in America without a calf tattoo.

Honk if you remember the McDonald’s Snack Wrap.

Tyrese Haliburton is making all these shots because Steve Kerr didn’t play him.

Where’s Bill James?

This one really hurts me to say more than any of the tweets in this series ever have: Dairy Queen – not as good anymore.

Belated congratulations to that US Hockey Team that did the thing.

Anthony Anthony? Really?

Jaylen Brown today underwent a successful right knee arthroscopic debridement procedure. He is expected to participate in training camp without limitation.

Best bet for the weekend: an eventful 250th birthday to the Army.

*And Happy Birthday to Luciana Paluzza, from the latter part of the Golden Age of bazoomy Italian actresses.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I heard you missed us. We’re back.

*Bianca says it’s a good weekend to open the pool.*

05/29/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on May 29, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*Still not as big of an anjerk as his dad was.*

Well. at least Jim Irsay died doing what he loved! Drugs.

For years I thought KAT’s last name was Anthony-Towns, not that his first name was Karl-Anthony.

Do you think Jim Rice is confused by people constantly asking if he’s having a stroke?

Marcelo Mayer will wear No. 39 in his MLB debut. Fitting, since he was the Red Sox’s highest draft pick (4th) since they selected Mike Garman in 1967, and he also ended up wearing 39.

Per his wishes, Mr. Irsay’s ashes will be snorted by Barstool’s Rear Admiral.

I said last year I wasn’t gonna gamble on Monaco again and I really should have kept my word.

NFL players and boat parties. What could go wrong?

Sunrise, Florida is Hockeytown now, I guess.

Cakes are cooking for Rebbie Jackson, Ron Levy, Danny Elfman, Larry Blackmon, LaToya jackson, Annette Bening, Mel Gaynor, Rupert Everett, Adrian Paul, David Palmer, Melissa Etheridge, Eric Davis, Lisa Whelchel, Ukyo Katayama, Noel Gallagher, Melanie Brown, David Buckner, Jerry Hairston Jr., Carmelo Anthony, Riley Keough, Kristin Alderton, Richard Carapaz, and Markelle Fultz.

When Jerry Thornton gets sued into oblivion by Jen McCabe, is he going to tell her lawyers to “Take my wife—please”?

Great experience with @SeatGeek today. Just awesome people to deal with. Definitely a great place to buy tickets.

You think they will pump extra crowd noise into the Irsay memorial service?

Orange Line Reminder: May 30 – June 1 No Train service between Forest Hills and North Station due to signal work. Use Shuttle buses between Forest Hills and Back Bay. Use the Green Line between Copley and North Station.

John Fetterman is widely known to be severely depressed and suicidal. He should step down and Jonathan Bowen should take his place.

Hey gang of Somervillians! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I hear Pound House has a soft opening.”

Think there’s ever been a catcher that’s had to sneeze right as the pitcher delivers the pitch?

That better not be Red Dye#3 in your pink cocaine!

Thank you to the Boston gang members for staging a Memorial Day brawl on the beach today. Nice touch.

Rob Refsnyder and Connor Wong should swap names.

I am so sorry. Not to be all yeehaw, but it’s a national anthem. Why are we making it a ballad?

Never trust a woman who looks like Marty Schottenheimer.

Honk if you remember White Hen Pantry.

If Coach Thibs isn’t going to accept reality and shave off that stranded tuft of hair he should comb it straight forward.

My life is OVER!!! (Dunkin got rid of the raspberry watermelon refresher)

How long did it take John Streicher to get the nickname “stretch”? Over/under has to be 45 seconds, right?

You were made for me (You were made for me)
Everybody tells me so
You were made for me (You were made for me)
Don’t pretend that you don’t know

All the trees were made for little things that sing and fly
And the sun was made to burn so bright and light the sky
Pretty eyes were never made to cry, they were made to see
When I held you in my arms I knew that you were made for me.

Modern research tools are absolutely fantastic, and the researchers who are good at using them–which I am not–are fantastic. Just for the halibut I asked my computer where Richie Ashburn went to high school. Took it about 3 seconds, but it responded with where AND when.

Commercials featuring doorbells are terrorism.

Organized. Team. Activities.

So happy for John and Linda. They needed a win.

Michael Holley is still on the fucking radio?

Bill Simmons put on a generational last-thing-I-saw performance on his most recent podcast.

Red Sox need a shakeup. Three words: Manager Lou damn Merloni.

Get well soon CC.

Best bet for the weekend: novelty street signage being quietly taken down across Manhattan.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Quiet time for sports locally.

*And happy birthday to Brazilian supermodel Ana Beatriz Barros.*

05/21/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on May 21, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*Love, I get so lost*, sometimes.
Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart.

I wish I could group hug Celtics fam right now.

Society has moved past the point of needing to know Emmanuel Acho’s opinion on literally any subject.

Natasha Howard is such an upgrade over NaLyssa Smith at the 4 spot for Fever.

