The 15

Trey Lance and the Niners really are what happens when you let the idiots on Twitter make the decisions.

Dave O’Brien starts the broadcast with his favorite topic. Weather from earlier in the day that has no bearing on the game we’re about to watch.

All the worst people were emotionally invested in the Ravens meaningless ‘streak’.

The new Burger King spicy chicken wrap is actually really good. Like if I ordered it as a sandwich at a bar for $12.99 I’d be happy with it.

NFL dumb rule proposal: Every team should have to have their punter wear No. 0 and their kicker wear No. 99 (or vice versa).

Cakes are cooking for Rick Springfield, Skipp Sudduth, Julio Franco, Glenn Healy, Ray Ferraro, Jeremy Schaap, Joe Andruzzi, Kate Sobrero, Sun Mingming, Glen Johnson, and Jeremy Lin,

I like the idea of Belichick toiling away in a dark windowless room in the bowels of Gillette Stadium watching film of the Eagles pass rush by himself for the last 37 hours, and all of a sudden he hears the faint echo of “We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together” and he stumbles up a ramp to see what all this racket is about, and is impressed by whoever this woman is playing through the elements.

TikTok wasn’t even invented the last time the Ravens lost a preseason game!

Bucko Kilroy has a grandson named Gavin, Kevin.

Malik Cunningham has played receiver, quarterback and now as a kickoff returner this preseason. Pretty cool.

Hey cowboy gang, this week’s Phrase that pays is, “Struggle bunny.”

Red Line Reminder: Shuttle buses replace service between Quincy Center and Braintree from 8:45 PM to end of service on Aug 22 – 24 for track and tie replacement work.

Dumb people love excessive punctuation.

Embarrassed to just learn that Stephon Gilmore has a brother named Steven Gilmore who is a rookie corner on the Lions.

Got a good reason
For taking the easy way out
Got a good reason
For taking the easy way out now.

She was a day tripper
One way ticket, yeah
It took me so long

To find out;

And I found out.

“Most consecutive preseason wins” seems more like a Colts thing, complete with banner.

Wife asks “Do you like the Ezekiel Elliott deal? Answered very much so.

There are no cool people that take ketamine.

Wait, Robbie Anderson changed his last name to Chosen? I thought he had changed his first name…

I’ve learned that Pete is not actually a lawyer.

Our President is older than the American League MVP in 1968, or the NL MVP from 1970.

Honk if you remember River Phoenix.

The Jets officially placed WR Corey Davis on the reserve/retired list, per the wire.

Upton’s arguing for guys to get into the Hall of Fame who haven’t played pro football in 60+ years. If it takes that long, you simply weren’t good enough.

A 53-point night for A’ja Wilson!

But Trey was awesome in that one fake game he played in college!

Terry Funk was still alive? RIP.

Robert should ask Putin for his Soupey ring back.

I like Pascoag. Has a microbrewery.

Best bet for the weekend: sportswriters at the Springsteen show at Gillette.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Hey Bulldog.

Glad to have had you on the ice for the Bruins, David Krejčí. You’ll be missed.

Red Sox still definitely in the wild card playoff hunt.

Porzingis’s foot caught the ol’ Hellenic Flu?

Sooo happy to see Damar Hamlin back on the field after the NFL bent to the Buffalo Bills wishes and cancelled a game and were a cvnt hair away from mandating neutral-site playoff games in perpetuity. Yayyyy!

I can’t believe the Gov. of Hawaii is named Josh Green. Any state can have a ‘Josh Green’. Hawaii should have a guy named like, ‘Governor Haunapukamana’lei’lei.’

Portnoy definitely bought Barstool for a dollar because he’s such a shrewd negotiator, and not just because Penn thought it was worthless.

A Cape League Championship Two-peat for your Bourne Braves!

Remember August 2020, watching the Stanley Cup Playoffs being played in the bubble in Toronto & Edmonton? What a time it was for us all.

News Item: Tom Brady becomes part owner of Birmingham City FC. Related, Boston Globe reporter Bob Hohler is on a plane en route to Birmingham Airport.

The Spanish Ladies do not wish to say farewell and adieu quite yet.

Cakes are cooking for John Howard, Reginald Veljohnson, James Cameron, Madonna, Christian Okoye, Steve Carell, Ed Olczyk, Ben Coates, Bonnie Bernstein, Taika Waititi, Vanessa Carlton, Evanna Lynch, and Young Thug.

Chipotle tastes ten times better with the Chipotle forks.

I wonder if the NHL set a record this summer for player weddings.

Tawm’s offensive identity is, of course, ‘jilted tuber.’

Wander Franco is going to be so vindicated when it’s revealed the gal had a Dominican birth certificate and she’s actually six months older than he is.

Mike Gesicki’s injury, is it a mild shoulder dislocation (glenohumeral) or is it a mild shoulder separation (AC joint)?

Hey gang of name not knowers, this Week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Just stop Pat you’ve been defeated.”

Keion White wearing #99 is obviously the best aesthetic of all the rookie numbers. Perfect fit. Mapu (#30), Douglas (#81), and Boutte (#80) are all good, too. But White is about to destroy some QBs in 99.

Also trying to pinpoint the exact date a genre of music was spawned seems very quantifiable.

I might be wrong about this, but isn’t Rhode Island considered a New England state? Yet they play in the LLWS Metro regional not the New England regional? Maybe I’ve been misinformed all these years?

