05/25/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Soldiers and Sailors Monument, Upton, MA

Upton Bell still Call the holiday Decoration Day. Admiral Dewey Once gave Bert Bell a Commendation For bravery. Bert Bell is Upton’s father.

Last longer, Johnny Depp trial!

Jason Tatum is First Team All-NBA for no other reason than there can’t be 2 players from the same position on the All-NBA team.

Don’t look now, but your Big Swingin’ Red Sox have crept within only ten games out of first place!

Daniel Theis looks like he’s from Malden.

Cakes are cooking for Mike Myers, Stefka Kostadinova, Bill Haselman, Ruthie Bolton, Natalie Schneyder, Cillian Murphy, Brian Urlacher, and Aly Raisman.

Uodate: Emergency cake cooking for The Great Kid David Pastrňák as well.

Blue horseshoe loves crypto.

Get well soon, torn ACL Connecticut Sun lady.

If you had picked legendary baseball writer Roger Angell in the 2022 Death Pool, it would have penalized you a point when he died at the age of 101. Why would you have done that?

The Heat gamin’ the system??

I’m genuinely excited to buy brand new cologne today. Like no kidding I can’t wait. I’m a grown man excited to just being able to buy myself cologne and smell even better. I’m just weird, I don’t know, but I’m pumped.

Pro Tip: You can add periods to your Gmail address for cosmetic spacing purposes. You’ll still receive the emails as normal.

Yes, yes, Early Voting- Epicenter-Creative Minister was the W/P/S at the Preakness Stakes. But why is it called that?

News Item: Subway’s sweet onion sauce has been discontinued.

Hey gang that is part of an organized team, this week’s Phrase that pays is “Months. Away.”

Got a flyer in the mail for a new restaurant advertising a Sunday ‘Bottomless Brunch.’ That sounds exclusionary at best, and a hate crime at worst.

American Honda will voluntarily recall 4,346 Honda Accord (2021), CR-V (2021-2022), Insight (2022) and Ridgeline (2021) vehicles in the United States to replace the rear center seat belt assembly, for free. Certain incorrectly manufactured rear center seat belt assemblies may not allow activation of the automatic locking retractor function required to install certain child safety seats, potentially increasing the risk of injury to occupants in a crash. Honda has not received any report of injury related to this issue, which was discovered during quality inspections at a Honda factory.

You got this, Steven Tyler.

I remember – date and time
September 22nd Sunday twenty-five after nine
In the doorway
With your case
No longer shouting at each other
There were tears on our faces.

I know! I’ll use a picture of Rick and/or Morty to illustrate my excellent point! Look at me; I’m hashtagging!

A. Route One is 2369 miles in length.

Orange Line: Delays of up to 15 minutes due to police activity at Wellington. Trains may be asked to stand by at stations.

I’m hearing that koala medicine treats monkeypox.

Pittsburgh native and #Eagles VP of Player Personnel Andy Wiedl is slated to be named #Steelers’ new assistant GM, multiple sources around the league tell me. That means signs point to longtime Steelers exec Omar Khan emerging as winner of the search to replace Kevin Colbert.

A gut check match is on tap for the Revs versus Philadelphia Union, who sit atop Conference East.

Honk if you remember Razcal Soda.

“The belief in a supernatural source of evil is not necessary; men alone are quite capable of every wickedness.” — Joseph Conrad

Please consider contributing to Chad Finn’s ‘Donruss to Donbas’ charitable endeavor.

I am also questionable for Game 5.

Move over, Dick Clark—Big Jim Murray is America’s oldest, fattest, most miserable teenager.

All my apes are gone babe.

Best bet for the weekend: the Indianapolis Motor Speedway once again at full capacity. Vroomy-vroom-vroom!

Everyone on this First Team spells their name funny.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Please Celebrate Responsibly.

And Happy Birthday to Molly Sims, pictured here well before the SI Swimsuit Issue lost the plot completely.

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