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Category Archives: The Sports Junk Drawer

10/29/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on October 29, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

The first thing I’d ask if I were at a crooked poker game is, ‘Does the table always hum like that?’

Once again, the local media contingent is the last to know breaking Patriots news.

I thought we had so many years left with Beef. His absence leaves a void that can only be filled with fatter, more hilariously named men.

You know it could be a good day when one of the first things you hear is Screamin’ Jay Hawkins singing “I Put A Spell On You.”

Does Eliot Wolf fancy himself as some kind of 6th round draft savant?

The Bruins appear to be bipolar. Unfortunately.

That stuff that Chauncey Billups and Damon Jones are accused of is legitimately the type of stuff that gets people taken out. No exaggeration.

Cakes are cooking for Ralph Bakshi, Claude Brochu, Robbie van Leeuwen, Richard Dreyfuss, Kate Jackson, Guy Gelso, Denis Potvin, Lee Child, Roger O’Donnell, Dan Castellaneta, Jesse Barfield, Mike Gartner, Michael Carter, Randy Jackson, Yasmin Le Bon, Peter Timmons, Joely Fisher, Rufus Sewell, Peter Breen, Marquez Pope, Gabrielle Union, Tracee Ellis Ross, Michael Shur, Ben Foster, Amanda Beard, Maurice Clarett, Chris Baio, Eric Staal, Gio Benitez, Andy Dalton, and Evan Fournier.

Sarge, that picture should be titled ‘Beefcake Heaven’ or the ‘Studs on Causeway.’

It’s always best to point shave in game 7 of the ECF, a game nobody pays attention to.

Orange Line Update: Please continue to expect delays of about 10 minutes while signal personnel work to overcome a switch problem at Oak Grove.

Does Hogdale become the new Barstool Beef automatically, or is a vote needed?

I’m just gonna go ahead and say it: I love rugby style punters.

Hey gang of fun-haters, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “One-day contracts are stupid.”

Never thought I’d be looking at the NBA Tankathon page again so soon but here we are.

Brian Kelly. Free to pursue other opportunities.

I never understood how an inverted W isn’t just an M.

Pablo Torre’s working on Jordon Hudson’s connection to this NBA gambling scandal.

Coach Vrabes is whacking people with connections to the Lombardi crime family.

Isn’t Dybantsa the drug that treats POTS?

There are survivalist ham radio operators with better Arbitron ratings than WEEI’s lineup.

I am physically incapable of not saying Quinshon Judkins without using the same cadence as ‘Leroy Jenkins.’

Climate change stops when we harness the power of pregame show fake laughs for clean energy.

In Deliver Me from Nowhere, Bruce Springsteen says his favorite hotdog condiment is mustard but in real life, Bruce Springsteen hates mustard so much he did a whole yap about it during a show. How the hell did E Street Ombudsman Gary W. Tallent let this happen?

Working on a fun story tonight where I get to combine two passions: special teams and apple cider doughnuts.

We’ve reached the point where it’s no longer Hazel may … it’s Hazel does.

Today I learned that primer is pronounced, ‘primmer’ when used as a preview of something. I have been mispronouncing that for 46 years.

It’s like those veteran suicide awareness commercials, but instead of some jarhead, they send in Bill Burt and “Hardy.”

Barstool Tofu is still alive and well.

Robert Saleh’s defense loves undersized interior penetrators.

I put a spell on you
Because you’re mine
Stop the things you tell
Watch out, I ain’t lyin’.

Yeah, I can’t stand it
No runnin’ around
I can’t stand it
No, put me down.

I put a spell on you
Because you’re mine, oh yeah
Stop the things you do
Watch out, I ain’t lyin’.

Pets are the best so you just have to give them the best life possible while you can and let them live forever in your memories.

Fun Fact: Point shaving in the WNBA is called point waxing.

Pats should sign Jerod Mayo to a one-day contract and immediately cut him.

Honk if you remember the F/V Andrea Gail.

Or maybe Barstool is like Al-Qaeda: One leader dies, they’re automatically replaced. Seamless transition.

TreyVeyon got his touches! Now what to complain about?

If Hogdale is streaming to ten people during a normal game, I wonder what was happening in the 18th inning the other night.

Another reminder MLB should have emergency backup pitchers in the stands. EBUPs.

I can’t remember a Sunday night when I didn’t think Cris Collinsworth is an asshole. Last Sunday was not one of them.

Sad about Logan Mankins. Maybe Speros stole his donor kidney?

Why on Earth is Marlins Man still a thing? Go away already. It’s played out.

Best bet for the weekend: zero bags of leftover candy.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, Old Friends Hacksaw & Yahtzee, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Happy Halloween, ladies. (laughs) Nuns. No sense of humor.

*And happy Birthday to actress Winona Ryder, who puts one on a Halloween frame of mind.*

10/22/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on October 22, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*It got a little dusty in the TD Garden last night, amirite?*

Tough loss, Mariners. Can I interest you in a baseball poem?

Hoping that for his next investigation, Pablo Torre can find out how Katie Nolan keeps getting work.

NESN talking Patriots credit pie? Bill only ever got blame pie. And such large portions!

When you turn too many corners you end up back where you started.

Toucher, Adam 12, Hardy and Big Jim… why not make the entire station out of failed rock DJs?

If I had been playing in that media basketball game, I would have pulled my team off the floor. Sometimes you have to make a statement.

Dammit Carolina Hurricanes, stop wearing the Whalers branding as a skin suit.