Red Line Braintree Branch: Service will operate on a single track at Quincy Center on the northbound side. Personnel are addressing a disabled train at Quincy Center southbound. Expect delays of about 15 minutes. Trains may stand by at stations.

The Red Sox will not be wearing their City Connect uniforms on the road.

Why do I enjoy “Hot Ones,” the YouTube show in which celebrities try to conduct an interview while eating super-hot chicken wings? Watching Gal Gadot having to spit out one of the hotter sauces may have made my year. No one else makes agony look so good.

No one else hears music?

Hard to find another job as a barely educated, wrestling-obsessing, Chinese food eating, pedophile-looking, fist-posing, 40-something-year old cat fetishist, I guess. Who knew?

Not many tight ends have a real path to leading their team in targets. Darren Waller is one of them.

Why is everybody so down on the Cardinals? They’re not even the worst team in Missouri. . ..

When you’re rolling through a YouTube kids songs playlist and an ad pops up in the middle of a song, it’s like a drive-killing holding penalty. Wipes out all your momentum.

Zeke’s stay with the Patriots is already longer than Greg Bedard’s at the LVRJ.

Gonna have fun in the city.
Be with my girl, she’s so pretty
She looks fine tonight
She is out of sight to me.
Tonight I’ll spend my bread, tonight
I’ll lose my head, tonight
I’ve got to get to night
Monday I’ll have Friday on my mind

You’re supposed to recycle the cardboard box the trash bags are packaged in you vapid bint.

Chipping sparrows!

Honk if you remember Dave Dravecky.

I missed the sales tax holiday? I guess I can replicate that by visiting the duty-free shop at Logan. Is the tunnel back open yet?

I wonder if the NHL set a record this summer for player weddings.

Serious, it’s like a small brass ensemble, repeating the same six or eight bars?

I do love a good Farmer’s Market. Gotta support those folks. They need it now more than ever.

A cat is only itself, representative of the strong forces of life that won’t let go.

Just found out Phil Coulter, who penned “The Town I Loved So Well,” also co-wrote “Saturday Night” by the Bay City Rollers. Mind officially blown. The things you hear on the Irish Hit Parade!

Best bet for the weekend: the temperate tundra of Lambeau Field.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Charles Bukowski, BSMW poster Lebron, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Gotta hold on you. A new sensation, (a new sensation) Right now. It’s gonna take you over. A new sensation, (a new sensation)

The Sox stumbling out of the gate post trade deadline after winning just enough to cancel the fire sale was the most predictable result ever.

Penn Entertainment gets the reach and cachet of ESPN, Portnoy gets to keep all the great big fat persons, the overage interchangeable frat bros, and Jerry Thornton. What a win! #GoPresGo

Well, to the good, Megan Rapinoe was voted ‘Most Likely to become one of Immortan Joe’s Imperators’ by the locals.

I checked the Saratoga results & saw Parcells’ horse finished out of the money, but I didn’t realize she ran all the way to the big paddock where Air Lift, son of Bold Venture, full brother of Assault now resides.

Bill Simmons should have had Jackie McMullen come on the podcast with his daughter Zoe and do her Jayson Tatum voice.

A great hitting instructor once said to me, when you’re hitting .145, try to bend over backwards while hitting. If the back of your head touches your heels before the pitch you’re doing it right.

Cakes are cooking for Bob Cousy, Rod Laver, Sam Elliott, Doug Williams, Melanie Griffith, Kurtis Blow, Brett Hull, Vinnie Del Negro, Gillian Anderson, Liz Vassey, Chamique Holdsclaw, Luka Filippi, and Alexa Bliss.

Are Cheech and Chong on the Twitter board of directors or something? Every tenth tweet is an ad for their gummies, lol

Sullivan Square is easily the biggest failure of Boston’s urban design. A nexus point of Charlestown, Cambridge, Somerville, Everett — fucked to death by cars. No stores. No real restaurants. One poorly staffed coffee shop. A bistro closed over a decade with shattered windows.

Yes, I’m fine. Sorry for that and I appreciate the concern. I slept through multiple phone alarms. Very disappointed about it.

Green Line B Branch: Due to a track problem at Boston College, B Branch trains are originating and terminating at the Lake Street platform.

Letting a wide receiver wear Adrian Peterson’s number should be considered treason.

Any time you can put a guy with a lower WAR than Ellis Burks, Mike Cameron, and Devon White in the HOF you have to do it, you sweet bastard.

No horse-killers in the Patriots Hall of Fame. Sorrey.

Hey gang of hard-knocking pigskin ornithologists, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Crows are the only birds that attack eagles then eagles fly high and the crows fall off and die.”

Does Dugie think being lazy makes him more authentically Mexican? IJATQ.

Nothing like ordering a new blender cause your old one broke only to find out it didn’t break, you just didn’t press the outlet reset button hard enough.

Kirk charging 90 bucks to perform six karaoke songs is fucking wild.

I have kept a baseball glove in my car for 5+ years just on the off chance that someone, someday might want to have a catch. It hasn’t happened yet, but I’m not giving up the dream.

It’s 2 A.M. (it’s 2 AM)
Fear has gone (the fear has gone)
I’m sittin’ here waitin’, (I’m sittin’ here waitin’)
The gun’s still warm. (the gun’s still warm)
Maybe my connection is tired of takin’ chances.

Yeah, there’s a storm on the loose.
Sirens in my head.
Wrapped up in silence, all circuits are dead.
Cannot decode,
My whole life spins into a frenzy..

