Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer: Emergency Tom Brady Roast Edition

“Jeff Ross is so ugly not even Mengele would operate on him.”

I hope Alex Guerrero can cure whatever cancer Jeff Ross has.

Kevin Hart, I loved him as that elf in Bad Santa. He should have tried being funny last night.

Nikki Glaser did her homework and knew the guy Gisele is fucking teaches jiu jitsu, not karate. No hill run for her.

How is Drew Bledsoe funnier than actual comedians?

What’s the deal with trans Urkel? Oh, the deal is she is actually funny. Refreshing!

“I don’t know much about football, but I did spend a night on Revis Island!”

That pair of comedians set was less funny than McNally and Jastremski.

Oh great, Ron Burgundy. This bit certainly hasn’t gotten old. Will is lost without Adam McKay.

Dana White couldn’t find two UFC fighters to sit at his table who could pass for straight? What is this, the octagon, or The Birdcage?

Did Matt Chatham make the trip, or was there a rub signing at Wegmans?

“Tom’s taking such a beating tonight; they should change his name to ‘Ted Johnson’s Wife.’”

They needed to factor in more applause time for Belichick.

The audience really didn’t like Aaron Hernandez jokes. His feelings can’t get hurt.

Some Andy Reid clock management by Gronk for his segment.

Ben Affleck’s worst performance since Phantoms.

“Tara Reed’s tits think the docs botched your face, Tom.”

The joke should have been Tom would have confessed to deflating the footballs for ten million dollars.

All the gay jokes landed because being a homo is bad. What?

Schefty doesn’t really believe Tom admitted doing IT, he is just protecting ESPN’s tarnished reputation.

“And Dana White is here, Hi Dana! There’s been a lot of jokes about my ex-wife tonight, but Dana has been happily married for 25 years. I guess the secret is you gotta slap them every once in awhile. Damn, I should have tried that.”

Even if you only read body language at a Rob Gronkowski-level, it was thuddingly obvious Bill wanted absolutely nothing to do with that toast at the podium with Bob.

Mr Kraft, he didn’t look great last night. Made Jeff Ross look like Edelman by comparison. Do they make Yeezy’s with those Joe Biden no-trip soles?

I needed like 30 more massage parlor jokes.

Assembled from the instant reactions of #the15. A regular Sports Junk Drawer will appear on its usual day.

“Kevin Mannix never got a dinner.”

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