Cakes are cooking for Christopher Lloyd, Derek Jacobi, Jan de Bont, Lee Meredith, Greg Hawkes, Jeff Goldblum, Bobby Blotzer, Cris Kirkwood, Barbara Potter, Leonard Marshall, Bob Odenkirk, Brian Boitano, Valeria Golino, Carlos Mencia, Ron Tugnutt, Shaggy, Shelby Lynn, Spike Jonze, Saffron Burrows, Tyrone Williams, Ichiro Suzuki, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Brad Stevens, Jon Foreman, Olivier Pla, Heath Miller, Robinson Canó, Zac Hanson, Jonathan Lipnicki, Marcus Jones, and TreVeyon Henderson.

Love my gals of sports twitter today and always.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “We’re starting to reach the point where it’s no longer Drake may … it’s Drake is.”

You can be bald or gay but not both.

Globe Pitchbot makes Michael Hurley look like Patrice O’Neal.

Green Line D Branch Reminder: From 8 PM on October 24 through October 31. Local and Express Shuttle buses will replace service between Kenmore and Riverside for maintenance work.

FYI, Celtics season ticket renewal is March, with commitment to renew in February.

I wonder if Gene Simmons gave Ace Frehley’s family a Kiss coffin at half-price.

Guys, I don’t know if it’s been said before, but we’re starting to reach the point where it’s no longer Drake may … it’s Drake is.

Whomever convinced Chris Gasper he’s a good writer needs to be brought before The Hague.

Aaron Rodgers yelling is lowkey kinda scary.

Hate when I see a 12-year-old kid wearing a sliding mitt, but Vlad Jr. makes it look cool.

As usual I’m the only one in the exit row to review the passenger safety card. I don’t see any of these people helping in the event of an emergency.

It’s crazy, like, I was just thinking that we’re actually starting to reach the point where it’s no longer Drake may … it’s Drake is. Anyone else feel this way?

Savor all the moments we have left with Chris Berman.

Long Johns went on today. Sorry folks, but it’s officially winter. I don’t care what your calendar says.

White women love two things: fucking with their faces and autumn.

You know the Patriots are back when Joe Murray and Dondero open up the postgame show by complaining about the Patriots trying to force the run, and how the defense needs to play better.

Black cats conduct heat evenly.

Why do refs say, “by rule”? What else would it be by?

As I was driving home, a thought struck me: We’re starting to reach the point where it’s no longer Drake may … it’s Drake is.

Damn convenient the Charles River water quality markedly improved right before the Regatta!

And when I wake up in the morning
To feel the daybreak on my face
There’s a blood that’s flowing through the feeling
With a knife to open up the sky’s veins.

Some things will never change
You just stand there looking backwards half unconscious from the pain
It may seem rearranged
In the backwater swirling there is something that will never change.

The best murder weapon would be a Tupperware lid…No one would be able to find it.

Porzingis had POTS? So is he better now? I ask because the broads seem to make it their personality for the rest of their life.

Honk if you remember when Paul was dead.

The next day, local television journalist Clark Booth suggested, “Instead of playing a seventh game, they should spread tables and checkered tablecloths across the outfields and just have a picnic, a feast to a glorious World Series, and toast one another until dawn.’’

It’s alright to cry Marchy, crying takes the sad out of you.

Congratulations to K’Lavon Chaisson for being named AFC Defensive Player of the Week.

Salem Ghost Lantern Stroll!

After looking at Marchand in a Panthers uni all night now I look up and it’s Marcus Smart as a Laker.

The Celtics, they could surprise!

Best bet for the weekend: we draw inexorably nearer to the point where it’s no longer Drake may … it’s Drake is.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. She’s drivin’ away, with the dim lights on.

*And happy birthday to French actress Catherine Deneuve.*

10/15/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on October 15, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

I really wish pitchers still hit in the National League.

Imagine hiring Bill Belichick and being surprised he comes off as arrogant.

I am not ready for a world where Fred Warner had a horrific injury.

Dondero said that the defense and the running backs are in the back of the bus, while Maye and Vrabel are driving the bus. I don’t know if that’s a great analogy.

Hazel Mae did a spectacular job in that champagne storm the other night.

The trend of baseball players wearing Village People moustaches can’t end fast enough.

Non-meniscus injury Jaylen is way better.

Look at Pasta. Look at him. He’s the captain now.

Cakes are cooking for Willie O’Ree, Haim Saban, Jim Palmer, Richard Carpenter, Chris De Burgh, Joe Klecko, Jere Burns, Cathy Ladman, Kevin Harrington, Emeril Lagasse, Sarah Ferguson Duchess of York, Todd Solondz, Jorge Campos, Didier Deschamps, Dominic West, Fred Hoiberg, Ginuwine, Elena Dementieva, Keyshia Cole, Jessie Ware, Jesse Levine, and Anthony Joshua.

Yeah? Well, Optum is in first place for meet & greets, and has been for a while.

Late update to this: source says former Jaguars data scientist Claire Morrison is now an employee of the Vikings.

Sal Frelick just proved once again that you can never go wrong with a Boston College man.

No way Joe Flacco has only played for six teams.

Not many songs can pick your spirits up as quickly as Fats Domino singing the vastly underrated Walter Donaldson’s 1927 classic “My Blue Heaven.”

Drake Maye looks like the coolest of all the cucumbers out there today.

Watched this lady on tiktok pronounce penne as “peh-nay” before pouring her jarred sauce on her overcooked pasta and I almost launched myself into the sun.

Hey Cha Cha Malachi, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, a tie! “Oh, I guess that’s what that noise was,” and “It was dark, so I didn’t see anything.”

Imagine being so old your father was fired by Pop Warner.