The problem when your computer automatically updates your software is that there is never any way to make it go back to the way it was.

Things feel like they are getting uneasier by the day between the Colts and Jonathan Taylor.

How are we supposed to know you are trying to get to Fenway Park for work if you don’t mention that’s where you’re going.

Funny how the box the garbage bags come in will always then end up in one of those garbage bags.

Does this mean the bubble has burst on fat guys sitting in chairs fake reacting to made up bets?

Alexi Lalas is why they hate us.

Putting Rich Keefe in the booth with Castiglione is a mind-blowing move. I’d rather hear audio of my conception.

This Barstool reacquisition news means Lil Jerry Thornton can go back to celebrating statutory rape!

Honk if you remember W.C. Heinz.

William Friedkin won’t be down as he appears to have taken To Live and Die in L.A. a bit too literally. RIP.

$150 for a hot dog safari ripoff. What a country. #GoPresGo

Dwayne Haskins?

I’ll admit I was growing concerned Trev Story was going to barricade himself in the Table Talk Pies building rather than report to Fenway.

Yesterday I got to run the wet vac for the first time in ages.

Do you think ESPN Bets will take my ‘Dave Portnoy will die without a will before 2029’ prop bet action?

Best bet for the weekend: Patriots come out of their first preseason game without announcing who their QB1 and WR1 are.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, BSMW posters Laszlo Panaflex and Jforb, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be.

Hearing that Bruce Arena said Doris Burke isn’t very good at her job. He’s done.

Didn’t Verlander play for the Astros already?

The Reds Sox got Urias from Milwaukee? A little Amoxicillin will clear that right up.

If Alex Morgan’s exasperated looks were goals the US would be comfortably atop Group E.

Ask your doctor if Jhostynxon is right for you.

Just a refresher, Mike Giardi has always been a hot taking, over dramatic princess.

If you put native corn on the grill that is a complete waste.

Cakes are cooking for Joanna Cassidy, Ken Kutaragi, Les Dudek, Butch Patrick, Sammy McIlroy, Bryan “Butch” Vig, Caleb Carr, Mojo Nixon, Apollonia Kotero, Linda Fratianne, Mary-Louise Parker, Tim Wakefield, Cedric Ceballos, Kevin Smith, Tony Amonte, Susie O’Neill, Grady Sizemore, Davey Boy Smith Jr, Charli XCX, and Kristaps Porziņģis.

Don’t give up, gang. There’s still a chance that DJ Hernandez kills Bedard despite Aaron bafflingly passing up the opportunity.

Why does every NBA player have a fucking podcast?

Red Line Update: Delays of about 25 minutes due to an earlier disabled train at Davis. Service is proceeding.

Watched the ‘Secret Invasion’ finale and have come to the conclusion that Kevin Feige has been a Skrull since Avengers: Endgame.

Remember, creating a false W-2 is a crime.

That Jim Beam commercial is ridiculous. A bunch of black people singing Neil Diamond? More far-fetched than The Lord of the Rings.

Isn’t Bluesky still in beta?

The trick of going inside to avoid the long drive thru line that usually works at Chick-fil-A does NOT fly at Raising Cane’s in the Chicago suburbs, which is as slammed inside and out as slammed can be.

Had no idea Paxton had a knuckle curve.

If the NSWL had promotion and relegation this wouldn’t have happened.

Jayson Tatum lets Deuce go out in the direct sunlight? I figured he was like the children in that Nicole Kidman haunted house movie.

Highland Street Foundation August Adventures!

Hey gang of fearless truth-tellers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “The business isn’t about me anymore.”

Chaim should get more reclamation projects at second base.

If the Patriots pass catchers are so coverable, how come Hat in ass Brian’s unemployed?

Folks it would appear that the bubble braid is back.

When I was growing up, George Brett, Wade Boggs and Mike Schmidt were all playing 3rd Base in MLB. I’d argue they are the 3 greatest to ever do it.

A summer party without a cake…is like a rainy day!

p = mv.

The percentage you’re paying is too high priced,
While you’re living beyond all your means,
And the man in the suit has just bought a new car,
From the profit he’s made on your dreams,
But today you just read that the man was shot dead,
By a gun that didn’t make any noise.
But it wasn’t the bullet that laid him to rest,
Was the low spark of high-heeled boys.

The Red Sox have acquired The Butchie for stock photos of a lamb shank and a basket of dinner rolls.

The Atlanta Braves were founded in 1871 as the Boston Red Stockings. The National League began in 1876 and they were a charter member as the Red Caps. In 1912, they became the Boston Braves as back in 1901 an American League Boston team was founded. In 1908, they became Red Sox.

Ok.

Honk if you remember pawing through a bin of sneakers at your local Building 19.

YOU thought Jalen Hurd was going to be a difference-maker! You did! You did!!

Is the USWNT intentionally playing to tie to prove the sociopolitical point the United States is no better than any other country? IJATQ.

I hope Nana Jerry got a nice shawl when visiting Ireland.

Lipless coffee pots! Million-dollar idea! Go!

Chaim Bloom on Zoom? Oh, it’s not a public thing. Peasant.

You can do a hesi in football now?

Paul. No middle name. Reubens. OOTG’s. RIP, Pee-wee.

Bill Belichick just told Scott Pioli that he doesn’t want to see Barbie but does think Oppenheimer looks “interesting.”

