The 15

I’ve had a long week of eating and napping, so let’s get these contractually obligated picks out of the way so I can get back to eating and napping…

While you were sleeping:

Lions (-1.5) at Packers

It was so obvious I was going to pick the big cats last night that it wasn’t worth my precious time to let you know.

Sunday brunch time:

Falcons at Jaguars (-3)

Always go with cats over birds.

Sunday lunch time:

Dolphins at Bills (-2.5)

Did you know that Tua’s full name is Tuanigamanuolepola Donny Tagovailoa? Someone in that family was really hoping he’d go by Donny. Donny wins again.

Vikings (-4.5) at Panthers

Always go with winless cats over winless marauding Norsemen.

Broncos (-3.5) at Bears

The Broncos lose again but hold the Bears to under 70. Baby steps.

Ravens at Browns (-3)

Always go with a predator (even a sexual predator) over birds.

Steelers (-2.5) at Texans

After the Texans win, have a drink every time someone from the Steelers reminds you that they aren’t using their team plane’s emergency landing as an excuse.

Rams (-1) at Colts

I took 3 naps just thinking about this game. Go horszzzzzz!

Buccaneers at Saints (-3)

Fun fact: Much like Atlantis, Tampa Bay doesn’t exist as a physical location on land. The mermen win.

Commanders at Eagles (-8)

I hate picking a bird team, but I refuse to root for commies.

Bengals (-2.5) at Titans

Cats over tits, but I do love looking at tits. (Tits the bird, you perverts).

Sunday dinner time:

Raiders at Chargers (-5.5)

Sounds like Chandler Jones got some bad catnip – thoughts and prayers. Chargers beat a distracted Raiders team.

Patriots at Cowboys (-6.5)

Mac Jones has such a penchant for crotch shots that he must be part cat. Pats over Pokes.

Cardinals at 49ers (-14)

Always go with Brock Purrrdy over birds.

Sunday nighttime snack:

Chiefs (-9.5) at Jets

Taylor Swift loves cats, and nobody likes the Jets.

Monday:

Seahawks at Giants (-1)

Take the men with overactive pituitary glands.

Just a reminder that Week 4 of the NFL season kickoffs off my birthday month. How about some gratitude for all this free gambling advice? Look for me on CashApp.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.