Green Line Update: Service between Government Center, Union Square, and Medford/Tufts continues to stand by while personnel address the disabled train. Riders downtown should continue to use the Orange Line for alternate service.

Did I mention that in addition to visiting in all 50 states, and sleeping in all 50 states, I have been to a sporting event in all 50 states, plus Puerto Rico and the U. S. Virgin Islands?

Ahmad Rashad chooses better friends than Bill Belichick.

Teoscar Hernandez makes it clear he doesn’t believe in ghosts, but his wife does, so they have switched hotels in downtown Milwaukee.

Day is ending
birds are wending
Back to the shelter of
Each little nest they love.

Nightshades falling
lovers calling
What makes the World go round
Nothing but love

When whippoorwills call
And evening is nigh
I hurry to my
Blue Heaven.

I turn to the right
A little white light
Will lead you to my
Blue Heaven.

News Item: Research done by UTEP presents evidence that the Chiefs have benefited from slanted officiating from 2015 to 2023, a time that coincided with their rise as one of the NFL’s most marketable franchises.

The Bills didn’t have another ‘Damar Hamlin’ ready in time?

Gary Striewski and Randy Scott are very good with colors.

College kids from UNC think they scored with a Mark Farinella interview.

It’s going to suck when Seattle gets swept by the Dodgers.

Honk if you remember the 1987 NFL strike.

I swear it’s getting darker out earlier and earlier.

Are the Las Vegas Aces a dynasty? It’s quite possible, considering the particular and knowable number of Championships they have won.

Go check out free agency, Breggy. We won’t mind.

You did it, Humpy!

Rest up, sciatica is no joke, Lumbago King LeBron.

Best bet for the weekend: There’s only one answer- The Head of the Charles Regatta. Cya on the weekend thread.

*Super Sky Paws to Mercury the Football Cat. Never to be forgotten.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, Old Friend Lefty, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I ran out of gas. I… I had a flat tire. I didn’t have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn’t come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locus. It wasn’t my fault. I swear to god!

*And a happy belated 50th birthday to Bianca de la Garza, here seen tripping the light fantastic at her b-day bash with America’s Mayor, Rudy G.*

10/08/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on October 8, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Bill needs to dump that gold-digging whore. I’m talking about Freddie Kitchens, obviously.

The Boston Bruins quest for The Cup begins tonight, with no less than three alternate Captains. Leadership will evolve organically.

I’m hearing that Barstool just hired Frederica Bimmel.

Zdeno Chara will be the first player to hang his jersey up in the rafters without needing a pulley system.

You’re all pissing me off the album is good and it’s ok if you think it’s bad but like it’s not my problem. She’s cringe. Expecting her not to be cringe was your problem. BTW, this is how many of us felt about “Pop” in 1997.

If H. Paul Rico were alive he would crack down on the Bills Mafia.

For many of us this is a baseball High Holy Day, the 69th anniversary of Don Larsen’s Perfect Game. Or, as some prefer, Yogi’s Leap.

I like that Mark Sanchez went back to the bar after being stabbed. You can’t teach that.

Cakes are cooking for Rona Barrett, Paul Hogan, Fred Cash, Chevy Chase, R.L. Stine, Ray Royer, Hamish Stuart, Sigourney Weaver, Robert “Kool” Bell, Edward Zwick, Michael Dudikoff, Bill Elliott, Darrell Hammond, Stephanie Zimbalist, Joe Castiglione, Nick Bakay, Tony Eason, Reed Hastings, CeCe Winans, Matt Biondi, Emily Procter, Karyn Parsons, Matt Damon, Soon-Yi Previn, Monty Williams, Donnie Abraham, DJ Q-Ball, Kristanna Loken, Nick Cannon, The Miz, Raffi Torres, Travis Pastrana, Bruno Mars, Bubba Wallace, G Herbo, and Bella Thorne.

Cam In Taunton actually applied for a job at Barstool, but they told him he was too thin.

.A Ferrari beefing with a Sauber? I’m sat.

Imagine what Christian Barmore could accomplish if he only knew how to read.

Never skip face day, bro.

Orange Line: This weekend, October 11 – 13. No Train service between Forest Hills and North Station due to signal work. Use Shuttle buses between Forest Hills and Back Bay. Use the Green Line between Copley and North Station.

Hey Hogdale, You don’t need to work blue! You’ll never play the big rooms with that crap. Ask Redd Foxx. You don’t need the blue stuff, kid, you got talent!

Bob, I was lucky enough to watch the whole game on Black and White TV. I skipped school that day. I don’t think we will ever see that again. The present managers would have Larsen out in the 6th. I thought Jackie Robinson would break up the Perfect game. It was a joyous day. I interviewed Don Larsen many years later.

Most teams play better when they aren’t too busy being dumb.

Hey gang of pill hurlers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “when you grip the hide, hide your grip!”

Trying not to let small disappointments determine my day.

Good radio bit for Dondy: ranking the greatest sports stabbings. “OJ had the panache, but I gotta give the edge to Seles here. And Pierce gotta be top 3.”

We skipped the light fandango
Turned cartwheels ‘cross the floor
I was feeling kind of seasick
But the crowd called out for more.
The room was humming harder,
As the ceiling flew away.
When we called out for another drink-
The waiter brought a tray-

And so it was that later
As the miller told his tale.
That her face, at first just ghostly,
Turned a whiter shade of pale.

Foxboro Stadium in the 70s at a night game would kill everyone in Western NY and then invade Canada.

Honk if you remember Hyacinth Bucket.

Why make a name for yourself when you can just ride your dad’s coattails? Must be nice.