Baseball chat column!

Best bet for the weekend: Japan continuing to dominate in the WWC.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Your cash ain’t nothin’ but trash. And he took my watch and I passed out.

There is only one word to describe Bergeron on the ice: winner. He’s won on every level you can imagine.

A supermax contract will pay for a lot of sick handlez lessons. Just sayin’.

With the start of training camps we are now back to where there will be transaction wires on Saturdays.

Bronny Jim. Shades of Henry Gathers. Simpler times Danny. Get well soon.

Does Australia have weather bunnies? Weather roos? Weather wallabys?

Since Twitter’s old logo was named after Larry Bird, I assume the rebranded one will be named after Xavier McDaniel.

Fred McGriff. He had a nickname.

Cakes are cooking for Bobby Wadkins, Dorothy Hamill, Wayne Grady, Gary Cherone, Sandra Bullock, Jason Statham, Joe Smith, Eric Westrum, Joe Sarno, Delonte West, and Taylor Momsen.

People are ready to blow their fucking brains out when Belichick brings Patricia and Judge back but cream their shorts when the same lazy media blowhards take turns hiring each other at their fake publications.

Go breath in the woods, Conor.

New Hall of Famer Scott Rolen played in front of the best, the friendliest, and the politest fans in all of MLB! And also for the Phillies.

Which Bruin will next wear the C?

Bills won’t have dynamic returner Nyheim Hines after he suffered serious injuries in a jet ski accident.

Blue Line Update: The Wire Car is clear at this time.

Is there anyone not the bussin’ Kendra Middleton at 98.5 who isn’t a total fucking mongoloid?

Diego Stick-Bundle. LB, Navy.

Oppenheimer followed by Frank Pepe’s is a damn near perfect night.

Imagine driving to Sandwich for the Zip Trip only to find they sent Lemanowicz in place of Shiri.

Bill, it’s heardahim, not Hurdahim. Get it right.

Soccer post: I’m not a fan of the Spanish Women’s World Cup team using first names on the backs of their shirts. I now return you to your regularly scheduled sleep.

Hey gang of camp-goers! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “The Running of the Jorts.”

Do we know if it was a Kawasaki name brand Jet Ski, or some other type of personal watercraft that hit Ny Hines?

Is LeBron gonna switch to Bo Kimble’s number and shoot a free throw with his eyes closed?

I ate at a place called Leon’s in Barrington a couple of weeks ago. They cured their own bacon. It was silly good.

How hard is it to understand the NFL’s “don’t bet on football games” rule?

The faster we’re falling
We’re stopping and stalling
We’re running in circles again
Just as things were looking up
You said it wasn’t good enough
But still, we’re trying one more time.

Well maybe we’re just trying too hard
When really, it’s closer than it is too far.

The sheer magnitude of the landscape bewildering to the league is beyond the pale of comprehensive.

Honk if you remember gypsy moth caterpillars.

Besides rooting for injuries, my non-Patriot training camp wish is for the Bills to cut Hamlin.

Kiké Hernandez traded to the Dodgers.

Related, I foresee having to use the é much less now.

Why should I check in on my elderly neighbors? They are clearly smart and adaptive enough to have lived long enough to become elderly in the first place.

Congrats on the British open win, but Brian Harman would drive me crazy to be paired with. Waggle one more time, buddy.

Bet you didn’t have “run into a triple play on a routine fly ball” on the ol’ Red Sox bingo card.

Surfer Girl and Almost-a-Coach. Together again at last for the first time.

I’ve often said jet skis are nearly as dangerous as catamarans.

Serving smoked meats for the opening of training camp? Wouldn’t crepes have better? What?

Tony Dom Bennett. He liked lands that are great. RIP.

People throwing shade at Bergeron for only winning one Championship who are three orders of magnitude less successful that him will never not be funny.

X?

Best bet for the weekend: Duxbury crossovers and cutouts closed.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, @transientexist, BSMW poster Brian in WA, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. There’s a hole in my heart that can only be filled by you.

That Patrick Mendoza fella; does he take requests?

We officially have a surplus of pitchbots.

Have other teams besides the Red Sox lost a series to the lame-duck Oakland Athletics?

Hot take: Greg Dickerson doesn’t want to work. He just wants to cry about it.

Up next for debate on the Rich Keefe show: window or aisle seat?

Summer League makes me feel fine. Blowin’ through the jasmine in my mind.

Congratulations to Markéta Vondroušová and Carlos Alcaraz on their Wimbledon Finals victories.

Cakes are cooking for Dan Shaughnessy, Mima Jausovec, Donna Dixon, Dean Winters, Stone Gossard, Julian Rhind-Tutt, Charles Johnson, and Judy Greer. Leftover cakes cooked yesterday are in the break room for Ilie Năstase, Brian May, Atom Egoyan, Maria Filatova, Anthony Edwards, the unrelated Teresa Edwards, Nancy Carell, Vitali Klitschko, Benedict Cumberbatch, Tony Mamaluke, Rick Ankiel, Jimmy Gobble, Nené, Ryan Dorsey, and Kevin Großkreutz.

One of the 3 men credited with creating Wolverine died last month. One of them died back in 2017 and the remaining one is presently 82…

It’s possible to take the dick and not tweet about it.

Scott Boras let the Red Sox know that getting the Kyle Teel deal done was important to give the number one pick a head start on knowing and learning from Jason Varitek. If Keel is what everyone who knows him seemingly believes, this is an important relationship for Teel’s career.

