The 15

Nice job Celtics. But a sweep-clinching 4 point win is still only 25% as dramatic as winning by 1 point.

People should be more accepting of Tanner Houck’s personal decision.

My Mock Draft? Already ruined!

Bruins look playoff-ready. Which is good, considering how close we are to said playoffs.

That Happas guy is clearly a cosmeticist, and not a geneticist.

That was quite the standing ovation for a dead Guy up in Montreal. Attendez, quoi?

Gabby probably types the letter ‘A’, and then autocorrect fills in the “s a sportswriter and editor” for her.

Just being honest, I am jealous that Boston doesn’t have a WNBA or USFL team. I am also disappointed that the Boston Cannons and MLL no longer exist. I only have the sports bandwidth to follow leagues when I’m invested in a team, which means having a local team.

Cakes are cooking for Kate Pierson, Doug Sheehan, Ari Vatanen, George Gervin, Arielle Dombasle, James LeGros, Bridgette Gordon, Jason Whitlock, and Maura West.

So did Jerry Remy die, or Don Orsillo? I’m confused.

Hey gang of Basementonians, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Don’t eat tomatoes. Prick!”

No Lowell Spinners this year? Again?

You can criticize Leah Hextall without bringing her gender into it.

Man, I miss The Four’s.

Is Kenny Anderson sending his jersey from one FedExOffice location to another?

I wonder if that girl from the Cake song now regrets changing her name from Kitty to Karen.

Alex Kraemer did nothing wrong!

The real Yankee Letter is written in invisible ink on the back of the fake Yankee Letter. Pass it on.

Rhea Seehorn.

Worcester Line Train 512 (10:00 am from Worcester) is operating 5-15 minutes behind schedule between Framingham and South Station due to train traffic.

Paris Hilton’s behavior at Coachella has everyone saying the same thing.

Andover is in Essex County? Since when? DARREN!!

The Bucs are picking up LB Devin White’s 5th year option, per source.

What’s Amber Heard’s Venmo? Asking for a friend.

In my new version of Winning Time, I’m having Jeanie fuck Red instead of Phil.

Don’t tread on an ant, he’s done nothing to you
There might come a day when he’s treading on you
Don’t tread on an ant, you’ll end up black and blue
You cut off his head, legs come looking for you

So unplug the jukebox
And do us all a favor, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, that music’s lost its taste
So try another flavor
Antmusic
Antmusic
Antmusic
Antmusic

Can it really be twenty years since Derek Lowe’s no-hitter at Fenway?

Honk if you remember the Bird/Russell/Cousy/Havlicek/Pierce/Garnett Celtics team.

They better never close down the Charlestown 99.

So do we get the clearly fake Eddie Andelman Twitter account back, Elon?

Cormorants!

If you ask me, the marshmallow Peeps are better when they are a bit stale.

What really happened at Shedd Park on July 4 1992?

My favorite Tom Brady multipart documentary? The next one.

The Red Sox batting approach this year is to swing at everything and hope you connect. I don’t know, maybe it will work. Never has before.

I saw that Bob Denver died again. Could ivermectin have saved him?

Any information coming out over the next 24 hours is because somebody WANTS it to come out.

Best bet for the weekend: Alex Cora’s steady hand righting the Local 9, OR Multiple draft busts for Bill. (To be read as a William Conrad Rocky & Bullwinkle cliffhanger narration.)

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, The Entitled Town Group Chat, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. You don’t drink, don’t smoke, what do you do? You don’t drink, don’t smoke, what do you do? Your subtle innuendos follow; There must be somethin’ inside.