I can’t imagine being excited about that time 69 years ago when I read about a baseball game a day after it happened. And then saw the Movietone News highlights a week later between the Bowery Boys and the latest Abbott and Costello feature. I’m sure it was magical.

I can’t WAIT to bust out my Irish cardigan soon!

Has the Widow Russell forbidden Bill’s kids from using his bridge?

Much. Needed. Rain.

Well now I’m hearing Bill is giving his players warm Gatorade! An alum can’t pony up his buyout wad fast enough!

Puka Nacua remains a must-start in all formats.

Imagine not hating your job.

Either die a Marv Levy or coach long enough to become a Joe Gibbs.

Passed out at 6-1. The Yankees came back and won?!?!?!

Bert Bell created the Himmy Award in 1949. The Philadelphia Eagles’ Steve Van Buren took home the first one.

Best bet for the weekend: Football Cat’s win streak starts again.

We had a very funny footer gag planned comparing Mac’s outfit to something the Batman villain Two Face would wear, “Heads interception, tails nut-crushing fumble.” but then he had to go out there and own. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Pick Up the Pieces.

And happy heavenly birthday to Johhny Ramone and to C.J. Ramone, who is not pictured here and may still be alive.

10/01/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on October 1, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

If the New York Yankees had won last night Karl Ravech was going to drive non-stop to Cooperstown and hand deliver the game footage to the Baseball Hall of Fame.

The Patriots are arguably the best 2-2 team in the AFC East.

Oh, I know how get-off-my-lawnish this may sound, but the fuss about a Super Bowl halftime show eludes me. Just give me a good marching band.

It took all of Europe’s best golfers playing out of their minds to just barely beat the scrappy US Ryder Cup squad. I hope they’re very proud for that.

Oh, you know, that old New England seaside tradition, “ringing the fog bell?”

Can you imagine Kendra Middleton eating fried dough at the Topsfield Fair? The zaniness would be off the charts! LOL

The Raiders let the Bears block the kick so no one would say Tom Brady’s classified intel helped them win.

Humiliating Mut is my favorite Barstool thing ever.

Watching the Wild Card game reminds me that the late Larry Johnson could not freehand draw the Yankees logo. At all.

Cakes are cooking for Julie Andrews, Rod Carew, Stephen Collins, Randy Quaid, Earl Slick, Larry Miller, Jeff Reardon, Leslie Burr-Howard, Theresa May, Martin Cooper, Michelle Bauer, Youssou N’dour, Elizabeth Dennehy, Esai Morales, Mark McGwire, Roberto Kelly, Cliff Ronning, Christopher Titus, Mike Pringle, Scot Young, Zach Galifianakis, Rudi Johnson, Johnny Oduya, Matt Cain, and Brie Larson.

Seth, Good luck on your Book. I wrote in my Book that the two most important positions in America are the President and the Quarterback.

I’m convinced the Sullivan Tire Guy is Greater Boston’s Jimmy Savile.

All Lynn Ferry service is cancelled for the remainder of today, October 1, due to rough seas

Tyreek Hill’s leg snapped easier than a three-year old’s arm. What?

Hey gang of stackers, this week’s Phrased that Pays is, “Mut just got cucked by Hogdale.”

That Ceddanne at bat against Weaver was one of the coolest things my eyes have ever seen. Like seeing a minotaur.

Fun Fact: ‘The Fog Belles’ was the name of the San Francisco 49ers first cheerleading squad.

How does a car race go to overtime?

Ravech acting like Judge playing right field on roller skates is making plays out there like he’s Willie Mays.

I’ll say it again: if you want to be a creator, don’t let brands exploit you. A massive food company just asked me to eat something so spicy it required a safety waiver and for zero pay. I’ve been doing this for 10 years and still get offers like this. No one will advocate for you but you. If a brand says, ‘no compensation, just community,’ the answer is NO. They don’t get to use your image for clicks and their gain for none of your own, because I promise they have the budget. The end.

Fire Country is at least an actual phrase. Sheriff Country makes no sense.

Red Sox Alumni News: Nice to see Francona bring the Reds to the playoffs. Ely De La Cruz is a fun player to watch. Rafi Devers played 163 games this season. Gary Allenson is still alive.

Cam has good rabbit-killing hands.

Zooey Deschanel looks completely different without bangs.

I’m jk I know this usually means a retirement tour or whatever but I have declared the Kings my punching bag of the year.

If you leave, don’t leave now
Please don’t take my heart away
Promise me just one more night
Then we’ll go our separate ways
We’ve always had time on our sides
Now it’s fading fast
Every second, every moment
We’ve got to, we’ve gotta make it last

I touch you once, I touch you twice
I won’t let go at any price
I need you now like I need you then
You always said we’d still be friends someday

I always knew Nick Sogard and Nate Eaton would be big for the Red Sox in the playoffs.

Honk if you remember ‘Memphis Seoul.’

Portland Heart of Pine playing on a field with both football and soccer markings is confusing.

Smokey Joe Wood? He was a problem.

Live is one of the few bands actually worse than Nirvana.

Happy trails, Al Horford. You will be missed.

I can’t name one Zac Bryan or Eric Church song, and I’m guessing neither can Gerry Callahan.

The Ryder Cup Envelope Rule?

Best bet for the weekend: early whiteout conditions in Buffalo. Check for Skyway closure announcements!

*Douglas, Henry, & Diggs could get used to winning.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, Old Friend Hacksaw, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Souma Yergon, Sou Nou Yergon. We are shakin’ the tree.

*And happy Birthday to model and actress Cindy Margolis, the one-time ‘Most Downloaded Person in the world’*

09/24/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on September 24, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Oh, good the new 2004 Red Sox documentary has JFK and forced busing in it. I was scared they were going to leave those out.