So it was hot in, (checks notes) Death Valley in July? Really. Go figure.

Hey Pick Me Girl Gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses?”

Gentiles working in baseball on MLB schedule release day: ‘Cool, the schedule’s out.’ Jewish people working in baseball on MLB schedule release day: “Time to cross-reference with our calendar and pray that Opening Day isn’t during Passover this year!”

I’m watching Mission Impossible 6 right now and I’m just really glad my boss doesn’t give me my instructions in self-destructing messages.

Have fun rooting for DHop, Tits Fans.

The Rub Industry sounds highly lucrative. HUGE NEWS: PEDRO’S CORNER MARKET IN LAWRENCE WILL CARRY BEEF CAKE!

Green Line B Branch Reminder: Shuttle buses replace train service between BC and Kenmore through July 28 for track and tie replacement work.

It’s almost as if Dug Kyed was lying when he said he had a bunch of job offers and loved being at A to Z Sports.

Brayan Bello’s gonna be a father?? Oh my God we haven’t even seen this man on Dad mode yet.

Every player’s Madden Rating should be hidden and listed as ‘He Got That Dawg In Him’. Except for Mac.

Was Jeff Passan on his way to bake cookies in the tree when the branch fell on him?

Sibilants, Plosives, and Fricatives!

Is Linda Pizzuti Henry going to pretend she designed all the Fenway Corners buildings?

List of 7-foot wingspans on the Suns roster, from highest to lowest: Bol Bol – Deandre Ayton – Kevin Durant – Keita Bates-Diop – Ish Wainright – Chimezie Metu – Toumani Camara – Josh Okogie. There is no player on the entire roster with a wingspan under 6’8″. They are L O N G.

Her name, it’s pronounced, ‘Len-ah?’ What about the rest, is it, “the Ploog?’

In the tradition of baseball managers to umpires, I would say to all the people I have blocked that I’m not blocking you because of your last tweet. I’m blocking you for the next one.

LeBron: Thanks on behalf of many for changing your jersey from 6 to 23. You did the Right Thing.

What you gonna do when things go wrong?
What you gonna do when it all cracks up?
What you gonna do when the Love burns down?
What you gonna do when the flames go up?

Who is gonna come and turn the tide?
What’s it gonna take to make a dream survive?
Who’s got the touch to calm the storm inside?
Don’t say goodbye, don’t say goodbye
In the final seconds who’s gonna save you?

Oh, alive and kicking
Stay until your love is, love is, alive and kicking.

Today I learned that Steve Young’s first name is actually Jon. Steven is his middle name.

Andy Wong is a nice man!

Jeff Passan should make a baseball bat and an ventriloquist dummy using the tree branch that fell on him.

Meowski. Meowning.

Honk if you remember Dick Drago.

Mazz still having protected tweets is amazing.

Today was the most fun Immaculate Grid so far! All established teams so there were multiple fun choices for each box rather than breaking my brain to think about who the heck has played for the Marlins and Rays and Rockies.

A: Operation Downfall.

If you like athletic blondes with pony tails that Norway – New Zealand game was for you. Hope you caught it live!

Update: there is one parking spot open in the Swampscott lot. One.

The Crayon 301? That seems like more than necessary.

How can anyone be considered the new Babe Ruth if he has never been photographed with a cigar?

Nice hat, stupid.

Best bet for the weekend: high drama at Royal Liverpool.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Even flow, thoughts arrive like butterflies.

If the New York Times had a sports section prior to Monday, I think I would have heard about it.

Why haven’t the three-time Isobel Cup winning The Boston Pride publicly congratulated the Free Jacks?

It’s that time of the All Star break where the pitchers are ahead of the hitters.

I’ve had Electric Touch on repeat for the past two days.

I’m hearing that Red Sox 1st round pick, Kyle Teel, had a less than arousing 24 at-bat stint in the Cape Cod League. Flaccid, even.

The USWNT feels like it has two generations bridged together, which reminded me that we used to have some grades merged together growing up, like a “Grade 3/4 split”… anyone else have this? seems like a wild concept.

Cakes are cooking for Richard Simmons, Cheryl Ladd, Mel Harris, Robin Wilson, Kristi Yamaguchi, Travis Best, Brock Lesnar, Michelle Rodriguez, and Inbee Park.

very few can make a fire boom bap beat with no samples.

We need – BASEBALL needs – David Ortiz interviewing Elly De La Cruz. It would be the absolute highlight of the All-Star Game.

Your Boston Bruins All-Centennial Team Selection Committee: Ty Anderson, 98.5 The Sports Hub, Dale Arnold, Retired NESN Broadcaster, Amalie Benjamin, NHL.com, John Buccigross, ESPN, Mick Colageo, The Standard-Times, Steve Conroy, Boston Herald, Kevin Paul Dupont, Boston Globe, Jack Edwards, NESN, Mike “Doc” Emrick, Retired Broadcaster, Naoko Funayama, WCVB, Steve Garabedian, NESN, Karen Guregian, MassLive.com, Joe Haggerty, Bruins Beat Reporter, Heidi Holland, Boston Bruins, Richard Johnson, The Sports Museum, Joe McDonald, Bruins Beat Reporter, Scott McLaughlin, WEEI, Rose Mirakian-Wheeler, NESN, Jimmy Murphy, Boston Hockey Now, Matt Porter, Boston Globe, Conor Ryan, Boston.com, Season Ticket Holder Council, Boston Bruins, Fluto Shinzawa, The Athletic, Harry Sinden, Boston Bruins, Judd Sirott, 98.5 The Sports Hub, Dave Stubbs, NHL.com, Rusty Sullivan, The Sports Museum, Kathryn Tappen, TNT, Kevin Weekes, ESPN/NHLN, and Brian Zechello, NESN. Rexy, Conor, Old Friend Lefty and Shukri were snubbed.