If that is a foul on Brunson, then consider me Miles Davis.

people saying that KP has….. AIDS because he got benched for shortness of breath

I’m not going to make jokes about Mexican sailors.

Scottie Scheffler is the 2nd best golfer of my lifetime. Yeah I said it.

Journalism wins The Preakness, but is immediately laid off and replaced with a younger horse.

I have never been called for jury duty, and I’d like to, but I do have serious concerns about my ability to stay awake throughout an entire trial.

Cakes are cooking for Bobby Cox, Ronald Isley, Leo Sayer, Al Franken, Mr. T, John Galvin, Stan Lynch, Bruce Buffer, Judge Reinhold, Renée Soutendijk, Kent Hrbek, Havoc [Kejuan Muchita], Ricky Williams, Goyte, Beth Botsford, Josh Hamilton, Tay Zonday, Gary Woodland, Andrew Miller, Cody Johnson, Laura Loomer, Hannah Einbinder, and Josh Allen.

Lynn Ferry Cancellation: The 5:45 PM trip from Long Wharf to Blossom Street Pier is cancelled today due to rough seas. A shuttle bus will be available at State St @ Atlantic Ave to take passengers to Lynn.

Can’t wait for the Superman soundtrack to have an absolutely outrageous song choice that somehow works perfectly. Like ‘No Sleep Till Brooklyn’ in GOTG 3 or ‘Just A Gigolo’ in The Suicide Squad. James Gunn is a genius when it comes to this stuff.

Alexander Graham Bell is probably thinking, “First Sir David Ortiz, then Sir Alex Cora. Why do these Boston Red Sox of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts dislike my invention so much?”

This Brooklyn Bridge thing is unfortunately going to put a dent in my previously high opinion of the Mexican Navy.

Win or lose this series, it’s been so much fun to see the Nuggets find their soul again after the way they went out last season.

I do fear these Sox City Connect Air Max 270’s go stoopy dummy.

Ferry Service for Memorial Day, Monday, May 26: F1 Hingham to Boston Ferry – No Service F2H Hingham/Hull/Logan to Boston Ferry – Sunday Service East Boston/Charlestown/Lynn/Winthrop & Quincy Ferries – Weekend Schedule

People have always been fearful and jealous of philosopher-entrepreneurs.

Hey gang of idiots! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I’m going to go on on a lemon.”

All the best weddings happen on a random Thursday in May.

There’s a reason the Mexicans lost their Gulf.

Dave O’Brien was awfully excited to announce that George Wendt died.

I hate tinder. Yeah you can have FUN with dummies but it’s not what I’m looking for. I’m looking for a girl that will call me out on my bullshit.

The world needs more obese, autistic baseball afficionados.

Rupert Holmes’ lawyers are absolute sharks!

Maybe the Mexicans could have trained on something simpler, like barges.

Threw NONNAS on the other night and ended up enjoying the hell out of it. Nice little heart-warmer.

Are there shitty seats at weddings? Nose bleeds? Obstructed view?

Please consider giving support to my Karen Read fundraiser so that she and her lawyer can afford a better vodka than Grey Goose!

Does Coach Bill know about the engagement?

I don’t want to meet the person who buys used furniture.

You can get addicted to a certain kinda sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well, you said that we would still be friends
But I’ll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothin’
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger, and that feels so rough

No, you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
Guess that I don’t need that, though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

The Bruins get a 1st round pick because the Leafs choked a Game 7. God is a Bruins fan.

Honk if you remember Electric Light Orchestra.

I watched my 14-yr old boy absolutely take over an AAU tourney/game this past weekend and carry his f’ing team to a win like an elite player should. Moved me to tears watching it. The kind of feeling that you can’t really explain as a parent. You just sit there in awe nodding your head and feel overwhelmed. Inspiring stuff.

Nobody ever called into ‘Ask the Manager’ and asked for more ‘Petticoat Junction’ reruns.

On The Rewatchables ep about Close Encounters, Bill Simmons says the lack of iPhones made the movie age badly. He also calls out, “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Richard Cord.” Simmons is the ultimate media shitlib GenXer. He just doesn’t care about anything.

Many of the entitled play Pickleball.

Can’t tell me how many inches of snow there’ll be but sure put out your rainfall forecast in thousandths of an inch.

Did Belichick record his audio book from a flophouse?

Anybody remember when the Sox drafted a guy named Lars Anderson? Big LH first baseman, nice swing. I remember (Seriously) somebody in Boston’s unpaid sports media saying he’d be the first .400 hitter since Ted W. Don’t think he ever got an at bat in the majors. Ah, Old Times.

Did not know this but Brad Marchand’s nickname with the Panthers is -The Rat King..

The Seabees were definitely 86ing terrorists. You can read all about it at their museum over at Quonset Point.

The Tush Push would be a great Provincetown sports bar name.

Best bet for the weekend: people eagerly anticipating being allowed to wear white shoes again.

*We love you Jayson, but giving the thumbs up from a hospital bed is an invitation to doom.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Twist and shout.