Not sure if Coach Parcells should be purchasing green bananas when he goes to buy the groceries.

Jayson Tatum is now a spokesperson for Vertex Pharmaceuticals after using their new non-opioid pain drug, Journavx, following Achilles surgery. The FDA approved the drug earlier this year.

omfg it just dawned on me that we have a fantastic chance of getting a Lyss v Nai WNBA Finals, and if that wouldn’t be the best thing ever, I don’t even know what to say anymore.

Whenever there’s a Minihane live show, do the Minifans pick a Designated Survivor?

Red Sox are 5-2 now in minor league ballparks this season.

Jeff Hardy is aging in dog years.

Pats wore the throwback uniforms. Edelman rang the lighthouse bell; what more were they supposed to do?

Cakes are cooking for Joe Greene, Jerry Donahue, Gorgon Clapp, Emilio Castillo, Kristina Wayborn, Joseph P. Kennedy II, Hubie Brooks, Brad Bird, Kevin Sorbo, Allen Bestwick, Mike Phelan, Nia Vardalos, Rafael Palmeiro, Sean McNabb, Bernard Gilkey, Kevin Koslofski, Shawn Crahan, Megan Ward, Eddie George, Kyle Turley, Stephanie McMahon, Daniele Bennati, Drew Gooden, Ryan Briscoe, Paul Hamm, and Lisa Wang.

Alex Cora told the media Payton Tolle will pitch out of the bullpen for the remainder of the season.

2/3 of Irsay’s daughters… WOULD.

The homeless Athletics came into your house and beat YOU!

Fitchburg Line Diversion Reminder: Saturday, Sept. 27th & Sunday, Sept. 28th Red & Green Line subway service will replace regular Commuter Rail service between North Station and Porter. This allows for North Station Terminal Area Signal System Improvement work.

You HAVE to tag Jerry Thornton when you get a divorce. No way around it.

I have to wonder if Sal still would have created cancel culture all those years ago if he could have foreseen how it would eventually be used.

Bruins scoring goals in bunches, nice to see, even in preseason.

Tried to use AI to put together my fantasy football lineup for this weekend. Complete trash. Everyone’s jobs are safe.

‘I don’t want the bass loaded anymore?’ What an idiot Lou Meloni is. The term is ‘loaded diamond.’

Zolak’s pronunciation of “Steelers” isn’t triggering at all.

Hey mean and not for everyone gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “It’s nothing scandalous, it’s just some broad on the internet.”

Wyomissing translates from the Lenape to ‘brook full of trull.’

I hope years of forced bicoastal living won’t place undue strain on Attorney Jackson’s marriage.

Dallas Braden seems like if Pat McAfee was in the Lumineers.

What if I don’t like Millwall? What then?

It’s almost like sportswriting attracts a disproportionate number of talentless losers.

Kirk Minihane might be retarded.

You’ve got “toss the egg yolk” money in this economy? Must be nice.

Walked into a strange cafe
No one there’s ever heard my name
Go to the bar, have a seat
Talk to that woman sittin’ next to me

She ask me in a voice so low,
She ask me if I come in here alone.
She ask me nicely, “Can I buy you a drink?”
You know I think she likes me, that’s what I think,
I think she likes me, that’s what I think.

Can someone who has covered the NFL longer than I explain why all nine Patriots-Steelers games from 1981 to 1995 were in Pittsburgh? Was there no rhyme or reason to NFL scheduling? Just going off vibes?

Kay Adams debuting the ‘bait for a gang initiation beatdown’ look is certainly a bold decision.

Kenny Anderson: wash cloth user.

Honk if you remember NASCL’s Enemies List.

I bet if they try even harder the media can make one more person care about the Tom Brady “conflict of interest” storyline.

Vocal fry in a male is very off-putting.

Whenever Donald Trump comes after one of Bill Simmons’ friends he stops talking about Belichick. So who’s to say whether him forcing ABC to cancel Jimmy Kimmel is a bad thing or not.

Also, I really wanna go 100% on this but…I can’t cancel Disney+…I just can’t. Marvel has a hold on me. Disney/Pixar movies have a hold on me. Shit, Hulu does somewhat too. And now with WWE moving their PLE’s there? Ugh. I’m sorry. I’m still 99% with everyone though!

It’s good to be on the good side of the crazy coworker.

Ramondre knows he has to be better!

Rub some dirt on it, David Fry. Walk it off. You’re okay.

Can you imagine Kendra Middleton going to the Big E? Hahahahaha zoinks!!

Best bet for the weekend: New England improves to 2-2.

*Bruce Allen Jr, the indispensable founder of the Boston Sports Media Watch website. A good man, a kind man, a tall man. Taken from us too soon*. *He will be greatly missed.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Walk, Don’t Run.

*And there’s some leftover cake in the break room from THE BUTCHIE’S birthday yesterday.*

“Where are my blue cupcakes!?”

Don, it’s RAH SHERSHONNAH, so a SHONER TOVER to you and yours. And just so you know, the only state I’ll recognize is RED SOX NATION!

09/17/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on September 17, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*It always comes back to baseball, Danny. Robert Redford 1936-2025.*

First The Whammer, then Bump Bailey, and now Mr. Roy Hobbs? 2025 is clearing out the cast of The Natural.

I have as many FBS wins as Notre Dame this season and I’m not in the AP Top 25.

Well, to the good, in a couple of weeks Mike McDaniel will be able to use his Breitling watch to tell time.

So the show about the entertainment industry cleaned up at the Emmys? That never happens.

Tom Brady. A 24-year journey from from Mo Lewis to Mo Atta.