The first thing they teach you in rehab is to attempt to reverse any accountability you’ve taken. Well played, Huggins.

Obscene bumper stickers on cars are beyond unnecessary. Children can read, set a good example.

The Immaculate Grid is the thing I’ve been unknowingly preparing for all my life.

Bourque couldn’t deliver the chip so he doesn’t get his flowers or riz.

Just in case you at home are having a hard time following the rules of the HR derby, don’t worry, so are we, too, here in the press box.

Saying hi y’all in New England should get you locked up.

Hey gang raised by two loving parents, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Maybe he’s metal bat made”.

Tweeting out free agent renouncements is always fun, because people have such vivid, and often great, memories of some of the players being renounced. But nothing will ever top tweeting out when the Kings renounced the draft rights to Dejan Bodiroga. That whole day was hilarious.

MBTA Swampscott Lot is full. Park at Swampscott HS with a free shuttle to the Station.

Shohei Ohtani in the All-Star Game on the anniversary of Babe Ruth’s debut? You can’t make this romantic-about-baseball stuff up.

Darrelle Revis Moss’d Asante Samuel.

A random little thing I love in baseball is when someone hits a weak pop-up and is so mad at himself for missing the pitch he slams down the bat.

Sunkist Fruit Gems!

What do you mean Britney should’t control her own finances? Did she give Xander Bogaerts an 11 year, 280 million contract?

Always a shame when the Bills owner’s kid gets bounced from a Grand Slam.

Looking forward to director Joseph Kosinski’s Formula One movie, Apex. Wheels open, man!

Hoodie not being aggro with DHop, Clones?

If Ray Bourque is underappreciated as a defenseman locally, it’s probably due to lingering embarrassment from that ill-advised Avalanche Stanley Cup parade.

“Rusty Sullivan” sounds like something DJ Bean pays for in the bathroom of a Southie bar.

Megan Rapinoe Is Furious With Legendary Comedian Dave Chappelle.

Biggest takeaway from the Bourne franchise is you’d think every once in a while he’d wear a hat or something.

Should the Sox be buyers at the trade deadline? Sellers? Some of both? Let us know in the comments.

Squirrels are cute until they get in your attic and fuck everything up.

Was so a real no-hitter.

Maybe Pat Fitzgerald can go coach hoops at West Virginia, Bob Huggins then goes to Northwestern. All fix!

Alexi Lalas going to be an absolute treat during the Women’s World Cup.

I’ve lost my mind
On what I’d find
And all of the pressure that I left behind
On Allison Road.

Fools in the rain
If the sun gets through
Fires in the heaven of the eyes I knew
On Allison Road.

ATTN Ocean State beachgoers, please be advised: multiple Portuguese Man-of-War (Physalia physalis) were spotted at Scarborough, Roger Wheeler, + East Matunuck State Beaches this week.

Honk if you remember the Good Humor Toasted Almond Bar.

DVOA sounds made up.

“Bob Huggins” is the name DJ Bean uses when he gives out Rusty Sullivans.

Clean your filthy mirror, then take your selfies.

Jeff Passan is really odd-looking. He’s like a ventriloquist’s dummy from the 1950’s.

Larry Bird made $24.07 million in salary during his 13-year NBA career. 53 players are already set to make more than that in this coming season alone.

Aretha Franklin had a Teddy Ballgame last will & testament?

Best bet for the weekend: flood waters receding.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, BSMW poster Lebron, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. All last summer, in case you don’t recall; I was yours and you were mine, forget it all.

Did you get here from Threads? You did not get here from Threads.

Max Kellerman, Keyshawn Johnson, Jeff Van Gundy, Jalen Rose, LaPhonso Ellis, Suzy Kolber, Chris Chelios, Joon Lee, Rob Ninkovich, Neil Everett, Jay Williams, Steve Young, Todd McShay, Jason Fitz, Matt Hasselbeck, Ashley Brewer, David Pollack, Nick Friedell, Andre Ward, Doug Kezirian, and Gene Wojciechowski are all free agents.

Is Kevin Shattenkirk Shatty, or Kirky?

LJ Sandwich’s Teal Party > Michael Rubin’s White Party

Did Grant Williams have a Weird Celtics Twitter wacky nickname? Aloha, Grant Williams.

Brayan Bello is the coolest kid you ever saw on the mound. I’m stumping for him to be nicknamed Cool Baby Bello. Or Coolbaby, if you prefer.

The elements tried to cancel the event. He beat the elements. The competition tried to take his crown. He beat the competition. 62 hot dogs eaten. An 8th straight title and 16th overall. Joseph. Christian. Chestnut. A performance for the ages.

Cakes are cooking for Fred Dryer, George W. Bush, Sylvester Stallone, Brad Park, Shelley Hack, Sultan Rakhmanov, Matt Bahr, Valerie Brisco-Hooks, Lillie Leatherwood, Inspectah Deck, Kevin Hart, Nnamdi Asomugha, and Zion Williamson.