After Borregales missed 2 xp’s Patriots fans were ready to check him for disqualifying tattoos.

Too soon to call Carles Gil a coach killer?

Cakes are cooking for Phil Jackson, Fee Waybill, Cassandra Peterson, Rita Rudner, Scott Simpson, John Franco, Steve Clifford, Ty Tabor, Baz Luhrmann, Paul Feig, Bryan Singer, Kyle Chandler, Anastacia, Mark Brunell, David Reid, Rasheed Wallace, Jimmie Johnson, Flo Rida, Danny Haren, Eugenia Volodina, Alex Ovechkin, Mason Raymond, and Patrick Mahomes II.

Pablo Torre may be a strange lil fella who’s more obsessed with Jordon Hudson than Coach Bill himself, but he does seem to have Steve Ballmer dead to rights.

Cool limp, bro.

I hope Mike Reiss is going to demand a personal apology from the nepo GM for drafting Ja’Lynn Polk.

Red Line: Delays of about 15 minutes due to police activity at Harvard.

‘Wake Up Barstool?’ That just makes one think of all the Barstool Rohypnol ‘n Foam parties back in the day.

If the Red Sox lose out they will finish 82-80. They were 81-81 last year.

Stefon Diggs and Cardi will definitely have to play zone and not man with all them kids.

You can say anything you like
But you can’t touch the merchandise
She’ll give you every penny’s worth
But it will cost you a dollar first

You can step outside your little world
(Step outside your world)
You can talk to a pretty girl
She’s everything you dream about…

(But don’t fall in love) She’s a beauty
(She’s one in a million girl) One in a million girl
(Why would I lie?) Why would I lie?

Congratulations to WNBA KIA Most Improved Player Award Winner Veronica Burton.

Another 2004 Red Sox documentary in the offing? Who asked for that?

And that goes double for Nana Gary Myers’ book.

I’m not saying you fiddled with the thermostat, but I didn’t set the heat at 55 degrees and the AC at 80.

Honk if you remember the Montrealer train.

I wonder if Pablo Torre is going to investigate the Saudi Flag Football League.

David Pastrnak will be limited in the first few days for training camp with an undisclosed injury.

Molly Qerim is a free agent.

Best bet for the weekend: Christian Gonzalez’s hamstring keeps him inactive vs Pittsburgh.

*Perpetually skeptical as to CLNS. Charlie Kirk 1993-2025*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur, and things of that nature.

*And Happy Birthday to British actress Ella Purnell.*

*I hope Fred isn’t listing his height as 6’1″ on Grindr.*

09/10/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on September 10, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Jerod Mayo won his first game as HC. Just sayin’.

Stupid me thought Kawhi’s LA Clippers contract was the no show job! <Rodney Dangerfield.gif>

Just catch the 95 MPH fastball you weren’t expecting. What’s the big deal? But you know who else wasn’t expecting a fast one down the middle? That’s right: John O’Keefe.

Dondy is gonna own the 2030’s

No mass shooting at UMass Lowell last week means the Shedd Park incident still the worst catastrophe in Lowell history.

“Jump Around”(1992) is not a great walkout choice for Super Bowl champs on opening night.

Pam Oliver is morphing into Harriet Tubman.

Brazil can be a dangerous country. A friend of mine lives there.

The subtext of The Departed is that Nicholson’s character is an impotent homosexual who grooms young, impressionable men into a life of crime. So yeah, I’m fucking JACKED UP for football season!

A tale of two rookie pitchers by facial hair… Payton Tolle: gets a 5 o’clock shadow at 3 p.m. Connelly Early: shaves once a month whether he needs it or not.

Get ready for the ‘Words and Phrases People Associate With Bill Belichick in Context’ website to bring the heat!

Cakes are cooking for Artie Tripp, Danny Hutton, José Feliciano, Larry Nelson, Judy Geeson, Barriemore Barlow, Bill O’Reilly, Don Muraco, Don Powell, Joe Perry, Gary Danielson, Amy Irving, Pat Mastelotto, Johnny Hickman, Carol Decker, Kate Burton, Siobhan Fahey, Chris Columbus, Colin Firth, Randy Johnson, John E. Sununu, Joe Nieuwendyk, Robin Goodridge, Big Daddy Kane, Guy Ritchie, Julie Halard-Decugis, Paula Kelley, Ben Wallace, Ryan Phillippe, Timothy Goebel, Misty Copeland, Joey Votto, Coco Rocha, Jordan Staal, and Brooke Henderson.

Rob Bradford was a Make-A-Wish kid who never died.

How are you, a grown ass 40+ year old adult, not using the correct form of “you’re” in a company wide email you sent to the owner of the company? You ARE…not ‘your’…what’re we doing here? This is like Day 1 school stuff.

Collinsworth looks like he got his makeup done at the funeral home.

Winthrop Ferry Notice: Service will bypass Seaport through the end of service today, Sept 10, due to construction for the Red Bull Cliff Diving World Series. Passengers can use the 712/713 bus between Orient Heights and Winthrop for alternate service.

Trying to find a 5’5” Asian male in Lowell? Good luck!

Maxx Crosby looks like a guy from one of Sons of Anarchy’s affiliate clubs in Oregon that gets introduced and killed in the same episode.

Twitter is now just literal Nazis and then guys who argue about Tom Brady, for some reason.

I’m worried about the Red Sox.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I miss taking walks in the woods with you and my wiener.”

I’d like to see a throwback NFL game where they install a dirt baseball infield.

Too bad the Celtics didn’t pay Jrue and Porzingis with tree money.

To call a game because of a thunderstorm is ridiculous. The Eagles played the Cardinals in a blizzard in 1948. I was there. – Upton Bell.

Is 38 Studios moving to the Seaport too?

You can’t put a number on how many kids I want to see catch measles in Florida.

Hockey things are happening. Rookie Camp is underway!

50% of my enjoyment from watching the Messi Barca teams was thanks to Ray’s commentary of the matches. Ray made me a fan and judging by the comments here… that was true of so many others. Congrats on a magesteeeeeeerial run.

Micah Parsons chasing down Jared Goff legit looked like a video you’d see on Animal Planet.

Ohio State beat Grambling like they whistled at a white woman. What?

Haha.. it said a New England Journal of Medicine study. So, its actually easier to sauce and get jacked than to be a natty daddy and just do the work.

Watching the game over this morning: I’m infuriated by the way TreVeyon Henderson was used in this game.

Early wins > Early Wynn * (* Adjusted for recency bias)

So the Billy Joel song, ‘Scenes From an Italian Restaurant’, is that restaurant Mr. Cacciatore’s, down on Sullivan Street
across from the medical center?

My gen alpha niece just asked me if I’ve seen the movie “KPop Demon Hunters.”

Will Campbell with a compression sock on his left ankle. Looked fine.

Is Jeff Howe selling Never Forget 9/3/25 merch for charity yet?

Jeremiah was a bull frog
Was a good friend of mine
I never understood a single word he said
But I helped him drink his wine
And he always had some mighty fine wine.

Singin’
Joy to the world
All the boys and girls, now
Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea
Joy to you and me.

Alls I’m saying is Bill Belchick wasn’t this petty a person until he was a media member for like, five months.

Honk if you remember Subway Flatizzas.

I worry less about the shoulder with Boutte then the clavicle.

News Item: Arthur Demoulas removed as Market Basket president, CEO. Time is a flat circle of sawdust.

If I’m going to take any health advice from an ex-junkie, It’s going to be Keith Richards.

Imagine having the audacity to criticize professional athletes for being too proud of a championship.

Patriots HC Mike Vrabel: DC Terrell Williams will be away for the next few days. Unrelated to the incident from March. Something that just came up. Plan is to run some tests.

Jeffrey Simmons always seems so under control and level headed.

Best bet for the weekend: Coach Drip in Miami needing a win to save his job.

Not the first time Dougie Meehan has pulled 7 G’s in one day! (Danger Zone guitar riff)

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, Old Friend Larry Legend, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Roll us both down a mountain and I’m sure the fat man would win.

09/03/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on September 3, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*Let’s go RED Sox! (weird Tom Werner cadence)*

All the cvnts who were performatively rooting for TCU Monday are the same ones who told us they were just being unbiased for years.

“The diamond is loaded” is absolutely a thing that people say.

I already want Tommy DeVito and his greasy butt plug of a manager dead.

All these years Boston sports fans hated Peyton Manning. Now they love Payton Pritchard and Payton Tolle. Amazing what swapping out an E for an A will do.

The next Jordon Hudson joke is going to be the funny one; I can feel it.

Brennan Bernardino looks like Noel Gugliemi.

They gave his radio show to a puffy whore. They took away his casino access. They made him angry. And you don’t make Dan Lifshatz angry.

Cakes are cooking for Dick Motta, Al Jardine, Dave Eichelberger, Valerie Perrine, Eric Bell, Don Brewer, Steve Jones, Costas Mandylor, Spike Feresten, Charlie Sheen, Chris Gatling, Luis Gonzalez, Keith Traylor, Martin Straka, Damon Stoudamire, Jevon Kearse, Garrett Hedlund, Shaun White, Dominic Thiem, Kaia Gerber, and Eileen Gu.

Jimmy Bulger would have turned 95 today too, Danny. But as the Bard wrote, “violent delights have violent ends.”

Hey gang of three-color carbonless invoice enthusiasts, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Do you have other plans today, or is that it?”

Old, white guys really love coffee.

The home run leader in the American League and the National League are both from the Cape Cod League. You’re welcome.

Green Line D Branch Reminder: Through September 11 Shuttle buses are replacing service between Kenmore and Riverside for maintenance work. Express shuttles are operating between Newton Highlands and Copley.

You know it’s a big event when Blake Snell shows up.

People from New England that use y’all should be shot in the face.

Someone please give James Gunn a hug and tell him how proud they are about how many obscure comic book characters he knows.

Nobody sweats enough to need 5000+ mgs of sodium a day.

Lays knows how to make potato chips, their Sour Cream & Onion and Barbecue flavors especially.

On May 13, 2004, the Boston Red Sox were blown out 12-6 by the Toronto Blue Jays and got passed for first place in the AL East by the New York Yankees. Roman Anthony was born that day. The rest is history.

I love when people pretend not understand why Irish-American Catholics root for Notre dame. So silly!

My dad is going to hang himself because my mom will watch the auto-previews on Netflix for hours and not pick anything to actually watch.

Good job, rookie Oriental golfer lady.

Noel Gugliemi is an American actor best known for his portrayals of Southern Californian gangsters.

Matt Patricia rolling out an overload sim with Caleb Downs on the line paired with a coffee house stunt the other way. Hooooo boy.

If the Sun moves to Boston, and assuming they adopt the Celtics colors and theme, they should absolutely be renamed the Banshees.

Not Luis Suarez!

Portugal is advancing to the next round of EuroBasket after a thrilling win following Neemias Queta’s ejection.

Roman has a strained oblique? Oh! Bleak!

Ay these edits on Tik Tok these days are on another level ! I don’t know what they are feeding these young hustlers but my goodness! Keep goin crazy!!!