Bruins signed James van Riemsdyk? They’ll be putting the 2013 All-star team on the ice. 

Imagine being extremely excited about being a beat reporter.

We will have to wait for Refuddled McGee to emerge from the ashes, I guess.

News Item: Red Sox outfielder Alex Verdugo feels snubbed after not being selected to the American League All-Star team.

Your New England Revolution have only three losses this season, two occurring in May.

The real losers this summer? Celtics writers.

Bertuzzi should look into hiring that nice Jewish boy to be his new agent.

Scott Baio is a “legendary” actor in the same way that Bigfoot is a “legendary” creature — rarely captured on film over the last few decades.

The syntax changes from Python 2 to Python 3 were definitely a step in the right direction.

Coming this fall: Season 23 of ‘So You Think You Can Shit In Public’!

Orange Line: Delays of about 15 minutes due to a Train with a mechanical issue at Back Bay.

What happened to The Hockey News? THN used to be a prestigious news source, now it reads like it was written by badly programmed AI. Especially the Bruins team page. What gives?

Hey gang of hard cap enthusiasts! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Keith says it hard caps at the 2nd apron. There was no second apron before.”

There’s something so calm and soothing about a summer morning rain.

Fall River is a town.

“Bussin’ With The Boys.” For reals? What, was ‘Too Many Men In My Pants’ already spoken for as a podcast name?

The Confederation of North, Central America and Caribbean Association Football szn.

The Bruins signed a guy named Geekie? this sounds like a setup for a derivative Canadian comedy routine, ‘Who’s the First Line Centre?’ by the duo of Abboot and Costelleh.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

With a thrill in my head and a pill on my tongue
Dissolve the nerves that have just begun
Listening to Marvin (all night long)
This is the sound of my soul
This is the sound

Always slipping from my hands
Sand’s a time of its own
Take your seaside arms and write the next line
I want the truth to be known.

If travelling along the surface roads to Logan, be sure to being your Eastie Tagalog phrasebook with you.

Cooper Flagg 1 Cam Boozer 0

What a weekend. What a win for Shane van Gisbergen!! Unbelievable job by NASCAR and the city of Chicago pulling this off.

Honk if you remember Friendly’s Wattamelon Roll.

Your commuter school alma mater hasn’t fielded a football team in 25 years so how ’bout you shut your clam about who the UMass Amherst squad will play, Gilligan?

I’m holding out for the Fiddlr app myself.

It’s going to be several days until a still shell-shocked from fireworks and having to watch people barbecuing Scott Kacsmar learns that Aaron Schatz has resigned from Football Outsiders.

Tim Legler’s tan looks real, why do you ask?

Best bet for the weekend: 20th year of Fox 25 Zip Trips, this one to Dedham on Friday!

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Mitch Hedberg, BSMW poster Lefty, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. These are my salad days. Slowly being eaten away. Just another play for today.

Humid enough for ya?

I hope that Kevin Garnett bites his tongue when talking about Celtics draft pick Jordan Walsh.

So long Hallsy and Fliggsy.

This Shams thing reminds me Martha Stewart assured me that Ben Gordon would go #2 overall in the 2004 draft.

A Selkie, a Vezina, a Jack Adams and 1st & 2nd Team All-Star slots for the B’s. None too shabby.

Not sure calling Smart the heartbeat of the team is the compliment it’s intended to be when that team has mostly underperformed in six straight playoff series, Dr. Mudge.

Alex Verdugo is closing in on the long-believed untouchable Red Sox team record of grandmothers dying during the season of five, currently held by Manny Ramirez.

There’s a time to compliment someone on their Throw Power rating in Madden, but it’s not in the immediate aftermath of their tragic untimely death.

Cakes are cooking for John Elway, Michele Timms, John Cusack, Mary Stuart Masterson, Danielle Brisebois, Elon Musk, Kenny Cunningham, Alessandro Nivola, Marvin Jones (Hi Marv!), Kellie Pickler, Kevin De Bruyne, and Elaine Thompson-Helah.

Malcolm Brogdon is still a #BleedGreen.

The best BBQ in Boston is in Winthrop. And the best Himalayan food in Winthrop is in Tewksbury!

If you stay ready you never have to GET ready…

Kay Adams sounds like Tom Haverford in that Dick’s Sporting Goods commercial. She does!

It’s fun to get dressed up.

Never trust a guy with Air Monarchs. It’s right up there with don’t play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city.

I hope Putin tells us if he got home safe from work or not.

Hey gang of transracial trailblazers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, ‘I’m on that Obama-level, which means you can’t see me.’

‘Alec Regula’ sounds like a character name from that Harry Potter prequel series no one cared about.

Jazz hands!!

I like the Big Cat. Seems to like sports, pretends he’s from Chicago, keeps the show moving along…

Orange Line Update: Southbound delays of more than 30 minutes due to fire department activity near Tufts Medical Center. Riders are encouraged to use Green Line service between North Station and Back Bay

Trammell in the Hall of Fame without Whitaker is like Gehrig without Ruth, like Groucho without Harpo, like Burns without Allen, Rogers without Hammerstein.

Framingham’s Own Reilly Walsh. Definitely good in the handshake line. #sporting

Revs U-19 won MLS Next for the second straight year.

I just got sent a presentation from a company that wants to do business with mine that was voiced over by… Gary Tanguay.