Four young chiquitas in Omaha
A waitin’ for the band to return from the show
Feelin’ good, feelin’ right, it’s Saturday night
The hotel detective, he was outta sight

Now these fine ladies, they had a plan
They was out to meet the boys in the band
They said, “Come on dudes, let’s get it on”
And we proceeded to tear that hotel down.

I really feel like Saturdays are for Dr. Pepper ads and Sundays are for State Farm. Make it happen.

Woah, they released Buehler?

Honk if you remember the longest game in Fenway Park’s history, a 20 inning 8-7 loss to Seattle.

It’s time for Captain’s Skate at WARRIOR ICE ARENA already?

Well actually, Pete Rose is still not in the Baseball Hall of Fame, Mr. President.

Good for you, Jeff Howe. Way to wrest control from that dangerous spiral of six beers a week.

Tommy DeVito…we’re supposed to believe that this is a real person?

SportsChannel and NESN were $20/month on Continental Cablevision in the 80s. I paid for it with my paper route.

Wrexham has a midget.

With whom is Drake Maye getting his revenge? His elementary school teachers?

Kenny Anderson understands brand loyalty!

BC Eagles looking good early.

Best bet for the weekend: win or lose, no Gatorade bath for Coach Vrabes.

*You don’t need an official captain to hold a Captains’ Skate.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. We lose 80 minutes of daylight in September.

And happy birthday to statuesque Gold Medal-winning softball pitcher Jennie Finch.

08/27/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on August 27, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*Fake real Snoopy or real fake Snoopy? Here’s how to tell.*

Bill really should have done better with picks 29 thru 32 in the first round of the draft, caller.

I hope the young Red Sox players took note of Lowe’s textbook feet first slide into second on his double in the 7th.

Going to Philly for Kobe’s birthday is the ultimate “look at me” move.

Giving everyone a variation of the job title Dummy was a mistake on our part. The flow chart is very confusing.

Tim Hill of the New York Yankees has horse thief physiognomy.

John Dennis also gave himself over to a higher power in a Cracker Barrel parking lot.

Todd Choi just took to the official Fictional Friction account to dispel rumors he has retired from the band. It amazes me on a daily basis how much fake made up clickbait is out there every hour. And how many people believe it without considering the source and circulate it.

Not charging a error because the guy doesn’t touch the baseball is the dumbest logic on the planet.

Cakes are cooking for Chip Douglas, Tuesday Weld, G. W. Bailey, Barbara Bach, Charles Fleischer, Don Miguel Ruiz, Alex Lifeson, Peter Stormare, Derek Warwick, Robert Richardson, Bernhard Langer, Tom Ford, Downtown Julie Brown, Cesar Millan, Chandra Wilson, Jim Thome, Tony Kanal, Chris Imes, Mike Smith, Jonny Moseley, Mase, Sarah Chalke, Aaron Paul, Sarah Neufeld, Patrick J. Adams, and Breanna Stewart.

Why do dads NEVER sneeze at an appropriate volume?

The Miz deserves all his flowers, btw. Always entertaining. Solid matches. Main event. Mid card. Comedy. Ambassador. He’s valuable. #SmackDown

So Felger doesn’t talk to Jim Murray off the air? Stick tap to Mike for that.

Worcester Line Train 510 (5:45 am from Worcester) will terminate at Framingham today. Passengers will be accommodated by the next inbound train to depart Framingham Train 1512 (6:35 am from Framingham) will make all local stops.

The Moreno family in Saniago says hi.

Masataka Yoshida means ‘slow dribbler’ in Japanese.

Hey gang of yoked weirdos, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Yeah, go power wash the trees, I don’t give a fuck, just leave us alone.”

Someone told Fred Toucher that black is slimming and he just fucking ran with it.

A kid tangentially related to the Anaheim Ducks died of brain cancer. Shukri will be his biggest mourner once he finds out who this guy was.

physiognomy is just a phenomenal descriptor.

Whenever I see service dogs, they seem way happier than I would be if I were in their paws. If I were a dog I’d want to be lazy all day, the last thing I’d want to do is work. But I reckon they’re thrilled because it means they’re always included.

Has anyone in in history said, “man those lip fillers are hot”?

Red Sox will open the 2026 schedule in Cincinnati against the Reds March 26..

Vancouver – St Louis might have been the most fixed MLS game ever.

Kinda love Rajon Rondo forgoing his destiny of being an NBA coach to play flag football.

Love
Love will keep us together
Think of me, babe whenever
Some sweet-talking girl comes along
Singing his song
Don’t mess around
You just got to be strong

Just stop
‘Cause I really love you
Stop, I’ll be thinking of you
Look in my heart
And let love keep us together

I’m going to make this crystal clear for everyone in case it isn’t already: I cover Inter Miami. I am not a fan of Inter Miami. I report impartially on what the team does — whether it’s good, bad or in between. I’m not here to cheerlead, sugarcoat or do Inter Miami PR.

Honk if you remember Samuel Gompers.

If you get annoyed at the gym every day that’s on you at some point.

God don’t like ugly.

Am I supposed to know who the father/son guys are in the Gillette Labs razor commercial?

I love the in-game interviews with the ESL infielders.

Gotta feel for Shedeur & Shilo. Second generation professional athletes never can catch a break!

I’ll be honest, Mazz tweeting with replies turned off is a great troll job.

Neemias Queta. Owning.

It’s the 58th anniversary of Tartabull’s Throw. Good Red Sox fans know what that means.

Best bet for the weekend: college football being officially back with Week 1 action.

*We love BdlG but those sunglasses are wearing *her*.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. The summer’s out of reach.