We skipped the light fandango
Turned cartwheels ‘cross the floor.
I was feeling kinda seasick.
But the crowd called out for more.
The room was humming harder
As the ceiling flew away
When we called out for another drink
The waiter brought a tray.

And so it was that later
As the miller told his tale.
That her face, at first just ghostly
Turned a whiter shade of pale.

I have mixed feelings about Hall. While he was a good player he should have been much better considering he was the No 1 pick.

Plainridge Park Casino?

Random thought — the Angels have not had a captain since 1982 (Don Baylor). Um, Mike Trout? Hello? What are they waiting for?

Honk if you remember the Cosmic Muffin Darrell Martinie.

if Roseanne thinks the Jews don’t like fishing shows, how does she explain her buddy Tom Werner keeping Charlie Moore around?

Sometimes I sit around wondering what numbers will be left for the 2090 Boston Celtics to use on their team jerseys and then I remember the planet probably will be uninhabitable by then anyway.

The thing that really makes this upsetting is that he was a nice guy to the media.

Adama Sanogo!

Can Lucy be sued for advising taking the Red Sox money line every damn day?

The Dakota Kai Kairopractor is nuts.

French labor unions think Dondero should work more hours.

Best bet for the weekend: the dreaded, ‘Players Only’ closed door meeting.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Joe Posnanski, BSMW posters Big Fat O & Jforb, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Though I hoped for something to find I could see no maze to unwind.

Can a Celtics trade for Porzingis be on, then fall apart seven hours later, and then be on again?

I don’t ever remember less buzz over a Red Sox sweep of the Yankees than that.

Did Jack Jones think guns are like starting quarterbacks and if you have two of them you have none?

Nothing has been the same after the USGA turtled post Shinnecock.

Say, isn’t ‘shinnecock’ a Turtleboy insult?

Bruins sign goalie Brandon Bussi to a one-year, two-way contract extension through the 2023-24 season with an NHL cap hit of $775,000. Bussin’.

Cakes are cooking for Kris Kristofferson, Elizabeth Warren, Meryl Streep, Cyndi Lauper, Bruce Campbell, Clyde Drexler, David Frisch, Kurt Warner, Champ Bailey, Joey Cheek, Ian Kinsler, and Dustin Johnson.

I mean, there’s at least a chance the minisub found refuge in one of the Titanic’s watertight compartments, right?

Not too often somebody with one name sings the anthem at a baseball game. But a good job by Boston’s own Jyshoun.

UFC expertly blends violence with homoeroticism so it naturally plays well in America right now.

I thought Rick Reilly died with Kobe.

Seeing these Miley Cyrus Super Bowl rumors and … why not The Killers? I know they don’t do local but that seems to make sense on all levels.

Update: Kingston Line Train 043 (8:25 am from South Station) is operating 15-25 minutes behind schedule between Quincy Center and Kingston due to the late arrival of equipment.

Fun baseball weather is that it’s raining but you also need sunglasses.

The secret is the Merritt Parkway instead of 95.

Linda Holliday and Ja Morant: both sidelined because of their guns.

Hey gang of cupcake tulips, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “No cookies for JoJo?”

If you see the letters “SF” and you think “Sacrifice Fly” before you get to “San Francisco”, you have definitely been spending too much time studying baseball statistics.

Drove past a realtor sign that said ‘Sale Pending.’ Isn’t he always?

Jets S Chuck Clark suffered a torn ACL and is out for the season, sources said following the MRI. Clark, who NYJ traded for, also received a second opinion. This explains the signing of veteran DB Adrian Amos, who fills the void.

‘Kristaps Porzingis’ sounds like an exclamation Latka or Balki might utter.

They should make the boarding order for airplanes window seats, then middle, then aisle seats.

Grilled blueberry muffins!

Mattapan Trolley: Delays of up to 15 minutes due to a trolley with a mechanical problem near Cedar Grove.

I think I like the Red Sox city connect uniforms now?

Safe to say the Golden Knights are the most successful expansion team story ever.

What percentage of handicap index do you guys use in modified alternate shot match play? Let us know in the comments.

Bob Huggins needed to get home.

That video of Jack Jones’ lawyer is gonna live in my head utterly rent free for a while.

Marcus was just traded to Memphis, he wasn’t aboard the OceanGate Titan. Ease off the emotion throttle.

Jai Alai is overdue for a comeback.

I done broke the #1 cardinal rule of Italian cooking tonight: used a different brand of breadcrumbs than usual for cutlets. never again. shame me if you must.

I knew you before the west was won.
And I heard you say the past
was much more fun.
You go your way, I go mine,
But I’ll see you next time

It’s all been done,
It’s all been done,
It’s all been done before.

There ought to be laws preventing the English language from being tortured in such a way to arrive at that LEBRON player impact stat acronym.

Honk if you remember the Glomar Explorer.

The BlueChew twitter ads make me long for the subtle innuendo of the Frank Thoman Nugenix commercials.

Table Boston has the best Rosemary Scapicchio in town.

Any holiday that creates further awareness of Confederate perfidy can’t be half-bad.

A: Gene Krupa.

LSU should change their name to the Fightin’ Olivia Dunns.  They drag that girl everywhere.

Do the other members of the Oklahoma Sooners coaching staff consider Jeff Lebby to be ‘Big Jeff from work?’

Best bet for the weekend: WembanyamaMania!

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Old Friend Rabbit, BSMW poster Lebron and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Birchmount Stadium Home of the Robbie.